Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 10 - Everybody Hates New Year's Eve - full transcript

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Happy new year, Chris.

New Year's Eve
was big in Bed-Stuy

because it gave everybody
a chance to make new resolutions.

Unfortunately,most people
didn't follow through on them.

Not my mother.

This year, I'm going to stop
yelling at my children.

No, you're not!

Who put a glass on my table
without a coaster?!

Not my sister.

This year I'm not going to
get Chris in trouble anymore.

Yes, you will.



Who's been in my make-up bag?!

Chris did it!!

Not my father.

I'm going to stop
worrying about money.

Stop lying!

Chris, close that door!

You just let out 86 cent
worth of refriration.

Not my brother.

This year, I'm not going to take
any more girls from Chris.

We'll see about that.

That's so
sweet, Drew.

Who's Chris?

I'm Chris.
You came in with me.

But I was going
to be different.



Last year, this is how
I celebrated New Year's Eve.

So I made a made a resolution
that my next New Year's Eve would be different.

So, you doing anything special
for New Year's Eve, Chris?

I'm going down
to Times Square to
watch the ball drop.

Times Square?
You crazy?

The only people down there
are drunks and pickpockets.

I don't care, it's the biggest
New Year's celebration on Earth

and I live 20 minutes
from it and I haven't been.

Well...

I sell New Year's,
I don't celebrate it.

Why not?

Because anything could happen.

You remember when
Michael Jackson got his hair caught on fire?

I bet you any money
he celebrated New Year's.

And look what happened.

If I get through tonight,
I'll celebrate tomorrow.

Doc was the only person
I knew who celebrated Old New Year's Eve.

Is your mama going
to let you go down there?

I don't see why not.

All I got to do is ask.

Ma, can I go to Times Square
to watch
the ball drop?

No.

Happy New Year!

Everybody Hates Chris Season 4 Episode 10

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I wanted to be in Times Square

when the clock struck midnight,

but I struck out.

Come on, ma, why not?

I mean all we do is
stay up till 11:59,

say, "Happy New Year,"
blow a noisemaker,

and then go to sleep.

I want to do
something different.

Like what?
Get drunk,

rip your shirt off
in the freezing cold

and have the cops
arrest you

and spend the first day
of the new year in jail?

Who wants to do that?

Lindsay Lohan!

Well, obviously, you do.

That's what happens to people
who go to Times Square.

I just want to see
the ball drop.

You can't
go with me?

I don't have
the time, Chris.

I got to soak my
black eyed peas,

I got to pull my greens,
I got to clean them...

She's a bale of cotton away
from setting us back 300 years.

Why do you have to do all that
stuff every year anyway?

It's a tradition, Chris.
It's for good luck.

There's a reason black people
think vegetables are lucky.

They're coming, quick,
hide behind these greens.

Should've ate some greens
before I came and asked you.

Ooh, you better watch your mouth
unless you want to get smacked into the new year.

Drew, Tonya, get in here!

Okay, here's the list.

Make sure you
get everything.

Can I stay up and watch
Rocking New Year's Eve?

The Jets are on.

The football team?

No, they're a
singing group.

They're just like
the Jacksons, only Samoan.

Oh, fine, but just
hurry up, and, Drew,

do not forget
the kitty litter.

Okay.

Meanwhile, my father was on
a bridge over troubled water.

Hey, what's
going on up there?

Some idiot's threatening
to jump off the bridge.

Why couldn't he jump
off the Triborough?

We're going to be
out here all day.

What?

Man, I'm trying to get home.

While Tonya was
planning on staying up,

Drew was planning on
taking her down.

I don't know why
you're singing.

You know you're going to fall
asleep before the Jets come on.

You never make it
past 10:00.

I bet you
I do tonight.

I bet you don't.

How much?

If you fall asleep,
you owe me 20 bucks.

And if you fall asleep,
I'm going to glue your hand to your face.

I don't see how
since you won't have money for glue.

Meanwhile, if I wanted
to keep my resolution,

it was going to take
some resolve.

Mom...
No, Chris.

But I made one resolution and
that was to go to Times Square.

That's not my fault.

But it's my resolution.

Is that what you want for me,
to end up in prison?

What?5

I'm just saying,
I made a resolution

and if I accept
no for an answer,

that means
I accept defeat.

Then I'll fall into
a crowd of people

who have no hopes or dreams,
and eventuly,

I end up in the wrong place
at the wrong time

doing the wrong thing
and that ends in prison.

Well, can you find
somebody else to take you?

I can try.

Get out of here, boy.

Back on the bridge,
a man was suicidal

and my father
wanted to kill him.

What are you
doing up here, man?

Do you know you got
traffic backed up

all the way to exit
the Lincoln Tunnel?

It's New Year's Eve!

People are trying
to get home.

I can't do
anything right.

So you think you can fix that
by jumping off a bridge?

Give me one good
reason I shouldn't.

He shouldn't have said that.

What if everybody
who ever had a problem jumped off a bridge?

Geraldine Ferraro
could've been
our country's first female Vice President,

but her party lost.

She didn't jump
off a bridge.

Nelson Mandela's been
in jail for over 20 years.

He didn't jump
off a bridge.

Ivanendl got stomped
by Boris Becker at Wimbledon.

Didn't jump off a bridge.

Trevor Berbick
he got knocked out by Mike Tyson in less than five minutes.

He didn't jump
off a bridge!

Jermaine Jackson
got kicked out
of the Jacksons.

My father was on the bridge,

and soon after,
he was on the air.

What? Now?!

Quick, turn on the TV.

Your father is on!

He stopped some guy from jumping off the
George Washington Bridge.

Okay, I'll call you back.

What channel

All three of them.

Jermaine Jackson got
kicked out of the Jacksons.

He didn't jump off a bridge.

Julius, you're
a real hero.

You saved a life,
but more importantly,

you got traffic moving again.

Back to you at the studio.

The Chicago Cubs haven't won
a World Series since 1908.

They didn't jump off a bridge.

James Earl Jones lost the Oscar for his performance
in The Great ite Hope.

He didn't jump off a bridge.

Trevor Berbick got knocked out by Mike Tyson
in less than five minutes.

He did not jump off a bridge.

Oh, my God,
your father's a star.

Did he jump off a bridge? No.

Well, Julius,
you're just full of--

Remember that movie,
Top Gun?

While my dad was
getting off the bridge,

I was trying to
get out of the house.

I can't believe
your dad saved a guy.

That's so cool.

You know, if that guy had been
a girl,

he'd be so in there.

Another one of Greg's
pickup techniques.

If you stop a girl
from killing herself,

she might go out with you.

Listen, what you doing tonight?

Well, my mom's got a
new boyfriend, he's Asian.

They're talking about
going down to Times Square.

What about you?

Times Square, are you serious?

I've been trying to find
somebody to take me

'cause my mom can't do it.

Why don't you just come with us?

Let me check with my mom,
I'll call you right back.

All right, I'll talk to you.

Ma, that was Greg.

His mom is taking him
down to Times Square.

You think I could
go with them?

Greg? I guess that's okay.

Thanks.

Go get me some water.

Hello?
Dude, it's Greg.

What'd she say?

I got some bad news.

They're going to
celebrate New Year's Eve,

but it's not in Times Square,
it's in Tiananmen Square.

And it's not tonight,

it's the Chinese New Year.

So it's not till February.

But she said you can
still come iyou want.

To China? No, I don't think
I'll be able to make it.

Sorry, dude.

Too bad I didn't make
a New Year's resolution to be depressed.

Since Greg didn't come through in the clutch,

I decided to see who could
come through on the block.

I tried Risky.

My mom said if I can find a
responsible adult to take me

so I can go down to Times Square.

Aw, sorry, man, I can't.

I've got to deliver some
time-sentive products.

What type of products?

1986 calendars.

I tried Mr. Omar.

I'm sorry, Chris,
I can't take you.

For an undertaker,

New Year's Eve is like the day
beforere the after Chstmas sale.

People act like drunken fools
tonight, and dead tomorrow.

Tragic, tragic!

I even tried Kill Moves.

I had to start using the word
"responsible" loosely.

Kill Moves, wake up.

I'm awake, I just
got my eyes closed.

I'm testing their opacity.

What do you need?

I was wondering if you wanted to go with me tonight
to see the ball drop in Times Square.

I would love to!

But I can't see
through my eyelids,

so I don't see what
the point would be.

Hey, hey, Chris? Chris?

At New Year's Eve, my father was on TV more than Dick Clark.

Hey look, dad is on TV again.

So, I climbed up the girder
to where the guy
was sitting and I said,

"What if everybody who ever had
a problem jumped off a bridge?"

Climbed up a girder?

To keep from falling asleep,

Tonya got herself
a secret weapon.

Instant coffee.

For staying awake, it's the
next best thing to crack.

Hey, Tonya,
come watch Dad on TV.

I am, I just got to go
to the bathroom first.

The Chicago Cubs haven't won
the World Series since 1908.

They didn't
jump off a bridge.

Dad's on TV again?

Yeah, before he
talked that guy down,

he had to climb up to the
top of the bridge to do it.

It was so cool.

No, that was not cool,
it was crazy.

It was crazy-cool!

We're here at Chris' house

where we've secretly replaced the fine coffee they usually
serve with Folgers Crystals.

Let's see if anyone
can tell the difference.

Maybe that wasn't Folgers!

Chris, did you find somebody
to take you to Times Square?

Not yet. You think
Dad could take me?

Oh, well, go climb up a bridge
and maybe he'll come get you.

Give me that.

Hello?

Hey, honey, it's me.

Where are you?

I just got off an interview.

It's crazy!

This morning I was just
coming home from work and--

I know what you've been doing,
it's all over the news.

What the hell is wrong with you?

What? I just talked
a man down from--

No, you didn't just
talk a man down.

You just climbed up onto
a girder to talk a man down.

While you were up there
saving his life,

did you think
about your family?

I mean, what if that fool would've jumped
and took you with him?

Did you think about that?

I saved his life.

And you almost
got yourself killed.

Your son needed you,

and you were out there
on top of the George Washington Bridge.

Needed me for what?

You know what?
I'm not even gonna deal with this.

Chris, it's for you.

It's Spider-Man.

If he doesn't come home soon,
she's gonna be the Black Widow.

Hey, Dad, I was wondering if you could take me down
to Times Square to see the ball drop tonight.

Yeah, man, I'd love to...

All right, cool,
I'll go get ready.

I'd love to, but I can't.

I have to go downtown with the mayor
and get the key to the city.

Then dinner with Batman.

I probably won't
be back in time.

The traffic's still
pretty bad out here.

Why don't you get
your mother to take you?

Just because I can't go
to Times Square tonight,

am I gonna jump off a bridge?

When I Realized my resolution wasn't going to work out,

I decided to make a new one--
no more resolutions.

Hey, baby, what you doing?

Getting ready for tonight.

Well, I'm sorry you couldn't
find anybody to go with.

Maybe next year.

Yeah.

Tasha is downstairs.

Hey, Chris.

I saw your dad on TV.

That was really brave,
what he did.

Yeah, I guess.

What's wrong?

Nothing. I was just hoping my dad could take me
to Times Square tonight,

but he's all tied up
with these interviews.

I'mgoing to Times Square tonight
with my mom and Malvo.

Why don't you come with us?

I don't think she' let me.

Why not?

You know why.

Well, you can at least ask.

Ma! Can I go to Times Square
with Tasha, Peaches and Malvo?

Hell, no!

While my mother got
ready for New Years,

Peaches got ready to rumble.

How come you won't let Chris
go to Times Square with me?

Well, hello, Peaches.

You know what, Rochelle?

If we are gonna be friends,

at some point you are gonna
have to learn how to trust me.

Mmm... Now, I'll trust you
with some clothes,

but trusting youith my
children, that's another thing.

Not to Britney Spears.

Oh! Huh.

And why is that?

You know why.

No, no, no, no.
Say it. Say it.

No, no, no. Say it.
I want to hear you say it.

Um... you're an ex-convict.

Oh, my God, she said it.

She said it.

Rochelle,
what you think I'ma do?

I got it!

Drive the car, Chris.
Drive the car! Drive the car!

Drive the car!

Peaches, I don't have
to give you a reason.

Rochelle, you know what?

My parole officer said I am
proof that the system works.

I am a new me.

I have learned
from my mistakes.

I have paid my debt to society.

And you want to open a new
line of credit with my child.

Well, if not yours,
then whose? Mine?

She got to go with me.

Now, how am I supposed to feel
improved and empowered by that?

Peaches, this is not about you.

Yes, it is. You not not letting
him go with somebody else.

Peaches,
it's dangerous down there.

Rochelle, don't you
think I know that?

That's why I got Malvo coming.

Oh, that's nice--
another ex-convict!

Ex! Ex, Rochelle.

That means "former." "Used to be."

"Not currently."

And you know what?

This is what's really,
'cause it makes me...

and I'm gonna be
upset about this now.

If you won't let me move on,

then it's only a matter of time
before I become an accomplice all over again.

Now, do you want that
on your head?

Peaches.

Please, girl. Look, we
gonna follow the rules.

We'll cross at the green
not between.

We won't jump any turnstiles.

Even though that is
a family tradition.

And, listen, Tasha really,
really wants Chris to go.

You know, they'll have fun.

We'll be careful.
I promise.

Fine.

What you say?

Fine.
Okay, girl, I'll see you later.

Chris!

Your mother said
you could go, boy!

Hurry up before
she change her mind!

Bye, girl.

All right, then.

Happy New Year.

Okay, Chris.

Now, with all the
traffic and the people,

you won't get home till
early in the morning,

but you're gonna be the first male
to walk through the door for the New Year.

So, here's $20.

Keep it in your wallet.

That's to bring us
luck and good fortune for the rest of the year.

You got it.

Okay. Oh, I love you, baby.

Be safe.

Be careful.

Even though my resolution
was coming to pass,

it didn't matter
when it came to the cops.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

I'm sorry, folks,
we're at capacity. All right?

We got over two million
people in there now.

Capacity?
It's Times Square.

Well, what difference is
four more people gonna make?

We came all the way
from Bed-Stuy.

Well, you should've
came earlier.

Now step back.

Oh. Ah!
No, no, no, no, baby.

No, no, no.
If I wasn't on parole,

I swear.
Where's my...

What are we
gonna do now?

Maybe we should find a bar or something
Nah!

and watch it on TV.
Nah!

we seeing
this ball drop.

I know what to do.

I'll be right back.

Come on, come on,
come over here.

They're shooting!
They're shooting!

Office Officer!
White man with a gun!

It looked like Chevy Chase!
He's over there!

He's over there?

He's over there! He's...

Come on, y'all, let's go.

Who's shooting?
Ain't nobody shooting, boy. Come on.

I heard some gunshots!

Come on, baby, yeah.

While we were trying
to get into Times Square,

my dad was trying
to get through traffic.

Come on, people!

My father had
the key to the city,

but it couldn't open gridlock.

Back home, Tonya was awake
and Drew had glue on his face.

Girl, would you stop all that hopping up
and help me put these bags in the window?

Do you think Daddy's gonna
make it home before midnight?

I hope so.

While Tonya's heart
was beating a mile a minute,

my dad was driving
at the same rate of speed.

That was "I've Got a Crush
on You" by The Jets,"

helping to bring in
the new year,

Get outta the way!

I never really
believed in things like New Year's resolutions,

but for the first time
in my life,

I remember thinking
that dreams can come true.

Once again, it's New Year's Eve
in Times Square.

Happy New Year from all of us.

Ten!

Nine!

Eight!

Seven!

Six!

Five!

Four!

Three!

Two!

One!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, baby!

Happy New Year!

Kissing Tasha on New Year's Eve
was amazing.

My only fear was that

I was gonna turn
into a pumpkin at midnight.

Chris. So, how did it go?

Great. It was the best
night of my life.

Did you have
any problems?
No.

Did anybody get arrested?
No.

Detained?
No.

Searched?
No.

Questioned?

No. It was perfect.

Damn. I forgot the first guy in the house
supposed to have money in his pocket.

No, no, no, no, baby,
I already took care of that.

I made sure you were in
the house before midnight,

and before Chris left,
I gave him $20

to ensure that we would
have luck and good fortune for the rest of the year.

Just in case the black-eyed
peas don't work.

So now, if you will kindly
give me my $20 back

so we can get
this year started.

Boy, don't play with me.
Give me my money.

Hey, y'all.
Sorry to bother you.

I let myself in.

Peaches needed me to
come through the door with se money in my pocket

since I was gonna be the first man
through the door after midnight,

so I pickpocketed Chris.

Anyway,

I just wanted to give you back...your wallet.

Happy New Year!

He was supposed to have
that money in his pocket.

And now we're gonna
have bad luck for the rest of the year.

Great.

Happy New Year!