Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 8 - Everybody Hates Minimum Wage - full transcript

Everybody Hates Chris #057
"Everybody Hates Minimum Wage"
Closed Captioned

CHRIS ROCK:
By 1986 I'd been working
at Doc's for three years.

Outside of getting robbed
four times,

sick on the pickles three times
and a double hernia,

it was the single greatest
job I ever had.

And from time to time, a pretty
girl might stroll in.

In exchange for all
my hard work,

I got paid three dollars
an hour.

Good job, man.

$60-- cold hard cash.

I had the perfect job...



till I found out
about minimum wage.

Basically, minimum wage
is the only guarantee

people get paid in money.

Your boss would pay you in
Popsicle sticks if he could.

Great work.
A Popsicle stick?

What do you take
this thing for, man?

I cannot work and live off
no Popsicle sticks.

The least you can do is give me
the damn Popsicle.

Minimum wage. Shoot.

There was a time when
the maximum wage for
black folks was zero.

But now the government requires
that you pay me $3.35 an hour.

Well, work for
the government.

Look, Chris, I like
having you around

and you do a good job.



But I just can't
spare the money.

It's only 35 cents
more an hour.

35 cent an hour...
that's $28 a month.

That's three cartons
of milk a day,

that's two boxes of
Mike and Ike an hour.

That's no.

That's when I realized
I'd found the one person

cheaper than my father.

I thought about picketing, but
I was afraid this would happen.

He won't pay!

I won't stay!

He won't pay,
I won't stay!

I thought about a sit-in,
but I was afraid

this would happen again.
(siren wailing)

* Wages...

(police yelling)

No justice, no peace!

(Chris continues yelling)

But I decided on an ultimatum.

Doc, listen,

I come in on time,
and I never leave early.

I work hard,
so I deserve minimum wage.

And if you're not
going to give me a raise,

I'm going to have to leave.

It's a matter of principles.

Is that an ultimatum?

Well, is it?

Yeah.

Nice working with you.

You'd really let me go?

Where else are you
going to find

somebody as reliable
and trustworthy as I am

that'll work for $60 a week?

Sir, are you hiring?

Well, am I?

Are you?

Depends.

You gonna pay me?

Nope.

Then yes, 'cause I quit.

Maybe I should have gotten
Al Sharpton involved.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

ROCK:
I tried to get minimum wage

while my father tried to get
minimum sleep.

Guess what? Vanessa asked me
to be her hair model

for the upcoming
hair show.

By "Vanessa asked," she meant
"I begged."

Please, please, please, please
let me be your hair model!

Fine. Pull yourself together.

Thank you!

Hair show, huh.
Yes.

Does it pay?

Well, it pays $100, but I'm
not doing it for the money.

You know, it's always
been a dream of mine
to be a hair model.

Julius, I could just
see myself

walking down that runway.

(cameras clicking)

('80s dance music playing)

(audience cheering, whooping)

I said, "You better
give me my money, fool."

At dinner, Drew looked sadder
than 69-cent shoes.

Hey, Drew.

What's wrong?

Failed my history test.

Told you sleeping in a room with
Chris would make you stupid.

Tonya, hush.

What happened, baby?

I studied, but when
I sat down, my mind went blank.

Your mind went blank?
What kind of excuse is that?

Did you eat breakfast?
Yes.

Well, did you get
a good night's sleep?

Yes.

Well, boy, did you hit
your head

on a stupid rock
on the way to school?

No.

Well, I'm gonna help you study
for that next test.

'Cause I didn't raise
no dummies.

Bush's mom says that, too.

How was work, Chris?

Huh?
How was work?

Oh, oh, it was fine.

Good. Tell Doc I said hi.

He's a good guy.

Yeah, he's great.

If I developed a drug problem,
my next job might be president.

You quit?

Yeah, now I have
to find another job.

I can't tell my dad
I quit my job.

He'll kill me.

I've got a couple things
circled to check out.

* How happy you made me, oh,
Mandy, well, you came... *

Greg?

* Well, you came
and you gave without... *

Greg!
What?

You're drooling.

* But I sent you away,
oh, Mandy... *
It's Mandy.

* You kissed me and stopped
me from shaking... *
She's so hot.

She's all right.

Plus, you've been saying
that for the past month.

Why don't you just
go talk to her?

I can't just go up to her
and start talking.

Works for pimps.

Yeah, you can.

Okay, smarty-pants,

Do I say "hi"?
Do I say "hello"?

Or maybe "hey"?

Or even "hey, hi"?

The possibilities
are endless.

We haven't even gotten
to what I'll be wearing.

I know what you'll be wearing--
a look of frozen terror.

* And I need you...

I wasn't getting paid,
and Greg was afraid.

Oh, girl, I'm so excited!

So what styles
do you have in mind?

Well, let me tell you about
my follicular extravaganza.

Girl, check out
Vanessa's designs.

Ooh, my goodness!

Who did these drawings?

Girl, my cousin Dante.

He's taking an art class
in prison.

ROCHELLE:
They are so cute.

I could just picture myself
in all of them.

My mother imagined herself
in the Eiffel Tower...

the Helicopter...

and the Black Smacker.

Ooh!

I've decided to go with
the one that is the most
difficult technique-wise.

The Tsunami.

Whoa. You know what, I heard
the last hairdresser

who tried the Tsunami died.

No, actually, the hairdresser
was fine--

It was the model
that died.
What?

Mm-hmm, hairspray poison.

Wait a minute,
what's this one?

Girl, that's the upside down
cruise ship--

you know, The Poseidon
Adventure?

But we're not
going to do that one.

You know how hard it is to get
1,500 tiny little people

made out of hair?
It's a mess.

Wait a minute, I heard
Jacquot LeBluke is competing.

This is a long, dramatic story

about back-stabbing
hairdressers

that we've heard before.

So we're going to move on.

While my mother got
a dye job,

I went to get a job-job.

This was the first restaurant
in Bed-Stuy

without a bulletproof window.

There was the bulletproof
fish place...

then the bulletproof
salad bar...

and the bulletproof
hot dog stand.

MAN:
Yeah, man, can I get
a number two, please?

When can you start?

Tomorrow after school.
You're hired.

The job pays minimum wage
and all the rice you can eat.

I'll take it!

Listen closely,
and you'll learn how to say

the "N" word in Chinese.
(speaking Chinese)

Now focus, boy.

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

Chris, where
you been?

You were supposed to
be back an hour ago.

I was out selling crack.

Not all my early attempts
at comedy were a success.

Just kidding.

I was out
looking for work.

Found a job working
at Hoo's Hunan.

Hoo's on First?

I like Woks on Second.
What happened to Doc's?

He refused to pay me
minimum wage,

so I found a job that would.

Minimum wage.

(chuckles)
I paid a man to let me
work my first job.

You kids
got it good.

It's about the principle, Dad,
not the money.

I work hard, and if the man says
I should be paid $3.35

then he should pay me.

Good luck with that.

You get free Chinese food?

Yeah, all the rice I want.

I like those principles.

Good, 'cause I ain't cooking
till after the hair show.

The next day,
I got $3.35 worth of new job.

About as much as you look
like Yoko Ono.

You're late.

No, I'm not.
It's 3:00.

It's 3:01.

Now, get to work.

No matter what I did,

it seemed like I was supposed
to be doing something else.

When I washed the floors...

Lionel Ritchie,
set the tables.

When I set the tables...

Lionel, organize
the fortune cookies.

When I organized
the fortune cookies...

5:30. Lionel Ritchie,
go wash the dishes.

He wouldn't talk to the real
Lionel Ritchie like that.

What?

Keep on working.

I was lucky Mr. Fong
wasn't zoned to grow cotton.

(speaking Chinese)

What are you doing?

Oh, I finished the dishes, so
I decided to start my homework.

No homework.

You have work-work.

But Doc always let me
start my homework.

Well, you are not
at Doc's anymore.

Go fix the menu numbers.

I was getting minimum wage
and having minimum fun.

My new job wasn't just
making me tired of working,

it was making me
tired of Greg.

Hey, man, you look terrible.

I know.

I work more
at Hoo's in a day

than I do at Doc's
in a month.

There's Mandy.

I've decided to go
with "hey."

Can't figure out what I'm gonna
do with my hair though.

Should I part it to the side
or go straight back?

Shave it off and start over.

Chris, wake up, I'm trying
to tell you something.
What?

I've been having
a hard time

with my Mandy situation.

This girl could be
my future ex-wife,

and I don't want
to mess it up.

Greg still isn't over
his parent's divorce.

That's not a real problem.

You think you're
having a hard time?

You've got an
obvious solution.

Let me help you.

Hey, Mandy...

Greg wants
to talk to you.

Who's Greg?

Him.

There, how's that?

You're embarrassing me.

And when it comes
to embarrassing myself

in front of girls,
I don't need any help.

I don't know.

I think she kind of liked him.

(coughing)

Ta-da!

Well, what do you think?

Fabulous!

Now, remember,
don't move it.
Don't touch it.

Don't stick
anything in it.
Don't scratch your head.

Don't move
your eyebrows.
Don't shower.

Don't bathe.
Wash up.

And, most important
of all, don't lie down.

Well, how am I
supposed to sleep?

You're not supposed to sleep.
You're a hair model.

Well, models sleep.
They don't eat.

Not hair models.

They eat, not sleep.

Everybody gather round!
Look at me!

Look at me!

Ooh!

While a team of people
worked on my mother's hair,

Idid the work of a team.

He who sleeps at work wakes up
with a foot in the ass.

I wasn't sleeping.
I was breathing.

Well, breathe while you work.

Mr. Fong,
can I ask you a question?

All talk
and no work

makes Chris unemployed.

I embarrassed my friend Greg
in front of a girl,

and now he won't talk to me.

What should I do?

Here.

"Get back to work."

Now, hand out
these delivery menus.

People found the idea
of getting food delivered

in Bed-Stuy unbelievable.

Delivery in Bed-Stuy.

Unbelievable.

Delivery? In this neighborhood?

Man, you crazy.

I got kids over here
I don't visit.

So how's it going

out there, Chris?

They're not working you
too hard, are they?

No. It's great.

Mr. Fong's cool.

So how's it going here?

Good.

Good.

So, um...

it's not too hard, you know,

working over here by yourself?

Hey, Chris.

James, what are
you doing here?

I work here.

You think I'm just
walking around in an apron

carrying boxes for nothing?

I'm trying
to make some

extra money.

Man, there must be
something wrong with you.

This is a goodjob!

I'm sure glad you quit.

And tell Tonya I'm holding
aside the bubble gum she likes.

You're going
to be holding your teeth

if you go near my sister.

You failed
the test again?!

But we studied this, boy!

What happened?

I don't know.
My brain froze.

Well, you better
thaw it out!

My teacher says she wants
a parent to come in.

Well, your father
will go with you tomorrow.

Why can't you go?

I can't go with this hair.

I don't want those people

to think I'm some
no-account hair model.

Here.

If Drew didn't
get it together quick,

he was going to be lost at sea.

Delivering in Bed-Stuy
was an adventure.

Who is it?!

Hoo's.
Who's what?

Hoo's delivery.
Who--- I don't know!

Man, it's Chinese food!
Oh.

Thank you.

(woman yelling)

Chinese food.

Oh, don't worry,
'cause this your last supper!

I saw you with her!

Didn't you see him, baby?

Everybody did!

You must think
I'm stupid or blind.

Maybe you think
I'm stupid andblind.

How much is it, baby?

Well, one thing
I promise you--

you ain't going to have
to think much longer!

He must think I'm crazy.
He must...

Baby? Baby, where you at?

Oh. Oh, no, don't move.
Don't move!

Lionel Ritchie, you're back just
in time for another delivery.

I'm not going back out there.

This neighborhood
is too dangerous for deliveries.

You're basically
sending me out there

with a sign saying, "Hey,
I got money. Please rob me."

Plus, I almost got shot.

My nephew has been shot by
the Chinese army seven times.

He should stop attacking China.

Here's your check.

Maybe it help
you feel better.

$48.29?

Where's the rest of the money?

Taxes. The law says
I have to take out withholding.

Welcome to America.

Now take this
to Decatur Street.

Uh-uh. You take it.
'Cause I quit.

And I don'tlook
like Lionel Ritchie.

Yes, I do!

Hey, Dad.
Hey, Chris.

How's the new job
working out?

I quit.
You quit?

Quitting is for smoking
and drinking.

You better have a good reason
for quitting your job.

Mr. Fong kept yelling at me,
I almost got shot at,

I got robbed,
I'm getting sick of rice,

and to top
that all off,

I'm getting paid
way much less
than I was before.

You know what, Chris?

You quit Doc's
for your principles.

He was a good boss,
but you picked minimum wage

over good working conditions.

Looks like you picked
the wrong principle to stand on.

Yeah, I did.

What you going to do now?

I'm going to go out
and find a new job.

That's not it, Chris.

You can't just quit every time
you don't like something.

What if Miles Davis
had quit the trumpet?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

What if George Washington Carver
quit the peanut?

What if B.B. King
quit "Lucille"?

What if Paul Robeson
quit "Old Man River"?

What if Bill Cosby
quit Jell-O?

What if Mr. T quit
pitying the fool?

What if Stevie
quit wondering?

What if Fat Albert
quit The Cosby Kids.

What if Ashford
quit Simpson?

What if Michael Jackson

quit doing
the moonwalk?

What if Diana Ross
quit The Supremes?

Diana Ross
did quit the Supremes.

You get my point.
Just go get a job.

Okay.

Later, my mother's Tsunami
came crashing down in waves.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Oh, hey... (screams)

The tsunami turned
into Hurricane Rochelle.

What happened
to my hair?

What happened to my hair?

All my work! What did you do?

What did you do?

What am I supposed to do
with a head full of broken hair?

What am I gonna do
about the show?

Oh, God, the show!

Forget the show!

Julius is never going
to sleep with me again!

Everybody's going to think...

My mother's career
as a hair model was over

faster than Pacman Jones'
career as a citizen.

(Vanessa crying)

My father went to get to
the bottom of Drew's problem,

which was actually
where the problem started.

Is that
Ms. Crabtree?

Yep. That's her.

My father took one look
at Ms. Crabtree

and knew exactly
why Drew was failing.

Excuse me. Can I help you?

Hi, Drew.

Hi.

Is all of that
really necessary?

I'm sorry. All of what?

All of this.

I mean, the boy
can't even concentrate.

Neither can you.

I'm sorry.
I still don't follow.

Excuse me.

Drew, what's eight times 12?

I don't know.

How about now?

96.

Who wrote
the Declaration of Independence?

I don't know.

How about now?

Thomas Jefferson.

Drew, what's your name?

I don't know.

Look, if you're going
to be an educator,

buy some uglier clothes.
Please.

Come on.

Drew's grades improved
after he transferred

to the class of Miss Murphy,

a 90-year-old lady
with a mustache.

Come on.

All righty, class.

So, today, we're going to learn

about the Mexican-American War.

What do we know about
the Mexican-American War?

Anybody?

We know we'd like to take you
out for Mexican food.

Nobody?

Hey, Greg.

Ididn't know
what to say to Greg,

so I imagined
what Doc would say.

Chris, you need to tell
your friend you're sorry.

Why? He's the one
with the problem.

All I did was
try to help.

I got him
talking to Mandy.

You got him to feel
like an idiot.

He is an idiot.

All I got to do
is say "hi."

Look, Chris.

A man can't say "hi"
or "good-bye" to a woman

unless he's ready
to do it on his own.

Now, you got him
to talk to Mandy.

Now you got to get him
to talk to you.

Hey, man, listen.

I'm sorry for embarrassing you
in front of Mandy.

What the heck?

It's not like I have other
friends to hang out with.

So we're cool?
Yeah.

We were friends,
but we were far from cool.

I can't believe the Knicks

lost that game
last night.

Hey, Doc.

Hey. Good to see you, Chris.

Just coming by to say I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

Quitting my job.

I mean, I didn't know
how good I had it.

Chris, if I paid you
minimum wage,

you'd get taxed,
and I'd get taxed.

I'd have to get
unemployment insurance,

workmen's compensation.

And there are
child labor laws.

Look, the bottom line is,
if I paid you minimum wage,

I'd have to close up the store.

Years later,
Doc closed the store

and opened a Wal-Mart.

Oh. Well, thanks. See you later.

Wait, wait, wait, Chris.

If you want your job back,
it's yours.

What about James?

He quit.

Here you go, Doc.

You're working at Hoo's now?

Yeah, man. That's a good job.

I don't know
why you quit.

He pays $67 a week cash.
No taxes.

Must be
something wrong

with you.

I'd like to kick him
in the fortune cookies.

* Everybody hates Chris.