Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 7 - Everybody Hates Houseguests - full transcript

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #052
"Everybody Hates Houseguests"
CLOSED CAPTIONED

(80's pop music playing)

Hey, Greg, what's up?

My father's going
out of town for a week.

I have to stay
with my grandmother.

I'm not looking forward
to it.

Why not?

Left, right, left knee,
right, left, right...

Anyways,
I'll catch you later.

CHRIS ROCK:
For most of my life,

I'd never had a friend
stay over at my house...



Hey, Greg.

...mostly because
I didn't have a friend,

and we already had too many
people in our house.

You want to just come
stay at my house?

Are you serious?

That'd be totally awesome.

Yeah, all I have to
do is ask my mom.

Boy, are you crazy?!

And why are you just

springing this up on me?!

So he can't
come stay with us?

Well, baby, it's just
that I'm at work,

and I don't have time
to get ready for company.

Okay, all right,
Greg can stay,



but just tell him don't expect

anything special.

* Our house,
in the middle of our street *

I'm warning you, man,
don't expect anything special.

Don't worry, dude,
I'm just happy to be here.

Hello, Greg!
Hors d'oeuvre?

If this isn't special,
I'd hate to see her overdo it.

Come, eat.

Help! My mother is possessed
by a nice lady.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Now, wait a minute.

You know we say
grace every night.

No, we don't.

Yes, we do.

Now, shut up and bless the food.

If I didn't thank the Lord
at the table,

my mother was going to send me
to thank him in person.

Dear Lord, bless this food
that we are thankful to receive.

Amen.

ALL:
Amen.

What kind of food is this?

GREG:
Vegetarian.

My stomach has a lot of trouble
breaking down enzymes.

I didn't know you could buy
vegetarian fatback.

JULIUS:
It's not bad.

Hey, pass the big piece
of vegetable.

Do we have to eat this?

If you want to eat here.

Hey, Drew,

thanks for giving me your bed.

But if you want me to sleep on
the couch instead of you,

I understand.

Oh, no way. Now I have
the TV to myself at night.

Julius, do you want me to make
you an extra plate for work?

Oh, that'd be great,
baby. Thank you.

Work? It's nighttime.

He works at night.
And days.

My dad has two jobs.

Make that three. I just picked
up a side job driving a cab.

A cab? When do you have time
to drive a cab?

I'm just trying it
for the weekend.

I'll see how it goes.

Wow. When do you sleep?

(all laugh)

Hey, that's a good one.

Sleep.

Greg brought so much stuff,

I couldn't tell if he was
staying over or taking over.

You're wearing
Transformers pajamas?

Man, you're 15.

I like to pray
as different characters.

That way, God doesn't get bored
with me.

Tonight, I'm Optimus Prime,

leader of the Autobots.

(robotic voice):
Now I lay me down
to sleep,

pray the Lord my
soul to keep. Amen.

He should pray
for some self-esteem.

Good night, man.

I can't tell you
how great it is being here.

No problem. Night.

(snoring)

The snoring actually
wasn't that bad

compared to what followed.

* She's a maniac, maniac
on the floor *

* And she's dancing like
she's never danced before *

I was hoping a maniac
would break in

and smother Greg with a pillow.

Greg was driving me
up the wall,

and my dad was about
to get taken for a ride.

(siren wails in distance)

Where to?

Las Vegas.

Seriously, man, where to?

Las Vegas, Nevada.

Man, you crazy--
get out of my cab.

Hey, no, seriously,
brother,

I really need
to get to Las Vegas.

Look, I cannot take you
to Las Vegas!

Would you take me to Las Vegas
for a thousand dollars?

For a thousand dollars,
he'd take you to South Africa

during the height of apartheid.

Just let me call my wife.

To say good-bye.

(zany sound effects
playing on TV)

Hey, you guys, your
cereal is on the table.

Okay, here we go, Greg.

Egg white frittata,

honeydew melon
and dry wheat toast.

Thanks. This looks delicious.

Why's he get all this?

'Cause our regular food
would kill him.

(phone rings)

(phone ringing)

Hello.
Rochelle, it's me.

Listen, I won't be home
for dinner tonight.

I have to take a passenger
to Vegas.

Vegas?

Julius, are you crazy?

What about your regular job?

I have a few sick days
I can use.

I'll be back
by the end of the week.

Julius, you are not driving
that cab to Vegas.

The guy's
gonna pay me

a thousand dollars.

Get me Wayne Newton's autograph.

Bye.

While my father set off
for Sin City,

I showed Greg aroundthe
original sin city,Bed-Stuy.

I can't decide on a hairstyle.

I'm stuck between
Verdine White and Dr. J.

I cannot cut your hair, Greg.

Why not?

First of all, your hair's not
long enough to be Verdine White,

and it's not curly enough
to be Dr. J.

I've never used these scissors
on straight hair.

I don't know what will happen.

I'll start cutting
your hair, man,

sparks start flying everywhere,
your whole head catch on fire.

And I will not be sued
by white people!

Listen here, I got
the perfect shirt

for your haircut, huh?

Five dollars.

This has a hole in it.

That's not a hole.
It's distressed.

Guys in Manhattan
pay top dollar for this.

In fact, a distressed man
got shot in that shirt.

Hey,

little dude
from across the street.

Who this?

It's my friend Greg.

He's staying at my house
for a few days.

Hey, little white dude
staying across the street,

let me hold a dollar.

Nice shirt.

Risky got the shirt
from Jerome.

Hey, I just
got a nickname.

Hey, you just got robbed.

Cool!

That's what
I'm talking about.

Hey, I hate to hold us up,
but I am starving.

You hungry?

It's on me.

If you're paying, he's eating.

I could eat.

I'll go and get
some food.

You keep the car running.

I should call Rochelle.

He should call the cops.

(phone rings)

She did not just leave a mint
on Greg's pillow!

(phone ringing)

Hey. Hey, man,
what are you doing?

I thought I told you
to wait in the car.

I'm calling my wife.

I haven't talked
to her all day.

Do you want $1,000 or do you
want to talk to your wife?

Nobody had to ask my father
that question twice.

Let's go.

Today in Ohio, an armed fugitive
makes another stop

on his cross-country wave
of terror.

Will police catch him
before he strikes again?

Find out at 11:00.

Hey, man,
where you been?

Washing your dishes.

What are you doing?

Turning to MacGyver.

But I wanted to watch NOVA.

NOVA? What is that?

It's a show on PBS about science
as it relates to the universe.

Cool. That's almost
like MacGyver.

Just like Lawrence Welk
is like Soul Train.

Chris, Greg is your guest.

Let him watch NOVA.

Gelato?

Is that Italian for Jell-O?

Thanks.

I thought having

Greg stay over would be fun.

Probably what
the Indians thought

when they first saw Columbus.

ANNOUNCER:
Next on NOVA...

DEEJAY:
WEBW 1020 news time 5:00 a.m.

The search continues across
America for the taxicab bandit.

The suspect...

Greg was an only child,

and he was afraid
to sleep alone

so he dressed as superheroes
to scare the boogeyman.

(breather mask hissing)

Greg, get up.
Time to go.

What time is it?

5:00 a.m.

5:00 a.m.?

We don't have to be to school
for another three hours.

Yeah, but if we don't hurry,
we'll miss the first bus.

First? How many are there?

Three, plus a little
bit of a walk.

Greg was going to have to walk
a mile in my shoes.

How long of a walk?

About a mile.

GREG:
* Keep smiling, keep shining

* Knowing you can always
count on me *

Greg, hurry up!
I need to get in!

* That's what
friends are for... *

Chris, would you shut up?! Dang!

* Keep shining,
knowing you can... *

Boy, what is
your problem?

I need to go to the bathroom.

Well, you bang
on that door again

and I'm gonna knock out
whatever you're holding in!

Hey, good morning,
Julius.

How'd you sleep?

Like a baby, Eddie.

Do you mind if I make
a quick phone call?

Sure, sure, I don't mind.

You think you can have
the car running

and ready to go in five minutes?

Sure thing.

All right,
I'm just gonna collect

the deposit for the rooms back.

Okay.
All right.

Not just his deposit,
everybody's deposit.

Operator.

I'd like to make a collect call.

My father had a system

to beat the high price
of calling collect.

Hello?

You have a collect call from...
Daddy fine.

Nebraska cornfields.
Chris garbage. Hang up.

Would you like to accept?

Collect call
from your father?

Yeah. He's doing fine.

He's in Nebraska, and the
cornfields are pretty,

and Chris should
remember to take out
the garbage.

Okay.
Eventually, the phone company

started hanging up
on my father.

Back at school,
Greg was catching up

on more than his studies.

What year did the American
Revolution begin?

Greg. Greg?!

1942.

Greg, what's wrong with you?

You're usually so alert.

It's because he's staying
at my house for the week.

Oh, my God, he's drunk?!

Did he have a 40 for breakfast?

I'm not drunk.

I'm just not used
to getting up so early.

Don't be ashamed-- Chris's
people have a history

of being up when the
rooster crows to go
to work in the fields.

Who could expect
you to keep up?

Go back to sleep.

She was Don Imus in a dress.

After school,
Greg was doing his homework

while I was doing my work work.

Okay, now, Doc left some
instructions for you, Chris.

Now, get all the merchandise
out of all these boxes

and stock the shelves
with them, okay?

Now, all the empty boxes
need to be broken down and
cut up into small pieces

and thrown into the Dumpster
behind the Chinese place
when Mr. Hoo isn't looking.

Now, when that's done,
you can start your work.

Hey, uh, Greg,
you need anything?

Soda? Ice cream bar?

No, thanks.

How come you don't do your
homework like that, Chris?

Because I'm too busy
cutting up boxes.

Meanwhile, my father
had turned into Al Cowlings,

and he didn't even know it.

Hey, you might want
to slow down.

They love pulling people over
on roads like these.

If you're black,
they like to pull you over

coming out of your driveway.

I-I think we need
to stop for gas soon.

Have you seen the
price of gas lately?

It's highway robbery.

Highway robbery?

What's that supposed to mean?

I mean, gas is
costing me a fortune.

(laughing):
Oh. That's what you mean.

Here, I'll pay
for the last fill-up.

(chuckles)
A twenty?

Keep the change.
Thanks, man.

If my father
was allowed to see

the price of gas today,
it would kill him.

Now, why are you in such a
rush to get to Vegas anyway?

One reason.

(laughs softly)
Karen.

We were together...
but I lost her.

Well, what happened?

It's a long story.

I made some mistakes,

and now I have to go back
and tell Karen I love her

and get her back.

Well, I hope it all
works out for you, Eddie.

Not to be nosy,

but you've got cash--
why don't you just fly to Vegas?

Oh, um, I'm, um...

I'm claustrophobic.

Not to mention truth-ophobic.

Oh, Chris, your dad
wanted to remind you

to take the garbage out.

Already did.
What's wrong, baby?

Well, Ma, it's just that...

No, not you, baby.

I was talking to Greg.

What's wrong?

(sighs)
I had to get up so early,

and it took so long
to get to school,

I feel a little rundown.

Oh, well, I'm sorry
you feel that way, Greg.

You want Chris
to run you a hot bath?

A hot bath? She wouldn't
let me use hot water

to make hot water.

I am not running him a bath.

Chris, be nice, okay?

Greg has had a long day.

Um, that's okay.

It's about time for bed.

Okay. Well,
good night, boys.

What's wrong with you?

You had the same day as me--
and I had school and work--

so why are you so tired?

It's not like
I do this every day.

Exactly.
If you got treated like me,

you wouldn't last two seconds.
Hey, man,

at least you have
a little help around here.

Most of the time, I have
to get by on my own.

Oh, yeah, with your own room,
your own TV, your own allowance.

You know what,
you're being really immature.

I'm being immature?

Man, you're the one going to bed
dressed as Superman.

No. I'm going to bed
dressed as Clark Kent.

What I'm trying to say is,

you've been here
for the past four days,

and I'm getting tired
of doing everything for you.

You know what? Nobody asked you
to do anything for me.

I don't want you
to do anything for me.

At least that way, I won't
have to hear your mouth.

Cool.

Cool!

(snoring)

Good morning, baby.

Where's Greg?
His frittata's ready.

Oh, upstairs.

Oh, well, I got to go, okay?

So make sure you clean off
the table and lock up,

'cause I got to be in early,
and tell Greg I said bye.

Okay.

Bye.

Since Greg didn't want me
to do anything,

that's exactly what I did.

Why didn't you wake me up?

You told me you didn't
want me to do anything
for you, so I didn't.

That didn't mean I wanted you
to let me sleep through school.

I missed the quarterly
history test!

Well, maybe you should've gone
to bed dressed as Superman.

That way you could've
flown to school.

Good thing
he doesn't have heat vision.

(fanfare playing)

SINATRA:
* She's got friends

* By the dozens...
This is it.

Yeah, this is it.

And...

here's your thousand dollars.

Oh.
(chuckles)

Julius, I really want
to thank you

for getting
me out of a jam.

A ten-to-20-year jam.

(sighs)
Boy... it's been so long
since I've seen Karen.

I really hope I'm doing
the right thing.

Well, do you love her?

Without a doubt.

Well, then you're
doing the right thing.

You know,

I got a good feeling
about you and Karen.

(sirens wailing,
tires screech)

Hey! Wha...?

JULIUS:
Hey, wh-what's going on?

Come out with your hands up!

Look, before you picked me up,
I robbed a bank.

Robbed a bank?!
Yeah,

and every other place we stopped
since we left Jersey.

What are you doing, man?!

I'm sorry it had to come
to this, Julius,

but I cannot go back to jail.

You'll never take me alive!

No, no, no, no, no!
Take me alive!

Please, take me alive!
Out of the cab!

Back home, Greg and I were
having our own standoff...

minus the guns
and the masculinity.

Okay, what's going on
between you two?

Ask him.

Chris?

I didn't do a thing.

You didn't wake me up!

You didn't wake him up?

Man, that's wrong.

Who asked you?
Excuse me,

I can handle this.

You didn't wake him up?
That's wrong.

Well, nobody
wakes me up.

Nobody puts chocolate
on my pillow.

If I took a half-hour
shower singing "That's
What Friends Are For,"

and you had to pee,
you would smack the crack

out of my behind.
Okay, watch yourself, boy.

If you didn't
want me to be here,

why'd you even invite me?
If you don't

want to be here,
why don't you just go?

Maybe I will.
See ya.

Fine.

I want to call

my grandmother--
may I use your phone?

Sure, Greg.

Chris, what is wrong with you?

I live here, and you're
treating him better than me.

(sighs)
Okay.

Baby, Greg is your guest, okay?

I been doing stuff
for him for one week

because he's your friend.

I've been doing stuff
for you for 15 years

because you're my son, okay?

Don't ever forget that.

She wasn't home.

Oh, yes, she was.

(dance music playing)
(phone ringing)

One, two, three, wah!

One, two, three, wah!

Meanwhile in Las Vegas,
my father rolled the dice

trying to reason
with a madman.

Eddie, you got
to give up, man.

The cops are gonna
start shooting.
Oh, I got a plan for that.

I'm gonna use
your body as a shield.

WOMAN (over bullhorn):
Eddie? Eddie,
are you there, honey?

Karen?

I love you, Eddie!

Karen...

I love you, Eddie!

Karen, I love you, too, baby,
I love you!

Eddie, please give up!

Please, do it for me, Eddie!
MAN:
She's right!

(crying):
Okay. All right.

I give up!

(crying)

I give up! All right!

Get out of the cab!
He's coming out!

I give up!

That's the first time a woman
Karen!

ever made a man
put a gun down.

Here you go, Officer.

I know you need
to take this in as evidence.

Freeze!
You're under arrest.

No, they need to take you in
as evidence.

After a week
of doing things for Greg,

the hardest thing was something
I had to do for myself.

You asleep?

I'm not talking to you.

But if I were talking to you,

I'd tell you how angry I am
because of what you did.

Look, I'm sorry.

But you know how tired
you were last night?

That's how tired I am
every night.

But I don't get to cry about it,
I just got to deal with it.

You don't have it so hard.

How do you figure that?

So you live in Bed-Stuy,

it takes you three hours
to get to school,

and you have
an after-school job.

So what?
I wish I had someone

to fight over the TV
or bathroom with.

The last thing my mother
cooked on the stove

got her a year of probation.

I don't do everything
on my own because I want to.

I do it 'cause I have to.

Dang, I guess I never
thought of it like that.

Sorry, man, I didn't mean
to be such a pain.
Aw, forget it.

I'll tell Ms. Morello
what happened,

and maybe she'll let you
take a make-up exam.

You think?
Yeah.

I'll just tell her that
you drank a 40 by accident.

By the time Greg left my house,
he really felt at home.

Little white dude
about to go home.

Let me hold a dollar.
Sure.

See ya.

Hey, if you need pants
to go with that shirt,

I can tighten you up.
Sorry,

but I just got robbed.

Oh. Well, maybe next time.

Yeah.

See ya.
Greg!

Hurry up before we get shot!

See you at school, man.

Take care, Greg.
See ya, dude.

(engine starts)

* We are family
Why didn't you tell me
they were Negroes?

It's okay, but I would've
appreciated a little warning.

I always thought
that Greg was lucky

because he had lots of toys,
a nice allowance and freedom.

But Greg showed me that I had
the most important thing

a person can have: a family.

Oh! Oh, ooh, ooh.

I need to draw you
a bath. Yeah.
Yeah.

After Greg was gone,
I actually kind of missed him.

* We are family

How was your trip, baby?

That's a long story.

* Get up, everybody, and sing

So how was it
having Greg over?

Cool. Can he stay over
again sometime?

Are you nuts?

I never worked so hard
in my entire life.

And I want my bed back.
And she is not making me eat
no more tofu.

(Drew and Tanya complaining)

Whoa, you gave
your brother's bed to Greg?

And you sit up here washing
dishes for the white man!

And that little TV show NOVA
was boring!

I'm tired of being a
vegetarian short-order cook!

* Everybody hates Chris.
(others continue complaining)