Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 20 - Everybody Hates the Ninth-Grade Dance - full transcript

CHRIS ROCK:
I always felt like
an outsider at Corleone,

but I never felt more
like an outsider

than when it was time
for the ninth grade dance.

So, you going to the dance?

You're joking, right?

No, seriously. I think
it's going to be cool.

For who?

When it came to dances,

there were two kinds:
the white kind...

...and the black kind.

Why would I go to
that dance anyway?



It's just a bunch
of people who hate me,

hating me in a room
while dancing.

We could film it and call it
Dancing with the Bigots.

Well, I'm going.

Yeah, right.

With who?

What are you looking at?

Not her!

Look. There's only

so many athletes. They
can't get all the girls.

Try telling that to the Knicks.

Dude, come on. I mean,
when you look back

on your last year
in junior high school,

what are you gonna tell people?



"I got my ass kicked
at the ninth grade dance."

Look, man, I want to go, but if
you haven't noticed, I'm black.

Who's gonna want
to go with me?

Maybe Bubbles the chimp
has a sister.

Unfortunately, she said no.

* Ah, make it funky now.

CHRIS ROCK:
I thought I had made
my mind up about the dance,

but at home,
it was a split decision.

So, you don't want
to go to your dance?

JULIUS:
I don't blame him
for not going.

He's the only black kid
in an all-white school.

Believe me:
I know what that's like.

You went
to an all-white school?

I went to an all-white world.

Everything's
all white:

schools, the grocery stores,
the laundromats.

The NBA.

So, did you go
to your school dance?

Yeah, I took this girl.

What was her name again?

Her name was "I haven't spoken
to her in 25 years."

Well, how was the dance?

It wasn't good.

I hated the music.

The food was strange.

And, oh, yeah,
I was the only black guy.

Well, you know, it all
worked out in the end.

I mean, if you would have had
a good time

with whatever her name is,
you might not have met me.

You had a good time at your
dance, and you still met me.

Sure did.
How come I couldn't
have a good time?

I'm not saying that
you couldn't have a good time.
You just said...

I did not. I'm just
saying it's funny

how you don't remember her name
after all these years.

That's exactly what you're
saying. It's... Nothing funny...

Everybody remembers the name of
the date they took to the prom.

Why do I have to remember
her name? It was 25 years ago.

I was just having
a loving moment.
What does that mean?

Yes, they are arguing
about a 25-year-old dance

where they didn't even know
each other.

MAN:
Hey, think fast.

DREW:
Hey, Uncle Ryan!

What's up?

Ryan?

Man, why you got
to say it like that?

You sound like I found you
in witness protection.

All I want to know is, what
big plans you have this time.

Why I got to have big plans?

How come I can't just be coming
through to say hello?

Because you're not.

All right, you want to know?

I'm going to tell you.

I'm opening a car dealership.

Oh!
Go, Drew.

My Uncle Ryan
was Drew's favorite uncle

because he was a dreamer,
and his dream was

to open a successful business.

He had some bad ideas.

RYAN:
Fried bread crust.

Fried bread crust?

Some people like the inside
of the bread.

This is for people
that like the outside.

This is for people
who like bypass surgery.

Mmm!

How much you need?

And a couple of good ideas.

They got 31 flavors
of ice cream.

I got 31 flavors
of chocolate milk.

Swiss chocolate,
cinnamon chocolate,

raspberry chocolate,

maple chocolate,
peanut butter chocolate.

You got to get in on this.

Well, what flavor is this?

This is milk chocolate.

Milk chocolate
chocolate milk?

Official drink of diabetes.

Man! How much you need?

Unfortunately,

the lactose intolerance
epidemic killed that one.

Oh, man,
a car dealership?

Man, that is so cool.

You should sell Ferraris.

He'll have
to steal them first.

A car dealership?

All I see is a vacant lot.

That's 'cause you got no vision.

No, that's because
it's a vacant lot.

Look, you know how people have
their cars repossessed, right?

Well, you could buy those cars
at an auto auction for, like,

three, $400,

then sell them
for four times as much.

Oh, man. Then we could use the
extra money to buy a new car.

You know I don't
like loaning money.

No, don't think of it as a loan.

You're letting your money
work for you.

Think of it
as getting your money a job.

Looks like my dad's getting
a snow job.

How much you need?

Mama?

Yes, baby?

Can I take ballet?

Ballet?

Oh, baby.

(laughs)

Oh. I've been waiting
for this day.

My mother always wished
she had more talent.

She dreamt of being in a band.

* Do your dance,
do your dance *

* Do your dance, quick

* Mama, come on, baby

* Tell me what's the word

* Word up

* Everybody say

* When you hear they call you

* You've got
to get it underway... *

And since she couldn't do it,
Tonya was the next best thing.

Oh, oh, hey,
let's see, let's see.

Oh, we got to get you
some slippers and some tights

and leotards, and you got
to have leg warmers

and-and wristbands, and we got
to get you some lessons.

And a stretching bar
and a wall full of mirrors...

A Russian partner
and a platinum card.

Deciding to go
to the dance was easy.

Getting somebody
to go with me was a lot harder.

Hey, Doc,
can I ask you a question?

You just did.

(laughs)

I'm just playing
with you, Chris.

Now, what it is?

I have to ask a girl
out to the dance.

I was wondering
if you could give me some tips.

Asking is easy.

Not getting turned down--
that's the hard part.

How do you not get turned down?

The girl has to say yes.

What makes them say yes?

You never know.

Yes, you do:

money, fame, cars, jobs
and diamonds.

But look, look, you got
to take your chances.

If she says no,
ask somebody else.

That's how I ended up
with my first wife.

That's how
he ended up divorced.

I decided to take Doc's advice

and ask every girl
in the neighborhood.

Sorry. I'm going
to Robert's school dance.

Look, I kissed you.
It was a game.

It's over.
Now leave me alone.

Are you crazy?

I'm not going
to Brooklyn Beach to no dance.

It's all white people
over there!

Dance?

With you? Please.

Quieres que corte?

Mejore hechas
te paratras!

Better move
to a bigger neighborhood.

Meanwhile, Greg made
one small step for nerds,

one giant step for nerd-kind.

I got a date
to the dance.

With who?

Jennifer.
Doesn't she hate you?

Well, she does,
but she also needs a math tutor.

I told her I'd get her a B,

and she agreed to walk in
with me and dance with me twice.

In Greg's world,
that was second base.

Wow. I asked just
about every girl

in my neighborhood,
and they all said no.

Well, why don't you just
ask somebody here?

In all our time as friends,

this is the closest I ever came
to punching Greg in the face.

How am I gonna get a girl
from this school to go with me?

Just ask somebody.

I did. I asked Lisa,
Sydney, Darlene,

and they all said no.

I even asked Ms. Morello.

Chris, I'm
flattered, but no.

Where's Mary Kay Letourneau
when you need her?

Would you ask her?

Oh, excuse me?
Buzz off,
sidekick.

I'm not the sidekick.

He's the sidekick.

Sorry, dude.

Not to mention, lonely dude.

CHRIS ROCK:
For me, the dance was over,

but Greg was getting
the party started.

Dude, I know who you can ask
to go to the dance with you.

Who is she?

Her name's Carrie.

She's kind of quiet.
She slips under the radar.

Like Al Qaeda.

How long has she been
in our class?

Since we got here.

I had never paid much attention

to her,
but when I thought back,

she was there
when I first got to Corleone.

Oh, yeah, now

I remember her.

How do you know
she's not going?

Well, Jennifer told me.

I mean, she wants to go,
just nobody's asked her yet,

and she really doesn't care
who she goes with.

No standards, no problem.

Carrie?
Yeah.

Hi. I'm Chris.
You're in
Ms. Morello's class.

Yeah. I never really
noticed you before.

That happens a lot.

So, you going to the ninth grade
dance with anybody?

No. You want to take me?

So much
for the smooth approach.

Yeah.

Good.

Call me.

We'll talk about it.

I wouldn't get a date
that easy again until...

Actually, I never got a date
that easy again.

Over at the auto auction,

my uncle was bidding
to strike it rich.

This is a very
solid vehicle.

Only 17,000 miles,
originally sold for $12,000.

We're going to start
the bidding off at $100.

I'm looking for $100.

I got $100.
I'll go for $150.

$150. $150.

Thank you very much.
$150. Looking for two.

$200. $200. $200.
Give me $200.

And I'm looking
for $250.

$250. $250. $250.

Thank you. $250.
Looking for three.

I got $300. $300.
$300 right there...

That guy wants
the same car.

Don't worry.
I'll get it.

$325 right over there.

Thank you, sir.
$325, looking for $350.

$350? Anybody $350?

$350. Okay, $350.

Four hundred!

Do you mind?

Sorry.

$400 right here.

$400. Looking
for $450.

Anybody $450?

$450. Holding up
$400. Going once.

Holding $400 twice.

Sold!

(cheering)

Hey, you won an auction,
not The Price is Right.

Okay, well, this looks
like everything.

Yeah. slippers,
leg warmers, tights,

hair band, leotard,
sweater, tutu,

stretching bar and
mirrors for the wall.

You spent a lot of money.

Baby, when you are up there

in your first performance
of Swan Lake,

oh, it will all be worth it.

So I guess that means
Swan Lake pays $92.87.

So, now all we got to do
is sign you up for class.

And help her develop
an eating disorder.

Put this on.

Oh, cute.
That is cute.

Since I was going to the dance
with Carrie,

I tried to get to know her
a little better.

We did a little walking,

a little talking
and a little eating.

So, you've been here
the whole time,

and you don't have
any friends?

What are you, black?

I don't like
that many people.

I got the exact
opposite problem.

Not too many people like me.

While we were talking
about people,

people were talking about us.

(scoffs):
Why would she go
with him?

He's so dirty.

I think he's blackmailing her,
and he's so ignorant.

Anybody would be better
than him.

He's so... sneaky.

That was the nice way
of putting it.

What they really meant was...

(scoffs):
What is she thinking?

He's so black.

Has she lost her mind?
He's black.

Did somebody hit her in the head
with a baseball bat,

poke her eyes out
and shoot her up with drugs?

Doesn't she know
he's black?

Talk about me going
to the dance with Carrie

spread like wildfire,

and the fire looked
something like this.

Well, seems like
it's in pretty good shape,

except for one thing.

This car has been underwater.

Underwater?

Yup.

Well, can you fix it?

Yeah, but it's gonna cost you
about $900.

DREW:
What?! $900?
We could take

the parts out and sell them

and get more
than we bought it for.

Did anybody ask you?

I thought getting a date
to the dance would be

the hard part, but having
a date made things even worse.

Dude, I've heard what
people have been saying.

This is ridiculous.

They're treating you like...

Like I'm going out
with a white girl?

Hey, Pete, Linc.

Where's Julie?
Funny.

I know.

Me and some of the kids

chipped in and got
you something?

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

Better than Mandingo.

The kids at school
didn't want me to go

to the dance with Carrie,
but I knew everyone

at the barbershop
would support me.

No, no! No!
You're going to the dance

with a white girl?
RISKY:
Now, what's the big deal?

He's going to the school dance,

and it's with somebody
from the school.

Thank you.

Hey, Monk,
you ever dated a white girl?

Nope. But I took a Vietnamese
girl to my prom.

Vietnamese?
North or South?

South.
ALL:
Ooh.

Well, anyhow,
she spent the whole night

hiding under the deejay booth.

She was hiding from him.

Well, I don't know
a lot about white women,

but I know two things:

when you perm their hair,
it gets curly, not straight;

and when you invite one
to your after party,

somebody's going to jail.

And it ain't the white girl.

Man, my uncle used
to always tell me,

"If you see me
with a white girl,

I'm holding her for the police."

Nicole Richie
said the same thing.

Hey, Carrie, can I talk
to you for a minute?
Sure.

I've been thinking
about this dance.

Me, too.

I don't even know
what I'm gonna wear.

What about you?
What are you wearing?

Nothing. 'Cause I'm not going.

When we come back,

I'm gonna make matters worse
by hitting her

with a bucket of blood.

Oh, baby, I forgot
to tell you,

Tonya's taking
ballet lessons.

Ballet? How much does that cost?

Too, too much.

You're supposed to say,
"Oh, baby, that's great!

Good luck!"

Oh, baby, that's great.

Good luck. How much?

Not much, I just had to buy her

an outfit
and a few other things.

Well, what happened
with you and Ryan?

Nothing.

Hey, Ma, did Dad tell you
about the car that we bought

that was dragged
out of the river?

What?

Note to self:
when doing wrong,

leave Drew at home.

So you bought a car?

It's a long story.
No, it's not.

All you had to do was say,
"Baby, I bought a car."

Hey, man.

Did you find a girl
to take to the dance?

Yep.
Oh, that's great.

Did you find an outfit to wear?

Do you have something
in a white-skin?

I'm not going.

Why not?

'Cause...

no one wants to see me go
with a white girl.

Not even blind people.

Aren't you gonna say something?

I guess, "Whew! That was
a close one"

would be the wrong thing.

Turns out I wasn't
the only one having

second thoughts about dancing.

Aren't you excited?

I guess.

Kind of nervous.

Baby, this is what
we've been dreaming of.

Don't be nervous.

See, once you learn the moves,

then you're gonna
have a recital,

and then you're gonna be

recruited by
the Dance Theater of Harlem

or the New York City Ballet.

And then you're gonna
move to Russia

and change your name
to Svetlana.

Ma, I don't want
to move to Russia.

Can we go home?

Oh, okay, I guess.

I'll just tell your dad

that we spent all
his hard-earned money

for nothing.

She pulled the same trick
when Tonya

didn't want to finish college.

Hey! How're you doing?

Hello, ladies!

I don't know what you're going
to do about this,

but I need that money back.

Oh, I'm already
ahead of you.

What, you put $400 in my wallet?

Don't worry, bro.
I got you.

Where'd you get that?

Sold the car to a dolphin.

From my new business,
Ryan's Auto Parts.

Drew was right.

The car had water damage,

but the parts were
in pretty good shape.

So I scrapped it
and made 1,100 bucks.

$1,100?
Here, Drew.

50 bucks? Ah, cool!

Hey, I'm going to head
down to the auction

and see if I can find
another one. You in?

You insane?

You know, I think
I'm gonna give my money

a few days off work.

I'm in.

Drew's money took my father's

money's job and made $150.

So that's it?

You cancel on me?

You quit talking to me

and I'm just supposed
to be fine with that?

Look, I'm sorry.

People were saying
bad stuff about us.

I didn't want to put you
through that.

So I'm not going
to the dance

because you can't take
a little name-calling?

What happened
to "Bed-Stuy, do or die?"

What's the worst
they can call you?

Stymie, Buckwheat, Rochester,

Grady, Rollo,

Junior Mint, Bosco,

Chim Chim, Shoe Sole,

Lakeside, Skillet,
Count Chocula, Mudpie...?

You done?

Look, I was just trying
to look out for you.

If you were looking out for me,

we'd still be going
to the dance.

You don't mind going
with a black guy?

You're black?!

Why didn't anyone tell me?

What was I thinking?

If you really didn't
want to go with me,

all you had to do was say so.

I don't even see why you asked.

It's not so bad.

A black girl would've
burned my house down.

*

Okay, ladies, that's
good for today.

And Tonya, great job.

You'll make a
wonderful ballerina.

Thank you.

See, honey?

I told you you would be great.

Yeah, but you also
threatened to slap

the arch out of my foot
if I wasted Daddy's money.

(chuckles):
Don't say that too loud.

The night of the dance,
I was all funked up.

So you're sure you don't
want to go to that dance, huh?

Yeah, that was a bad idea
from the start.

And when I say "start,"
I mean coming here from Africa.

Let me ask you something.

You still want to go?

Yeah, kind of.

Then you should go.

You can't let anybody stop you
from doing what you want to do.

Yes, I can.

But I thought you
didn't want me to go.

Well, those were for my reasons.

You need your own.

And right now,
you don't have one.

Well, I kind of wanted
to go with a date.

You can go on a date anytime.

Where's a laugh track
when you need it?

But this is your
ninth grade dance.

It's still the dance,
whether you have a date

or not.

You went to see
Rocky III by yourself.

It was still Rocky III.

Dad?

Thanks.

For what?

For not going on for two hours
about how

things are still the same even
if you do it by yourself.

He came back two hours later
and did it anyway.

Going to the ninth grade dance
by myself,

I found out a couple of things.

One, nobody expected
to see me there,

and two, I didn't care.

Hey, Beat Street.

Got nobody to
Electric Boogaloo with?

No, I'm here by myself.

I guess that makes
two losers here tonight.

Two?
Yeah.

You and Teena Marie over there.

Hey, man, you remember
Jennifer, right?

Hey, Jennifer.

I didn't say you could

introduce me to people.

The deal is we dance,

I stand next to you,
you help me with my grade.

You want to add things,
we have to talk about it.

I'm just saying "hi"
to a friend.

No, I saying "hi"
to your friend.

Let's dance.

I don't want this to last
any longer than it has to.

I gotta go.

After getting talked about,
put down,

and hated like
it was my first day at school,

I figured I might
as well get something

out of going to that dance.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to come
to the dance, so I came.

Yeah. Me, too.

I'm sorry for canceling on you.

Yeah, well... you did
what you had to do.

So, you want to dance?

Why would I want
to dance with you?

'Cause it looks like
it's either me or nobody else.

Yes.

"Yes," what?

I want to dance.

You look nice.

Shut up.
I'm still mad at you.

Later that night, four guys

still beat the crap out of me
in the bathroom,

but if I hadn't gone
to my ninth grade dance,

that never would have happened.

Hey, Carrie, I'm going to lunch.
You want to come?

No. I wanted to go to the dance.

We went. I'm done.

You need a friend,
talk to somebody else.

Quit staring at me, bug eyes.

* Everybody hates Chris.