Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 19 - Everybody Hates Being Cool - full transcript

Everybody Hates Chris #60
"Everybody Hates Being Cool"
Closed Captioned

CHRIS ROCK:
At 15, I was sick
of being a nerd.

When you're a nerd, people

you want to pay attention
to you ignore you,

and the people you wish would
ignore you, pay attention.

And I was done with it.

From now on,
I was going to be cool.

Cool guys got everything--

girls, cars, girls,
money, girls.

But what exactly is cool?

I tried the surfer look.



* See it in your walk

* Tell 'em when you talk...

I tried the superhero look.

* You got the right stuff,
baby... *

I tried the cowboy look,

but I ended up with
the Village People look.

No matter what I did,
I ended up

looking as cool
as a fat guy

in a sweat suit with
a herringbone chain.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Since I knew nothing
about being cool,

I decided to consult with
the coolest guy I knew

to find out his secrets.



Hey, little dude
from across the street.

Let me hold a dollar.

Hey, man, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Yeah.

Later on.

What do you think
makes a guy cool?

Cool?

Man, nothing makes you cool.

You either cool or you're not.

But what if you're
not born cool,

and you want to be?

Well, the fastest way
is to associate yourself

with cool people.

That way you're cool
by association.

But why would they want
to hang with me?

Look, man, it starts
with attitude, all right?

Followed by a little
head gear.

Accompanied by the walk.

The walk?

Yes, man.
All right-- the walk.

You got to put a lean
in your walk, man.

You know, like
you're slightly bothered

by an old gunshot
wound to the hip.

Like this.

Easy for him--

he had a gunshot wound
to the hip.

You see?
Now you try.

Nah, man, that ain't it.

Look, uh...

The collar, that's right.

Get this collar
popped up, man.

All right, now try again.

I can't watch this.

Nah, nah, that's...

that's not it at all.

All right, look,
we definitely

gonna have to pull out
the big guns on this.

Now, the coolest boy
in the world right now

is LL Cool J.

And you think you can
make me look like him?

Let's find out.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Hey, Chris.

It's working already?!

Let me hold a dollar.

Here's my self-respect, too.
Keep the change.

Well, got to go, little dude
from across the street.

Stay cool.

While I was on my way
to being cool,

spring cleaning was
making my mother hot.

Ugh!

Look at all this junk.

No he didn't.

Julius!

What's going on?

This is what's going on.

You told me you were going
to get rid of that years ago.

Instead you just
hid it from me?

It wasn't hid.

Yes, it was.

It was underneath
your camouflage jacket.

It was camouflaged!

Baby, it's a good coat.

Do you remember who
gave you this coat?

I think it was Janet.

You're damn right!

So when you told me that you
were gonna get rid of it,

that means you were lying,
so now you're a liar?

Yes.
You're acting like you
pulled Janet out of the closet.

What difference
does it make?

It's a coat, not
a woman-- damn!

So you're telling me
you're going to keep the coat,

even though I'm telling you
I don't want you to keep it?

Yeah. I see no sane
reason to get rid of
it, so I'm keeping it.

Okay, fine.

Keep the coat, Julius.

I hope it keeps you warm.

Takes a brave man to choose
a coat over a woman.

A brave stupid man.

Hey, man, did you
get shot in the leg?

No, why?

'Cause you're walking
like it hurts.

I'm just trying
to be cool.

It's not working.

It's not working?

Look at you-- you look like
a powder blue Dean Martin.

Technically, I look like
a powder blue Joey Bishop.

Whatever.

We need to change
our images.

I don't know about you,

but I'm tired of being at
the bottom of the totem pole.

A powder blue totem pole.

That's true.

I want to be
like them.

Tell me why they
don't go to school
and they don't work,

but they have great cars
and great girls?

Because they're criminals.

Those are the kids
from the arcade.

We can't be like them.

I mean, those kids
have either been suspended,

expelled or dropped
out of school.

When you're old,
that makes you a loser,

but when you're young,
it gives the illusion of cool.

Shh, be quiet.

Hey, kid, you got a cigarette?

No, but I got some gum.

Forget it.

It's spearmint.

And sugar-free.

I don't think he's listening.

Well, we learned
one thing--

cool guys have
cigarettes.

Now before you go getting
all upset,

in 1986,
almost everybody smoked.

People didn't give a damn
about health.

Here's a partial list
of things in this picture

that people didn't know
where dangerous.

Eventually, all these people
died horribly,

but while they lived,
they were cool.

My brother Drew was so cool,
he could do anything.

But in the spring of '86,
that changed.

Here, take this thing
away from me.
What's this?

It's evil.

The Rufus Cube--

the most diabolical puzzle
ever invented.

It caused nervous breakdowns,
divorces and suicides

because it was almost
impossible to solve.

This looks easy.

Chris, I got to go into the
library for a few minutes.

Watch the register.

The library?

Yeah, I got to go
to the bathroom.

I do some of my best
handicapping in the john.

Keep an eye
on the register.

A big part of being cool
is taking advantage

of opportunities
when they present themselves.

Now that I had cigarettes,

I had the start
of what I needed.

A real cool guy
wouldn't have paid,

but Nerdy McGee

would have felt too guilty.

Even though I had the keys
to being cool,

Greg was locked
into being a square.

All right, just put one
of these behind your ear.

Dude, that's contraband.

The Surgeon General
told us not to...

Greg, do you want
to look cool or not?

Yeah, but I don't want
to be a fugitive.

(siren wailing)

Freeze!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Get down!
All the way down!

Slowly remove the cigarette

away from your ear.

Stay there, dirtbag!

You don't have
to smoke it.

You just have to put it
behind your ear

and walk around like
those guys at the arcade.
The arcade?

I'd like to get back
in there again.

You went in the arcade?

Yeah, once.

(screaming)

Forget that.

That was before
you looked cool.

Okay, man, I'll try it.

Yeah.

Oh, remember, you get caught
with a cigarette in school

is an automatic suspension.

Right, it's just to walk around
and look cool

for the other kids.
Right.

So how do I look?

Nervous. Come on, man,
pop your collar.

Put your shades on.
Roll up your pant leg.

Okay.

Better.

No it's not.

All right, let's make a pact.

If either one of us gets caught
by the teacher

we don't rat out the other.
Deal?

Deal.

Chris gave it to me.

Chris?

I'm so disappointed
in you.

I know that nicotine,

pork rinds
and malt liquor

are the black man's vices...

You forgot white women.

...but why infect Gregory?

Because I wanted
to be cool.

Now I just feel like a fool.

I don't know.

Well, I'm sorry, Chris,

but you're suspended.

When my parents found out, I
was finally going to be cool.

Cool as a corpse.

My father had worked
hard all day.

But my mother had been
to space.

You went to work
like that?

Don't you know you
could get fired?

What did your boss say?

So you say you
want a raise?

I got a raise.

You shouldn't
be wearing that.

Get rid of it.

Oh, I'll be happy
to get rid of it...

as long as you get rid
of that jacket.

I'm not getting rid
of my jacket.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine!

Not fine.

When you get suspended from
school, they call your parents.

So if the phone rang,
this could be my last meal.

So what's going on, Chris?

What you mean?

There's something
different about you.

Did you get
a haircut?

No.
Well, you look kind of cool.

What he thought was cool
was actually terror.

Mama, why are you
dressed like that?

Ask your father.

Daddy, why is Mama
dressed like that?

Maybe your mother doesn't know
the difference

between a perfectly
good coat

and a spacesuit.

Better be glad she doesn't
have a ray gun.

So, Chris, how was
your day at school?

It was all right.

Anything interesting happen?

No.
DREW:
You sure?

'Cause usually you talk
more about school.

Can't get you
to stop talking about it.

Nothing happened

at school, okay?

It was just like
any other day.

Any other bad day.

Why are you talking
to your brother like that?

He's just asking
you a question.

Yeah, Chris, calm down.

Drew, will you put that
thing down and eat your dinner?

Dad, I've almost got it.
I can't stop.

Either you eat your dinner
or do the cube.

What's it's going to be?

I'll take the cube.

I thought somehow I had dodged

the suspension bullet,

but actually it was just loaded
in a different gun.

Hey, Chris, wait up.

What's up?

Nothing. Just thought I should
tell you about my day.

What about it?
Oh, I just sat around
the house by myself,

answering phones,
taking messages.

Good for you.

Yeah, I talked
to Grandma,

Uncle Michael, the principal
from your school,

Daddy...

Never underestimate
the power of the Devil.

Wait a minute, did you say
the principal from my school?

Yeah, you know, they always call

when they suspend somebody from
school for having cigarettes.

Did they think you were Ma?

I don't know.
I just answered the phone

and they started talking.

You out three days... I guess
that's a total of $15.

What is?

Five dollars a day.

You know it's going to cost
to keep my mouth shut.

The price of being
cool was steep,

but it beat the price
of being beat.

Getting suspended from school
was hard,

but figuring out what I was
going to do

with my day was harder.

Hey, man, what are
you doing here?

I had nowhere else to go.

You're not still mad
at me, are you?

Yeah, actually, I am.

You ratted me out.

I'm torn about it, man.

Please, don't make me feel
any worse than I already am.

Why did you cave so fast?

My therapist says
I'm bad under pressure.

I'm just not cool.

No kidding.

Forget about it.
It's all right.

So what are you going
to do all day?
I don't know...

wander around till
it's time to go home.

Maybe I'll see
you at lunch.
(bell ringing)

Got to go.

Well, all right.

I was at the arcade, but I was
afraid if I went in

what happened to Greg
would happen to me.

Hey, it's Juicy Fruit.

(laughing)

Hey, want a smoke?

Look at Juicy Fruit.

Thanks, man.

What you up to?

Nothing. Just hanging.

What's the matter,
Juicy Fruit,

you get lost
on the way to school?

No, actually,
I got kicked out.

So did I.

So did I.

Actually,
we all did.

Except for Vinnie.
He never went.

Hey, come on in,
hang out for awhile.

Cool.

I might not smoke,
but right now I'm on fire.

You could do this
yourself, Julius.

Yeah, but every time I do,
I nick my head.

You know what's
going on?

You got a lot of bumps
back here, man.

Lot of lumps in the back
of your head, man.

My grandmother used to read
these things, man.

The configuration is telling me
you got a lot of tension.

Yeah, well, that's true.

Oh, got one coming
at 2:00.

In barbershops
across America

somebody's always on
the lookout for women.

No matter how they look.

Oh, man.

Look at that outfit.

Man, she looks a fool.

I wished my mama
looked like that.

I'd never
leave the house.

Here she come across
that street.

Come on, come on, get
a little closer, baby.

Uh-uh-uh! That is a
Cadillac walk right there.

Honky Cadillac.

Wait a minute...
Man, that's...

(all groaning)

Who? Hey, hey,
who is it?

No, don't worry
about it, man.

Where'd she go?

Hey, everybody.

Hey.
Hey.

Hey, baby, I was
just wondering

what you wanted
for dinner tonight?

Rochelle...

I guess I'm
interrupting something.

You know what?
I'll just make
you roast beef.

Bye, boys.

(mumbled farewells)

Man, you got problems.

You got that right.

The next day, I had no question
about where I was going.

Hey, Juicy Fruit,

you want some beer?

Nah, I only drink beer
with my dinner.

Maybe we should go get
something to eat later.

Maybe. So what we doing
for the rest of the day?

Just about time to go
pick up Vito.

You're gonna
love Vito.

Who's Vito?

He's a friend of ours.

He gets out today.

Out of what?

(laughing)

Come on, let's go.

You're cute,
Juicy Fruit.

You're not too bad-looking
yourself.

Trixie had her eye on me,

but somebody else
had their eye on us.

(shutter clicking)

GUARD:
This way, Vito.

All right, Vito--
see you again.

Later that day, I met Vito.

He was the guy these guys
looked up to.

He was also a convict.

Who's this?

He's Juicy Fruit.

Juicy Fruit?

What kind of name
is Juicy Fruit?

My real name is Chris.

Don't worry about it.
He's cool.

Yeah?

You cool, Juicy Fruit?

Yeah, I'm cool.

Not with that nickname.

We'll see about that
the day after tomorrow.

What happens the day
after tomorrow?

We're going to get the guys
who ratted on me.

We'd do it tomorrow, but I need
one day to get the guns.

And you're going to be
the lookout.

So you cool with
that, Juicy Fruit?

Mama!

ROCK:
Before I went ahead with
being a lookout,

I got a second opinion
from Doc.

And they want you to be
the lookout?

Yeah, I mean, I don't want
to do it,

but these kids like me and I've
come so far on my coolness.

And I'm just
the lookout.

I can't get in any real trouble.
Wrong.

You don't know nothing
about crime, do you?

You act as
a lookout,

while something
felonious occurs,

that makes you
an accessory.

Yeah, but I'll still
be cool, right?

Wrong again.

There are a lot of subheadings
to being an accessory.

You can be an accessory
before the fact.

You can be an accessory
after the fact.

Or you can be an accessory
during the fact.

In any event,

if you get caught,
you going to jail.

Doc spent three to five
as an accessory.

Do you know how embarrassed
I was when you walked in
there in that outfit?

I don't see why.

That was a perfectly good pair
of hot-pink fishnet stockings.

I don't see any sane reason
not to wear them.

Okay, you win.

I'll get rid of the coat.

You sure?

Now I don't want
to twist your arm.

That's a good coat.

Baby, you look like you're
about to ease on down the road.

Yeah, I'm sure.

When all else fails, quit.

Where's Drew?
Dinner's almost ready.

He's upstairs working
on that cube.

He's been messing
with it all day.

He is obsessed
with that thing.

What'd you do at
school today, Chris?

Oh, you know,
same old, same old.

TANYA:
My day was great.

We're learning
time tables.

Today we did fives.

Five times one is five,

and five times
two is ten,

and five times
three is 15.

And five times four is a brick
upside your head.

Sure, I could have
not shown up,

but then every time the
cool guys saw me at school,

they'd say, "Hey, there goes
the guy that's not cool."

All right,

you stand here.

If the cops come,
you blow this whistle.

Got it?

Yeah, but I don't really
think we should be here.

I was out where
the buses don't run.

I had lost touch
with the mothership.

I was someplace
where I didn't belong.

Chris, what are
you doing here?

Sweatin'.

I'm hanging with the
guys from the arcade.

The cool kids?

I don't know if
they're cool anymore.

What's going on?

I'm a lookout.

And if the cops come,

I'm supposed to blow
this whistle.

Dude, that makes you
an accessory

before, during
and after the fact.

I know.
I don't even want to be here.

But I'm kind of stuck.

You got to think
about this, Chris.

My uncle was a lookout
one time,

and he ended up getting
shot in the throat.

In the throat?

Yeah, he didn't die,

but he ended up
wearing a turtleneck

for the rest of his life.

I knew if I didn't blow
that whistle

I would never be
one of the cool kids.

In fact, the cool kids
might kill me.

But if being cool
meant going to prison,

that price was just too high.

So what are you
going to do?

I did what any nerd would do.

That day, Drew lost

his cool, too.
(groans)

What's wrong with you?

Take this thing
away from me.

It's evil.

I know.
I hate these things.

Yeah,
I never want to see it again.

Me neither.

So what kind of games
do you like to play?

I love Monopoly.

Really? Me, too.

Maybe we can get together
and play sometime.

Great.
Can I have your number?

I already wrote it down.

Even when Drew failed,
he succeeded.

Guys who do the Rufus Cube

end up with other guys
who do the Rufus Cube.

Drew ended up with a girl.

Who knew to solve
the Rufus Cube,

you either had to have
the mind of a genius

or the liver of Lindsey Lohan.

Finally my suspension was up,

and for once Tanya
didn't rat me out.

Have a good day
at school, Chris.

Thanks, Tanya.

No problem.

If you're wondering
why my cool friends

didn't come after me
and kill me--

it's because of what
happened to them.

Johnny Boy spent the rest
of his life in prison.

Trixie had
a tragic pole accident.

I'm gonna move
your leg.

Slow here...
(groans)

Vito lived a happy,
successful life

for the next four hours.

Then he was gunned down
by some other cool guys.

It seems cool, like beauty,

turned out to be
in the eye of the beholder.

This task force will not sleep
or be deterred

until the gang's leader
is apprehended.

For the purpose of this case,

we're calling him Mr. Cool,
aka... Juicy Fruit.

* Everybody Hates Chris. *