Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 12 - Everybody Hates Bad Boys - full transcript

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #050
"Everybody Hates Bad Boys"
CLOSED CAPTIONED

CHRIS ROCK:
After months
of being around Tasha,

we had become
really good friends.

"Wake Me Up
Before You Go-Go"?

What does that even mean?

The problem was: I didn't want
to be just a friend.

I wanted to get
out of the friend zone

and into the lover zone,

and the only way was
to swing for the fences.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.



Will you go with me?

Go where?

Strike one.

No, I mean, like,
go together.

We are together.

Strike two!

No, I mean, like,
you and me go out.

What?

Strike three and you're out!

Boy, you so crazy.

(scoffing):
Yeah, I'm so crazy.

Are you about to go home?

Yeah, to cry.

Yeah, I guess.



Since the direct approach
didn't work,

I wondered what would.

I thought about being romantic.

Chris, what are you doing?

These are for you.

Boy, you're so crazy.

I thought
about being chivalrous.

Allow me.

Boy, you so crazy.

Boy, is that
your good jacket?

No.

I even thought
about being brave.

Hey... why don't y'all
leave her alone?

* Somebody tell me...

CHRIS:
Oh, God!

(all yelling)

Boy, you so crazy!

No matter what I did,
she always said the same thing.

I'm glad we're friends.

That makes one of us.

I think you're, like, one
of the funniest people I know.

Thanks.

Friends don't let friends
die lonely.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

.

While I tried
to kick the Tasha blues,

my father came bearing news.
Hey.

Hey.
Hey.
Hey, everybody.

Hi, baby.
Hey.

I've got good news.

You finally kicked the gout?
No.

Chris isn't
your real son?
No.

Lionel Richie is back
with The Commodores?

No.

Did you trade Tonya
to the devil for cable?

No.

I am Employee of the Month.

Oh.
Oh.
Oh.

That's nice, baby.
That's great.

Aren't you going
to ask me what I got?

A raise?
No.

Well, what did you get?
Your regular pay

and a kick in the ass.

A coupon for a free dinner
for six at Domaine et Mer.

ALL:
Domain...

Mayor?
CHRIS:
The man is where?

Is that Russian?

DREW:
No, that's Spanish.

No, baby, it's French.

Ah, dinner for six,
that sounds nice.

But there's only five of us.

DREW:
Yeah.

Maybe we can
bring somebody.

Wait a minute now.

This sounds like a nice place.

We can't just bring anybody.

We thought
about bringing Vanessa.

I dated a French guy once.

I can't stand French food.

I mean,
hors d'oeuvres.

Who wants a piece of liver
on a toothpick?

You got any chimichangas?

We thought about Jerome.

Uh...

excuse me,
garçon.

Can we get
some more silverware?

I just put some out.

(chuckling):
I don't know
what happened to it.

We even thought about Mr. Omar.

Oh, my God!

He's choking!

Help him!

Hold on!

There's nothing we can do.

But he's still choking.

Not anymore.

Tragic.

Uh-uh.

You know what?

We need to bring
somebody classy.

Let me think about it.

I was still hoping to make
some progress with Tasha,

but Greg was convinced
all hope was lost.

Dude, once a friend,
always a friend.

It's the
Westermarck effect.

West what?

Edward Westermarck.

He was a scientist.

He concluded that
when two people live together

in close proximity
during the early years of life,

they will never become
boyfriend and girlfriend.

That means I still have
a chance with Shakira.

There's got to be some
way for her to see me

as more than just a friend.

What kind of boys
does she like?

I don't know.

Well, maybe you should ask
some other girls.

You'll get some ideas.

When you ask girls
what they like,

I found out you learn two
things: everything and nothing.

So what type of guys
do you like?

I like dumb guys.

I like tall guys.

I like girls.

Not interesting now,
but it will be later.

Free spirits.

Nice guys.
Bad boys.

ALL:
Rich.

Thanks.

I thought that was bad.

Then I found out
I wasn't the only guy

that didn't know anything
about women.

Girls like it
when you give them compliments.

Hey, baby,

I'm no Fred Flintstone,
but I can make your Bedrock.

Shut up, idiot.

I wasn't even talking to her.

Hey, baby, what you doing?

Julius, I'm gonna need
a few extra dollars this week.

For what?

Well, we can't go
to a nice restaurant

looking like
"Who let you in?"

I'm gonna need
a new dress.

The boys need haircuts.

And I need a new pair
of shoes.

So does Tonya.

I saw
these fake eyelashes...

There's this really nice shawl
that goes with the dress.

Pantyhose.
Only my mother could make
a free dinner expensive.

After getting every answer
under the sun,

I figured the only way
to find out

what Tasha liked
was to ask Tasha.

Tag.

You need to borrow
some detergent?

No, it's okay.

My grandma's ticky.

If I get the wrong soap,

she says it's going
to make her butt itch.

Do you have any quarters?

Yeah.

You know, I didn't expect
to see you here today.

I always do laundry
on Wednesdays.

I told you that.

Oh, yeah, I must
have forgot.

Don't you just hate
doing laundry?

Yeah.

But, you know,
I guess it'd be kind of cool

if you had a boyfriend
to do it for you.

No.

What kind of man does
a woman's laundry?

Strike one!

Yeah, no, that
wouldn't be cool.

I-I wouldn't do that.

I'd be like, "Woman, you
better do my laundry."

And I guess you want her

barefoot and pregnant,
too, huh?

Strike two!

Nah.

I was just kidding.

All right,
don't mess this one up.

So if you could go out with any
type of guy, who would you pick?

I know this is going
to sound funny, but...

I'd go with Slaver Slav.

Who?

Slaver Slav is
the preeminent bad boy of rap,

the top recording act
at Setback Records.

He is responsible
for the hit album

I'm Smacking
and Stabbing Somebody.

At the tender age of 16,

Slaver Slav was released
from prison

after serving 17 years
for aggravated battery.

This is Slaver Slav's first mug
shot, but it wasn't his last.

He released his first single

"Put Me in Jail Again and
I'll Smack the Stank Off You"

about a month later.

The rest is history.

Slaver Slav?

Why?

He's a bad boy.

I mean, you never know
what he's going to do next.

Yeah, stab you or shoot you.

All the girls like him.

Now if I could just get locked
up, I could finally get lucky.

Wait,
that didn't come out right.

Hey, man, I've been
looking for you.
What's up?

I've got every tape and
article on Slaver Slav.
My wigga!

All you have to do is
study him, learn him, be him.

Thanks.
No problem.

(record scratching)

Watching Slaver Slav,

I learned the most important
thing about being a bad boy.

When it comes to girls,
the meaner the better,

and whatever you do,
don't be nice.

* Girls be talking
about what they like *

* I don't care

* 'Cause I ain't nice

* I talked to you once,
don't call me twice *

* Kiss my ass, girl,
I ain't nice *

* I got no manners,
I wear bandannas *

* Word on the street
is I'm bananas *

* I got a lot of money,
I'm cold as ice *

* So get out my face,
ho, I ain't nice *

* I ain't nice, I ain't nice

* Ha, ha, Slaver Slav!

(girls panting)

That girl on the left
eventually had a baby

with Ghostface Killah.

Chris, I hear your father
got Employee of the Month

down at the paper.

Yeah.

They still giving out
their free dinners?

Uh-huh.

Subtlety was not
Doc's strong suit.

Uh, that's usually
for six people, right?

Uh-huh, I'm thinking
about asking Tasha to go.

Oh, Tasha.

'Cause she looks better
in a dress.

Slaver Slav.

The bad boy
of rap.

You know him?

Yeah, he broke up
with my best buddy's niece.

That boy is bad.

He treated her like nothing,
and she still loved him.

See, that's what
I don't get.

I don't understand why girls
like you to treat them bad.

Chris, women are crazy.

They think just
because they get a bad boy,

they'll be so special
that they'll be the only ones

to make him treat
a girl nice.

It's just like trying
to climb Mount Everest.

Every now and then,
somebody does it,

but they usually end up
in a snow cave,

chewing on their own leg.

Analogies were not
Doc's strong suit either.

Are we still
talking about girls?

Chris, all I'm trying to say
is Slaver Slav figured it out.

If you want a girl
to go crazy over you,

be like Mount Everest.

Be difficult.

Try to get to her
to eat her own leg off.

And whatever you do,
don't be nice.

And again I say there's
a reason why Doc lives alone.

I was a bad boy years before
Martin Lawrence and Will Smith.

Hey, Chris.

Do I know you?

You don't remember me?
Do I look like I remember you?

I'm Yolanda.

Yolanda?
No. Sonia.

Why you acting
all funny?

Look, I'm just trying to read.
Why don't you go do something?

I just wanted to talk
to you for a minute. Dag!

Did you come here

to buy something
or just get on my nerves?

How come every time I come in
here, you always playing me off?

What's your name again?
It's Carla.

Does your head just do that,
or is that a nervous condition?

You ain't got to talk
about nobody.

What's up with that hat?
You don't like it?

If it's covering up a bald spot,
it's fine.

It's much better than your hair.

What's wrong
with my hair?

What's not wrong with your hair?

Call me.

Call me.

Call me.

* If we talked,
what words could I describe... *

I didn't know
if this would work on Tasha,

or if she had too much
self-esteem.

Hey, Chris.

What?

I said hi.
What's wrong with you?

Why does something got
to be wrong with me?

Maybe you just didn't say hi
loud enough.

Forget it.

Damn!

Why did I listen to an old fool
that lives alone?

Did I do something to you?

No, but I wish you would.

Girl, ain't nobody
thinking about you.

Okay.

Except me.

* Cold-blooded,
the way you walk *

Are you going to the bus stop?

Yeah. Why?

Do you want me
to walk with you?

I don't care.

* Sexy *

* Mama, you're too cold for me

(laughs)
You're trippin'.

And you're falling for it.

* Who are you...

I heard your father made
Employee of the Month.

Who told you that?

Tonya.

Oh. (scoffs)

The girl talk too much.

That's true.

You didn't want
me to know?

Nah, it's just that
she be running her mouth.

I got this free dinner

at this place where
Slaver Slav eats-- place called

Domaine et Mer.

He might be ignorant,
but he loves good food.

Slaver Slav? Wow.

Yeah. My mom wants
to invite one more person.

I'm, like,
"Yo, Mom, bus' it.

Why we got
to take one more person?"

There's more food for us.

I wish I could go.

He says the food
is incredible.

Yeah, well,
that's what we gonna do.

If you want to come,
then come on.

Are you asking me to go?

I ain't asking you twice.

Thanks.

(bat strikes ball)

MAN (on TV):
It's a home run!

And that ball is out of here.

Hey, Ma.

Hey, sweetie.

Found somebody
to go to dinner with us.

Oh, that's okay, baby.

I decided to
take Michael.

Uncle Michael's
coming?
Yeah, man.

I heard
French food

real good!

(speaking French)
That's French.

I've been studying,
'cause I'm ready to go.

Ooh, la, la. I can't wait.

And I can't wait for you
to choke on that spaghetti.

CHRIS ROCK:
Trying to take a free meal
away from my uncle Michael

was like trying to take a bone
away from a pit bull.

Let me get this straight.

You want me to give up
a free dinner for a girl?

Michael, please.
I already invited her.

I've been trying to get with her
for I don't know how long.

If I blow this, probably
won't get another chance.

I don't know.

What do I get out of it?

What do you want?

The one thing my uncle loved

more than a free meal
was a bunch of free meals.

All it took was
a shrimp basket...

What's up?
What's up?

Mmm! Later.
Later.

...and a slopper.

Hmm. What's up?
What's up?

Mmm. Later.

Later.

What's all this?

Well, I just thought

that since we're going
to a nice restaurant,

we need to brush up
on our manners.

I don't want y'all in there
embarrassing me.

For a free meal, I don't care

if y'all showed up
butt-naked with socks on.

If we were butt-naked,
we wouldn't have socks on,

would we?

We're not even there yet,
and I'm already

embarrassed.
What's going on?

Mom is trying to teach us
manners before we go out.

Manners? Who's going to teach us
how to use all these forks?

I'm getting to that.
Where's Michael?

He's the one needs
to learn some manners.

Oh, yeah, Uncle Michael
stopped by earlier.

He can't make it to dinner.

Oh, well, I don't know
who else to invite.

How about Tasha?
ALL:
Tasha?

Do I have to buy everybody
shrimp and sloppers?

Is that okay with you, baby?

Sounds like
a good idea.
Oh, good.

Translation:
she eats like a white girl.

My father was really excited,
but he was about to find out

that his free dinner
had a high price.

(clears throat)
Good evening, sir.

May I help you?

Yes. We have a
reservation for six.

Um, it was made
by the newspaper.

I'm the Employee
of the Month.

That look means,
"Oh, great, poor people."

Employee of the Month,

party of six.

I don't have anything available
right now,

but if you have a seat,
I'll be right with you.

Never trust a black man
who speaks French.

Hi. Banks party
for six, 8:00 p.m.?

Bonsoir, Mr. Banks.

Right this way.

Ah, good.
Come on, gang.

Oui, oui.

Oui, oui really means
white, white.

Bon appétit!

Thank you.

She's about to smack
the duck liver out of him.

(clears throat)

May I help you?

I thought you said you didn't
have anything available.

We don't.

But you had something available
for them.

They are... how do I put this?

They are paying.

They're white.

Oh, hold on.
We're paying.

No, you're not.

You're not white!

We provide the newspaper

with one complimentary table
a month.

The provide us
with a reduced ad rate.

So you're not paying.

Now, if you check your coupon...

You do have your coupon,
don't you?

Does he know
who he's talking to?

It says right here
that promotional seating

is subject to the manager's
discretion.

I am the manager;
it's my discretion.

So are you telling us
that we can't sit down?

(laughs)

You-You can sit down.

(laughs)
Just can't sit
at the same table.

What?

This is so nice.

I wonder what
Slaver Slav would order.

Bet it be cheap.

And fried.

Nothing's cooler than
lighting a match for no reason.

Do you think the kids
will be okay, baby?

They'll be fine.

Meanwhile, back at
the Diff'rent Strokes table...

This is so cool.

Thanks for letting us
sit with you guys.

No problem at all.

You're our guests,

so feel free
to order anything you want.

For real?

For real.

(laughs)

Meanwhile, I had started acting
like a bad boy for Tasha,

but ended up being a jerk
to everybody.

Can I take your order?

Bus' it.
We get some French fries?

We don't have French fries.

Y'all call yourself
a French restaurant.

All right, what y'all got?

Uh, have you had a chance
to look at the menu?

Nah.

Y'all got some fish?

We have several types.

All right, well,
fry some of that up for me,

get us some drinks,
some salad with French dressing

some of them escargots,

some French onion soup,
some French toast,

and for dessert,
some French vanilla ice cream.

Anything else?

Y'all got French mustard?

I'll check.

Check on then.

(French instrumental
music playing)

You want one?

Excuse me?

That's the French version
of black-on-black crime?

(sighs)

So, what are you
having, baby?

I'm about to have a fit.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

May I help you?

Do you see us sitting here?

I'm not understanding
the question.

Look, man, we just want to have
our dinner and get out of here.

Could you please take our order?

Yes. What would you like?

Oh, yes. Okay, um, I was
looking at this item

right here.
Excuse me.

See that.

Is there something wrong?

Yes. They gave you
the wrong menus.

These

are the Employee
of the Month menus.

What?

There's only
three things on here.

Yes, and we're out
of the chicken.

What?

Take your time.

But I wanted the chicken.

Wow.

I've never had
coq au vin before.

You two have such
great manners.

Your mother must be very proud.

Well, she said
if we didn't act right,

she'd slap the caviar out of us.

Oh.

Béarnaise, anyone?

I don't think you're supposed
to have your feet on the table.

Ain't nobody ask you.

(sighs)
Young man, I'm going
to have to ask you

to take your feet off the table.

What if I don't feel like it?

Then I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.

What if I don't feel
like doing that either?

You're with the Employee
of the Month, aren't you?

What is going on over there?

Is that Chris?

What?

* Everybody plays the fool
sometime *

* There's no exception
to the rule *

* Listen, baby

* It may be factual,
may be cruel *

* I ain't lying

* Everybody plays a fool...

Chris!

What?!

(heartbeat thumping)

(rhythmic beeping,
air whooshing)

ROCHELLE:
Hey, baby.

Ma?

How's everything going
in here?

Oh, Doctor,
is he going to be okay?

Well, I think we'll be able
to get it out,

but you won't be able
to wear that shoe again.

Hang in there, big guy.

WOMAN (over intercom):
Any available IC nurse, 609.

Any available...

How you feeling, sweetie?

Not too good.

(sighs):
Well, why were you
acting like that?

Just trying to
impress Tasha.

By acting like an idiot?

No. She said she liked bad boys,
like Slaver Slav.

Trying to act like him.

Without the money.

Baby, you can only be
who you are.

If she doesn't want you,
then you don't want her.

That day I learned the most
important lesson in life:

be yourself,
or get a pump in your ass.

Mommy's gonna get you
some ice chips, okay?

Better get a shoehorn, too.

Dr. Anthony to the...

Hi, sweetie.
Hi.

(rhythmic beeping)

Hey, Chris.

Tasha?

Yeah. Are you okay?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

I just wanted to apologize
for acting like such an idiot.

Forgive me?

Yeah, it's okay.

That's what friends are for.

Thanks, Dionne Warwick.

Is this your x-ray?

Yeah.

(laughs):
Boy, you so crazy.

Crazy like a boy
with a shoe up his butt.

(sobbing)

* Everybody hates Chris.