Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 9 - Everybody Hates Superstition - full transcript

(ringing)

CHRIS ROCK:
As a kid, I wasn't
superstitious,

but everybody in my family was.

If my mother spilled salt,

she would always
throw some over her shoulder

for good luck.

No!

(clattering)

That's nine cents' worth
of salt.

Drew wouldn't walk under
a ladder, no matter what.

Sonny! Help me!



I've fallen and I can't get up!

You want me to help you,
you're going to have to crawl

from underneath
this ladder first.

And Tonya believed that,
if she stepped on a crack,

she'd break my mother's back.

No!

(bones snapping)
Oh! Oh!

(groaning)

I wasn't superstitious,
but I did believe in bad luck.

(Madonna's "Lucky Star" plays)

Mom, I need some socks.

Julius, give Chris a pair
of your socks, please.

* You must be my lucky star

* 'Cause you make the darkness
seem so far *



These the only pair
of socks you got?

Yeah.

Besides,
those are my lucky socks.

I was wearing
those socks

the night
I met your mother.

Girl, he's cute,
but look at those socks!

(disco music playing)

I didn't think
my father's lucky socks

would make a difference.

Hey, lil' dude
from across the street!

I just hit the numbers.

Want to hold a dollar?

Yeah. Thanks.

That's all you.

They not only
made a difference,

they made a dollar.

* Ohh... make it funky now!

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I believed in good luck.

I just never believed
it could happen to me.

Man, I'm sorry.
I forgot my bus pass.

It's all right, man. I know you.

For real? Thanks.

On the second bus,
I got even luckier.

Hi. I'm Darlene.
What's your name?

I'm Chris.

That's one of my
favorite names.

That's not even
my favorite name.

I was even getting lucky
at school.

Take that,
Mr. Miyagi!

Oh. Hey, Chris.

Want to smack this kid?

No, I'm okay.

This kid needs a pair
of lucky socks and a gun.

Things were going so good,
I almost felt white.

Chris, I bought you something.

It's a copy
of Roots 4: Kunta's Revenge.

It's not even out yet.

Thanks.

Roots 4 was good,

but my favorite was Roots 6:
Hitler Strikes Back.

Even though we were poor,

it didn't stop us
from asking for stuff.

Mama, can I have pink carpet
in my bedroom?

Pink carpet?
What you need pink carpet for?

Well, because Billy Ocean
has pink carpet in his bedroom.

Along with a baby giraffe,
a disco ball and three midgets.

Well, as soon
as you get a hit record,

you can have
any color carpet you want.

But, just because
we asked for stuff,

it didn't mean we'd get it.

(tunelessly):
* Candy girl,
you are my world... *

Holy Ralph Tresvant!

* You're so sweet...

Hey, man,
what you doing?

Just getting ready
for the school talent show.

Oh, I'm going to need a suit.
You gonna make some money
in that talent show?

What you need
a new suit for?

So I can pop my collar up
while I'm performing.

You know how much
a new suit costs?

I'm not going to
spend money on a suit

just so you can
break the collar.

You want to
pop something,

pop open a pen,
and fill out a
job application.

Then you can buy all
the suits you want.

Some guys have all the luck,
and today that guy was me.

Chris, how was
your day, baby?

It was strange.

It was, like, one
of the greatest days of my life.

Why? What happened?

Nothing.

Nobody beat you up?

Nope.

Nobody rapped you?

Nope.

Well, how was school?

It was good. I got a "B"
on my math quiz.

Oh...
Starting to think these
socks really are lucky.

Okay, well,
Mr. Lucky Socks,
go wash your hands.

Dinner's ready.

What are we having?

My favorite meal was meat loaf,

mashed potatoes
and peach cobbler.

Meat loaf,
mashed potatoes
and peach cobbler.

What's wrong with you?

I asked Mama for pink carpet,
and she said no.

Why did you ask her?

You know Dad's the one
that spoils you.

You think
he'd give me pink carpet?

Yeah. He never says no to you.

But I asked him for a suit,
and he said no.

You asked
him already?
Yeah.

You should have asked Mama.

You know she don't
like looking raggedy.

That was the moment
Drew discovered

the oldest parent trick
in the book.

When one parent says no,
just ask the other one.

You know what? I got an idea.

The next day,
my socks were still holding up,

and so was my luck.

Look, there's no such
thing as lucky socks.

That's like believing
in four-leaf clovers,

shooting stars
or Michael Landon.

Well, how do
you explain all
this lucky stuff

that's been
happening to me?
It's probability.

It's just the number of times
an event can happen

divided by the total number
of possible outcomes.

Hi, Chris.

If they were miracle socks,
I would have had a shot,

but they were
only lucky socks,

so I just got a smile.

I don't care what you
say-- the socks work.

If O.J. Simpson
had been wearing these socks,

he'd be covering
football games now.

Okay, don't forget to study
for your history test on Monday.

It'll be on people in history

who have achieved their goals
against all odds.

So, you want to study
after school?

I don't need to study.

I got my lucky socks.

Drew's plan was simple:

Act like this
was the first time

they had asked
for what they wanted.

Like the no's never happened.

Hey, Daddy.
Hey.

Can I get pink
carpet for my room?

What do you need carpet for?

Because Billy Ocean
has pink carpet,
and you know how much

I love Billy Ocean.

I'll tell you what.

We'll go look for some
pink carpet tomorrow.

Thank you, Daddy.

One down, one to go.

Hey, Mom, can I get
a new suit for the
school talent show?

Not unless your talent
is wearing a suit.

But I'm performing "Candy
Girl", by New Edition,

and the whole school
is going to be there.

Drew could do a lot of things,

but my mother knew
singing wasn't one of them.

Oh, well, that..
That... that's nice, baby.

So can I get a new suit?

I don't want
to look raggedy.

Raggedy? Oh, my baby
is not going to look raggedy.

When I finish this,
we'll go shopping.

Okay. Thanks, Mom.

You're welcome, baby.

(mutters):
Singing...

That night,
even my dreams were lucky.

(suspenseful music plays)

(screaming)

Whoa! Calm down! Calm down.

You scared the heck out of me.

Listen,
I'm just looking for the woods.

Wait.
You're not going to kill me?

Why would I do that?

Okay, you go downstairs,
make a left.

Go down the corner,
make another left,

and there should be a park
about a mile away.

Thanks. Hey, by the way,
you know the date?

Thursday the 12th.

Thanks.

Later, I had one of those
dreams where I was falling

and Jennifer Beals caught me.

(groans)

Where are my lucky socks?
Who took my lucky socks?

Wasn't me.

Those socks were stinking
up this whole room.

I got them
things out of here.

You're lucky you
didn't die from the smell.

Ugh!

Hey, that was lucky funk!

After my mother got rid of
my socks,

I imagined whoever was
wearing them

was having a lot
better luck than me.

* Let the good times roll

(screams and gasps)

* Let the good times roll

We are all out of soup.

Ohh...

You got any whiskey?

This is your lucky day.

Sure glad y'all ran out of food.

(slurping)

(smacks lips)

My husband just died
of a heart attack!

Tragic!

Well, since he's dead,
want to go out to dinner?

I could eat.

* Let the good times roll
Without my lucky socks,

I probably should have studied
for that test.

But that seemed a lot harder
than finding more luck.

How much for just the foot?

* Let the good times roll...

What the hell makes you think
I'm a leprechaun?

Let me go! No!

(sobbing):
Oh, Louise! I'm sorry!

Hey, man, can I have one of
these horseshoes?

(sobs)

Tonya and Drew thought
they had pulled it off.

Then the "it" hit the fan.

Tonya, why are you
moving furniture?

Because Daddy's giving me
pink carpet.

Julius!

*

Drew.

Where'd you get
that suit?

The Peach Suit Warehouse.
Mama bought it for me.

That's $63.72 worth of suit.

Rochelle!

I told Tonya she couldn't
have pink carpet.

Why would you say yes
when I said no?

I didn't know
she asked you first.

But what I want to know is, why

you spent money
on a suit for Drew
after I told him no?

Well, if you had asked me, I
would have told you it was okay.

Wait a minute.

So when you say
something's okay,
it's okay,

but when I say something's
okay, it's not?!

Sure.

What kind of sense
does that make?

It makes
perfect sense.

And besides, I am not going
to have my baby on stage

looking like
he can't sing.

Well, I'm not going to have
my baby walking around

acting like she can't have
pink carpet on the floor.

ROCHELLE:
You know what? Fine.

Fine.
Fine.

Ain't nobody
worried about you.
Ain't worried about you either.

Drew's plan was still working.

My parents were so busy
fighting each other

they forgot Tonya and Drew
should be the ones in trouble.

It's too bad they didn't
hear the rest

of that conversation.

Wait, wait, wait a minute,

Julius.

I think we just been had.

What are you talking about?

Your kids just played us
against each other.

Ain't this about a...

Before you get mad,

let's think about
this for a minute.

So whenever they ask
us for something,

let's come up
with a system.

What kind of system?

This was their system.

Daddy, can I have a popsicle?

Go ask your mother.

Hey, Dad, can I have a dollar?

Go ask your mother.

Dad, can I go to the hospital?

Go ask your mother.

Okay?

Okay.

That's my baby.

Without my lucky socks

I knew any chance
of me doing good

on that test was history.

Hey, man,

what's the matter?

I lost your lucky socks.

Chris...

those socks aren't lucky.

If they were lucky,
I'd still have my hair,

I would have hit the number

and I wouldn't still be wearing
a pair of socks

I had when I met your mother.

But I have a lot
of big stuff going on
in school tomorrow.

I need those socks.

Chris... you need to make
your own luck in this world.

Success comes from opportunity
and preparation.

And being white.

Do you think it was luck
when Rocky beat Mr. T?

Do you think the Ghostbusters
were lucky

when they saved New York from
the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man?

Do you think Godzilla was lucky

when he beat Ghidrah
the three-headed monster?

I don't know.

I guess not.

That's right.

Chris, the only thing lucky
about those socks

is that I couldn't find
the matching pants.

Now go find your own luck.

You don't need
those socks.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Talking to my father
always made me feel better.

And maybe he was right.

Maybe it wasn't
the socks after all.

Wrong.

Looks kind of crooked.

That's better.

Love it.

That's my girl.
Come here.

Look, Tonya, next time
me or your mother say no,

we mean no, got it?

Yes, Daddy.

Good.

Meanwhile, my mother had
another way

of getting her point across.

The next time you ask
me to do something

after your father
told you no,

I'm going to pop
the pores off your
face, do you understand me?

Yes, ma'am.

As for me, I was still as lucky
as a three-leaf clover.

Hey, man, I forgot
my bus pass again.

Can I just go ahead?

Yeah, you can just go ahead.

You can just go ahead and jog
alongside the bus.

Go on, go on.

Kids.

On the second bus,
my luck got worse.

Hi, Darlene.

Who are you?

I'm... Chris. Remember?

You said you
liked my name.

I really don't care.

Who the hell do you
think you are?

Just because somebody
sits down, doesn't mean

you have to start
talking to them.

Do I look like
I want to talk?

And what the hell kind
of name is Chris anyway?

What you need to do,
is you need to sit down,

shut up and ride the bus
to wherever you got to go.

And back at school...

(boys shouting)

I hope everyone is prepared
for today's history quiz.

And, Chris, I hope you weren't
too busy taking care

of all of your half-brothers
and sisters

to study.

What's wrong?

I didn't study and I lost
my lucky socks.

Dude, you're toast.

No, I'm not.

Toast would get a better grade
on this quiz.

But today we're going to do
something a little differently.

Instead of a written exam,
it's going to be an oral exam.

Chris...

you're so very
well-spoken.

Why don't you go first?

Come up here
in front of the class.

I didn't have my lucky socks,

and now I needed a new pair
of lucky underwear.

Well, what did you want me
to talk about?

I want you to talk about
people in history

who have achieved their goals

against all odds.

Do you know what
goals are, Chris?

Yeah.

I had no idea what to say.

Without my lucky socks
and without studying

I was in big, big trouble.

Um, many people think
that when you succeed

against all odds...
it's by luck.

Well, I don't
believe in luck.

At least not anymore.

(clearing throat)

I mean, was... was it lucky...
was it lucky when...

when Rocky beat Mr. T?

No, he prepared for it.

He prepared by beating
Apollo Creed.

So now who

pities the fool?

Was it lucky when
Indiana Jones

saved those kids
from the Temple of Doom?

No,

he prepared.

He prepared by saving the world
in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

I mean, if you could save
the whole world,

it's not going to be too hard
to save a couple of kids.

Was it lucky when King Kong
defeated those planes?

No, 'cause he didn't defeat
the planes.

They shot his behind clear off
the Empire State Building.

Now if King Kong had spent
some time

learning how to fight
some planes

instead of chasing
a little white girl around,

he would be alive
to this very day.

Many people believe that you
can succeed against all odds.

I don't believe that.

I believe the odds are,
that if you don't prepare,

you won't succeed.

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

It turns out I didn't need
lucky socks.

All I needed
was to listen to my father.

(classical music playing)

The Lord had answered
my prayers,

and my mother was praying
he would answer hers.

TEACHER:
That was lovely,
Christina.

Okay, our next
performer

is someone who is

very popular here
at Dolemite Elementary.

First there was Cher,

then there was Madonna, Sting,
and Rockwell...

Ladies and gentlemen,
I bring you Drew!

Oh, that's my boy!
That's my baby!

Yeah!
That's my baby.

JULIUS:
Oh, you look good.
Look at my boy!

Look at the little girls.

(New Edition's
"Candy Girl" plays)

Drew couldn't sing, but he
lip-synched like an angel.

* Candy girl

* All I want to say

* When you're with me
you brighten up my day *

Ma, look, he's lip-synching.

I know, isn't it great?
Thank God.

* When I'm with you,
you make me feel so good *

* Through and through

* The way you walk
Go ahead, girl, you can go
up there, too.

* And the way you talk

* You always look so good

That's my baby!

Man, this kid
is incredible.

Even before video

Drew learned the secret
to being a good singer

is to not sing at all.

* Candy girl...

Goodness. Oh, Drew,
you were great.

You looked great,
you danced great

and your lip-synching--
oh, thank goodness.

I mean, you were really
incredible, baby.

You didn't think I was
going to sing, did you?

Mama, I can't sing.

We know.

Hush, Tonya.

Now go on upstairs
and take off that suit.

And hang it up
if it's not too smelly.

Hey, man, how'd it go
without the socks today?

Well, everything is back
to being as bad as usual.

But I did get an "A"
on my history test.
"A"?

That's great.

I'm proud of you.

Well, I did have a
pretty good teacher.

Here, boy, here's
your socks.

I thought you said
you got rid of them.

I just wanted to clean them.

You going
to put them on?

No, I don't think so.

I don't need them anymore.

Here.

Well, I guess I could keep them
for just a little while longer.

You know, just in case.

Yeah,
just in case.

Yeah, just in case the circus
comes back in town.

I wasn't prepared to spend
the rest of my life

at the mercy of a pair
of socks.

Any luck
from this point forward,

I would make on my own.

(groans)

Ow.

* Everybody hates Chris.