Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 8 - Everybody Hates Thanksgiving - full transcript

CHRIS ROCK:
When I was a kid, Thanksgiving
was my favorite holiday.

All you had to do was eat...

Chris, pass the
macaroni and cheese.

...and sleep.

Everybody in my family
loved Thanksgiving,

except my mother,

because to her
it was just more work.

(snoring)

But this year was going
to be different.

All right, guys,
family conference.

I just want to
let y'all know



that if you think all you're
going to do this Thanksgiving

is sit around and eat and sleep,

you got another
think coming.

Uncle Louis
is coming over

and I'm not doing
all the work by myself.

What do we have to do?

I want everybody to make a dish.

I'll make the rolls.

I can make the cranberry sauce.

Which means she can open up
a can and dump it in a bowl.

Chris, I want you to make
the mac and cheese.

I don't know how to make
mac and cheese.

And I don't want to be
the one to mess it up.

I like living here.



Next to turkey,
the most important dish

at our Thanksgiving dinner
was the macaroni and cheese.

Making good mac and cheese
wasn't cooking, it was science.

This year's Nobel prize
nominees are...

Dr. Wan, for the cure
to cancer...

Dr. Stravinsky, for the
discovery of the missing link...

and Chris, for some
good-ass macaroni and cheese.

And the winner is...

Chris!

(cheering)

That's okay, baby.
You'll do fine.

All you got to do
is follow the recipe.

Sounds to me like
a recipe for disaster.

Captioning sponsored by CBS
PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

* Oh... make it funky now!

Rochelle...

Where've you been?

At the grocery store.

Oh.

Foxy Brown sugar...

Telly Savalas eggs...

Dr. J stuffing...

Chuck Berry cranberry sauce?!

And a Larry Bird turkey.

That won't even fit
into our oven.

These are name brands.
What's going on?

Nothing. Why?

Is this because
your brother's coming?

My Uncle Louis was
a successful chiropractor.

Since he was younger,

my father always felt like
he had to outdo him.

I'll have a beer.

And you?
I'll have a red wine.

I'll have a red wine, too.

A large.

Man, you wouldn't believe
the stress I'm under at work.

I just got
15 new patients.

Man, I got so much
stress at work,

they had to hire another
guy to help me worry.

I got her for
$150 below sticker.

Really?
Yeah.

Oh, wow.

I got my whole car
for below $150.

There's $98.47
worth of groceries.

That's usually what he says.

Rochelle, we have
family coming over.

I can't have them thinking
we can't afford nice things.

That's usually what she says.

Baby, why do you feel like
you have to compete with Louis?

This has nothing to do
with Louis.

I just want to have
a good dinner.

Class...

I've decided to give you
a holiday homework assignment.

Damn.

Yes, Chris?
But it's a holiday.

And a very special one, Chris.

So for your assignment,

I want you to talk
to family and friends,

and then write an essay

on what you're thankful for
this Thanksgiving.

I used to be thankful
for no homework.

(blows whistle)

Everybody, up, up, up, up, up!

Get up!
What?
What happened?

Time to cook.

Do we have to do it now?

Yeah, I'm tired.
Me, too.

Only ten hours
'till turkey time.

It's one second to what-the-
hell-is-wrong-with-you time.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Look, I need
everybody's help.

If we're gonna do this,
we're gonna do this right.

Because my father really wanted
to impress his brother,

my dad was cooking like
a quarterback running plays.

Okay, Chris, while the macaroni
is boiling on the front burner

and you're grating the cheese
on the chopping board,

Tonya, I need you to break right
into the dining room

and prep the cranberry sauce.

Now while the sauce is jiggling,

Tonya and Drew, I need you
to cover setting the table,

while I scrimmage to prepare
the rest of the meal.

Now, Drew, I need you
to cut across

back into the kitchen,
bake the rolls,

and get them back to the table
in 15 minutes.

On three.

One, two, three...

Grease!

What?

Nothing.

Looks like you got it
all handled.

I think I'm gonna go upstairs.

But I need your help.
No...

because if something goes wrong,

I don't want you blaming me.

He's blaming her right now.

While we got ready
for Thanksgiving,

Mr. Omar came by
for thanks-taking.

Hi, Ms. Rochelle.

Can I could borrow
a cup of flour?

Oh, sure, no problem.

(knocking on door)

Can I borrow
a cup of gravy?

(knocking on door)

Can I borrow a cup?

Mr. Omar, why don't you
just come over

for Thanksgiving dinner?

I thought you'd never ask.

See you later.

Meanwhile, my Dad
was still cooking like

a quarterback running plays.

Hey, Chris, no, no, no.
Long, smooth strokes.

Don't beat it.

Did you butter the tops?

No.
Well, then it's not ready
to go in the oven yet.

Here, put the
butter on, gently.

No, no, no, put that
in a glass bowl.

But last year, we used
the plastic bowl.

Last year, my brother
wasn't coming.

What's the difference?

The difference is,

last year my brother
wasn't coming.

Now put that in
a glass bowl. Please?

Dad, what are you
doing to that turkey?

That turkey's about to ask
for a happy ending.

My mother always said
if you massage the turkey,

then the meat
will be more tender.

Don't put too much
pepper on that.

Got it.

Hey, Dad, can we
take a break?

Did Martin Luther King, Jr.
take a break?

Did Moses
take a break?

Did Gandhi take a break?

He took a break from eating.

That looks pretty good, Chris.
Thanks, Dad.

Remember, two hours.
I got to put the turkey in next.

My mac and cheese
looked so good

Gandhi would've
snuck himself a plate.

While my father
was in the kitchen,

my mother had
something cooking.

Yeah, come on
over, Vanessa.

Uh-huh, Julius
is cooking.

His mother's
recipes, child.

No, it's always
room for one more.

Okay, see you later.

What are you doing?

Well, you always invite people
over when I cook,

so I figured I'll invite
a few people over

since you're cooking.

Fine.

I'm going to take a quick nap.

Can you wake me up,
so I can put the turkey in

when Chris takes
the macaroni out?

All right, baby.

Thank you, babe.

Since we got up so early,

it was the first
Thanksgiving in history

where people took a nap
before the turkey.

Of course she didn't
fall asleep on purpose,

but that didn't matter
to the oven.

(sniffing)

Oh, no.

(sizzling)

Oh, no!

No!

(sizzling)

That's not macaroni and cheese,

that's blackaroni and cheese.

That mac and cheese looked
how my father felt.

That's your mother's recipe?

How come you didn't wake me up?

Because you woke me up
at 5:00 in the morning.

What are you going to do
about this mac and cheese?

I sent Chris down to
Doc's to get some more.

You sent Chris to look
for macaroni and cheese

on Thanksgiving?

That's like trying to find
candles on Hanukkah.

Well, don't worry about it.

Look, I'll start the turkey
and finish the cobbler.

Well, where are you going
to cook the mac and cheese?

In the oven.

When?
What are you
talking about?

The turkey's gonna take
five hours at 300 degrees,

the mac and cheese
is gonna take

two hours
at 320 degrees,

then the cobbler's gonna take
45 minutes at 425 degrees.

You've already
lost two hours

with Three Mile Island
here, so I'd say

we'll probably, we'll be
eating dinner around about

1:30 tomorrow morning.

That's if nothing else
goes wrong.

My mother was bad at math,
except when it came to

multiplying
my father's headaches.

(knocking on door)

Happy Thanksgiving!

(chuckling nervously)

Hey, big bro.

What's up, Louis.
How you doing?

Hi, Vanessa.

How are you,
Mr. Julius?

You know
Mrs. Watkins.

Not like you do.

Big man!

Hey.
All right.

Hey, go on in,
go on in.

Louis.
Hey, man.

How you doing?

So, I didn't want
to show up empty-handed.

So voilá.
Thank you.

What is it?

It smells delicious.

Uh-oh, watch her.

Ever since
her husband died,

she's been eating like
it's going out of style.

(laughing)

They're organic
green beans.

See, I toasted some almonds up

and then I crushed them

and drizzled on some olive oil
that I pressed myself.

You sound like you
went to chef school.

No, I'm a chiropractor.
He went to spine school.

You didn't tell me your
brother went to college.

You didn't tell me
you had a brother.

Hey, Uncle Louis!

What's up, sweetie?

Hey, big man.

Hey.
Hey.

Good seeing you.
Hey!

Why they don't
treat me like that?

'Cause you don't have a job.

Hey, where's Chris?

Oh, he went out,
he'll be back.

Oh, okay.
Well, um,

everybody put your coats down

and, you know,
we'll get started.

You're looking
for macaroni

on Thanksgiving Day?

Man, that's like looking
for candles on Hanukkah.

Well, I did make the mac
and cheese, but I burned it.

You don't have to worry.
I know just what to do.

You don't need
macaroni and cheese

to make macaroni and cheese.

You don't?

No.

You can make macaroni and cheese
out of anything.

All you got to do is...

Whenever anyone says,
"All you have to do is..."

the next thing they say
is always something impossible.

Dismantling a bomb
is easy.

All you have to do
is identify the ground wire,

pull out your cutters...

and snip.

You try it.

Base jumping is easy.

All you got to do is make sure
you have enough distance

from the base before
you pop your chute.

(voice echoing):
You try...

(loud crash)

Juggling chainsaws
is easy.

All you have to do is keep one
saw in the air at all times.

(screaming)

All you have to do is learn
to live with one hand.

Dang, man, you want me to go
get somebody or something?

Leave it in for 96 minutes
and that's it.

Simple.

Doc, I can't do all this.

Why don't you just come by the
house and make it yourself?

I mean, you can stay
for dinner.

I'm working.

But I really need
your help, Doc.

Maybe I can close early.

Back at home, while my father
was doing all the work,

his brother was having
all the fun.

Wherever he went,
my Uncle Louis

was the life of the party.

He danced...
Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Don't get so excited.

...he sang...

* Solid...

* I'm solid as a rock

(imitating bass)

* And nothing's changed it

* The thrill is still
hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. *

He even spun plates.

But what he seemed
to do best,

was irritate my father.

* And now we're solid

* We're solid as a...

* Rock

* Solid as a...

Don't you see me trying to fit
this turkey in the oven?

Oh, yeah, just
move the rack.

Move the rack?

* Just move the rack.

I'm sorry, forgive me,
I didn't go to college.

Where's that carving knife?

Hey, hey, Julius man,
I'm just trying to help.

You want to help me?
Yeah.

Get back out there and start
singing and dancing again.

That's how you
can help me.

What is your problem, man?

I'm sick of you,
that's my problem.

Ever since you
come over here,

you been trying
to make me look bad.

I go out of my way
to make a dinner for you,

and you out there doing
Ashford and Simpson.

I bought all
these groceries

and even used Mom's recipes.

Whoa, who told you
to use Mom's recipes?

You know Mama can't cook.

I didn't tell you
to do any of this.

All I said was
that I'm coming over.

And you're the one
running around here

looking like
the Galloping Gourmet.

Forget it. I'm done.

You can't stop cook...

You got people here, man.

They like you so much...

let's see how they
like your cooking.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Hi, Uncle Louis.
Hey, Mr. Chris.

How you doing, man?

Good.

Well, who died?

My husband.

Oh, my condolences.

No, not just now.

It happened a couple
of weeks ago.

Yeah, he got mauled by
a bear at the circus.

Tragic.

So you're a widow?

Yes.
All right, now.

It's her third time.
You gonna be number four?

You better leave
her alone.

So where you been, Chris?

Oh, I been with Doc.

He's going to make his
famous macaroni and cheese.

LOUIS:
Oh, that's what
I'm talking about.

Good.

Cook it fast. I'm hungry.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know it was
that important to you.

It's... it's all right.

Baby.

What?

I think you broke
the turkey.

(both laughing)

(football game on television)

If I didn't do something,

this was going to be the most
depressing Thanksgiving ever.

So...

Uncle Mike, is your back
still hurting?

Oh, yeah. My back as been out
for 11 years.

It's an old football injury.

I didn't know
you played football.

I don't. I was
watching football

and fell off the couch.

Does your back hurt now?

Yeah.
Show me where.

Right here.

Right back there.

Yeah, right, right,
right there.

That's your L-5.

I can fix that for you.

I don't know. I've been
knowing a lot of doctors

and they told me
it was all chronic.

Chronic? What doctor has he
been going to-- Dr. Dre?

Doctors-- they don't know
what they're talking about.

All right, here, here.

Ready?

(loud crack)

Oh, geez.

I feel better.

Oh, good. Now you
can get a job.

I'm not cured, Rochelle.

It's just in remission.

I'm next.

Cross your arms.

Okay, I'll get this
out of here.

They look happy now,

but wait till he sends
them the bill.

(cracking)

(crack)
Oh.

Oh, right here.

While everyone was inside
feeling better,

my father was outside
feeling worse.

Whoa, whoa, don't throw
that away.

Is that burnt mac and cheese?

Yeah. Why?

It's just the way
I like it.

He wants that blackaroni,

'cause he's on that crackaroni.

Hey.

Hey.

You all right?

Yeah. You?

Me? Yeah.

All right.
All right.

All right.
All right.

Hungry?

Yeah.

Eat?

Yeah.

Cool.

Cool.

My father and uncle
loved each other,

And even though
they didn't

always get along,
deep down inside

here's what
they really wanted to say.

Hey. You all right?
Hey. Yeah.

You?
Yeah.

All right.
Hungry?

Eat?
Yeah.

Cool.
Cool.

We couldn't wait
for the turkey,

so Doc's mac and cheese
moved from side dish

to main course.

Rolls, mac and cheese,
cranberry sauce.

You know, I haven't had

a meal like this since
I kicked my habit.

Yeah, I'm glad I don't have to
watch you at the store no more.

(laughing)

I know that's right.

You know what, this is the best
Thanksgiving I've had in years.

VANESSA:
Not to mention the fact
you fixed my back.

And these green
beans, they good.
Thank you.

Ooh, Doc, this macaroni
and cheese is fantastic.

It's the best
I've ever tasted.

The best you'll ever taste,

unless you invite me
to next Thanksgiving.

Hey, Rochelle, why I got to be
over where with the kids?

'Cause everybody at that table
lives with their mother.
Anyway...

JULIUS:
'Cause only working people
at this table.

(laughing)

(football game on television)

Oh, well, since you're all here,

I was wondering
if you could help me

with my homework assignment.

What do you need, baby?

I need to find out what
everybody's

really thankful for
this Thanksgiving.

Well, I'm thankful I
didn't have to eat

any of your burnt
mac and cheese.

I'm thankful for Carla,
Leslie, Pam, Christie,

Michelle, Tanisha,
and Miss Patterson.

I'm thankful for Mrs. Tyler,
Mrs. Jackson, Mrs. Watkins,

Mrs. Turner, Mrs. Perkins
And Mrs. Patterson.

Well, I'm thankful that I don't
have to take no mess,

'cause my man has two jobs.

I'm thankful my son
has a job.

(as Sammy Davis Jr.):
I'm, uh... I'm thankful for
the world's greatest

older brother, man,
and I mean that.

Hey, big round of applause

for the man who made
Thanksgiving possible,

ladies and gentlemen.

I'm thankful I don't have
to sit with those kids no more.

I'm thankful I read
this book by Larry X.

I mean, this brother
is so hip.

He breaks down the real deal
on Thanksgiving

as it pertains to the
disenfranchised

minorities of this
capitalist society.

And it's
autographed, too.

You better read it.

Thanks.

While Doc had given me
some food for thought,

my father couldn't take
his thoughts off of food.

Come on, get up.

Tonya, wake up.

Chris, Chris, wake up.

Drew, Drew, get up.

Oh, Julius.

It's beautiful.

You didn't think he was going
to waste

$95 worth of brand name food.

* Girl, you're smiling
like a baby *

* I ain't had nothing
like your love *

* You're the one that I've been
thinking of... *

Even though
I didn't like the idea

of homework over Thanksgiving,

I did learn what Thanksgiving
was all about.

"To me, Thanksgiving means
family and togetherness.

"Thanksgiving came about

"when the Pilgrims
landed on Plymouth Rock.

"The Indians greeted them,
provided them shelter,

"taught them how to grow corn

"and how to prepare
for the winter.

"They went on to cook

"one of the greatest meals
the pilgrims every ate.

"And in appreciation
for showing them how

"to prosper and survive
in this brave new world,

"the pilgrims killed
the Indians

"and created a holiday
in their honor.

"So on this
Thanksgiving,

"I'm thankful for
my family, my friends,

"but most importantly,
I'm thankful

that I'm not a Native American."

(one person claps)

Happy Thanksgiving.

* Everybody hates Chris.

* Oh... make it funky now!