Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 4 - Everybody Hates a Liar - full transcript

Everybody Hates Chris #026
"Everybody Hates a Liar"
Closed Captioned

(Berlin's "No More Words"
playing)

CHRIS ROCK:
Tasha Clarkson was the new
girl next door.

Unlike just about every other
girl in the neighborhood,

she didn't hate me.

Hi, Chris.
Hey, Tasha.

I always tried to play it
cool around her,

but every time she came
out the door,

it looked like this...

(cheering and applause)

But Tasha's grandmother was one
of the strictest parents



on the block.

Where you going
dressed like that?

Grandma, I have on
everything but gloves.

Put some gloves on.

(scoffs)

Showing your hands to people.

And it was 79 degrees.

So I figured the smartest
thing to do

was to just leave Tasha alone.

(knocking)

Chris, come quick. I need you.

So much for that plan.

(screaming)

Do you see it?!
Chris, do you see it?!



Oh, yeah, I see it.

But what do you want
me to do with it?

(screaming)

(screaming)

Get it out!

Get it out of my closet!
Okay, okay, okay.
Stop screaming please.

Stop, stop...

She's screaming like
the mouse had a gun.

Thank you.

No problem.

To you, that just looked
like a kiss on the cheek,

but to me it felt
like this...

(romantic music swelling)

Yo.

Little dude from
across the street.

Come here.

Listen, man, I don't
have any money.

I don't want your money,
little dude.

I want to know how
you got Tasha.

Got Tasha what?

Come on, little dude.
I saw that.

Every little dude on the block
been trying to get next to her.

Little dude from up
on the third floor,

little dude from
around the corner,

little dude with
the funny leg,

little dude with
the little loft,

little dude that be
with big dude... and Kenny.

Now I know why
they can't get nowhere.

'Cause little dude from across
the street is on the case.

Now why you ain't
tell nobody?

Hey, well, you know.

That's what you said when you
didn't want to lie,

but you didn't want
to tell the truth.

I underestimated
you, little dude.

I ain't think you
had it in you.

Tasha. Mean as her
grandmom is.

You a bad man,
little dude.

Just do me a favor.

Don't tell anybody?

It's between me and you.

(chuckles):
Little dude from
across the street.

Mackin'.

I should have told him the
truth that nothing happened,

but, hey, well, you know.

* Oh... make it funky now!

Captioning sponsored by
CBS Paramount
Network Television

CHRIS:
My father never spent money
on himself.

So to get the things he liked,
he used trading stamps.

These weren't the kind of
stamps you put on an envelope.

They were the kind of stamps
you put in books

and could redeem for stuff
that you'd never buy with cash.

Like a bumper pool table...

Oh, yes!

...electro energy ball...

My father wished he could use
trading stamps

to pay for everything.

He needs
a new heart.

Is it in the catalog?

85,000 stamps.

Get that boy
into surgery.

Do they still have that
golden boomerang?

We ain't getting no
golden boomerang.

We getting a new
refrigerator.

What's wrong with
the refrigerator?

The thermostat
is broken.

The freezer's too cold,
the refrigerator's too hot.

It melted the ice cream
and froze the cheese.

I thought we were going
to get something fun.

Eating ain't fun?
Try not eating.

Whatever we get...

A new refrigerator.

...we're gonna have
to do it soon.

The paper said the catalog
store's closing.

We got to redeem all these
by the weekend.

If I have any stamps left,
I'm going to get this.

What?

An electric
ping-pong table?

It keeps score
automatically.

Now you know you're too big
to be playing ping-pong.

Can we use the sponge instead?

You know how much
a sponge costs?

Less than a new tongue.

Oh, that's one cent
worth of stamp.

Chris, give me the tape.

What my father didn't realize
was that I had to use

two cents worth of tape to
repair one cent worth of stamp.

Hey, Mom, you want to watch
The Ropers with me?

Oh, no, baby, I'm tired.

I've been working all day,

and after I finish
helping Tonya

I got to go
fold clothes.

Oh, okay.

I'll watch it with you.

No, thanks.

The only thing Drew liked more
than watching The Ropers

was watching The Ropers
with my mother.

I hadn't said that anything
really happened

between me and Tasha,

but not saying anything
was almost worse.

Hey, Chris.
Hey, Tasha.

Hey, Tasha,
how you doing?

Man, you better
leave her alone.

Isn't that right,
little dude?

Hey, well, you know.

I know.

I wasn't saying a word
about me and Tasha,

and yet, it was all over
Bed-Stuy.

Girl, little Tasha
who just moved in?

That's right.

You know what else
I heard?

I heard she and Chris
were right outside

on the street kissing.

Ooh, girl, was it
tongue kissing?

Right down
to the throat.

Ooh, I didn't know
she was like that.

You wasn't supposed to know.
Hmm.

Not only Chris have Tasha,
but he got three other women.

Hey, ain't nothing
wrong with that.

The Good Book says
"Be fruitful and prosper."

Yes, Lord.

Got any ashes
in this?

No.

Man, I heard Tasha caught
Chris cheating

with Valerie Simpson.

Nick Ashford
gonna kill him.

Hiyeh...

Notice how Nick Ashford
and Verdine White

look just alike?

Verdine White from
the liquor store,

or Verdine White from
Earth, Wind and Fire?

It's the same guy.

What?

The story was taking off,

and for the first time
I was trying to play it down.

You kissed Tasha?

Well, technically,
she kissed me.

And it wasn't
a "kiss" kiss.

She just kissed me
on the cheek.

Which cheek?
This one.

When did all
this happen?

Yesterday.
She was scared
of a mouse

and I went in
to go get it for her.

Then she gave me
a quick peck.

I was saying that, but I knew
Greg was thinking this...

(sultry R&B music plays)

Wow, you are in there.

Hey, well, you know.

No, I really
don't know.

Greg didn't even have
a vicarious thrill

till he was 22.

Just do me a favor--
don't tell anybody.

Who would I tell?

He would tell everybody.

Hey, Chris.
Hey, Chris.

And I mean everybody.

BOTH:
Hi, Chris.

Even Caruso gave me
some respect.

Hey, Lakeside, I didn't
know you had it in you.

Well, aren't you just
a little Sweet Sweetback.

Hey, well, you know.

Who knew that the secret
for a guy getting girls

is for a guy to get a girl?

While I was getting more
attention than I could handle,

Drew wasn't getting
any at all.

Hey, Mom, could you help
me with my homework?

Oh, baby, I'm tired.

I got to sort clothes
and do laundry.

Can't Chris help you
when he gets home?

I guess.

Drew hadn't looked that sad
since E.T. went home.

What?

Okay, what?

I'm just trying
to figure you out.

Here I'm thinking,

your middle name
is "Mr. Lonely."

Come to find out
it's "Lady-Killer," huh?

I'm not a lady-killer.

Yeah, I wasn't either.
That's how come

I got divorced
as many times as I did.

Look, when
your time comes,

get you a pre-nup.

I don't have anything.

Well, they'll
take that, too.

You got that right.

Hi, Chris.

How you doing?

Who are you?

Diedre, but you can
call me Dee-Dee.

This is Shavonda.

What's this?

My phone number.

So I can call you?

Yeah.

You know, I heard about

you and Tasha.

Hey, well, you know.

(clearing throat)

Hey, well, you know what?

Hi, Tasha.

Don't "Hi, Tasha" me.

Hey, well, you know what?

What were you gonna
say about me, Chris?

You have something to say,
say it to my face.

I want my mama!

The only person who hadn't
heard about me and Tasha

was my mother.

But that was about to change.

Hello, Louise.
How you doing?

You keep

your nasty little
nappy-headed son

away from my granddaughter.

That's how I'm doing.

That look means all seven
of the words

you can't say on television.

Because this is a family show,
all she can say is this...

Excuse me?

Let me slow
it down for you.

Keep...

your nasty little
nappy-headed son...

away... from my granddaughter.

Okay, Louise, first of all,

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Second of all, I suggest
you watch your tone.

I suggest you watch your son.

Louise, I'm going to assume that
you have not lost your mind.

All right.

There's less anger
in the Middle East.

So exactly what is it
that you're talking about?

Your son was in my house

with my granddaughter

when I wasn't home.

And then went around
the neighborhood

and talked about her like
she was some kind of tramp.

Chris?

No, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Yes, Chris.

I don't know how he wormed
himself into my house,

but I'll tell you this--

if it happens again,

there's going to be a problem.

"Problem" is a polite word
for "ass-kicking."

ROCHELLE:
Chris!

CHRIS:
Uh-oh.

Why is Miss Clarkson
talking about...?

Boy, turn around
before I smack a face

onto the back of your head.

Why is

Miss Clarkson talking
about you

in her house with Tasha,
and it's all

over the neighborhood?

I do not appreciate
the whole neighborhood

knowing something
about my child,

and I'm the last to find out.

My mother hated being the last
to find out about anything.

ALL:
Surprise!

Why am I the last to know?

Congratulations.
You're pregnant.

That's great!

Pregnant?! Why am
I the last to know?

What's going on?

That's what
I'm trying to find out.

Miss Clarkson said that Chris
was in her house with Tasha.

Doing what?
CHRIS:
Nothing.

She asked me to come over
because there

was a mouse in her closet.
I got rid of it,

and then we went
right back outside.
Getting rid of a mouse?

Is that what
they're calling it nowadays?

Are you an exterminator?
If you are,

let me see your paycheck.

No.

Chris, I don't care

if you were
over somebody's house

getting rid of a mouse,
a spider, a roach, a tiger...

I was just trying to help.

Chris, please tell me.

Is that all
that really happened?

'Cause Miss Clarkson seems to
think that you were doing more

than just getting rid
of a mouse, boy.

Well, after we went outside,
she gave me a kiss on the cheek,

and Jerome saw and,
next thing I know,

it's all over the neighborhood.

And you had nothing
to do with spreading that?

Hey, well, you know.

"Hey, well, you know"?

Well, what is that
supposed to mean?

Rochelle,
Chris and I need to talk

for a minute.

You putting me out?

We need to have
a man-to-man talk.

Okay, fine.

Julius, the next
time somebody comes

to this house with a problem,

I'm gonna send them directly
to you. Is that okay?

Huh?

All right.

Sit down.

Chris, if you're leading
people to believe

you did something
with that girl you didn't do,

then you need to fix it.

But I never said
we did anything.

Let me tell you
how to treat women, son.

If you do something,

you should never say anything.

If you don't do something,
and you don't say anything,

that means you did something

even if you
did nothing.

So, by not saying anything,
you're doing something,

and you need to say something
and let people know

you did nothing.
You understand?

No.

Yeah.

All right.

Hey, Tasha, wait up!

What?
I just wanted
to tell you
that I was sorry.

Why would you say
all those things about me?

I just moved in and,
all of a sudden,
I have a reputation.

I didn't say
anything, for real.

Well, somebody
said something,
and it wasn't me.

Yo, little dude.
Your old lady
mad at you, huh?

She's not my old lady.

What? Y'all broke up?

Yeah, well...

I know. I know.

Hey, Mom, can you help me
make some Kool-Aid?

Aw, Drew, I'm trying
to rest for 20 minutes

before I have
to cook dinner.

Here. You know how
to make Kool-Aid.

Never mind. Forget it.

What's wrong with him?

I don't know,
but I'm about
to find out.

We got any Kool-Aid?

Mm-hmm.

My mother had to find out
what was up

before she had
to smack Drew down.

Something you
want to talk about?

Why do you
pay more attention

to Chris and Tonya
than you do me?

I don't do it
on purpose, baby.

Well, then, how come
every time I ask you
to do something,

you always make me
do it by myself?

* The closer I get to you...

Well, because you've
always been able

to do things on your own.

Doesn't mean
I love you any less.

Sometimes
it feels like it.

Oh, don't say that, Drew.

I'm proud of you.

* By giving me
all you've got... *

I guess I don't see you
as being my baby anymore.

You don't?

Uh-uh.

I look at you as a young man,
because you're so independent.

I'm independent?

Yeah.

And you're funny.

You're handsome.

Oh, cool.

So you going to be okay?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Drew.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Good. Come on, let's
make some Kool-Aid.

Oh, and another thing.

If you ever walk away
from me like that again,

you going to need a wheelchair
to bring you back. Okay?

Meanwhile, I had girl trouble
without having a girl.

Hey, Tasha. Can I talk
to you for a second?

No.

Hey, why you acting
all stuck-up?

I know Chris is cool
and everything,

but you're too good for me?

CHRIS:
Tasha!

I want everyone
to listen to me!

Tasha is

not my girlfriend.

She never was.

I know everybody
thinks that something

was going on between us,
but nothing happened.

And not nothing something.
Nothing nothing.

Tasha's a nice girl.

She's not like that.

I got rid of a mouse for her.

Then she gave me a kiss on
the cheek and a hug. That's it.

Tasha, I'm sorry.

Now, would you all

quit talking about this?

Because there is nothing
to talk about.

I wish there was
something to talk about.

But there's not.

Okay?

* Girl, don't take
your love from me... *

Get off of my car, fool!

How did he know my nickname?

I can't believe you
made the whole thing up.

I didn't make
anything up.

Everyone else did.
What do you expect
people to think

with you running
around saying,

"Yeah, well, you know"
to everything?

That's why
I had to stop it.

I thought you
were so in there.

Everybody did.

Listen, just don't say anything
to anybody. I want this to die.

I won't say a word.

This is going to stay
between you and me.

All right.

Just like before.

Hey.

BOTH:
Ew!

How you guys doing?

Shut up!
Shut up!

You blew it,
cornbread.

Some Sweetback
you are.

I wasn't the only one
looking for redemption.

Back at the catalog store,

my father was taking
his sweet stamps back.

I'm here to
redeem my stamps.

What would you like?

The olive green refrigerator.

We're out of those.

You have one in yellow?

No. We're out
of the refrigerators.

Well, what
about the stove?

Gone.

The sofa?
Uh-uh.

Washing machine?
Nope.

Electric ping-pong table?
Nada.

Mini-Bake Oven?
Zilch.

The golden boomerang?
The bishop

just walked out
with the last one.

Hello.

So what do you have?

Well, we got this.

Oh, cool. Nice.

This is a nice canoe.

100,000 more stamps
and we could get a river.

Julius, where you plan
on putting this canoe?

I don't know. Somewhere.

Where's the canoe?

How did they untie it?

When did they take it?

They wouldn't have
taken a refrigerator.

The next week, that's exactly

how they stole
our new refrigerator.

That's 4,652 books
worth of stamps!

The word back on the block

was that Tasha and I
had never done a thing,

but sometimes you have
to hear things

from the horse's mouth.

Miss Clarkson?

What do you want
with your little mannish behind?

I wanted to apologize.

What exactly is it
that you're apologizing for?

Well, first, to Tasha
for letting all those people

believe all that stuff
about her.

And to you for going into your
house without your permission.

Did your mother
send you over here to do that?

Because, if she did...

She didn't.

You're not fooling anybody.

I know you.

I don't know what you do

with these little fast girls
around here,

but you're not going
to do that with Tasha.

Miss Clarkson missed me
when Tasha started

dating Bobby Brown.

Chris?

Thank you.

Hey! Little dude
from across the street.

Man, that's too bad
what happened with
you and Tasha.

I told you,
nothing happened
with me and Tasha.

Yeah, I know.
Let me hold a dollar.

They say the truth
will set you free,

but in my case
it cost a dollar.

At least I still had
Dee Dee's phone number.

Give me back
my phone number!

You better not
have it memorized.

* Everybody hates Chris.