Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 3 - Everybody Hates Elections - full transcript

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EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #025
"Everybody Hates Elections"
CLOSED CAPTIONED

CHRIS ROCK:
I thought running
for class president

would make me more popular,
change my life at Corleone,

but the more I campaigned,

the more I just wanted
to beat Caruso

by any means necessary.

Dude, I've got bad news.

The entire fourth period
English class

is going to vote
for Caruso.

All of 'em?

Yeah. He said if they don't
vote for him,



he was going to kick the lit
out of them.

I thought having DiPaolo run
with me would help me.

It would probably help more
if he threatened

to knock somebody's teeth out.

That's okay.
He won't be able

to do that
at the town hall meeting.

I may not be able to knock
people out,

but I know I can answer
some questions.

(Duran Duran's
"Notorious" playing)

Take a look at this.

I think it'll help
with the swing vote.

"Swing vote" meant
"white vote."

What's that?

I redid your posters.



We need to take advantage

of DiPaolo
being your running mate.

Uh, well, where's my name?

Down here.
I'd get votes if they didn't
read the fine print.

I'm the one running
for president.

I think my name should be
a little bit bigger than that.

I have another one.

White people at the beach?

No, happy white people
at the beach.

Chris...

Oh, that's great!

Where's your picture?

Next to Waldo.

Still working on that.

I was thinking...

We should
have another opportunity

to hear our candidates

in addition
to the town hall meeting.

So you're going to
have to prepare a speech.

A speech?

I never feared speaking
in public

until I had to speak in public.

No problem, Ms. Morello.

Okay.

No problem?

You ever written
a speech before? I haven't.

Oh, by the way,

are you going to need
an organ player?

Why would I need
an organ player?

Oh, you know, in case
you catch the Holy Ghost.

Uh, no, I think
I'll be okay.

Tambourine?

CHRIS:
I'm fine.

Good luck.

Didn't Ghostbusters already
catch the Holy Ghost?

* Oh... make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by
CBS/PARAMOUNT
TELEVISION NETWORK

After trying to find a tenant

to help my father
make ends meet,

my mother thoughtshe had found
the perfect person,

our neighborhood
funeral director, Mr. Omar.

Oh, hello, Mr. Omar.

Oh, hello, Miss Rochelle.

Is this Mrs. Omar?

No, this is Mrs. Johnson.

Mr. Omar and I are just friends.

Yeah, her husband
recently passed

and she's in mourning.

Sure, she is.

Was it... sudden?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
He got stabbed on the subway.

Didn't see it
coming.

Tragic.

Tragic!

I'll show you the apartment.

Oh!
Okay.

Boy, I love this wood.
Don't you love this wood?

Oh, yes, I love this.

We going to get
through this, too.

We going to get
through this together.

So... here we go.

Come on in.
Come on in.

Not bad, not bad.

So, over here we have
a kitchenette

and over there
is the bedroom.

Hey, Ma, I forgot my lunch.

All right, see
you later, Ma.

Oh, cool!

Drew was lucky to pick up
that ten dollars

before the mice
got ahold of it,

'cause they was going
to buy some cheese.

What's the matter?

The speech. I've never given
a speech before.

I don't know if I can do this.

I don't want to get up there
and put people to sleep.

There's no reason
to be nervous.

I've been working
on some bullet points

and I guarantee you

nobody's going
to sleep through this.

"The geopolitical infrastructure
of Corleone"?

"Trading arms for hostages"?

"Postwar Grenada"?!

Good, huh?
I got more stuff, too,

on Noriega and the fallacy
of trickle-down economics.

Wait. "The fallacy of
trickle-down economics"?

Greg, this is the eighth grade.

Yeah, but it's trickling down
to us.

I want a speech that'll get
people excited.

I want a speech that will get
people to vote for me,

but mostly,

I want a speech
I can remember.

I hear ya.

You need a good hook.

After researching some of the
greatest speeches ever,

I tried a few on for size.

Four score and seven years ago,
our fathers brought forth

to this country a...

Float like a butterfly,
sting like a bee.

Don't vote for him,
vote for me.

Come on. This is serious.

I am not a crook.

Come on. Now you're just
making stuff up.

Once you go black,
you never go back.

Are you trying to get us killed?

Segregation now,
segregation tomorrow,

and segregation forever!

What are you thinking?

I think we've looked at every
speech in every book here.

Maybe I should just say,
"Vote for me.

You know I won't kick
the crap out of you."

We better make a good showing
at this town hall meeting.

Baby, I need ten dollars.

What for?

'Cause I'm going
to get my hair done

and I have ten,
but I need 20.

(Latin dance music playing)

What is he doing
up there?

I guess he's listening
to music.

Pete Escovedo, I think.

Could you tell him
to keep it down?

I got to get some sleep.

Okay, baby,
I'll tell him.

Mr. Omar had just moved
into the house

and had already made
himself at home.

(loud music continues)

Who are you?

Mrs. Morales.
Can I help you?

Oh. Is Mr. Omar here?

Hold on.

Omar, alguien está a la puerta.

Oh, hello, Miss Rochelle.

Am I interrupting something?

Oh, no, I was just about
to come to you.

Do you have a face towel
I could borrow?

MRS. MORALES:
Pregunta si
tienechampu.

Oh, yeah.
And some shampoo, too.

Uh, I'll check.

I just wanted to say we don't
have many rules for our tenants,

but my husband
works at night

and he sleeps
during the day.

So if you can keep
the music down
a little bit

we'll really appreciate that.

Oh, no problem.

Thank you.

Uh-huh.

Oh, don't forget the face towel
and the shampoo.

I thought I would be nervous
when I got in front

of that audience,
but for the first time,

I had more confidence
than ever.

Hey, look, it's Frank
and Sammy.

That's all right,
'cause after this

you're the one that's going
to be singing...

* These are the breaks

* Break it up, break it up,
breakdown! *

All right, everybody,
take your seats.

We will now begin
our town hall meeting

so you can get to know
the candidates.

Let's have the first question
for Mr. Caruso.

Yes?

If you were elected,

what flavor would you pick
for the cafeteria Jell-O?

Grape. Grape today,
grape tomorrow, grape forever.

Yeah!

(all cheering)

Hey, this is going to be easy.

Who's got a question for Chris?

In a perfect utilitarian
society,

where would a learning

institution like Corleone
position itself vis-a-vis

the prevailing monetary laws

regarding the national position
on the Krugerrand?

What?

In a perfect utilitarian
society...

I heard you, but, uh,

I don't know.

Grape?

(audience murmuring)

All right, do we have another
question for Mr. Caruso?

Mr. Burr?

Where do you stand on access
for the handicapped?

Ramps. Ramps now, ramps
tomorrow, ramps forever.

I have a question.

What's your position
on detention?

Detention now,

detention tomorrow
and detention forever.

(booing)

What were you thinking?

What were you thinking?

"Detention now,
detention forever"?

Nice going, thunder thumbs.

Oh, man. Idiot.

We'll get him with the speech.

Yeah, now all we have to do
is write one.

While I was debating Caruso,
my brother was debating

what to buy
with the ten dollars he found.

Hey, young blood,
what's happening?

Hey, Risky. Hey, man,

what you got
for ten dollars?

Ten dollars, huh?

Oh, I got this
leopard hat.

Mm, nah, I want
something cool.

Cooler than
a leopard hat?

Yeah.
Okay, okay, okay.

Uh, uh-huh, yeah.

How about an Olympic torch?
Olympic torch right here.

And that's from this year's
Summer Olympics.

And how'd you get it?

Mary Lou Retton, man.

Are you buying or are
you asking questions?

What else you got?

(sighs)

Oh... ah.

How about a wallet?

Snakeskin wallet, too.

Coral, rattler,
I don't know,

but it's from my
grandmama's backyard.

Yeah, I need a wallet
to put my ten dollars in.

Yeah, there you go.

How much?

Ten dollars.

I'll take it.

The Indians made a similar deal
for Manhattan.

All right, brother,
have a good time. Enjoy.

(knocking at door)

Chris, go get the door!

(knocking continues)

(sighs)

Hey, Drew.

Uh, I'm Chris.

Hey, Chris,
is your mother home?

Ma? Come in.

All right.

Chris, go tell your daddy
dinner's ready.

Hey, Mr. Omar.

Well, good evening,
Miss Rochelle.

This is my friend,
Mrs. Taylor.

Oh, we know each other.

We both used
to sell Yvonne products.

Yes, yes.
How you doing?

I'm good.
How are you doing?

Okay. So how do
you know Mr. Omar?

Well, we met at my ex-
husband's brother's funeral.

Yeah, got hit
by a bus. Very sad.

Well, can I help you
with something?

Well, I just wanted
to stop by

and tell you
I love the apartment.

Great, great, great.

Well, thanks for stopping by.

Well, we're about to go
and get something to eat.

And I noticed you're about
to have dinner, too.

Oh, yeah, we were about
to sit down.

We might as well join you.

While Mr. Omar
was chowing down,

my father's blood pressure
was going up.

Oh, no, no,
I'll take the big one, baby.

So, uh, where are the kids?

Oh, they're having dinner
in their rooms.

Oh, y'all got any more
corn bread?

Yeah, it's...
it's in the kitchen.

Oh.

Honey? Would you help me

get some more corn bread?

Oh, it's right on the stove.

I really need your help.

Now you see, that's what
I'm talking about.

That's what a real relationship
is all about.

Bible says,

behind every great man
is a great woman.

You're on it, brother.

I like that.

Thank you.
You got it.

Thank you. I'm gonna get some
more of this corn bread.

All right.

Be right back.

(whispering):
Why did you invite
him to dinner?

(whispering):
I didn't invite him.
He just showed up.

How am I supposed to relax
if you keep bringing home

people for me to feed?

He's not talking about
Mr. Omar,

he's talking about the kids.

Baby, I just couldn't say no.
Why not?

Because I didn't want
to be impolite.

You know I like to make
a good impression.

Making a good impression was
important to my mother.

What are you doing?

I'm spraying for ants.

Didn't we call
the exterminator?

I don't want him to think
we've got ants.

Why are we trying to make
a good impression on him?
It's just dinner.

For goodness sakes!

And I hear you
making that face.

Hey, Mom, can I have
some more vegetables?

Oh, sure you can, son.

There you go.

Hey, what's it like being around
dead people all the time?

Drew, that is not

dinner conversation.
Now go on upstairs.

Oh, that's all right.
The boy's just curious.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Julius.
Did you want any more of this?

No, no, I'm fine.

Mm, this is a good dinner,
isn't it?

Thank you.

I could do this every week.

Every week...

I'm sure glad I came
down here

before I spent my good money.

You better get down
to the auditorium.
You ready?

Yep. I got my speech
right here.

You got any idea what
Caruso is going to say?

No.

Whatever he's got, it can't
be better than this.

Thanks, Kashif.

I guess great artists
do steal.

(door slams)

How much did that cost?

Don't play with me, Julius.

I went to the
beauty parlor

and found out I lost $10.

And Vanessa,
my so-called friend,

would only curl half my hair.

Did you see my money laying
around here somewhere?

Here's how that sounded
to my father.

I went to the beauty parlor
and discovered that
I lost my $10.

(garbled babbling):
Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa...

You lost $10?

That's $10 worth of dollars.

Baby, don't worry,
I know it's got

to be laying
around here somewhere.

Drew, Tonya,
come down here.

You sure nobody
was in your purse?

Maybe, but I know it
wasn't one of my kids.

We all knew better than that.

We knew the legend
of the boy

who went in his mother's purse.

Did you go
in my purse?

No! No!

What?
No!

Tell the truth, baby,
I'll let you go.

Okay, I did.

Drop his ass.

(screaming)

(loud crash)
I told you
I'd let you go.

Mama, what's wrong?

Did one of y'all find
$10?

I didn't.

He couldn't look guiltier

if his lawyer was
Johnnie Cochran.

Drew?

Was it on the stairs?

(mocking tone):
"Was it on the stairs?"

Boy, if I knew where I lost it,
I would have it right now.

I should snatch
the scabs off of you.

Next time you find money
around this house

you better let me know,
do you understand me?

Yes, ma'am.

Good. Boy done lost his mind.

Give me my $10.

I spent it.

Oh, no, you didn't.

You owe me $10.

Please just get
out of my sight.
Go, just, go.

(sighs)

Can you believe...?

The one time I thought I had
Caruso beat,

he pulled something that
even I couldn't believe.

Men should be judged not by
the color of their skin,

but by the content
of their character.

* By the content
of his character... *

And in closing, I'd like to say,
keep hope alive.

Keep hope alive.
(cheering)

Keep hope alive.

Caruso wouldn't know
Jesse Jackson

from Reggie Jackson.

You can't go out there.

You don't have a speech.

You're going to lose.

I'm not going to win
if I stay back here.

(cheering and applause)

Oops, upside your head.

The next politician
to use that move

was Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

Settle down, settle down.
That was Joey Caruso who's

running for class president...

What are you
going to say?

I don't know.

Well, it was a good run.

Yeah, I guess.
Now I'm going to introduce

the nominee for eighth grade
vice president--

Frankie DiPaolo and his
running mate Chris.

Sorry, man.

(murmuring)

Even though I didn't have
a speech,

I did have something to say.

("Under Pressure" playing)

Uh... when I decided to run for
eighth grade class president,

I was running for
a lot of different reasons.

What I never really asked myself

was, did I really want to be
class president?

Well, I do.

You know,

I don't know what I can do
as class president,

but this is what

I'm going to try to do.

I'm going to try to
get you lockers

with combinations that work.

I'm tired
of coming in

to my locker and seeing that
everything I own is gone.

I'm going to try
to get you

textbooks

from this decade.

I've got a textbook that says
Dwight Eisenhower's president.

Who is Dwight Eisenhower?

I don't know.

And what about

that lunch room food?

I had some

Jell-O last week
that was harder than the bowl.

(murmured agreement)

And what's with all the salami?

Did someone vote for salami?

Do we have any bologna?

Yeah!

Ham?

Can I get a slice of cheese?

And if we have hot dogs
on Tuesday,

I don't want to have hot dog
casserole Wednesday and Thursday

and then franks and beans
on Friday.

Change it up.

(cheering and applause)

And do we have to say the Pledge
of Allegiance every day?

It's a pledge.

We can say it once.

What, they don't trust
us or something?

And how about we get field trips

to places where people
actually want to go?

I'm not going to the botanical
gardens one more time.

How about Coney Island?

Or Times Square?

Let's go see the Knicks.

Let's go see the Yankees.

Heck, I'll even go
see Cats.

But if I go to the botanical
gardens one more time,

I'm gonna slap the sap
out of somebody.

(cheering and applause)

Now I know it's been
a long time coming,

but as your eighth grade
class president

I promise you a change
is gonna come.

My name is Chris,
and I'm running

for your eighth grade
class president.

(chanting):
Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris,
Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris...

It was great to hear
a crowd say my name

and not follow it with,
"Let's get him."

...Chris, Chris, Chris...

The winner

of the student government
election for eighth grade

class president is...

Chris.

(cheering)

Whoo!

I wanted to become
class president

because I wanted people
to believe in me.

But the only reason I won was
because I believed in myself.

Hey, Dad.

Hey.

Good morning,
Mr. President.

Becoming class president really
did change things.

For one, my family
was really proud of me.

My man.

Now that you're class president,
can you start a war?

No.

DREW:
Hey, Chris, I bet now

you'll get all kinds
of girls, huh?

Drew, you do not use
the presidency to get girls.

Too easy.

I'm really proud
of you, son.
Thanks, Dad.

* Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day, lovely day *

* Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day, lovely day... *

Yeah, class president felt
really good,

but later that night
I had a dream.

(yells)

(crowd screaming)

Oh, my God!

* Everybody hates Chris...