Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 22 - Everybody Hates the Last Day - full transcript

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #044
"Everybody Hates The Last Day"
CLOSED CAPTIONED

(Pat Benatar's "Hit Me
With Your Best Shot" playing)

CHRIS ROCK:
After another whole year
at Corleone,

it was good to finally get
to the last week of school.

Summer vacation was ahead of
me, and the days of being

bullied by Caruso on a daily
basiswere behind me.
(school bell rings)

Man, I can't wait.

No more tests,
no more bus rides.

Hold on.

There.

2,100 minutes.



What?

There are 2,100 minutes left

until the end
of the school year.

Don't you mean five days?

I prefer 2,100 minutes.

It sounds like less time.

Whatever.

What's wrong with you?
Remember at the beginning
of the school year

when I said I wanted things
to be different and all that?

Yeah, what about it?

Well, everything I didn't
want to have happen happened.

It hasn't been all bad.

You were elected
student president.

I was impeached.



Keep it up.

You're gonna make this week a
lot longer than it has to be.

I just want to do one thing
before the end of the year

that I feel good about.

Hey, T.C.

Five more days
till you're back in the hood.

Dropped something.

Don't you ever get tired
of that?

I never get tired,
it never gets old.

You know, I think I know how
to make this all worthwhile.

What are you talking about?

I'm gonna get my
revenge on Caruso.

Stay tuned
for Revenge of the Nerd.

* Aw, make it funky now

Captioning sponsored by
CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK
TELEVISION

The hardest thing
about planning revenge

is figuring out how far to go.

How's Operation Get Revenge
On Caruso going?

Not bad, but I'm changing
the operation name

to He Can Hear
You, Stupid.

What's that?

It's my revenge list.

I'm trying to figure out
the best way to do it.

You could toilet paper
his house.

Too dangerous.

You could egg him
on the way home.

Too obvious.

You could put Ex-Lax
in his hot chocolate.

Too typical.
Suit yourself,

but I'm saving that one
for a jerk to be named later.

Do you really think
this is gonna work?

I want to show Caruso that
he can't keep messing with me

and get away with it.

I'm gonna get him back.

I'm gonna get
him back good.

Like Tina finally did to Ike.

While I was making up
for the past,

Drew was getting ready
for his future.

Oh!

Look at you.

Oh, my baby's
graduating.

I think the hat
looks stupid.
Shut up.

You shut up.
Hey, hey, be quiet.

Hey, Mom, can we eat
at Junior's after graduation?

TONYA:
I hate Junior's.

Can we eat
at Sylvia's?

Drew gets to pick.

He's the one graduating,
Tonya.

You know what?

In that case, Ma, we
have to go to Sylvia's.

Oh, that's nice, baby.

To tell Sylvia we're
eating at Junior's.

Ow!
Well, we can ask
your daddy.

I'm sure we can eat
wherever you want.

As long as they have

a "Kids eat free
after 4:00 p.m." special.

I don't know what's
so special about graduating.

Nothing,
if you're happy saying,

"May I take your order,
please?"

What's so special is:
I don't have to go

to little kid school
with you anymore.

I'm grown.

Well, you're not grown;
you're stupid.

You're stupid.
You're stupid.

(mutters)
Hey, hey, hey.

Didn't I say "Stop"?

Hey, Ma, can I show the
guys my cap and gown?

Uh-uh-uh-uh!

You ain't gonna mess
that gown up,

and then go walking
across the stage looking like

"Who did that to you?"

Take it off.

And give me
the hat, too.

I'm gonna hang this
in your closet,

and I better not see you
in it until graduation day.

You understand me?
Yes, ma'am.

Huh, excuse me?
I di... what?

Yes, ma'am.

All right.

(sighs)

While Drew was moving up, Mr.
Omar's drain was stopped up.

How long has it
been like that?

Ever since it got back
from vacation in Haiti.

I don't know.

Some time overnight,
it just got all backed up.

Hmm... I'll take care of it.

My father thought

he could fix anything
with Crazy Glue or duct tape.

What you doing?

Fixing the table.

All done.

Look at that.

Julius.

Did you fix
that flat tire?

(breathing heavily):
Good as new.

Did you fix
that noise yet?

Quiet as a mouse.

Here, hold this for me.

(sighs) I don't think duct tape
is gonna fix that, Mr. Julius.

Why don't you just call
the plumber?

For $25 an hour?

I don't think so.

I know what to do.

In order
to exact the perfect revenge,

I decided I should consult
some experts.

If I was you, I'd move onto his
block and take a dollar from him

every day
for the rest of his life.

Let me hold a dollar.

You could slash his tires,
pour sugar in his gas tank,

put bleach on his clothes,
give his wife a bad perm.

Revenge?

Success... the best revenge.

My mother didn't say

Drew couldn't wear
his graduation gown.

She just said she didn't want
to see him wearing it.

So when she wasn't around,
he watched TV in it...

he played sports in it...

Get it!
All right, man,
yeah, go, go, go, go!

He got ready for school
in it...

he even practiced graduating
from another school in it.

(applauding and cheering)
(stirring march playing)

With only four days
of school left to get Caruso,

I needed a crazy revenge plan,
so I asked a crazy person.

Hey, you know anything
about revenge?

One time in this
third world country,

I helped install
this puppet regime

for this dictator's
ex-wife after a coup,

just so she
could stop him

from getting his
favorite suits.

So that's a yes?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Okay...

Well, there's
this kid Caruso.

He's been picking on me
all year long

and I just want
to get even.

You want to know how to do
it? If he pulls a knife,

you pull a gun.

He sends one of yours
to the hospital,

you send his
to the morgue.

Now, you do that, and that will
end your problems with Caruso.

Crips and Bloods tried that.

Never quite seemed to work out.

I just want him
to stop picking on me.

Okay, well, what do
you know about him?

Well, he likes
to beat me up.

What else?
Call me names.

Is that all you know about him?

Pretty much.

Well, then, that's your problem.

First rule of combat:
know your enemy.

Man, revenge is like a good
pair of night vision goggles.

If they're not
made just for you,

they're never going to
work, and you're going

to wind up shooting your
platoon leader in the neck

by accident.

Now, if you want to get this
revenge on this Caruso,

you got to study him--
you got to find out his
strengths and weaknesses.

You got to design something
especially for him.

Remember this: revenge is
a dish best served cold.

I thought that was meatloaf.

Thanks.

So now the plan was
Operation Get To Know Caruso.

My mission with Caruso was
simple:

find out things
without getting found out.

(A Flock of Seagulls'
"I Ran" playing)

What happened?
Did he spot us?

No, but only because he didn't
see us behind that mustache.

How are you going to follow
someone with a fake mustache

and a Hawaiian shirt and
expect them not to notice you?

Works for Magnum, P.I.

Number one, Tom Selleck
is a 45-year-old man.

Two, he wears Hawaiian
shirts in Hawaii.

There, they're
just shirts.

It's like Chinese
food in China.

Nothing could be further
from the truth.

There's Mandarin,
Cantonese, Szechuan,

my favorite, Hunan,
Shanghai...

What's he doing?

Looks like he's waiting
for somebody.

What time is it?

3:15.

He's waiting for me.

Hey, you seen Chris?

Nuh-uh.

* And I ran, I ran so...

He's warming up.

He's leaving.

* I just ran

* I ran all night and day.

You okay?

Hey, are you Chris?

Yeah.
Next time,

be on time.
(grunts)

If nothing else,

at least I learned to use a
different door to leave school.

Back at home, Drew's graduation
was gradually getting to Tonya.

(huffing):
Why don't you take
that stupid cap and gown off?

You know Momma said
not to wear it.

(scoffing): You're just jealous
because I look so cool.

You don't look cool;
you look stupid.

You're the one
that's gonna look stupid

in your little baby school.

I'm not a baby; you're a baby.

That's why this baby
is graduating.

(laughing):
Clean it up.

Ha, now you clean it up.

Drew.

Everybody quiet.

I want to hear
Drew's last words.

Go take that gown off.

Clean this mess up.

If that was me,
I'd be cleaning my teeth up.

Meanwhile, my father tried

to replace a $25-an-hour
plumber

with a 14 cents-an-ounce
bottle.

Drainada?

That's right.

It's Spanish Drano.

Doesn't "Drano"
already sound Spanish?

It's just as good
as the real thing.

What's in it?

Sodium hydroxide
and hot sauce.

It dissolves the clog
and leaves the pipes

with a fresh, spicy scent.

See?

Does it work?

You ever heard of a Puerto
Rican with a plugged-up sink?

No.

Okay.

It's just hitting Mr. Omar

that maybe he did know a Puerto
Rican with a plugged-up sink.

Back on the street,
something else was going down.

This is boring, man.

If this were Magnum, it'd be
a good time for a car chase.

(up-tempo music plays)

You satisfied?

Greg, stop!

Greg just set a record in
the 100-meter run-like-a-girl.

I'd been following Caruso
all day

and I had come to a conclusion.

Bullies are strange people.

(dog barking)

(squawking)

(cat meowing)

Thanks for taking care
of her for me.

WOMAN:
You're welcome.

He's a cat lover?

It was like finding out

that Saddam Hussein collected
Cabbage Patch Kids.

CARUSO:
Who's a good kitty?

I love you. Yes, I do.

You curious, kitty?

I love you. You
want to go home?

(cat meows)
See your
new mommy?

I figured that with Caruso,
this pet would be all white.

Let's go home and
meet your new mommy.

Yes.

While I was on Caruso's tail,

my mother was about
to get on Drew's behind.

Why did I tell you not
to wear this gown?

'Cause I'd mess it up.
And what happened?

I messed it up.
I tried to
tell him...

ROCHELLE:
Girl, when I'm ready

to talk to you,
I will let you know.

What am I supposed
to do with this, Drew?

Can you fix it?

Can you fix it?

I shouldn't have to fix it.

That's why I told you not
to wear it in the first place.

And back to you.

What in the world

would possess you to throw
ice cream on your brother?

Because he's always teasing me
because he's graduating,

and I'm not.

I'm sick of him.

(sighs)
Baby, it's just his turn.

One day, you're
gonna graduate,

and if your father has
anything to do with it,

you will be getting
on everybody's nerves.

Trust me.

But baby, until then, you
just have to be patient.

But when Drew leaves Dolemite,
who's gonna walk me to school?

Even though Tonya was a menace
to society,

she was still a little girl
at heart.

I will, Tonya.

I'm only going to Sanford.

I can still walk you.

You will?

Yeah.

I think you owe your
brother an apology.

I'm sorry.

And I think you owe
your sister an apology.

Don't look at me like that.

I'm sorry for teasing you.

ROCHELLE:
Okay.

So now that
you're sorry,

and you're sorry,
I'm gonna be sorry, too.

Oh, yeah, take it upstairs.

That day, my mother performed

Bed-Stuy's first
synchronized behind beating.

Mr. Omar's drain
was still clogged,

so my father
kept plugging away.

Don't you think you ought
to call a plumber?

I told you,
I don't need a plumber.

Not when I got this.

"Custodian in a Conga"?

Yeah, Custodian in a Conga.

I mean, it's like
Janitor in a Drum,

only it's 30% stronger,
and 20% less.

Well, it better work 30% faster,
'cause I need my sink.

Watch this.

(sizzling)

Some day, Al Gore is gonna
trace global warming

back to that sink.

Finding out

that Caruso loved cats
was one thing.

Finding out how to use it
against him was something else.

Maybe you could kidnap
one of his cats,

hold him for ransom, and when
he doesn't send the money,

you could cut off one
of the cat's ears,

send it to him
in a plain brown wrapper

just to let him know
you're serious.

At that moment, I was happy

that I'd always been nice
to Greg.

What the heck is this?

Banacek.

I'm mixing it up.

I don't know, man.

Maybe this isn't
such a good idea.

What are you talking about?

I just wish Caruso
would leave me alone,

and I feel like if
I get my revenge,

I'll be no
better than him.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

You should be the bigger man.

You should just forget

about that time
he hit you with paint balloons.

Or about the time
he egged you on Halloween.

Or the time he stole
your picture day clothes.

Go ahead, let the cycle
of violence continue.

You know what they say.

What do they say?

All it takes for evil to prevail

is for a few good men
to do nothing.

Out of my way,
Count Chocula.

I got places to be.

You're a better man than me.

Oh, we'll see about that.

Since my father
hadn't fixed the sink,

Mr. Omar decided to fix him.

Slumlord?!
What?

Mr. Omar contacted
the Housing Authority

and said that we're refusing
to maintain the apartment.

You should call
the Housing Authority

about his
blacklight panther poster.

Well, Julius,
you got two choices.

Either call a lawyer,

or call a
plumber.

Good thing they don't sell
Johnnie Cochran in a Can.

On the next-to-last day
of school, I felt like

I was about to get on
with the rest of my life

without being bothered
by Caruso.

So, you figured out
what we're gonna do yet?

Yup.
Cool.

So when do we start?

It's not we this time, Greg.

I have to do this by myself.

If something goes wrong, I can't
have you getting in trouble.

This is just like Doughboy
and Tré in Boys 'n the Hood.

You don't have to do that.

We're in this together.
Not this time.

If you say so.

So, what are you gonna do?

If I tell you,
I have to kill you.

You're joking, right?

No.

Not even a little.

(bell ringing)

(indistinct chatter)

The best part about my revenge
was that Caruso would pay,

and nobody would get hurt.

(Public Enemy's "Welcome to
the Terrordome" plays)

* This is a journey

* I got so much trouble
on my mind *

* Refuse to lose

* Here's your ticket

* Hear the drummer get wicked

* The crew to you to push the
back to Black attack *

* So I sat...
then slapped the Mac *

* Now I'm ready to mic it

* You know I like it *
* Huh

* Hear my favoritism roll "Oh"

* Never be a brother like me
go solo *

* Lazer, anastasia, maze ya

* Ways to blaze your brain
and train ya *

* The way I'm livin', forgivin'
what I'm givin' up *

* Respect's been givin'
how's ya livin' *

* Now I can't protect
a paid off defect *

* Check the record
an reckon an intentional wreck *

* Played off as some intellect

* Made the call, took the fall,
broke the laws *

* Not my fault that
they're fallin' off *

* Known as fair and square
throughout my years *

* So I growl
at the livin' foul *

* Black to the bone,
my home is your home *

* But welcome
to the Terrordome *

* Number one jam
* Get down *

* Come on down
* Get down *

* Come on down...

My deed was done,
and at home, my dad was undone.

Here you go.

$268?

To unclog a drain?

It wasn't just
a clogged drain.

I had to replace a U pipe,
your trap, washers,

your valves.

What the hell you been pouring
down that drain anyway?

It smells like hot sauce.

It's Drainada.

Spanish Drano?
Sí, Señor.

Do me a favor--
keep using that stuff.

It's good for business.

Do you take coupons?

Tragic, tragic!

(mutters)

(applause)

All it took for my mother
to clean Drew's gown

was a pair of scissors
and a well-placed scarf.

Let's hear it

for our most popular student
with a 2.0 grade point average,

Drew!

(applause and cheering)
That's my brother!

Where'd he
get that?

With that plumbing bill, I
hope I didn't pay for it.

I made it from what was left
of his gown.

Hey, Drew!

My family didn't get
this excited

about anything I did
until my first HBO special.

The next day I found out
I had taken revenge

to a whole new level.

(clamoring voices)

* School's out forever

* School's been blown
to pieces... *

REPORTER:
We're standing outside
Corleone Junior High,

where just an hour ago,

toxic fumes
filled the hallways and...

You're not telling me we're
supposed to go back in there?

That is an
awful smell.
It's not toxic.

It's somewhere on
the first floor,
maybe the locker.

(sobbing)

What's that?

(yowling)

* No more teachers'
dirty looks... *

Where is she going?

(gasps) Oh,
my God!

(meowing)
GREG:
It's like that movie

The Birds.

Except with cats.

That's my locker.

Open it.

(cans clattering)

Looks like we've got
ourselves a little
practical joker.

You think this is funny?

I do.

There's cat food
in the heating ducts.

In the desks.

All over.

I didn't do this.

Oh, really? You think
because this is the last day

of school, you're gonna
get away with this?

You're sadly mistaken.

Not only are you not going
to get away with it,

you'll be paying
for this all summer.

What?!

Revenge might be cold,
but I felt warm all over.

So how'd it go in there?

I don't got time
for you, Bean Pie.

Bean Pie? Oh, I
got your Bean Pie.

That's why you're spending the
rest of the summer in detention.

What do you know about that?

Well, I know that this
time you got detention.

Next time you might get
kicked out of school.

You set me up?

Could have been me, or it
could have been anybody.

All I know is
that if I was you,

I wouldn't mess
with me again.

See you in
September, Spanky.

Oh, Chris.

I was just coming to see you.

You were? Why?

I've got some bad news.

You failed Science.

You have to go
to summer school.

Summer school?!

Perhaps next year
you'll study harder.

See you Monday... Booger.

Can't we all just get along?

* Everybody hates Chris...