Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 21 - Everybody Hates Math - full transcript

Chris turns to Rochelle to help him with his algebra for a match competition at school. But when Rochelle's teaching methods don't work, Chris decides to meet with Rochelle's mom, Maxine, who is good with algebra. Tonya takes the blame when Drew breaks Julius' favorite chair.

Everybody Hates Chris #043
"Everybody Hates Math"
CLOSED CAPTIONED

CHRIS ROCK:
When I was in school,

students usually got
recognition

for one of two things:
being really good...

This year's Valedictorian
is Stephanie Borelli.

(cheers, applause)

...and being really bad.

I'm sorry to have
to tell you this,

but your son is an idiot.

I was usually somewhere
in the middle.

Until it came to algebra.



Chris, are you
paying attention?

Can't you see I'm trying
to sleep?

Yes.

It's a simple
two-step equation.

Minus nine X, plus one,
equals minus 80.

What is x?

89?

Eighty-no.

Monkey toe.
Greg?

X equals positive nine.
Correct.

Why didn't you just ask him
in the first place?

(bell rings)

* And the long hall
and the gray walls... *

Chris?



I need to talk to you.
Yes?

You realize this week
is our pizza competition.
I know.

Every year, the math
classes at Corleone

competed for a pizza day.

Next to the last day of school,

it was everybody's
favorite day.

At my old school, if you got
a high score in math,

all you got was this...

An "A" in math?

I bet that "A" won't keep
me from kicking your ass.

Now, Chris, my request for
the school to provide you

with an alternate victory meal
of ribs and pigs' knuckles

was denied, but I know

as well as you do that you
loves you some pizza, right?

Uh... right.

Well, I'd like
our class win, but...

if you don't get your average
up, that's not going to happen.

But I'm trying.
I just don't get algebra.

Maybe you could tutor
me after school.

I'm sorry, Chris.
I don't have time.

Have you called
the United Negro College Fund?

Maybe they can help.

History would later
prove her wrong.

All I'm trying to say is:

if you don't get algebra,
we don't get pizza.

And I'm gonna get sliced.

Captioning sponsored by CBS
PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

You've got to come
through for us, dude.

Remember last year how
we could smell the pizza

coming down the
hall and then...

passing us by
and leaving us

like the last helicopter
out of Saigon?

Greg had watched First Blood
on TV the night before.

I don't want to go
through that again.

So, what? You're
going to help me?

I'd like to, but I'm already
tutoring six other dumb kids.

Plus, my aunt's
over this week.

She's got something
planned with the family

every night this week.

Tonight we're driving
over the Verrazano Bridge.

Maybe someone
else can help you.

Nobody here is
going to help me.

You gotta do something.

I want that pizza.

Greg, you eat
pizza every day.

Yeah, but this is free.
Hey, Major Harris...

if you mess up our
pizza day,

I'm gonna smack the crust
out of you.

Since it wasn't the first time
I'd had problems with algebra,

I figured the best thing
to do was to get help.

Hey, baby. I thought you
had to work today.

I asked Doc for the day off.

Why? What's wrong?
algebra.

We have this pizza day coming up
and we can't win

unless I bring up
my test score.

Is that how they get you to pass
your classes these days,

is by giving you pizza?

I guess if they gave you steak,
you'd be headed to class.

And if they gave you chicken,
you'd open up the Apollo.

So you think I could get
an algebra tutor?

An algebra tutor? In Bed-Stuy?

Now, there are six units and 12
tenants in this building.

If "X" equals the number of
units with televisions,

and "Y" equals the people who
are at work right now,

how many TVs can we steal?

Hmm?

You know, your grandmother
was a great algebra teacher.

Oh, that's right.
I forgot about that.

So you think she can
work with me?

You could work with me--
I know algebra

like the back of my hand.

Which will probably end up
upside my head.

So you're going to tutor me?

You want that pizza, don't you?

Yeah.

Besides, I don't want my mother

thinking my kids are dumb.

Your kids?
What about her kid?

Because of the crack trade,
it was a lot harder

for Risky to make money
on the streets.

He couldn't make money
on electronics.

This is a brand
new VCR-- $30.

I'll sell you 30 for $1.

He couldn't make money
on clothes.

This is nice.

It's real leather, $50.

I'll sell this one
to you for a $1.50.

He couldn't even make
money on food.

One Bomb Pop. Two dollars.

Sell you a lick
for a nickel.

So Risky took his biggest
risk of all.

He got a job.

You 10 minutes late.

Sorry, man. Look, I
appreciateyou hiring me,

but I haven't had a regular
job in ten years.

But, hey-- I'm here
and I'm ready.

Yeah. Ready to give my father
high blood pressure.

Look, I'd like to help you out,

but be late tomorrow,
and that's it.

Tanya loved her TV time.

And to her, TV time meant
no Drew time.

What do you think you're doing?
I'm sitting down.

You can't sit in Daddy's chair.

You're the one taking up
the whole couch.

So? Sit on the floor.

I don't want to sit
on the floor.

Well, I'm telling Daddy.

Telling Daddy what?

Telling Daddy that you
broke his chair.

You are going to be
in so much trouble.

You're sure you
can't do this?

I can't. My cousin from south
Jersey wants to drive me

around Brooklyn and listen
to "Born in the USA."

What?
It's a long story.

But, I've gotta get
some help with this.

I don't get it.
If your mom knows algebra,

why don't you want
her to tutor you?

'Cause when I'm working with
her, I never learn anything.

She's like Bobby Knight.

All she does
is scream and point.

But I stuck with it,

sure that my hard work
would pay off.

No! No! What
are you doing?

N plus five over minus
16 equals minus one.

What's the answer?
I don't know.

No, no, no!

The other side.

What difference does it make?

What difference does it make?

Note to self: when dealing with

the irrefutable
scienceof numbers,

don't ask "What difference
does it make?"

If you put it on that
side, it's wrong.

That's the difference.

No!

Wrong!

That's wrong!

Incorrect!

Uh-uh!

No! Incorrect! Eh! Wrong!

Since when does Y equal X?

Are you crazy?!

X does not equal Y!

You carry the
two over the N.

How hard can it be?!

God, Chris, what kind
of answer is that?

The kind you come up with,

with a crazy woman
screaming at you.

You know, maybe Grandma
can help me. We could call her.

No, because she's gonna to tell
you the same thing.

If you can add and
subtract, you can do this.

My mother applied that logic
to a lot of situations.

If you can crack an egg,
you can crack a safe.

Boy, if you can
lace up a sneaker,

then you can
stitch up a chest.

Suture!

If you can jump rope,
you can jump from a plane.

Go!

Oh! Baby!

You forgot your parachute!

No, no! If you
multiply on one side,

you have to multiply
on the other side.

That moment was the closest
I ever came

to giving up
and hitting the pipe.

Mom, can we please take a break?

(sighing):
Okay, baby.

You know what? I think we're
getting a little closer.

I can feel it.

If it's utter despair,
I can I can feel it, too.

While I was trying to find
an answer to my problem,

Drew was trying to dodge
a problem with his answer.

Somebody been sitting
in my chair?

Middle bear.
I don't know. Why?

It's broken, that's why.

Broken? How?

I don't know. I didn't break it.

Are you sure?

'Cause you could've
just broken just now
when you sat down.

Tonya, you been sitting
in my chair?

If that were me, Tonya would've
been telling already.

But for Drew, she had
something better in mind.

Yeah, I sat there.
What happened?

I think you broke it.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

That's all right.

I think I can fix it.

How come you didn't tell?

Because you're going to do
whatever I tell you to do.

And if you don't,
then I'm gonna tell.

Now go get me
some popcorn.

Go ahead.

I wonder if that's how
Hillary Clinton got started.

When the going gets tough,
the tough get going.

So I got going
to grandma's house.

Chris, what are
you doing here?

Hi, Grandma. I need your help.

What's the problem?

Mama, plus me,
times algebra, equals you.

Going behind my mother's back
to get help from my grandmother

made me feel guiltier

than Janet Jackson
at a half-time show.

Don't feel bad, Chris.

I taught Rochelle
everything she knows,

but I didn't teach her
everything I know.

Teaching is a skill.

No different than
flying a plane.

Except you don't fall 35,000
feet to your death.

How come you didn't come to me
in the first place?

She didn't want you to think
that she couldn't do it.

Mm-hmm.

So, I guess you just want
to keep this between me and you.

Could we?

My father had
given Risky a job,

which was turning out
to be a job in itself.

Hey, what's happening, Cooper?

Hey, Coop,
how you doing, man?

Hey.

Let me get a large coffee
and, uh, two butter rolls.

I'm sorry, man.

No coffee today.

What? No coffee?

Somebody broke into
the truck again last night.

Stole the coffeemaker,
they stole the coffee,

they stole the sugar,
they stole the creamer,

they stole the straws,
they stole the stirrers,

they even stole
the Sweet'N Low.

All they left me

was three bags of
Earl Grey tea... and these cups.

I can give you the water, but
you have to heat it yourself.

What if I give you
a new coffeemaker?

Fifteen bucks.

Fifteen bucks?!

Last time, you only
charged me ten.

The time before that,
you charged me 20.

And both times, they looked like

the same
coffeemaker.

What are you doing?

What?
I'm just trying

to make a little extra
money on the side.

Your job here
is unloading papers,

not selling stolen coffee pots.

It's not stolen, it's recovered.

Yeah.

And if you stop
recovering them from me,

I could stop
recovering them for you.

When you're with me,

you got one job:
unloading papers.

I'm not trying
to hurt nobody, man.

We're all in this together.

It's the business cycle.

If he can't sell coffee,
you can't sell papers,

next thing you know,
we're all out of a job.

Twelve bucks!

This time, I want the
coffeemaker, I want a pistol,

and I want some No-Doze.

Go get the coffeemaker.

While Risky was doing
the soft sell,

Tonya was taking a hard line.

Hey, Drew.

What?

My shoe's untied.

So what?

So tie it.

I'm not tying your shoe.
You tie it.

Nah, that's okay.

Maybe I'll just wait
till Daddy gets home

and I'll ask him if
he wants to tie it.

Okay, I'll tie it.

Put it in a bow.

Thank you.

It's a good thing
she can't read minds.

Just because my grandmother
was better at teaching math,

didn't mean I was any better
at learning it.

You're doing that wrong.

What do you mean?

Chris, are you paying attention?

I thought I was.

Pizza is not the only thing

you won't be getting
if you don't pass this class.

What? You want to grow up
to be a toll booth operator?

I did, but E-ZPass
took all the jobs.

What am I gonna have to do
to get you to understand this?

How much longer
do we have to work?

Now, why do you ask?

'Cause the Mets
are about to play.

Oh, so you like baseball, huh?

What's all this?

Ah, well, I figured while
you sell the newspapers,

I open up a whole
new customer base.

How about I open up your skull
with a tire iron?

I can't drive around with a
truck full of stolen goods.

Uh-uh! I'm not a thief.

I'm a wholesaler.

Cut out
the middle man.

How about you cut out
the bail man?

'Cause that's what
we're gonna need.

Have you ever known me to be

in trouble with the law?
Come on, now.

Have you ever known me
to sell radios

out the back of a paper truck?

I'm sorry.

Look, let me just
move this stuff today,

and after that, it'll be
newspapers and only newspapers.

One day.

And that's it.

Thank you.

How much for this?

Back home, my mother
was looking at my test,

and she didn't like the score.

"X" over "2Y",
over square root...

I know I showed him
how to do this right.

Meanwhile, I was
finally getting

into the swing of things.

Okay, Chris, in
yesterday's game,

Darryl Strawberry batted .500
with six at bats.

How many hits did he get?

Okay, "A" equals
the number of at bats,

which is six.

And "B" equals
the batting average.

Which is?
.500.

And .500 equals "H",

which is the number
of hits over six.

So if you multiply both sides
of the equation by six,

you will see that
the number of hits is...

three.

That's right.

(chuckles)

You got three in a row!

Can we do another one?
(knocking)

Okay, you work out another one.

(knocking)

Get this door...

Rochelle?

Mama, I need
your help.

Chris?

Ma?

Stay tuned for
the exciting conclusion

of As The Ghetto Turns.

CHRIS:
When my mother found out

I was going behind
her back for tutoring,

she was her usual
understanding self.

Chris, how come you
just didn't say something

instead of sneaking around?

I mean, what else are you
learning on the side?

English? Science? History?

Where does it stop?!

One day, she caught me
speaking Latin

and kicked me out of the house.

I'm sorry, Ma.

I just needed to get some help.

Oh, so I just rassled you
to the ground

and stopped you from learning?

Rochelle, all you did
was holler at the boy.

My mother was
hollering at her boy

long before it was cool
to holla at your boy.

Is that what you told her?

He didn't have to tell
me, Rochelle, I know you.

You are impatient.

You couldn't teach a rock

how to hit the ground
if you dropped it.

Now, all you got to do
is fall straight down.

Ow!

Didn't I tell you
to hit the ground?!

Are you saying I don't know
how to raise my children?

See, that's another thing:
you don't listen.

Well, if he just
did what I said,

we wouldn't have a problem!

I did what you said.

That's why we're here.

Did you hear what I said?

Better yet,
do you hear yourself?

So, Mama, are you telling me

I don't know what I'm doing?
Yes.

Don't ask me, ask him.

I'll tell her,
and you tell everyone

my last words were
"Thanks a lot, Grandma."

So you're just gonna stand
there, look me in my face

and tell me I didn't help you,

not one little
teeny, tiny little bit.

Yes!
No.

No?
Yes?

Oh.

Okay, well, I'm gonna take
my little behind home.

I had reached the end
of my rope,

and Risky had reached
the end of the road.

Hey, Julius.

Man, where's your uniform?

Yeah, I got to talk
to you about that.

Man, look, I told you, we're not
selling your stuff out here.

Uh...

I'm not going out with you.

I'm gonna have to quit.

Quit? Man, we got work to do!

You can't just up and quit every
time you don't like something.

It works for Terrell Owens.

This ain't my thing.

I'm a businessman.

You can't compete with these
crackheads around here.

You told me that.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Well, what you gonna do?

Get off the streets.

Open up a storefront.

Go legit.

A business?
Yeah.

You?
Yeah!

That's kind of risky, ain't it?

Yeah.

What's in the box?

This is that new stereo
you were looking at.

My way of
saying thanks.

(chuckles):
I appreciate it.

Ah, stop, man, stop.

It's $20.

What?

It was $50.

Back home, Tonya was continuing

to undo the work
of Abraham Lincoln.

Drew, hand me
the remote.

No.

I'm sick of you.

You get it.

Daddy!

Go ahead, call him.

What are you gonna tell him,
that I broke his chair?

Yep.

But you told him you did it.

So if you tell him I did it, I'm
gonna tell Mama you lied on me.

And you're gonna have to tell
her either you lied this time

or you lied that time.

And either way, you lied.

So if I get a beating from him,

you're gonna get
a beating from her.

So you want to tell or you want
to get up and get that remote?

Drew stamped Tonya's blackmail
"Return to sender."

What is it?

Never mind.

Oh, and, uh, while you're up,

make sure you get me
some popcorn.

One standoff down, one to go.

Ma? Are you okay?

I'm fine.

You're not mad?

No. Why would you think that?

Because those mashed potatoes
just started bleeding.

You know I didn't mean
to upset you.

Who's upset?

I'm not upset.

You want to learn algebra
with your grandma,

that's fine by me.
It is?

No, it's not.

Why would you go running
to her instead of me?

What was wrong with the
way I was teaching you?

Everything.
Nothing.

Something.

It's just that the way

you were teaching me,
I couldn't get it.

Well, I was doing
the best I could.

I know, and that's okay.

Because there's a lot of
other things I learn from you.

Yeah?

Yeah, like, uh,

don't put plaids
and stripes together.

And don't leave fake leather
on the radiator,

'cause it'll melt.

And don't answer
the phone past 7:00,

because it's probably
a bill collector.

The advice about white girls
was priceless.

(chuckles)

I'm sorry, baby.

I just wanted to be
the one to help you.

How's everything going?

Better.

Mm-mm, better's not good enough.

We're calling your grandma.

My mother hated to ask
my grandmother for help.

So I knew I had a choice:
learn or die.

Okay, "10N"
equals 40.

"N" equals four.

Huh.

Nine plus "9X" equals nine.

"X" equals zero.

Okay.

144 equals minus 12

times "X" plus five.

Minus 17.

Oh! Good job, baby.

"3N"

minus five equals

negative-eight
times six

plus "5N".

"N" equals negative one.

Oh!

Look like somebody
gonna get some pizza!

If all studying were
rewarded with pizza,

then Charles Barkley
would've won a Nobel Prize.

We waited for the results
of the test.

But I knew for sure that I had

knocked it out of the park.

Chris, you got
every single answer wrong.

What?!

Because of you,
we don't get pizza.

(children clamoring)

Calm down, everybody!

Guys!
Nice going, mud bone.

Wait, how could I get
every single one wrong?

There must be some mistake.

There was.

Unfortunately, you made it.

You answered question
one on line two.

Subsequently, all the answers
that followed were wrong.

Isn't that how Bush
got elected?

If you hadn't done that,
you would've scored 100.

But you did, so you didn't.

This where the pizzas go?

(groans):
Oh.

* Everybody hates Chris.