Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 2 - Everybody Hates the Class President - full transcript

CHRIS ROCK:
At 14, I decided I wasn't gonna
just let things happen to me

like they did before.

I was going to get
some dignity.

I was going to take charge.

Hey...!

Little dude
from across the street.

I know, I know.
You want a dollar.

Thanks, little dude.

I know what you're thinking--

I just got robbed.

But he didn't steal
that money from me,



I gave it to him.

I didn't wait for my father
to make me go get a job,

I went out and got one myself.

I didn't mind sweeping,
but the pedicures had to stop.

Nice job.
Five dollars.

Even at school,
I was determined

to take on a new attitude.

Welcome back,
Boom Boom.

I guess your dreams
weren't your ticket out.

GREG:
Chris!

A lot of bad things happened
to me at Corleone,

but the one good thing
was becoming friends with Greg.

Hey, man, what you been up to?

Same old, same old.



Feels like last year
all over again.

I'm tired of being
pushed around.

I'm tired of people
making fun of me.

I'm tired of getting
my butt kicked.

I'm not gonna
take it anymore.

Wow. Are you a Muslim now?

No.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna run
for class president.

Dude, you're not serious.

Why not?
What have I got to lose?

And this isn't just for me.

This is for us.

How are we ever going
to get any respect?

Get popular?
Get a girl?

Stop getting beat down?

How are we ever gonna get
treated any better

if we don't act like
we deserve it?

Besides, give me one good
reason why I shouldn't run.

( gunshot )

( screaming )

Give me one more reason.

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

* Oh... make it funky now!

So you're really gonna do this?

Yep. All I need to do

is get 30 names on this
petition and I'm in.

I just want to get started

before everyone gets tired
of people asking them.

( bell rings )

Okay, if you're in,
I'm with you.

Good, I need you
to do something.

What?
Anything.

I want you to run with me.

I want you to be
my vice president.

No.
Yeah.

Oh, man.

This is great.

I can work behind
the scenes.

I can influence
the judiciary committee.

I can confer with
the joint chiefs.

Create policy!
Greg...

it's the eighth grade.

I know, but this
is the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

That was until
he met Seven of Nine

at a Trekkie convention.

The question is:

Where are we going
to get 30 signatures?

Simple.

From guys like us.

You mean geeks.

Yeah.

Because my father had the gout,

my mother made sure he got
regular checkups

to make sure nothing else
went wrong.

So what did
the doctor say?

Why don't you have a seat.

The last time he told her
to sit down,

it was when Jody Watley
left Shalamar.

Jody Watley didn't leave
Shalamar again, did she?

Nothing like that.

You know, my gout's
been acting up again,

and the doctor says
I have high blood pressure.

How did you get
high blood pressure?

High blood pressure,
or hypertension

is a distress to
the cardiovascular system

that could be caused by
a variety of factors,

including obesity,
excess salt in the diet,

alcohol abuse,
as well as hereditary factors.

But one of the main causes
of hypertension is stress--

like trying to support
a family of five

on a budget for three.

So what is he trying to say,

that your family
is killing you?

Yes.

No. No. Um...

He just said I need
to reduce my stress.

Baby, what do you have
to be stressed out about?

You have a beautiful wife,

two good jobs,

and three wonderful kids,
a nice home

in Bed-Stuy...

( chuckles )

You're stressed?

I mean, I'm the one
who should be stressed.

I mean, I got to deal
with a house

in the ghetto, three crazy kids,
a man that's

never home,
and now I got to deal

with you and this
high blood pressure.

( scoffing ):
You-You're stressed.

Calm down.

I'll be okay.

I'm fine.

My father hated seeming weak.

He wouldn't admit to a headache

if he had a hatchet
in his head.

Julius, you are
not fine, okay?

You're sick.

No, you're not.
I'm fine.

I'm good.
You're sick.

No, you're not.

No, you're
trying to die.
I'm okay.

I'm good, okay?
Everything.

( breathes deeply )
Good.

Okay, Mr. I'm Good...

well, what are we supposed
to do to reduce your stress?

Well, the doctor says
I'm supposed to participate

in some stress-reducing
activities,

like golf.

Golfing.
Where are you going to golf?

Fishing?
Where you gonna fish,
in Lake Brooklyn?

Hiking?
( chuckles )

Come on, man,
where you going,
Mount Vernon?

Hammocking?
Hammock?

Where are you going to buy
a hammock?

Regular massages?

Oh, you ain't getting
a massage by nobody.

You better price some hammocks.

Stressed.

( muttering ):
Now I got to deal with this...

( "Caribbean Queen"
by Billy Ocean plays )

In 1984, Michael Jackson became
the biggest star on Earth,

but to my sister Tonya,

he couldn't hold a candle
to Billy Ocean.

* She's simply awesome

What are you doing?

I'm learning the steps
from "Caribbean Queen."

There are no steps
to "Caribbean Queen."

Yes, there are.

First he does like this,
then he does like this,

then he does like this,
and then he does this,

and he finishes off
with this.

He also does the moonwalk,

but I don't know how
to do that yet.

Billy Ocean doesn't moonwalk.

That's Michael Jackson's move.

Where do you think
Michael got it from?

Peg Leg Bates.
I know how to moonwalk.

Will you show me
how to do it?

First, let me see
what you're doing.

( giggling ):
That's not the moonwalk.

You look like
you're trying to scrape

doo-doo
off your shoes.

Shut up! Nobody asked you!
Get out!

Getting my campaign going
was hard.

It's not like my daddy was
the class president before me.

Man, only eight
signatures?

I thought
at least the nerds

would support us.

Even they go for
the cool people.

Look at this.
Ms. Marello gave it to me.

What?
It's a popularity poll.

They took
a popularity poll?

And focus groups.

Basically, it says we can't get
on the ballot running together.

What are you
talking about?

We appeal
to the same base.

Carol, Warren,
Terrence Ping.

But we can't
let this stop us.

We have to keep trying.

What are we supposed to do,
just get popular?

Look at him.
He's popular.

DiPaolo?

He's as dumb
as a rock.

Hey, Chris!

How do you spell "spell"?

S-P-E-L-L.

He might be dumb,
but people like him.

They said the same thing
about Fabio.

Chris...

can I speak to you
for a moment?

Sure.

About what?

I know you're having
a tough time

getting on that ballot,

but I think you
have a real chance

at becoming
class president

if you really want it.
What do you mean?

You need to rise above
your ghetto mentality.

Ghetto mentality?
I don't have a ghetto mentality.

You do, Chris.

A psychological ghetto.

You won't get
supporters

because you don't get out
of your comfort zone.

I'm sure all
your athlete

and dancer friends
have signed on, but what now?

You need to reach out,
broaden your appeal.

And how am I supposed
to do that?

I don't know.

But I'm confident
you'll figure it out.

And remember, Chris:

Up with hope,
down with dope.

Yes, that's one bedroom
at $425 a month.

Rochelle with two "L"s.

All right, thank you.

Where are you going?

The biggest change for
my mother was that she decided

to do something she hadn't done
in years-- keep a job.

Normally, she would do this.

( whistle blows )

Come on! Let's go!

Move this ugly car out the way!

Hey...!

What in the hell are you doing?!

I don't need this mess!

My man has two jobs!
Two!

Now she was doing this.

And who was that
on the phone?

The newspaper.

I took out an ad
for a new tenant.

A new tenant?
Rochelle...
Mm-hmm.

We had tried renting out
the apartment upstairs before,

but every time we did,
we had a problem.

One lady had a crazy dog.

No, no! No, no!
( barking )

Ms. Parnell! No!

No! No, n-n-n-n-no!

( screams ):
Aah...!

Then we had Levi the weed guy.

Levi!

( reggae music plays )

What-a want?

You got to leave.

What's wrong, man?

My kids are high.

The Fong family tried
to turn the apartment

into a Chinese restaurant.

Mr. Fong!

Mr. Fong, what is this?!

( speaks Chinese )

Man, I'm not getting
to the back of the line.

Man, you got to
shut this down

and get the hell
out of here.

And give me a number six.

Number six.
Ooh, very good.

( yells in Chinese )

What you getting?

Wait, wait, wait, look.
You don't have to do this.

I'll be okay.
I mean...

All I need to do...

Baby, just let me do
what I got to do.

Rochelle...

Now just go lay down.

Go.

Lay down!

After another checkup,
my father was trying to get

my mother to let up,
but the pressure was on.

Chris, pass the salt.

What, are you trying
to kill yourself?

( sighs )

Where's the skin?

Baby, I had
to take it off.

You just gonna give me
naked chicken?

How you supposed
to be reducing

my stress, by starving me?

Now I'm worried
about being hungry.

You're worried about everybody
else stressing me out;

you're stressing me out.

What?

I'm stressing you out?

I'm bending
over backwards

trying to make things
easy for you

and I'm stressing you out.

Okay.

Fine.

That face means
"What did I say that for?"

You know what?

You can eat what
you want to eat,

do what you want to do.

You don't have
to worry about me

stressing you out anymore.

( pots clanging )

You gonna eat that skin?

After what Ms. Morello
had told me,

I knew there was only one way
I was gonna broaden my appeal.

I've been thinking
about the popularity poll.

Take a look at this.
I've got it all worked out.

So do I.

You're off the ticket.

Go to commercial
before both of us start crying.

CHRIS ROCK:
I hated having to sacrifice
my friendship with Greg

to get on the ballot,
but I knew it would only happen

if I could get the most popular
person I could find.

Vice president?

Yeah. With me.

We can be like Bobby Jones
and Henry Bibby on the Sixers.

Can we be like
Kevin McHale

and Dennis Johnson
on the Celtics?

Okay.

What do I have to do?
Nothing.

Cool.

JULIUS:
Hey, everybody.

I'm... home.

Back at home,
my father never had it harder

than when my mother
let him take it easy.

Hey, baby.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

There is nothing going on
in this house.

When my mother said
nothing was going on,

here's what it meant
to my father:

( roaring )

You didn't make me
something to eat?

No, I didn't want
to stress you out.

You good? Good.

( smacks lips )

I still got to eat.

After trying to moonwalk
like Billy Ocean,

Tonya was moving one step
forward and two steps back.

( sighing ):
Drew.

What?

Can you teach me to moonwalk?

I can't get it.

Why do you like Billy Ocean
so much, anyway?

Because, he's the greatest
entertainer in history.

He's not better
than Michael Jackson.

Shoot, he's way better
than Michael Jackson.

I bet you in the future,
20 years from now,

nobody's going to remember
who Michael Jackson is.

That's why I'm not going
to teach you

how to do
the Michael Jackson moonwalk.

It's the Billy Ocean moonwalk.

Michael Jackson stole it.

Fine. Have it your way.

Drew, wait.

Can you help me, please?

( chuckling ):
I was just joking.

Play the tape.

Drew was always good
at pretty much everything.

We're just glad
he never liked Riverdance.

( pop funk beat playing )

* Whoo!

* Ah.

* She dashed by me
in painted-on jeans *

Then after you turn...
do this.

See?

* And all heads turned

Cool. That's right.
*'Cause she was the dream

( laughing )
That's not right yet.

Your left foot.

*In the blink of an eye
Now one more thing.

* I knew her number
and her name *

Move your hand
like this.

* Yeah

* Ow!

* She said I was the tiger
she wanted to tame *

Like this?
Almost.

It's like this.
See?
( laughs )

*Caribbean queen
Good.

* Now we're sharing...

( applause and cheering )

I was surprised how well things
were going for me,

but that wasn't
the only surprise I got.

Also securing their position
as candidates

are Joey Caruso and his new
vice presidential running mate,

Greg Wuliger.

( applause and cheering )

What's the matter,
McAdoo.

Thought you were
the only one

who knew how to balance
a ticket?

( scoffs )

At school, the heat was on,
but at home,

my dad was still getting
the cold shoulder.

Mama,
are you mad at Daddy?

My parents tried to never fight
in front of us,

but we always knew
what was going on.

No.

So how come we didn't
wait for him to eat?

Because you should eat your food

and mind your business,
that's why.

CHRIS:
Ma.

These vegetables
taste funny.

DREW:
Yeah, and why are they

so hard?

Yeah, and why are
they so green?

That's because they're fresh.

You know, they're
not out of a can. Eat.

I like canned
vegetables better.

Almost everything we ate
came out of cans.

Bacon and eggs.

Hamburger and fries.

We even had ice cream
and birthday cake in a can.

( sighs )

Hey, Dad.
Hey, Dad.

Hey. All right.

( sighs )

Let's see.

( chuckles )
Whoo.

All right.

Now this
is what I'm talking about.

He's talking
about a heart attack.

Thank you, baby.

Pork chops, steak,
fried chicken,

gravy,
mac and cheese--

this is how to relax.

Mmm.

Mmm! Mmm.

What's that for?

If you feel like you're
about to keel over and die,

you can call the
hospital for help,

'cause I don't want
to stress you out.

( sucks teeth )

Enjoy.

* Got to give the people

* Now

* Give the people
what they want *

* Well, well... well, well

* Don't you know
you got to give the people *

* Give the people
what they want *

* Well, I done been
all over the world *

* And everybody feels the same

* It's a unanimous decision...

The only thing I hated more
than running against Greg

was seeing him run with Caruso.

I had kicked him off my team,

and now I had to play
against him.

Kind of like Shaq and Kobe.

* Give it up

* Give the people
what they want. *

ROCHELLE:
No!
CHRIS ROCK:
My father found out

the only thing harder

than dealing with my mother
was being left alone.

( laughing )
Who's that?

Vanessa.
Hey, Vanessa.

Julius said, "Hey."
Hey.

Uh-huh.

Have you seen
my other uniform?

I didn't mess with it;
I didn't want to stress you out.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

( laughs )

No. No, no, you wanted me
to say it, now, didn't you?

What's all this?

That's your stuff.

You did?

My father never knew
when he was starting a war

with my mother, and that's why
he never won them.
Yes!

Yes, girl,
you know...
Rochelle?

Let me call you back.

What?

Stop it. Okay?

I got high blood pressure.

What do you want me to do?

I don't know, Julius;
what do you want me to do?

I don't know, but
you running around
not talking to me

and making me
wear dirty clothes

and letting me eat
by myself

ain't helping a thing.

( sighs )
I don't need you
to be mad at me.

I was just trying
to help you out.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Look, from now on,
I'll try to relax.

I'll try to eat better.

Julius, if you are
not in this house,

this place will fall apart.

And then,
the next thing you know,

our kids will wind up
in the streets.

Drew may wind up in jail,

then I'm going to lose my job
going to his court cases.

And you know
I'm going to do

what I have to do
to make ends meet.

And if you think I'm going
to jail for welfare fraud,

you got another thing coming.

So, yes, Julius, we really,
really need to think about this.

We need to know
what we got to do.

We'll do what we always do:
deal with it.

I love you.
( sighs )

We'll make it work.
My father never did change
his diet.

He didn't do yoga,

never took up golfing,
didn't even get a hammock.

What he did was find one
of the cheapest,

medically approved ways
of reducing stress:

earplugs.

*Happy feelings in the air...
( muffled chatter )

I love you so much, baby.

Can I get that
massage, now?

You want a six-iron
upside your head?

( Tonya screaming )

( Billy Ocean's
"Caribbean Queen" playing )

Yes!

What? What's wrong, baby?

I did it, I got it!
What?

I can dance like Billy Ocean--
I can do the moonwalk.

Billy Ocean?

I thought Michael Jackson
did the moonwalk.

Michael Jackson stole it.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh!
( laughs )

Look at her.

Whoo!

* She dashed by me

*In painted-on jeans...
It's Hammer time.

JULIUS:
Yeah, that's my girl.

The hardest thing
about winning at any cost

is that sometimes
that price gets way too high.

I was already paying
that price,

but I didn't know
that Greg was, too.

Hey.
Hey.

What happened?

You don't want to know.

If I was going to get
my friend back,

I knew I had to get
out of my comfort zone

and do something bold.

I'm sorry.

About what?

About everything.

I just wanted things
to be different.

Sometimes, I think you
don't know how it is for me.

You might think I'm different,

but I'm not, not really.

I don't get this.

Caruso tore them down.

And when everyone got here
tomorrow,

they were going to blame you
and ruin your campaign.

I wouldn't help, so Caruso
kicked me off his ticket.

Hey.

It's okay, leave them.

Not going to make
any difference.

What do you mean?

I'm going to drop out.

I didn't know
it would be like this.

I didn't know
it would be this hard.

I didn't want to win
an election and lose a friend.

No, you have
to stay in.

What for?
"What for?"

Because you're not just
doing this for yourself,

you're doing it for us.

You said it yourself.

You're tired of us
being pushed around.

You're tired of people
always making fun of us.

Remember? You're not
going to take it anymore.

That's what you said.

Later that year,
Oprah ran into Greg at Kmart.

He gave her the same speech,
and the rest is history.

I don't want to run without you,
and together, we can't win.

Who cares?

Run with DiPaolo.

Let me be your
campaign manager.

Campaign manager?

Yeah. We can do this.

I'll manipulate
the press corps.

I'll contact the
foreign media outlets.

Greg? It's the eighth grade.

So are you in?

Let's do this.

Taking charge wasn't as easy
as it sounded,

but I was going to run
for president,

and if nothing else,
I finally had some dignity.

* Everybody hates Chris.