Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 12 - Everybody Hates Hall Monitors - full transcript

CHRIS ROCK:
One of the biggest problems

I had in school
was I got no respect.

People disrespected
me at lunch.

Hey! That's my roll.

Shut up.

They disrespected me
in the halls.

Hey, man,
that's my coat.

Shut up!

(fire alarm ringing)

They even disrespected me
during fire drills.

Oh, Chris, you
go back inside



and make sure
nothing valuable burns.

I tried to make friends.

I even ran for office.

I just couldn't
get any respect.

Hey!
Shut up.

You. Pick those up.

What if I don't?

The only kids in school
that got respect from everyone

were the hall monitors.

I'll put you
in detention so long,

your kids will get
out of school before you.

Hall monitors were the closest
thing we had to the police.

They couldn't arrest you,
but they could write you up.

Thanks.



Oh, and if you're black,
they could shoot you.

You need to be in class.

All right.

Being on the wrong side
of a hall monitor

was like being
on the wrong side of the law.

Nobody messed
with those guys.

What you going
to do now... Coco Puff?

The only thing I could do--

join the few, the proud,
the hall monitors.

Captioning sponsored by

Captioning sponsored by

Man, a hall monitor.

How'd you get in?

Jesse Jackson
threatened a boycott.

Oh, I asked Mrs. Milone.

She said as long as
I kept my grades up,

there'll be no problem.

Man, I always wanted

to be a hall monitor.

What Greg imagined
hall monitors did

and what they actually did
were two different things.

Hall Dog One to Hall Dog Two.

I have a group of
violators. Sector one.

On my signal... Go! Go! Go!

Hall monitors! Down!

Get on the ground! Go!

That's what happens to punks

who linger
after the second bell.

Book 'em, guys.

We got a runner!

This is so awesome.

Yeah, I know, and
the best thing is,

I'm finally going
to get some respect.

Watch out, Othello.

It'll be different when
you get your armband on.

Yeah, if I wrap it
around a baseball bat.

When my mother worked,
she had two jobs--

her job and complaining
about her job.

You will not believe
what this woman

did at my job today.

Did she wake anybody up?

What?

When I first walked in,

she had the nerve
to smile in my face

and then look up at the clock,

and say, "Ooh,
train running late?"

I don't know who
she thinks she is,

but she is not my boss.

Every time my mother
got a new job,

there was always
someone she hated.

At the hospital, it was Tammy.

So Tammy says to set

the defibrillator to 200.

I know how to set

the defibrillator.

I'm gonna defibrillate her.

At the fire station,
it was Betty.

That damn Betty

set the water pressure

at a hundred pounds

per square inch,

when she know
I told her to set it

at 130 pounds per square inch.

I should've turned
the hose on her.

And at NASA, it was Belinda.

Can you believe that heifer?

I told her to set
the aft booster

at 25,000 feet per second,

and she looked at
me like I'm crazy.

Now, if we would've got stuck
in the ionosphere,

she would've been like, "Oh,
well, what we gonna do now?"

More Tang?

And at the office,
it was Charmaine.

And then when
I got back from lunch,

she done move my stapler.

Talking about, "That's
not where it goes."

I told her I put it there,

so that's where it goes.

He didn't hear a word she said.

Come on, baby, get up.

You gotta get ready for work.

He's up, woman.

Chris, your job begins
the moment the bell rings.

I know, and I'm supposed
to keep things orderly.

If anyone breaks a rule,

I'm supposed
to issue a citation.

The first citation is
considered a warning.

The second is detention,

The third is suspension.

And most importantly,
after that second bell rings,

any student out in the hall

has to have
a hall pass.
Correct.

Here is your citation book

and your armband.

Good luck.

Now, what if I give
someone a citation

but they don't want to take it?

Issue them a citation.

But if they didn't take
the first citation,

why would they take the second?

If you get a citation
for not taking a citation,

that's another citation and
that's an automatic suspension.

But what if...?

If you have
any more questions,

pretend I'm still here

and I said, "Issue a citation."

I'd like to issue a citation
upside her head.

Tonya tried playing
with me and Drew,

but we would never cooperate.

Mama.

What?

Chris and Drew won't play right.

This is how we played dolls.

Hey, anybody want
to play dolls with me?

Sure.
Sure.

I know your style,
Bed-Stuy Dragon Fist.

I know your style,
Park Slope Flying Tiger.

(imitating kung fu combat)

Stop.

It's not funny.

This is how
we played hopscotch.

Go, fish.

(loud yell)

Y'all stop! Ma!

And this is how
we played jump rope.

(yells)
(laughs)

You play too much. Come on.

No, you're the one messing up.

I'm not doing nothing.

Shut up.
Shut up.

Ahh!

Ah!

Stop!

Ma!

Get o me!

Tonya, why don't you invite
some friends

to come over to play?

Because you say you ain't want
none of those raggedy kids

in your house.

She actually said something

much worse than "raggedy."

Fine. You can have some
friends over, but keep them

out of my room,
out of my kitchen

and out of my way,
and don't bring

that little crazy
girl over here.

Thanks, Ma.

Hey, where
you going?

You're not finished yet.

Get back over here.

So, for the first time
in her life,

Tonya had friends.

A lot of people
don't know this,

but Billy Ocean
invented the moonwalk.

And it almost killed her.

And his real name
is Leslie Charles.

Did you know in Africa

and Europe, they
changed the lyrics

to "African" and
"European Queen"?

And in Puerto Rico,

they changed it
to "Drama Queen."

Oh.

Hey, Drew.

DREW:
Hi.
What are you watching?

Duel of the
Iron Fist.

Ooh, I like Duel
of the Iron Fist.
Liar.

Want to watch?

No, that's all right.

That day, my sister learned
something I already knew.

When it came to Drew,

you could kiss your
girlfriends good-bye.

(school bell ringing)

It was exciting knowing
for the first time,

I wasn't going
to get walked on,

stepped over or pushed around.

I was finally going
to get some respect.

Hey, you! Stop running.
Shut up.

He must not have
seen my armband.

Hey, no gum-chewing
in school.

Shut up!
Shut up!

Hey, no rough housing
in the halls.

Shut up.
Shut up.

You'd better listen
or else I'm gonna

have to give you a citation.

A'ight.
Well, that's better.

Ow! Oh, no. Oh!

No. Uh-uh. No! No. No, no.

No, not the locker, not the
locker, not the locker! No!

No! You can't
do this to me!

I'm a hall monitor!

Now I'm a locker monitor.

CHRIS:
Greg. Greg.

Come here.

Thanks, man.

What happened to you?

Tried to give these
guys a citation

and they shoved me
in the locker.

I'm not surprised.

I mean, just look at
your body language.

What body language?

It screams, "Ignore me."

Your shoulders
are hunched over.

You're staring at the ground
and you sound like a girl.

Let me have that.

I don't sound like a girl.

You hear like a girl.

And throw like a girl,
run like a girl

and scream like a girl.

I'm just saying--
people can hear

the fear in your voice.

If you want to
give out citations,

you have to give them out
like you mean it.

What is that for?

It's my thing.

Kojak had a lollipop
and I got this.

Hey!

What?

How many times
do I have to tell you?

No gum-chewing in the halls.

You never told us
no gum-chewing.

I'm telling you now.

Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.

That explains
why Greg didn't get

a date until he was 20.

See?
Well, if you're
so good at it,

why don't you
become a hall monitor?

Who am I kidding?
Study hall is safer.

Want this?

No, I'll get my own.

While I was learning
how to deal with people,

Tonya was dealing
with being alone.

Where are all your friends?

I told them
they couldn't come over.

Why?

Because

they like you better than me.

Later on,
my father had evacuated

to avoid Hurricane Rochelle.

Man, you will not believe
what that wench did today.

Julius?

Unfortunately for my dad,

my mother needed to talk.

Julius?

And she needed to talk to him.

Julius?

She was like a bloodhound
looking for a prisoner.

Julius.

Huh? What?

What are you doing in here?

Oh, I was making the bed
and then I feel asleep.

Liar.

Oh, let me tell you
what Charmaine did today.

So she says to me, "Did you just
get your hair done?"

And she said it just like that.

And then she passes me the card
to her hairdresser

and says, "Ooh, you know, girl,
you should go to him.

He's real good."

I mean she got
some nerve.

Her hair so short, she can't
even roll it with rice.

I'm telling you, she got
one more time.

Maybe she thought
you'd like her hairdresser.

Uh-oh.

Are you defending her?

No. Um, I just thought...
maybe you took it wrong.

I took it wrong?

She asked me if I just
got my hair done

and then hands me a card
to her hairdresser.

That's like somebody
asking you if you
just took a shower

and then handing you
a bar of soap.

I was just trying to help.

Help who?

The woman has been messing with
me since the day I got there.

Now you're telling me
I'm taking it wrong?

Oh, no, she gonna take it wrong

when I knock her
over her block head.

Calm down.

Calm down?

Why should I calm down?

Oh, so I guess
you're going to
take sides with her, too.

Next thing I know, you're gonna
be passing me a card

to her hairdresser.

Why you getting
mad at me?

This woman hands you a card
and you trying to start a fight.

I am not trying
to start a fight.

She's the one trying
to start a fight.

I don't care who's trying
to start a fight.

I'm trying to get some sleep.

Well, I am so sorry for trying
to have a conversation

with my husband!

I've learned that when dealing
with a woman

who has a problem, the last
thing she wants from a man

is a solution.

Later I was thinking
about Greg.

And I wondered how my heroes
would handle

being a hall monitor.

I thought about how
Mr. T would handle it.

I pity the fool who doesn't
have a hall pass.

I thought about how
Dirty Harry would handle it.

I know what you're thinking...

Was that the first bell
or the second bell?

Well, you have to ask
yourself one question--

do you feel lucky?

Well, do you, punk?

I even thought about how
the Terminator would handle it.

No citation...
I'll be black.

If I was going to get
any respect,

I had to act like
I deserved it.

Tuck in your shirt.

That felt good.

Hey!

You want to fight
so bad,

fight the power.

That felt even better.

Run by here again, you're going
to get more than a citation.

No shades.

He's blind.

No snacks.

Hey, didn't you see me
come down just now?

Yeah.

So what, you're not going
to slap my books out of my hand

call me Chim-Chim,
Yafat and Roscoe?

Oh, I, uh, I got
to go to class.

Oh.

Well, take this with you.

What's this for?

I don't know, Bing,
you tell me.

I wonder if this is how
the first black cop felt.

Hey, pick that up!

Pick up the citation, too!

She must think
she lost her mind.

Take off your hat.

With that citation book
and an armband,

I had the power
to run this joint.

Hey, you, where's
your hall pass?

Oh, hey, man, you had
me worried there for a minute.

Greg, where's your hall pass?

Funny, man.

I'm not joking.

You're writing me up?

It's my job.

Nice work.

The citation doesn't seem
like a big deal,

but it kept Greg from getting
a job with the FBI.

I thought I had just
done my job,

but Greg thought I had
done a job on him.

Greg.

So what are you doing
for lunch tomorrow?

Staying out of the hallways,
that's what I'm doing.

Listen, I was just
doing my job.

I was using the bathroom.
You could have used
your discretion.

Listen, I didn't want
people to think

that I was going to be
soft on you just because
you were my friend.

You don't have to worry
about that anymore.

Half the school thinks
you're crazy.

You're like a dog with
citation rabies.

We're all scared of you.

Well, it's better
than when people
weren't scared of me.

Even Caruso's
leaving me alone.

I used to respect you.

Even though you got picked on,
made fun of and left out,

at least you knew
who you were.

Yeah, I was the kid
who got picked on,

made fun of and left out.

Greg.

I'm eating lunch by myself.

Chris.

Can I speak to you for a moment?

Yeah.

So, Chris, I hear our newest
hall monitor

is making a big impression.

Thanks.

Chris, we're friends, right?

Yeah...

No.

I'm not part of the
hall monitor program.

But, as a friend, I think
you should slow down a bit.

Why?

You just said I was impressive.

To me, yes.

But to the rest
of the students...

well, they hate you.

They've always hated me.

True, but they used to hate you
because you were black.

Now they hate you because
you're acting like a jerk.

And because I'm black.

So what do you mean?

You judo-flipped Rodney
for wearing a hat.

And I'm just doing my job.

I know how aggressive
the downtrodden can get

when they get a little taste
of power.

But, Chris,

you're just a hall monitor.

Calm down.

While I was thinking about
who I had turned into,

my father was worried about
what he was walking into.

Hey, babe.

You know, I don't
understand why you

just can't
listen to me.

I'm upset and I want to talk
about what happened at work.

I listen to you

when you complain
about work.

My father never complained
about work

no matter what happened.

One time he ran into a wall.

How was work, honey?

Fine.

One time he got held up.

Oh, how was
work, honey?

Fine.

One time he got
his head cut off.

So how was work?

Fine.

Chris, let me get
a piece of that bacon.

I was just making
a suggestion.

Do you think I stayed married
for 14 years

because I need suggestions?

If I needed suggestions,

I'll get a suggestion box.

I need for somebody
to listen to me.

I'm telling you, if Charmaine
says one more thing to me

I'm going to strangle her.

He knows exactly how
she feels right now.

So, you just want me
to listen to you?

Yes, baby.

I need to know that
you're on my side.

While my dad was trying
to see it my mom's way,

Drew was trying
not to be seen.

Up, side, pull, pull.

Up, side, pull, pull.

Up, side, pull, pull.

Funny, Drew never stayed
out of the way

when I had girls over.

Later I was trying to learn
what R-E-S-P-E-C-T meant to me.

Dad, how do you
get respect?

Respect?
You got to earn it.

How do I do that?

By being the type of person
that deserves respect.

But what if I am and people
still don't respect me?

If you were,
then that wouldn't happen.

But how am I supposed
to earn respect

if people
don't respect me?

Respect yourself.

And how am I supposed
to do that?

Do you respect me?

Sure.

But what if you didn't?

Then what would I do?

Break my arm.

That wouldn't make you
respect me, Chris.

That would make you
scared of me.

When you respect people,
you aren't afraid of them.

When you're afraid of them,
you don't respect them.

I'm afraid I don't know
what you're talking about.

Since my mother
stopped talking,

my father started listening.

How was work today?

That's all she needed to hear.

You won't believe
what happened today.

What happened?

Well, see, I was supposed to
take my lunch break at 1:00,

but then all of a sudden
Charmaine decides

that she wants to go at 12:30.

12:30?

Mm-hmm. She did it on purpose,
too.

She knew I was hungry
and didn't have a break.

And she knew that?

Mm-hmm. And not only
did she take it for one hour,

she took it for an hour
and eight minutes.

An hour and eight minutes?

Yes. I told you
she was crazy.

Yeah, she's crazy.

Going to leave at 12:30 for
an hour and eight-minute lunch

and you ain't had a break.
See, that's
what I'm saying.

Ooh.
Crazy.

What's wrong with her?
I don't know.

Little did my mother know,
somewhere across town,

this was happening.

Then Rochelle had the
nerve to tell me,

"Charmaine, when it comes
to makeup, less is more."

Less is more?

And she had the nerve
to answer my phone,

and you know don't nobody
answer my phone but me.

She answers your phone?

And now my typewriter
ribbon is missing.

I know Rochelle got
my ribbon.

I can't prove it, but
I know she got it.

She talked about your makeup,
answers your phone

and stole your
typewriter ribbon?
Mm-hmm.

I told you
that woman was crazy.
Hmm.

Hey.

Hey.
Listen, I just want to say

I'm sorry about the
whole citation thing.

Guess I just got
carried away.

Yeah, no kidding.

So I'll see
you later?

Chris.

Yeah?

Want to grab
a slice for lunch?

Yeah.

Now I knew what
my father meant.

I was never afraid of Greg,
but I sure did respect him.

What about your
hall monitor post?

I quit.

Why?

Either people are
going to respect me

because I'm Chris
or they're not.

Either way,
I'm still me.

That's cool.

So who's going
to replace you?

Don't know, don't care.

Here you go.

What's this?

W-W-B-- walking while black.

* Everybody hates Chris.