Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 10 - Everybody Hates Kris - full transcript

(Run-DMC's "Christmas in Hollis"
intro plays)

CHRIS ROCK:
Christmas in Bed-Stuy
was a magical time.

There was snow, there were
twinkling lights.

Something about the holidays
brought out the best in people.

People in the neighborhood
were more generous...

Merry Christmas,
here's your scarf.

I threw in a free
gift wrapping.

Here's your insulation.

Watch your step.

Happy holidays.
Thank you.

They seemed more concerned
about the needy...



I know you lost
your man, Mrs. Roberts.

But with a body like that,

I know Santa's going
to bring you another one.

And everyone had
that Christmas spirit.

This Christmas tree-- $5.00.

Hey, hey, hey!
Give me that money!

Even if it belonged
to somebody else.

(yells)

Holiday cheer
was going all around.

But there was something else
going around the city--

the flu.

Ma, do we have to
wear all this stuff?

Yes.

There's a bad strain
of the flu going around



and I don't need
anybody getting sick.

Feel like my throat
is a little scratchy.

But we already
got our flu shots.

You did, but Chris didn't.

Chris, I want you
to meet me after school

so you can get yours.

But in the meantime,

I want you to stay away
from other kids.

Don't touch anything,

don't even breathe
unless you have to.

Now go.
Go, go, go.

If it was up to my mother,

she would've sent me
to school like this.

Looks like I should be
selling subway tokens.

For me, this was going to be
the best Christmas ever.

Because I was working at Doc's,

I could afford actual presents
for my family,

not the crappy kind kids make.

A Play-Doh skillet.

You shouldn't have.

Papier-mâché work boots.

I love it.

What's this,
a fruitcake?

No, it's a vegetable cake.

I ain't eating that.

(sniffs)

In my neighborhood,
we had layaway,

where you paid off $5.00 a week
until you owned something.

It was like having a credit
card and a hostage situation,

all rolled into one.

I was getting presents
on layaway

and a shot to keep
the flu away.

God, I hope they hurry up,
so we can get inside

before they start
reusing the needles.

(sneezes)

Sorry about that.

You getting a
flu shot, too?

Yeah.
Make mine a double.

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* Oh... make it funky now!

(piano plays, kids sing):
* Silent night

At school, the holiday brought
out the school choir.

* Holy night

* All is calm...

(sneezes)

Ow.

Pull it together, Smokey.

I don't want to be here all day.

Okay, okay.

This time, sing it with feeling.

You're singing about
an impoverished family,

living in the ghetto,

who gave birth to their
firstborn child in a manger.

Chris, you can relate

to this, can't you?

Not really.

All right, give me a minute

and then we'll try it again.

(sneezes)

You don't look so good.

Are you getting sick?

'Cause you've got
to be careful.

The flu's going around
and it's no joke.

My father has it,
and last night,

it sounded like
he coughed up a lung.
I can't get sick.

I need to work, so I can get
my presents out of layaway.

This year,
I went all out.

I got everybody something
that they really wanted.

Like what?

A Billy Ocean tea set!
Thanks, Chris.

A Wayne Gretzky hockey game!
Thanks, Chris.

The Young and the Restless
soundtrack

featuring "Nadia's Theme"?!

Thanks, Chris.

Patti Labelle's
"New Attitude" perfume?!

Thank you, Chris.

(inhales deeply)

Wow, that's a lot of stuff.

Sounds expensive.

It is; I got it
from Goldstein's.

What?

Are you crazy?

I don't even shop there
and I'm white.

Okay...

Well, I need to pay $35
before Christmas Eve

or else they're
gonna sell it.

(sneezes)

I'm warning you.

TEACHER:
Bless you.

Oh, poor Chris.

Winters can be so tough
when you can't afford heat.

I've got heat.

Okay, let's try it again.

Greg, would you start us off?

(piano plays)
* Silent night...

Rochelle!

Whenever Christmas came around,

my father always
picked up extra work,

so he could afford presents.

Christmas tree?

No, thank you.

Hanukkah bush?
No, thanks.

Kwanzaa stump?

What'd you call me, man?!

Hey, uh, free trees, man.

They didn't always work out,

but he never stopped trying.

You're looking at
Goldstein's

newest Santa Claus.

New Santa?!
What happened to the old Santa?

They just keep coming.

Lines and lines of children.

Thousands of them.

Where are they
coming from?!

Let me go!

All these kids.
Mommy!

Look at the line!
Let me go!

So, a black Santa, huh?
Yeah!

He could tell them
he's from the South Pole.

Drew and Tanya hadn't been on
their best behavior all year,

so they decided to try
to make up for it

by helping my mother
during the holidays.

It was kind of like campaigning
for gifts.

They helped with cleaning...

(TV playing in background)

Move, boy.

(laughing)

They helped with cooking.

After this, I can
take out the trash.

And I can help you
with the dishes.

Okay.

They even tried to help
with things

my mother didn't want
help with.

BOTH:
You need any help?

No.

You sure?

(door bangs)
No, boy!

Get away from
the damn door.

Ooh, I want this.

Ooh, and I want this.

Hey.

What are you guys doing?

Nothing.
Nothing.

You need any help?

No, I'm fine.

Well, if you need anything,
just let us know.

She needs you to
act like this in March.

So, Doc, what are you
doing for the holidays?

Well, I'm not falling
into that Christmas trap,

that's for sure.

What Christmas trap?

Commercializing Christmas.

People buyin' things
they can't afford...

bein' broke before
the year come in.

Uh-uh, not me.

So you don't celebrate
Christmas?

Oh, I celebrate
Christmas.

I love me some Christmas.

It's supposed to be
Jesus' birthday.

So I say a prayer.

Happy birthday, Jesus.

And I have a piece of cake.

This year is seven-layer
chocolate cake.

(sneezes)

Boy, cover your mouth.

Stop sneezing on Jesus.

What's the matter, you sick?

No, I'm fine.

All right, then.

Here's your Christmas bonus.

Whoa, thanks, Doc.

There must be, like,
$50 in here.

No, it's $75.

Now you can play video games
till the cows come home.

Yeah, but what are these?

What, they're
game tokens.

You didn't think I was
giving you quarters, did you?

Yes.

No.
Thanks, Doc.

Doc took the expression

"a token of my appreciation"
literally.

Hey, Dad,
you want some coffee?

Sure.

And some cream?

Just a little.

Wow, you guys are really

helping out
a lot lately.

No problem.
No problem.

Since I was strapped for cash,

I knew there was one thing
I could ask my father for--

a J-O-B.

Oh, you look so cute.

I got him a job

taking pictures of me and
the kids down at Goldstein's.

Oh!
You look stupid.

You look stupid.

You look like an elf and you're
not even wearing a costume.

Hey...

(sneezes)

ROCHELLE:
Mm!

You're not getting sick,
are you?

Yes.

No.
Just in case,

take some of that cough
syrup before we leave.

Okay.

Ma, is there any more bacon?

Here.

Take that.

Hey, I was going
to eat that.

When you get a job,
I'll give it back.

That's called slave justice.

My mother thought Tanya and
Drew's behavior

was too good to be true.

And she was right.

I knew it.

Knew what?

Drew and Tanya trying
to pull something.

Look at this.

"Malibu Barbie
dream house,

"Easy Bake Oven,
Mm-hmm.

an electric train,
samurai sword..."

They must think I'm
Santa Claus for real.

That's what's wrong
with kids nowadays.

Christmas comes, they
don't think about giving.

All they can think
about is getting.

Well, we can't afford this.

What are we going to do?

I'm going to ask Santa
for some new kids.

He asked for that last year.

Chris!

Come on.

Okay.

I had to make sure
I didn't get sick,

even if I had to drink
cough syrup

like a rapper from Houston.

While my dad was trying to
figure out what he could give,

the kids at Goldstein's
were trying to figure out

what they could get.

So, what can Santa give
you for Christmas?

A Malibu Barbie with
a pink, remote-control Corvette,

the Barbie townhouse,

and the Barbie
swimming pool.

Whoo! Do you know how much
all that stuff costs?

No.

Well, Santa's going to tell you.

It costs $137.16.

Do you have that
kind of money?

No.

Well, neither does Santa.

(crying)

Welcome to my world, kid.

CHRIS:
Merry Christmas.

(crying)

Who's next?

(coughing)
All right.

Oh, look at
this big guy!

Oh! There you go!

Now, what would
you like Santa

to get you for Christmas?

I want an Easy Bake oven.

An electric train set.

I would like Hot Wheels.

A puppy.

Eyesight?

Hmm. That sounds
expensive.

Do you know how
much a puppy costs?

Does that come with a
easy-to-pay gas bill?

Do you know they cost
as much as a real car?

Now, how you going to
pay for this eyesight?

Do you really want your parents
to work themselves to the bone

just to get you
a train set

you're going to quit
playing with after a week?

What if this
puppy grows up,

gets rabies,
bites somebody...?

And you ain't going
to be satisfied

with just one Hot Wheel.

No, you going to want the
whole collection of 'em.

Can you afford
a lawsuit?

Do you really want your
daddy to take out a loan,

just so you can get
some Hot Wheels?

You going to bankrupt
your whole family

just so you can
get a puppy?

If you're good,

Santa will send you
a train token,

and you can take
the subway downtown

and get a job
for Christmas.

Mommy!

Merry Christmas.

(kids crying)

Black Santa Claus
caused more tears

than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Remember what
I told you.

Ho-ho-ho.

(coughing)

Chris, you okay?

Yeah. It's just 'cause this
costume is really hot.

I'm starting to feel dizzy.

Julius, we
got a problem.

You mean besides the fact
that you got a black Santa

working in a white
department store

called Goldstein's?

What's wrong?

You're not presenting the image

of Christmas that
we're trying to promote,

here at Goldstein's.

Image? What kind of image?

You're Santa Claus.

You're not supposed to
make the children cry.

These kids need to learn
the truth about life.

Uh... Dad?

Not now, Chris.

I'm sorry, uh... I just

don't feel like
Goldstein's

is the right
fit for you.

Dad, I really
don't feel that well.

You're firing me
at Christmastime?

That's the only time
you can fire Santa.

(thud)

Yes.

Fine.

Chris, come on.

Chris!

I don't know
if he was more concerned

because I lost consciousness

or because
I lost a half day's pay.

I checked out at the store
and checked in to the hospital.

Walking pneumonia?

That doesn't sound that bad.

Well, it started
as walking pneumonia.

Now, is this correct?
The boy has two jobs?

Well... yeah,
I mean...

Well, that's
the problem.

He needs some rest.

Well, what should we do
when we get him home?

Well, you should
pick up the phone,

call an ambulance,
and get them

to bring him back
over here.

He's got a fever of 103,

he overdosed
on cough syrup,

and he's delirious.

Delirious?
Yes.

He keeps mumbling something

about getting the
president out of layaway.

I'll be back to
check on him.

Baby, well, you get
some rest, okay?

Mommy's going to come back
and check on you later. Okay?

All right, man...

Whoa! That's my 72 cents
worth of sandwich!

He ain't going to eat it.

Put it back...

He's delirious.
Put it back!

When they found out
I was in the hospital,

Tonya and Drew were devastated.

Chris got sick.

Now we can't get anything
for Christmas.

Man, we were good for nothing.

No, you were good
because you were
supposed to be good.

I mean, what if
there were
no Christmas?

Would you be running
around here

starting forest fires?

No.
No.

We can't even have one gift?

You live your whole
life here for free.
Mm-hmm.

Tonya, you get
gifts every day.

Food is a gift.
The heat is a gift.

Your shoes are a gift.

This house
is a gift.

Those frames on the walls
are a gift.

The magazines
are a gift.

That ashtray is a gift.

This lampshade is a gift.

That chair
is a gift.

This pillow
is a gift.

The remote control
is a gift.

The TV is a gift.
This carpet

is a gift.
The pink carpet

in your room
is a gift.

Being able to cut out
of this scene is a gift.

(on TV): Ho-ho-ho.
Merry Christmas.

Hey, what's
wrong with you?

What?!

Hey, who are you?

I'm Kris.

I'm Chris.

Wow. What a small world, huh?

So what happened to you?

Well, I don't really know.

Last thing
I remember, I was

in Goldstein's
dressed as an elf.

Next thing I know, I'm in here.

Hey, that makes you
one of Santa's helpers, huh?

Yeah. My dad was working
as Santa, but he got fired.

Oh, that's too bad. Sorry.

But it really could
be a lot worse.

And how's that?

He could be me.

I have rheumatoid
arthritis.

I had a really
nasty flareup.

Cold weather really kills me.

But, you know,
stuff happens
in life, you know.

Hey, you know,
I was watching your family,

and you should know
it's really a beautiful thing

how much they care about you.

You shouldn't forget that.

Well, I guess you're right.

I know I'm right.

Listen, why don't
you get some sleep, kid, huh?

And merry Christmas.

Thanks.

* 'Cause he knows...

You, too.

* It's past bedtime

* For toys.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, man, what are
you doing here?

Well, since it's Christmas Eve,

I wanted
to give you your present.

But when I called your dad,
he said you were here.

Here's your gift.
It's baseball cards.

Baseball cards?!
Where did you
get baseball cards

in the middle of winter?

The Venezuelan League.

It took a lot of doing.

By the way, if I were you,
I wouldn't eat the gum.

Well, I don't
have your gift.
It's cool.

You can just double up
on my birthday.

Deal! Two socks, it is!

Well, I got to go.

Go? But you just got here.

I got to go down
to Rockefeller Center

and see the Christmas tree.

Then my mom's taking me
ice skating with her boyfriend.

All right, well, have fun.

Yeah. Get well.

Thanks. Catch you later.

Well, this sucks.

Hey, what's your
problem, man, huh?

Well, I hate being
in this hospital!

I hate the fact
that I'm sitting here,

and I'm sick!

And I also hate that
I put some presents

on layaway to give to my family,

and now I can't give them
to them.

Layaway?! Layaway
is your problem?

Are you kidding me?

You're thinking
about layaway
when there's

300 patients in this hospital,

and four nurses,
and three are out sick,

and one's out at lunch?

Layaway! You didn't
see that family

that was attacked
by 1,200 beavers, did you?

And that poor mother,

she came in here,
they thought it was a fur coat,

and they kicked her out.

She had 1,200 beavers
sucking her skin!

And you're worried
about layaway?

What about the kid
in the gang war?

He got shot.
Nine toes got shot off!

Nine! He has one toe! One toe!

And they wouldn't even give him
nail polish for the one toe.

Sad. There's a poor
guy down there,

he lost both his legs.

They won't even
give him any crutches,

'cause he can't afford it
and he has no insurance.

So you know what they gave him?
A pogo stick.

You're worried
about layaway.

See that kid downstairs?

They're going to make a movie
of the week about this guy.

He got bit by 400 rats,

and they won't even
give him a rabies shot.

They gave him
a coloring book.

Let me tell you
something, Chris.

I bet every patient
in this hospital

would give their left arm
if their only problem

was getting their gifts
out of layaway.

After he said that,
I started to think

about things you couldn't
put on layaway.

You took out my kidney?

Yeah, but we got you
a new kidney
out of layaway!

Merry Christmas.

What happened to my leg?!

We had to cut it off.

But we got you one
out of layaway!

Merry Christmas!

Doctor, is my boy
going to make it?

No. But we've got
another one on layaway!

Bobby!

Merry Christmas!

Thank you.

The only thing worse than
Christmas without my family

is having green Jell-O
for breakfast.

Here you go.

Merry Christmas.

I hate green Jell-O.

Well, it's either
this or ice chips,

so take your pick.
Fine.

Hey, where's Kris?

Who?

The old white guy.
He was in the bed.

There was no one in that bed.

Yes, there was.

I sat there, and I talked
to him for two days.

I even played
checkers with him.

Did you break into the pharmacy?

'Cause if you're stealing drugs,

we'll kick you
right out of here.

I didn't steal any drugs.

You're delirious.

Eat your Jell-O.

Hi, baby!
Merry Christmas!

Hey, what are
you guys doing here?

It's Christmas, stupid.

Well, you didn't think
we'd want to leave you here

by yourself, did you?

Well, I didn't think
you'd want to be here.

Without you, there would
be no Christmas.

It'd just be a "s'mas."

It's okay, baby.

Ho-ho-ho!
Merry Christmas!

Wow!

Hey! Where did you
get all this stuff?

Yeah!
I thought you got fired.

I did.

Well, baby, how did
you pay for all of this?

Chris bought it.

He had it in layaway
before he got sick.

I got it
out for him.

Thank you, baby.
That's so sweet.

Well, merry Christmas, y'all!

I thought this Christmas

was going to be
one of the worst,

but it turned out
to be one of the best,

'cause I learned that
you can't put love on layaway.

This is for you.

What's this?

A receipt.
You owe me $35.

He's serious.

* Everybody hates Chris.