Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 1 - Everybody Hates Rejection - full transcript
Chris asks a girl on a date, but gets stood up; Rochelle clashes with new neighbor Louise over the establishment of a neighborhood watch program.
Everybody Hates Chris #024
Closed Captioned
CHRIS ROCK:
Keisha was the first girl
I ever really cared about.
Even though she never
really cared about me.
When I found out her family
was moving,
I was sad to see her go.
Hey, where y'all
moving to?
We're going to this place
in California.
It's supposed to be
really, really nice.
Palm trees and lawns
and no violence
and no crime.
Well, what's it called?
Compton.
I always wondered how that
worked out for them?
MAN:
Bust a cap in 'em!
MAN:
Get down, Keisha!
Get down, girl, get down!
So do you
miss Keisha?
Do you mean do I miss being
rejected, ignored
and humiliated?
Yeah, sort of.
Why don't you just
hang out with
somebody else?
I don't like
anyone else.
And nobody else
liked me.
Hey, who's that?
That's just Yvette.
She lives
around the corner.
You know, she's
kind of cute.
Man, you don't want
to mess with her.
The first girl you ever like
is always tough
to get over.
She holds a special place
in your heart.
So I decided to lower
my standards.
I heard she'll go out
with anybody.
Really?
Now that's my kind of girl.
Captioning sponsored by
CBS/Paramount
Network Television
* Oh... make it funky now!
Since I didn't want to make
the same mistakes with Yvette
that I made with Keisha,
I needed a different approach.
What do you know about her?
Nothing much. Just that she's
supposed to go out
with a lot of different
types of guys.
Perfect.
You should do something simple.
Something you haven't
tried before.
I can't just walk up to her
and ask her out.
Have you tried it?
Not yet.
The worst she can say is no.
Okay then, let's try it.
Try what?
You'll be Yvette
and I'll ask you out.
Brokeback Hallway.
Right here?
It was your idea.
You going to help me
or not?
Fine. Hurry up.
(deep sexy voice):
Hey, Yvette.
So, you want to go out
with me sometime...?
No, you skinny black bum.
I thought the worst
you could say was no.
I was improvising.
Well, you know, since you're
making stuff up
couldn't you have said yes?
He wasn't my type anyway.
We had only been living
in Bed-Stuy for a year
when the crime rate
started to go through the roof.
In the late '90s,
they had the Internet boom,
but in the '80s,
we had the crack boom.
It used to take years
to become a junkie,
but crack cut that down
to 37 minutes.
Even on my block,
things were starting
to get out of control.
The muggers
were getting mugged.
Let me hold a quarter.
(laughs)
What's up, little man?
Let me hold a
dollar right quick.
I'll take that
quarter, too.
But...
Our new next door neighbor
was Louise Clarkson.
She hated our neighborhood,
and was intent
on doing something about it.
Well, I can see
we're both very busy,
so I'll just get
to the point.
I'm starting a
neighborhood block watch.
Why do we need
a block watch?
(laughs)
In case you
haven't noticed,
crime is running rampant
in this neighborhood.
No, it's not.
This block is fine.
Burglaries are up,
assaults, murders.
Is that fine?
I don't know what block,
you've been on,
but this block is okay,
but thank you for stopping by.
Well, thank you.
(laughs)
Uh, something on your teeth.
I'll see myself out.
(laughs):
Okay.
Love the couch.
(laughs)
Neighborhood block watch.
My mother didn't want to accept
that things were getting worse
until something happened to us.
JULIUS:
Rochelle!
What? I'm in here.
My truck got stolen!
What?! Oh, no!
I could get fired for this.
Well, baby, are you sure
it's stolen?
Maybe you just forgot
where you
parked it.
Rochelle, it's not keys,
it's a truck.
Even if I forgot
where I parked it,
you can still see it,
'cause it's a truck!
Well, don't get mad at me.
You act like I stole it.
That's it. I'm
starting a block watch.
That sounds like a good idea.
As soon as I finish this toe.
My mother was a ghetto snob,
so to her,
this wasn't just
a block watch meeting.
It was a Rochelle watch
meeting.
What's all this?
Food for the block
watch meeting.
You're supposed
to be watching the block,
not feeding it.
Julius, I can't
invite people over here
without feeding them.
People in my neighborhood
never got together
without bringing food.
Oh, I am so sorry
you got run over by a truck.
But I brought you some ribs.
(crying)
My baby! They
killed my baby.
I'm sorry about your baby.
(garbled radio transmission)
Catfish?
And besides, how do
you expect people
to fight crime when
they're hungry?
How do you expect me to
feed people when I'm broke?
Huh? What you say?
Um...
(sniffs):
You smell smoke?
Asking Greg out was one thing,
but Yvette was
a wholenother story.
When you ask a girl out,
you've got to have
your game together.
Chris, look, a woman
got a lot of choices,
so you got to show her something
that separates you
from the other guys.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I've got the perfect thing
for you-- Drakkar Noir.
Drives the ladies wild.
Four dollars.
You can't sell that
in here.
Why not?
'Cause I'll break
your other arm.
Here, try this one.
(grunts)
Yeah. That's just
five dollars.
F...? What...? Five...?
(coughs)
Oh, oh, here come
your lady, young blood.
See you later, okay?
Okay.
(distant chatter)
(bell on door tinkles)
* Hey, lady...
Um, you're
Yvette, right?
I'm Chris.
Hi. What's that smell?
That's my cologne.
That's nice.
CHRIS:
Thanks.
Well, you know, I've seen
you around the block
and thought you
were kind of cute.
Thank you.
So, I was wondering if maybe
you can go out this weekend?
Go out?
Yeah, to the movies
or something.
You paying?
I've seen that look before.
It usually led to this.
(gun chamber cocking)
Wait. What do you want
to go and do this for? Why?
Okay.
I said this...
All right, then.
...but I felt like this.
(coughs)
CHRIS ROCK:
The toughest part
about getting a block watch
was finding people
who had stuff worth watching.
All right, now, the
most important part
of the Block
Watch program is
communication.
So if you see
anything, you have
to file a report.
Without information, not a
lot your local police can do.
Okay, well, what type
of information?
Like if you see somebody
stealing my couch, tell me.
(soft grunt)
Excuse me.
Translation--
"What you say, heifer?"
Excuse me? Excuse you.
Who are you?
Who are you?
Oh, girl,
that's Louise.
She just moved in next d...
I beg your pardon.
I'm sitting
right here.
I'm Louise.
I just moved in next door,
and this was my idea.
(scoffs)
By the way, in my
old neighborhood,
we didn't have
these problems.
She told her.
Where are you from?
Queens.
Oh, Queens.
Very lovely there.
Mm-hmm.
Do you know the Jacobsons?
The black Jacobs?
No the white ones.
The ones with
the restaurant?
Yeah.
I love that...
Excuse me, can we talk about
this neighborhood, Brooklyn?
POLICEMAN:
All right.
Touchy.
Now, what's
very important,
also, in the Block
Watch program is,
if you are away from your house
for any extended period
of time...
In Bed-Stuy, that's 12 minutes.
...you must alert
the other Block Watch members.
And they will watch
your property.
POLICEMAN:
Correct.
Nicely done.
(laughs)
Like let's say
one of you is
on your way
to Florida...
Florida?
The closest my family came
to Florida was watching
Esther Rolle on Good Times.
(gasps):
Now I get it.
Then the rest of us
can watch out for their house.
I'll take the
night shift.
POLICEMAN:
All right. Another
very important part
of a Block Watch program is...
awareness, huh?
And that's why
you have these.
These are stickers, and these
are gonna go in your window.
These stickers will be seen
by the offenders,
and then they will be
less likely to offend.
You mean steal?
Correct. Nicely done.
Well, why she
get a button...?
Stickers? You think
that's gonna keep people
from coming into the house
and hitting me over the head,
'cause I got a sticker
in the window?
(sighs):
If she wasn't so damn evil,
nobody would be trying
to hit her over the head.
Excuse me?
You're excused.
POLICEMAN:
All right, now,
you need to elect
a Block Watch captain.
Okay. All right.
(laughs)
I think I should be the
Block Watch captain.
And why is that?
Well, because I'm the only one
on the block who
doesn't need watching.
No. It was my husband's truck
that got stolen.
Yes, well, if
you had done
what I asked you to do, which
was start the neighborhood...
See, the problem is, you're new
to the neighborhood, okay?
All right, okay...
So, I don't know
how they do it in Queens...
You're just serving...
but we do it in...
Whoa, ladies,
ladies, ladies,
ladies, ladies,
ladies, ladies...
Mm-hmm.
Let's put it to a vote.
Please.
POLICEMAN:
Okay.
Who made the pie?
I did.
I nominate Rochelle to be
the first Block Watch captain.
Uh-uh, no. You cannot nominate
because she made some pie.
It's some good pie.
Shut up.
All right, all in favor?
You like my pie?
ALL EXCEPT LOUISE:
Aye.
The ayes have it.
I came up
with this idea.
I don't see why I am not
the Block Watch captain.
Because we voted,
and the pie lady won.
Okay, fine.
Now when you all come
home to your apartments,
and there's nothing there
except a pie, we all
know who to talk to--
the Block Watch
captain, and we'll say,
"Where were you,
Block Watch Captain?"
She'll say, "I've
been making pie."
I do not talk like that.
Okay, okay,
any questions, any questions?
I have one.
So, what type of places
would you consider
to be the most vulnerable?
Like, say an offender
was gonna break into
somebody's house.
Who would be
the best victim?
That's a very good question.
No, it's not.
You just break into a house
where nobody's home.
That's right.
Cool.
I got to go.
(clears his throat)
(mumbles):
Oh!
With a four second head start,
Jerome stole four stereos.
My mother wasn't the only one
helping out the community.
At school, Drew volunteered
to be a Patrol Boy,
which is just a fancy name
for crossing guard.
Okay, go.
Hey, Drew, can you
help me cross?
Sure.
Thanks, Drew.
If this had been me,
here's how it would have gone.
Because I was going on a date
for the first time,
everyone had
a helpful suggestion.
Be sure to compliment her
on her shoes.
Girls like that.
Shoes, right.
Tell her you got a job.
Girls like that more.
Job, I got it.
And hold a piece of gum under
your tongue and let it soak
so your breath won't stink.
Okay, gum.
Oh, yeah, and if the movie
is sad, don't cry.
She'll think you're a punk.
It's Footloose.
I ain't gonna cry.
Oh, baby, have a good time.
But not too good a time,
'cause you know I'm not raising
no babies.
Enjoy yourself.
This is half off on a soda
and box of Jujubes.
Thanks.
Oh, what the hell.
Here's a coupon
for a free box of popcorn.
The last time my father
gave man an extra coupon
was when I gave him
a get-one coupon,
get-one-coupon-free coupon.
Have a good time.
You look good, man.
That's my boy.
Standing there waiting
for Yvette
was one of the best feelings
I'd had.
But after 15 minutes,
I thought, "Maybe the buses
are running late."
After 30 minutes, I thought,
"Maybe the bus broke down."
After an hour, I thought,
"Maybe the bus got
in an accident,
"skidded through the guardrail,
exploded in midair,
and ended up at the bottom
of the East River."
After the movie was over,
I thought, "Maybe she never got
on that bus at all."
To this day, I can't make it
through Footloose
without crying.
That's a bummer, man.
Did she say
what happened?
I haven't heard
from her.
Why do girls
do junk like that?
I don't know
what to tell you.
Greg and I had the same
conversation last night
and he still didn't know
what to tell me.
That sucks.
Man, I don't know
how you made it
to school today.
Stood up, out there
on the street,
talk about embarrassing.
If I were you,
I'd be so depressed,
I'd be standing on top
of the Brooklyn Bridge
with a hundred pounds of
rocks tied around my ankles
and a bag of rats
wrapped around my head,
ready to jump...
Okay, I get it.
Forget about it, man.
You're a nice guy.
Aren't you the same one
who called me
a little black bum?
Like I said,
I was improvising.
If it makes you
feel any better,
I would have shown up.
That didn't mean anything.
Greg once showed up at
a sneaker-string taste test.
(laughing)
Uh-huh. Hey!
I'm watching you!
Because my mother
was the Block Watch captain,
if anything happened
in the neighborhood,
Miss Louise made sure
she heard about it.
They're spraying graffiti
downstairs.
I'll file a report.
There's a mad dog chasing
people!
I'll file a report.
Somebody stole my mail.
I'll file a report.
I can't find my glasses.
I'll file a report.
Larry and them coming.
I'll file a report.
Being stood up was bad enough,
so I didn't want
to tell anybody.
Hey.
Listen, you ever hear
of Whodini?
Ecstasy and Jalil? Yeah.
Yeah, I got a couple of tickets.
I thought the show
was about the magician.
You want 'em?
Yeah.
Maybe you can take your girl.
I don't think so.
Why not?
She stood me up.
I was standing outside
the theater for two hours
and she never showed up.
What? You gonna let her
treat you that way
and get away with it?
Listen, if I was you,
I'd go find that girl,
take her by the hair
and shake her
like an Etch-A-Sketch.
Doc lives alone.
She does owe me an explanation.
Now you're talking.
Well, here's your chance.
Hey, Chris.
Oh, hey, what happened
to you yesterday?
That's right. We were supposed
to go see Footloose.
I totally forgot.
I didn't know it then,
but, for years to come,
I dated an awful lot
of women with amnesia.
Oh, that's right.
We're supposed
to go to the prom together.
I totally forgot.
That's right.
We wer supposed to do something
for your birthday.
Totally forgot.
Oh, that's right.
I was supposed to give you
a kidney.
Boy, I forgot all about you.
Until I got famous,
I never met a woman
that could remember anything.
So maybe we can
go Saturday.
Mm, this Saturday?
I can't.
I have a piano lesson.
Are you free Sunday?
I have to go clean house.
Too bad. I got these
Whodini tickets
for Sunday afternoon
at the park.
For real?
Yeah, right here.
You know what?
Maybe I can go.
So I'll see you Sunday then?
All right.
Sunday.
Mm-mm.
What?
That girl is not interested
in you.
She's interested
in your tickets.
Think so?
She's an opportunist.
She goes with whoever
has the best deal.
She only agreed
to go out with you
because she didn't have
anything better to do.
That's how I ended up
married for three years.
I don't Yvette's like that.
Want to make a bet?
While I was trying
to get a girl's attention,
girls were trying to get
Drew's attention.
I feel so safe
with you here.
Thanks.
Drew,
this is all for you.
What are you doing?
(horn blaring)
Drew.
Drew.
Oh, man!
(horns blaring)
Drew's corner was crawling
with more girls
than Usher's garbage can.
I didn't want to believe Doc
was right about Yvette,
so I decided to see for myself.
Hey, Yvette. Yeah, it's Chris.
Hi.
Listen, about those tickets,
yeah.
I found out they were fake.
For real?
Mm...
But you know, we can still
go out to a movie.
Yeah, I found out
there's this new movie...
(dial tone)
Hello? Hello?
(three tones)
The number you have reached
has been disconnected.
Hmm, maybe a bus crashed
into her phone.
Rochelle.
Yes, Louise.
I need stickers.
What?
Stickers. I've been up
and down this block.
I've looked in every window
and there are no stickers.
How do we expect offenders
not to offend
if there are no stickers?
I'll get you
some stickers, Louise.
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, baby,
that's nine cent
worth of tape.
Hi, Julius.
So sorry about your truck.
I can't believe they stole it
right off the street.
It was right here.
Right here?
Right here.
Next to the fire hydrant?
Oh.
They must have
just put that there.
Well, it probably
wouldn't have happened
if it had had
a sticker on it.
I like her.
What?
Matches...
Hey, Chris.
Hey, can I talk
to your for a minute?
I hope she doesn't have
something better to do.
What?
How come you
didn't tell me
you just didn't want
to go out with me
instead of dissing
me like that?
Like what?
Like leaving me
out in front
of the movie theater
like a fool.
Like saying you want
to go with me to go see
Whodini then hanging up
in my face?
You said the tickets
were fake.
I thought
you were going
because you wanted
to go out with me.
Why'd you even agree
to go out with me
in the first place?
Because I didn't have
anything better to do.
Why didn't you
say that?
I was trying
not to hurt your feelings.
Well, you know,
you really suck at that.
Well, what do you
want me to do?
You know what?
Nothing.
I asked Yvette out
after I got famous.
She stood me up and went out
with Chris Tucker.
You handled that like a man,
Chris.
You still got those tickets?
Yeah. Why?
I got this young honey
on the line and she loves rap.
Have fun.
You know I will.
Man, the first time I asked
a girl to go out with me
and this happens.
Hey, at least it ended
better than this.
After a week of being captain
of the Block Watch,
my mother was going down
with the ship.
I heard a noise in my house.
I heard a noise
in my house, too,
and it's you
at my damn door!
Well, you are
the Block Watch captain.
No, no, I'm not. You win!
You win!
Here, here, you want to be
the Block Watch captain,
be the Block Watch captain.
Well, only if you're
absolutely sure.
(frustrated yell)
Here's the rest of the piece
of the pie!
All right, we gonna see
who's watching the block now.
What are you doing?
I'm quitting the Patrol Boys.
Why?
Girls are crazy.
No truer words
have ever been spoken.
After getting put down
by Keisha
and stood up by Yvette,
I was through having crushes
on girls in the neighborhood,
and I meant it.
Oh, hi. You must be Chris.
Uh, scratch that.
Hey. Who are you?
I'm Tasha.
Stay away from my granddaughter,
you cockeyed hooligan.
Turns out older women
didn't like me either.
* Everybody hates Chris.
* Oh... make it funky now.
Closed Captioned
CHRIS ROCK:
Keisha was the first girl
I ever really cared about.
Even though she never
really cared about me.
When I found out her family
was moving,
I was sad to see her go.
Hey, where y'all
moving to?
We're going to this place
in California.
It's supposed to be
really, really nice.
Palm trees and lawns
and no violence
and no crime.
Well, what's it called?
Compton.
I always wondered how that
worked out for them?
MAN:
Bust a cap in 'em!
MAN:
Get down, Keisha!
Get down, girl, get down!
So do you
miss Keisha?
Do you mean do I miss being
rejected, ignored
and humiliated?
Yeah, sort of.
Why don't you just
hang out with
somebody else?
I don't like
anyone else.
And nobody else
liked me.
Hey, who's that?
That's just Yvette.
She lives
around the corner.
You know, she's
kind of cute.
Man, you don't want
to mess with her.
The first girl you ever like
is always tough
to get over.
She holds a special place
in your heart.
So I decided to lower
my standards.
I heard she'll go out
with anybody.
Really?
Now that's my kind of girl.
Captioning sponsored by
CBS/Paramount
Network Television
* Oh... make it funky now!
Since I didn't want to make
the same mistakes with Yvette
that I made with Keisha,
I needed a different approach.
What do you know about her?
Nothing much. Just that she's
supposed to go out
with a lot of different
types of guys.
Perfect.
You should do something simple.
Something you haven't
tried before.
I can't just walk up to her
and ask her out.
Have you tried it?
Not yet.
The worst she can say is no.
Okay then, let's try it.
Try what?
You'll be Yvette
and I'll ask you out.
Brokeback Hallway.
Right here?
It was your idea.
You going to help me
or not?
Fine. Hurry up.
(deep sexy voice):
Hey, Yvette.
So, you want to go out
with me sometime...?
No, you skinny black bum.
I thought the worst
you could say was no.
I was improvising.
Well, you know, since you're
making stuff up
couldn't you have said yes?
He wasn't my type anyway.
We had only been living
in Bed-Stuy for a year
when the crime rate
started to go through the roof.
In the late '90s,
they had the Internet boom,
but in the '80s,
we had the crack boom.
It used to take years
to become a junkie,
but crack cut that down
to 37 minutes.
Even on my block,
things were starting
to get out of control.
The muggers
were getting mugged.
Let me hold a quarter.
(laughs)
What's up, little man?
Let me hold a
dollar right quick.
I'll take that
quarter, too.
But...
Our new next door neighbor
was Louise Clarkson.
She hated our neighborhood,
and was intent
on doing something about it.
Well, I can see
we're both very busy,
so I'll just get
to the point.
I'm starting a
neighborhood block watch.
Why do we need
a block watch?
(laughs)
In case you
haven't noticed,
crime is running rampant
in this neighborhood.
No, it's not.
This block is fine.
Burglaries are up,
assaults, murders.
Is that fine?
I don't know what block,
you've been on,
but this block is okay,
but thank you for stopping by.
Well, thank you.
(laughs)
Uh, something on your teeth.
I'll see myself out.
(laughs):
Okay.
Love the couch.
(laughs)
Neighborhood block watch.
My mother didn't want to accept
that things were getting worse
until something happened to us.
JULIUS:
Rochelle!
What? I'm in here.
My truck got stolen!
What?! Oh, no!
I could get fired for this.
Well, baby, are you sure
it's stolen?
Maybe you just forgot
where you
parked it.
Rochelle, it's not keys,
it's a truck.
Even if I forgot
where I parked it,
you can still see it,
'cause it's a truck!
Well, don't get mad at me.
You act like I stole it.
That's it. I'm
starting a block watch.
That sounds like a good idea.
As soon as I finish this toe.
My mother was a ghetto snob,
so to her,
this wasn't just
a block watch meeting.
It was a Rochelle watch
meeting.
What's all this?
Food for the block
watch meeting.
You're supposed
to be watching the block,
not feeding it.
Julius, I can't
invite people over here
without feeding them.
People in my neighborhood
never got together
without bringing food.
Oh, I am so sorry
you got run over by a truck.
But I brought you some ribs.
(crying)
My baby! They
killed my baby.
I'm sorry about your baby.
(garbled radio transmission)
Catfish?
And besides, how do
you expect people
to fight crime when
they're hungry?
How do you expect me to
feed people when I'm broke?
Huh? What you say?
Um...
(sniffs):
You smell smoke?
Asking Greg out was one thing,
but Yvette was
a wholenother story.
When you ask a girl out,
you've got to have
your game together.
Chris, look, a woman
got a lot of choices,
so you got to show her something
that separates you
from the other guys.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I've got the perfect thing
for you-- Drakkar Noir.
Drives the ladies wild.
Four dollars.
You can't sell that
in here.
Why not?
'Cause I'll break
your other arm.
Here, try this one.
(grunts)
Yeah. That's just
five dollars.
F...? What...? Five...?
(coughs)
Oh, oh, here come
your lady, young blood.
See you later, okay?
Okay.
(distant chatter)
(bell on door tinkles)
* Hey, lady...
Um, you're
Yvette, right?
I'm Chris.
Hi. What's that smell?
That's my cologne.
That's nice.
CHRIS:
Thanks.
Well, you know, I've seen
you around the block
and thought you
were kind of cute.
Thank you.
So, I was wondering if maybe
you can go out this weekend?
Go out?
Yeah, to the movies
or something.
You paying?
I've seen that look before.
It usually led to this.
(gun chamber cocking)
Wait. What do you want
to go and do this for? Why?
Okay.
I said this...
All right, then.
...but I felt like this.
(coughs)
CHRIS ROCK:
The toughest part
about getting a block watch
was finding people
who had stuff worth watching.
All right, now, the
most important part
of the Block
Watch program is
communication.
So if you see
anything, you have
to file a report.
Without information, not a
lot your local police can do.
Okay, well, what type
of information?
Like if you see somebody
stealing my couch, tell me.
(soft grunt)
Excuse me.
Translation--
"What you say, heifer?"
Excuse me? Excuse you.
Who are you?
Who are you?
Oh, girl,
that's Louise.
She just moved in next d...
I beg your pardon.
I'm sitting
right here.
I'm Louise.
I just moved in next door,
and this was my idea.
(scoffs)
By the way, in my
old neighborhood,
we didn't have
these problems.
She told her.
Where are you from?
Queens.
Oh, Queens.
Very lovely there.
Mm-hmm.
Do you know the Jacobsons?
The black Jacobs?
No the white ones.
The ones with
the restaurant?
Yeah.
I love that...
Excuse me, can we talk about
this neighborhood, Brooklyn?
POLICEMAN:
All right.
Touchy.
Now, what's
very important,
also, in the Block
Watch program is,
if you are away from your house
for any extended period
of time...
In Bed-Stuy, that's 12 minutes.
...you must alert
the other Block Watch members.
And they will watch
your property.
POLICEMAN:
Correct.
Nicely done.
(laughs)
Like let's say
one of you is
on your way
to Florida...
Florida?
The closest my family came
to Florida was watching
Esther Rolle on Good Times.
(gasps):
Now I get it.
Then the rest of us
can watch out for their house.
I'll take the
night shift.
POLICEMAN:
All right. Another
very important part
of a Block Watch program is...
awareness, huh?
And that's why
you have these.
These are stickers, and these
are gonna go in your window.
These stickers will be seen
by the offenders,
and then they will be
less likely to offend.
You mean steal?
Correct. Nicely done.
Well, why she
get a button...?
Stickers? You think
that's gonna keep people
from coming into the house
and hitting me over the head,
'cause I got a sticker
in the window?
(sighs):
If she wasn't so damn evil,
nobody would be trying
to hit her over the head.
Excuse me?
You're excused.
POLICEMAN:
All right, now,
you need to elect
a Block Watch captain.
Okay. All right.
(laughs)
I think I should be the
Block Watch captain.
And why is that?
Well, because I'm the only one
on the block who
doesn't need watching.
No. It was my husband's truck
that got stolen.
Yes, well, if
you had done
what I asked you to do, which
was start the neighborhood...
See, the problem is, you're new
to the neighborhood, okay?
All right, okay...
So, I don't know
how they do it in Queens...
You're just serving...
but we do it in...
Whoa, ladies,
ladies, ladies,
ladies, ladies,
ladies, ladies...
Mm-hmm.
Let's put it to a vote.
Please.
POLICEMAN:
Okay.
Who made the pie?
I did.
I nominate Rochelle to be
the first Block Watch captain.
Uh-uh, no. You cannot nominate
because she made some pie.
It's some good pie.
Shut up.
All right, all in favor?
You like my pie?
ALL EXCEPT LOUISE:
Aye.
The ayes have it.
I came up
with this idea.
I don't see why I am not
the Block Watch captain.
Because we voted,
and the pie lady won.
Okay, fine.
Now when you all come
home to your apartments,
and there's nothing there
except a pie, we all
know who to talk to--
the Block Watch
captain, and we'll say,
"Where were you,
Block Watch Captain?"
She'll say, "I've
been making pie."
I do not talk like that.
Okay, okay,
any questions, any questions?
I have one.
So, what type of places
would you consider
to be the most vulnerable?
Like, say an offender
was gonna break into
somebody's house.
Who would be
the best victim?
That's a very good question.
No, it's not.
You just break into a house
where nobody's home.
That's right.
Cool.
I got to go.
(clears his throat)
(mumbles):
Oh!
With a four second head start,
Jerome stole four stereos.
My mother wasn't the only one
helping out the community.
At school, Drew volunteered
to be a Patrol Boy,
which is just a fancy name
for crossing guard.
Okay, go.
Hey, Drew, can you
help me cross?
Sure.
Thanks, Drew.
If this had been me,
here's how it would have gone.
Because I was going on a date
for the first time,
everyone had
a helpful suggestion.
Be sure to compliment her
on her shoes.
Girls like that.
Shoes, right.
Tell her you got a job.
Girls like that more.
Job, I got it.
And hold a piece of gum under
your tongue and let it soak
so your breath won't stink.
Okay, gum.
Oh, yeah, and if the movie
is sad, don't cry.
She'll think you're a punk.
It's Footloose.
I ain't gonna cry.
Oh, baby, have a good time.
But not too good a time,
'cause you know I'm not raising
no babies.
Enjoy yourself.
This is half off on a soda
and box of Jujubes.
Thanks.
Oh, what the hell.
Here's a coupon
for a free box of popcorn.
The last time my father
gave man an extra coupon
was when I gave him
a get-one coupon,
get-one-coupon-free coupon.
Have a good time.
You look good, man.
That's my boy.
Standing there waiting
for Yvette
was one of the best feelings
I'd had.
But after 15 minutes,
I thought, "Maybe the buses
are running late."
After 30 minutes, I thought,
"Maybe the bus broke down."
After an hour, I thought,
"Maybe the bus got
in an accident,
"skidded through the guardrail,
exploded in midair,
and ended up at the bottom
of the East River."
After the movie was over,
I thought, "Maybe she never got
on that bus at all."
To this day, I can't make it
through Footloose
without crying.
That's a bummer, man.
Did she say
what happened?
I haven't heard
from her.
Why do girls
do junk like that?
I don't know
what to tell you.
Greg and I had the same
conversation last night
and he still didn't know
what to tell me.
That sucks.
Man, I don't know
how you made it
to school today.
Stood up, out there
on the street,
talk about embarrassing.
If I were you,
I'd be so depressed,
I'd be standing on top
of the Brooklyn Bridge
with a hundred pounds of
rocks tied around my ankles
and a bag of rats
wrapped around my head,
ready to jump...
Okay, I get it.
Forget about it, man.
You're a nice guy.
Aren't you the same one
who called me
a little black bum?
Like I said,
I was improvising.
If it makes you
feel any better,
I would have shown up.
That didn't mean anything.
Greg once showed up at
a sneaker-string taste test.
(laughing)
Uh-huh. Hey!
I'm watching you!
Because my mother
was the Block Watch captain,
if anything happened
in the neighborhood,
Miss Louise made sure
she heard about it.
They're spraying graffiti
downstairs.
I'll file a report.
There's a mad dog chasing
people!
I'll file a report.
Somebody stole my mail.
I'll file a report.
I can't find my glasses.
I'll file a report.
Larry and them coming.
I'll file a report.
Being stood up was bad enough,
so I didn't want
to tell anybody.
Hey.
Listen, you ever hear
of Whodini?
Ecstasy and Jalil? Yeah.
Yeah, I got a couple of tickets.
I thought the show
was about the magician.
You want 'em?
Yeah.
Maybe you can take your girl.
I don't think so.
Why not?
She stood me up.
I was standing outside
the theater for two hours
and she never showed up.
What? You gonna let her
treat you that way
and get away with it?
Listen, if I was you,
I'd go find that girl,
take her by the hair
and shake her
like an Etch-A-Sketch.
Doc lives alone.
She does owe me an explanation.
Now you're talking.
Well, here's your chance.
Hey, Chris.
Oh, hey, what happened
to you yesterday?
That's right. We were supposed
to go see Footloose.
I totally forgot.
I didn't know it then,
but, for years to come,
I dated an awful lot
of women with amnesia.
Oh, that's right.
We're supposed
to go to the prom together.
I totally forgot.
That's right.
We wer supposed to do something
for your birthday.
Totally forgot.
Oh, that's right.
I was supposed to give you
a kidney.
Boy, I forgot all about you.
Until I got famous,
I never met a woman
that could remember anything.
So maybe we can
go Saturday.
Mm, this Saturday?
I can't.
I have a piano lesson.
Are you free Sunday?
I have to go clean house.
Too bad. I got these
Whodini tickets
for Sunday afternoon
at the park.
For real?
Yeah, right here.
You know what?
Maybe I can go.
So I'll see you Sunday then?
All right.
Sunday.
Mm-mm.
What?
That girl is not interested
in you.
She's interested
in your tickets.
Think so?
She's an opportunist.
She goes with whoever
has the best deal.
She only agreed
to go out with you
because she didn't have
anything better to do.
That's how I ended up
married for three years.
I don't Yvette's like that.
Want to make a bet?
While I was trying
to get a girl's attention,
girls were trying to get
Drew's attention.
I feel so safe
with you here.
Thanks.
Drew,
this is all for you.
What are you doing?
(horn blaring)
Drew.
Drew.
Oh, man!
(horns blaring)
Drew's corner was crawling
with more girls
than Usher's garbage can.
I didn't want to believe Doc
was right about Yvette,
so I decided to see for myself.
Hey, Yvette. Yeah, it's Chris.
Hi.
Listen, about those tickets,
yeah.
I found out they were fake.
For real?
Mm...
But you know, we can still
go out to a movie.
Yeah, I found out
there's this new movie...
(dial tone)
Hello? Hello?
(three tones)
The number you have reached
has been disconnected.
Hmm, maybe a bus crashed
into her phone.
Rochelle.
Yes, Louise.
I need stickers.
What?
Stickers. I've been up
and down this block.
I've looked in every window
and there are no stickers.
How do we expect offenders
not to offend
if there are no stickers?
I'll get you
some stickers, Louise.
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, baby,
that's nine cent
worth of tape.
Hi, Julius.
So sorry about your truck.
I can't believe they stole it
right off the street.
It was right here.
Right here?
Right here.
Next to the fire hydrant?
Oh.
They must have
just put that there.
Well, it probably
wouldn't have happened
if it had had
a sticker on it.
I like her.
What?
Matches...
Hey, Chris.
Hey, can I talk
to your for a minute?
I hope she doesn't have
something better to do.
What?
How come you
didn't tell me
you just didn't want
to go out with me
instead of dissing
me like that?
Like what?
Like leaving me
out in front
of the movie theater
like a fool.
Like saying you want
to go with me to go see
Whodini then hanging up
in my face?
You said the tickets
were fake.
I thought
you were going
because you wanted
to go out with me.
Why'd you even agree
to go out with me
in the first place?
Because I didn't have
anything better to do.
Why didn't you
say that?
I was trying
not to hurt your feelings.
Well, you know,
you really suck at that.
Well, what do you
want me to do?
You know what?
Nothing.
I asked Yvette out
after I got famous.
She stood me up and went out
with Chris Tucker.
You handled that like a man,
Chris.
You still got those tickets?
Yeah. Why?
I got this young honey
on the line and she loves rap.
Have fun.
You know I will.
Man, the first time I asked
a girl to go out with me
and this happens.
Hey, at least it ended
better than this.
After a week of being captain
of the Block Watch,
my mother was going down
with the ship.
I heard a noise in my house.
I heard a noise
in my house, too,
and it's you
at my damn door!
Well, you are
the Block Watch captain.
No, no, I'm not. You win!
You win!
Here, here, you want to be
the Block Watch captain,
be the Block Watch captain.
Well, only if you're
absolutely sure.
(frustrated yell)
Here's the rest of the piece
of the pie!
All right, we gonna see
who's watching the block now.
What are you doing?
I'm quitting the Patrol Boys.
Why?
Girls are crazy.
No truer words
have ever been spoken.
After getting put down
by Keisha
and stood up by Yvette,
I was through having crushes
on girls in the neighborhood,
and I meant it.
Oh, hi. You must be Chris.
Uh, scratch that.
Hey. Who are you?
I'm Tasha.
Stay away from my granddaughter,
you cockeyed hooligan.
Turns out older women
didn't like me either.
* Everybody hates Chris.
* Oh... make it funky now.