Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 22 - Everybody Hates Father's Day - full transcript
Chris tries to find a gift for Julius for Father's Day, but all Julius wants is a day to himself.
CHRIS ROCK:
Everyone agrees that
one of the most important days
of the year is Mother's Day.
ALL:
Happy Mother's Day!
Oh, you guys
didn't have to do this.
Everybody wants to show their
mama how much they love them.
Even Tupac
wrote a song about his mother.
On Mother's Day,
people pull out all the stops.
You take your mother
to brunch...
We're out of food.
I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
If you could
come back next Sunday.
What do you mean, next Sunday?
We're out of food, Mama.
What you want me to do?
Didn't I raise you
better than that?!
You take her to a movie so
she can wear a great big hat...
and you spend
your last dime on her,
just so she knows
she's number one.
Oh, my God! Ha-ha-ha!
Come on.
Oh! Oh! Oh, I can't believe
you did this.
But when it comes to Father's
Day, nobody gave a damn.
It's Father's Day, people.
Come on down
to Pastures and Shores.
The food is half-price.
Buenas noches.
¿Como se dice"half-off"?
The movies are terrible...
[ALL CLAMORING]
Turn it off! Turn it off!
The gifts suck...
Ta-da!
What the hell is this?
It's a parking space, honey.
We got you a parking space.
This year, I wanted to get
my father the perfect gift,
and the only way to do that
was to ask him what he wanted.
Dad, what present
do you want for Father's Day?
Heh-heh, wanna get me
something for Father's Day?
Help me knock off
one of these bills.
ROCHELLE:
Julius...
Okay.
Father's Day...
You know what?
Y'all really wanna get me
something for Father's Day?
I know exactly what I want.
What's that, baby?
A day off.
You mean a day off from work?
No.
A day off from everything
and everybody.
No fighting, no shouting,
no complaining, no fixing.
Just one day where I can do
whatever I feel like doing.
I hope he doesn't want
to leave us for a white girl.
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now
[***]
GREG:
So, wait, your dad says
he doesn't want anything?
Nope. All he said was
he wanted to be all alone.
Watch out. My mother said
she wanted a day alone.
Next thing we knew, she left
and moved to Poughkeepsie.
I don't care what he says.
I'm gonna get him something.
My father said what he wanted.
My mother said
what he was gonna get.
What kind of gift is
a day off from your family?
It's just one day.
How is that supposed
to make the kids feel?
Women always used
the kids against you.
It's Father's Day and you
don't want to be a father.
I did not say that.
They're trying to honor you,
and all you got to say is,
"Leave me the hell alone."
I did not say,
"Leave me the hell alone."
You may as well have.
I haven't had a day
to myself in 13 years.
If I didn't want
to be a father, I...
That look means if you want
to keep being a father
you better
keep your mouth shut.
It is supposed to be our day
to do something special for you.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Why can't I do what
the hell I want to do?
Huh? Say what?
Uh... You got the keys?
Well, what you gonna do here
all day by yourself anyway?
Nothing.
Well, can the kids at least
get you a real gift?
What?
What's that?
Every Father's Day card
and present I've gotten
for the past four years.
Look at this.
A box of S-Curl.
I got you that.
A macaroni cigar box.
Oh, that's so cute.
I got four ties: a necktie
a bow tie, bolo tie...
I got him that.
...and a clip-on tie.
I don't even wear ties.
I don't go nowhere.
That's $28.46 we could have used
on something else.
Well, it's the thought
that counts.
I appreciate it, I really do,
but if you buy me presents,
I'm just gonna have to work
to pay it off.
At this rate,
I'll be working when I'm dead.
Julius, you're dead.
What are you doing here?
Trying to pay off
these presents.
Listen, can I work
the graveyard shift?
Fine. Okay, then.
Have your little stinky day off.
But on your birthday,
I will promise you this.
You will be getting a cake,
and you will like it.
Oh, I know.
You better jump back
and kiss yourself.
And, uh,
put up the groceries.
Before your day off.
Does he have any hobbies?
Is taking naps a hobby?
No.
So, what are you getting
your dad for Father's Day?
I don't know if "getting" is
right. It's more like "doing."
Okay, so, what are you
doingfor your dad?
Well, first, I'm making
his favorite breakfast,
Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.
I tried to imagine
doing the things
that Greg talked about
with my father.
Like bringing him
Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.
Are you crazy?
Boy, you better
bring me some bacon.
I thought about taking my dad
to the zoo to see penguins.
We paid $3.50 to see
a bird that can't fly?
What you gonna show me next,
rats that don't eat cheese?
I even imagined us
shooting off bottle rockets
in front of the house.
[ROCKET SHRIEKING]
[BOOMING EXPLOSION]
[GUNSHOTS]
[PEOPLE YELLING]
Run, boy, run!
I wonder if Greg's dad
ever got shot at.
You decided
what you're gonna do?
I can't do the stuff
you talked about.
I only have $27.
That's not bad.
If I were you, I'd figure out
what he needs
and just give him that.
I wonder if it
would ruin our friendship
if I smacked his eyebrows off?
What you looking for, Chris?
Oh, I'm trying to find my father
something for Father's Day.
Heh, Father's Day.
My daddy liked
guns, liquor and women.
I guess he liked jail too.
What does your daddy
like to do?
That's the tough part.
All he does is sleep and work.
I know what that's like.
But I got just the thing.
A Swiss LCD quartz
calculator alarm watch.
Well, he has
an alarm clock at home.
What's he need one
in his watch for?
You never know.
[ALARM BEEPING]
Oh!
Thank goodness for this watch.
Hm, I never thought of that.
It's got a calculator too.
He can figure out
how muchanythingcosts.
If it came
with a side of bacon,
that would have been
the best gift in history.
How much does it cost?
Twenty-four ninety-five.
He just made that up.
I'll take it.
How come Daddy doesn't wanna
be with us on Father's Day?
Oh, baby, it's not
that your daddy
doesn't wanna be with us,
it's just that
he works hard all the time
and wants to have
a little time to be by himself.
Man, that's cool.
I can't wait until I'm a father
so I can have this
whole house to myself.
You are not gonna be
a father in this house,
because I ain't
taking care of no babies.
Lost your mind.
Well, can we still
get him a present?
Sure, baby.
What'd you have in mind?
These.
See, I took Daddy's old slippers
and put macaroni on them.
Oh, baby, that's nice.
I'm gonna help you
wrap them later.
Can you help me wrap mine too?
I'm making dad cologne.
Where did you learn
how to make cologne?
I saw it in the back
of a magazine.
All I need is oil,
something to give it
a little smell
and, uh, alcohol.
Then just leave it
in a jar for a week.
Mama, since Daddy
wants to be by himself,
what are we gonna do?
We are gonna have some fun.
Chris! Time to eat!
Hey, Dad, what's all that stuff?
It's a bunch of stuff
guys on my route
got me for Father's Day.
Oh, look at this.
It's an LCD quartz
calculator alarm watch.
It's the best gift I ever got.
Ha-ha!
Maybe I could glue some
macaroni to his shoes.
* Everybody hates Chris
[***]
ALL:
Happy Father's Day!
Happy Father's Day, baby.
We love you.
Oh-ho-ho!
I love y'all too. Yeah.
Hey, y'all have fun today, okay?
Daddy, aren't you
gonna read your card?
Ooh, yeah. Let's see here.
Oh. Oh!
[CHUCKLES]
"To the best dad
in the whole world." Oh.
That's so sweet.
Oh, thank you.
Y'all enjoy y'all selves
today, all right? Okay, bye-bye.
Dad, we made your favorite
thing for breakfast.
I brought your gout pills,
so you can eat without worrying.
Oh, man, bacon, eggs with
cheese, biscuits and butter.
I feel like I died
and went to heaven.
Oh!
Thank you, baby.
Oh, you're welcome, baby.
They did it all.
When y'all leaving, huh?
All right, in a minute.
And you're welcome.
And, baby, make sure you take
those pills, okay?
All right. You guys go
get ready so we can go.
Hurry up, now. Hurry up. Faster.
Isn't that sweet?
There you go.
We have the best kids
in the world.
Oh, yeah.
They're so sweet.
They are.
That look means, "Ain't you
supposed to be leaving?"
You better hurry up. I mean...
You're gonna be late for
your, uh... The, um, ahem...
Uh, the...
Uh, what y'all doing?
We're going to the museum.
And to see the movie
Trading Places.
Oh, that should be funny.
Right. Right.
So you better hurry up,
all right?
Okay, Julius, we're leaving.
Well, I'll be home
in time for dinner, okay?
Thank you. I love you.
I love you too, baby.
Thank you.
You have a good day.
All right. Oh, I will.
Get on out of here.
Happy Father's Day!
Hey, enjoy yourself.
I will.
For my father to have one day
where he could do
whatever he felt like doing
was like finding
a million dollars.
[***]
He slept on the couch.
He slept in the bed.
He slept
on the dining room table
and dreamt his favorite dreams.
Seventeen cent worth of butter.
He watched bowling.
Yeah!
Ha-ha-ha! Yes!
He watched baseball.
ANNOUNCER:Here's the pitch.
It's gone!
Yeah!
CHRIS ROCK:
He watched golf.
ANNOUNCER:
On it's way, and it's in.
Oh-ho-ho, yeah!
CHRIS ROCK:
He even did stuff we didn't
know he did, like painting.
While my father
was doing things
he wouldn't do
while we were around,
we were doing things
we wouldn't do
while he was around.
Okay, y'all stay
where I can see you.
All right, now,
you sure about this?
Mr. Harris gave me
my money back on the watch,
so I wanted to see if I can
find Dad something he'll like.
Okay. But gift or no gift,
if you're not home by 6:30,
I'm calling the police.
My mother always told us
if we weren't home on time,
she was calling the police.
Here.
What's this?
Oh, it's money
I was gonna use
to buy a gift for your dad.
Thanks.
You're welcome, baby.
Be careful.
The only thing tougher
than finding a gift
for the man that has everything
is finding one for the man
that wants nothing.
The only time
my father wore a suit
was at funerals, graduations
and on laundry day.
The closest
my father got to jewelry
was listening to Neil Diamond.
I hope it lasts
as long as the payments.
I wasn't sure
if he would feed the rabbit,
or use the rabbit to feed us.
And let's just say
he wasn't the leg warmer type.
While I was trying to figure
out what to get my father,
my mother was trying
to figure out
what she had gotten
herself into.
What is that?
Well, honey, that's art.
You sure?
Looks like somebody got shot
and fell in a bucket
of mustard.
Be quiet, boy.
This is culture.
How much more culture
do we have to get?
Girl, just look
at the picture.
[GROUP CHATTERING]
[CHILD LAUGHS]
I wish Dad was here.
Maybe he could explain this.
Hey, Risky?
Hold up, little man.
I had looked for a gift
everywhere I could,
so I decided to look
somewhere I shouldn't have.
What kind of stuff
do you have for Father's Day?
Father's Day?
That ain't a big one for me.
There ain't none but four
fathers in the neighborhood.
Now, Mother's Day, I had
a whole bunch of stuff.
How much you got to spend?
Thirty-seven dollars.
Thirty-seven dollars?
You knock over a liquor store?
I saved up.
Man,
keep saving like that,
you'll be rich in a minute.
Maybe then I can buy one of
those pink sweaters, like him.
Your old man like music?
Who's that?
Oh.
We got John Travolta,
William Shatner.
Oh! Liberace.
That's for fathers that were
too old for Elton John.
No, thanks.
What else you got?
Uh... Oh!
How about these... for your mom?
For Father's Day?
Yeah. For him to give to her.
No.
Uh, I'm sorry I can't
help you out, young blood,
but, hey, you come back
Mother's Day, I'll hook you up.
Listen, watch this
for a few minutes.
I'm gonna run across the street,
pay my light bill. All right?
Sure.
Tell your daddy to call me
and happy Father's Day.
Back at home, my father still
had the house to himself...
Rochelle?
Chris?
...whether he liked it or not.
ANNOUNCER:
And if you order now,
you'll get this set
of microwavable...
MAN:
In the city
that never sleeps...
WOMAN:
Psychic Station
TV Network...
MAN:
This proud father goose
is no exception.
He graciously watches over
and protects his chicks,
assuring their safety
until they are old enough
to fend for themselves.
In the wild, babies are
almost never abandoned
and rarely left alone for
any extended period of time.
CHRIS ROCK:
A great man once said,
"Nothing screams louder
than the sound of silence."
I think it was Nipsy Russell.
Thank you. Enjoy your show.
Hi. Um, can I have
one adult, two children
Youmustthink I'm a fool.
You want me to believe
he's under 12?
JULIUS:
Yeah, she does.
TONYA: Daddy!
DREW: Dad!
ROCHELLE:
What are you doing here?
I missed you guys.
Father's Day
without your family...
it's like not being a father.
That look means,
"That's what I was trying
to tell your stupid ass!"
Come here.
Where's Chris?
Oh, he went to buy you a gift.
But I told...
Julius, please, just promise me
you will act like it's the best
gift you've ever gotten.
I promise.
All right.
All right.
Uh, that'll be two kids,
two adults
for, uh,Trading Places.
There you go.
What's this?
Father's Day special,
two for one.
[REGISTER BEEPING]
Happy Father's Day, Daddy.
I made these for you.
I know you said
don't get you a gift,
but I wanted something
in case you changed your mind.
Oh! Macaroni-covered
slippers! Ha-ha!
It goes with the macaroni
cigar box I got last year.
I know.
Dad, I got something
for you too.
Oh, what's this?
A bottle of iodine?
No, no, no, it's cologne.
I made it myself.
I just couldn't find
a bottle to put it in,
so I poured the iodine out
and put it in there.
Boy, that iodine cost 99...
[CLEARS THROAT]
[DOOR OPENS]
[SNIFFS]
Mm, that smells good.
Ha-ha, thank you, Drew.
ROCHELLE: Oh, that's nice.
Oh, man, thank you so much.
Chris?
You know I was about
to call the police, right?
Hey, Chris, where you been?
I was trying to find you
a gift for Father's Day.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Well, I'm sure whatever you got,
it's fine.
That's the thing.
I looked all over,
but I couldn't find you anything
I thought you would like.
Doesn't matter.
It's the thought that counts.
So did you find something?
Not really.
It's more of,
I did something for you.
[***]
What? What is it?
It's a receipt.
He paid the electric bill.
Oh, baby, that is so...
CHRIS:
When I asked if I
could get you anything,
you said I could help you
knock out a bill.
That was the only one
I could afford.
Thanks, son.
My father never really cared
much about presents,
but giving him a reason
to smile
was the best thing
I could ever do for him.
This is the best gift
I ever got.
I'll remember this forever.
Happy Father's Day.
I'm proud of you, Chris.
Becoming more
of a man every day.
Thanks, Dad.
You know, I was thinking,
it might be a good idea
if you get a job
and start paying a bill
every month.
* Everybody hates Chris
Stay tuned for scenes
from our next episode.
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now
Everyone agrees that
one of the most important days
of the year is Mother's Day.
ALL:
Happy Mother's Day!
Oh, you guys
didn't have to do this.
Everybody wants to show their
mama how much they love them.
Even Tupac
wrote a song about his mother.
On Mother's Day,
people pull out all the stops.
You take your mother
to brunch...
We're out of food.
I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
If you could
come back next Sunday.
What do you mean, next Sunday?
We're out of food, Mama.
What you want me to do?
Didn't I raise you
better than that?!
You take her to a movie so
she can wear a great big hat...
and you spend
your last dime on her,
just so she knows
she's number one.
Oh, my God! Ha-ha-ha!
Come on.
Oh! Oh! Oh, I can't believe
you did this.
But when it comes to Father's
Day, nobody gave a damn.
It's Father's Day, people.
Come on down
to Pastures and Shores.
The food is half-price.
Buenas noches.
¿Como se dice"half-off"?
The movies are terrible...
[ALL CLAMORING]
Turn it off! Turn it off!
The gifts suck...
Ta-da!
What the hell is this?
It's a parking space, honey.
We got you a parking space.
This year, I wanted to get
my father the perfect gift,
and the only way to do that
was to ask him what he wanted.
Dad, what present
do you want for Father's Day?
Heh-heh, wanna get me
something for Father's Day?
Help me knock off
one of these bills.
ROCHELLE:
Julius...
Okay.
Father's Day...
You know what?
Y'all really wanna get me
something for Father's Day?
I know exactly what I want.
What's that, baby?
A day off.
You mean a day off from work?
No.
A day off from everything
and everybody.
No fighting, no shouting,
no complaining, no fixing.
Just one day where I can do
whatever I feel like doing.
I hope he doesn't want
to leave us for a white girl.
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now
[***]
GREG:
So, wait, your dad says
he doesn't want anything?
Nope. All he said was
he wanted to be all alone.
Watch out. My mother said
she wanted a day alone.
Next thing we knew, she left
and moved to Poughkeepsie.
I don't care what he says.
I'm gonna get him something.
My father said what he wanted.
My mother said
what he was gonna get.
What kind of gift is
a day off from your family?
It's just one day.
How is that supposed
to make the kids feel?
Women always used
the kids against you.
It's Father's Day and you
don't want to be a father.
I did not say that.
They're trying to honor you,
and all you got to say is,
"Leave me the hell alone."
I did not say,
"Leave me the hell alone."
You may as well have.
I haven't had a day
to myself in 13 years.
If I didn't want
to be a father, I...
That look means if you want
to keep being a father
you better
keep your mouth shut.
It is supposed to be our day
to do something special for you.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Why can't I do what
the hell I want to do?
Huh? Say what?
Uh... You got the keys?
Well, what you gonna do here
all day by yourself anyway?
Nothing.
Well, can the kids at least
get you a real gift?
What?
What's that?
Every Father's Day card
and present I've gotten
for the past four years.
Look at this.
A box of S-Curl.
I got you that.
A macaroni cigar box.
Oh, that's so cute.
I got four ties: a necktie
a bow tie, bolo tie...
I got him that.
...and a clip-on tie.
I don't even wear ties.
I don't go nowhere.
That's $28.46 we could have used
on something else.
Well, it's the thought
that counts.
I appreciate it, I really do,
but if you buy me presents,
I'm just gonna have to work
to pay it off.
At this rate,
I'll be working when I'm dead.
Julius, you're dead.
What are you doing here?
Trying to pay off
these presents.
Listen, can I work
the graveyard shift?
Fine. Okay, then.
Have your little stinky day off.
But on your birthday,
I will promise you this.
You will be getting a cake,
and you will like it.
Oh, I know.
You better jump back
and kiss yourself.
And, uh,
put up the groceries.
Before your day off.
Does he have any hobbies?
Is taking naps a hobby?
No.
So, what are you getting
your dad for Father's Day?
I don't know if "getting" is
right. It's more like "doing."
Okay, so, what are you
doingfor your dad?
Well, first, I'm making
his favorite breakfast,
Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.
I tried to imagine
doing the things
that Greg talked about
with my father.
Like bringing him
Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.
Are you crazy?
Boy, you better
bring me some bacon.
I thought about taking my dad
to the zoo to see penguins.
We paid $3.50 to see
a bird that can't fly?
What you gonna show me next,
rats that don't eat cheese?
I even imagined us
shooting off bottle rockets
in front of the house.
[ROCKET SHRIEKING]
[BOOMING EXPLOSION]
[GUNSHOTS]
[PEOPLE YELLING]
Run, boy, run!
I wonder if Greg's dad
ever got shot at.
You decided
what you're gonna do?
I can't do the stuff
you talked about.
I only have $27.
That's not bad.
If I were you, I'd figure out
what he needs
and just give him that.
I wonder if it
would ruin our friendship
if I smacked his eyebrows off?
What you looking for, Chris?
Oh, I'm trying to find my father
something for Father's Day.
Heh, Father's Day.
My daddy liked
guns, liquor and women.
I guess he liked jail too.
What does your daddy
like to do?
That's the tough part.
All he does is sleep and work.
I know what that's like.
But I got just the thing.
A Swiss LCD quartz
calculator alarm watch.
Well, he has
an alarm clock at home.
What's he need one
in his watch for?
You never know.
[ALARM BEEPING]
Oh!
Thank goodness for this watch.
Hm, I never thought of that.
It's got a calculator too.
He can figure out
how muchanythingcosts.
If it came
with a side of bacon,
that would have been
the best gift in history.
How much does it cost?
Twenty-four ninety-five.
He just made that up.
I'll take it.
How come Daddy doesn't wanna
be with us on Father's Day?
Oh, baby, it's not
that your daddy
doesn't wanna be with us,
it's just that
he works hard all the time
and wants to have
a little time to be by himself.
Man, that's cool.
I can't wait until I'm a father
so I can have this
whole house to myself.
You are not gonna be
a father in this house,
because I ain't
taking care of no babies.
Lost your mind.
Well, can we still
get him a present?
Sure, baby.
What'd you have in mind?
These.
See, I took Daddy's old slippers
and put macaroni on them.
Oh, baby, that's nice.
I'm gonna help you
wrap them later.
Can you help me wrap mine too?
I'm making dad cologne.
Where did you learn
how to make cologne?
I saw it in the back
of a magazine.
All I need is oil,
something to give it
a little smell
and, uh, alcohol.
Then just leave it
in a jar for a week.
Mama, since Daddy
wants to be by himself,
what are we gonna do?
We are gonna have some fun.
Chris! Time to eat!
Hey, Dad, what's all that stuff?
It's a bunch of stuff
guys on my route
got me for Father's Day.
Oh, look at this.
It's an LCD quartz
calculator alarm watch.
It's the best gift I ever got.
Ha-ha!
Maybe I could glue some
macaroni to his shoes.
* Everybody hates Chris
[***]
ALL:
Happy Father's Day!
Happy Father's Day, baby.
We love you.
Oh-ho-ho!
I love y'all too. Yeah.
Hey, y'all have fun today, okay?
Daddy, aren't you
gonna read your card?
Ooh, yeah. Let's see here.
Oh. Oh!
[CHUCKLES]
"To the best dad
in the whole world." Oh.
That's so sweet.
Oh, thank you.
Y'all enjoy y'all selves
today, all right? Okay, bye-bye.
Dad, we made your favorite
thing for breakfast.
I brought your gout pills,
so you can eat without worrying.
Oh, man, bacon, eggs with
cheese, biscuits and butter.
I feel like I died
and went to heaven.
Oh!
Thank you, baby.
Oh, you're welcome, baby.
They did it all.
When y'all leaving, huh?
All right, in a minute.
And you're welcome.
And, baby, make sure you take
those pills, okay?
All right. You guys go
get ready so we can go.
Hurry up, now. Hurry up. Faster.
Isn't that sweet?
There you go.
We have the best kids
in the world.
Oh, yeah.
They're so sweet.
They are.
That look means, "Ain't you
supposed to be leaving?"
You better hurry up. I mean...
You're gonna be late for
your, uh... The, um, ahem...
Uh, the...
Uh, what y'all doing?
We're going to the museum.
And to see the movie
Trading Places.
Oh, that should be funny.
Right. Right.
So you better hurry up,
all right?
Okay, Julius, we're leaving.
Well, I'll be home
in time for dinner, okay?
Thank you. I love you.
I love you too, baby.
Thank you.
You have a good day.
All right. Oh, I will.
Get on out of here.
Happy Father's Day!
Hey, enjoy yourself.
I will.
For my father to have one day
where he could do
whatever he felt like doing
was like finding
a million dollars.
[***]
He slept on the couch.
He slept in the bed.
He slept
on the dining room table
and dreamt his favorite dreams.
Seventeen cent worth of butter.
He watched bowling.
Yeah!
Ha-ha-ha! Yes!
He watched baseball.
ANNOUNCER:Here's the pitch.
It's gone!
Yeah!
CHRIS ROCK:
He watched golf.
ANNOUNCER:
On it's way, and it's in.
Oh-ho-ho, yeah!
CHRIS ROCK:
He even did stuff we didn't
know he did, like painting.
While my father
was doing things
he wouldn't do
while we were around,
we were doing things
we wouldn't do
while he was around.
Okay, y'all stay
where I can see you.
All right, now,
you sure about this?
Mr. Harris gave me
my money back on the watch,
so I wanted to see if I can
find Dad something he'll like.
Okay. But gift or no gift,
if you're not home by 6:30,
I'm calling the police.
My mother always told us
if we weren't home on time,
she was calling the police.
Here.
What's this?
Oh, it's money
I was gonna use
to buy a gift for your dad.
Thanks.
You're welcome, baby.
Be careful.
The only thing tougher
than finding a gift
for the man that has everything
is finding one for the man
that wants nothing.
The only time
my father wore a suit
was at funerals, graduations
and on laundry day.
The closest
my father got to jewelry
was listening to Neil Diamond.
I hope it lasts
as long as the payments.
I wasn't sure
if he would feed the rabbit,
or use the rabbit to feed us.
And let's just say
he wasn't the leg warmer type.
While I was trying to figure
out what to get my father,
my mother was trying
to figure out
what she had gotten
herself into.
What is that?
Well, honey, that's art.
You sure?
Looks like somebody got shot
and fell in a bucket
of mustard.
Be quiet, boy.
This is culture.
How much more culture
do we have to get?
Girl, just look
at the picture.
[GROUP CHATTERING]
[CHILD LAUGHS]
I wish Dad was here.
Maybe he could explain this.
Hey, Risky?
Hold up, little man.
I had looked for a gift
everywhere I could,
so I decided to look
somewhere I shouldn't have.
What kind of stuff
do you have for Father's Day?
Father's Day?
That ain't a big one for me.
There ain't none but four
fathers in the neighborhood.
Now, Mother's Day, I had
a whole bunch of stuff.
How much you got to spend?
Thirty-seven dollars.
Thirty-seven dollars?
You knock over a liquor store?
I saved up.
Man,
keep saving like that,
you'll be rich in a minute.
Maybe then I can buy one of
those pink sweaters, like him.
Your old man like music?
Who's that?
Oh.
We got John Travolta,
William Shatner.
Oh! Liberace.
That's for fathers that were
too old for Elton John.
No, thanks.
What else you got?
Uh... Oh!
How about these... for your mom?
For Father's Day?
Yeah. For him to give to her.
No.
Uh, I'm sorry I can't
help you out, young blood,
but, hey, you come back
Mother's Day, I'll hook you up.
Listen, watch this
for a few minutes.
I'm gonna run across the street,
pay my light bill. All right?
Sure.
Tell your daddy to call me
and happy Father's Day.
Back at home, my father still
had the house to himself...
Rochelle?
Chris?
...whether he liked it or not.
ANNOUNCER:
And if you order now,
you'll get this set
of microwavable...
MAN:
In the city
that never sleeps...
WOMAN:
Psychic Station
TV Network...
MAN:
This proud father goose
is no exception.
He graciously watches over
and protects his chicks,
assuring their safety
until they are old enough
to fend for themselves.
In the wild, babies are
almost never abandoned
and rarely left alone for
any extended period of time.
CHRIS ROCK:
A great man once said,
"Nothing screams louder
than the sound of silence."
I think it was Nipsy Russell.
Thank you. Enjoy your show.
Hi. Um, can I have
one adult, two children
Youmustthink I'm a fool.
You want me to believe
he's under 12?
JULIUS:
Yeah, she does.
TONYA: Daddy!
DREW: Dad!
ROCHELLE:
What are you doing here?
I missed you guys.
Father's Day
without your family...
it's like not being a father.
That look means,
"That's what I was trying
to tell your stupid ass!"
Come here.
Where's Chris?
Oh, he went to buy you a gift.
But I told...
Julius, please, just promise me
you will act like it's the best
gift you've ever gotten.
I promise.
All right.
All right.
Uh, that'll be two kids,
two adults
for, uh,Trading Places.
There you go.
What's this?
Father's Day special,
two for one.
[REGISTER BEEPING]
Happy Father's Day, Daddy.
I made these for you.
I know you said
don't get you a gift,
but I wanted something
in case you changed your mind.
Oh! Macaroni-covered
slippers! Ha-ha!
It goes with the macaroni
cigar box I got last year.
I know.
Dad, I got something
for you too.
Oh, what's this?
A bottle of iodine?
No, no, no, it's cologne.
I made it myself.
I just couldn't find
a bottle to put it in,
so I poured the iodine out
and put it in there.
Boy, that iodine cost 99...
[CLEARS THROAT]
[DOOR OPENS]
[SNIFFS]
Mm, that smells good.
Ha-ha, thank you, Drew.
ROCHELLE: Oh, that's nice.
Oh, man, thank you so much.
Chris?
You know I was about
to call the police, right?
Hey, Chris, where you been?
I was trying to find you
a gift for Father's Day.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Well, I'm sure whatever you got,
it's fine.
That's the thing.
I looked all over,
but I couldn't find you anything
I thought you would like.
Doesn't matter.
It's the thought that counts.
So did you find something?
Not really.
It's more of,
I did something for you.
[***]
What? What is it?
It's a receipt.
He paid the electric bill.
Oh, baby, that is so...
CHRIS:
When I asked if I
could get you anything,
you said I could help you
knock out a bill.
That was the only one
I could afford.
Thanks, son.
My father never really cared
much about presents,
but giving him a reason
to smile
was the best thing
I could ever do for him.
This is the best gift
I ever got.
I'll remember this forever.
Happy Father's Day.
I'm proud of you, Chris.
Becoming more
of a man every day.
Thanks, Dad.
You know, I was thinking,
it might be a good idea
if you get a job
and start paying a bill
every month.
* Everybody hates Chris
Stay tuned for scenes
from our next episode.
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now