Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 18 - Everybody Hates Corleone - full transcript

[***]

NARRATOR:
It had been a year
since my mother sent me

to Corleone Junior High
for a better education.

Jerk.

NARRATOR:
Oh, I was getting a better
education, all right.

An education in misery.

I was tired of my classes.

Inga, binga, binga, bunga.

Chris, what tribe
are you from?

I don't know!

NARRATOR:
I still struggled
to get sleep.



Night, Ma.
Night, baby.

Get your butt up!
It's time to go to school.

[GROANS]

NARRATOR:
And worst of all,
everybody hated me.

The kids hated me.

The teachers hated me.

Even the lunch ladies
hated me.

The only good thing
that happened to me

at Corleone was meeting Greg.

You want to go
to the arcade?

They've got Ms. Pacman.

I don't like it over there.
Hi.

You're Chris, right?

Yeah, why?



I just wanted to let you know
I think it's pretty lame

how everybody's
been treating you.

Sorry I didn't
say anything before now.

That's all right.
Thanks.

Hey, I'm meeting some friends
over at the arcade

to play Ms. Pacman.
You want to come?

He doesn't want to.
I didn't say that.

Come on.

You can come too.

NARRATOR:
Finally, someone
was being nice to me.

I'm gonna beat
your butt in Ms. Pacman.

Oh, we'll see about that.

Surprise, Donkey Kong.

NARRATOR:
I knew it was
too good to be true.

Greg!
BOY: Run away, you little idiot.

Get him!
Ow!

Take that,
you little punk.

[SHOUTING]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, I hate him.

[SIGHS]
Silly Negro.

NARRATOR:
You know what? I think
it's time for this silly Negro

to get out of this school.

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now

[***]

Oh, my God.
What happened to you?

Mom, I am not going
back to that school.

All right, now, wait a minute.
What's going on?

I hate Corleone.

I don't fit in. Nobody likes me.
I'm always tired,

and almost every day,
somebody is picking on me.

You cannot let that stop you
from getting a good education.

We didn't send you
over there to be liked, baby.

NARRATOR:
Got that right.

The only thing I'm learning
is how to get jumped on.

How come I can't go to
Lamont Sanford Junior High?

It's only
a few blocks away.

You are not going to school
in this neighborhood.

Remember that girl got stabbed
at Marla Gibbs High School?

Chris, Sanford has nothing

but juvenile delinquents
and future convicts.

A man just got ten years

because he sold me
to an undercover cop.

What am I?
Weed, cocaine, heroin or crack?

STUDENTS: Ooh!
Rachel.

Crack.

But Mom...
But nothing, Chris.

And how did you get paint
all over you, anyway?

I went to the store
to go play Ms. Pacman.

Aha! Ah! See there?

See, now, had you not been
there in the first place,

you wouldn't
be in this mess.

I keep telling you, come
straight home from school.

Maybe now you'll listen to me.

I know you don't like
going to Corleone.

But everything is not
supposed to be easy.

You understand me?

[***]

Now, go upstairs and get
out of those clothes.

Yes, ma'am.

What happened to him?
He looks like a wet mime.

Nothing, he got
in an accident at school.

NARRATOR:
My mother never liked

to bother my father
with bad news.

Like the time Tonya
got hit by a bus.

What happened to Tonya?

Nothing.

NARRATOR:
Or the time Drew
got his legs cut off.

What happened to Drew?
Nothing.

What are you so happy about?

You know that job I applied
for at the fish market?

Yeah.
I got it!

Oh, baby, that's great!
Congratulations.

Yeah.

It pays more than my
other two jobs combined.

That's great!
I get to shop!

[CHUCKLES]
Man, for the first time
in years,

I only have
to work one job.

And I'll be working
during the day.

It's gonna feel like
retirement.

Does this mean we don't
have to be quiet

every day when we come
home from school?

You can make all the noise
you want, until 6:00.

Hey, Dad, can we start buying
name brands at the store now?

Ooh, just Oreos.

That's cool.
We need to celebrate.

Do something
we've never done before.

NARRATOR:
That can mean anything
from going to the movies

to holding hands
in the living room.

Hey, Dad. Can we go
to Great Escape?

The amusement park?

Yeah, can we go? Please?

Sure, baby.

BOTH: Yes!
I got to tell Chris.

NARRATOR:
Since my mother wouldn't
let me leave Corleone,

I had to take
drastic measures.

You're going to get
yourself kicked out?

I have to get
out of here.

What other choice
do I have?

I don't know.

I guess I just
don't want you to go.

You leave me here by myself,
I'm toast.

You'll be all right. The only
reason why they mess with you

is 'cause you
hang out with me.

You'll find new friends.
But we're a team, man.

We're like Starsky and Hutch.
Hall and Oates.

NARRATOR:
Like Itchy and Blacky.

We'll still be friends.

I'll just be
at a different school.

So you think it's gonna be
different at the other school?

Yeah. Real different.

Hey, what's your name, kid?
Chris.

What's your sign?
Gemini.

All right. This cool cat
sailed around the world

on theNiña, Pinta
and theSanta Maria.

I will give you a year's
supply of Black Fro Sheen

if you can
unscramble his name.

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

So you're serious
about this?

Hey, pygmy.

[***]

What?

I'm serious.
I got to get out of here.

Mama, when we go
to the Great Escape,

can we get
on the Neck Snapper?

No, and if you get
on the Neck Snapper,

the next ride you'll be on
will be the Butt Whupper.

Besides, Tonya,
you're too little.

Chris and I
are riding it twice.

[SNIFFING AND SNORTING]

NARRATOR:
After just one day on the job,
my father was bringing home

more than just
a bigger paycheck.

God, what is that?

Hey, everybody.

ALL:
Ew!

Oh, my God.
Julius!

What, are you selling the fish
or sleeping with a mermaid?

What's wrong?

Ooh, Drew,
go open up the windows.

Hurry up, Tonya,
go get the fans.

I'll bring y'all dinner
up to y'all later.

Since when do they get
to eat in their room?

Oh! Since you turn
people's stomachs.

You smell like...
pierced ears and cheese.

Are you gonna come home
smelling like this every day?

My God!

I don't know, but if I do,

y'all just going
to have to get used to it.

This job has
too many perks.

Ooh! What am I going
to do with that?

No, you need to take
your little friend upstairs

and put him in the shower.

If he smells anything like you,
I ain't cooking him,

and I damn sure
ain't eating him.

[SCOFFS] Baby.
Go! Just go!

[GROANS]
You smell like
curried tube socks.

Just go!

NARRATOR:
The next day I set my plan

to get kicked out
of school into action.

Chris, it's H-E-R-E.
Study!

NARRATOR:
I never could spell.

[ALARM RINGING]

NARRATOR:
Come hell or high water,

I was getting
kicked out of school.

Oh! Thank you.

Thank you.

Another 30 seconds
in there,

we would have
been blacker than you.

ALL:
I pledge allegiance
to the flag...

NARRATOR:
This has got to work, right?

ALL:
...and to the republic
for which it stands.

NARRATOR:Wrong!
ALL: One nation...

NARRATOR:
I couldn't believe
that didn't work.

After a few days of being a
full-time juvenile delinquent,

I was out of ideas
and still in school.

I give up. I'm never
getting out of here.

Come on, man.
It's not so bad.

Give it some time.
Things will change.

Hey, bacon bit, want
to go to the arcade?

I can't take this anymore!

[***]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[METAL CRASHING]

Yes!
[ALL CHATTERING]

A book hit
my windshield!

NARRATOR:
Well, the good news is, I'm
getting kicked out of Corleone.

The bad news is,
I'm going to jail!

* Everybody hates Chris

NARRATOR:
I was so busy trying to get
kicked out of school

it never occurred to me
that I might not

live long enough to transfer.

Okay, thank you
very much.

[***]

You got suspended?

It was an accident.

Well, how can you accidentally
have an accident?

Some kid was messing with me, so
I tried to hit him with my book.

If you were reading the book
instead of throwing it,

maybe people wouldn't
have time to mess with you.

They always find time
to mess with me.

I don't even want to hear it.
Don't think you gonna

be laying around watching
Knight Riderall day, okay?

You're gonna be working,
you're gonna have chores.

You know what? Just go upstairs
and wait for your father.

NARRATOR:
In our house,
"Wait for your father"

meant I was getting
a whupping.

My father took his whuppings
very seriously.

He had a belt
for every infraction.

There was the Lying Belt,

there was the Stealing Belt,

the Lying and Stealing Belt,

the Got Somebody Pregnant Belt.

And the worst was
the Doing Drugs Belt.

While I was getting ready
for my punishment,

my mother was getting ready
for my father.

He's crazy if
he think he gonna...

be...coming up in this house,

smelling it up
like 42nd Street.

Oh, no, no, no.

People in this neighborhood
ain't gonna talk about...me.

[***]

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

Rochelle...
what you doing?

Uniform was stinking
up the whole house.

I been cleaning
up all day,

trying to get that smell
out of here.

But what's all this? That's
$16 worth of plastic wrap.

This plastic is
protecting my furniture.

That fish smell was
saturating everything.

Oh, baby, you
bought groceries?

I even got you the Turtles.

Thank you, baby.

Ooh, ooh, Turtles. Mmm!

Ew!

These Turtles taste
like...turtle.

I can't eat these.

Fine. Don't eat any of 'em.

But do I get something
to eat?

No! No!
Not until you take a bath.

I do not want you
smelling up my plastic.

Here, put your clothes
in there.

Oh, and before you do that,
I-I need you to talk to Chris.

What happened?
[SIGHS] He got suspended.

Oh, no. I'm gonna
give him my belt--

No, no, no,
no, no, no.

This time, I really need
you to talk to him. Okay?

Okay.

NARRATOR:
My father smelled so bad,
I didn't know

if he was gonna beat me
or suffocate me.

Dad, before we start,
can you open up a window?

No. Consider this
part of your punishment.

Okay.

Come on, man.

Tell me what's going on.

I hate that school, Dad.

I hate everything
about it.

I know Mom wants me
to get a good education,

but every day,
it just gets worse.

You can't just quit something
'cause you don't like it, Chris.

But Mom quits her job
all the time.

But you're a man.

And men don't quit.

What if Jackie Robinson quit?

What if George Washington Carver
quit?

What if Martin Luther King Jr.
quit?

NARRATOR:
When my father had
a point to make,

he always started off strong,
but he never ended that way.

What if Colonel Sanders quit?

What if
Apollo Creed quit?

What if Katherine Jackson
quit making kids?

NARRATOR:
Ain't she a woman?

They might be
The Jackson Three.

What if Kool from
Kool and the Gang quit?

You think they would have
gotten a record contract

if they were just called
The Gang?

NARRATOR:
To this day, I can't tell you
what my father said

but that smell stayed
with me forever.

If you quit,
you're letting them win.

It's not about winning
or losing.

I just want to leave the school.

Okay, fine.

Let me talk to your mother

about getting you in
a different school.

Another school?

If you bail Chris out every time
he doesn't like something,

that means he's gonna run to you
every time he has a problem.

Which means he'll never
learn how to be a man.

If you can't teach him
how to be a man,

that means
you're a bad father.

If you're a bad father,
I picked the wrong husband.

If you think I'm about to
let people run around

talking about
I just marry anybody,

you must be out
your damn mind.

[SIGHS]
Look...

Oh, wait, wait,
no, wait!

Put the plastic down first.

Thank you.

Look, I know
you're worried.

But Chris is just not
happy at Corleone.

I'm sorry. I just don't think
Sanford is good enough for him.

Well...now that
I got this new job,

maybe we can afford to pay
for him to go to school.

We could
at least look around.

Okay, fine.

We'll look for
other schools.

And we'll look for
other soap.

You stink!

Ugh!

NARRATOR:
We looked into Hebrew school.

* Hava Nagila,
Hava Nagila, Hava... *

Next!
NARRATOR:There was

only one thing left to do.

Well, me and your father
discussed it,

and if you want to go to the
neighborhood school, you can.

For real?

Yes, but you have to
keep your grades up.

A's and B's.

If you even think about
getting in trouble,

I will march down
to that school

and knock the no-good
out of you.

We'll go to Corleone
and pick up your papers.

You can transfer next week,
after your suspension.

Thanks, Ma.

All right.
I love you.

NARRATOR:
I did this,
but here's what I felt like...

I'm out of here, suckas!

[YELLING]

NARRATOR:
I was feeling great.
Meanwhile, on the street,

my father
was clearing folks out

like a cop in a crack house.

[PEOPLE GROANING]

MAN:
Something's dead!

[***]

Mama, I don't like
Daddy's new job.

He stinks!

Yeah, but he's making
a lot more money now.

So? He stinks.

He didn't stink when
he worked his other jobs.

Well, baby, with this job, he
gets to spend more time with us.

More stink time!

Oh, come on, Tonya.
It's not that ba--

Ew!

[BOTH GAGGING]

Y'all smell that?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Damn, man!

You stink!

WOMAN:
Oh, Lord! Oh!

Rochelle?

Rochelle?

What?

Let me in.
No. You smell.

That's the smell
of a working man.

No, that is the smell
of Aquaman.

Rochelle, open the door.

No. Look, baby,

I understand
that this job

brings you more free time
and more money,

but I can't take it anymore.

The kids can't breathe.

I cannot sleep at night.

Do you not know that I'm at that
laundromat every day?

I've been burning
so much incense,

10 people came by here trying
to buy reggae albums.

MAN:
Hey, mon!

What you want me to do?
Quit!

I can't just quit!

What kind of example would
that be for the kids?

Did Thurgood Marshall quit?

Did Frederick Douglass quit?
Did Booker T. Washington quit?

I don't know,
and I don't care.

All I know is,
I want you to quit.

What about taking the kids
to Great Escape?

We don't want to go
nowhere with you.

Yeah, Daddy, you stink.

What's this?
Clean clothes.

Where am I
supposed to change?

I don't know.
Why don't you ask them cats?

[MEOWING]

NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, back at Corleone,
like Kunta Kinte,

I was waiting
for my freedom papers.

Greg!

Hey, man. What are
you doing here?

My mom came to get
my transcript.

I'm going to Sanford.

So you're really gonna go?

Yeah.

Man! Well, at least
you won't have to worry

about Caruso anymore.

Yeah. How are things
going for you?

I don't know. Caruso doesn't
bother me anymore.

In fact, nobody bothers me.

It's kind of lonely.

NARRATOR:
He must be really lonely
to miss an ass whuppin'.

Well, I got to go to class.

All right. See ya.

Yeah, see ya.

Good luck.
Thanks.

NARRATOR:
Since it was almost official,

the next day, I decided
to walk by Lamont Sanford

to get a feel of what it was
gonna be like

to go to school
in my neighborhood.

Damn! They got bullies
here too!

[CRYING]

What you looking at?

Nothing.
You guys go to school here?

Yeah. I've been going
here for 16 years.

Now boy, I asked you a
question, what you looking at?

Nothing.
Oh, so, what you trying to say?

We're nothing now?
I just...

NARRATOR:
I couldn't help but think
that if Greg was here,

he could've taken half
of this beating.

[***]

[SIGHS]

Hi, baby.

I made you dinner.

I'm sorry about your job.

I know. I can't believe
I get one good job

and it almost destroyed
the whole family.

It's okay, baby.

Don't worry. You'll find
another good job one day.

It's better to have had
one good job and lost it,

than to never have had
one good job at all.

Now I'm back to two jobs.

NARRATOR:
Yeah, now his second job
is a philosopher.

Ew!

That tastes like fish.

I told you!

[***]

Back to clean out
your locker?

Nope. Just back for good.

Cool!

NARRATOR:
Hey, this ain'tBrokeback.

Greg!
Sorry.

So, what made you
decide to come back?

I thought Corleone
was my problem,

but then I noticed
the real problem.

I'm little, skinny
and I can't fight.

So no matter where I go,
I'm still the same guy.

So they jumped you.
Yeah.

I figure the bully you know is
better than the bully you don't.

Hey, Dolomite.
Welcome back.

[SIGHS]
It was rough without you.

I had to go back to
beating up white kids.

The next time
you decide to quit,

could you let
somebody know?

So, what do we do now?

Same thing we always do.

Glad to have you back, man.

NARRATOR:
That day I realized that no
matter what school I went to,

things were gonna be rough.

But as long as I had Greg,
things were gonna be all right.

[***]

Stay tuned for scenes
from our next episode.

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now