Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 17 - Everybody Hates Funerals - full transcript

When Rochelle's dad, Gene unexpectedly dies during a family dinner, Rochelle starts acting less than normal and Chris is shocked to see his mother not acting like herself.

[***]

Chris, how many times
do I have to tell you

to quit leaving this damn
yo-yo on the floor?

What are you trying to do,
kill me?

I forgot where I left it.

Well, will you remember
when I fall

down the steps
and break my neck?

NARRATOR:
Sometimes it felt like
all my mother did

was yell at everybody.
[DOOR SLAMS]

Tonya, close the door!

You trying to freeze
the whole house?



Drew, turn that mess down!

You trying to make everybody
in the house go deaf?

And get your feet
off my table.

Julius!

Pick up your drawers!

Do I have to do everything
around here?

NARRATOR:
And when I say my mother yelled
at everybody, I mean everybody.

Rochelle, what did I tell me?

Are you trying
to drive me crazy?

NARRATOR:
But there was one person

who always put my mother
in a good mood.

Daddy!

NARRATOR:
My mother loved her daddy,
and we did too.

Oh, where's Mama?



Oh, I left her at
the hair dresser.

Where are them
grandkids of mine?

Where they at? Hey!

NARRATOR:
My grandfather was
a great storyteller.

And he didn't think
I was playing

when I smacked him
in the head with that brick.

Until this day,

when I go in there,
my food is free.

[ALL LAUGH]

Oh, man, do you have
any more good jokes?

Do I got any more
good jokes?

Come on, now! Knock, knock.

Who's there?
Pass me them pork chops.

Pass me them pork chops who?

No, pass me them pork chops
right there.

[ALL LAUGH]
He got you!

I ain't playing with you.

What's the rest
of the joke, Grandpa?

Ooh! Okay, knock, knock.

Who's there?

Oh, Lordy.

Oh, Lordy who?
[ALL LAUGHING]

I'm dying.

I'm dying who?

I'm...having a heart...

You're having a heart who?

Daddy?
[ALL LAUGHING]

ROCHELLE
Daddy.

Daddy?

NARRATOR:
I never did find out
who was there.

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now

NARRATOR:
My grandfather passing away
was the first time

I had to deal with
a death in the family.

I didn't know how to react,

and I guess
my mother didn't, either,

because instead
of doing this...

Damn. Damn. Damn!

[CRYING]

NARRATOR:
...she did this...

Good morning, everybody.

NARRATOR:
I hadn't seen my mother
that happy

since Lionel Richie went solo.

I can't believe Gene is gone.

I can't believe
he never finished that joke.

I'm never eating
pork chops again.

I can't believe he died
sitting right here.

Everybody has to die someplace.

Now eat your eggs.

TONYA:
I hate eggs.

Can I have some toast?

Sure, Tonya. No problem.

Hey, Mom, uh, do I have
to go to school today?

NARRATOR:
Usually, the only death

that could keep us
out of school was our own.

Not if you don't want to.
Cool.

Chris, do you want to stay home
from school today?

No, I have a quiz.

Oh.

Can I stay home too?
Sure.

NARRATOR:
I didn't know what was wrong

with my mother,
but at that moment,

all I could think of
doing was this...

Snap out of it, woman!

Well, everybody
have a nice day.

[HUMMING]

That was weird.

Man, your grandfather died?

That's rough.

I had a parakeet
that died once.

I cried for three weeks.

My mom is acting
really strange.

You mean strange like...

There's a TV in my head!

Oh! Ow!

Please, just make it stop!

NARRATOR:
Even the crackheads
would be scared of that.

No.

She's just really nice.

[BELL RINGS]

So were you guys close?
Yeah.

Chris, why don't you stand up
and tell the rest of the class

what you're discussing
with Gregory.

My grandfather died.
Chris, that's not funny.

What are you gonna do when
your grandfather dies for real?

Just because
you didn't study for a test

doesn't mean you can go
killing off your family.

Who's next?
Your father, your mother?

Why don't you kill your sister
or your brother?

He's telling the truth.

[***]

Oh.

Oh, Chris...

Wait...you believe him?

Of course.
And not me?

Well, Chris,
your grandfather died.

You might
say anything.

What are you even doing here?
Bring me your paper.

Don't worry
about the test.

You're excused.

NARRATOR:
In honor of my grandfather,

I should have hit her
with a brick.

Hi, Mama.
You look good.

NARRATOR:
And that's my grandmother,
Maxine.

She was the only woman
who could out-snob my mother.

Your hair smells funny.

Are you still using
that cheap perm?

Dark and Lovely, hmm?

Look at mine.
It's beautiful.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Good to see you too, Mama.

NARRATOR:
That's my Aunt Charlotte,
but we called her Grievey,

because we only saw her
at funerals.

No birthdays, no weddings.
Just funerals.

Girl, I haven't seen you
since Cheryl's funeral.

[SOBBING]

I know, I know, I know...

Grievey, stop crying.
Come on.

Okay, okay, let me go.

Grievey!

Come on, come on.

Come on.

NARRATOR:
That's Aunt Mousey.

We called her that
because she talked like a mouse

and she only spoke
when spoken directly to.

Hi, Aunt Mousey.

How you doing?

Fine.
Huh?

NARRATOR:
My Uncle Michael was almost 40
and never had a job.

He put the "um" in "bum."

Hey, sis, how you doing?

Good.
Y'all got something to eat?

Yeah, we just--

NARRATOR:
I think he saw a job
chasing him.

Hey, Shaft.

That's too bad
about your grandpa.

Sorry.

Really?

Yeah. I mean...

who's going to teach you
how to tap dance now?

NARRATOR:
Later that day, he beat up
a Chinese kid in my honor.

Oh, here you are.

Hey, everybody.
Hey, everybody.

Good to see you.

I'm going
to, uh, take

Michael and Charlotte
upstairs to get situated.

Are you okay, Mousey?
Fine.

Okay.

Um, come on,
upstairs, follow me.

Julius, shouldn't you
be at work already?

Hey, you know,
I'm on my way.

Oh.

I just came by to say hi
real quick.

How are you?

Well as can be expected.

You know, Gene and I
were married for 40 years.

I hope Rochelle and me
make it that far.

The way she
keeps this house,

I'm surprised you
haven't left already.

NARRATOR:
My grandmother
always criticized everything

my mother did.
Mama, you like my coat?

It's all leather.

Oh...feels rubbery.

Feel mine.

Italian leather.

NARRATOR:
At home, even though
my mother seemed

to be keeping it together,
the house was falling apart.

Rochelle, can you
change the channel?

Sure, no problem.

NARRATOR:
They were treating her
like she was me!

Rochelle, you going to help me
pick out this casket,

or do I have to do it
by myself?

Sure, Mama,
I'll help you in a minute.

Oh, Chellie,
get me a glass of iced tea.

Sure, Mama.

[SNIFFLING]

Tea for Mom...turtles.

[OBJECT THUDS]

Damn it!
What?

NARRATOR:
You ever had the feeling
you're about to get smacked

upside the head with a yo-yo?

Here, baby.
Be more careful.

You're not mad?

No. Why would I be mad?

Here, Mama.

Ooh!

This tea tastes funny.

What kind is it?

I think it's Lipton.

Mm-mm, tastes like Nestea.

It's Lipton.

[***]

Ick.

Hey.

Hey.

Want a turtle?

NARRATOR:
My mother offering me a turtle?

In her world,
that's a cry for help.

Mm, no thanks.

Mm.

You okay, Ma?

I'm fine.

You sure you don't want
a turtle?

[***]

Mmm...

What was that for?

I just wanted to let you know
that I love you.

NARRATOR:
Since my father
was working extra hours

and my mother
wasn't being herself,

I decided to pick up the slack
the best way I knew how.

Tonya, you go
make up your bed.

Drew, you clean up in here.

Sitting in here
playing cards...

NARRATOR:
This was gonna be harder
than I thought.

[***]

Turn that mess down!

You trying to make everyone
in the house deaf?

Take your feet
off the table.

Rochelle, tomorrow,
we're going

to the funeral home
to pick out a casket.

Please dress presentably.

I don't want him to think
that we can't afford

a decent casket.
Sure, Mama.

You okay, baby?
You need to sit down?

Oh, no, I'm fine.

NARRATOR:
As bad as she felt,
I didn't know

it was about to get worse.

Mm!

Rochelle, can't you make

a decent glass
of iced tea?

Well, can't you
leave her alone?

It's iced tea!

If you're thirsty,
well, then you drink it!

If you're not, don't!

NARRATOR:
I might be joining
my grandfather

sooner than I thought.
Are you gonna sit there

and let that boy
talk to me like that?

Boy, don't you know
I'll knock you

into another family?

Who are you?

You don't want to know.

* Everybody hates Chris

Hey, man.

Hey.

Chris...

you know you're going to have to
apologize to your grandmother.

How come? She's the one
who's been mean to Mom.

She's hurting, Chris,
and your mother is too.

I know you're trying
to protect your mother,

but trust me, you do not want
to get between the two of them.

You ain't gonna win that one.

I'm already going
to one funeral.

I ain't trying to go
to another.

Well, then what do I do?

Do what I do: nothing.

Things will work out.

All right?

Apologize.

NARRATOR:
You can't really believe

you're getting married
until you buy that tux.

And you can't really believe
somebody is dead

until you've got to buy them
a casket.

Now, we have several models.

This one right over here,

top of the line.

Made of mahogany, huh?

Has silk lining

over goose-down bedding...

and a night light.

NARRATOR:
I guess that's in case
the dead want to read.

Well, Mama, what
about the blue one?

Oh, the blue one is nice.

I don't like it.
She don't like that one.

It's a coffin,
not an Oldsmobile.

I like that one.

Good taste.

Uh, Maxine,

that costs
a lot of money.

Now, we got payment plans.

Well, can we put it
in my father-in-law's name?

Well...no.

I didn't think so.

Okay, Mama,

whatever you want.
Oh, okay.

Um, Rochelle,

even if we split
this five ways,

that's still
a lot of money.

Who's talking
about splitting it?

Well, I just assumed
we'd all chip in.

I mean, it is your husband.

Julius, I want to help out.

What's this?
It's a baseball card.

Al Oliver.
He played in Pittsburgh.

Lifetime 330 hitter.

That card is going to be worth
thousands of dollars someday.

How much is
it worth now?

About a dollar.

I got $40 saved up.

What about you,
Aunt Mousey?

I have some quarters.

NARRATOR:
Too bad he won't be playing
Asteroids.

Mama, I just don't think

that we can afford
this right now.

Why not?

Baby, you always bragging

about how your husband
has two jobs.

I do not.

I do not need this.
My man has two jobs.

My husband has two jobs.

I don't need
to be here right now.

I do not need this!
My man has two jobs, okay?

My husband deserves
to be buried with dignity.

Now, who are you
to deny me that?

Mama, we're not
trying to deny you--

--dignity, I mean--

You only die once.

[SOBBING]

You owe it to your father
to let him go in style.

Fine! Fine!

You do whatever
the hell you want.

Mama...
Come on!

Mama, I wasn't trying--

MICHAEL:
I'm coming, Mama.

Rochelle, you wrong.

Poor baby.

[CLEARS THROAT]

We'll take the blue one.

My daddy liked blue.

[***]

I always hated that picture.

It made me look
like I got smacked

in the head with a brick.

Oh, hi, Daddy.

You want a turtle?

No, but how you doing?

I'm okay.

Mama's getting
on my last nerve.

Oh, she can do that.

She used to get
on my nerves too.

You know,
just because I'm dead

doesn't mean you have
to let her push you around.

And if she tries
to do that,

you smack her in the head
with that brick.

[CHUCKLING]

[SIGHS]

NARRATOR:
By the day of the funeral,

there was still one thing
left to fight over:

who gets to ride in the limo.

[SCREAMING]

Who are you, and what
are you doing in here?

Hey, I'm Monay, this is Aisha,
and this is Tiki.

We saw the limo
so we had to hop in it.

Where y'all
about to go?

A funeral.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Who died?

My husband.

Oh.

Okay, well,
when y'all get back,

and if y'all not taking
the limo...

can we take it to the club?

Okay.

[GIGGLES]

NARRATOR:
The only thing more crowded
than a limo before the funeral

is your house
after the funeral.

Hey, what are you doing here?

My dad dropped me off
to pay my respects.

Thanks, man.
He had to go to work.

Mama! Come look!

Chris has got
a white friend.

Michael, close
your mouth.

Stop acting like you never
seen a white person before.

Hi, honey.
You hungry?

You want something
to eat?

Sure.

Well, come on.

No, thank you.

How about a slinky?
Would you like a slinky?

[ALL CHATTERING]

I left a whole load
of sloppies

in the kitchen
for you guys.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

Chris, I got
a new video game at the store.

Okay.

Next time someone dies,
let me know.

I'll get you a good deal
on a casket.

Man, what is
your problem?

Sorry about your grandfather,
Chris.

NARRATOR:
The one good thing
about losing a family member

is that you get
lots of sympathy.

What are you doing?

My grandfather died.

Just because
your grandfather died

doesn't mean you can go around
hugging people.

Sorry about
your grandfather.

NARRATOR:
At least somebody was getting
some sympathy.

Who is that?
I don't know.

Hey, little dude
from across the street,

here you go, man.

What's this?

I robbed your grandfather
a few times.

I didn't know you knew him.

[SIGHS]

My turtles.

[***]

Who ate my turtles?

Oh, is that
what you call them things?

I ate them,
but they was nasty.

What's in those things,
anyway?

If you didn't like them,
why did you eat them?

Mama, I am sick of you.

Ever since you got here, you
have not stopped complaining.

Just because Daddy is dead

does not mean
that you can come into my house

and tell everybody
what to do.

Michael, get your feet
off of my damn couch

before I slap the jam
out of your toes.

Aunt Grievey,
stop all that crying.

You cried on Easter.

You cried on Halloween.

You cried on Flag Day.

Get some Kleenex,
wipe your nose,

'cause it ain't that damn sad.

[SOBBING]

And hang up my phone!

And Aunt Mousey,

take off your coat

and speak up.

You're over there peeping
and squeaking.

[IMITATES SQUEAKING]
You sound like a damn rat.

Use your words!

You're damn near 60 years old!

And, Mama,
the next time you want

to eat my turtles, the least
you could do is like them.

[DOOR SLAMS]

NARRATOR:
She's back!

[***]

Hey.

Hey, baby.

How you doing?

I'm fine.

I brought you
your turtles.

Yay, turtles.
Thank you.

I'm proud of you
for standing up to your mother.

You had me worried there
for a minute.

Why?

I thought you were
about to smack her with a brick.

[BOTH LAUGH]

It's so good
seeing you, girl.

You take care.

You owe me
some Kleenex.

See you later, thanks for
all the chicken and things.

All right, and stay out
of them pretzels. Bye.

So...

[SIGHS]

Did he say anything
before he died?

Who, Daddy?

No, Martin Luther King.

Yes, your father.
Did he mention me?

No, he just asked
for more pork chops.

NARRATOR:
I know what you're thinking:
"She should have lied."

But actually,
the truth was better.

Figures.

I liked the flowers.

You liked them?
I guess so.

NARRATOR:
I know that doesn't seem
like much of an apology

after everything
that's happened,

but here's what
she really meant to say...

Baby, I am
so proud of you.

I know.

You are doing
a wonderful job.

I know!

I wish my no-good son
would stand up for me

the way your son
stood up for you.
I know!

And your father--
Oh, he would be so proud of you.

I know!

Well, Mama,
why are you so damn mean?

I don't know.

And baby, your hair,
it don't stink.

I know.

See you around.

Take care, Mama.

[***]

That's all of it.

Oh, thank you, baby.

I'm really going
to miss him, Mom.

Me too, Chris.
Me too.

Chris, get in here
and pick up this yo-yo!

My father died,
for goodness sake,

and now you're trying
to kill me too!

* Everybody hates Chris

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now