Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 12 - Everybody Hates a Part Time Job - full transcript

In order to get a new leather jacket, Chris goes to work with Julius. When Drew and Tonya's school is shut down because of lead paint poisoning, the two play a game of "I Dare You" which ...

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[***]

CHRIS ROCK:
When you first become
a teenager,

you think it's cool
to just be a teenager.

Then you find out
no matter how cool you act,

if you don't look cool, you
might as well be 5 years old.

And the coolest thing
you could have when I was 13

was a leather jacket.

He might not have a daddy,

but he's got a leather jacket.

Keisha, you got
a leather jacket too?

My mom just got it
off layaway for me.



I was thinking
about getting one.

You are? Why?

Look at me.
I'm skinny and I'm short.

I'm not gonna
become cool overnight.

You don't look
that bad, though.

Yeah, but I need something.

Think a leather jacket
would help?

I guess.

All I was thinking is that
the right leather jacket

would have turned me
from this guy...into this guy.

Chris.
That leather jacket is cool.

Let's hang out.

As soon as
I'm finished posing.

I knew where to get
a leather jacket.



Now all I needed was money.

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now

A leather jacket? What do you
need a leather jacket for?

Keisha said it was cool.

Think a leather jacket's
gonna make you cool?

It made these guys
gazillionaires.

It could. The only thing is,
I don't have $50.

Just save up your allowance.

My what?
Your allowance.

It's money that your parents
give you every week.

I'd heard about allowances,

but I didn't know
they actually existed.

I thought it was just something
that happened on TV.

Here you go, son.
A thousand dollars.

Thank you, father.

[CHUCKLING]

Since my father
was always working,

he always seemed
kind of grumpy.

It seemed like there was
never a good time

to ask my father for money.

Daddy, can I have $15
to go on a field trip

to the Statue of Liberty?
Okay.

Hey, Dad, can I have $5
to go to the show?

Okay.

Baby, can I get $25
to go shopping?

Okay.

It looks like this might be
a good time after all.

Hey, Dad?
Can I get a leather jacket?

A leather jacket? You got
some leather-jacket money?

What do you need
a leather jacket for?

What's wrong
with Drew's old coat?

Instead of Drew wearing
my old clothes,

I wore his old clothes.

I think I was the first kid
to get hand-me-ups.

It's too small,
it's out of style

and it's just not cool.

It ain't supposed to be cool.

It's supposed to be warm.

Being warm is cool.

I'm not asking you to buy it.
I'll save up.

Save up what?

I was hoping you can give me
an allowance.

I know it sounded like
an innocent enough question,

but here's what he heard.

Since you work
like a slave all day

and don't have time to enjoy
your money, can I have it?

I'm not giving you money
for doing nothing.

An allowance?

I'll allow you
to sleep here at night.

I'll allow you
to eat them potatoes.

I'll allow you to use my lights.

I'll allow you
to drink my Kool-Aid.

I'll allow you to nibble
on them green beans.

I'll allow you
to look at that TV.

I'll allow you
to run up my gas bill.

I'll allow you
to walk up my stairs.

I'll allow you to ask me
these ridiculous-ass questions.

Why should I give you
an allowance

when I already paid for
everything you do?

Who you know that gets
an allowance? Huh?

I'm finished.

I was talking to Greg.
He said that he gets $5 a week.

Sounds like Greg's
doing better than me.

Ask him for an allowance.

You want to buy a leather coat,

you need to get
a leather-coat job.

While things might have been
tight with my father,

my mother was getting loose.

She was always happy when
she had the house to herself.

She caught up on her reading.

She talked on the phone.

She ate expensive candy
she hid from us.

But there was one thing
that she never counted on

to mess up her day.

Coming...

What are y'all doing here?

Something went wrong
at our school.

Something about the paint.

Before vending machines were
put into schools,

hungry kids often snacked
on lead paint chips.

Mm.

This is good!

If we had ladders,
he'd have ate the asbestos.

I want one!
Me too! Me too! Me too!

Come on, me too!
Hey, give me some!

So we can go back
after they finish

repainting our classrooms.

All right, well,
stay out of my way,

'cause I'm cleaning up.

What are we gonna do all day?

I don't know. Go play.

But you all better not mess up
my house till after 4:30!

I mean, asbestos kills.
A little paint ain't gonna hurt.

After a day out of school, my
mother wasn't having any fun.

And neither were
Tonya and Drew.

What are you doing?
Nothing.

When broke kids get bored,

they play one of the cheapest
games ever invented:

"I Dare You."

I dare you

to put these ice cubes
under your armpit.

For how long?
One minute.

Okay.

Whoo! Ah!
One...

two...
Count normal, Tonya.

Three...
What is wrong with you?

I dared him to put
ice cubes under his arms.

Take the ice cubes
from under your arm.

Not...in the glass.

Boy, people gotta drink
from that.

Okay, I dare you to drink it.

You better not. That's nasty.
I'm not.

Know what, since y'all
want to dare so bad,

dare each other to sit down and
act like y'all got some sense.

How about that? I'll be glad
when y'all go back to school.

You are driving me
up the wall.

Two walls.

Now you have to do something.
That's nasty.

Meanwhile, I felt like
the only guy on earth

without a leather jacket.
You got a leather jacket?

Cool, huh? My dad got it for me
at the army surplus store.

Hey, weren't you the one

who said leather
didn't make you cool?

Yeah, but I was wrong.

So, what did your dad say
about an allowance?

He said no...
for about two hours.

Hi, Greg. Nice jacket.

Wait, she's talking to you?

Cool, huh?

I gotta get me
a leather jacket.

Finding a job when you're 13

is not the easiest thing to do.

I applied for easy jobs...

Now, why would I pay you
to put groceries in a bag

when I can put them in a bag
my damn self?

I applied for hard jobs...
Security guard, huh?

You ever been shot?

I even applied for jobs I
didn't know I was applying for.

You any good with matches?

There's a new barber
down the block.

He needs to be taught a lesson.

[TONYA GIGGLES]

I dare you
to slide down these stairs

on your back.
Give me the towel.

Only place more dangerous
than the streets of Brooklyn

were the hallways of Brooklyn.

[THUDDING]
[DREW GROANING]

After running out of options,

I could only think
of one person

that could help me find work.

Hey.

Dad, can you help me
get a job?

What?
I want to get a leather jacket.

I've been trying to get a job,
but it's not working out so far.

You want it that bad, huh?
Yeah.

Want to come to work with me?
For real?

Yeah. Tomorrow's Saturday.

You can come do deliveries
with me.

I'll be back in a few hours.
Now, be downstairs at 3:30.

Not 3:31.
Don't worry. I'll be down early.

No such thing as early.

You're either on time
or you're late.

I was committed to getting
that jacket.

Nothing was going to stop me.
Nothing except a nap.

[***]

[HORN HONKING]

[SNORING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

* Everybody hates Chris

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
He pulls up and shoots
the 12-footer.

Vandross got the rebound.
He lays it up and in.

CHRIS ROCK:
I thought my father would be
mad that I missed work.

Instead of getting
a leather jacket,

I thought I was
gonna get a leather belt.

What happened this morning?

I overslept.
How come you didn't come get me?

You the one want the job.

Job ain't gonna wait for you.

[***]

In the game of dare,
there are no rules,

there are no regulations
and the game doesn't end

till somebody's dead.

I dare you.

What you gonna give me?

Two dollars.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Drink it. Hurry up.

Hurry up, Tonya.

More.

Drink it. Whoa!

[GROANING]

Heh-heh, cool.

How was it?

Give me my $2.

[ALARM BUZZES]

The next morning,
I was up earlier

than a Marine
with a paper route.

Coffee?

[MACHINERY WHIRRING, SQUEALING]

Working with my father
was mind-blowing.

I couldn't believe
how big it was,

how loud it was,
how fast everything was going.

I felt like an Amish kid
in Vegas.

Come on.

JULIUS: What's up, George?
Hey, Herc.

What's up?
Hey!

Who's this?
That's my son, Chris.

Who's Herc?
Herc, like Hercules.

That's a strong man.

The only other names
I knew my father by

were the words
my mother called him,

and they didn't have nothing
to do with being strong.

So, little Herc,
you funny like your old man?

My father's funny?

Nah, he ain't that funny.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Funnier than you two corny...

[HORN HONKS]
[MEN EXCLAIM]

My father never cursed
at home,

so hearing him curse
at the job

made me feel like
I was in a secret club.

Get to work before
I bring your mama back in here.

Oh, no. No mamas.

Yeah, okay, whatever you say.
See you, Little Herc.

Tell your mama
to come back here too, man.

[HORN HONKING]
[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey, let's get to work.

I haven't heard cursing
like that

since my father stepped
on my mother's bunion.

[TONYA GROANS]

[TONYA GROANING, CRYING]

At home, the dare game
was over,

but the trouble
was just starting.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[GROANING SOFTLY]

What's wrong, baby? I heard you
all the way from my room.

My stomach hurts really bad.

Let me feel.

Oh, no. You're burning up.
Let me feel your tummy.

[SQUEALS, CRYING]

Okay, baby, I'm gonna take you
to the emergency room.

I'm gonna get your coat.
Drew, get up!

Going to the doctor
was serious business,

because usually, if something
was wrong with one of us,

my parents thought they could
fix it with Robitussin.

Ow! I burned my finger!

Oh, let me see, boy, let me see.

Oh, take some Robitussin.

Looks like a tooth
broke off.

Mm. I'll go get the Robitussin.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

ROCHELLE: What?
Chris just got hit by a car.

Oh, my God,
I'll go get the Robitussin.

[GROANING]

I'm not telling her.
You're the one who drank it.

You dared me!
Shh. Be quiet.

Okay, come on. Let's go.

It was cold outside.

I was tired,
and those papers were heavy.

I was starting to wonder

if that leather jacket
was worth it.

Hey, Chris.
What time you getting off?

Never.
I gotta pay off this jacket.

Okay, that's it.

Good. Now can we have a break?

We don't get a break
for another three hours.

Come on.

[SIRENS BLARING]

If you watch TV, you know
that an emergency room

is one of the most exciting
places you can be.

Wrong.

Yeah, Charlie and Karen,
They broke up.

No!
Well, he went back to New York.

Excuse me, nurse. My baby's
stomach is killing her.

The thing about people who work
in emergency rooms

is they're not the ones
with the emergency, you are.

Really? Oh, but did you see
Tracy with her new man?

But do you see me standing here
with a sick child?

Do you see me here
talking to somebody?

Quit hollerin' at people!
I don't need this.

My man has three jobs!

[***]

Being at work with my father

was one of the coolest things
I ever did. We broke laws...

Oh! Hey, we can make it!
That's red!

Hold on, man. Here we go. Whoa!

Let's go! Let's go!
Aah!

Whoo!
Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah!
Yeah!

...cursed people out.

[HORN HONKING]

Hurry up! Let's go!
Get out of the way!

[HORN BLARING]

Kiss my ass! That's right!

You too! That's right!

That was one of the most
exciting nights of my life.

We delivered papers
in Brooklyn.

We delivered papers in Queens,
Little Italy, Chinatown,

Spanish Harlem,
Puerto Rican Harlem,

the Bronx, Greenwich Village.

We delivered papers to people
I didn't even know could read.

And after delivering more than
15 tons' worth of newspapers,

all I could think was,
"Where the hell is the sun?"

Um, number 36, the doctor
will see you now.

Oh, no, no, no! Come on!
This is ridiculous!

Who's gonna help my baby?
That man's been shot.

Just because she's not shot
doesn't mean she isn't hurt.

If this wasn't an emergency,

we wouldn't have come
to the emergency room.

Look, if she doesn't get
to see a doctor,

we're gonna have
to get you a doctor.

Yeah. Now.

I'm sorry it took you
so long to get in.

It's about time
somebody threatened

to kick that nurse's ass.

Mm, I think we have
to run some tests.

What kind of tests?
Well, first we need

to draw some blood,
little lady. I'll be right back.

Mama, I don't want...
Baby, you have to take the test

in order for you to feel better.
Mom, uh...

I have to tell you something.

What?

I dared Tonya to drink
a hot sauce shake.

A hot sauce shake? Girl, what in
the world would you do that for?

He dared me!

Doctor, I don't think
that'll be necessary.

My son dared her to drink
a hot sauce shake.

A hot sauce shake?

Yeah, you know, vinegar,
hot sauce, syrup and milk.

I didn't know
it'd make her that sick.

I know what to do.

Here.

What is this?
Ipecac.

This is to induce vomiting.

When she's done,
she may have a slight cough.

Give her some Robitussin.

She'll be fine.

Ain't no fussin'
with the 'Tussin.

Ow!

Julius, you gotta take that
truck back over to DeKalb.

I'll do it tomorrow.
No, I need it done now.

You can't find somebody else?

Why should I find somebody else?
I found you.

I want that truck
back over to DeKalb now.

The only person I ever saw
tell my father what to do

was my mother.

You just gonna let him
tell you what to do?

Either that or I won't have
nothing to do. Come on.

Ow.

That hurt.

You worked hard.
Yeah.

Feels kind of good, don't it?
Yeah.

After everything
I'd been through,

I understood my father
a lot more.

Because when you work
that hard,

you think about every dime
you spend.

And I was thinking about how
I was gonna spend mine.

Twenty-five dollars?
That's right.

You earned every penny.

Don't forget
to ice down your arms.

But I need 50 for the jacket.

No, you don't. You want 50.
There's a difference.

When I asked you for the jacket,
you said I should get a job.

And I got a job.
Job didn't pay enough.

Man, you got $25.

I didn't make my first $25
till I was 30 years old.

And I still got two of 'em.

Look, you want the jacket,
save your money.

You can work with me
again next week.

Okay.
Hey...

Bye, Mommy.
See ya.

Have a good day at school.

A few days later, Drew
and Tonya were back in school

and my mother could
go back to her routine.

I've never seen a woman
so happy to clean.

Ooh!

Hello. Hello.

Meanwhile,
I was still wishing

my job had worked out
a little better.

After all I'd gone through
with my father,

I appreciated him
that much more.

Hi, man.
How do you like my jacket?

You got that one?
I got the last one on sale.

But I didn't go out
in the middle of the night

and do all that work
for nothing.

[***]

Aren't you hot in that thing?

Please. I'm fine.

Chris?!

* Everybody hates Chris

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now