Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 11 - Everybody Hates Christmas - full transcript

As rough as
I had it as a kid,

even I got excited when
Christmas came around.

Chris, how do you
spell "cabbage"?

C-A-B-B-A-G-E.

Thanks.
Cabbage Patch.

Oh, Chris!

Look at this cool BMX bike.

Oh, that's cool!

Chris, what are you
putting on your list?

I'm not writing a list.

That's for kids.



I wasn't
writing a list,

because the only
thing I wanted

was a portable
cassette player.

Having a Walkman meant you
could even listen to bad music

and nobody had to know.

# Shout, #

# let it all out... #

Unless you were dumb
enough to sing along.

# ...I can do without #

# Come on #

# I'm talking to you, #

# come on... #

I had been leaving that
ad all over the house,

so I was pretty sure my
mother got the hint.



# Meet me in the playground #

# At a quarter to 4:00 #

# Wait till #

# everybody's long gone #

# There might be some #

# things we could explore #

# Hey, baby, #

# maybe I could
walk you home... #

Since I only wanted one gift,
I knew I'd get it.

This was going to be
the best Christmas ever.

Happy Kwanza, Kunta Kinte.

Well, maybe not ever.

- I'm getting a ColecoVision.
- Wait.

You have an Atari and you're
getting a ColecoVision?

Yeah.
What are you getting?

I'm getting a Walkman.

No way.

It's the only thing
I've been asking for.

Man, I would kill for one of those.
You're so lucky.

How come your dad
doesn't get you one?

Censorship--

he wants to makes sure he can
hear the music I'm listening to.

First rap was fun,
then rap was gun.

Let me go, you bitches.
You're punks, both of you.

West side!
West side!

Years later,
Greg played some Ice Cube

and his own father shot him.

Class,

since this is the
season of giving,

I'd like you all to bring
in canned food items,

so we can donate them to
those less fortunate.

It's funny how most
people only think

about feeding the needy
during Christmas.

I'm sure there's a lot of hungry
people during President's Day.

Yes, Chris?

Do we have to bring in cans?

Can we bring in,
like, boxes of food?

You don't have to
bring anything,

but that's very
thoughtful of you.

I know this time of year must
be hard for your family.

No. We're doing fine.

I know.

I know.

She made it seem like we were having
a bowl of steam for dinner that night.

Who used up all
the hot water?

It's five degrees outside.

What you trying to do,
kill me?

Chris said it was cool when
he took a shower earlier.

Oh!

The hot water heater's
probably broken again.

You think you can fix it?

I'm already holding it together
with duct tape and hangers.

We're just gonna
have to replace it.

Well, baby, how much to you
think that's gonna cost?

More than I got.

Well, will we still have enough
money to but Christmas presents?

I thought you
finished shopping.

Well, I bought a few
things for Drew and Tonya,

but I have got to get
that Walkman for Chris.

he's been giving me hints
and clues since Thanksgiving.

Man, these kids get too
many gifts on Christmas.

When I was a kid,
instead of buying gifts,

my father used to call
the cops on Christmas

and tell us the house
got robbed.

In order to make extra
money for Christmas,

my father would do any job.

That'll be $30.

He worked as a cab driver.

That's okay.

It was easy for him
to pick up odd jobs

for extra money when
he needed it.

Merry Christmas.

- Lint roll, sir?
- Yeah.

He worked as a lint roller.

Thank you.

He even worked as
an oil taster.

This is 10-W 30.

You need 10-W 40.

Now that's a father.

Drew.

Drew.

- Drew!
- Ow!

What'd you do that for?

How do you spell "Malibu."

M-A-L-I-BOO?

Are you still writing that
stupid Christmas list?

It's not stupid.

Yes, it is.

Everybody knows there's
no Santa Claus, Tonya.

That's not true.

And it's not stupid.

- You're stupid.
- You're stupid.

You're stupid.

Drew, stop calling
your sister stupid!

My mother had
amazing hearing.

We couldn't do anything in our
house without her hearing it.

Chris! Quit throwing cotton
balls all over the place!

Now what are y'all
arguing about?

Nothing.

Drew said there's no such
thing as Santa Claus.

What are you
talking about, boy?

Of course there's a
Santa Claus, baby.

- Hey. What's up Drew?
- Hey.

Mama, we're having a
food drive at school.

Can I bring some
canned goods?

Okay. But don't take
generic brands.

Only store brands.

I do not want those people thinking
we can't afford to donate food.

My mother would give away
all the food we had if she

thought it would prove
we didn't need it.

How come you say
my list is stupid?

Because, everybody knows
there's no Santa Claus.

Come here,
let me show you something.

Where are we going?

I'm taking you to the toys.

Santa doesn't come
down the chimney.

We don't even have a chimney,
we have radiators.

Have you ever heard of Santa
Claus coming through radiators?

But how can we have our toys already
if I haven't even finished my list?

Because.

Hey, man.

What you doing?

I'm taking canned goods
to school for the needy.

Man, that's $2.89
cent worth of food.

What you trying to do,

feed the needy
or be the needy?

- Rochelle!
- Julius!

My parents tried not argue
in front of the kids,

so instead, they just made faces.

They make curse
out faces, too,

but we can't show you those.

Meanwhile, Drew was showing Tanya
something no kid should see.

See, I told you.

Whoa! Cool!

Tonya wasn't the only
one having a bad day.

Is there something wrong?

Have a seat, baby.

The last time they asked me to sit
down before they told me something,

The Jackson Five broke up.

Hey, Chris.

Um, baby, look, I know you've
been looking forward to getting

that new Walkman
for Christmas.

And, Chris,
I've always wanted my kids

to have a better Christmas
than I had growing up.

But the older you get,

the more you learn about the
sacrifices you have to make.

Sacrifices?

Uh...

Uh...

Like not getting a new pair of work
boots so you kids can have shoes.

Or like taking the subway to work
so your wife can use the car.

Mom, Dad, I'm 13.

Well, you're not getting
a present for Christmas.

He said that like
we're out of bacon.

We got to buy a
new water heater.

Well, then,
we need a plan to tell Drew and Tonya.

Tell them what?

That they're not getting
any presents for Christmas.

Who said they weren't getting
anything for Christmas?

Wait, they're getting
stuff and I'm not?

You're older, Chris.

They wouldn't understand.

Am I gonna get anything?

Oh, baby, you'll be able to use
up all the hot water you want.

So all I'm getting
is a clean ass?

Steaming hot.

# Everybody hates Chris. #

So you're not getting
anything for Christmas?

Nope.

Man, nothing for Christmas?

Isn't that considered
child abuse?

Sure does feel like it.

They're at least gonna put
something in your stocking, right?

Maybe some leftover sausage.

There's got to be
a law against this.

Oh, Chris, look at you.

You didn't have to
bring any food.

Sometimes I forget how
strong your people are.

What do you mean how
strong my people are?

"What do I mean how
strong your people are?"

You shall overcome someday.

See me after class.

I have something for you.

Okay.

We shall overcome

We shall

overcome...

Tonya, I thought you were
gonna put up the decorations.

I don't want to now.

Why not?

Because... you and
Daddy lied to me.

We lied to you?
About what?

I know there's no such
thing as Santa Claus.

When my mother heard
Tonya say those words,

it was like she wasn't
her baby anymore.

So what else to you
lie to me about?

Are you really gonna kick
me out if I get pregnant?

Is it true you ain't
taking care of no baby?

Can I really not bring
a white boy home?

Does the Foreman Grill
really knock out the fat?

Can I really get a loan
with no money down?

Are you my real mother?

Momma, I want answers.

Tonya, like Mommy told you,

there is a Santa Claus.

So how come there's a room
upstairs full of presents?

Who told you that?

Drew showed me.

Drew, get in here!

Yes, Mom?

Did you show Tonya
the presents upstairs?

Yeah.

We need to talk.

Uh... uh... no.

Hold on, Momma. No, no.

My mother talked about
beating us all the time,

but the only time she ever beat us
is when she said she wanted to talk.

And she talked the hell
out of Drew that night.

Oh... well,
what's all this stuff?

I got it from my teacher.

She thinks that we're
underprivileged and starving.

Oh, no.

Mm-mmm.

Absolutely not.

I'm not going to have them people
thinking that we don't have anything
to eat.

She wasn't too proud
to take those olives.

Where you going?

I'm taking this to put
some more food in it,

'cause you're taking this
back to school tomorrow.

My mother was so upset about
people thinking we needed charity,

she almost forgot she felt guilty
about not getting me a gift.

Chris, wait a minute.

Look... I'm sorry.

I know all of this
is not your fault.

And I know it seems kind of
crazy with me giving back

free food when we can't even afford
to buy you a Christmas gift.

It's okay.

After that, my mother gave me
the one gift she could afford--

she was really nice to me!

Who needs Christmas when all
your wildest dreams come true?

Chris gets the big piece.

I got the big
piece of chicken.

Merry Christmas.

I didn't have to
do any chores.

Tonya, wash the dishes.

I thought Chris
had to do 'em.

You thought wrong.

I got Tonya in trouble.

Ow! Ow!

Mama, Tonya hit me twice.

It felt so good,
I was thinking

what life would be like
if I never got a present.

Get up and let your
brother watch TV.

- But Mom?
- But nothing! Get up.

I wondered what I could
get if the roof caved in.

Mwa!

Hey, Drew,
can you pass me the remote?

Yeah, right.

Ma...

I couldn't believe
how good I had it.

Meanwhile, Tonya didn't
believe anything.

Mama, is cornbread
made of corn?

Hmm... no.

I think it's made
of cornmeal. Why?

Just checking.

Why, you want Santa Claus to bring
you some cornbread for Christmas?

Yeah, he could bring it with
your Cabbage Patch Doll.

Hey, hey.
Stop it.

Okay? Enough.

Leave your sister alone.

Drew, you believed in the Easter Bunny
till you was about her age, and Chris,

you damn near lost
all your teeth before

you stopped believing
in the Tooth Fairy.

There's no Easter Bunny
or Tooth Fairy, either?

Uh...

No, baby,
he-he-he didn't mean that.

Somebody better give
me my teeth back.

Baby, I didn't mean it!

I didn't mean it!

Julius!

I want my teeth back!

Baby, no...

- Tonya!
- We were joking!

It's a joke!

It's a...

It's a joke!

That's her. She said Santa
can't come to our house,

'cause all we have
is space heaters.

And Santa can't come
through a space heater.

What kind of children
are you raising?

This girl's going around
town crushing dreams.

- I...
- Is that what you want her to be?

- A dream crusher?
- No, but you...!

That girl needs
to be stopped.

Tonya!

It's the truth!

Normally, my mama would smack
the grease out of Tonya's hair.

But she couldn't smack
her for telling the truth.

What's that?

My mom made me bring
all this stuff back.

It proves that we can
afford to donate food.

Hey, look...
I got something for you.

Thanks!

- What's this?
- Open it.

"Computer Games."

- Who is it?
- George Clinton.

There's a song on there,
"Atomic Dog",

I heard on the radio.
It's really funny.

- You think I'll like it?
- I don't know.

When you finally do get your Walkman,
at least you'll have a tape.

I always liked that
Greg was so optimistic.

To this day, he still thinks Al B.
Sure's gonna make a comeback.

But if Santa
Claus is not real,

why do people make it up?

Tonya, Santa is just a way to teach
kids about the spirit of giving.

He's just a...
symbol, that's all.

Oh.

Tonya...

you're a big girl, and,
now that you're old enough to know

the truth, it's your responsibility
to not spoil it for other kids, okay?

Because you want to give them
something to believe in.

Exactly.

That's my big girl.

Mwa!

So, you do understand.

Yeah. It's okay to lie.

Good night, Mommy.

You think explaining Santa
Claus to Tonya was hard,

you should have been there
for the birds and the bees.

Eww... that's nasty!

Nobody ever seems to get
any sleep on Christmas Eve.

Everybody's up for
different reasons.

What you doing, baby?

Setting out milk and cookies.

We talked about this.

We did...
and they're not for Santa.

They're for you.

Thank you, baby.

But since
I wasn't getting anything,

I didn't have that problem.

On Christmas morning,
I even took my time going downstairs.

Now that Tonya knew there
wasn't a Santa Claus,

her complaints went
directly to my mother.

Mama, I wanted a Cabbage
Patch Doll with long hair.

How about you have no
doll with no hair?

Oh, thank you.

Okay.

Chris, this one
is for you, baby.

- Is it a new album?
- Open it and find out.

They were giving those away at the
doctor's office I deliver papers to.

I thought you could
use it for school.

Thanks.
I will.

Hey, Chris,
what'd you get?

A calendar.

A calendar?

Yeah, that's what I wanted.

See, now, look here.

Did you know that May is
High Blood Pressure Month?

No.

What if you had a calendar?

See?

All y'all should ask
for calendars next year.

That's a good idea.

Hey, Chris, you want to go ride
my bike with me outside later?

By "later," he meant summer.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, Chris...

you can have this.

You sure?

Yeah. I'm sure.

Baby, that's nice.

That's what I thought, too.

Yes! I won again!

In your face! Ooh!

What now?
I don't get New Year's?

Mwa!

- Thank you.
- For what?

For the way you've handled
not getting what you wanted.

You've really made
us proud, man.

Drew and Tonya are kids.

They need Christmas
presents more than me.

You know,
you're really growing up, Chris.

It's kind of nice having
another man around the house.

It was weird.

That morning with my
parents felt better

than any gift I ever got.

Here you go.

What's this?

Toy store coupon.

50% off.

It's good till March.

By the end of the day,

it didn't even matter anymore
that I didn't have a gift,

because I had a good day.

And right now, I'm with Mrs.
Vivian Morello.

- Hey, that's my teacher.
- And what are you doing tonight?

Every year, my students collect
food for the very poorest,

most destitute and
neediest families.

These people are so poor,

they probably don't have anything
but the clothes on their backs.

Even though they're
embarrassingly underprivileged,

they're just too
proud to ask for help.

Too proud to ask for help.

And they're poor.

And tonight, we're going to
give a family this basket.

Now, who wants somebody
coming to their door on TV

talking about how
poor they are?

So exciting.

Hmm, I'll get it.

You got it?

Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!

Chris!