Euphoria (2019–…): Season 0, Episode 0 - Trouble Don't Last Always - full transcript

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, wait. Don't kiss me.
I just woke up.

No, it doesn't matter.
They're good luck kisses.

- Oh, fuck. Wait. My presentation.
- What?

- Wait, what time is it?
- You're good. You're good. It's eight.

- Okay.
- You're good.

- I'm so fucking nervous.
- You got it.

- Mm, I can't fuck this up.
- You're gonna be amazing.

Want me to walk you to school?

Mm, I think I wanna listen to music and
clear my head, but I love you.

I love you, too.

Go. Go.

You know whatever happens
today, I'm proud of you.

Ooh.

Can you believe it?
It's everything we dreamed of.

- Mm. I love you.
- I love you.

Shit.

You had pancakes, right?

Look, Ali, I know
you don't believe me,

but I'm, I'm doing
really good, actually.

- Is that so?
- Yeah.

- Mm.
- Yeah, for sure. I mean it, you know,

could suddenly shit flip and
get super dark? Yeah, you know.

I mean it could, but...

I feel like I've found this,
like, amazing balance,

where I'm like happy and
healthy, and I'm not, like,

looking to anybody else
for that happiness, you know?

Fuckin' Jules.
The way I was, like,

putting way too much
of my emotional well-being

in her hands, you know, without ever,
like, talking about it, or saying it.

Especially the way I was fuckin'...

making plans for the rest of
our life and shit. And I just...

And I look back and I'm just like,
why the fuck did I do that?

It's fuckin' crazy. And weird.

Eh, I don't know.

I guess I just, like, made her the
point. But she's, like, not the point.

- I'm the point, you know?
- Hmmph. The point is your sobriety.

Yeah. Of course. Yeah. And, and like,
my, my general overall well-being.

- Which starts with your sobriety.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

And, like, finding an
emotional balance, you know?

You just said you found
an amazing balance.

I, I did. I have. I, I mean,
but I'm not perfect, you know, so...

I'm, I'm sane, though. Like, I'm sane.
Saner. I'm making sane decisions.

Rue. You're high.

I feel like you're not
listening to what I'm saying.

Rue, I don't think you're
listening to what you're saying.

I feel like that's physically
impossible.

To what? Talk some bullshit?

You know, that's what, like, I,
I don't understand about the world.

'Cause, like, there is tons
of people who, you know,

drink and do drugs,
and sometimes their life is good.

And sometimes,
life's just bad, you know?

It's fucking life. There's ups
and downs to this shit, but,

I mean, whether you
believe me or not,

- I'm, like, I'm good.
- Yeah, yeah, you said that.

Yeah, I mean, it's not like
I'm doing a bunch of shit.

I'm just smoking
a little bit of weed,

and taking some pills
that were prescribed to me.

My point is, it's not gonna last.

Yeah, well, neither do
my moods when I'm sober.

Okay, well, you know,
I'm not saying you're,

a paragon of mental health.
You've got your issues,

and you're gonna be
struggling with those issues

for the rest of your life.
That's a fact.

The problem is, is that
you look at sobriety

as a weakness
in the face of those issues,

and what I'm saying is,
sobriety is your greatest weapon.

Yeah.

Ali, can I tell you something?

- Yeah.
- Like, for real, if...

If I say some dark shit,
you're not gonna report me

- to the state or something?
- Rue, I'm not a guidance counselor.

I'm just a crackhead who's trying
to do a little good on this Earth

- before I die.
- You're, you're a trip, man.

- What were you gonna say?
- Ah.

- It doesn't matter. It's stupid.
- All right, I'm sorry. Come on.

- What were you gonna say? Say it.
- Nah. I don't wanna...

Say it.

When I'm, when I'm clean, you know,
when I'm present,

like a part of this world,
I don't just think about relapsing.

It's, it's darker than that.

And, you can say that sobriety is my,
greatest weapon, but...

To tell you the truth, drugs are
probably the only reason

I haven't killed myself.

Oh.

Now we're talkin'. Now you're being
real. Now you're being honest.

Because this whole bullshit about being
a functioning drug addict,

about finding balance, that ain't true.
That's a lie.

- It's not a lie.
- It's a lie, whether you know it or not,

but more importantly,
I don't give a fuck to hear it.

- Yeah, whatever, man.
- "Whatever, man"?

Whatever, man.
Listen, young blood.

I was shooting dope before
your mama's egg dropped.

I've lived a whole
motherfuckin' life

to get to this diner to sit
across from your arrogant ass,

so don't you ever "whatever" me.
You're 17. You don't know shit.

You think you're hard?
I'm harder.

You think you're tough? I'm tougher. You
got clean and want to kill yourself?

Same motherfuckin' story here.
You want to know why?

You want to know why? I'll tell you why.
'Cause you don't know how to live life.

You don't have the tools.
You're too busy running around,

trying to bullshit everybody
into thinking you're hard,

and you don't give a fuck,
when in reality,

you give so much of a fuck,
you can't even bear to be alive.

So guess what? New rule. No more wasting
my motherfuckin' time.

You wanna use? Use. But the least you
can do is be honest. Own that shit.

- Okay.
- You feel me?

- Yep.
- Why'd you relapse?

I don't know.
Couldn't stop my mind from racing.

Racing about what?

- Everything.
- Hey, hey. Get specific.

All the things I remember and
all the things I wish I didn't.

Okay. I get it.
Why didn't you call me?

Just... honestly, I wasn't
really trying not to relapse.

Yeah. Man. Okay.
Where'd you get the drugs?

I had some pills for
emergency purposes.

Fuck. So you never stood a chance.

Nope.

Do you wanna get clean?

- No.
- You sure?

Yep.

I get it. I get it.

- Is that fucked up?
- What? That you don't want to get clean?

Yeah, yeah. Of course it's fucked up.

Ah. I'm a piece of shit?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a piece
of shit. You're a piece of shit.

All right, but,
here's the silver lining.

You're not a drug addict
because you're a piece of shit.

You're a piece of shit because
you're a drug addict. You follow?

- Mm, I don't really...
- Okay, all right. What I'm saying is,

you didn't come out
of the womb an evil person.

You, Rue, came out of the womb
a beautiful baby girl,

who unbeknownst to her,
had a couple of wires crossed.

So when you tried drugs for the first
time, it set something off in your brain

that's beyond your control. And it isn't
a question of willpower.

It's not about how strong you are.
You've been fighting a losing game

since the first day you got high.
So you can destroy your life,

you can fuck your
little sister's head up,

you can abuse and torture
and take for granted your mama,

and sit here and look me in the eye,

and say, as calm as can be, as cool as
a cucumber, "Imma keep usin' drugs."

Ha.
That is the disease of addiction.

It is a degenerative disease.
It is incurable. It is deadly.

And it's no different than cancer.
And you got it.

Why? Mm. Luck of the draw.
But, hey, but the hardest part

of having the disease of addiction,
aside from having the disease,

is that no one in the world sees it as
a disease. They see you as selfish.

They see you as weak.
They see you as cruel.

They see you as, destructive.

They think, why should
I give a fuck about her

if she doesn't give a fuck
about herself or anybody else?

Why does this girl deserve my time,
my patience, my sympathy? Right?

If she wants to kill herself, let her.
All reasonable questions and responses.

But luckily, you aren't
the only person on planet Earth

who has this disease.
There happens to be people like me,

who understand that
you aren't all that bad.

Probably underneath all this
busted-ass, chaotic energy,

you might even be a good kid.
Who knows?

And that is why we are eating
pancakes on Christmas Eve.

Despite the fact that
you don't want to get clean.

- You have daughters, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Where are they?

Different places,
celebrating with their families.

Mm. You see them often?

I've never declined an invitation.

Wait, but haven't you been,
like, clean for 20 years?

- Nah, nah. I was clean for seven years.
- Wait, really?

Yeah, well, I had 12 years before that,
but you know, I got cocky.

Started to walk around thinking I was
invincible. So, now I got seven years.

- Oh, shit.
- Right.

Wait, how do you...
How do you relapse after 12 years?

You forget how bad it is.

Damn. How, how long
did you relapse for?

A... year and a half.

- Oh, fuck.
- Yeah, fuck. Yeah. Right.

Oh, shit.
Damn. I thought, I thought

you were gonna say, like, a day
or something.

Nah, nah. Once you get back in
that cycle, you know, using and abusing,

it's inescapable. Especially if you've
been clean for 12 years.

That's when the disease
starts talking.

"Twelve years, Martin, and you ain't
never getting that far again." Aah.

- Wait. Martin?
- Yeah.

- Who's Martin?
- Martin is me.

What?

- My name.
- Your name is Martin?

- It used to be. Before I converted.
- What? To what?

- To Islam.
- Ali, I'm super fucking confused

- right now.
- What am I, your first Black friend?

What'd you think,
I was actually from the Middle East?

- What...
- I'm from south Philly.

Yeah, but you, you just don't,
you don't look like a Martin.

- You don't.
- I didn't think so, either.

Do women ever convert to Islam?

- Very few.
- Mm.

You know, it's interesting,
'cause, like...

It's kind of what I struggle with.

- What do you mean?
- The NA shit.

Step one, I, I, I'm cool with.
Like, you know, I, I can,

I can agree, you know, I'm powerless
over drugs, and my life is unmanageable.

That's not, like,
fucking inconceivable.

- Right. Right.
- But... It's step two.

"Came to believe that a power greater
than ourselves

could restore us to sanity."
That one, I just, I...

I have some trouble with.

Oh, oh, okay. All right, all right, I
see. Now I get it.

You don't believe there's a power
on Earth greater than Rue.

- That's not true.
- Really?

It's not true.
I think there's tons of shit

- that is of greater power than me.
- Name one.

A Mack truck.

- What?
- Name another.

The ocean.

Try again.

Shit. I would say any song by Otis
Redding is of greater power than me.

- That doesn't make any sense.
- It does. Yeah, it does.

- It does.
- What?

The... The impact that
"Try a Little Tenderness"

had on the world is,
is more than I, I could ever do.

- Well...
- It's more than probably any of us

- will ever fucking do.
- All right, all right, all right.

Little smart ass.
Okay, that's not gonna cut it.

Ali, I don't believe in God.

Guess what? God doesn't give
a fuck if you believe in him.

- He believes in you.
- I don't know.

That, that, that sounds good, but it, it
doesn't really mean anything.

Of course it means something.
If God didn't believe in you,

you wouldn't even still be breathing.

So, you're saying
the reason my dad died

is because God didn't believe in him?

Rue, that's not what I was saying...

There's nothing that makes me
angrier than that fucking argument.

Hey, that's, that's not
what I was saying...

You know, 'cause every time
someone survives,

like, a mass shooting or some
terrible fucking earthquake,

they always say, you know,
"I survived for a reason.

God saved me for a reason.
I have a purpose."

And then I think to myself,
like, okay, well,

what you're saying is that
your life is more important

than that six-year-old
who died that day,

or the newborn who died that day, or
anybody fucking else who died that day.

Your life has a purpose, right?

Well, why does your life have a purpose,
and my dad's doesn't?

Because I could argue
that my dad's purpose

was to raise me and my sister.
To be there for my mom.

That was his purpose, I think.

But, you know.

- He's dead.
- Listen...

Ali, if you're, if you're about to tell
me that he died for a reason,

or you know, whatever,
I will literally walk the fuck out.

I, I wasn't.

He didn't die to teach us a lesson.
Okay? He didn't die to, you know,

have us all come together,
or whatever the fuck

people tell people when they
don't have anything to say.

He died because he died.
That's it. Same stupid reason

I came out of the womb
with a couple wires crossed.

Right? Just fucking luck.
You said it.

That's it.

Listen...

I don't know all the answers.

And I'm not gonna pretend to.

But I do know

that at any given point that
we're unable to see and comprehend

the overall arc of human life.
No person can see it.

The whole chain reaction of how things
come to be from beginning to end.

It's a mystery,
and will always remain a mystery.

How, six-year-old Malcolm Little's daddy
was killed in a streetcar accident.

Rumor was it that the Black Legion did
it. The KKK.

How that little boy grew up
believing that this white world

had no place for a Black man
like him, so fuck it.

He moves to Harlem, becomes a pimp.
Becomes an addict.

Starts robbing and stealing,
till he gets locked up.

Who discovers Islam.

Who starts a movement.

Who scares the living shit
out of white America so bad

that white America was so afraid
that they embraced another Negro,

one who had a dream,
not to cut the head off the snake,

even if that's what they deserved,
but to live in harmony.

Next thing you know,
Civil Rights Act.

The first legislative steps
granting you and I the right

to sit in this motherfuckin'
diner to have a conversation

about whether or not you
wanna stay clean from drugs.

Drugs that were
given to your ancestors

to keep them inebriated,
inoculated, enslaved.

Drugs that stripped them of their
ability to not just be free,

but to imagine a world
in which they were free.

So, why is one person's purpose
greater than another's?

Why are some people struck down
while others live?

Why are you, Rue Bennett,
sitting here when other 17-year-olds,

17-year-olds who are better,
who are kinder,

who are more respectful than you, aren't
sitting here, I don't know.

That's the mystery.

But here we are.

So what now?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll...

start a revolution like
Malcolm X or something.

But haven't you heard, man,
revolutions are no longer radical.

What are you talking about?

There's so many revolutions that
everybody's a revolutionary.

The rich. The poor.
The right. The left.

The young. The old.
The beggars. The bankers.

Man... is it beautiful.

Everyone all at once, fighting
one revolution after another.

I tell ya, I never thought I'd see so
many revolutions in my entire life.

The, the revolutions are
fought and won so damn fast

that the people don't even
have time to implement change,

because have you heard?
There's a new revolution.

I went down to, buy me a new pair of
kicks at the Nike store the other day.

And I look up on the wall, and I see in
20-foot letters, these words,

"Our people matter."

And I thought, man, this feels good.

Here I am, and my favorite
shoe store's out here saying,

"I know you lived a long life.

"And I know that life
ain't always been easy,

"but here you are,
at 54 years old, my brother,

and I want to say I love you."

And I'm like, man.

This feels good.

And I'm like, thank you, Nike.

And then I pick up a pair of these
sneakers and I look at the price tag,

and it says $139.99.

And I'm, like,
I thought Nike loved me.

Appreciated me and my life.
What happened here?

And I look around the store, and I see
a whole bunch of Black people,

you know, also feeling good. And I see
a whole bunch of white people, too.

Also feeling good.
Some even, you know, posing.

And taking, pictures with the
20-foot letters on the wall.

And... Shit. Yeah. Yeah. Straight up.
I just had this feeling, and I thought,

fuck you, Nike. You don't give a fuck
about anything or anyone.

Chinese Muslims are sewing these
Kaepernick sneakers

for seven cents an hour, and you're
tellin' me my Black ass matters.

Give me a fucking break.
If rap music wasn't mainstream,

if Nirvana was still the most
popular band in America,

they'd be out here saying,
"Depression Matters,"

because that's what would
move sneakers. Shit.

These advertisers. They're too good.
And they've outsmarted us.

But at the same time, your generation's
full of some mark-ass bitches,

because they've tapped into your phones.
Yeah, yeah. They've read your likes.

They've predicted your moves,
and trapped yo' asses.

You think you out here
fighting a revolution,

and Bank of America's on your side?
Give me a fucking break.

Because a true revolution has no allies.
It's just that simple.

Because a true revolution,
not a fast one,

not a quick one,
not a fashionable one,

but a real fucking revolution,
is at its core, spiritual.

It is a complete decimation of one's
priorities, beliefs, and way of living.

And reconstruction
in the spirit of...

You have to create a new God.
Or gods.

Or whatever you can.
But it is imperative

that you believe in something.
Something greater than yourself.

All right? And it can't be the
ocean, or your favorite song.

And it can't be the movement,
or the people, or the words.

You've got to believe in the poetry.

Because everything else in your life
will fail you. Including yourself.

You hear me?
That's where you are.

You're sick. Your whole system's
on the verge of collapse.

And the addict in you
is trying to sell you

on the same shit that got
you sick in the first place.

And if you keep going
the way you're going,

you'll rot from the inside
until you cave in and die.

Your only hope is a revolution. But a
real fuckin' revolution, inside and out.

But you gotta see it through.

You can't half-ass this shit.

You just have to commit to it,
every single day.

And know that you can always
do it better. And be better.

Because who knows?

one day, you might succeed.

I don't underestimate anyone.

Stranger things have happened.

Be right back.

All right?

Oh, hey, hey! Aah.

I didn't know you were
gonna pick up.

I-I thought I was gonna
get your voicemail.

Heh. Nah, nah. I'm not...
Not trying to guilt trip you.

It's just...

It's Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Your sister there?

Oh, that's good. That's good.

Tell her I, tell her
Merry Christmas for me.

And tell her I, I love her.

And I miss her very much.

No. Nah.

I'm not trying to talk to her
through you, Imani.

That's not what I was try...

Right.

I'm doing good. I'm...
I just came from my meeting.

Now I'm standing
in the parking lot. Ha.

Nah, nah, nah.

I'm just getting pancakes
with a kid I sponsor.

Hey, hey. Hey!

Who's this?

Rashad?
"Who's this?"

It's Poppo.

Poppo Ali. Wait, wait, wait.
Say it again.

Oh, yeah, little man!

Oh, oh, hey. Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. Hey. What a voice he has
on him. Right?

Wait. How tall is he by now?
Is he...

What... yeah.

Oh, yeah... Nah.

Oh, yeah. No, I, I, I understand.

It's not a problem.

Oh, wow.

I, I'm all right. I, I just feel like
I'm in a... One of them old movies.

"It's a Wonderful Life."

It's a wonderful life.

Merry Christmas, Imani.

Ali, what am I supposed
to do about Jules?

Miss Marsha?

- Question.
- Yes?

How long you been clean?

Seventeen years,

by the grace of God.

Seventeen years.

Never thought I'd be
able to say that.

But I say it with a lot of pride.
Seventeen years.

Why?

What would happen if,
you thought about dating

in the early stages
of you trying to get clean?

You want to know if I was
interested in dating,

or if I was interested
in getting clean?

'Cause the answer is "yes"
to both of those questions.

But I had to not be in a relationship,

so that I could focus
on my sobriety.

Because that's what I wanted,

and I didn't have enough energy
for both of those.

And I wanted to get clean.

Everything that's good to you
ain't always good for you.

What do you have to say to somebody
who doesn't have a whole lot of hope?

When I was a little girl growing up,

my grandma used to
always have this saying,

and I never understood what it meant...

until I was ready to get clean.

And her words were,
"Baby, trouble don't last always."

And it doesn't,
if you want to make a change.

That's up to you.

You got any more questions for me
while I'm trying to count my tips?

Nah, count 'em. Imma throw
a couple more in there later.

You need to, with your cheap ass.

That's the truth, right there.

You know...

It's funny, when I think about it.
I still blame Jules for all this shit.

Why?

'Cause...

I was clean.

And I was, like, gonna stay clean.

And for the most part,
I was pretty happy, so...

- And fuckin' Jules...
- Wait, wait. You were gonna stay clean?

- Yeah.
- With pills in your room?

- I wasn't taking them.
- You were saving them.

- Yeah.
- Even though you just said

you were gonna stay clean.
...And that relapsing was Jules' fault.

Ali, you don't know what she did to me.

You're right. I don't.

She cheated on me.

When I was sober,
she literally cheated on me.

- I didn't know that.
- Exactly.

- So, you were in a relationship.
- Yeah.

- I thought you two were just friends.
- No.

When did it shift?

The night of the carnival,
she came over,

and we, like, kissed a whole bunch.

Okay, but when did it
become a relationship?

I just told you. That night.

- It became a relationship that night.
- Yeah.

So it wasn't just kissing. You two
talked about being together.

- What? That's so weird.
- What?

Why would we talk about it?

Because that's how people
get into relationships, Rue.

- They talk about it.
- I mean, we said "I love you."

- A lot.
- I say "I love you" to my barber.

Okay, yeah, but you don't
make out with your barber.

Even if I did, my barber might
assume it was just a casual thing.

We talked about getting matching tattoos
on the inside of our lips.

Damn.

Did you?

- No, but we, we talked about it.
- Okay. Keep going.

I mean, there's nothing else to say, you
know? Except that I loved her.

I trusted her.

And when I look back at it, you know,
just, it's like she lied to me.

- And, manipulated me.
- Right.

Like the whole thing
at the train station.

Her trying to get me to run away with
her, even though I was, scared, and...

didn't have my medication...
Just kind of fucked up, and selfish.

I didn't think she
was actually gonna go.

You know, like, leave me.

It just kind of set something
off in my head, you know?

Thinking about my whole life, how...

people make all these fucking promises.

My mom kissing me
on the forehead, and...

telling me my dad's
gonna be all right.

And Jules talking about
how we're gonna live together

when she goes off to college
and sleep in the same bed,

and be together forever.

And then she ditches me.

'Cause she met another girl.

Just...

made me think about
how everyone lies.

It's not even the lies
that hurt, you know?

It's the fact that you're never
really emotionally prepared

for someone to leave you.

Just kind of messed up.

And it just started, like, this
avalanche of shit,

about maybe I deserve it.

Maybe this is the
universe's punishment

for me being a piece of shit
my entire life.

Stealing from my mom.

Hitting her in the face.

That's what I've done, Ali. I have, I
have hit my mom in the face.

I picked up a piece of glass,

and I pointed it at my mom
and I threatened to kill her.

That is some unforgivable shit.

Maybe I deserve to get my ass left

at a train station
at 1:00 a.m., you know?

Drugs change who you are
as a person.

Every time I attacked my
mom, I wasn't high.

Drugs change who you are as a person.

- It's still unforgivable.
- Nah. It's not.

- Come on.
- If I actually believe

that what you did was unforgivable,

I wouldn't be sitting here,
because what I've done in my life,

- is way more unforgivable.
- Yeah, right. No.

Ah. I said it before. I'll say it again.
You're playing pool with Minnesota Fats.

Maybe if I was some random-ass classmate
of yours with no life experience,

and I heard that you picked up a piece
of glass and threatened your mom,

I'd be like, "Ooh,
that's unforgivable."

But the more you believe that,
the sicker it makes you,

because every time you
do something unforgivable,

you think, "Why change?
I'm just a piece of shit.

I better keep going.
What's the difference now?"

Without realizing that
forgiveness is the key to change.

We're too busy running around

judging everybody's intentions
and motivations

as if we have some insight
into the human soul.

You know, "You did this, so that must
mean you're that."

Just give me a break.

Ali, I picked up a piece of glass.
I pointed it at my mom.

- And I told her I was gonna kill her.
- Right.

- That's fucking terrible.
- But what's it mean?

Means that I'm a piece of shit.

- Look deeper.
- I am.

Nah. You're not. Look deeper.

Ali, that sounds like a tag line
for a dumb fucking movie.

So just because it doesn't
sound cool enough to you,

you're gonna settle for being
superficial? That's unforgivable.

- Look deeper. What's it mean?
- That I'm violent to someone I love.

Okay, okay. Why?

Because that's who I am.

- I don't know what that means.
- It means that I'm okay with that.

Are you?

- That's what it says.
- But are you okay with that?

- No.
- So, it's not who you are.

- Yeah, well, I still did it.
- But why are you not okay with it?

Because it's a terrible
fucking thing to do.

- Why?
- Because it's shitty.

It's cruel, and it's mean,
and my mom doesn't deserve that.

- Those are all things you believe.
- Yes.

And your beliefs are part of who you
are.

- Yes, of course.
- So what you're saying is,

is that you can
simultaneously do something

- that you also believe is wrong.
- Well, doesn't you doing it

mean more than your intentions?

It all depends. Why are you
ignoring all the things you believe?

'Cause I wasn't thinking.

Okay, but that could just be the
struggle of all human beings.

- What?
- Living up to their belief system.

Not all human beings
threaten to kill their mom.

True. Yours is more extreme.
I'll give you that. But why?

- Why is it more extreme?
- Yeah.

I don't know. 'Cause of, like, drugs,
and... certain emotional disorders.

You sure it's that, and not just
because you're a terrible person?

I mean, 'cause it could just be
because you're a piece of shit.

- No, it's not that.
- I mean, 'cause there's a lot of people

with drug issues and emotional issues

that don't threaten to kill
their mothers.

- Yeah, no. I know.
- But you did. And your punishment,

the sentence you're giving
yourself is that you,

Rue Bennett, are beyond forgiveness.
That punishment is way too harsh,

and it's also way too easy.

It allows you to keep doing
exactly what you're doing

without changing,
because you deserve it.

There's no hope.
You're beyond forgiveness.

So you may as well just
fuck the fuck off forever

and go down the gutter
because that's what this girl,

this piece of shit, deserves. This is
why the world keeps getting worse.

People keep doing shit
that we deem unforgivable,

and in return, they decide
there's no reason to change.

So now you got a whole bunch
of people running around

who don't give a fuck about redemption.
That's scary.

Ali, what have you done
that's so terrible?

A lot.

- But what? For real.
- A lot.

- You're not just saying that?
- Nah.

You promise?

Why do you want to know?

Because I think you're,
like, a good person.

And I just couldn't imagine you,
like, doing something terrible.

I grew up in a house where
my dad used to beat on my mama.

He was a drunken, cold son of a bitch.

And every night, I lay in bed dreaming
of every which way to kill him.

But eventually,
my mama up and left him

and took me and my sister
with her, and life goes on.

But I always said to myself
that no matter how bad shit got,

whether I was shooting dope
or smoking crack,

I would never, ever be like my dad.

And then I, I got married.
I had two girls. It was chaos.

I was using,
and my wife wasn't having it.

We were fighting every night.
And it got physical.

And, one night I looked over and I
see my two little girls watching.

And I thought, here I am,
a grown man with two girls,

and they just watched me
hit their mom in the face.

I spent 30 years of my life...
thinking of how to kill my dad

for doing the same shit
I just did to their mom.

That's rock bottom.

It doesn't get any worse than that.

But, hey, it took me
another five years to clean up,

because for some people, there is
no rock bottom. It's bottomless.

And the truth is,

drugs will fundamentally change
who you are as a human being.

Every moral. Every principle. Everything
you hold close to your heart,

and believe in, will go out
the window or down the drain.

'Cause there's no force stronger on
planet Earth than that next fix.

Now, you may be functioning. Maybe
things go well. Maybe they last.

And maybe they don't.

But the one thing I know is true
is that the longer you do drugs,

the more you're gonna lose.

And not just in terms of
the things you love,

but the things you value
about yourself.

And every compromise you make,
every moral line that you cross,

you'll go further and further,

until you don't recognize
who the fuck you are.

And that list of racing thoughts,
that list of unforgivable things,

it grows longer.
And gets uglier.

You still think I'm a good person?

Yeah.

The thought of maybe
being a good person

is what keeps me
trying to be a good person.

Although,
some people might disagree with you.

My youngest daughter, for one.

What's her name?

Marie.

- Ali?
- Yeah?

I just don't really
plan on being here that long.

And that's...

That's the tough part
about all this, you know?

'Cause, I, I, I love talking to you.
I do.

And I agree with,
almost everything you're saying.

And I understand it.

But...

I just don't plan on
being here that long.

I get it.

We're living in dark times.

Not a lot of hope out there.

The thing I miss about doing drugs...

is the beauty.

No matter what's going on
in the world,

no matter what's going on in your life,
everything is gonna be okay.

Yeah.

The world's just really
fuckin' ugly, you know?

It's really fuckin' ugly, and...

Everybody seems to be
okay with it, you know?

The anger.

The level of anger.

Everyone's just out to make
everyone else not seem human.

And I don't really want
to be a part of it.

I don't even want to witness it.

Sure, it's not, like,
the root of all my problems,

but I definitely
think about it. A lot.

Because thinking about those questions,
those ideas, they're a large part of...

what makes this life worth living.

Right?

That's what I was
talking about earlier.

You gotta believe in the poetry.

The value of two people sitting
in a diner on Christmas Eve,

talking about life, addiction,

loss.

You don't want to be
a part of it, Rue, because...

you care about the big things in life.

I don't know if I care about
the big things in life.

Come on now, of course you do

because you obviously don't
care about the small things,

like being right, or being angry.

All the things that kill
curiosity and keeps us from...

keeps us all from looking deeper.

You said it earlier.

I love talking to you.

Because we talk about the real shit.
Shit that matters.

Like, who do you want to be
when you leave this Earth?

I'm not really sure I follow.

You said you weren't gonna be here much
longer. Okay. Then?

How do you want your mom
and sister to remember you?

As someone who tried really hard
to be someone I couldn't.

I got faith in you.

Why?

I don't know.

I just do.

Granted, I was a Christian
before I became a Muslim,

so, I've been wrong before.

Thanks.