Ersan Kuneri (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Kuru Murad - full transcript
Tired of the usual tropes, Ersan decides to make a layered period action film featuring action character Kuru Murad.
A NETFLIX SERIES
PENITENTIARY
[man] Ah, thanks.
Ahh.
[man 2] So great to see you, sir.
Great to finally be out, Eryetiş.
You look incredible, sir. Very stylish.
- [laughs] You know I like a big entrance.
- Yes, I do.
Been a long time, Erşan.
Whoa, watch where
you're shoving that thing.
I've missed you all so much.
[chuckles] We missed you too.
We have a great project to get going.
- We'll start right away. Get in.
- Ah!
[disco music playing]
[announcer] Lock and Load, Erşan Kuneri.
Lock and Load.
Something's coming in the summer of '81,
and it's gonna be hot.
Lock and Load.
Erşan Kuneri is ready to lock it
and load it all night long.
[woman] Give it to me!
[narrator] Erşan Kuneri,
bold spy, bolder lover.
Erşan Kuneri, Lock and Load.
Erşan is back,
and he's not shooting blanks.
Lock and Load.
[firing]
- Erşan Kuneri is coming for you.
- [woman moans]
Well, I liked it.
I don't know. When you said you were
going to do something different,
Lock and Load,
lots of action and all that.
I thought it was gonna be
something like what Cüneyt has been doing.
And he's a lot older than me!
Who cares about Cüneyt?
There's a lot of action in this movie.
Plus, you're banging all the other spies.
What's that guy's name?
You know what I'm talking about.
James Bond.
You're like James Bond.
Okay, Neco, but just listen to me.
So many more things happen in Bond movies.
They have tons of explosions and crashes.
For the love of God, Erşan, there were
plenty of explosions in the movie.
Erşan, I don't get it, man.
How do you not like this movie?
Well, I'm just sick of the same story.
I come home, I bang.
I fix something in the shower, I bang.
I save someone's life, I bang.
Heck, I'm even banging
when I'm comforting someone at a funeral.
- That's messed up.
- [man] Erşan.
You are beloved by people from 7 to 27.
You're a huge star.
From 7 to 27?
Who the heck are these people?
They're people.
Come on, look at the charts.
We've done all the research.
And it's right here.
What people think they're missing,
they find in you.
- They need you to lock and load.
- [Erşan] I don't care.
I wanna make a historical action movie.
Dry Murad. And here's the script.
Historical action movie.
What are you talking about?
You said Dry Murad?
- Isn't there even saliva?
- No.
Okay, hold on. I have another movie.
- Black Hole.
- Black Hole? What is that? Is it sci-fi?
No, black hole, like this.
Black Hole. That's good. Write that down.
The script for Dry Murad is done.
It's all here, and it's really good.
Just read it,
and if you like it, we'll do it.
Guys, you have nothing to worry about.
He'll get inside the fortress
and eventually bangs the princess.
Mami, if he doesn't screw the princess,
we're screwed.
Don't worry. He will. He always bangs.
I'm the star here. I wanna do Dry Murad.
It's either that or nothing at all.
The motherfucker wants to be Cüneyt.
He doesn't understand
that he's nothing like Cüneyt.
Erşan isn't here.
I'm Erşan, honey.
Oh.
Here's your tea, darling.
Tülay. She just started.
I guess if you screw your secretary,
you have to bring her tea. [sniffs]
Who was eating lahmacun here?
Alev is in there.
And these are from the print shop.
Alev.
- Come on, gimme some sugar.
- [chuckles]
Alev.
Erşan.
[gasps] Come here. Come, come, come, come.
- I'm out.
- [Alev] My love, you're out.
Oh, I'm so glad to see you.
See, my darling, it's over.
It's all over.
- I will never go in that hole ever again.
- What? Why not?
Oh, sorry. I mean, prison. [chuckles]
Oh, of course.
So good to see you. [chuckles]
Fan mail. [sighs]
Wow. I guess
this is how my fans recognize me.
Well.
Maybe I should have signed a little lower
on the card.
- Oh, look, Erşo. So young and sexy.
- Ha ha, very funny.
[laughs]
- I hear you had a premiere yesterday.
- [Alev] Some job with Fevzi.
- Leave It Inside.
- Great title.
The theater was totally packed.
Even the balcony was standing room only.
Everyone was asking about you.
I told them you were getting out soon
and that you were making a spy movie next.
He's not. He quit.
- What?
- [Mami] He doesn't wanna do it.
Lock and Load could be a big hit for us.
Lock and Load, sounds clever.
I don't get it.
- Why don't you wanna do it?
- Sweetheart, I wanna make a good movie.
Something real with action, romance
and heart, you know?
[belches] You assholes! You wanna make
a new movie and give me the boot.
Something romantic,
something with heart, so bye-bye, Alev.
Don't be ridiculous.
I have the script here.
Dry Murad.
If you like it, Mercedes is yours.
I don't have a drivers license.
- Dry Murad. This is a real script?
- Yeah. [laughs]
- Wow, and I'd be the princess?
- Yes, she's real layered character too.
Let me see that script.
- Erşan, there's gonna be sex, right?
- Yes, Mami.
But as you know, even sex has many layers.
You cause me so much stress
when you talk about layers.
Erşan, please, remember your audience.
They don't like too many fucking layers.
- "My son." Oh, very historical.
- Of course. Mami, quit pissing me off.
- What do you think?
- Count me in.
Dry Murad, huh? Not even boobs? [laughs]
Nope, a historical adventure.
[sighs]
- Some guy is here.
- [Mami] Ah, Eryetiş, come in.
- [Eryetiş] From the agency, boss.
- [Mami] Oh, good.
Eryetiş, this is for you.
- Like the moon in the sky, ma'am.
- Ow!
We're doing a commercial.
Product placement.
It's the least you could do, huh?
Well, since you guys are busy,
I'll be leaving now.
Hold on. I need your opinion too.
So the name of the product is Helpmate.
It's not just any soap, but also a mate.
I put a hole in the middle.
You see? We enlarged the logo just a bit.
And listen, this is the tune
that'll play on the radio.
- [upbeat music playing]
- [in Turkish] ♪ Don't let people hear it ♪
♪ Fap, fap, fap, don't let people see it ♪
[music stops]
- [in English] Isn't this genius?
- No way. That's to replace the real thing?
Look at that face. He loved it.
I say we give away a million of these
to the military and boarding schools.
- What do you think, Erşan?
- Okay, I'm off.
You obviously have a lot on your hands.
Do you see what I'm dealing with here?
Please read the script.
We'll meet at my place tomorrow night.
Do you really think I can do this?
Are you saying I might really sign
postcards for fans with my face on them?
- And not my ass?
- Of course you will. I'm casting now.
I'm thinking İbrahim Tumtum for Heracles.
That snob.
He wouldn't be in a movie with us.
And I'm bringing a young girl
over as well. Don't be jealous now.
Sweetheart, there was only one woman
I was ever jealous of.
- She killed herself.
- Marilyn Monroe.
No, my Aunt Asiye.
We were trying to save her, but couldn't.
- Why, what happened?
- She ended up lighting herself on fire.
And then she died.
Hey, listen, why on earth do you wanna
do a boring historical movie?
I sure hope everything is okay down here.
Although, you could
make Ben-Hur with this.
[laughing]
- Okay, I'm out.
- I'll see you later. Don't forget.
Erşan, wait a sec. Let's measure it up.
I'll get it to the molder.
Wait, let's chill out
for 15 minutes and have some tea.
I don't wanna break the mold.
[exhales]
- [dance music playing]
- [singing in Turkish]
[snaps fingers] Brother. Seyyal.
Oh, really? I thought
this was Edip Akbayram.
Well, hello, there, Muammer.
I was wondering
if you perhaps had a light.
- Uh, lighter?
- Yes.
[Mami mumbles]
[man laughs]
Oran, who is this person?
This is Seyyal.
The one I've been talking about.
Oh, really?
This is the woman you were talking about?
Can I ask,
would the lady care for a gin mint?
If it gets stuck inside,
you'll have to take it out.
- Excuse me.
- [laughs] Too profuse.
She's insane. Excuse me. Two gins, please.
You idiot, why would you
bring this hellcat to me?
I'm 72 years old. I can hardly
stand up without a bag of pills.
She'll put me in the grave, motherfucker.
Man, Seyyal dropped, like, a bomb
over Tarabya beach this summer.
She crushed 20, 30 dudes.
You should see her big sister too.
She's got an interview with Erşan.
Erşan's gonna make a historical movie.
Is she gonna play the princess?
What about that movie I was gonna be in?
Lock...sorry.
And Load.
That project is dead.
We're starting something better.
And if you'll allow me,
I'll deal with casting, Oran.
- Seyyal, honey.
- Mr. Muammer.
Mami. Call me Mami.
Oh. Mami.
Mami seems to fit
in my mouth a lot better.
Look, see how my mouth goes "Mami."
[laughs] This girl is good, really good.
But she's too good. I'm going to die
because of this girl, I'll tell you.
- My heart is bursting out of my chest.
- [both laugh]
Seyyal, honey.
Mami is Erşan's right-hand man, okay?
Oh! Let me see.
Oh, so hard.
I mean, I like it hard. [laughs]
Guys, what happened
to your open minds and free spirit?
I mean, seriously,
who cares if he's a porn star?
We will open minds.
- Just like he will open his pants for you.
- [laughing]
Ha ha. Very funny.
You're all so hilarious.
But it's too bad
you're all so close-minded.
Remember what Jung says?
- I remember what Jung said.
- [woman] Erşan.
He said sex is very important,
but there are
more important things in life.
- [laughing]
- [woman] Oh.
Ah, you told me not
to call you brother. No "brother."
[laughs] No "brother."
Freud says that too.
- He wouldn't want you to call me brother.
- [laughing]
White chocolate and gold liqueur?
Hey, do you see how nice he is? [laughs]
Hey, Erşan, they call you a sex worker.
Does it bother you?
Well, rather than a sex worker, I like
to say that I'm actually a sex boss.
Guys, I don't see
why you have to be so crude.
Uh, professor, should we get out of here?
"Professor?"
Feride, you've really lost it.
Erşan wrote the script
for the Dark Murad movie.
And he's going to direct it.
And guess who's playing Dark Murad.
But isn't Dark Murad
played by Cüneyt Arkın?
Right. Feride,
ours will be Dry Murad, dry, okay?
Oh, I thought it was the "dark" one.
I'm so sorry.
Is that a ripoff?
Well, no, it's a different interpretation.
Um, a very different approach
to heroic movies.
It'll be the first time a female character
will be presented in such an original way.
Feride's character is groundbreaking.
She'll be the first
of many things in Dry Murad.
How so?
I see the female character
in two distinct forms.
- The mother and the sister.
- Oh, please.
Bold, strong and without,
hmm, being stereotyped
as a mother or even a sister.
She's her own woman,
free from the shackles of the patriarchy.
And for the first time,
this movie will be shot
in the native dialect of Tekirdağ.
[laughing]
If this is not revolutionary,
I don't know what is.
- So it's a real thing?
- [Feride] Uh-huh.
But if you're wrong, the intellectual
community will go hard on your ass.
- [Feride] Orçun!
- Feride.
The man has made a movie
named Two Eggs and A Sausage.
Do you really believe anything he says?
Taner, that's enough.
I have no idea
how you persuaded Feride to do this,
but if you mess with her,
our fists will do the talking.
- [laughs] It's Taner, right?
- Yeah.
- My friend.
- What?
I'm gonna start
a great new project with Feride.
But before I do that,
please take a look at my postcard.
Look closely, take it all in.
Because if you bother me,
I'll beat you to a pulp with it.
- Boy, that's big.
- Absolutely.
We'll see how intellectual
you are after that, right?
You can keep the photo.
Just don't get jealous. [chuckles]
[Feride laughs]
We're going to the bar after this.
Like to join us?
- We'd love to.
- Sure.
[laughing]
- We were just leaving, right, Taner?
- [Feride] I bet.
He needs a minute to regroup.
- [chuckles] Let's go.
- [Feride] Mm-hmm.
[dance music playing]
- How's it hanging, Altın?
- Oh! Tumtum.
- Anyone asked for me lately?
- No, why? What's up?
Ayhan Işık.
Yeah, I know. We'll never have
another one like him. He was a king.
He hasn't been by?
- Who?
- Ayhan Işık.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Dude, they wanna take me out.
[man] Huh.
- Ayhan Işık?
- No, man. This guy looks like him.
His stunt double.
The other night I played poker,
and Ayhan Işık's stunt double was there.
I was in for 2,000 liras,
and I had to sign an IOU.
The guy's been asking for me everywhere.
So if anyone like Ayhan Işık,
but obviously not the real Ayhan Işık.
- Someone like him comes here, tell him...
- Tell him what?
"That there won't be another one
like him, and he should just fuck off?"
Man, how can I ever look
Ayhan Işık in the face?
You owe his stunt double 2,000 lira.
I know. It's gonna be real hard.
- [sighs]
- Lend a brother a few hundred lira?
- Unbelievable. Let me check.
- Yeah.
Dude, you really
should quit gambling, you know?
I will, man, and when I do,
I'll hold Ayhan's picture in my hand,
and I'll look him in the eye
and say, "I quit, sir. I quit gambling."
Here, I've got 300.
What are you having? I'll buy you a drink.
- Ayhan Işık's stunt double, huh?
- Yep, if anyone like him shows up...
Don't worry. I got it.
I'm not gonna tell anyone.
All right, all right!
[dance music playing]
Is that Seyyal with Mami?
She's a ticking time bomb.
- You should be careful.
- As long as she doesn't go off on Mami.
[laughing]
[Tumtum] My condolences, Mami.
I heard your cat died.
[panting] You asshole. I don't have a cat.
[laughing]
He puts socks in there.
Wool ones. Two of them.
[laughing]
- I'm out.
- Later.
İsa, darling. Usual please.
- [panting] Alev, welcome, dear.
- Thank you, Mami.
Get some water. I'm burning up. [laughs]
- What's up, baby?
- What's up?
Seyyal, she never takes a break.
And I thought I had lots of energy.
Look at her go.
Oran, I'm officially out of gas.
Go get the girl off the dance floor
before I have a heart attack.
[Alev laughs]
So charming. She's flirting with everyone.
So what? That doesn't mean anything.
I've had sex with everyone.
What makes her so great? [laughs]
[Mami] Oh, come on, Alev.
You know how Mavi Boncuk
gave Emel Sayın her big break, right?
Is it so hard to be nice once in a while?
First of all, she's a city girl.
Ah, so you're saying there are city girls
and there are farm girls, right?
[laughing] Well, hello!
Alev Alev. Seyyal.
We will all be in Dry Murad together.
Alev, how are you, dear?
Oran, how is
the rest of the casting going?
I have no idea, but I'm gonna be
one of the spies in the movie.
I see. Honey, is this
gonna be your first movie?
Oh, yes, dear. You know it.
This is gonna be my first time.
But you could be
my big sister on set, right?
- Show me the ropes.
- Oh.
Oh, what a sweet, gorgeous sister you are.
What are you having? Gin?
Gin, yeah, I'm having gin.
Hey, bartender.
- Two gins for Alev and me.
- [scoffs]
Oh, I just wanna give you a big hug.
Okay, now, listen,
I'm gonna go to the little girls' room.
Keep an eye on these drinks.
Because they
could slip something into them
and bad things could happen to me.
- Mmm!
- Oh!
My dear sister.
She totally kissed my shoulder.
What a freak!
True, but I totally like the freaks.
Looks like she got to you too. [laughs]
She definitely got to my shoulder.
I mean, what the hell was that?
[laughing]
Muammer, look.
I know Erşan's not going to
cast me as a spy,
but I hope he doesn't make me
a stupid Byzantine.
- Why? What's wrong with being a Byzantine?
- It'll just be a bad look for me.
Any look will help you make money!
You need to think long-term.
Wow! The king himself is here!
- That's my guy!
- [laughs] What's up?
Hey, Talha, the booth in the corner.
Go ahead, girls. [laughs]
Alev, my dear, this is the young girl
I was telling you about. Feride.
- When were you born, kid?
- '57.
- Single door with no pole?
- [laughs] I don't think I get it.
I'm only five years older than you.
I thought it'd be more
because he called you young girl.
Feride.
- Has a lamp on her derriere.
- [Feride laughing] Ooh.
Look at us. We've got all this young
flirting energy with nowhere to go.
Well, Alev, I want you to know
that I'm 100% supportive of this leap
in your fascinating career.
And honestly, I couldn't care less
about your pornographic history.
This journey will be good for you,
for us and for the entire society.
I mean, I'm not just approving.
I'm genuinely congratulating you.
You'll do great. Just know
you're in my heart, all right? [laughs]
Feride, this is my butt, so it's all good.
[Feride] Oh.
[laughing]
Well, Feride will give life to the role
of Avva in Dry Murad.
- And Seyyal will...
- Be giving new life to Muammer. [laughing]
- I'm shaking all over.
- Now I'm shaking. [laughs]
- Have you guys met?
- Oh, we met and really hit it off.
Erşan, listen, I'm ready
to get my hands dirty for this movie.
And dirty as they can be.
Look at my hands, they're too clean.
[laughing]
- That chick really can't help herself.
- [laughing]
Oh, God, I love your passion.
Passion is such an amazing thing.
Let's go sit down, shall we?
- [chattering, laughing]
- Come have a drink.
- Okay, friend, who do I look like?
- How would I know, bro?
- Ayhan Işık?
- Nah, I don't think so.
Look at my profile. Don't you see it?
Yo, I'm this close to smashing your face.
Ayhan Işık? Come on, bro.
What's up, Eryetiş?
Oran, who do you think
this guy looks like?
Say it quick
'cause I'm about to beat his ass.
Ayhan Işık's stunt double?
See? There you go.
Why is it so hard to get in this place?
Let me in, please.
I'm came to talk business with Erşan.
Erşan, sir. This man's looking for you.
He says he looks like Ayhan Işık
if you don't look carefully.
Ayhan Işık, seriously?
Is there anyone else like him?
Erşan, much respect, sir. If you
don't mind, I would like to say something.
Spit it out, man.
I was Ayhan's stunt double, right?
And you know, after Ayhan's passing,
life has become much harder.
- Hmm.
- [stunt double] Obviously business sucks.
I was known
for being Ayhan's stunt double.
Which was great, but on the other hand,
problem is when you look like a king,
you carry his features
and those new handsome leads,
I mean, their features,
in line with Ayhan's features.
They're good matches.
And obviously, another one like me
coming into this world is pretty unlikely.
When you put it together...
If I had half of this guy's confidence,
I'd stroll down
İstiklal Avenue stark naked.
- Dude, what are you talking about?
- [laughing]
Sir, I heard you're making a movie.
I mean, jumping, running, bouncing,
explosions, crashes, stunts...
I can handle anything.
Why didn't you say that?
We need a stuntman
with nine lives for İbrahim Tumtum.
The guy is like a delicate porcelain vase.
Nine lives is nothing for me, sir.
I can handle everything.
But İbrahim Tumtum is
in this movie as well?
Yes, İbrahim Tumtum.
You sort of look like him.
Erşan, my man!
- Well, look here. If it isn't Tumtum.
- Oh, shit.
What's going on here?
Sir, this asshole swindled me
for 2,000 lira the other day.
If you don't mind, I'd like to take him
outside and smash the shit out of him.
- Mr. Ayhan.
- Don't call me Mr. Ayhan.
- [Erşan] Ayhan.
- Yes, sir.
I'm starting a movie with Erşan.
I'll give you your money
once they give me my advance.
Dude, listen,
I do not like being messed with.
- If I don't see that money...
- Ayhan.
Yes, sir.
Come to this address
at nine o'clock tomorrow.
You're in the Dry Murad crew.
- Congrats.
- Thank you, sir.
Historical movie I imagine, sir?
I can play a Byzantine too,
even though it's a risky part.
I can handle those as well. No problem.
See? That's exactly what I said.
And about that 2,000 lira,
who should I make the check out to?
Ayhun Uşuk, please, sir.
- Thanks.
- Please don't fuck with me.
No, Ayhun is the name on my ID,
but sometimes I go by Pyro Kemal, sir.
- Here you go. All good.
- Thanks.
- Now you may kiss and make up.
- [Tumtum] Mm-hmm.
Thanks, Captain. We'll not disappoint you.
You'd better not embarrass us to Erşan.
- I will not.
- Thank you.
I'll be at this address
at the time you told me, sir.
Ayhun, who do you think
would be my lookalike?
I don't know, ma'am. Who?
Maybe you can think about it
and tell me next time. [chuckles]
[laughs] Ours is a filthy world.
It really is.
Filthy, dirty, rotten, cheap, but...
- Honest and sincere.
- [laughing]
To Dry Murad.
[all] To Dry Murad!
- Welcome aboard, my friend.
- Thank you, sir.
Well, sir, this is the movie I want
to make regardless.
Dry Murad will become a reality.
Have a good night, sir.
- [Mami] What did he say, Erşan?
- It doesn't matter.
I told him I'm shooting the movie.
They can go to hell.
Oh, God be with us.
Erşan, my boy, I still
haven't read the script you gave me.
I mean, I haven't finished it yet,
but as far as I can tell,
he conquers the Byzantine fortress,
saves the princess, but after that,
he does the thing with the princess
we talked about...
[mumbles] ...right?
Mami, you are Murad's father
and leader of the village.
- [sighs]
- Okay. Mami.
Why are you telling everybody
that you're Ayhan Işık?
- I never said I was Ayhan Işık.
- [Seyyal] Oh, fuck off.
Uh, professor, I took some notes here.
It seems
the inner journey is kind of internal.
Do you think the character would
let it show?
The girl is right.
Let her show her outsides.
[Feride] Uh-huh.
Erşan, listen,
the character says "father" to Muammer.
- Do you think he could say "fadar"?
- [Oran] Fadar?
No, I don't think the character
should have such a heavy accent.
Sir, the swords and arrows
are super high quality.
- Thanks a lot, Pyro.
- [Alev] Erşan, I noticed something.
I wonder if maybe the script has
too much sex in it.
You know, I'm just saying.
You're right, Alev.
We can't possibly have more sex
than we do in real life.
- But those parts need some shaving.
- Oh, but of course, baby.
We'll come to the set clean-shaven.
Snip snip snip,
you don't need to tell me twice.
When you say in real life,
does that mean all the time?
Four times a week.
- Is it every other day, sir?
- Or never.
Instead of guessing, just tell us.
What is the movie trying to say?
Who cares about that? I always think
a girl should just go ahead and ask.
Erşan, I need to ask you something.
I'm not a Byzantine in the movie, right?
I really don't want any drama.
Mami, listen to me.
We have a script for God's sake!
- Yes, I know, but... God! [groaning]
- [gasping]
- The arrows are working really well, sir.
- I can see that.
Listen up, everyone.
Dry Murad is an able-bodied young man
living on the outskirts
of the Overlord Mountains.
In order to know himself better
and end the tyrannical rule of Heracles,
he embarks on a journey.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [horse whinnies]
[owl hoots]
Let us see if you can pull out.
No one in this village has ever managed
to pull out that sword, son.
Father, every single time you address me
as your son,
I can't help but get suspicious.
- Look, son.
- There you go again.
If you can manage to pull out,
Aydar's sword will be yours, son.
[Murad exhales]
[sighs]
- [grunts]
- Very good.
Father, instead of a sword,
wouldn't it be better
if you gave me a pen?
They say that the pen is
mightier than the sword.
Hell no!
On the battlefield, they will
shove a pen right up a guy's asshole.
Right. Sword is good, Father.
But remember, son,
the sword comes with its own trouble.
But you already fucking gave it to me,
so what can I do?
Okay, then, let your path be your path.
No "son" now, hmm?
- No.
- [scoffs] It's tricky, huh?
- Good day to you, Murad.
- [sighs]
- Master Ayvaz.
- [laughing]
Father and son, what have you been doing?
Or I'm wrong,
and you're not father and son?
- [laughing]
- Oh, you motherfucker!
[grunting, groaning]
- [sighs, grunts] This way.
- You're getting stronger and bigger too.
- Oh! I salute you, Kozbey.
- [laughing]
[Kozbey] Welcome, Ayvaz.
Thank you, Kozbey.
Aydar's sword belongs to Murad now.
And now that he's a man,
he'll be wielding a sword.
[Ayvaz laughs]
He'll chop off heads,
shed buckets of blood.
Am I right, son?
- [Ayvaz laughs]
- [Kozbey] With that wrist.
[mumbles] Let me kiss
that mighty wrist of yours.
- I wanna kiss it.
- [laughing]
- Ayvaz.
- [Ayvaz] Huh?
Take Murad with you
when you go to Rodosto.
There, maybe you could have a day
where he'll finally learn
what it's like to be a man.
[Ayvaz] Ahh.
[Kozbey] It's getting hard to control him.
Take him and show him a good time.
He's walking around like this.
- [crunching]
- He's had the whole village, you know.
- [Murad grunts]
- [Ayvaz laughs, sighs]
- So you're finally at the age, huh, Murad?
- Oh!
You can't help it anymore,
huh, you rascal?
[laughing]
I just wish my father
would get off my back.
- [laughing]
- Telling me to go to the Byzantine.
Snatch the princess
and come back with her.
Well, why shouldn't you do that?
Your wrist is strong, Murad.
Sure, my wrist is strong.
- But I don't know.
- [laughs]
All this talk about sexual intercourse.
- It's just...
- Oh, trust me.
- Tonight, we dine.
- [laughing]
And we drink wine until dawn. [laughs]
Master, I'm shy. You know what I mean.
You don't need to be scared, Murad.
Just trust me. [chuckles]
[horse whinnies]
[soldier] Hey!
Where the hell do you think you're going,
strolling through like a buffalo?
Oh, dear, these are the Overlord's men.
Let me do the talking, Murad.
- We won't have any trouble, will we?
- No.
We're good. Do you have your ID on you?
No, I left
the tent without taking anything.
You scared us, my dear Captain.
[chuckles] We were shitting bricks.
Can I offer you some weed perhaps?
No, shut up! Where are you even going?
We were headed to Rodosto.
We're not looking for any trouble.
I'm just taking my friend here to get
acquainted with some of the locals.
[laughs]
Get off your horses.
- Let's get off, Murad.
- All right, master. [chuckles]
- Right over there?
- Move it!
I'm going. I'm going.
Look, we're not trying to brag here,
but we're kinsmen of Heracles.
[soldier] Oh, really?
- Just play along, Murad.
- You talk a big game. [laughs]
These two know Overlord Heracles.
[laughing]
So we'll just check with our records
and see
if you're really bullshitting us or not.
But anyway, what about
this handsome fella over here, hmm?
Hey, blondie, listen up.
I have an idea for you.
Stop staring at me like an idiot
and tell me who you are immediately.
The kid can't talk. You know what I mean?
What's he saying?
I mean, he doesn't know our language.
He's just a kid, you know?
I know this one,
"Go ahead and fuck your mom."
I'll smack you so hard with my sword,
you won't speak any languages very soon.
Oh, Captain,
the kid has no clue whatsoever.
He's still too young.
In the village where he grew up,
the only things
they ever taught him were cuss words.
What the hell
is this worm dick talking about?
[soldier] What?
Um, master, this is all I know.
Boy, why the hell are you saying words
when you don't know what they mean, huh?
You pussy.
Never mind him, Captain.
Just please, let us be on our way.
You two are not going anywhere
until I smack all the curse words
out of his fat face.
Heads up!
[shouts]
[groaning]
[shouting]
[grunting]
- Shall I pull it?
- [grunts] Wait, boy, wait.
Cover me. We need
to protect me... I mean, ourselves.
- [grunts]
- [shouts]
[grunts]
What the hell just happened?
Girls, come on. You guys Turks?
Murad, for Heaven's sake,
don't say a word to them.
Are you Murad?
'Cause I have business with you.
Girls, take the other guy away. Let's go.
Sister, you almost made us pee
in our pants. We didn't do anything wrong.
- Come, come on.
- Ladies, please, come on, don't.
- Murad! Girls. [screams]
- Come on!
- [women laugh]
- [Ayvaz] Murad!
Master Ayvaz!
Stay away, infidel's daughter!
Listen, I'm not a Byzantine, you idiot.
- I'm actually a deist.
- No.
It means we believe something is up there.
Something that lives upstairs.
Throw your sword aside
and come a little closer.
- Master Ayvaz!
- [Ayvaz] Murad!
Drop your sword.
[sword drops]
I am named Avva.
Look, it's on my necklace.
And this is mine by the way, Ave Maria.
[grunts]
We are a gang of misfits.
Outcasts and criminals.
The one with the blue eyes is Songül.
Next to her, the tall hot one is Irina,
and the chocolate one is Madlen.
And we just do whatever
the hell we wanna do. You understand?
We don't care about anything or anyone,
so just forget your little village.
They call us thieves 'cause we take
from the rich and give to the poor.
- Are you poor?
- Sort of.
- Hmm.
- The tent back at the village is ours.
But other than that, I'm poor.
Right. If you're poor,
why don't you come a little closer?
- Put your arms around me. Come on.
- [hesitates] Ayvaz...
[Avva] Hug me, hug me.
- What are they doing to Master Ayvaz?
- [Avva] Come on, put your arms around me.
Tighter! What are you doing?
You can do better than that.
- Nice! Let's see.
- Ow!
- Harder. I said harder.
- [grunts]
- [laughs]
- [Avva] Come on! That's it.
[exhales]
[Murad grunts]
What are you thinking about right now?
Was that seriously your first time?
Well, with that last time we did it,
it makes eight total.
[exhales] Ah.
Hey, girls,
stop slacking over there, come on!
I was gonna go to Rodosto from here,
you know.
Uh, from there,
I could maybe go to the Byzantine castle
and snatch the princess.
- My father, he...
- [laughs] Oh!
You think you're just gonna march up
to the castle and snatch the princess?
Maybe you'll fly in on a dragon as well.
Come on, come on.
We need to get going, come on.
Oh, wait a minute.
Avva, so what are we now?
What are we?
Why are you giving me those puppy eyes?
We had our fun, and it's over.
Now everyone can just go
their separate ways. Move it!
What the hell just happened?
I swear, Murad, I couldn't do anything.
They all jumped on me at the same time
and tore me apart.
That tall brunette even told me she was
going to squeeze out all of my juices.
The tongue is very important to sex.
Very important, Murad.
- Master Ayvaz.
- Huh?
I lost my virginity with her.
Good job, boy! Ha ha!
- I was gonna ask about Avva.
- Yeah.
What should I do about her?
Should I kidnap her?
Kidnap her? [laughs]
Hey, listen up. Mention my name again
and I'll smack you so hard,
you'll wish you were still a virgin.
Can we at least be friends?
We can or maybe not.
Whatever it is, it's my business.
What about
some dried meat, uh, for your journey?
I don't eat that. I'm actually vegan.
Come on, girls. Let's go.
- [sighs] Let's get out of here.
- [Ayvaz sighs]
- [Avva] Long road ahead.
- Oh, well.
Hey, don't fret.
That's how the new generation is.
Is eight good, master?
- Eight?
- Eight.
That's a lie.
- [grunts, laughing]
- [grunting]
- Oh! Wow, eight, huh? That's my boy!
- [laughing]
- [grunts]
- [groans]
[Turkish music playing]
Wow, look at this salad. So fresh!
Hey, will you cook us up some meat?
- Of course.
- Thanks.
Half a lamb is ten coins.
If this was home...
- They'd screw us.
- [laughing]
No kidding.
Tell me what's on your mind, son.
That girl Avva. She's magical.
That's what we call love, Murad.
It controls you,
and once that fire is in your heart...
Hello. May we sit here?
[laughing] Yes, of course. Huh?
Have a seat, please. Uh...
- Please, welcome.
- Welcome.
Murad.
I'm Elanora,
and this is my friend Mercedes.
- Let me give you a ride.
- [laughing]
Master Ayvaz, please continue.
Never mind, son. Don't worry about that.
Just let it go
and focus on what's in front of you.
I was just babbling. [laughs]
Is he your son?
Oh, wow, do I look that old to you, madam?
No, I call everybody son. [laughs]
You speak very well for a woman.
Well, we're here all the time
and picked up fancy words
from all the tourists
who come around here and talk to us.
We also speak a little French.
Say a little something for them.
[in French] Yesterday,
I told the flowers I love you.
- [Mercedes in English] Yes.
- [sighs] Like a nightingale.
I know some from French too.
Bonjour. Bonjour.
Bonjour?
[speaks French]
- Ah!
- [Ayvaz] Wow!
This is it, huh?
Murad, what the hell was that?
Shall I milk you? [laughing]
We are very different, sir.
- [laughing] I'd like to eat you up.
- Ooh! [laughing]
[Ayvaz] However, huh?
- Pasha. [laughing]
- Ow! Okay, that's enough. You can let go.
- Don't worry. That's just my sword.
- Oh, not a problem.
- [Mercedes] Ah!
- Okay, enjoy all this food, ladies.
Hey, so remember.
The blond one is mine, okay?
But, sis, come on.
He and I really hit it off.
No way! I'll tell your secrets
to my brother, and he'll shut you up.
I swear I'll never bring you here again,
you wench.
- [Ayvaz] Murad, I said wait.
- Buffalo yogurt, wine.
- We have a jug of wine.
- [Murad] Meat.
- [Ayvaz] Put your money back.
- Master, please.
- I can pay.
- Your father will kill me.
- Murad!
- Please, master.
How much is it going to be?
- Will you be staying the night?
- The night?
Well, what do you think, ladies?
Are we staying the night?
- How long will you be staying?
- Just one night.
[laughing]
Can it be more than one night, Elanora?
It can be a long night, boy.
Here you go. Keep the change.
You people really are something.
When I came to Byzantium,
I was very prejudiced.
Murad, I think
you did enough talking, okay?
- Time is a-wasting. [laughs]
- [laughing]
Elanora!
Oh!
[Heracles] Mercedes!
Where the hell are my sisters?
Stop yelling.
We can all hear what you're saying.
- [thuds]
- [customer grunting]
[Heracles panting]
I'm looking for my sisters,
Elanora and Mercedes.
Looks like we've
talked your heads off. Sorry about that.
[grunts]
Mercedes!
Murad, no, Murad. Don't move!
- Elanora!
- [Ayvaz] Murad! Murad!
Murad, don't do it.
What do you want, donkey dong?
Anton, hand me my mace.
The one with the axe handle.
- Which one is that?
- You know, the sort of weird-looking one.
- This?
- No.
- The lower part is a little pointy.
- [Anton] Oh, this one.
No, not that one. The lower part
looks like it has tiny balls.
- You mean this one then?
- No, come on, man. The guy's waiting here.
- Oh, okay, I got it. I got it.
- Huh?
- Who are you, brave soldier? Tell me.
- Dry Murad is my name.
Who?
I'm going to cut off your head!
So now is it just the head
you wanna cut off?
[soldiers laughing]
Anton is a comedian.
Please don't hurt him, brother.
You dumb slut, where have you been?
Didn't I tell you
to never set foot in here again?
Where's that sneaky bitch?
Is she here too? Elanora!
- Get up! Your brother's here! Come on, go!
- Okay, I'm going.
- [whimpers]
- [sighs]
Murad! Murad!
Murad, please save us.
I don't get it.
The furry dog is a chick magnet.
What gives you the right
to insult these women and call them names?
These beautiful innocent creatures
are just out to get some air,
to see a few faces
and have a very good time with us men.
Apologize to them immediately
before I tame you with my sword.
And then apologize
to every sister out there.
To every woman in your mind,
to every mother!
Stop yelling, you jerk.
That's our brother.
He may beat us, but he loves us.
We'd be turning tricks
if it weren't for him. You moron!
I guess you have a point, Mercedes.
With her tiny brain,
everything must be pretty hard.
Elanora, would you be my girlfriend?
But you can't ditch me after sex.
[in French] I won't leave you, Murad.
I'll always love you.
[in English] That's an amazing language.
Smooth like butter.
Take her somewhere safe. Go!
Bring it on!
All right, all right. Anton, stay back.
I don't wanna see you get hurt.
- Come on now, let's go!
- [soldiers laughing]
[grunting]
[groans]
[laughs]
What do you think you're doing?
These guys have axes. Don't you see that?
- Huh? Huh?
- [Anton] Overlord, Elanora's gone.
The bitch knows the way home.
Take him away.
[Murad grunts]
- Master Ayvaz!
- [Heracles] Move.
[narrator] Thrown in the dungeon,
Murad was in despair.
Now only a miracle could save him
from the clutches of the vile Heracles.
[dramatic music playing]
- Father, how's it going?
- Swell.
[laughing]
[gibbering]
[Elanora] Oh, Troy!
Come, boy! Come here.
You shouldn't be outside.
Come on! [exhales]
Whoa, good boy. Oh. [chuckles]
- [Troy gibbering]
- [shushes]
Right.
Wow, good job, Ayvaz.
- [panting] You've done great.
- [exhales]
Elanora, it always pays
to know history, huh?
[laughing]
You need to know physics,
as well as math of course, you dumbass.
- Take him!
- [Ayvaz sighs]
[mutters]
They snuck in before with a horse.
[laughing]
Stop right there.
What are you doing to this handsome man?
I'm going to gouge his eyes out, ma'am.
You couldn't even pluck out my eyebrows!
- Let me take it from here.
- [soldier grunts]
I'll sear my name on his chest.
[laughing]
- Now should I put it here?
- [Murad groans]
Or here? Or...
[soldier grunts, groans]
- Die! [laughs]
- Oh.
Why did you do that for me?
I just looked into your eyes.
It broke my heart.
You sold me out when I was trying to
defend your honor against your brother.
I'm bipolar. It's a problem.
Will you be my cure?
Shall I release you from your shackles?
Huh? Or should I not? What's it gonna be?
Tell me. I'm so confused.
I am too proud to drop my pants just
because you freed me from my prison.
And nothing can...
all right, fine, just fucking release me.
- That's better. There you go.
- [grunts, sighs]
[Heracles] Mercedes!
Brother! Brother!
You see this?
He's broken free of his shackles.
I didn't know what to do.
Kill this one. He's a curse on our family.
We can't get rid of him!
- Go to your room right now.
- [exhales]
Your sister is sick, Heracles.
What can the girl do?
Maybe she likes your muscles,
maybe it's your eyes.
Or I don't know. Maybe it's your bravery.
Look, just so you know,
I really don't see myself that way.
What do you mean?
You said I was brave.
And you're not?
- Well, I mean...
- Well, do you think I'm brave?
I mean...
Is it a yes or no?
- Exactly in what sense are you talking?
- Just tell me.
Is it a yes or no?
It's just that I don't know you that well.
Am I brave or not?
Well, what's gonna happen
if I say you're brave?
Well, you're free of your shackles, right?
Dude, what the fuck are we talking about?
Heracles, this bastard
was sneaking into the palace
disguised as a Trojan Horse.
Really? That trick's a thousand-years old.
Elanora was with him too, you know.
Hey, if you hurt Elanora,
I'll feed you to a pack of rabid dogs.
[scoffs] Which dog are you talking about?
We don't have dogs in the palace.
I'm allergic.
Tomorrow, I'll tie you
to the Byzantine wheel of fortune.
Give you a spin and see
if you can break the cycle of fortune.
- [harrumphs]
- [Anton] Move!
[Murad sighs]
Oh, Murad.
- [door closes, locks]
- Don't be sad. Don't be sad, boy.
We'll figure something out.
Shit happens. [laughs]
Ow, ow! [laughs]
[dramatic music playing]
Please don't do this. I love him.
We will all get to love him.
Let go! Let go!
We'll lick him like
he's Eastern Roman ice cream.
[laughing]
You won't be able to lick anything
once I cut out your fat tongue!
[crowd laughing, chattering]
[Heracles] Shut the fuck up!
I'll gonna make my speech.
Dear Rodostonians, welcome to the wheel.
Tonight our guest is Murad.
Murad, there are six zones on this wheel.
Whomever you come to,
they will have their way with you.
For example... [sustained bleep]
Well, if he's not even allowed
to say that on Netflix,
then I guess it must be pretty bad, right?
Master Ayvaz,
is there a wild card, you mutt?
Oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me.
I almost forgot to tell you.
There is. If you land
on the green area, you're a free man.
But until you have your freedom,
the wheel will keep turning.
- Just like life! [laughing]
- [crowd laughing]
- [Murad gasps]
- Spin the wheel!
Master Ayvaz!
[Ayvaz] Murad!
Hold on to the child inside you.
[Murad] No, I don't want intercourse!
[laughing]
- [crowd chanting] Mercedes! Mercedes!
- Oh, yes!
- [Heracles laughing]
- I'm coming! I'm coming!
Elanora!
[chanting] Mercedes! Mercedes!
Mercedes! Mercedes...
All right, now!
- You're gonna eat it.
- No, I really don't want to!
Elanora! Here's to you!
- All siblings share, don't worry.
- Murad!
[sighs]
- No, don't!
- [Mercedes] Stop squirming.
Stop it.
- [groaning]
- [Mercedes] Stop squirming!
[grunting]
Drain it!
- Oh, yeah!
- [crowd cheering]
Elanora, I rode him for you, girl!
- [grunts]
- [chanting continues] Mercedes...
- Not bad at all.
- Mercedes! Mercedes...
Come on down. If you're so brave,
why don't you fight yourself?
- I'll get my turn in time.
- [laughing]
Ah, that reminds me.
He asked if there was a wild card.
To the blank green spot. Go on!
[grunts] No! No!
[gasps]
Murad, you should've broken that
wheel by now. What are you waiting for?
Master, I can't do it. I just can't!
[laughs] Spin it!
[Murad] Master!
- Oh! Don't let it stop at you!
- Murad!
- Murad!
- Master Ayvaz!
- Break the wheel of fortune!
- [Murad groaning] Sir!
No!
- No! [grunting]
- Oh, never!
Never!
Absolutely not. No way!
- I can't do it, master.
- Neither can I, boy!
[crowd clamoring]
[grunting]
Avva!
They say chivalry is dead, huh?
- Bring it on!
- [Avva chuckles]
[grunting]
Anton, get behind me!
[grunting]
- [shouts]
- [grunts]
[panting] Come on! You lapdog!
- [shouting]
- [grunting]
- [shouting]
- [grunting]
- [shouting]
- [grunting]
[Murad] I'm here!
[groaning]
Fight me, you coward!
Go get him. Let's go!
- What?!
- [grunting]
[Mercedes] Brother!
Do you rely on your shield?
- [grunting]
- Anton, I want you to kill him!
What the hell are you doing?
- [grunting]
- [shouting]
[grunting]
- [shouts]
- [grunts]
- [grunts]
- [groans]
Goodbye, Overlord!
He's done!
This man's gonna kill everyone
in the castle. Hey!
- [Murad] Come on!
- [grunting]
You call yourselves soldiers?
He's gonna kill everyone!
Go! Get him!
- [shouting]
- [grunting]
- [shouting]
- [grunting]
Guys, if you're dead, you're out!
- [grunts]
- [soldiers groaning]
- [soldier grunts]
- [Murad exhales]
He's slashing everyone.
- Are we done yet?
- What?
[soldiers groaning]
I said, "Are we done?"
I can't hear him. Everyone just die!
Go, Murad, go.
Oh, so gross!
[Ayvaz sighs]
Unless this bloodshed stops now,
we can neither hear
nor understand each other, Heracles.
When I came to Byzantium, I only hoped
to take the princess and leave.
I'm ashamed.
Why didn't you tell me that
in the first place?
I don't know. I was shy, I guess.
- Ah, you can't be shy when you're in love.
- [Murad] You're right.
That was stupid of me.
- I love you very much, Elanora.
- Look, we've had brides coming and going.
If you would have just told me,
we could have had some meat,
a few glasses of raki,
and we could have talked about it.
It's his father.
- Master, please!
- Ah! Ah!
His father put him up to this.
The damn father of his.
Am I wrong, Murad?
"Oh, your wrist is like this.
Oh, your wrist is like that."
Any scientific knowledge? [scoffs]
Arts? A true profession?
Nah. Your father put you up to this, boy.
Look at them. These are very good people.
The olive oil he put
on that beautiful salad.
Mwah! Pure!
We had dinner for four at the inn
for just 30 coins.
That was including meat.
- True.
- [grunts]
- Master Ayvaz.
- Whoa!
- Master Ayvaz!
- Murad.
- I'm dying now.
- [Murad gasping]
Master, what do you mean you're dying?
Stress. You think it's easy?
Since I was three,
everyone has been swinging swords
and cutting off heads around me.
Oh, the Middle Ages.
Even the most
sane person would go fucking mad.
- Master! [groans]
- [laughing]
- Master!
- Oh, you asshole!
- [groans] I love you, master!
- [grunts]
[Ayvaz groans]
[sobs] He's gone.
May he rest in peace, Murad.
Thanks a lot.
Come on, baby, stop being sad.
Elanora, will you come
to my village with me?
Of course I will, Murad.
Hopefully, you'll like my village
and especially my father.
Oh, you have a fadar?
Yes, I do.
[laughing]
And sorry for fucking up your palace.
[laughing]
This is it, Elanora. My humble home.
Come on, Avva, please come inside.
My father must be in here. Father!
[gasps] Murad!
Father, what's going on?
This is Mother Mary!
Um, that's odd. Who put that there?
- I killed everyone with my sword, Father.
- Good job, son.
And this is Elanora, your daughter-in-law.
- Are you hiding something there?
- No.
- What is it?
- [gasping]
Murad, is your father... [gasps]
- Please, son!
- Don't call me son! What is this?
- [Elanora gasps]
- Who are you?
Say my name.
Kozbey.
Say it again!
Kozbey, Kozbey, Kozbey,
Kozbey, Koz... Beykoz. Beykoz!
- Kilyos.
- [Murad groaning]
I am Kilyos, the son of Terkos.
Fueled by my father's hatred
who abandoned me exactly 40 years ago,
I unleashed you and a lot
of other youngsters all over Byzantium.
I am Kilyos, the son of Terkos.
I called you "Father."
- I guess I shouldn't call you son anymore.
- No.
It's time to end all the lies.
[Kilyos inhales]
[sobbing]
But I learned my lesson.
I will not raise my sword to you, old man.
- [Avva] Huh.
- Go and worship whatever you wish.
- [Kilyos sighs]
- [Elanora scoffs]
[chuckles] Thank you! Oh, thank you!
- But I get to hit you one time.
- [grunts, groans]
Oh, come on, Murad, get it together.
We're gonna get bad reviews.
Don't!
[both grunt]
- [Elanora exhales]
- [Kilyos groaning]
Bitch! Ashhadu... [groans]
What in the hell?
Oh, stop your whining! Come on, Murad.
One minute you're sensitive,
the next you're not.
Maybe you should have your head checked.
Get out of here.
I want to be alone.
I'm just a withered branch now.
- [gasps] I'm Dry Murad.
- Murad, you need to snap out of it.
Oh, come on. Don't you have any dignity?
Pull yourself together.
You can do better than just
being a princess. Let's get out of here.
- Whatever. Like I give a shit.
- [Avva scoffs]
- Freak.
- Get out!
[moans]
The sword that comes with troubles.
Fuck you and your troubles!
[groans]
[narrator] That day,
a new man was born in that village.
Murad. Dry Murad.
He still had one thing going for him.
A strong wrist.
He was lonely, sure.
- But he had a really strong wrist.
- [spits]
[narrator] Murad. Dry Murad.
[disco music playing]
PENITENTIARY
[man] Ah, thanks.
Ahh.
[man 2] So great to see you, sir.
Great to finally be out, Eryetiş.
You look incredible, sir. Very stylish.
- [laughs] You know I like a big entrance.
- Yes, I do.
Been a long time, Erşan.
Whoa, watch where
you're shoving that thing.
I've missed you all so much.
[chuckles] We missed you too.
We have a great project to get going.
- We'll start right away. Get in.
- Ah!
[disco music playing]
[announcer] Lock and Load, Erşan Kuneri.
Lock and Load.
Something's coming in the summer of '81,
and it's gonna be hot.
Lock and Load.
Erşan Kuneri is ready to lock it
and load it all night long.
[woman] Give it to me!
[narrator] Erşan Kuneri,
bold spy, bolder lover.
Erşan Kuneri, Lock and Load.
Erşan is back,
and he's not shooting blanks.
Lock and Load.
[firing]
- Erşan Kuneri is coming for you.
- [woman moans]
Well, I liked it.
I don't know. When you said you were
going to do something different,
Lock and Load,
lots of action and all that.
I thought it was gonna be
something like what Cüneyt has been doing.
And he's a lot older than me!
Who cares about Cüneyt?
There's a lot of action in this movie.
Plus, you're banging all the other spies.
What's that guy's name?
You know what I'm talking about.
James Bond.
You're like James Bond.
Okay, Neco, but just listen to me.
So many more things happen in Bond movies.
They have tons of explosions and crashes.
For the love of God, Erşan, there were
plenty of explosions in the movie.
Erşan, I don't get it, man.
How do you not like this movie?
Well, I'm just sick of the same story.
I come home, I bang.
I fix something in the shower, I bang.
I save someone's life, I bang.
Heck, I'm even banging
when I'm comforting someone at a funeral.
- That's messed up.
- [man] Erşan.
You are beloved by people from 7 to 27.
You're a huge star.
From 7 to 27?
Who the heck are these people?
They're people.
Come on, look at the charts.
We've done all the research.
And it's right here.
What people think they're missing,
they find in you.
- They need you to lock and load.
- [Erşan] I don't care.
I wanna make a historical action movie.
Dry Murad. And here's the script.
Historical action movie.
What are you talking about?
You said Dry Murad?
- Isn't there even saliva?
- No.
Okay, hold on. I have another movie.
- Black Hole.
- Black Hole? What is that? Is it sci-fi?
No, black hole, like this.
Black Hole. That's good. Write that down.
The script for Dry Murad is done.
It's all here, and it's really good.
Just read it,
and if you like it, we'll do it.
Guys, you have nothing to worry about.
He'll get inside the fortress
and eventually bangs the princess.
Mami, if he doesn't screw the princess,
we're screwed.
Don't worry. He will. He always bangs.
I'm the star here. I wanna do Dry Murad.
It's either that or nothing at all.
The motherfucker wants to be Cüneyt.
He doesn't understand
that he's nothing like Cüneyt.
Erşan isn't here.
I'm Erşan, honey.
Oh.
Here's your tea, darling.
Tülay. She just started.
I guess if you screw your secretary,
you have to bring her tea. [sniffs]
Who was eating lahmacun here?
Alev is in there.
And these are from the print shop.
Alev.
- Come on, gimme some sugar.
- [chuckles]
Alev.
Erşan.
[gasps] Come here. Come, come, come, come.
- I'm out.
- [Alev] My love, you're out.
Oh, I'm so glad to see you.
See, my darling, it's over.
It's all over.
- I will never go in that hole ever again.
- What? Why not?
Oh, sorry. I mean, prison. [chuckles]
Oh, of course.
So good to see you. [chuckles]
Fan mail. [sighs]
Wow. I guess
this is how my fans recognize me.
Well.
Maybe I should have signed a little lower
on the card.
- Oh, look, Erşo. So young and sexy.
- Ha ha, very funny.
[laughs]
- I hear you had a premiere yesterday.
- [Alev] Some job with Fevzi.
- Leave It Inside.
- Great title.
The theater was totally packed.
Even the balcony was standing room only.
Everyone was asking about you.
I told them you were getting out soon
and that you were making a spy movie next.
He's not. He quit.
- What?
- [Mami] He doesn't wanna do it.
Lock and Load could be a big hit for us.
Lock and Load, sounds clever.
I don't get it.
- Why don't you wanna do it?
- Sweetheart, I wanna make a good movie.
Something real with action, romance
and heart, you know?
[belches] You assholes! You wanna make
a new movie and give me the boot.
Something romantic,
something with heart, so bye-bye, Alev.
Don't be ridiculous.
I have the script here.
Dry Murad.
If you like it, Mercedes is yours.
I don't have a drivers license.
- Dry Murad. This is a real script?
- Yeah. [laughs]
- Wow, and I'd be the princess?
- Yes, she's real layered character too.
Let me see that script.
- Erşan, there's gonna be sex, right?
- Yes, Mami.
But as you know, even sex has many layers.
You cause me so much stress
when you talk about layers.
Erşan, please, remember your audience.
They don't like too many fucking layers.
- "My son." Oh, very historical.
- Of course. Mami, quit pissing me off.
- What do you think?
- Count me in.
Dry Murad, huh? Not even boobs? [laughs]
Nope, a historical adventure.
[sighs]
- Some guy is here.
- [Mami] Ah, Eryetiş, come in.
- [Eryetiş] From the agency, boss.
- [Mami] Oh, good.
Eryetiş, this is for you.
- Like the moon in the sky, ma'am.
- Ow!
We're doing a commercial.
Product placement.
It's the least you could do, huh?
Well, since you guys are busy,
I'll be leaving now.
Hold on. I need your opinion too.
So the name of the product is Helpmate.
It's not just any soap, but also a mate.
I put a hole in the middle.
You see? We enlarged the logo just a bit.
And listen, this is the tune
that'll play on the radio.
- [upbeat music playing]
- [in Turkish] ♪ Don't let people hear it ♪
♪ Fap, fap, fap, don't let people see it ♪
[music stops]
- [in English] Isn't this genius?
- No way. That's to replace the real thing?
Look at that face. He loved it.
I say we give away a million of these
to the military and boarding schools.
- What do you think, Erşan?
- Okay, I'm off.
You obviously have a lot on your hands.
Do you see what I'm dealing with here?
Please read the script.
We'll meet at my place tomorrow night.
Do you really think I can do this?
Are you saying I might really sign
postcards for fans with my face on them?
- And not my ass?
- Of course you will. I'm casting now.
I'm thinking İbrahim Tumtum for Heracles.
That snob.
He wouldn't be in a movie with us.
And I'm bringing a young girl
over as well. Don't be jealous now.
Sweetheart, there was only one woman
I was ever jealous of.
- She killed herself.
- Marilyn Monroe.
No, my Aunt Asiye.
We were trying to save her, but couldn't.
- Why, what happened?
- She ended up lighting herself on fire.
And then she died.
Hey, listen, why on earth do you wanna
do a boring historical movie?
I sure hope everything is okay down here.
Although, you could
make Ben-Hur with this.
[laughing]
- Okay, I'm out.
- I'll see you later. Don't forget.
Erşan, wait a sec. Let's measure it up.
I'll get it to the molder.
Wait, let's chill out
for 15 minutes and have some tea.
I don't wanna break the mold.
[exhales]
- [dance music playing]
- [singing in Turkish]
[snaps fingers] Brother. Seyyal.
Oh, really? I thought
this was Edip Akbayram.
Well, hello, there, Muammer.
I was wondering
if you perhaps had a light.
- Uh, lighter?
- Yes.
[Mami mumbles]
[man laughs]
Oran, who is this person?
This is Seyyal.
The one I've been talking about.
Oh, really?
This is the woman you were talking about?
Can I ask,
would the lady care for a gin mint?
If it gets stuck inside,
you'll have to take it out.
- Excuse me.
- [laughs] Too profuse.
She's insane. Excuse me. Two gins, please.
You idiot, why would you
bring this hellcat to me?
I'm 72 years old. I can hardly
stand up without a bag of pills.
She'll put me in the grave, motherfucker.
Man, Seyyal dropped, like, a bomb
over Tarabya beach this summer.
She crushed 20, 30 dudes.
You should see her big sister too.
She's got an interview with Erşan.
Erşan's gonna make a historical movie.
Is she gonna play the princess?
What about that movie I was gonna be in?
Lock...sorry.
And Load.
That project is dead.
We're starting something better.
And if you'll allow me,
I'll deal with casting, Oran.
- Seyyal, honey.
- Mr. Muammer.
Mami. Call me Mami.
Oh. Mami.
Mami seems to fit
in my mouth a lot better.
Look, see how my mouth goes "Mami."
[laughs] This girl is good, really good.
But she's too good. I'm going to die
because of this girl, I'll tell you.
- My heart is bursting out of my chest.
- [both laugh]
Seyyal, honey.
Mami is Erşan's right-hand man, okay?
Oh! Let me see.
Oh, so hard.
I mean, I like it hard. [laughs]
Guys, what happened
to your open minds and free spirit?
I mean, seriously,
who cares if he's a porn star?
We will open minds.
- Just like he will open his pants for you.
- [laughing]
Ha ha. Very funny.
You're all so hilarious.
But it's too bad
you're all so close-minded.
Remember what Jung says?
- I remember what Jung said.
- [woman] Erşan.
He said sex is very important,
but there are
more important things in life.
- [laughing]
- [woman] Oh.
Ah, you told me not
to call you brother. No "brother."
[laughs] No "brother."
Freud says that too.
- He wouldn't want you to call me brother.
- [laughing]
White chocolate and gold liqueur?
Hey, do you see how nice he is? [laughs]
Hey, Erşan, they call you a sex worker.
Does it bother you?
Well, rather than a sex worker, I like
to say that I'm actually a sex boss.
Guys, I don't see
why you have to be so crude.
Uh, professor, should we get out of here?
"Professor?"
Feride, you've really lost it.
Erşan wrote the script
for the Dark Murad movie.
And he's going to direct it.
And guess who's playing Dark Murad.
But isn't Dark Murad
played by Cüneyt Arkın?
Right. Feride,
ours will be Dry Murad, dry, okay?
Oh, I thought it was the "dark" one.
I'm so sorry.
Is that a ripoff?
Well, no, it's a different interpretation.
Um, a very different approach
to heroic movies.
It'll be the first time a female character
will be presented in such an original way.
Feride's character is groundbreaking.
She'll be the first
of many things in Dry Murad.
How so?
I see the female character
in two distinct forms.
- The mother and the sister.
- Oh, please.
Bold, strong and without,
hmm, being stereotyped
as a mother or even a sister.
She's her own woman,
free from the shackles of the patriarchy.
And for the first time,
this movie will be shot
in the native dialect of Tekirdağ.
[laughing]
If this is not revolutionary,
I don't know what is.
- So it's a real thing?
- [Feride] Uh-huh.
But if you're wrong, the intellectual
community will go hard on your ass.
- [Feride] Orçun!
- Feride.
The man has made a movie
named Two Eggs and A Sausage.
Do you really believe anything he says?
Taner, that's enough.
I have no idea
how you persuaded Feride to do this,
but if you mess with her,
our fists will do the talking.
- [laughs] It's Taner, right?
- Yeah.
- My friend.
- What?
I'm gonna start
a great new project with Feride.
But before I do that,
please take a look at my postcard.
Look closely, take it all in.
Because if you bother me,
I'll beat you to a pulp with it.
- Boy, that's big.
- Absolutely.
We'll see how intellectual
you are after that, right?
You can keep the photo.
Just don't get jealous. [chuckles]
[Feride laughs]
We're going to the bar after this.
Like to join us?
- We'd love to.
- Sure.
[laughing]
- We were just leaving, right, Taner?
- [Feride] I bet.
He needs a minute to regroup.
- [chuckles] Let's go.
- [Feride] Mm-hmm.
[dance music playing]
- How's it hanging, Altın?
- Oh! Tumtum.
- Anyone asked for me lately?
- No, why? What's up?
Ayhan Işık.
Yeah, I know. We'll never have
another one like him. He was a king.
He hasn't been by?
- Who?
- Ayhan Işık.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Dude, they wanna take me out.
[man] Huh.
- Ayhan Işık?
- No, man. This guy looks like him.
His stunt double.
The other night I played poker,
and Ayhan Işık's stunt double was there.
I was in for 2,000 liras,
and I had to sign an IOU.
The guy's been asking for me everywhere.
So if anyone like Ayhan Işık,
but obviously not the real Ayhan Işık.
- Someone like him comes here, tell him...
- Tell him what?
"That there won't be another one
like him, and he should just fuck off?"
Man, how can I ever look
Ayhan Işık in the face?
You owe his stunt double 2,000 lira.
I know. It's gonna be real hard.
- [sighs]
- Lend a brother a few hundred lira?
- Unbelievable. Let me check.
- Yeah.
Dude, you really
should quit gambling, you know?
I will, man, and when I do,
I'll hold Ayhan's picture in my hand,
and I'll look him in the eye
and say, "I quit, sir. I quit gambling."
Here, I've got 300.
What are you having? I'll buy you a drink.
- Ayhan Işık's stunt double, huh?
- Yep, if anyone like him shows up...
Don't worry. I got it.
I'm not gonna tell anyone.
All right, all right!
[dance music playing]
Is that Seyyal with Mami?
She's a ticking time bomb.
- You should be careful.
- As long as she doesn't go off on Mami.
[laughing]
[Tumtum] My condolences, Mami.
I heard your cat died.
[panting] You asshole. I don't have a cat.
[laughing]
He puts socks in there.
Wool ones. Two of them.
[laughing]
- I'm out.
- Later.
İsa, darling. Usual please.
- [panting] Alev, welcome, dear.
- Thank you, Mami.
Get some water. I'm burning up. [laughs]
- What's up, baby?
- What's up?
Seyyal, she never takes a break.
And I thought I had lots of energy.
Look at her go.
Oran, I'm officially out of gas.
Go get the girl off the dance floor
before I have a heart attack.
[Alev laughs]
So charming. She's flirting with everyone.
So what? That doesn't mean anything.
I've had sex with everyone.
What makes her so great? [laughs]
[Mami] Oh, come on, Alev.
You know how Mavi Boncuk
gave Emel Sayın her big break, right?
Is it so hard to be nice once in a while?
First of all, she's a city girl.
Ah, so you're saying there are city girls
and there are farm girls, right?
[laughing] Well, hello!
Alev Alev. Seyyal.
We will all be in Dry Murad together.
Alev, how are you, dear?
Oran, how is
the rest of the casting going?
I have no idea, but I'm gonna be
one of the spies in the movie.
I see. Honey, is this
gonna be your first movie?
Oh, yes, dear. You know it.
This is gonna be my first time.
But you could be
my big sister on set, right?
- Show me the ropes.
- Oh.
Oh, what a sweet, gorgeous sister you are.
What are you having? Gin?
Gin, yeah, I'm having gin.
Hey, bartender.
- Two gins for Alev and me.
- [scoffs]
Oh, I just wanna give you a big hug.
Okay, now, listen,
I'm gonna go to the little girls' room.
Keep an eye on these drinks.
Because they
could slip something into them
and bad things could happen to me.
- Mmm!
- Oh!
My dear sister.
She totally kissed my shoulder.
What a freak!
True, but I totally like the freaks.
Looks like she got to you too. [laughs]
She definitely got to my shoulder.
I mean, what the hell was that?
[laughing]
Muammer, look.
I know Erşan's not going to
cast me as a spy,
but I hope he doesn't make me
a stupid Byzantine.
- Why? What's wrong with being a Byzantine?
- It'll just be a bad look for me.
Any look will help you make money!
You need to think long-term.
Wow! The king himself is here!
- That's my guy!
- [laughs] What's up?
Hey, Talha, the booth in the corner.
Go ahead, girls. [laughs]
Alev, my dear, this is the young girl
I was telling you about. Feride.
- When were you born, kid?
- '57.
- Single door with no pole?
- [laughs] I don't think I get it.
I'm only five years older than you.
I thought it'd be more
because he called you young girl.
Feride.
- Has a lamp on her derriere.
- [Feride laughing] Ooh.
Look at us. We've got all this young
flirting energy with nowhere to go.
Well, Alev, I want you to know
that I'm 100% supportive of this leap
in your fascinating career.
And honestly, I couldn't care less
about your pornographic history.
This journey will be good for you,
for us and for the entire society.
I mean, I'm not just approving.
I'm genuinely congratulating you.
You'll do great. Just know
you're in my heart, all right? [laughs]
Feride, this is my butt, so it's all good.
[Feride] Oh.
[laughing]
Well, Feride will give life to the role
of Avva in Dry Murad.
- And Seyyal will...
- Be giving new life to Muammer. [laughing]
- I'm shaking all over.
- Now I'm shaking. [laughs]
- Have you guys met?
- Oh, we met and really hit it off.
Erşan, listen, I'm ready
to get my hands dirty for this movie.
And dirty as they can be.
Look at my hands, they're too clean.
[laughing]
- That chick really can't help herself.
- [laughing]
Oh, God, I love your passion.
Passion is such an amazing thing.
Let's go sit down, shall we?
- [chattering, laughing]
- Come have a drink.
- Okay, friend, who do I look like?
- How would I know, bro?
- Ayhan Işık?
- Nah, I don't think so.
Look at my profile. Don't you see it?
Yo, I'm this close to smashing your face.
Ayhan Işık? Come on, bro.
What's up, Eryetiş?
Oran, who do you think
this guy looks like?
Say it quick
'cause I'm about to beat his ass.
Ayhan Işık's stunt double?
See? There you go.
Why is it so hard to get in this place?
Let me in, please.
I'm came to talk business with Erşan.
Erşan, sir. This man's looking for you.
He says he looks like Ayhan Işık
if you don't look carefully.
Ayhan Işık, seriously?
Is there anyone else like him?
Erşan, much respect, sir. If you
don't mind, I would like to say something.
Spit it out, man.
I was Ayhan's stunt double, right?
And you know, after Ayhan's passing,
life has become much harder.
- Hmm.
- [stunt double] Obviously business sucks.
I was known
for being Ayhan's stunt double.
Which was great, but on the other hand,
problem is when you look like a king,
you carry his features
and those new handsome leads,
I mean, their features,
in line with Ayhan's features.
They're good matches.
And obviously, another one like me
coming into this world is pretty unlikely.
When you put it together...
If I had half of this guy's confidence,
I'd stroll down
İstiklal Avenue stark naked.
- Dude, what are you talking about?
- [laughing]
Sir, I heard you're making a movie.
I mean, jumping, running, bouncing,
explosions, crashes, stunts...
I can handle anything.
Why didn't you say that?
We need a stuntman
with nine lives for İbrahim Tumtum.
The guy is like a delicate porcelain vase.
Nine lives is nothing for me, sir.
I can handle everything.
But İbrahim Tumtum is
in this movie as well?
Yes, İbrahim Tumtum.
You sort of look like him.
Erşan, my man!
- Well, look here. If it isn't Tumtum.
- Oh, shit.
What's going on here?
Sir, this asshole swindled me
for 2,000 lira the other day.
If you don't mind, I'd like to take him
outside and smash the shit out of him.
- Mr. Ayhan.
- Don't call me Mr. Ayhan.
- [Erşan] Ayhan.
- Yes, sir.
I'm starting a movie with Erşan.
I'll give you your money
once they give me my advance.
Dude, listen,
I do not like being messed with.
- If I don't see that money...
- Ayhan.
Yes, sir.
Come to this address
at nine o'clock tomorrow.
You're in the Dry Murad crew.
- Congrats.
- Thank you, sir.
Historical movie I imagine, sir?
I can play a Byzantine too,
even though it's a risky part.
I can handle those as well. No problem.
See? That's exactly what I said.
And about that 2,000 lira,
who should I make the check out to?
Ayhun Uşuk, please, sir.
- Thanks.
- Please don't fuck with me.
No, Ayhun is the name on my ID,
but sometimes I go by Pyro Kemal, sir.
- Here you go. All good.
- Thanks.
- Now you may kiss and make up.
- [Tumtum] Mm-hmm.
Thanks, Captain. We'll not disappoint you.
You'd better not embarrass us to Erşan.
- I will not.
- Thank you.
I'll be at this address
at the time you told me, sir.
Ayhun, who do you think
would be my lookalike?
I don't know, ma'am. Who?
Maybe you can think about it
and tell me next time. [chuckles]
[laughs] Ours is a filthy world.
It really is.
Filthy, dirty, rotten, cheap, but...
- Honest and sincere.
- [laughing]
To Dry Murad.
[all] To Dry Murad!
- Welcome aboard, my friend.
- Thank you, sir.
Well, sir, this is the movie I want
to make regardless.
Dry Murad will become a reality.
Have a good night, sir.
- [Mami] What did he say, Erşan?
- It doesn't matter.
I told him I'm shooting the movie.
They can go to hell.
Oh, God be with us.
Erşan, my boy, I still
haven't read the script you gave me.
I mean, I haven't finished it yet,
but as far as I can tell,
he conquers the Byzantine fortress,
saves the princess, but after that,
he does the thing with the princess
we talked about...
[mumbles] ...right?
Mami, you are Murad's father
and leader of the village.
- [sighs]
- Okay. Mami.
Why are you telling everybody
that you're Ayhan Işık?
- I never said I was Ayhan Işık.
- [Seyyal] Oh, fuck off.
Uh, professor, I took some notes here.
It seems
the inner journey is kind of internal.
Do you think the character would
let it show?
The girl is right.
Let her show her outsides.
[Feride] Uh-huh.
Erşan, listen,
the character says "father" to Muammer.
- Do you think he could say "fadar"?
- [Oran] Fadar?
No, I don't think the character
should have such a heavy accent.
Sir, the swords and arrows
are super high quality.
- Thanks a lot, Pyro.
- [Alev] Erşan, I noticed something.
I wonder if maybe the script has
too much sex in it.
You know, I'm just saying.
You're right, Alev.
We can't possibly have more sex
than we do in real life.
- But those parts need some shaving.
- Oh, but of course, baby.
We'll come to the set clean-shaven.
Snip snip snip,
you don't need to tell me twice.
When you say in real life,
does that mean all the time?
Four times a week.
- Is it every other day, sir?
- Or never.
Instead of guessing, just tell us.
What is the movie trying to say?
Who cares about that? I always think
a girl should just go ahead and ask.
Erşan, I need to ask you something.
I'm not a Byzantine in the movie, right?
I really don't want any drama.
Mami, listen to me.
We have a script for God's sake!
- Yes, I know, but... God! [groaning]
- [gasping]
- The arrows are working really well, sir.
- I can see that.
Listen up, everyone.
Dry Murad is an able-bodied young man
living on the outskirts
of the Overlord Mountains.
In order to know himself better
and end the tyrannical rule of Heracles,
he embarks on a journey.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [horse whinnies]
[owl hoots]
Let us see if you can pull out.
No one in this village has ever managed
to pull out that sword, son.
Father, every single time you address me
as your son,
I can't help but get suspicious.
- Look, son.
- There you go again.
If you can manage to pull out,
Aydar's sword will be yours, son.
[Murad exhales]
[sighs]
- [grunts]
- Very good.
Father, instead of a sword,
wouldn't it be better
if you gave me a pen?
They say that the pen is
mightier than the sword.
Hell no!
On the battlefield, they will
shove a pen right up a guy's asshole.
Right. Sword is good, Father.
But remember, son,
the sword comes with its own trouble.
But you already fucking gave it to me,
so what can I do?
Okay, then, let your path be your path.
No "son" now, hmm?
- No.
- [scoffs] It's tricky, huh?
- Good day to you, Murad.
- [sighs]
- Master Ayvaz.
- [laughing]
Father and son, what have you been doing?
Or I'm wrong,
and you're not father and son?
- [laughing]
- Oh, you motherfucker!
[grunting, groaning]
- [sighs, grunts] This way.
- You're getting stronger and bigger too.
- Oh! I salute you, Kozbey.
- [laughing]
[Kozbey] Welcome, Ayvaz.
Thank you, Kozbey.
Aydar's sword belongs to Murad now.
And now that he's a man,
he'll be wielding a sword.
[Ayvaz laughs]
He'll chop off heads,
shed buckets of blood.
Am I right, son?
- [Ayvaz laughs]
- [Kozbey] With that wrist.
[mumbles] Let me kiss
that mighty wrist of yours.
- I wanna kiss it.
- [laughing]
- Ayvaz.
- [Ayvaz] Huh?
Take Murad with you
when you go to Rodosto.
There, maybe you could have a day
where he'll finally learn
what it's like to be a man.
[Ayvaz] Ahh.
[Kozbey] It's getting hard to control him.
Take him and show him a good time.
He's walking around like this.
- [crunching]
- He's had the whole village, you know.
- [Murad grunts]
- [Ayvaz laughs, sighs]
- So you're finally at the age, huh, Murad?
- Oh!
You can't help it anymore,
huh, you rascal?
[laughing]
I just wish my father
would get off my back.
- [laughing]
- Telling me to go to the Byzantine.
Snatch the princess
and come back with her.
Well, why shouldn't you do that?
Your wrist is strong, Murad.
Sure, my wrist is strong.
- But I don't know.
- [laughs]
All this talk about sexual intercourse.
- It's just...
- Oh, trust me.
- Tonight, we dine.
- [laughing]
And we drink wine until dawn. [laughs]
Master, I'm shy. You know what I mean.
You don't need to be scared, Murad.
Just trust me. [chuckles]
[horse whinnies]
[soldier] Hey!
Where the hell do you think you're going,
strolling through like a buffalo?
Oh, dear, these are the Overlord's men.
Let me do the talking, Murad.
- We won't have any trouble, will we?
- No.
We're good. Do you have your ID on you?
No, I left
the tent without taking anything.
You scared us, my dear Captain.
[chuckles] We were shitting bricks.
Can I offer you some weed perhaps?
No, shut up! Where are you even going?
We were headed to Rodosto.
We're not looking for any trouble.
I'm just taking my friend here to get
acquainted with some of the locals.
[laughs]
Get off your horses.
- Let's get off, Murad.
- All right, master. [chuckles]
- Right over there?
- Move it!
I'm going. I'm going.
Look, we're not trying to brag here,
but we're kinsmen of Heracles.
[soldier] Oh, really?
- Just play along, Murad.
- You talk a big game. [laughs]
These two know Overlord Heracles.
[laughing]
So we'll just check with our records
and see
if you're really bullshitting us or not.
But anyway, what about
this handsome fella over here, hmm?
Hey, blondie, listen up.
I have an idea for you.
Stop staring at me like an idiot
and tell me who you are immediately.
The kid can't talk. You know what I mean?
What's he saying?
I mean, he doesn't know our language.
He's just a kid, you know?
I know this one,
"Go ahead and fuck your mom."
I'll smack you so hard with my sword,
you won't speak any languages very soon.
Oh, Captain,
the kid has no clue whatsoever.
He's still too young.
In the village where he grew up,
the only things
they ever taught him were cuss words.
What the hell
is this worm dick talking about?
[soldier] What?
Um, master, this is all I know.
Boy, why the hell are you saying words
when you don't know what they mean, huh?
You pussy.
Never mind him, Captain.
Just please, let us be on our way.
You two are not going anywhere
until I smack all the curse words
out of his fat face.
Heads up!
[shouts]
[groaning]
[shouting]
[grunting]
- Shall I pull it?
- [grunts] Wait, boy, wait.
Cover me. We need
to protect me... I mean, ourselves.
- [grunts]
- [shouts]
[grunts]
What the hell just happened?
Girls, come on. You guys Turks?
Murad, for Heaven's sake,
don't say a word to them.
Are you Murad?
'Cause I have business with you.
Girls, take the other guy away. Let's go.
Sister, you almost made us pee
in our pants. We didn't do anything wrong.
- Come, come on.
- Ladies, please, come on, don't.
- Murad! Girls. [screams]
- Come on!
- [women laugh]
- [Ayvaz] Murad!
Master Ayvaz!
Stay away, infidel's daughter!
Listen, I'm not a Byzantine, you idiot.
- I'm actually a deist.
- No.
It means we believe something is up there.
Something that lives upstairs.
Throw your sword aside
and come a little closer.
- Master Ayvaz!
- [Ayvaz] Murad!
Drop your sword.
[sword drops]
I am named Avva.
Look, it's on my necklace.
And this is mine by the way, Ave Maria.
[grunts]
We are a gang of misfits.
Outcasts and criminals.
The one with the blue eyes is Songül.
Next to her, the tall hot one is Irina,
and the chocolate one is Madlen.
And we just do whatever
the hell we wanna do. You understand?
We don't care about anything or anyone,
so just forget your little village.
They call us thieves 'cause we take
from the rich and give to the poor.
- Are you poor?
- Sort of.
- Hmm.
- The tent back at the village is ours.
But other than that, I'm poor.
Right. If you're poor,
why don't you come a little closer?
- Put your arms around me. Come on.
- [hesitates] Ayvaz...
[Avva] Hug me, hug me.
- What are they doing to Master Ayvaz?
- [Avva] Come on, put your arms around me.
Tighter! What are you doing?
You can do better than that.
- Nice! Let's see.
- Ow!
- Harder. I said harder.
- [grunts]
- [laughs]
- [Avva] Come on! That's it.
[exhales]
[Murad grunts]
What are you thinking about right now?
Was that seriously your first time?
Well, with that last time we did it,
it makes eight total.
[exhales] Ah.
Hey, girls,
stop slacking over there, come on!
I was gonna go to Rodosto from here,
you know.
Uh, from there,
I could maybe go to the Byzantine castle
and snatch the princess.
- My father, he...
- [laughs] Oh!
You think you're just gonna march up
to the castle and snatch the princess?
Maybe you'll fly in on a dragon as well.
Come on, come on.
We need to get going, come on.
Oh, wait a minute.
Avva, so what are we now?
What are we?
Why are you giving me those puppy eyes?
We had our fun, and it's over.
Now everyone can just go
their separate ways. Move it!
What the hell just happened?
I swear, Murad, I couldn't do anything.
They all jumped on me at the same time
and tore me apart.
That tall brunette even told me she was
going to squeeze out all of my juices.
The tongue is very important to sex.
Very important, Murad.
- Master Ayvaz.
- Huh?
I lost my virginity with her.
Good job, boy! Ha ha!
- I was gonna ask about Avva.
- Yeah.
What should I do about her?
Should I kidnap her?
Kidnap her? [laughs]
Hey, listen up. Mention my name again
and I'll smack you so hard,
you'll wish you were still a virgin.
Can we at least be friends?
We can or maybe not.
Whatever it is, it's my business.
What about
some dried meat, uh, for your journey?
I don't eat that. I'm actually vegan.
Come on, girls. Let's go.
- [sighs] Let's get out of here.
- [Ayvaz sighs]
- [Avva] Long road ahead.
- Oh, well.
Hey, don't fret.
That's how the new generation is.
Is eight good, master?
- Eight?
- Eight.
That's a lie.
- [grunts, laughing]
- [grunting]
- Oh! Wow, eight, huh? That's my boy!
- [laughing]
- [grunts]
- [groans]
[Turkish music playing]
Wow, look at this salad. So fresh!
Hey, will you cook us up some meat?
- Of course.
- Thanks.
Half a lamb is ten coins.
If this was home...
- They'd screw us.
- [laughing]
No kidding.
Tell me what's on your mind, son.
That girl Avva. She's magical.
That's what we call love, Murad.
It controls you,
and once that fire is in your heart...
Hello. May we sit here?
[laughing] Yes, of course. Huh?
Have a seat, please. Uh...
- Please, welcome.
- Welcome.
Murad.
I'm Elanora,
and this is my friend Mercedes.
- Let me give you a ride.
- [laughing]
Master Ayvaz, please continue.
Never mind, son. Don't worry about that.
Just let it go
and focus on what's in front of you.
I was just babbling. [laughs]
Is he your son?
Oh, wow, do I look that old to you, madam?
No, I call everybody son. [laughs]
You speak very well for a woman.
Well, we're here all the time
and picked up fancy words
from all the tourists
who come around here and talk to us.
We also speak a little French.
Say a little something for them.
[in French] Yesterday,
I told the flowers I love you.
- [Mercedes in English] Yes.
- [sighs] Like a nightingale.
I know some from French too.
Bonjour. Bonjour.
Bonjour?
[speaks French]
- Ah!
- [Ayvaz] Wow!
This is it, huh?
Murad, what the hell was that?
Shall I milk you? [laughing]
We are very different, sir.
- [laughing] I'd like to eat you up.
- Ooh! [laughing]
[Ayvaz] However, huh?
- Pasha. [laughing]
- Ow! Okay, that's enough. You can let go.
- Don't worry. That's just my sword.
- Oh, not a problem.
- [Mercedes] Ah!
- Okay, enjoy all this food, ladies.
Hey, so remember.
The blond one is mine, okay?
But, sis, come on.
He and I really hit it off.
No way! I'll tell your secrets
to my brother, and he'll shut you up.
I swear I'll never bring you here again,
you wench.
- [Ayvaz] Murad, I said wait.
- Buffalo yogurt, wine.
- We have a jug of wine.
- [Murad] Meat.
- [Ayvaz] Put your money back.
- Master, please.
- I can pay.
- Your father will kill me.
- Murad!
- Please, master.
How much is it going to be?
- Will you be staying the night?
- The night?
Well, what do you think, ladies?
Are we staying the night?
- How long will you be staying?
- Just one night.
[laughing]
Can it be more than one night, Elanora?
It can be a long night, boy.
Here you go. Keep the change.
You people really are something.
When I came to Byzantium,
I was very prejudiced.
Murad, I think
you did enough talking, okay?
- Time is a-wasting. [laughs]
- [laughing]
Elanora!
Oh!
[Heracles] Mercedes!
Where the hell are my sisters?
Stop yelling.
We can all hear what you're saying.
- [thuds]
- [customer grunting]
[Heracles panting]
I'm looking for my sisters,
Elanora and Mercedes.
Looks like we've
talked your heads off. Sorry about that.
[grunts]
Mercedes!
Murad, no, Murad. Don't move!
- Elanora!
- [Ayvaz] Murad! Murad!
Murad, don't do it.
What do you want, donkey dong?
Anton, hand me my mace.
The one with the axe handle.
- Which one is that?
- You know, the sort of weird-looking one.
- This?
- No.
- The lower part is a little pointy.
- [Anton] Oh, this one.
No, not that one. The lower part
looks like it has tiny balls.
- You mean this one then?
- No, come on, man. The guy's waiting here.
- Oh, okay, I got it. I got it.
- Huh?
- Who are you, brave soldier? Tell me.
- Dry Murad is my name.
Who?
I'm going to cut off your head!
So now is it just the head
you wanna cut off?
[soldiers laughing]
Anton is a comedian.
Please don't hurt him, brother.
You dumb slut, where have you been?
Didn't I tell you
to never set foot in here again?
Where's that sneaky bitch?
Is she here too? Elanora!
- Get up! Your brother's here! Come on, go!
- Okay, I'm going.
- [whimpers]
- [sighs]
Murad! Murad!
Murad, please save us.
I don't get it.
The furry dog is a chick magnet.
What gives you the right
to insult these women and call them names?
These beautiful innocent creatures
are just out to get some air,
to see a few faces
and have a very good time with us men.
Apologize to them immediately
before I tame you with my sword.
And then apologize
to every sister out there.
To every woman in your mind,
to every mother!
Stop yelling, you jerk.
That's our brother.
He may beat us, but he loves us.
We'd be turning tricks
if it weren't for him. You moron!
I guess you have a point, Mercedes.
With her tiny brain,
everything must be pretty hard.
Elanora, would you be my girlfriend?
But you can't ditch me after sex.
[in French] I won't leave you, Murad.
I'll always love you.
[in English] That's an amazing language.
Smooth like butter.
Take her somewhere safe. Go!
Bring it on!
All right, all right. Anton, stay back.
I don't wanna see you get hurt.
- Come on now, let's go!
- [soldiers laughing]
[grunting]
[groans]
[laughs]
What do you think you're doing?
These guys have axes. Don't you see that?
- Huh? Huh?
- [Anton] Overlord, Elanora's gone.
The bitch knows the way home.
Take him away.
[Murad grunts]
- Master Ayvaz!
- [Heracles] Move.
[narrator] Thrown in the dungeon,
Murad was in despair.
Now only a miracle could save him
from the clutches of the vile Heracles.
[dramatic music playing]
- Father, how's it going?
- Swell.
[laughing]
[gibbering]
[Elanora] Oh, Troy!
Come, boy! Come here.
You shouldn't be outside.
Come on! [exhales]
Whoa, good boy. Oh. [chuckles]
- [Troy gibbering]
- [shushes]
Right.
Wow, good job, Ayvaz.
- [panting] You've done great.
- [exhales]
Elanora, it always pays
to know history, huh?
[laughing]
You need to know physics,
as well as math of course, you dumbass.
- Take him!
- [Ayvaz sighs]
[mutters]
They snuck in before with a horse.
[laughing]
Stop right there.
What are you doing to this handsome man?
I'm going to gouge his eyes out, ma'am.
You couldn't even pluck out my eyebrows!
- Let me take it from here.
- [soldier grunts]
I'll sear my name on his chest.
[laughing]
- Now should I put it here?
- [Murad groans]
Or here? Or...
[soldier grunts, groans]
- Die! [laughs]
- Oh.
Why did you do that for me?
I just looked into your eyes.
It broke my heart.
You sold me out when I was trying to
defend your honor against your brother.
I'm bipolar. It's a problem.
Will you be my cure?
Shall I release you from your shackles?
Huh? Or should I not? What's it gonna be?
Tell me. I'm so confused.
I am too proud to drop my pants just
because you freed me from my prison.
And nothing can...
all right, fine, just fucking release me.
- That's better. There you go.
- [grunts, sighs]
[Heracles] Mercedes!
Brother! Brother!
You see this?
He's broken free of his shackles.
I didn't know what to do.
Kill this one. He's a curse on our family.
We can't get rid of him!
- Go to your room right now.
- [exhales]
Your sister is sick, Heracles.
What can the girl do?
Maybe she likes your muscles,
maybe it's your eyes.
Or I don't know. Maybe it's your bravery.
Look, just so you know,
I really don't see myself that way.
What do you mean?
You said I was brave.
And you're not?
- Well, I mean...
- Well, do you think I'm brave?
I mean...
Is it a yes or no?
- Exactly in what sense are you talking?
- Just tell me.
Is it a yes or no?
It's just that I don't know you that well.
Am I brave or not?
Well, what's gonna happen
if I say you're brave?
Well, you're free of your shackles, right?
Dude, what the fuck are we talking about?
Heracles, this bastard
was sneaking into the palace
disguised as a Trojan Horse.
Really? That trick's a thousand-years old.
Elanora was with him too, you know.
Hey, if you hurt Elanora,
I'll feed you to a pack of rabid dogs.
[scoffs] Which dog are you talking about?
We don't have dogs in the palace.
I'm allergic.
Tomorrow, I'll tie you
to the Byzantine wheel of fortune.
Give you a spin and see
if you can break the cycle of fortune.
- [harrumphs]
- [Anton] Move!
[Murad sighs]
Oh, Murad.
- [door closes, locks]
- Don't be sad. Don't be sad, boy.
We'll figure something out.
Shit happens. [laughs]
Ow, ow! [laughs]
[dramatic music playing]
Please don't do this. I love him.
We will all get to love him.
Let go! Let go!
We'll lick him like
he's Eastern Roman ice cream.
[laughing]
You won't be able to lick anything
once I cut out your fat tongue!
[crowd laughing, chattering]
[Heracles] Shut the fuck up!
I'll gonna make my speech.
Dear Rodostonians, welcome to the wheel.
Tonight our guest is Murad.
Murad, there are six zones on this wheel.
Whomever you come to,
they will have their way with you.
For example... [sustained bleep]
Well, if he's not even allowed
to say that on Netflix,
then I guess it must be pretty bad, right?
Master Ayvaz,
is there a wild card, you mutt?
Oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me.
I almost forgot to tell you.
There is. If you land
on the green area, you're a free man.
But until you have your freedom,
the wheel will keep turning.
- Just like life! [laughing]
- [crowd laughing]
- [Murad gasps]
- Spin the wheel!
Master Ayvaz!
[Ayvaz] Murad!
Hold on to the child inside you.
[Murad] No, I don't want intercourse!
[laughing]
- [crowd chanting] Mercedes! Mercedes!
- Oh, yes!
- [Heracles laughing]
- I'm coming! I'm coming!
Elanora!
[chanting] Mercedes! Mercedes!
Mercedes! Mercedes...
All right, now!
- You're gonna eat it.
- No, I really don't want to!
Elanora! Here's to you!
- All siblings share, don't worry.
- Murad!
[sighs]
- No, don't!
- [Mercedes] Stop squirming.
Stop it.
- [groaning]
- [Mercedes] Stop squirming!
[grunting]
Drain it!
- Oh, yeah!
- [crowd cheering]
Elanora, I rode him for you, girl!
- [grunts]
- [chanting continues] Mercedes...
- Not bad at all.
- Mercedes! Mercedes...
Come on down. If you're so brave,
why don't you fight yourself?
- I'll get my turn in time.
- [laughing]
Ah, that reminds me.
He asked if there was a wild card.
To the blank green spot. Go on!
[grunts] No! No!
[gasps]
Murad, you should've broken that
wheel by now. What are you waiting for?
Master, I can't do it. I just can't!
[laughs] Spin it!
[Murad] Master!
- Oh! Don't let it stop at you!
- Murad!
- Murad!
- Master Ayvaz!
- Break the wheel of fortune!
- [Murad groaning] Sir!
No!
- No! [grunting]
- Oh, never!
Never!
Absolutely not. No way!
- I can't do it, master.
- Neither can I, boy!
[crowd clamoring]
[grunting]
Avva!
They say chivalry is dead, huh?
- Bring it on!
- [Avva chuckles]
[grunting]
Anton, get behind me!
[grunting]
- [shouts]
- [grunts]
[panting] Come on! You lapdog!
- [shouting]
- [grunting]
- [shouting]
- [grunting]
- [shouting]
- [grunting]
[Murad] I'm here!
[groaning]
Fight me, you coward!
Go get him. Let's go!
- What?!
- [grunting]
[Mercedes] Brother!
Do you rely on your shield?
- [grunting]
- Anton, I want you to kill him!
What the hell are you doing?
- [grunting]
- [shouting]
[grunting]
- [shouts]
- [grunts]
- [grunts]
- [groans]
Goodbye, Overlord!
He's done!
This man's gonna kill everyone
in the castle. Hey!
- [Murad] Come on!
- [grunting]
You call yourselves soldiers?
He's gonna kill everyone!
Go! Get him!
- [shouting]
- [grunting]
- [shouting]
- [grunting]
Guys, if you're dead, you're out!
- [grunts]
- [soldiers groaning]
- [soldier grunts]
- [Murad exhales]
He's slashing everyone.
- Are we done yet?
- What?
[soldiers groaning]
I said, "Are we done?"
I can't hear him. Everyone just die!
Go, Murad, go.
Oh, so gross!
[Ayvaz sighs]
Unless this bloodshed stops now,
we can neither hear
nor understand each other, Heracles.
When I came to Byzantium, I only hoped
to take the princess and leave.
I'm ashamed.
Why didn't you tell me that
in the first place?
I don't know. I was shy, I guess.
- Ah, you can't be shy when you're in love.
- [Murad] You're right.
That was stupid of me.
- I love you very much, Elanora.
- Look, we've had brides coming and going.
If you would have just told me,
we could have had some meat,
a few glasses of raki,
and we could have talked about it.
It's his father.
- Master, please!
- Ah! Ah!
His father put him up to this.
The damn father of his.
Am I wrong, Murad?
"Oh, your wrist is like this.
Oh, your wrist is like that."
Any scientific knowledge? [scoffs]
Arts? A true profession?
Nah. Your father put you up to this, boy.
Look at them. These are very good people.
The olive oil he put
on that beautiful salad.
Mwah! Pure!
We had dinner for four at the inn
for just 30 coins.
That was including meat.
- True.
- [grunts]
- Master Ayvaz.
- Whoa!
- Master Ayvaz!
- Murad.
- I'm dying now.
- [Murad gasping]
Master, what do you mean you're dying?
Stress. You think it's easy?
Since I was three,
everyone has been swinging swords
and cutting off heads around me.
Oh, the Middle Ages.
Even the most
sane person would go fucking mad.
- Master! [groans]
- [laughing]
- Master!
- Oh, you asshole!
- [groans] I love you, master!
- [grunts]
[Ayvaz groans]
[sobs] He's gone.
May he rest in peace, Murad.
Thanks a lot.
Come on, baby, stop being sad.
Elanora, will you come
to my village with me?
Of course I will, Murad.
Hopefully, you'll like my village
and especially my father.
Oh, you have a fadar?
Yes, I do.
[laughing]
And sorry for fucking up your palace.
[laughing]
This is it, Elanora. My humble home.
Come on, Avva, please come inside.
My father must be in here. Father!
[gasps] Murad!
Father, what's going on?
This is Mother Mary!
Um, that's odd. Who put that there?
- I killed everyone with my sword, Father.
- Good job, son.
And this is Elanora, your daughter-in-law.
- Are you hiding something there?
- No.
- What is it?
- [gasping]
Murad, is your father... [gasps]
- Please, son!
- Don't call me son! What is this?
- [Elanora gasps]
- Who are you?
Say my name.
Kozbey.
Say it again!
Kozbey, Kozbey, Kozbey,
Kozbey, Koz... Beykoz. Beykoz!
- Kilyos.
- [Murad groaning]
I am Kilyos, the son of Terkos.
Fueled by my father's hatred
who abandoned me exactly 40 years ago,
I unleashed you and a lot
of other youngsters all over Byzantium.
I am Kilyos, the son of Terkos.
I called you "Father."
- I guess I shouldn't call you son anymore.
- No.
It's time to end all the lies.
[Kilyos inhales]
[sobbing]
But I learned my lesson.
I will not raise my sword to you, old man.
- [Avva] Huh.
- Go and worship whatever you wish.
- [Kilyos sighs]
- [Elanora scoffs]
[chuckles] Thank you! Oh, thank you!
- But I get to hit you one time.
- [grunts, groans]
Oh, come on, Murad, get it together.
We're gonna get bad reviews.
Don't!
[both grunt]
- [Elanora exhales]
- [Kilyos groaning]
Bitch! Ashhadu... [groans]
What in the hell?
Oh, stop your whining! Come on, Murad.
One minute you're sensitive,
the next you're not.
Maybe you should have your head checked.
Get out of here.
I want to be alone.
I'm just a withered branch now.
- [gasps] I'm Dry Murad.
- Murad, you need to snap out of it.
Oh, come on. Don't you have any dignity?
Pull yourself together.
You can do better than just
being a princess. Let's get out of here.
- Whatever. Like I give a shit.
- [Avva scoffs]
- Freak.
- Get out!
[moans]
The sword that comes with troubles.
Fuck you and your troubles!
[groans]
[narrator] That day,
a new man was born in that village.
Murad. Dry Murad.
He still had one thing going for him.
A strong wrist.
He was lonely, sure.
- But he had a really strong wrist.
- [spits]
[narrator] Murad. Dry Murad.
[disco music playing]