Episodes (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 8 - Episode Eight - full transcript

Helen gets revenge on Merc by putting Matt forward as the only available host for his new game show. Nor is Matt over-joyed and hopes he can get out of it by selling his beach house to raise the cash for the tax bill he owes. However, on discovering that the buyer is Stoke, one of the young co-stars on 'Pucks' and now the lead in a trio of box office blockbusters he withdraws the sale and agrees to the show, taking out his frustration on the Lincolns by taking back the car he gave them. Beverly gets another shock when Carol tells her that a jealous Helen believes that Beverly is in love with her girl-friend.

You and Helen?

She's a wild one,
with that little swastika down there?

That's a flower.

He's going around telling people
I have some sort of anti-semitic twat?

Oh, I'm gonna fucking kill him.

Okay, now I'm a little scared.

He should be scared.

Fucking brilliant.

Really?

I would love to do this.

Great.



Do you want me in your show?

A key? After two weeks?

It's just... it's too much too fast.

You have to tell her how you feel.

I know she's your friend,

but I'm not sure she has
our best interests at heart.

No?

She's clearly in love with you.

Beverly?

Oh, that's crazy.

Oh, please. Look at her hair.

There's timing. How was the gym?

This idiot woman
on the treadmill next to me

was yakking on her phone
the entire time.



I hate people.

And there's a big bloody sign
right in front of her, saying,

"No phones."

I rest my case.

So I'm staring at her,

trying to blow her up with my mind,

and then I look up at the sign,
and then I look back to her,

then up at the sign again,
and she's just rattling on,

- totally oblivious.
- Mm.

I swear,

it was all I could do not
to grab her fucking phone

and throw it across the gym.

Why didn't you just say something?

Ah, I didn't want
to make a big deal of it.

Ah, look who's here.

Oh.

Oh, look.

There's your girlfriend.

She's not my...

- Morning.
- Hi.

Whoo.

Almost got me there.

Almost.

Actually, you are just the person
I wanted to see.

- Oh?
- I got the weirdest call

yesterday from Matt LeBlanc's agent,

saying you'd offered him
a role in Opposite?

Oh, right.

I was like, "What?"

So sorry, totally our fault.

Matt read the script, wanted to do it.

We didn't know how to say no.

Welcome to my world.

We finally told him last night.
It was not pretty.

Well, next time,
I'd just appreciate a little heads-up.

Absolutely.

Hopefully there won't be a next time.

Anyway, uh,
we are late for a table read.

We got to go.

Bye-bye.

I like her.

She's great, isn't she?

Um...

Whoo.

Almost got me again.

I know.

What the hell was that?

What?

What? She practically ran me over.

It was an accident.

Maybe the first time.

You're saying it was deliberate?

Well, it's not like I'm a squirrel
crossing the highway.

Oh, please.

And did you notice
she hardly looked at me?

- No?
- No.

She only looked at you.

Well, I've always had a way
with the lesbians.

At school, they used to say
I could turn a woman gay.

I'm glad you're enjoying this.
I found it deeply troubling.

Speaking of which...

I suppose we had
to see him eventually.

Look, actors don't get
cast in parts all the time.

He's a big boy.

At a certain point,
he's just gonna have to acc...

- Hey.
- Morning.

Clearly he has not reached that point.

I would say not.

Oh, so awful.

Okay.

Well, let us know
if you hear anything else.

Oh.

Good news?

Up Till Now had to shut down.

What? Why?

The guy playing the best friend,
the stand-up, Adam Bailen?

- I think it's Ballen.
- No, Bailen.

- Are you sure?
- She said Bailen.

All this time I've been saying Ballen.

That's embarrassing.

- What about him?
- He's dead.

What?

He fell off the back
of a boat last night.

They just found his body.

Oh, my God.

What was he doing on a boat?

Boating?

Why?

He was so young.

And so talented, really funny.

I know.

And he had just lost all that weight.

Oh, it's heartbreaking.

- So now we have to recast?
- Oh.

It's the middle of pilot season.

What a fucking nightmare.

What about Matt LeBlanc?

God knows he's available.

Hmm. Not too old?

Well, what's-his-name could
have an old best friend.

Nah, sounds depressing.

- I guess.
- I still like him, though.

We should keep him in mind
for something.

Hmm.

What?

You still pissed at Merc?

What do you think? Why?

So, what's the big news?

Well, we were talking about
possible hosts for your show.

Yeah? You like my new list?

Mm, it's definitely better,

in that all of them are alive.

You're welcome.

Except for Gene Rayburn,

who is, in fact, dead.

Oh, man.

I can't catch a break.

That's fine,
'cause we actually have an idea

that we are very excited about.

Well, if you're excited, I'm excited.

Oh, I'm excited.

There's an actor.

He's charming. He's funny.

- And alive?
- Very much so.

Sounds perfect.

He's never done anything
like this before.

So who is it? You're killing me here.

Oh, just you wait.

- Do you want to...?
- Yeah.

This should really come from me.

Matt LeBlanc.

That's a joke, right?

Am I laughing?

Come on. Are you fucking kidding me?

Not a fan?

There's no way that cocksucker
is hosting my show.

Really?

See, I thought you wanted
to get on the air.

Look, there's got to be somebody else.

Mm, not for me.

You know Helen.

When she gets an idea in her head...

Please, I am begging you, don't do this.

Come on, we've got history.

Oh, I think we are all aware
of our history.

Oh, Jesus.

Is that what this is?
Because she told you about...

Absolutely not. Give me some credit.

I swear on my little swastika tattoo,

this is nothing personal.

Are you fucking kidding me?
Merc Lapidus?

I'm telling you,
he said he can't do it without you.

- Bullshit.
- I talked to the man myself.

Well, I don't care. No fucking way.

Look, I get it.

Obviously, you don't,
'cause if you did...

Can you set aside
your personal feelings for one minute?

- No.
- This is a business decision.

You asked me to bring you a project.

This is an amazing project.

Okay, maybe I should
have been more specific.

Bring me a project that isn't produced

by a lying, evil,

piece-of-shit, fuckface scumbag.

How are you?

We love you.

Oh. Love you too.

Uh, we know you're eating, but...

Yeah, sure.

San... ni... ichi.

Huh?

How we doing here?

- Again?
- Yeah.

San... ni... ichi.

There you go.

Okeydokey. This was great.

Bye-bye.

Go on. Konnichiwa.

He got fat.

At least listen to the deal.

Jesus Christ.

It's not just money. I got you points.

You would own a big piece of the show.

I don't care. I'm not gonna
be a fucking game-show host.

First of all,
it's more than just a game show.

This has the potential to be an event.

Apparently it is huge in Holland.

Everything's huge in Holland.

The stupid country's, like, this big.

Look, my job is to advise you.

You want my advice?

Don't be a schmuck.

This could be serious money for you,

and right now you need serious money.

Okay, now, here's my advice for you.

I don't give a shit.

I'll... I'll...

I'll sell my beach house
before I work with that...

that hugging, two-faced, balding...

Don't say Jewish. Don't say Jewish.

- Don't say Jewish.
- I wasn't gonna say Jewish.

Okay. Okay, I'm just...

I'm just doing my job.

Beverly Lincoln on one.

Um, totally not a big deal,

but in the future, when Beverly calls,

would you mind
not shouting it over to me?

Oh, okay.

Like I say, not a big deal.

But maybe skip the intercom too.

Just come in and quietly say,

"It's You-Know-Who."

You-Know-Who.

Got it.

Also, let's maybe leave her
off my phone sheet,

just in case people are like,

"Mm, mm, mm," you know?

Again...

Not a big deal.

Exactly.

Um, by the way,

You-Know-Who is still on hold.

Right, yes.

Thank you.

Hey, you.

- Hello.
- Sorry about that.

He had to pull me out of a meeting.

It's all right.

So, what's cooking?

I, uh, just had a question.

- Shoot.
- And be honest.

- When am I not?
- Right now.

Oh, all right. What?

Does Helen have an issue with me?

What?

Helen? No.

I just got a very strange vibe
from her yesterday.

From Helen?

That's crazy.

Helen loves you.

- Big, big fan.
- Really?

Because it seemed like
she was trying to run me over.

Oh, that's just Helen
having a little fun.

And I want it on my desk first thing!

- Ugh!
- Who was that?

That idiot, what's-his-name in research.

Who, Stuart?

Yes.

Should we just fire him?

Maybe. Maybe.

Smart.

- Yo.
- Matt, it's Britta.

Hey.

So it took me, like,
five minutes, and guess what.

I've already got a potential buyer
for the beach house.

Wow.

That was fast.

You know me.

Who is it?

- Uh, I can't tell you.
- Seriously?

Oh, they made me sign
a confidentiality thing.

Wow.

Okay. Miley Cyrus?

That would be telling you.

I get it.

- Jim Carrey?
- Stop.

Who's the Bee Gee that's still alive?

- Barry?
- Is it him?

I am not playing this game.

All right, well, just tell me one thing.

Has this person ever
been back to the future?

Anyway,
they want to come Friday morning.

Can you make yourself scarce?

I have to be scarce? It's my house.

Well, first of all,
the seller should never be there.

Plus,
his people actually insisted on it.

- So it's a he?
- I never said that.

- Matt Damon.
- I'm not telling you.

- Harrison Ford.
- I'm gonna hang up.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

Stop it.

- So Friday morning?
- Yeah, fine.

And they know I'm not taking
a penny less than my asking.

I was very clear.

Okay.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Great.

- Benedict Cumberbatch.
- No.

- That's a real person, right?
- Yeah.

Bye.

What the hell?

Hey, hey.

Hi. Hello?

Hi. What are you doing?
Those are our cars.

Actually, they're Mr. LeBlanc's cars.

- Brilliant.
- Yeah, well, okay, technically,

but he gave them to us.

Well, I guess technically
he's taking them back.

Unbelievable.

And yet in every way believable.

Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

Just let me speak to Mr. LeBlanc.

I'm sure I can persuade him to...

Really?

The cars?

You're taking back the cars?

Is this how you're gonna punish us?

Doesn't this seem a little bit petty,
even for you?

Nice persuading.

You're a baby!

It's fine. Let it go.

Oh, yeah, do you know what?
Take your bloody cars!

Who cares? Take... take them!

Go! Go! Go!

Aren't your sunglasses in there?

Oh, shit. Fuck!

Wait! Wait!

Wait! Wait!

You're still here.

I'm leaving now.

Uh, that's what you said
half an hour ago.

Calm down. I'm going. This is good-bye.

Yeah, I didn't believe it
when Cher said it,

and I don't believe it now.

Go.

Okay.

What are you doing?

I'm just gonna get some
coffee on the way out.

- Do you want some?
- You've got to get out of here.

Oh, shit.

Oh, well.

Not "oh, well." Go out the back.

Relax.

I just want to see who it is.

All right. And then you'll go?

Then I'll go.

- Hi.
- It's Ron.

Come on in.

I don't even recognize that guy.

What's he been in?

Real estate.

He's the agent.

What the fuck?

Oh, right.

You were on his show.

His show?

Okay, you saw him.

Now leave.

Dude!

Are you looking at this place too?

Uh...

No. I live here.

No way.

They told me it was someone famous,

but I never thought of you.

Well, it's me.

This is crazy.

Can you imagine if I bought your house?

I cannot.

How do you even have the money for this?

I know, right? It's nuts.

I got three movies back-to-back.

- Seriously?
- It's this franchise.

They're based on this trilogy.

I haven't read 'em,
'cause there's, like, three.

Sure.

Anyway, how about a tour?

Actually, I was just on my way out.

He was.

No, come on, man.
You got to show me around.

Fine.

Living room.

Holy shit.

This is awesome.

Yep.

- I would not change one thing.
- Okay.

This is like a fucking '90s museum.

What?

It's like time stopped in here.

My parents had these chairs.

Uh, by the way, all the furnishings
are included in the sale price.

Oh, my God.

Was that you?

Yeah.

Jesus.

That piano is white!

- You play?
- No.

- You want to hear me play?
- No.

All right, tour's moving.
Tour is moving!

Sorry.

Whoa.

Nice.

And this is what 70 feet
of ocean frontage looks like.

Oh, look at this.

I'll bet you had some wild parties
back in the day.

Yeah.

It was me, Abe Lincoln,
and some guys from the Bible.

Tour's moving!

Hey.

You-Know-Who on two.

What?

Oh.

Thank you, Peter.

Oh, eh, door closed?

Yeah, sure, why not?

- Hi, honey.
- I need to speak with you.

What's up?

No, in person.

Want to go for a hike this afternoon

or maybe grab a drink?

I wish. I am so swamped.

Pilot season. Blah!

All right, well,
I could come over there if it's easier.

Here? No. No.

That's crazy. I'll come to you.

How about behind your stage?

Behind our stage?

Where the dumpsters are?

Are you serious?

I'm on my way.

All right, that's it.

That's the house. There you go.

Bye-bye.

Hey, wait a second.
Can I ask you something?

No.

What?

Okay, so I got all this money
from these movies,

and my guy is telling me
I got to buy something,

but...

I don't know shit about real estate.

Haven't heard a question yet.

Oh, okay, so I've seen
a bunch of different places,

and this is definitely the coolest.

- Still no fucking question.
- Oh, okay.

So I-I realize it's yours,

but just, like...

investment-wise...

if you didn't have to sell it,
would you buy this place?

What do you mean,
if I didn't have to sell it?

Who told you I have to sell it?

- Uh...
- I may have said something.

I don't have to sell it.

I thought Britta said...
Yeah, I probably misheard.

I don't have to fucking sell it at all.

Look, honey, don't...

Okay, all right,
anyone who's an asshole,

get out of my house.

Get out of my house.

Out of my house.

Take your fucking grapefruit candles

and get out of my house.

And this is why we don't
like the seller at a showing!

- What about just the piano?
- Out of my house!

Hello.

Good work.

Wha...

What is wrong with you?

- What?
- What?

We are meeting in rubbish.

Ooh. When did you get so fancy?

What is going on?

Nothing.

Okay, you know when I said
Helen doesn't have an issue with you?

- Right.
- Helen has an issue with you.

Thank you.

So, what?

Oh, you're gonna laugh.

I bet I don't.

It's so crazy, but...

She's got this idea

you might be...

- What?
- In love with me.

In love with you?

Well, you don't
have to say it like that.

My God.

Of all the things I imagined.

- It's mad.
- I know. That's what I told her.

So is she worried
you're in love with me?

No.

Well, why is that so unlikely?

In this fantasy world of hers,
I'm in love with you,

but you're not in love with me?

Nope.

Well...

That's a bit rude.

I guess she's thinking
it's more likely that...

What, that it would go this way,
but not this way?

I don't know.

You're the one with the lesbian haircut.

You're the one
with the lesbian girlfriend.

Ooh, there he is!

I sure am.

Come here.

Ah.

Mm.

Sorry I'm late.

Eh, it's fine.

I was stuck on the phone
with stupid Holland.

Mm.

I swear, everything they say
sounds like they're clearing their throats.

Hi-ka-hoo-ka, hi-ka-hoo-ka.

So, how you doing?

Good one.

No, seriously,

how you doing
after that Larry Penzel thing?

That stealing fuck.

I heard you got hit pretty bad too.

Well, not like you.

Somebody said 32.

Eh, it's just money.

Absolutely.
As long as you got your health.

And I got to tell you,

you lose a ball,
you get your priorities straight.

Wouldn't know. I've still got both.

Well, thankfully, it only takes one.

Still, I'd rather have two.

What about you?

How's the divorce coming?

It's a divorce.

They get a little easier each time.

I heard she dumped you too.

Yeah, yeah.
But it didn't cost me a penny.

Look at us, making a show together.

Look at us.

You know, I got to say,

the fact that we can sit here
and break bread...

I think that says a lot about us.

By the way,
can we get some bread over here?

You see,
that's what I love about this business.

When push comes to shove,

you put all the crap aside
to make great TV.

I don't have to like you.
You don't have to like me.

- Not to worry.
- Exactly.

We are professionals.

Yup.

Like two old whores.

Right. Who won't we fuck?

- Oh, I'm excited about this.
- I know you are.

You, in love with Carol?

- I know.
- That's insane.

Ah, ah, ah.

Use the mitts.

I'm fine.

And she got this idea from where?

My haircut, among other things.

- Ah.
- What?

I don't see it.

Oh, and you want to hear
something particularly galling?

Always.

Apparently, in this scenario,

Carol is not in love with me.

That would seem to be a good thing.

Not if I'm in love with her.

But you're not.

That's not the point.

So you want her to be in love with you?

It would just be polite.

Anyway, I'll go and see Helen tomorrow

and straighten it out.

Oh, dear God, no.

I have to clear the air,

let her know she needn't worry.

And why on earth would she believe you?

I'm telling you,
you will only make this worse.

Oh, look, you've made it healthy.

Yeah. Virtually a salad now.

Please do not talk to Helen.

So what, I should just go
on letting her believe...

Yes. Leave it alone.

Look, we have a really good thing
with her.

She loves the show. She loves us.

At least she did until you
and your golf-pro haircut

got involved.

And promise me you will
stay away from Carol.

She's my friend.

Oh, please.

You were prepared to go back to London
and not give her another thought.

I'm begging you.

The last thing you need is to
get between two lesbians...

Or one and a half lesbians or
whatever Carol is right now.

Here to repossess our bed?

Oh, right, the bed.

I want my bed.

Oh, my God.

How drunk are you?

Please tell me you didn't drive here.

I'm pretty sure I did.

What are you doing here?

I'm here to say fuck you.

Fuck you, and fuck you.

Don't you think you've fucked us enough?

I wasn't even going there.

You know what?

Enough.

You're an actor.

I'm sure this isn't the first time
you've missed out on a part.

Well, thanks to you,
now I'm gonna be a...

What?

A game-show host.

- A what?
- A game-show host.

What are you talking about?

And you want to know
who I'm doing it with?

Merc Lapidus.

- Merc Lapidus?
- You're not.

Yep.

It's like going to work for Hitler,

except he lives at the end.

That does sound dreadful.

It is dreadful.

It's fucking dreadful.

- And you have to do it?
- Yeah.

I have to do it.

I'm out of choices.

Come here.

Oh.

Mm.

Sorry I took your cars.

Can't get to work in a sorry.

I'll bring them back.

Thank you.

I'm just...

so tired.

Mm.