Episodes (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 5 - Episode Five - full transcript

Something from Tim Whittick.

He calls me Yoko.

He doesn't call you Yoko.

Every time he sees me,
he somehow manages

to work the word "Ono"
into the conversation.

Oh, no.

So I read through those notes
from that Tim guy,

and I ran them past legal.

And?

You have a legal problem.

Bloody hell.



He wants to run the show with you.

I thought you were gonna
make this go away?

So did I.

If you maintain
your current rate of spending,

you'll run out of money
by the time you get here.

2019?

Fuck you.

- (Whistling)
- (Cell phone playing tune)

(Groans)

Yo. It's Bob.

If you don't have good news,
I'm hanging up.

All right. Be well.

Oh, fuck. What?

Apparently Penzel stopped
paying your taxes



four years ago.

Bullshit. I signed the returns.

I signed the checks.

Then he shredded the returns,

cashed the checks,
and took the money.

I've been on with the IRS all morning.

How much?

$7.9 million.

Jesus.

Yep.

Now what?

Now we do what we should have done
in the first place.

No, no. No, not the plane.

Oh, the plane's
not even a question.

We got to talk about the cars,
the beach house,

the place in Cabo,
the watches, the restaurant,

the boat, the dinosaur egg...

Mm.

You look like your nuts
got kicked in the nuts.

Financial shit.

Okay, I had an idea.

And before you say no,
I think it could be

very lucrative for both of us.

- What?
- Sex tape.

(Scoffs)
You're fucking crazy.

You remember mine?

I may have jerked off to it.

- It was good, right?
- Good enough.

I made enough from that one tape
to move to Brentwood,

and that was just me
and some black guy.

Imagine...

I'm not making a sex tape with you.

I'm not talking about now.

I still have the one from...

From what?

Is this you being funny?

No idea what you're talking about.

Seriously?

- What, us?
- Yeah, us.

- Come on.
- Wow.

- Forget it.
- No, tell me.

- When?
- Years ago.

What, like, before Friends?

Yeah, before Friends.

I was the famous one.

I was Kelly. You were nobody.

And you don't remember me?

No.

Dick.

By the way, this lunch is on me.

Absolutely not. We invited you.

Well, I appreciate that,
since I did not bring any money.

(Laughter)
I'm not joking.

I'll also need $10
for the valet, so...

(Laughter)

Still not joking, but all right.

A toast to... the three of us.

Oh, yeah.
Well, look, here's the thing.

The three of us working together?

- Really?
- (Chuckles)

Really?

- That's the worst toast ever.
- (Laughs)

Seriously, you have to admit,
it's a bit untenable.

Not to me.

But since I was part
of this project first,

if you want to step aside,

I would totally support that.

Well, I'm not stepping anywhere.

Oh, no?

Okay, you heard it again, right?

- I did.
- What?

Honestly, we can't all do it together.

You know that.

I'm not going anywhere.

Look, we both appreciate...

Yeah, I don't think
you appreciate fuck all.

I've been hanging on to this business

by my damn fingernails.

Three weeks ago, I was this close

to junking the whole bloody thing

and going to work
for my brother in Watford,

cleaning up crime scenes
and suicides.

This is my chance

to not be wiping brains off a wall.

Finally, I have a TV show...

A big, fat American TV show...

And Eileen says
that if it takes off...

Wait. I'm... I'm sorry.

Eileen?

Oh, yeah. I signed with Eileen.

Eileen is your agent?

- Right.
- Our Eileen is your Eileen?

Yeah.

Anyone care to wipe my brains
off the wall?

Eileen Jaffee's office.

It's Sean and Beverly Lincoln.

- Is she there?
- Let me check.

You're on with Eileen.

Hi, guys.

You signed Tim?

I signed him who?

Not "him," Tim.

- Oh, yes.
- Seriously?

You don't see this as a
potential conflict of interest?

- Not yet.
- It's unconscionable.

Honey, I'm about to lose you.

I'm on a plane, and we're taking off.

Where you going?

Um...

(Line beeps)

Okay, the Chateau Marmont?

Alan Thicke's birthday party?

We went back to my place,
and I blew you in my hot tub!

Jesus.

I was at Alan Thicke's birthday party?

(Growls)

What was that?

- She's got it in her head that we...
- It happened!

(Cell phone playing tune)

- Hello?
- Hi, honey.

Quick question...

We just heard about this Tim person.

What?

Eileen says he's going to be
running the show

- with you guys?
- Bloody Eileen.

- Was she kidding?
- (Mouths word)

I wish. He's Sean's ex-partner.

Oh, God, it's too upsetting
to even talk about.

Well, we're gonna need to meet him.

You should definitely not meet him.

If he's gonna be part of the show...

Hopefully a very, very small part.

Uh-huh.

Sean and I are trying
to keep his involvement

to an absolute minimum.

Mm.

I am begging you,
do not meet with him.

It will only inflate

his already ridiculous
sense of importance.

Great. We'll set up a meeting.

Talk to you later. Bye-bye.

But...

You seem a little stressed, bud.

(Scoffs)
You think?

The Penzel thing?

It's like the perfect storm,

if the storm was made of shit.

Well, if it's any help, lunch is on me.

Lunch is always on you.

What'd help is a job.
You got one of those?

(Chuckling)
Hey, I'm not a magician.

Yeah, well, you better
pull something out of your ass.

What magic shows did you go to?

You mean to tell me
there's nothing out there?

Not nothing. Things come your way.

But I try to be selective.

I don't want to waste your time
with shit.

Waste my time. Tell me.

Okay, there's a thing
I just got a call on.

Yeah?

Normally, I wouldn't even think

- of bringing this to you.
- Bring it. What's the show?

- Not a show.
- Movie?

Not exactly. It's...

a party.

Are you shitting me?
You're bringing me a party?

See, this is why I screen stuff.

(Sighs)
What kind of party?

It's a birthday party for the head of state
of a country in Central Asia.

He's turning 50, and he's offering

to pay $500,000 for you to be there.

Half a million to show up at a party?

Yep.

Why would you not bring me this?

Um, his regime is somewhat iffy...

torture-wise.

Huh.

- You ever heard of Kharakistan?
- No.

He's the "butcher" of Kharakistan.

And he wants me
at his birthday party?

Apparently he's a huge Friends fan.

Loves the show. Joey's his favorite.

Aw.

Now, keep in mind,
he's widely considered

to be among the worst dictators
on the planet.

- Okay.
- He's a war criminal.

He's been accused
of unspeakable atrocities.

On the plus side,

he would send
his private plane for you.

Hmm.

Also, you can bring
as many people as you want.

So who else is going to this thing?

They've reached out
to a number of our clients.

- Like who?
- I can't say...

Just like I wouldn't tell anyone
that you were going.

Let me ask you this.

Would I be the biggest name there?

- Mm, probably in television.
- So feature people?

Oh, yeah. It's a big deal.

He is spending millions on this thing.

He's got Oprah's party planner.

They're flying in chandeliers
from Austria.

Wow.

On the other hand...
full disclosure...

he killed 11,000 people...

in January.

- This January?
- Yes.

Got ya.

What would I have to do at this thing?

Just show up, schmooze a little.

There might be a group of you
singing happy birthday.

What language?

Oh, English. He went to B.U.

So how are things coming
with the show?

Ah, terrific.

I've been to Holland twice
to see how they do it.

Wow. Good for you.

- You ever been?
- No, no.

- Did you get to see the tulips?
- (Chuckles)

You can't fucking miss the tulips.

It's like yellow tulips,
red tulips, purple tulips.

Enough with the tulips.

We get it. You're Holland.

- Sure.
- And hookers.

Everywhere you look,
tulips and hookers.

- (Chuckles)
- Right. Okay.

So, uh, we got your list
of potential hosts.

Great. What do you think?

Well, uh, just so you know,

Bert Convy is dead.

Jesus.

No. When?

Um, 1991.

Oh, well, that's a shame.

- He'd have been great.
- Yeah.

Also, Richard Dawson is dead.

Come on.

And Guy Smiley is a puppet
on Sesame Street.

(Sighs)
Wow.

Clearly Google is not my friend.

Clearly.
(Both laugh)

So we'll need a new list.

You got it. And nobody dead.

That would help.
(Both laugh)

All righty.

So how's it going here with Helen?

Oh, she's terrific.

Yeah? You like working under her?

Or are you on top?

What?

"What?"

(Laughs)
I-I don't...

I don't know
where you got that, but...

Fine, fine, fine, fine.
Whatever you say.

But FYI...
(Clicks tongue)

Good for you.
That is one hunk of woman.

Oh. Can we please drop this?

It's dropped. It's dropped.

I just get a kick out of knowing

that you and I drank
from the same well.

What are you talking about?

Ah, I'm sorry I even said anything.

You and Helen?

Yeah, it was back
when she worked for me.

It was just one night, but ooh.

She's a wild one

with that little swastika down there.

- What?
- Come on, you know.

That little swastika tattoo?

That's a flower.

Oh.

Yeah, it was pretty dark,

and I hadn't had my LASIK yet.

Yeah, not a swastika.

That's a relief.
(Chuckles)

I got to say, it made me
a little uncomfortable.

This whole conversation
is making me uncomfortable.

Funny, 'cause it's making me
a little hot.

It's not hot.

- It's kind of hot.
- No.

Come on, it's almost like
the three of us were together.

- It's not like that.
- It's sort of like that.

Not even a little.

Tell that to what's in my head.

I can't control the shit in there.

- No, you cannot.
- Well, thanks for coming in.

My pleasure.
(Chuckles)

And I mean that.

They're saying I can bring
anyone I want.

Well, this is exciting.
Thank you so much.

And he's flying us there
on his private plane?

He's a fan.

I've never even heard of this country.

It's gonna be fun.
It's a whole three-day thing.

There's optional tours
to, like, ancient temples,

or you can visit a uranium mine.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Are you aware that this man
is a mass murderer?

Uh, yeah, I've heard some mixed things.

Let me see.

He has killed hundreds
of thousands of people.

So I guess the party
won't be too crowded.

Jesus Christ, he slaughtered
11,000 people in...

In January. Yeah, yeah, I know.

How can you go to
this murderer's birthday party?

Who's having a party?

According to the Hague,

his regime is second only
to North Korea

in its human rights violations.

- Oh, you got invited to that?
- Uh-huh.

You're not seriously considering this?

It's endorsing evil.

It's morally reprehensible.

- It's three days.
- How much are you getting?

- $500,000.
- Nice.

He's paying you?
You never mentioned that.

- That makes it even worse.
- Or better.

God, times have changed.

I only got $30,000 for going
to Idi Amin's Christmas party.

Hang on.

You spent Christmas with Idi Amin?

Well, not just me.

It was me, Herve Villechaize,
Yul Brynner,

Angie Dickinson, and Eva Gabor.

God, I had such a thing
for Angie Dickinson.

So did Idi, and let me tell you,

that guy was handsy.

Yeah, that's what
he'll be remembered for.

They are paying you $500,000?

Plus a party.

Look, I realize you're
in a tough position financially,

but you have to say no to this.

It is wrong on so many levels.

Okay, let's...

Okay, let's say I don't go.

What's that gonna accomplish, huh?

Does it save one village
from being slaughtered?

Does it stop one beheading? No.

It just means
some other schmuck celebrity

will get my gift bag.

That's right. There are gift bags.

Why would you tell me that?

He told you what?

It's no big deal.

I just thought it was a little weird

that we talked all about me and Merc

and you never said anything...

Well, I never said anything

because I made him explicitly promise

that neither of us
would ever, ever tell anyone.

And now he's telling you?

Well, just me.

- We don't know that.
- No.

I mean, if he's telling you,
who else is he telling?

- I don't know.
- Ugh!

I am so pissed.

I'm saving his ass,
giving him a fucking TV show,

and this is how he thanks me?

Um, if it helps, he said
it was an amazing night.

The only thing amazing
is that I did it.

Talk about shit you regret.

I was in the middle
of getting my divorce from ed.

He was still getting rid
of the first one,

what's-her-name with no chin?

- Marlene.
- Marlene.

Yes. Very good.

We were both drunk.
He made a move.

I was like, "What the hell?
How bad can it be?"

- That bad?
- Oh, my God.

It's like having sex with a potato.

- Yeah.
- A sweating potato.

Oh, and this was back
when he still had his toupee.

At one point, it came off.

Yeah, I looked down,

it was like this wet, little
ferret on my stomach.

(Laughing)
Oh, God.

Yeah, and then at the end...

'cause it needed to get worse...

he came on a picture of my kids.

- What?
- Oh, yeah.

It was on my nightstand.

Now, when you say to a person,
"not inside me,"

that doesn't give them license

to just shoot it the fuck anywhere.

- No, it does not.
- I'm sorry.

A little aim...
Is that asking too much?

- Totally fair.
- Stupid bazooka dick.

You know, that was the last guy
I was ever with.

And I'm not saying he was the reason,

but, ugh, talk about
going out with a whimper,

literally a whimper...

A whimper and then a fart.

Yeah, the farting thing
takes some getting used to.

So...

What else did he tell you?

Um, that's it.

- Mm.
- Really.

- Oh.
- What?

He did mention your tattoo.

- Although...
- What?

He thought it was a swastika.
(Laughs)

Please tell me you're kidding.

(Laughing)
Nope. A swastika.

Oh, come on, you got to admit,
that's kind of funny.

Not to me.

He's going around telling people
I have some sort of anti-semitic twat?

Oh, I'm gonna fucking kill him.

- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

But I'm so gonna get his ass.

Okay, now I'm a little scared.

He should be scared.

Wh...

Is it really that big a deal?

Yes.

Do you think I want people out there

thinking I spent even one night
fucking Merc Lapidus?

I mean, what does that say
about me as a human being?

Uh, five years.

- Oh, right.
- Mm.

But that's...
(Chuckles)

That's different.

That's...

You...

- Yeah, I got nothing.
- Yeah.

Is it me, or are there more pillows

than there were this morning?

(Cell phone chimes)

- Who's that at 11:30?
- Tim.

He wants to know
what we're all wearing

to the network meeting tomorrow.

Doesn't he realize he's our nemesis?

He isn't supposed to be asking
for fashion tips.

I know. It's insane.

Of all the bloody nerve.

What are you typing?

"Smart casual."

There, done.

Phone off.

And look, the bed is finally
denuded of pillows.

(Sighs)

Speaking of "denuded"...

I noticed that word in there.

- I was hoping you might.
- (Chuckling)

Come here, please.

So polite.

What?

Nothing.

- What?
- (Sighs)

I can't stop thinking about Tim.

Huh.

Whatever the opposite
of an erection is,

I just got a big one.

I'm sorry.

(Sighs)

Just the thought of working with him,

being stuck in a room
with him all day...

I don't think I can do it.

Life's too short.

Well, what choice do we have?

I don't know.

Maybe you should do the show
without me.

What?

You can do it,

and Tim can type it.

That's crazy.

It's not. I'll be fine.

I'll get a job on another show,

or I'll do charity work...

Maybe something with refugees
from Kharakistan.

No. No. I'm not doing it without you.

Look, I wish to hell
I could just make him disappear,

but I can't.

This seems to be the only solution.

Don't you ever get tired
of compromising?

That's how the world works.

Just give it a chance.

Please.

For me.

That's so unfair.

That's why I said it.

(Sighs)

Okay...

For you.

- I love you.
- (Chuckles)

Mm, look who's back.

- He was very patient.
- Thank you.

He doesn't get to hear that
nearly enough.

(Chuckles)

- (Sports broadcast playing on TV)
- (Knock at door)

Yeah?

Maybe this will jog your memory.

Of what, the '80s?

How the hell
am I supposed to play that?

On your VCR?

Nobody has a VCR.

(Groans)
Hey.

- Can you get us a VCR?
- A what?

(People moaning on TV)

Wait. Stop. Stop.

What?

That is not me.

I know that's not you.

Aw, you know who that is?

- That's Dean Martin's driver.
- Oh, yeah?

Dean shot a guest spot on "Kelly".

Looks like his driver shot
a guest spot on "Kelly" too.

Hang on. I'm pretty sure you're next.

Next?

What is this...
The vagina deli?

(Sighs)

(People moaning)

So? Ring a bell?

Nope.

- Are you sure that's...
- Oh.

Yeah, that's me.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

I'm so fucking young.

What about me?

You actually look younger now.

Jesus Christ.

I'm like a baby.

Look at my ass!

It was a great ass.

Well, this wasn't that long ago.

What the hell happened to me?

Yeah, it's a mystery.

Look, you see that move
where I flipped you over?

I'd need two guys to help me now.

(Sighs)

(Groans)

This is the most depressing
sex tape ever.

Oh, man, even my balls look new!

So why don't you catch us up?

How did the three of you guys meet?

Well, Sean-y and I met at university.

Oh, so you didn't
all start out together?

Oh, no.

He and I were partners for years.

La Bev came along much, much later.

We were all hired to work
together on a sketch show,

and all of a sudden, there she was

with her biting wit and...

Pfft, I don't know what.
(Chuckles)

Oh, say it...

Vagina.

(Laughter)
It's true.

How do you compete with that?

(Sighs)

And I just thought they were cheating

on Sean's wife, Emmeline.

Turns out I was out
with the rubbish too.

Oh, and I thought we were so close.

(Chuckles)

Uh, right, well, ancient history.

Clearly, everything's worked out
for the best.

Mm, tell that to Emmeline.

I'll have my vagina drop her a note.

(Laughs)

Yeah, the point is,
we're all together now,

- and it is very exciting.
- Mmhmm.

Well, let's talk a little about that.

How do you see the three
of you working together?

Oh, well, um...

We haven't exactly worked out
the nuts and bolts,

but I think we bring different skills.

For instance, Sean and I
actually wrote the script,

created the characters,
all the dialogue.

Tim is apparently a whiz
at the typing.

So I guess he brings that.

(Chuckles)

Well, you know, more than that,

- you know, clearly.
- Thank you.

I like to think
I also bring perspective.

Now, don't get me wrong...
The script is brilliant.

Obviously.

But I think these two are
so close to it,

they can't see there are ways
to make it much, much better.

- Such as?
- Yes, please tell us.

Well, for starters, I think
we can really up the comedy.

Oh, my gosh.

If you could get it up,

that would be wonderful.

(Laughter)

Maybe this is something
we should discuss

just the three of us.

Absolutely.

Ah, it's just that I remember

when Sean-y and I
were coming up with it.

Somehow the whole thing
just felt funnier.

Also, I think the characters
can have a lot more bite.

Really? Need more bite, do you?

- Okay.
- I mean, they're fine.

But there's something
a little nothing-y about them.

Nothing-y?
(Chuckles)

Nothing-y.

Ooh, obviously touched a nerve.

No. You have a nerve.

Okay, I'm gonna jump in here,
if I may.

- Please, God, do.
- Mm, mm-hmm.

Everyone here knows

that to get a show right

is almost impossible.

Exactly.

To get a real bona fide hit...

something great...
you need everything spot-on.

If you make one mistake,

then you don't have lightning
in a bottle.

You just have a bottle.

And I can tell you right now

that this is the mistake.

So here's the deal.

It's either him or us.

I'm afraid that's a deal my lawyers

won't be too comfortable with.

Well, hopefully they're funny lawyers,

since you'll be doing the show
with them.

Enough bite for you?

Look, if you bow out now
and this thing takes off,

you'll make a ton of money.

We'll let Eileen here
negotiate with herself

to see what she thinks is fair.

You'll still be one
of the creators of a hit show,

and you can parlay that
into a whole career.

Or you can dig in your heels,

insist on being part of
something that isn't happening,

and get a big slice of nothing-y pie.

Your call.

Oh, no.

(Traditional Middle Eastern music)

(Indistinct chatter)

Mm, thanks.

Holy shit.

What? No way.
(Laughs)

Oh, my God. Hey, buddy.

Have you been here the whole time?

- Yeah.
- Were you at the uranium mine?

No, no, I did the thing
with the drones.

Yeah, we each got to blow up a jeep.

Aw, shit, I should've done that one.

- How insane is this?
- Oh, my God.

That thing with the swans?

Yeah, that was too many swans.

Hey, uh, are you gonna keep
your llama?

(Sighs)
It's a lot to schlep back.

And then what do you do with it?

I don't know, but it was a gift.

I don't want to piss him off.

No. No.

How come you're not wearing
your thing?

What do you mean?
They said it was optional.

Yeah, but who knows
what "optional" means here?

Besides, I-I kind of like it.

I feel like Aladdin.

Or Mrs. Roper.

Eh.
(Both chuckle)

- Want to get some caviar?
- Ugh, really? More?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, by the way, can I get
a lift back to the palace?

They shot my driver.

- Seriously?
- (Mouths word)

- This place is nuts.
- I know.

But, hey, for a million bucks...