Episodes (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 4 - Episode Four - full transcript

Oh, we are so screwed.

I disagree.

Darling, we are so screwed

that large men with tools
could not unscrew us.

Our script is totally different

from what's in those notes.

"Totally"?

All right, it's got two families

played by the same group of actors.

You mean the premise.

Fine, the premise,
but it was my idea.



He offered nothing.

All Tim did was type it.

Well, clearly
that's where the money is.

And by the way, don't you think
it's a little odd

that this is the first
you're telling me any of this?

Because there was no "this" to tell.

It was just an idea.

Well, there's a "this" now.

It just pisses me off
that he has the nerve

to suddenly claim
we came up with it together.

Doesn't matter who came up with it.

You were his partner.

Are you really taking his side?

Oh, believe me, the irony of this...



I am choking on it, but I'm sorry.

He is within his rights.

Wait.

You mean to tell me that if...

if Albert Einstein came up
with the theory of relativity...

Really? That's who you're
comparing yourself to?

- To make a point.
- Fine.

If Einstein came up
with the theory of relativity...

And his useless partner,
Shmeinstein,

did nothing but write it on the board,

he should share equal credit?

If he's his partner, yes.

And then it would rightfully be called

Einstein and Shmeinstein's
theory of relativity

to the absolute delight
of schoolchildren everywhere.

Morning.

Oh, fuck.

Yep.

How much tequila did we have?

I'd say just enough.

There goes four years
of therapy out the window.

Nah.

Come on, we had fun.

I had fun.

What's bad?

So want to do something today?

Together?

Why not?

Your mom's got the kids.

I got nothing. You got nothing.

I'm supposed to have lunch
with my sister.

Okay, so you got worse than nothing.

Come out to the beach.

You haven't been to the house
in a while.

Oh, I fucking love that house.

Shouldn't have divorced me.

It's not that great a house.

Ooh.

So yeah? Malibu?

Sure, why not?

What?

You're nice when you're nice.

Hey.

Good morning. Coffee?

No, I'm fine. Thank you.

- I'm having some.
- Okay.

What a pretty kitchen.

Hello.

- Wow, two islands.
- Yeah.

I like to think that originally
they were one big island,

but then over time they drifted apart.

Agh!

- Milk and sugar?
- No, I'm fine.

- Don't you take it with...
- I do, yes.

Okay, breathe.

Again.

You feel better?

A little bit.

Last night was nice.

Oh, last nice was amazing.

I know.

And I got to say,

for someone who has
never done it before...

It was a little weird at first.

I mean, there's nothing to hold on to.

Oh, no, it's an adjustment,
no question,

but, I mean, you picked it right up.

Oh, well.

I'm a people pleaser.

I will say.

Oh.

Oh! I'm trying not to giggle.

Okay, you can giggle.

No, I'm okay.

Do it again.

Watch.

Shit.

Do you got to get that?

- No, it's just a reminder.
- About?

Just a thing...
A hike with Beverly.

Oh, of "Sean and Beverly"?

Yeah. I'll cancel.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Go. Hike.

I don't want to hike.
I want to stay with you...

Unless you want me to go.

Oh, no, no, no.
I-I want you to stay,

you know, unless you want to go.

No.

Unless you want to come?

I would love to come.

Unless you think
Beverly wouldn't want...

No, no, she really likes you,

and she doesn't like anybody.

She barely likes me.

Okay, great.

Yay.

I just need to run home and change.

Oh, I got stuff you can wear.

Really? You sure?

Of course. You can borrow anything.

Okay.

I like this lesbian thing.

Hey!

Look who I found.

Oh, my God. Helen, hello.

This is a nice surprise.

I hope it's okay. I don't want to...

Of course it's okay.

Now she can't complain about work.

Ooh, this is new. I like it.

Yeah, me too.

So this is a good sign,

the two of you together
on your first day off.

I gather week one went well.

Would you say it went well?

Oh, I'd say it went very well.

Oh, I do declare.

It is getting mighty toasty up here.

- What?
- She hates my voices.

What's not to hate?

Aw, I think they're fun.

- You do?
- You don't.

I do.

Why, Miss Basch, you flatter me.

Excuse me while I hurl
myself off this cliff.

Oh!

Great.

- What?
- I'm out.

Oh, take mine.

No.

- That's crazy.
- Are you sure?

Totally.

- Finish it.
- No!

- It's fine.
- Really?

Really.

You're both welcome to mine.

- We're good.
- No, that's okay.

Thank you.

Morning.

Ah, somebody's in a good mood.

I was just thinking,

"How great is it to fuck your wife?"

I'm sorry, what?

What?

Oh, no, no, no.

Not your wife.

One's wife.

I see why you'd...
but no, no, no, no.

No, no, I just fucked my wife.

Well, ex-wife.

Thank you for clarifying.

It's just so easy.

I know what she likes.

She knows what I like.

I know what she won't do.

She... Well, there's really
nothing I won't do.

So you and Diane?

Amazing.

I know. Almost a week now.

And the boyfriend?

Not that that would ever be
an impediment to you.

Done. Gone.

Bye-bye, Ollie.

All right, I can't believe
I'm actually gonna go here,

but at one point, you talked

about an issue with her...

Nether.

Oh, the loose-pussy thing?

And already I'm sorry I went there.

Yeah, she had that taken care
of after the divorce.

She had that surgery
where they get in there

and tighten everything up.

Dear God.

Yeah, cost me a bundle.

Although looking back,
money well spent.

Split a bagel?

Hey, anyway.

Look, I know you're gonna
say I'm nuts,

but I'm kind of thinking

I could see us
making it permanent again.

- After a week?
- Why not?

This wouldn't by any chance
have a little something

to do with your current
financial situation?

Well, the savings
would be considerable.

There we go!

Seriously, if I could stop paying
alimony and child support?

Jesus. I wouldn't have
to sell my vineyard.

You should definitely work
that in when you propose.

Look, we never really stopped
loving each other.

And being back with my boys full time?

Come on.

Plus my money guys think
I could get at least $3 million

for the house.

So I read through those notes
from that Tim guy,

and I ran them past legal.

And?

You have a legal problem.

- Thank you.
- Seriously?

He's got a valid claim.

Legally?

Legally, according to legal.

Bloody hell. So what now?

I say let's go pack.

Okay, nobody panic.

Let me talk to him.

If we have to, we'll give
him a little something,

but don't worry.
I'll make this go away.

- Good luck. Let us know.
- God, I hope so.

And so the nightmare continues.

- According to legal.
- Perfect.

Oh, good.

The irony bus is here.

Stupid town.

I fucking hate clowns.

You're her friend. Just ask her.

I can't. It's too weird.

She's getting bigger every day.

I know. I figure eventually
she'll either have a baby

or six Chilean miners
will dig their way out.

It's unbelievable.

- What's unbelievable?
- Oh.

Jesus, it's like she lives in a clock.

I... um...

I was just telling Andy

I found out my cousin
Karen is pregnant.

She's not married.

I don't think she even has a boyfriend,

but nobody cares
because we all love her,

and we're just happy for her.

Know what I'm saying?

Mm-hmm.

My cousin Franny has alopecia.

Without her wig,
she looks like Ben Kingsley.

So we're telling cousin stories.

Hey, have you seen
this list from Merc?

What list?

Possible hosts
for his Dutch game show.

Oh. How is it?

Well, it's clear that he did it himself.

Too old. Too old.

Way too old. Dead?

Mm-hmm. Since, like, Cocoon.

I think we need a new list.

Oh, and when you get a sec,

I've got those budget numbers
in my office.

I can do that now.

Great.

See you guys later.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

- What?
- Mm.

- No.
- Mm-hmm.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

Oh. Mm.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hmm?

You got to go.

No, I don't.

Yeah, you do.

I want you out of here
before the boys get up.

Why?

I don't want to confuse 'em.

Or...

we could make it less confusing.

I have no idea what that means.

What if we did this in,
like, a more permanent way.

Are you still drunk?

Before you say no,

what do you think
of getting married again?

Go home.

Is that so crazy?

Yeah, that's crazy.

Why?

This feels right.

You know it does.

Where are you gonna
find this again, huh?

With stupid Ollie?

At least with me
you know what you're getting.

I'll say.

So then what? Someone new?

You want to start from scratch?

Ugh, so much work.

You have to be nice all the time.

Only at the beginning.

Did you just fart?

No.

- Liar.
- Shut up.

See, who else can you fart in front of?

Yeah, marry that person.

Oh, come on.

Think about the boys. Huh?

How great would it be for them
if we got back together?

And it'd be different now why?

'Cause now I'd know
what I'd be losing.

You're insane.

Maybe.

Just think about it.

Go home.

You got to admit,

this is way better
than my last proposal.

- In that you weren't coming?
- Exactly.

So you actually broached it with her?

I believe I did,

if "broached" means
what I think it does.

And?

She didn't say no.

Well, you didn't think
she would just say yes.

She was engaged to someone else,
like, two minutes ago.

I'd say yes to me.

Of course, but you're in love with you.

Well, I wouldn't kick me out of bed.

And you're really ready to do this?

- Why not?
- Um, it's a commitment?

I know.
I've made commitments before.

- Exactly.
- This is different.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

You're prepared
to be faithful this time?

Totally.

Faithful.

Yes!

No other women ever again

for the rest of your life?

Okay, let's not get crazy.

It's open.

This just came for you.

It says "perishable."

Great. Thanks. Leave it here.

Diane's favorite thing in the world

is these steamed crabs from Baltimore,

so I had a ton of 'em
flown in to surprise her.

I see the belt-tightening
is going well.

I have to tell you,

I couldn't even get a meeting

with a junior agent from your agency,

and now here I am being taken to lunch

by the famous Eileen Jaffee.

It's like a dream.

I know.

So I may be way off base,

and tell me it's none of my business...

Hmm?

The other day on our hike...

Yeah?

I, um...

I thought I sensed...

Mm?

...a certain...

I don't know, maybe I'm crazy...

between you and Helen.

Mm-hmm.

- Really?
- Yep.

- Huh.
- Uh-huh.

But you're not...

Mm?

Since when?

What's today?

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Please tell me this isn't just
because you work for her.

No! No, no.

This is totally different.

I would say so.

She is amazing.

It's everything I always
wanted in a relationship.

Everything?

Well, sure, no dick.

But, hello, those dicks...

They come with dicks.

Well, yours all certainly did.

But with her, we hang out.

We have fun. We... we do stuff.

I've been to her house.

No.

She thinks I'm funny.

- Really?
- Less surprised.

Really?

And, uh, the...

part?

Let's just say...

The lady knows her way
around the vagina.

You'd think I'd stop eating.

And, um...

from a reciprocal standpoint?

Oh, well, obviously I've never
seen one that close before.

Obviously.

I thought it'd be a little weird,

but once you get down there,
it's, like, "Oh, I know you."

Sure.

The best part is when we're...

She's really there, you know?

With those guys, a lot of the time

I felt like a sock
with someone else's foot in it.

Okay, I'm done.

But with Helen it's like we're together.

It just feels right.

It's easy.

It's nice.

My God.

I know.

It's weird, but...

I think I might be happy.

It certainly seems like it.

So maybe it was just about
finding the right boss.

Maybe.

- Hmm.
- Mm!

- Carol and Helen?
- Mm-hmm.

I did not see that coming.

I don't think Carol did either.

So Helen's a...

Apparently so.

But Carol's not officially...

I don't think
she's earned all her badges.

Wendy? Wendy?

Wendy!

Maybe she hasn't learned
that's her name yet.

- Hello?
- Hi.

- Hi, guys.
- Oh, hello.

So I just had a lovely lunch with Tim.

- And?
- I'm glad I did,

because it turns out
he doesn't want money.

- Really?
- That's a surprise.

He just wants to be involved.

Meaning?

He wants to run the show with you.

- What?
- That's insane.

By the way, if he's running
the show, wouldn't he get money?

Yes, but he doesn't just want money.

I should have said it that way.

Well, I hope you said no.

I said I'd talk to you.

I thought you were gonna
make this go away.

- So did I.
- Christ.

Look, he's got us over a barrel.

No, I hear you.

Well, if the alternative's
a hideous lawsuit,

maybe we just suck it up.

I thought the whole idea of this show

is that there wouldn't be
any more sucking,

that we were done with sucking?

Mm.

There may be a little more suck.

Hey, Mirtala.

Is Diane around?

I think she's upstairs.

Great.

Actually...

Hello!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Aah!

What the fuck?

Oh, my God! Get out of here!

- Who's this?
- I'm Ollie.

- You're Ollie?
- I'm Ollie!

What the fuck is he doing here?

What the fuck are you doing here?

- I've got crabs.
- You've got crabs?

No, crabs.

Crabs.

You can't just show up here.

Yeah, that's not gonna be a problem.

- What's that?
- Crabs.

I got you your fucking crabs.

From Baltimore?

Yeah, from Baltimore,
but you know what?

- You don't deserve crabs.
- I don't know what to say.

He... he came over to get
his stuff, we started talking.

Well, someone should tell him
not to talk with his mouth full.

Wow.

You said you were done with him.

I was done with him.

I was done with you too.
Things happen.

You of all people should know that.

Don't make this about me.

All right, all right,
but for what it's worth,

I am done with him.

Well, for what it's worth,
I'm done too.

I'm sorry. It was stupid.

It meant nothing.

Not to us.

If it's any consolation,
these are delicious.

Nope. No consolation.

Well, in that case,
I am really not a fan.

- I still can't believe it.
- It's so shocking.

I keep picturing
the four of you in that shower.

- You're counting the crab?
- I was.

How could she do this to me?

I know.

Look, I know
how you're feeling right now.

No, you don't.

Well, I can imagine.

No, you can't.

Nevertheless,

are you sure it's definitely over?

Are you kidding me?

She said it was a mistake
and just a one-time thing.

And I'm supposed to be okay with that?

No, but other people have managed

to get past things like this.

I don't fucking know how.

Is it worth pointing out
the irony of the number of times

you've done something like this to her?

No. It is not worth
pointing out the irony.

In fact, I will go so far
as to say it is never

worth pointing out the irony...
in life... to anyone... ever.

Noted.

God damn it.

It could have been so good...

The two of us back together,

seeing my boys every day.

And now...

I'm gonna have to sell my vineyard!