Episodes (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 2 - Episode #4.2 - full transcript
Mm?
Hi, honey, it's Beth.
Did I wake you?
- Mm.
- Okay, listen.
I've been getting tons of calls
for a comment.
About what?
The money thing.
The what?
The money thing.
Larry Penzel?
Stealing your money?
Oh, Jesus, right.
Oh, fuck me.
Okay, so I've written
a short statement for you.
I just want to make sure
you're comfortable with it.
"For 17 years, Larry Penzel
was my business manager
and personal friend."
Evil sack of shit.
"I can confirm
that he misappropriated
a substantial amount of money
from me."
Hope they're raping him in hell.
"However, there are other
victims of his fraud
who lost much more than I did."
- Is that true?
- I don't know.
"My sympathies go out to Mr.
Penzel's widow and children."
No, they don't.
"Their loss is much greater
than mine."
- Bullshit.
- Any other thoughts?
I hope he comes back to life,
gets ass cancer, and dies again.
All right,
let me give it another pass.
- Oh, no.
- What?
- "What?"
- They're not the same.
Another checked shirt
couldn't tell them apart.
Eileen.
Hello?
Hi, guys, are you two together?
You have no idea.
So, lots to report.
I set up all our network
meetings for Friday.
I figure we'll do them in a row,
bang, bang, bang,
and then go for lunch
and see where we are.
Sounds like a plan.
Okay, see you Friday!
Everybody wants you.
This is gonna be so fun!
- Bye.
- Thank you.
What?
You really want
to go through this again?
Financially I think
we'd be foolish not to.
It might be different this time.
You don't know.
Darling, why on earth
would it be different?
Let's at least hear
what they have to say.
It doesn't matter what they say.
They'll say whatever
we want to hear.
Look, they can't all be
devious fuckwits.
Yes, they can!
Okay, how about this?
We take the meetings.
And shove them?
If we can find one
that we both agree
won't crush our souls,
then we'll consider
doing the show.
Otherwise,
back in the drawer it goes.
- I'll take those odds.
- Thank you.
- I liked the other shirt better.
- I know.
You're wearing it.
How bad is it?
Well, on one hand,
even with the embezzlement,
you're still a wealthy man.
- And the other hand?
- Take a look at this.
If you maintain
your current rate of spending,
you'll run out of money
by the time you get here.
2019?
Fucking other hand.
The problem is
you have virtually no cash.
Everything's tied up
in non-liquid assets:
Real estate, automobiles,
a dinosaur egg?
Yeah, it's pretty awesome.
It's, like, this big
with spots on it and--
What we need to do
is convert some of that
to income-generating capital.
Meaning what, sell shit?
Right.
What we also need to do
is look at reducing
your expenses.
Obviously there are fixed costs
that are unavoidable.
Insurance, medical,
the mortgage
on your father's condo.
Um, that one's not in stone.
You're prepared to evict
your father?
I'm just saying let's keep it
in our back pocket.
All right.
Uh, child support, alimony--
Actually, that one's going away.
My ex-wife's getting remarried.
Well, that's a sizable savings.
Congratulations.
Do we know
when that's happening?
No, but I can find out.
Taking that off the books
will be a big help, big.
See?
It's not all the other hand.
It's a start.
We also need to talk
about some of your more, uh,
discretionary expenses.
Who is Jose Padilla?
He's the guy
who sweeps my beach.
And if he didn't?
Who's gonna do it?
See, that's the kind of thing
we may need to eliminate.
Wow, that seems pretty drastic.
Well, let's think about it.
All right, um,
there's the vineyard.
No, no.
No, that's income-producing.
I make money on the wine.
Actually, Aaron ran the numbers.
For what you're spending
to operate the vineyard--
new equipment, insurance,
salaries--
it's actually costing you
about $1,100 a bottle.
I-I can't sell
the vineyard.
First of all,
my name is on the label.
Plus I got, like, $15,000 worth
of sweatshirts and T-shirts
and hats with my logo on it.
No, not selling it.
It's off the table.
All right, there's the plane.
- No.
- It's a huge--
No, the plane is off the table.
- But--
- Move on.
I think we should discuss
the possibility
of liquidating
the car collection.
Fuck you.
Okay.
So that's not on the table?
Not even near the table.
But you're prepared to evict
your father?
Not one of those cars
is an asshole.
Let's keep going.
We're showing you spent $126,000
on a single bottle of Brandy
once owned by Al Capone?
A little piece of history.
Can you see yourself
parting with it?
I drank it.
- Ah.
- I was drunk. It was there.
As a business decision,
it's hard to defend.
I don't know.
This did nothing for me.
I agree.
It just doesn't feel like us.
- I liked it.
- Really?
I like the relationships
between the characters.
I like the physical comedy.
It feels fresh.
But do we really want to do
a show with puppets?
Puppets?
Oh.
Uh, Helen Basch is here
to see you?
Helen's here?
Oh, my God, send her in.
"Am I interrupting?" said the woman
who's clearly interrupting.
Please, interrupt away.
So, introductions.
Obviously, Helen Basch.
Andy Button.
Hi, can I have a raise?
Too soon?
And Myra Licht.
Actually, Myra and I
met last year
at the Aspen Comedy Festival.
Okay.
And now look at you.
You're--
What?
Going to be working together.
Yes, can't wait.
So excited.
Mm.
You got quite the crew here.
All righty, how about you guys
give us a few minutes?
So nice meeting you.
Totally kidding about the raise.
Sort of.
I'll see you both soon.
Bye-bye.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
I totally thought she was--
She's never said,
and we're all afraid to ask.
Well, something's going on
in there.
If she's not having one,
she definitely ate one.
So, sit, sit, sit.
We are all so thrilled
you are here.
Aw, thank you.
All right, look, I need
to get this out of the way.
Can we talk about the elephant
in the room?
Oh, sure.
I wish I'd brought peanuts.
Okay, before you say anything,
I am so sorry.
If I could go back in time
and undo it, I would.
There is no excuse.
I was young.
I was naive.
Okay, those are both excuses.
But it was my first real job.
He was powerful and exciting,
and you have no idea
what I'm talking about.
Nope.
How many elephants are in here?
- Morning.
- Morning.
One sec.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here?
Matt LeBlanc is here to see you.
Thanks for the heads up.
The what?
So, to what do we owe
the pleasure
or whatever it is
we're about to experience?
We'd offer you a seat,
but, um--
Yeah, what happened
to your shitty couch?
We know when we came back
from London, it was gone,
so, uh, pull up a box.
What's up?
I kind of need a favor.
- No.
- Maybe let him ask first?
- Thank you.
- Fine.
What?
I need you to talk
to Andrew Lesley.
- Fuck off.
- No way.
Look, he won't let me do
his pilot
'cause he thinks I'm still doing
our piece of crap.
Oh, thank you.
You got to convince him
ours is dead.
He'll listen to you guys.
You got the history.
No, forget it.
There is no way we are speaking
to that smug, duplicitous,
talking scarf.
I was about to say
"When pigs fly out of your ass,"
but I've seen what you eat,
so it's not an impossibility.
Come on!
I'm desperate here.
They want me to sell
my vineyard!
You have a vineyard?
- I never gave you a bottle?
- No.
Well, you are definitely
getting a bottle
and a sweatshirt and a hat.
I'm excited.
If you need money so badly,
why don't you just sell
your plane?
The plane is off the table!
What I need is work.
Look, I realize what I'm asking,
but it's a few minutes
of your time,
and it would mean everything
to me, come on.
- Fine, we'll call him.
- You got to do it in person.
- Fuck off.
- In person? No fucking way.
My agent called him.
My manager called him.
It's not gonna work
over the phone.
It's got to be face-to-face.
- No.
- Fuck off.
If you do this for me,
I will take you to
a Golden Globes gifting suite.
Say more.
Wait, wait.
So you didn't make him break up
with me?
I didn't even know
there was a you.
And you didn't make him fire me?
I probably would have
if I'd known.
Does that help?
So he did all that
just to stop seeing me?
Oh, my God!
Look, I get that you loved him,
and I know this is hard to hear,
but ed was an emotionally
stunted, compulsively lying,
evil sack of shit.
He seemed so nice.
Hey, at least you got out.
I'm still paying him alimony.
Can I ask you something?
Uh, what was your elephant?
Oh, I heard you were looking
for another job,
and I was gonna convince you
to stay.
Ah.
Good afternoon,
Andrew Lesley's office.
Please hold.
- Hello, we're--
- Sean and Beverly Lincoln.
We've been expecting you.
Andrew, they're here.
Oh, my God.
Look at you!
In my office!
My mentors!
Yenz, how much do I talk
about these two?
- All the time.
- All the time.
Well, we talk about you
a fair bit too.
Oh.
Come in, come in, come in,
come in,
come in, come in,
come in, come in.
Sit, sit, sit.
I apologize for the sofa.
It's temporary.
The one I ordered
is taking forever.
Heads will roll.
Oh, look out for the heads.
All right.
Here we go.
- Oh, my God.
- You didn't have to--
Please, we do it every day.
- Are these yours?
- Don't be mad.
You can just buy them.
I know, but you like them.
- You baked these?
- Mm-hmm.
He baked these.
I told him he doesn't have to.
Marmalade?
This is such a treat.
Oh, by the way,
bravo on the show.
We heard you were cancelled.
Now you're not.
More episodes of Pucks!
Yay.
Actually, uh,
that's why we're here.
Whatever they're saying
officially,
our show is definitely over.
No!
I thought they ordered six more.
They did, but it was just a ploy
to keep Matt
from doing your show.
Those buggers.
Guess I'm more important
than I thought.
I guess.
Anyway, the point is,
since our show is dead,
we wanted to put it out there--
Oh, wow.
Awkward!
I haven't even started
hiring writers yet.
What?
You know I think
you're both beyond brilliant.
It's just not quite
the right fit.
No, no--
I'm just going
for something a bit younger.
We're not here looking for work.
Whatever you say.
Actually, we have a show
that three networks
are competing for.
I'm sure you do.
- We're here on Matt's behalf.
- Oh?
He felt it was important
that you know Pucks! is
really finished, so you might
reconsider him for the part.
Oh.
Yeah, that won't happen.
Unless he's legally free
and clear,
the network will never go
for it.
And, uh, just between us,
I think we can do better.
Lemon curd?
It was so lovely to meet you.
- Scones for the road?
- No, thank you.
Yeah, fine.
You're fired.
- I'm what?
- Nothing.
Hey.
How's our guy doing?
Well, he's still standing.
- He's no Beckham.
- Not even Victoria.
- Where's Ollie?
- Work.
So when's the big day?
What do you care?
You're not invited.
Really? I was kind of hoping
to give you away.
Is he running
in the wrong direction?
Uh-huh.
Well, at least
he's getting exercise.
So, uh, you guys set a date yet?
Just asking.
I'm excited for you.
No, no date.
If it happens, it happens.
- What does that mean?
- It means...
- it might not happen.
- What?
Michael!
Honey, stand up!
Someone's gonna trip on you!
What do you mean
it might not happen?
Lately it just isn't feeling
like such a great idea.
That's crazy.
You gotta marry him.
- It's--it's Ollie!
- You never even met him.
I know, but you said
he's such a great guy.
He is, but he's got issues.
What kind of issues?
Like hostility issues.
He can be mean.
Mean.
Who isn't mean?
You're mean, I'm mean.
Come on.
I'm talking mean.
Sometimes there's
a lot of rage there.
Define rage.
What are you doing?
I don't want you to throw away
something good.
Even if he's sometimes abusive?
What kind of abusive?
Well, not physically, but--
Then what are we even
talking about?
You told her to go back
to the man with the rage?
Sometimes rage.
Okay, forget Diane.
Do you really want
your children growing up
in this potentially
unhappy situation
with this abusive man?
The savings are significant.
For which you're prepared
to consign them
to a miserable childhood?
It's childhood.
It's over before you know it.
You should never have been
given sperm.
Look, obviously
you can't put a price
on your children's happiness,
but it turns out you can.
They showed me a spreadsheet.
I'm out.
Oh, guess who we saw today in
all his unrelenting smarminess.
- You saw Andrew Lesley?
- Uh-huh.
- And?
- It's never gonna happen.
What?
As long as you're legally
contracted to our show,
they're never gonna
give you the part.
Ugh.
"Legally."
What does that even mean?
Uh, enforceable by law.
That is hard to argue with.
Oh.
What's this?
I brought you a little
thank-you gift from my vineyard,
even though it turns out there's
nothing to thank you for.
- "LeBlanc de Blanc"?
- Eh?
I'm guessing
it's not a very complex wine.
Why are you even bothering to
meet with those other networks?
Because in all likelihood,
we're not giving our show
to yours.
What?
You have to give it to us.
Because why?
What about this?
Yeah, that hasn't exactly paid
big dividends
on a professional level.
Okay, how is it going to look
to my new boss
if my best friend gives her show
to someone else?
I'm your best friend?
Well, probably.
- Who's your best friend?
- Uh...
I don't have a best friend
because I'm not seven.
You can be very hurtful.
You'll see.
I'll see what?
You're gonna give us that show.
Because you did such a bang-up
job with our last show?
Ha ha.
No, because Helen's amazing.
She's the best executive
I've ever worked with.
You realize how low the bar is?
I do, yes.
I do.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Are they ready?
Guys, come get your stuff.
Daddy's here!
Uh, don't forget
Aiden's got that,
uh, whatchamacallit
this afternoon.
Oh, right.
What are you doing?
- Oh, you want some?
- No.
They're his vitamins.
They're children's vitamins.
Really good.
So, uh, where are we with Ollie?
Seriously?
Again with Ollie?
I'm sorry, I'm invested.
So--
- It's over.
- Ov--wh--
- What do you mean over?
- I don't want to talk about it.
But we decided you were gonna
give it a chance.
I gave it a chance.
Boys!
Okay, is this still
about the abusive thing?
'Cause, no offense,
sometimes your expectations
can be a little unrealistic.
Aiden, Michael, move it!
Your father's starting
to piss me off.
So that's it?
It's just--just over?
Yeah. Over.
Oh, Jesus.
Are those tears in your eyes?
This is very upsetting.
Hi, guys.
So sorry I'm late.
Are you all right?
What happened to your head?
Oh, it's fine.
I just fell off my desk.
If everybody's here,
they're ready.
Great.
After you.
We love this show.
- Oh, that's very kind.
- Oh, thank you.
It's funny.
It's clever.
You can totally tell
that English people wrote it.
Everything you all do
is so smart.
And yet you felt you needed
your own country.
Exactly.
One question we do have though,
the doubling, where all
the actors play two parts...
It's not quite a question yet.
Are you married to that?
Happily.
Yeah, without the doubling,
it's really just a show
about two families.
The doubling's
what makes it distinctive.
Or...gimmicky?
I'm gonna stick
with distinctive,
but I'll go to my grave
remembering gimmicky.
We love this.
It's yummy.
It's delicious.
I want to eat it.
It's that delicious.
- Oh, thank you.
- Bon appetit.
There are some great parts
in here.
I think we can attract
some major talent.
Mm-hmm.
Actually, um,
after our experience on Pucks!,
we're not really keen
on going with big names.
Got it.
Totally hear you.
But say we could get someone
like, I don't know,
Anthony Hopkins
for the father...
Uh, right,
but he would be a big name.
No, of course.
I don't mean him per se.
I'm talking
about an Anthony Hopkins type.
Oh, well, that would be fine.
Like Donald Sutherland.
Again, that's a big name.
Gotcha.
I'm with you.
I--I just mean someone
Donald Sutherland-esque.
- Okay.
- Like Christopher Plummer.
- Again--
- Yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean.
I think we do.
All right, so this is fantastic.
It's sophisticated
and hilarious,
and you've been hearing
that stuff all day long.
But not yet tired of it.
Well, kudos on being brilliant.
Now, what questions do you have
for us?
- Um...
- Uh...
we didn't know it could go
that way.
Refreshing!
Do we have any questions?
Uh, okay.
It's been suggested
that we might want
to eliminate the doubling.
Why? I love the doubling.
The doubling is the key.
Otherwise it's just a show
about two families.
Exactly.
Uh, any thoughts on casting?
I already told these guys
I showed the script
to Susan Sarandon,
who was very hot on it.
I mentioned Goldie Hawn,
although she's no longer
a client,
so I think we can do better.
Look, we'll do whatever
you want,
but are you dead set
on going with big names?
Uh, no.
I feel like,
with a script this strong,
you don't need names.
I mean, if you look
at just about any big comedy
from the last 20 years,
they started out
with really good actors
and made them stars,
not the other way around.
- Interesting.
- Hey.
And if the show's a hit, you'll
end up paying them just as much,
and they'll wind up just
as crazy, so why start there?
This is your star.
- Look at you, all smug.
- Not smug, happy.
All right, 80% happy, 20% smug,
with a little extra smug
in reserve.
Ooh.
Oh, come on, she's fantastic.
There's nothing remotely fuckwit
about her.
So, was I right?
She's great, right?
She's very impressive.
And?
And she clearly gets
what's good about the show.
So?
Well, compared to
the other idiots we met today,
she's obviously
head and shoulders--
Oh, Jesus, just tell me
we're getting the fucking show.
I have grave misgivings,
it's probably a huge mistake,
and I'm sure there'll come a day
when I regret this.
So it's a yes!
Yay!
Hey, Jose.
You know I think
you're fantastic,
and this has got nothing to do
with you.
I mean, this beach is--
But unfortunately
I'm having to make
some tough financial decisions.
I don't know
if you saw the trades,
but there's been
a whole scandal.
My business manager
totally fucked me over, and--
well, you can imagine,
it's been a nightmare.
They want me to sell my plane.
I mean, that's not gonna happen.
You got to draw a line
somewhere.
But sadly I do have to make
some cutbacks.
So I wanted to thank you
for 18 years.
I can't believe it, but today
needs to be our last day.
If you could just grab
that little bit of seaweed shit
over there, I think we're good.
Also, I actually don't know
if that's your rake or my rake,
but by all means--huh?
And again, thank you.
Oh, there's part
of a dead seagull over there.
If you could just grab that,
that'd be great, yeah?
Hi, honey, it's Beth.
Did I wake you?
- Mm.
- Okay, listen.
I've been getting tons of calls
for a comment.
About what?
The money thing.
The what?
The money thing.
Larry Penzel?
Stealing your money?
Oh, Jesus, right.
Oh, fuck me.
Okay, so I've written
a short statement for you.
I just want to make sure
you're comfortable with it.
"For 17 years, Larry Penzel
was my business manager
and personal friend."
Evil sack of shit.
"I can confirm
that he misappropriated
a substantial amount of money
from me."
Hope they're raping him in hell.
"However, there are other
victims of his fraud
who lost much more than I did."
- Is that true?
- I don't know.
"My sympathies go out to Mr.
Penzel's widow and children."
No, they don't.
"Their loss is much greater
than mine."
- Bullshit.
- Any other thoughts?
I hope he comes back to life,
gets ass cancer, and dies again.
All right,
let me give it another pass.
- Oh, no.
- What?
- "What?"
- They're not the same.
Another checked shirt
couldn't tell them apart.
Eileen.
Hello?
Hi, guys, are you two together?
You have no idea.
So, lots to report.
I set up all our network
meetings for Friday.
I figure we'll do them in a row,
bang, bang, bang,
and then go for lunch
and see where we are.
Sounds like a plan.
Okay, see you Friday!
Everybody wants you.
This is gonna be so fun!
- Bye.
- Thank you.
What?
You really want
to go through this again?
Financially I think
we'd be foolish not to.
It might be different this time.
You don't know.
Darling, why on earth
would it be different?
Let's at least hear
what they have to say.
It doesn't matter what they say.
They'll say whatever
we want to hear.
Look, they can't all be
devious fuckwits.
Yes, they can!
Okay, how about this?
We take the meetings.
And shove them?
If we can find one
that we both agree
won't crush our souls,
then we'll consider
doing the show.
Otherwise,
back in the drawer it goes.
- I'll take those odds.
- Thank you.
- I liked the other shirt better.
- I know.
You're wearing it.
How bad is it?
Well, on one hand,
even with the embezzlement,
you're still a wealthy man.
- And the other hand?
- Take a look at this.
If you maintain
your current rate of spending,
you'll run out of money
by the time you get here.
2019?
Fucking other hand.
The problem is
you have virtually no cash.
Everything's tied up
in non-liquid assets:
Real estate, automobiles,
a dinosaur egg?
Yeah, it's pretty awesome.
It's, like, this big
with spots on it and--
What we need to do
is convert some of that
to income-generating capital.
Meaning what, sell shit?
Right.
What we also need to do
is look at reducing
your expenses.
Obviously there are fixed costs
that are unavoidable.
Insurance, medical,
the mortgage
on your father's condo.
Um, that one's not in stone.
You're prepared to evict
your father?
I'm just saying let's keep it
in our back pocket.
All right.
Uh, child support, alimony--
Actually, that one's going away.
My ex-wife's getting remarried.
Well, that's a sizable savings.
Congratulations.
Do we know
when that's happening?
No, but I can find out.
Taking that off the books
will be a big help, big.
See?
It's not all the other hand.
It's a start.
We also need to talk
about some of your more, uh,
discretionary expenses.
Who is Jose Padilla?
He's the guy
who sweeps my beach.
And if he didn't?
Who's gonna do it?
See, that's the kind of thing
we may need to eliminate.
Wow, that seems pretty drastic.
Well, let's think about it.
All right, um,
there's the vineyard.
No, no.
No, that's income-producing.
I make money on the wine.
Actually, Aaron ran the numbers.
For what you're spending
to operate the vineyard--
new equipment, insurance,
salaries--
it's actually costing you
about $1,100 a bottle.
I-I can't sell
the vineyard.
First of all,
my name is on the label.
Plus I got, like, $15,000 worth
of sweatshirts and T-shirts
and hats with my logo on it.
No, not selling it.
It's off the table.
All right, there's the plane.
- No.
- It's a huge--
No, the plane is off the table.
- But--
- Move on.
I think we should discuss
the possibility
of liquidating
the car collection.
Fuck you.
Okay.
So that's not on the table?
Not even near the table.
But you're prepared to evict
your father?
Not one of those cars
is an asshole.
Let's keep going.
We're showing you spent $126,000
on a single bottle of Brandy
once owned by Al Capone?
A little piece of history.
Can you see yourself
parting with it?
I drank it.
- Ah.
- I was drunk. It was there.
As a business decision,
it's hard to defend.
I don't know.
This did nothing for me.
I agree.
It just doesn't feel like us.
- I liked it.
- Really?
I like the relationships
between the characters.
I like the physical comedy.
It feels fresh.
But do we really want to do
a show with puppets?
Puppets?
Oh.
Uh, Helen Basch is here
to see you?
Helen's here?
Oh, my God, send her in.
"Am I interrupting?" said the woman
who's clearly interrupting.
Please, interrupt away.
So, introductions.
Obviously, Helen Basch.
Andy Button.
Hi, can I have a raise?
Too soon?
And Myra Licht.
Actually, Myra and I
met last year
at the Aspen Comedy Festival.
Okay.
And now look at you.
You're--
What?
Going to be working together.
Yes, can't wait.
So excited.
Mm.
You got quite the crew here.
All righty, how about you guys
give us a few minutes?
So nice meeting you.
Totally kidding about the raise.
Sort of.
I'll see you both soon.
Bye-bye.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
I totally thought she was--
She's never said,
and we're all afraid to ask.
Well, something's going on
in there.
If she's not having one,
she definitely ate one.
So, sit, sit, sit.
We are all so thrilled
you are here.
Aw, thank you.
All right, look, I need
to get this out of the way.
Can we talk about the elephant
in the room?
Oh, sure.
I wish I'd brought peanuts.
Okay, before you say anything,
I am so sorry.
If I could go back in time
and undo it, I would.
There is no excuse.
I was young.
I was naive.
Okay, those are both excuses.
But it was my first real job.
He was powerful and exciting,
and you have no idea
what I'm talking about.
Nope.
How many elephants are in here?
- Morning.
- Morning.
One sec.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here?
Matt LeBlanc is here to see you.
Thanks for the heads up.
The what?
So, to what do we owe
the pleasure
or whatever it is
we're about to experience?
We'd offer you a seat,
but, um--
Yeah, what happened
to your shitty couch?
We know when we came back
from London, it was gone,
so, uh, pull up a box.
What's up?
I kind of need a favor.
- No.
- Maybe let him ask first?
- Thank you.
- Fine.
What?
I need you to talk
to Andrew Lesley.
- Fuck off.
- No way.
Look, he won't let me do
his pilot
'cause he thinks I'm still doing
our piece of crap.
Oh, thank you.
You got to convince him
ours is dead.
He'll listen to you guys.
You got the history.
No, forget it.
There is no way we are speaking
to that smug, duplicitous,
talking scarf.
I was about to say
"When pigs fly out of your ass,"
but I've seen what you eat,
so it's not an impossibility.
Come on!
I'm desperate here.
They want me to sell
my vineyard!
You have a vineyard?
- I never gave you a bottle?
- No.
Well, you are definitely
getting a bottle
and a sweatshirt and a hat.
I'm excited.
If you need money so badly,
why don't you just sell
your plane?
The plane is off the table!
What I need is work.
Look, I realize what I'm asking,
but it's a few minutes
of your time,
and it would mean everything
to me, come on.
- Fine, we'll call him.
- You got to do it in person.
- Fuck off.
- In person? No fucking way.
My agent called him.
My manager called him.
It's not gonna work
over the phone.
It's got to be face-to-face.
- No.
- Fuck off.
If you do this for me,
I will take you to
a Golden Globes gifting suite.
Say more.
Wait, wait.
So you didn't make him break up
with me?
I didn't even know
there was a you.
And you didn't make him fire me?
I probably would have
if I'd known.
Does that help?
So he did all that
just to stop seeing me?
Oh, my God!
Look, I get that you loved him,
and I know this is hard to hear,
but ed was an emotionally
stunted, compulsively lying,
evil sack of shit.
He seemed so nice.
Hey, at least you got out.
I'm still paying him alimony.
Can I ask you something?
Uh, what was your elephant?
Oh, I heard you were looking
for another job,
and I was gonna convince you
to stay.
Ah.
Good afternoon,
Andrew Lesley's office.
Please hold.
- Hello, we're--
- Sean and Beverly Lincoln.
We've been expecting you.
Andrew, they're here.
Oh, my God.
Look at you!
In my office!
My mentors!
Yenz, how much do I talk
about these two?
- All the time.
- All the time.
Well, we talk about you
a fair bit too.
Oh.
Come in, come in, come in,
come in,
come in, come in,
come in, come in.
Sit, sit, sit.
I apologize for the sofa.
It's temporary.
The one I ordered
is taking forever.
Heads will roll.
Oh, look out for the heads.
All right.
Here we go.
- Oh, my God.
- You didn't have to--
Please, we do it every day.
- Are these yours?
- Don't be mad.
You can just buy them.
I know, but you like them.
- You baked these?
- Mm-hmm.
He baked these.
I told him he doesn't have to.
Marmalade?
This is such a treat.
Oh, by the way,
bravo on the show.
We heard you were cancelled.
Now you're not.
More episodes of Pucks!
Yay.
Actually, uh,
that's why we're here.
Whatever they're saying
officially,
our show is definitely over.
No!
I thought they ordered six more.
They did, but it was just a ploy
to keep Matt
from doing your show.
Those buggers.
Guess I'm more important
than I thought.
I guess.
Anyway, the point is,
since our show is dead,
we wanted to put it out there--
Oh, wow.
Awkward!
I haven't even started
hiring writers yet.
What?
You know I think
you're both beyond brilliant.
It's just not quite
the right fit.
No, no--
I'm just going
for something a bit younger.
We're not here looking for work.
Whatever you say.
Actually, we have a show
that three networks
are competing for.
I'm sure you do.
- We're here on Matt's behalf.
- Oh?
He felt it was important
that you know Pucks! is
really finished, so you might
reconsider him for the part.
Oh.
Yeah, that won't happen.
Unless he's legally free
and clear,
the network will never go
for it.
And, uh, just between us,
I think we can do better.
Lemon curd?
It was so lovely to meet you.
- Scones for the road?
- No, thank you.
Yeah, fine.
You're fired.
- I'm what?
- Nothing.
Hey.
How's our guy doing?
Well, he's still standing.
- He's no Beckham.
- Not even Victoria.
- Where's Ollie?
- Work.
So when's the big day?
What do you care?
You're not invited.
Really? I was kind of hoping
to give you away.
Is he running
in the wrong direction?
Uh-huh.
Well, at least
he's getting exercise.
So, uh, you guys set a date yet?
Just asking.
I'm excited for you.
No, no date.
If it happens, it happens.
- What does that mean?
- It means...
- it might not happen.
- What?
Michael!
Honey, stand up!
Someone's gonna trip on you!
What do you mean
it might not happen?
Lately it just isn't feeling
like such a great idea.
That's crazy.
You gotta marry him.
- It's--it's Ollie!
- You never even met him.
I know, but you said
he's such a great guy.
He is, but he's got issues.
What kind of issues?
Like hostility issues.
He can be mean.
Mean.
Who isn't mean?
You're mean, I'm mean.
Come on.
I'm talking mean.
Sometimes there's
a lot of rage there.
Define rage.
What are you doing?
I don't want you to throw away
something good.
Even if he's sometimes abusive?
What kind of abusive?
Well, not physically, but--
Then what are we even
talking about?
You told her to go back
to the man with the rage?
Sometimes rage.
Okay, forget Diane.
Do you really want
your children growing up
in this potentially
unhappy situation
with this abusive man?
The savings are significant.
For which you're prepared
to consign them
to a miserable childhood?
It's childhood.
It's over before you know it.
You should never have been
given sperm.
Look, obviously
you can't put a price
on your children's happiness,
but it turns out you can.
They showed me a spreadsheet.
I'm out.
Oh, guess who we saw today in
all his unrelenting smarminess.
- You saw Andrew Lesley?
- Uh-huh.
- And?
- It's never gonna happen.
What?
As long as you're legally
contracted to our show,
they're never gonna
give you the part.
Ugh.
"Legally."
What does that even mean?
Uh, enforceable by law.
That is hard to argue with.
Oh.
What's this?
I brought you a little
thank-you gift from my vineyard,
even though it turns out there's
nothing to thank you for.
- "LeBlanc de Blanc"?
- Eh?
I'm guessing
it's not a very complex wine.
Why are you even bothering to
meet with those other networks?
Because in all likelihood,
we're not giving our show
to yours.
What?
You have to give it to us.
Because why?
What about this?
Yeah, that hasn't exactly paid
big dividends
on a professional level.
Okay, how is it going to look
to my new boss
if my best friend gives her show
to someone else?
I'm your best friend?
Well, probably.
- Who's your best friend?
- Uh...
I don't have a best friend
because I'm not seven.
You can be very hurtful.
You'll see.
I'll see what?
You're gonna give us that show.
Because you did such a bang-up
job with our last show?
Ha ha.
No, because Helen's amazing.
She's the best executive
I've ever worked with.
You realize how low the bar is?
I do, yes.
I do.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Are they ready?
Guys, come get your stuff.
Daddy's here!
Uh, don't forget
Aiden's got that,
uh, whatchamacallit
this afternoon.
Oh, right.
What are you doing?
- Oh, you want some?
- No.
They're his vitamins.
They're children's vitamins.
Really good.
So, uh, where are we with Ollie?
Seriously?
Again with Ollie?
I'm sorry, I'm invested.
So--
- It's over.
- Ov--wh--
- What do you mean over?
- I don't want to talk about it.
But we decided you were gonna
give it a chance.
I gave it a chance.
Boys!
Okay, is this still
about the abusive thing?
'Cause, no offense,
sometimes your expectations
can be a little unrealistic.
Aiden, Michael, move it!
Your father's starting
to piss me off.
So that's it?
It's just--just over?
Yeah. Over.
Oh, Jesus.
Are those tears in your eyes?
This is very upsetting.
Hi, guys.
So sorry I'm late.
Are you all right?
What happened to your head?
Oh, it's fine.
I just fell off my desk.
If everybody's here,
they're ready.
Great.
After you.
We love this show.
- Oh, that's very kind.
- Oh, thank you.
It's funny.
It's clever.
You can totally tell
that English people wrote it.
Everything you all do
is so smart.
And yet you felt you needed
your own country.
Exactly.
One question we do have though,
the doubling, where all
the actors play two parts...
It's not quite a question yet.
Are you married to that?
Happily.
Yeah, without the doubling,
it's really just a show
about two families.
The doubling's
what makes it distinctive.
Or...gimmicky?
I'm gonna stick
with distinctive,
but I'll go to my grave
remembering gimmicky.
We love this.
It's yummy.
It's delicious.
I want to eat it.
It's that delicious.
- Oh, thank you.
- Bon appetit.
There are some great parts
in here.
I think we can attract
some major talent.
Mm-hmm.
Actually, um,
after our experience on Pucks!,
we're not really keen
on going with big names.
Got it.
Totally hear you.
But say we could get someone
like, I don't know,
Anthony Hopkins
for the father...
Uh, right,
but he would be a big name.
No, of course.
I don't mean him per se.
I'm talking
about an Anthony Hopkins type.
Oh, well, that would be fine.
Like Donald Sutherland.
Again, that's a big name.
Gotcha.
I'm with you.
I--I just mean someone
Donald Sutherland-esque.
- Okay.
- Like Christopher Plummer.
- Again--
- Yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean.
I think we do.
All right, so this is fantastic.
It's sophisticated
and hilarious,
and you've been hearing
that stuff all day long.
But not yet tired of it.
Well, kudos on being brilliant.
Now, what questions do you have
for us?
- Um...
- Uh...
we didn't know it could go
that way.
Refreshing!
Do we have any questions?
Uh, okay.
It's been suggested
that we might want
to eliminate the doubling.
Why? I love the doubling.
The doubling is the key.
Otherwise it's just a show
about two families.
Exactly.
Uh, any thoughts on casting?
I already told these guys
I showed the script
to Susan Sarandon,
who was very hot on it.
I mentioned Goldie Hawn,
although she's no longer
a client,
so I think we can do better.
Look, we'll do whatever
you want,
but are you dead set
on going with big names?
Uh, no.
I feel like,
with a script this strong,
you don't need names.
I mean, if you look
at just about any big comedy
from the last 20 years,
they started out
with really good actors
and made them stars,
not the other way around.
- Interesting.
- Hey.
And if the show's a hit, you'll
end up paying them just as much,
and they'll wind up just
as crazy, so why start there?
This is your star.
- Look at you, all smug.
- Not smug, happy.
All right, 80% happy, 20% smug,
with a little extra smug
in reserve.
Ooh.
Oh, come on, she's fantastic.
There's nothing remotely fuckwit
about her.
So, was I right?
She's great, right?
She's very impressive.
And?
And she clearly gets
what's good about the show.
So?
Well, compared to
the other idiots we met today,
she's obviously
head and shoulders--
Oh, Jesus, just tell me
we're getting the fucking show.
I have grave misgivings,
it's probably a huge mistake,
and I'm sure there'll come a day
when I regret this.
So it's a yes!
Yay!
Hey, Jose.
You know I think
you're fantastic,
and this has got nothing to do
with you.
I mean, this beach is--
But unfortunately
I'm having to make
some tough financial decisions.
I don't know
if you saw the trades,
but there's been
a whole scandal.
My business manager
totally fucked me over, and--
well, you can imagine,
it's been a nightmare.
They want me to sell my plane.
I mean, that's not gonna happen.
You got to draw a line
somewhere.
But sadly I do have to make
some cutbacks.
So I wanted to thank you
for 18 years.
I can't believe it, but today
needs to be our last day.
If you could just grab
that little bit of seaweed shit
over there, I think we're good.
Also, I actually don't know
if that's your rake or my rake,
but by all means--huh?
And again, thank you.
Oh, there's part
of a dead seagull over there.
If you could just grab that,
that'd be great, yeah?