Episodes (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 9 - Episode Nine - full transcript

Just got off with NBC.
Guess what.

You don't have to audition.

No shit?

You just have to go in and meet.

And I don't have to read?

And you don't have to read.
All right.

I'm thinking it's time
to stop taking the meds.

It would be a huge mistake
to stop now.

I cannot stress this enough.

Aah!

This script isn't going to you.



It isn't going to Fox.

The only place it's going
is in our suitcase home.

Okay.

You don't pursue it
behind our backs.

It's over.

Oh, my God.

This one found a winner.

I read it last night.

I don't want
to even shoot a pilot.

I want to go straight to series.

How soon can they start?

Hey, kids.

Hello.

This is a nice surprise.



So, this is
where the magic happens.

Happened.

Right.

Apparently, nobody
wanted to see our tricks.

Anyway, while I've got you...

And don't bite my head off...

This better not be going
where I think it's going.

I just want to have
a conversation.

Right.

And what happened
to the conversation

where we agreed we would never,
ever have this conversation?

That was before castor
saw your script.

Oh.
He "saw" it!

I swear!
I didn't show it to him!

That's the octave
you usually lie in.

Honest.

He was snooping around my desk.

He saw it and read it,
and... hello!...

He loved it.

Really?

Loved it.

Of all the things
I've shown him,

it's the only one
he wants to do.

So you did show it to him.
Oh, so what?

I had to!

My job is on the line!

He hates everything.

Your thing?

He doesn't even want
to shoot a pilot.

He wants to go
straight to series.

I like the sound of that.
I don't.

That just means
we get to skip limbo

and go straight to hell.

Okay.
How about this?

What if we just buy
the show from you?

We'll hire someone else
to run it.

You won't even have to be here.

No. No, no.
It's our show.

If anyone's gonna run it,
it'll be us.

Well, you know I'd love that.

Forget it!

We're going home.

To do what?

What are you gonna do
when you get there?

Try to get another show on?

And even if you do,
you'll make, what, six episodes

of something
no one will ever see?

Well, England.

Exactly.

So, are just supposed

to ignore the disaster
of the last 10 months?

We finally got out of this one.

I am not going back
into the burning building.

I don't care.

Let the fucking cat die.

Where are you?

I don't know.

Maybe it could be different
with a different show.

Mm.

I think it's like tossing
those rings at the fun fair.

Each time, you're so sure
you'll get it.

Right.

But, believe me,

you're not gonna walk away
with a stuffed giraffe here.

You just have to walk away.

I want a giraffe.

I know you do.

And in this town,
if you can win a giraffe...

Right, but this town...

It's no good for us.

It nearly did us in.

That is true.

We've worked so hard
to get back to a good place.

And it's a very good place.

We do so much better at home.

I agree.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Is that a giraffe?

It just may be.

I've been trying to get you.

Oh, shoot.
My phone was off.

Why?

I was getting waxed.

If it rings, it startles her,
and then... blgggh!

What's going on?

Castor called a big meeting.

For when?
20 minutes ago.

- What?!
- It was totally last minute.

Everyone's already in there,
even Elliot.

Elliot's here?!
Mm-hmm.

Jesus Christ!

But it's not just us.

All network TV is...

So sorry.

I didn't know.

Keep going.

Where was I?

Uh,
"all network TV is..."

Right.

...dying.

Network TV is dying.

Every year,
our ratings get lower.

Cable is killing us.

The Internet is killing us.

We're canceling shows
at an unprecedented rate.

And what do we do?

We sit around
with our heads up our asses

saying, "I don't smell anything.

Do you?"

We put out a product
that's predictable and stale,

and we wonder
why no one's watching.

So now that you've depressed
the shit out of us,

what would you do?

Okay. We need to look
at the big picture.

We need to make bold moves,
change the paradigm.

What's the hottest thing
right now?

Kardashians.
Zombies!

Close.

Why are we so obsessed
with zombies?

They're scary.

Right! Why?

'Cause they're zombies?

They're scary
'cause they're unpredictable!

Yes!

You never know when
they're going to attack.

That's what I want.

You want to do a zombie show?

You know, there are actually

a couple of really strong
zombie scripts.

No! Christ!
I'm not saying we do zombies.

I'm saying we become zombies.

All righty.

We need to be unexpected,
startling, dangerous!

And how do you propose
we do that?

All right.

Start by throwing away
the "when."

"When's the show on?"
Doesn't matter.

We're living in a world
where your TV

is becoming your computer
is becoming your iPad

is becoming your phone.

When the show's on
is irrelevant.

You don't go,
"when's that YouTube video on?"

It's just on.

So, forget the when.

Forget "nights" and "time slots"
and "lead-ins."

So, how are people
supposed to know when...

Forget the when!

What... what when?

What I mean is,
how will they know what's on?

They won't.

That's the beauty!

We've got to escape
the tyranny of the schedule.

Get rid of all of it!

Jesus.

Didn't see that coming.

From now on,
we program anything at any time.

Comedy, drama, reality...
mix it the fuck up.

Maybe one night,
four hours all about bees!

Bees?
Bees!

The next day,
people will be all,

"Did you see that fucking thing
about the bees?"

The sheer balls of it!

Uh, help me out here.

What are the bees doing?

Are they funny bees?

Are they killer bees?

Do they have a talent?

I don't know. Who gives a shit?
They're bees.

They'll do whatever bees do.

The point is,

people are gonna tune in to find out
what the hell we're doing next.

It's total water cooler.

Oh! And everything's live.

The bees are live?

Maybe!
How fucking great would that be?

People,
we got to throw away the rules.

Like, who says
one show has to end

before another one can start?

How do you... wait.
What now?

Okay, say you're in the middle
of some cooking show.

This woman's cooking and
cooking, and all of a sudden,

the bad guy
from one of our dramas

runs in with a fucking gun
and holds her fucking hostage!

Meanwhile, she has no idea
what the fuck is happening!

The actual woman from
the cooking show doesn't know?

Right! She's like, "aah!
What the fuck is happening?!"

And people are tweeting
and twittering...

"You got to watch this!
Turn it on! Turn it on!"

Then, one of the cops
from the drama

runs in and shoots him...
I mean, actually shoots him.

We're shooting
one of our actors?

So we'll have to pay him more.

You know there are actors
who will do it.

So we shoot him,
then the police run in...

The real police...
and it's news.

Then we cut to our news guy.

That's when
our news show starts.

We make the news,
then we report the news,

and no one's gonna
report it before us

because we're the only ones
who know what's going to happen.

It's TV for a new century.

And that's why they're gonna
watch us and not the other guys.

How about that, my zombies?!

So he was crazy.

Yeah.

Hey, Matt.

Berta Nissick.

Hi.
Nice to meet you.

Actually, we've met before.

I was the junior junior
casting person

on "Married with Children."

Oh, wow.

Oh, you probably don't remember,

but you hit on me
at the wrap party.

Okay.

So, this should be fun.

I'm gonna read with you.

So if there's anything

you want me to do
or don't want me to do...

Wait. What?
What?

Uh I'm not reading.

What?

No, my agent spoke to someone,

and it was absolutely understood
that it's just a meeting.

Ah.

Um...

Well, that's not
the information we got.

Andrew and the execs are in
there, waiting for you to read.

Well, that's not happening.

Okay.

Um, just give me a sec.

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, I'm calling my agent.

Good.
Good, good, good.

Okay.
Good.

Yeah.

Hey, it's Matt LeBlanc.
Is he there?

Can you reach him?

No, no. I need him now.

'Cause I'm at fucking NBC,

about to go
into a fucking meeting,

and they think
I'm fucking reading,

which I am fucking not!

Listen, as soon
as you hear from him,

you have him call me on my cell.

Monsieur LeBlanc,
what a clusterfuck.

We were told
you were going to read.

No. The whole deal was
I'm not gonna read.

But then we heard that you were.

No.

How does this happen?
I don't know.

It's mortifying.
I am mortified.

I agree.

So, what do we do?

I don't know.
They're waiting.

You know,
if it were just up to me,

I would give you the part
in a heartbeat,

but it's the fucking suits.

It's becoming a pissing match.

Okay, look, you know how much
I love this thing.

But, no, I'm not reading.

In all fairness...

And I probably
shouldn't tell you this...

There is another actor
they're very keen on.

Who?

I can't say.

Can I?
No.

No?
No.

He came in yesterday,

and he was fine in a totally
boring way you'd expect

if you knew
who I was talking about.

But if you don't read today,

they're gonna give the part
to him.

Plus, he's a lot cheaper
than you.

A lot.

Please.

I beseech you.

No.

No.

I'm not gonna eat their shit.

Oh, come on!

We all have to eat shit
now and then.

You just have to eat it
until the show's a big hit...

Then they'll have to eat yours.

It's called
"show business."

No. I'm sorry.

Good luck with the project.

So you just walked out?

Hey, at a certain point,

someone has to say no
to these assholes.

It's a very strange day
when you're my hero. Aww.

So, do we know who the other
guy is who's getting the part?

Nah.

They were just using that
to get me to read.

There probably
isn't even another guy.

Really?

Here's what's gonna happen.

Right now,
they're telling each other

they didn't want me
in the first place.

Then they'll offer it to some
big movie guy like Nicolas cage,

who you know isn't gonna do TV,

but he'll jerk them around
for a while,

then come back and say
he won't do TV.

Then they'll go to, like,

some big Broadway star
who nobody's fucking heard of,

and he won't want
to leave New York,

which only makes them
want him more.

So they'll offer
to shoot it in New York,

but then the Broadway guy
will decide

he doesn't want to do TV.

Then they'll just give it
to Dylan mcdermott.

And that's why
I want to go home.

Right. But in the meantime,
you're here.

So... to the three of us
in what was, on the whole,

a fairly shitty experience...

Sorry.

Hold that thought.

You were up
to "shitty experience."

Hello?

Sean, hi. It's Eileen.

Did Carol rance offer you
a series pick-up, no pilot?

Yes.

You've got to tell me
these things.

Kim Sally heard about it.

She's willing to match it
and kick in a big penalty.

What?

It's Eileen.

Fox is willing to offer us

a series pick-up
with a big penalty.

The penalty being
we would have to do it.

Eileen, I'm sorry.

We said no to Carol,
and it's no to Kim.

It's not gonna happen.

Unbelievable.

Hello.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi. I'm out to dinner.
Can I call you back?

No.
No?

Elliot Salad read your script.

He really liked it.

He said it was the one
sane thing castor said.

I can't believe we're even
having this conversation again.

It's Elliot Salad!

How do I say no to Elliot Salad?

I don't care.
With croutons, but say it.

What's happening?

What's...

Elliot Salad read the script,
and now he wants to do it.

She said...
I heard.

Put Bev on.

She wants to talk to you.
Switch.

Seriously?

Bev, hi.

We haven't really gotten to know
each other that well...

Or at all.

Okay, sure.

But can I just say,
as your agent...

Our agent? She's our agent?
Kind of.

What about Stanley?
He's okay with it.

It's like waking up from a coma.

Bev, listen to me.

You've got two networks
competing for you.

It's a big deal.

Not to me.

Put her back on.
Switch.

Jesus Christ.

Just put me on speaker.

You're on speaker.
All right.

What will it take
to get you to stay here?

Name it.
I will make it happen.

You want someone

to bring you tea and crumpets
every afternoon?

I will do it personally.

You... you need more rain?

We got machines for that.

What do you want?

Judi dench?

There are ways to get her here.

What's she offering you?

Judi dench, apparently.

For which part?

I think in general.

All right.
Put me on speaker, too.

Carol, hi.
It's Eileen.

Hi, sweetie.

Kim is prepared to match
whatever you're offering,

and you know Kim.

Yeah, I know Kim.

She was my assistant
for four years.

I don't care what Kim wants.

Elliot wants this to happen,
so it is going to happen.

No, it's not going to happen.

Then hang up.

Just hang up.
Hang the fuck up.

We're hanging up.

Don't hang up.
Don't hang up! Don't hang up.

Bye.
Don't hang up!

Now turn them off.

Enough with the fucking phones.

Starting now,
it's a no-phone dinner, yes?

Agreed.
Done.

Hang on a sec.

What's up?

You sitting down?
Yeah.

They blinked again.

Who blinked?
NBC.

Meaning?

You got the show.

Got to say, I am not
going to miss this place.

Oh, I know.

Of all the rooms
we've ever been in,

this may be my least favorite.

And we've been
in Anne Frank's house.

Look who's here.

It's fish and chips.

Bloody hell.
Fuck me.

Come here, you.

Really? Still?

Come here.

Ah!

Ah, you know, this is so weird.

I was just thinking about you two.
Why?

We got to make
some more TV together.

Why would you say that?

I'll tell you
what your problem is...

You need someone like me
to run interference,

keep the idiots
out of your hair.

This may be
my favorite moment so far.

I'm telling you...
someone's got to protect you

from those assholes
at the network.

Where were you when we met you?

Unfortunately,

we're heading back to London
tomorrow.

Well, what about "Pucks"?

Over.

No! I loved that show.

Did you?

Well, at least that cocksucker
LeBlanc's out of a job.

That's one good thing.

Actually,
sorry to disappoint you,

but he's starring
in a big NBC pilot.

Really?

Mm, some drama.

Supposed to be
their hot new thing.

Oh.

Good for him.

All right, kitchen's done.
What next?

Electric toothbrush
with American plug?

Chuck it.
Consider it chucked.

Oh, God.

The car's here already?

Hi.

I came to say goodbye.

And...

And nothing.

I just wanted to give you a hug
before you go.

I'm sad.

I know.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

I really am.

Susan Sarandon read your script.

What?
What?

Oh, God. I wasn't gonna say it.
It just popped out.

Let go of me.

Don't be mad.

She read it
and really wants to do it.

Susan Sarandon.
I love Susan Sarandon.

And she loves the part.

She's never done a series.

She said this is what
she's been waiting for.

Come on.
Susan Sarandon.

Oh, please!

You know by the time
they're done with us,

it's not going to be
Susan Sarandon.

She's just saying
Susan Sarandon today.

Ooh, look... a carrot.

But once we're in,
it's, "oh, sorry.

"Susan can't do it.
But you know who we can get?

"Someone shitty who's totally
wrong for the part."

You watch...
it'll end up being...

This cup.

- She'll ring us up one day.
- "Hold for Carol."

And she'll be all...

"You guys, guess what...

"The cup wants to do your show.
This is huge.

The cup
turns down everything!"

And we'll be, "uh, the cup?"

And she'll say, "seriously?

"You don't know the cup?

From 'where's my saucer?'
And 'me and the spoon.'"

yeah, and suddenly,
we'll be doing a show

starring a fucking cup,

who you just know

is gonna want to make
lots of very cuppy changes

because it needs
to make it its own.

Did Susan say
what she liked about it?

Oh!

Hey.
Came to say goodbye.

And that's all?

Uh, yeah.

You see?

This is what saying goodbye
looks like.

It's just saying goodbye...

no hidden agendas,
no last-ditch efforts.

Susan Sarandon
wants to do our show!

"Pucks"?

No, that other script.

Ooh.
I worked with her.

She's amazing.

If you could get
Susan Sarandon...

We've got her.

Probably good you're going home.

Shit. That's the car.

What are we forgetting?

Oh, good.

I'm so glad I caught you
before you left.

Hi, guys.

I've got big news.

CBS wants in.

That's three networks.

Well, only one is getting it.

CBS is guaranteeing them
a killer time slot.

You don't have
a killer time slot.

That's worth a lot.

I got them Susan Sarandon.

Susan Sarandon's
not doing television.

Thank you.
Mnh-mnh.

She's got three movies lined up.

What about Goldie Hawn?

Ooh!
She's great.

She's a client.

Stop casting.

Mm.

Kim Sally from Fox.

Hi, honey.

I'm actually with them now.

Not with me.

I've also got Carol rance here.

Kim wants to come over, too.

No!

This is fun.

Don't worry.

I'll call back
if anything changes.

Nothing is going to change.

Aren't you going to get that?

We never use that phone.
It came with the house.

It's never rung
the whole time we've been here.

We don't even know the number.

I'm sorry.
I can not not answer a phone.

Hello.

Hi.
I'm calling from CBS.

I have Les Moonves
for Sean and Beverly.

Uh, Sean and Beverly
are right here.

You're on with Les.

Hi. Is this Sean and Beverly?

Uh, it's Les Moon...

We have a plane to catch.

Are you crazy?

I'll call him back
and say we were disconnected.

You hung up on Les Moonves?
I'm calling Susan Sarandon.

Tell her I said hello.

How can we leave?
Everybody wants us.

Which is why we should leave.

It's the perfect time.
There was a problem with the phone.

I don't know... maybe
the electricity went out. What?

We have spent a year
feeling absolutely powerless.

As soon as we say yes
to one of those fuckers,

we're right back there,

but if we go now, with all
of them fighting over us,

that's as good as it gets
in this town.

This is the giraffe.

Uh-huh.

Hey, your car's here.
What should I tell him?

...call here. Right.

We're leaving.

Oh!

Really?

Should we, uh...

Get Les Moonves back
on the phone because it was...

No, you're not...
I don't want to talk to you.

...it was an accident.
I want to talk to Susan.

Fuck 'em.

Get out of here.

Mr. Salad!

I didn't know you were in town.

So I'm still getting hugs?

Why not?

As I recall, last time we spoke,

you told me
I could go fuck myself

with castor sotto's dick.

Ah, you fired me.
I was a little hurt.

Water under the bridge.

Anyway, uh, be well.

Oh!

I heard about Matt LeBlanc

getting that big pilot
over at NBC.

What?

What?
You didn't know?

Supposedly, they're building
a whole night around it.

Are you kidding?
I got to say...

I was kind of surprised
you'd let that happen.

I mean, not my business anymore,
but how's that look?

He bombs with you guys,

then gets a big hit
across the street?

People get fired for that.

And it's NBC?

Mm-hmm.

Jesus.

Ah! Sorry I even
mentioned it.

Elliot, hi.

Have we officially canceled
"Pucks"?

Uh, no.

You sure?

The paperwork's still here
on my desk.

Pick it up for six more.

Wait.

You want to pick up "Pucks"?

Today.

But... you hate "Pucks."

I hate NBC more.

Monsieur LeBlanc!

Hey!

How exciting.
Our little adventure begins.

I know.

Very cool.

You are going to be
so wonderful in this.

I can already smell your Emmy.

No, that was me.

Ugh.
Hang on a second... agent.

Hey, uh, can't talk right now.

Yeah, I'm already here.

Are you fucking kidding me?

They can't do that.
We were canceled.

What does "not officially" mean?

That's bullshit.

Okay, so what does that mean
about this?

I don't care. I'm doing it.
They can't stop me.

Oh.

How wonderful is this?

It's wet!

Remember wet?

Mm, and slippery, too.

I've missed
every precarious inch of it.

Hard to believe that, yesterday,

we were sitting in traffic
on the 405.

Mm.

Oh, it's like waking up
from some fever dream.

We're awake, and we're here.

And I love you.

Love you, too.

Mm.

It's an L.A. number.

Don't answer it.

Oh, dear God, don't answer it.