Episodes (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 5 - Episode Five - full transcript

If we're having
a problem fornicationally,

then we should discuss it.

We've got to get over this.

Yes, well, it's a lot easier
for you to get over it.

I've got to get... up

and over it,
if you know what I mean.

I hate my dick.

Why aren't you doing my pilot?

You'd be so right for it.

Maybe just give it a read.

No, that's okay.



What are you reading?

That asshole's script.

It's fucking brilliant.

Oh, the bloody nerve.

Trying to poach you from us?

And that you would
even consider...

Little shit weasel.

How are the new meds
working out?

Everything makes me hard.

This morning
when I was getting gas,

I got a boner putting the nozzle
into the tank.

I never cry at work.

Well, I'd hug you,

but obviously,
I'm all sweaty and...



I don't mind.

Are you sure
that's what it was?

I am telling you,
he's hugging me,

and I'm thinking,
"ooh, his arms are so hard."

Then, all of a sudden,
it's like, "fuck his arms.

What the hell is that?"

Unbelievable.

I know!
No.

My "unbelievable" is not
a good "unbelievable."

Oh, come on.

Just knowing he's feeling
what I'm feeling,

and believe me,
I felt what he's feeling.

Has history taught you nothing?

You have been down
this road before.

But with Merc.

If I knew I could only go down
the road one time,

that's not who I would've
gone down it with!

Look, you asked my opinion...
Did I?

All right,
I offered you my opinion.

And I hear what you're saying,

but then I look at castor,

and he's so brilliant
and sexy and powerful!

He's your boss.

I know!
He's the whole package!

So, the side effects
haven't lessened at all? No.

Yesterday, I had to give
this stupid woman

who works for me a hug,

and she was almost impaled
on it!

All right. We'll start
cutting back on your dosage.

Cutting back? No.

Can't we just stop?

Not with this medication.

We have to wean you off slowly.

Just so you know,
when you said "wean,"

I got a little hard.

You realize we're halfway up
this mountain,

all we've talked about
is your boss' erection.

Okay, fine.

Any erections
you want to talk about?

Nope.
Really?

No.

You and Sean still no...
No.

Have you thought
about seeing someone,

like a couple's counselor
or something?

I could ask my shrink
to recommend someone.

Wait a minute.

You have a shrink?

Uh-huh.
He's really good.

Really?

Hello?

In here!

That is the best "hello" ever.

Don't move.
I'm coming in for a kiss.

Mm.

Almost done.

No rush.

Uh, what happened
to all the paintings?

What do you mean?

The paintings that were hanging
on the walls?

They're not.
Are you kidding?

You didn't know?

No. I didn't know.
Which ones?

Uh, the one over the fireplace.

The diebenkorn's gone?

Assuming
that's a painting, yeah.

And the one by the door,

and the creepy baby face
is gone.

Oh, my God!

Hang on.

Yep, everything in here, too.

I don't believe this.
Is anything else missing?

I don't know. Uh...

Looks like just the paintings.

Who else besides me
has your gate code?

Maria, my assistant, missy.

Ohh, Jesus.

What?

Ohh.

Oh, that motherfucker.

He still has your code?

Even he wouldn't do this.

Merc?

He'd totally do this.

Think of all the shit he did to you
when you weren't divorcing him.

I'm calling him.
No, don't call him.

Oh, I'm calling him.

Please, just let my lawyers
handle it.

No, someone's got to tell him
what a giant asshole he is.

Believe me, I've told him.

Please, stay out of it.

For me.

Did you put your phone away?

Yes.

Did you?

Yes.

Thank you.

What's the deal with this
network press thing tonight?

Oh, I forgot.
That's tonight?

Yeah, it's this stupid cocktail
party for the TV critics.

The networks do it every year.

Seriously?

The people who wrote all
the nasty things about us,

we have to have canapés
with them?

Yeah, it's not as much fun
as it sounds.

And there's no
getting out of it?

Not unless you're on
a hit show.

So there's no
getting out of it.

There you are.
Ready?

For what?

Oh, shit.
That's now?

What's now?

Nothing.
It's a... private thing.

What kind of private thing?

Well, it's a thing,

and it's private.

You're really not
gonna tell me?

No.

No. See you tonight.

What do you think it is?

Who gives a shit?

So, have, uh,
either of you ever been

to a sex therapist before?

W-we were
under the impression

that you were
a couple's counselor.

Specializing in sex therapy.

Bloody hell.

We were not aware.

Thanks, Carol.

Oh, so this isn't
a sexual issue

that you're here to deal with?

Well, it is.

It is.

All right,
then why don't you tell me

a little bit about
what's going on?

Okay.

We have recently
been through a, um...

A bit of a rough patch
in our marriage,

which we have both worked
very hard to get past.

Unfortunately...

It has left us with certain...

Uh, ramifications.

Sexual?

Sexual. Yes.

Sexual.

Sexual.

Say it another 10 times.

I'm sorry,
it is sexual. Nine more.

Sean, let me
ask you a question.

Are you able to achieve
an erection?

I'd really rather not say.

If you want me to help you...

That is why we're here.

Fine.

So, are you?

Am I what?

Are you able
to achieve an erection?

Mm-hmm.

Do you find it difficult
to maintain your erection

to complete intercourse?

I'd rather not say.

Yes.

Do you masturbate?

Her or me?
You.

I'd rather not say.

Beverly, I'd like
to try an exercise.

All right.

If your vagina could speak
to Sean right now,

what would it say to him?

If my vagina could speak,

we'd be having an entirely
different set of problems.

I sense your discomfort.

But, please.

Okay.

Uh...

I suppose, if it could speak...

...it would want him
to know...

No. No. No.
As your vagina to Sean.

Hi, Sean.

Have you two thought about
alternatives to intercourse?

Perhaps you could
pleasure each other orally

or engage in anal play.

Mm, absolutely.
Mm-hmm.

Take me home.
I want to go home.

Though others have been in me,

you are the one I want.

Sean, as you find yourself
losing your erection...

Oh, good, we're back on that.

...do you think
that there's anything

that Beverly
could do differently?

No.

No? Maybe something
that she used to do,

or for some fantasy?
No.

Maybe something
that this other woman did.

Oh, God, no.

Look...
It's not about sex.

Well...
It's not.

I hate to disappoint you.

I realize that's your thing,

and I'm sorry if this
leaves you out of the mix,

but what happened to us
had nothing to do with...

Copulation.

And I'm speaking
for my cock here, as well.

Well, so then,
what is it about?

Trust.

Trust?

Right.

It's not about sex.
It's not even about love.

Love's the easy bit.

It turns out,
finding trust with someone,

feeling safe,

that's...

And when I finally found it,
I thought,

"well, there you go.
That's it."

But...

When the trust goes away,

when you can't
feel it anymore...

...I don't know how
you get it back.

Sometimes I think...

What?

Sometimes I think

maybe we've somehow...

Broken something fundamental...

That can't be fixed.

Are you crazy?

You had to tell her
about the fucking paintings.

She was fine until
you opened your big mouth.

Three weeks, she didn't even
know that they were gone!

Now all of a sudden,
it's, "oh, I need my paintings.

I can't feel the presence
of my art."

God, you're a dick.

Then suck me.

Just stay out of
my goddamn business!

Or what?
You'll cancel my show?

Oh, wait, you can't,
because they canceled you.

You know what?
I'm glad I didn't cancel you.

I like knowing you're stuck
in that piece of shit.

It feels good.

Oh, yeah?
You know what really feels good?

Putting my penis
inside your wife's vagina.

Oh. Look who went
to medical school.

You know what?
You can have her.

I already got her.
Well, keep her!

By the way,
is the whole blind thing

getting a little tired yet?

Wait till you watch her
eat soup.

All right, that's it.

Get the hell
out of my driveway,

and you better put those
fucking paintings back.

Or what?

You don't scare me.

Huh?
I'm serious.

You do not want
to mess with this.

I swear to God!

You are so lucky
that I have dinner plans.

We're all really excited about
the show moving to Saturday.

Talk a little more about that.

Well, there's so little original
programing on Saturdays.

It gives us a chance to reach
a whole new audience.

So, basically,
you're hoping to do well

only because
there's nothing else on.

Yeah.

Hmm.

I never saw it, but when
you did the show in England,

it was a big hit, right?
Uh-huh.

Is there something
we're not getting?

You're not getting the show
we did in England!

Excuse me.

Can I just steal these two
for a sec?

Sure.

You're welcome.

My God, does anyone
like our show?

Probably.

Ooh.

There he is.

There who is?

Castor.

What do you think?

I think he's the Cliff,
and you're Thelma and Louise.

Yeah.
I'd drive off that.

Okay, so when you're finished
talking business,

I'll be over at the bar.

Look at him.

He's under so much pressure.

This is, like,
his first official thing.

It's got to be so hard.

Anyway...

Oh, by the way...
At some point,

we need to have a little chat

about our visit
to the "counselor" today.

Oh, right.
How'd it go?

Not now.
No, tell me.

You might have mentioned
she's a sex therapist.

Didn't I?
No.

No?
No!

She talked about anal play.

Maybe let's do this later.

Let's.

I have Matt LeBlanc coming in.

So, morning and the boys
are here already,

and Stoke's not coming.
You know that, right?

How the hell
did he get out of it?

He's shooting
some V05 commercial.

Fucking hair.

The important thing
is that you're here.

Everybody's very excited
to talk to you.

Great.
I'm very excited about vodka.

Can you get me a vodka?

I can.
Anything you need, I'm here.

Uh, vodka.

Absolutely.

First, let's just go through
a few quick talking points.

Yeah. Yeah.

You're really psyched about
"pucks'" big move to Saturday.

It's a great opportunity
for the show,

feels like a fresh start,

and it's a chance to attract
a whole new audience.

Anything else?

Vodka?

There you go.

I got to ask, what made you
come back in this?

Uh, a new bank
opened down the street,

and I wanted to fill it up.

No, seriously,

after being on a hit,
this has got to be rough, no?

Nah.
I'm having a blast.

Very excited about the show
moving to Saturday.

Saturday.

Even though
you're barely on it now?

That's not true.

How come all of a sudden,

no one wants to talk about
my hair turning gray?

No offense, it's not really
your show anymore.

What, are you trying
to cause trouble here?

It's still my show.

Is it?

I swear,
they never showed it to us.

Look at that!

I'm smaller
than the fucking puck!

Hey, can I have
a daiquiri, please?

Hey, Matt.

Bruno Aiken, Houston Sentinel.

How you doing?

Hey.

Hey.

You're the guy
who called me fat.

Uh, I don't... I don't...

In your review.
You called me fat.

Are you fucking kidding me?
You're 10 times fatter than me.

Well...

You know, you can't tell
from that tiny picture

in your stupid column and with
the beard and everything,

but that's all face
under there.

Wow!

So, you know we're moving
to Saturday?

How much longer do you think
we have to stay?

I don't know.

Shit.

What?
Over there.

Oh. Please, God,
don't let him see us.

I swear,
I cannot face him tonight.

If I hear one more,
"Bev, guess what?

I farted,
and an Oscar came out."

All right,
if he moves towards us,

let's just pretend...
Fuck, he saw us.

Oh, God,
please don't come over.

Please don't come over.
Is he coming over?

No.

Well, that's odd.

Sure it's him?
Of course it's him.

Look at the poncy scarf.

Maybe he didn't see us.

Oh, he saw us.

Look, he just saw us again.

And nothing!

Didn't even wave!

He's blowing us off.

That little shit!

Give me a vodka,
and then another vodka.

What are you guys staring at?

That dick whistle
Andrew Lesley.

Andrew Lesley's here?

Andrew. Hey!

Monsieur LeBlanc!

What are you doing here?

Oh, I-I just shot a pilot
with a network.

Plus the one for nbc?

I know.

I worry there won't be enough
of me to go around.

Listen, I didn't get a chance
to tell you.

I loved your script.

You did not.

Oh, my God, are you kidding?

Well, everyone says it,
but still.

So, uh, where are you
with casting?

In hell, thanks to you.

Y-You positively ruined me.

Now I can only hear your voice
in my head.

Well, keep hearing it,

'cause they're trying "pucks"
on a new night,

and if it doesn't work...

Now you're just being a tease.
Ah.

Hey, stop teasing me.

Look at them.

What an asshole.

Which one?

Take your pick.

Look, it's no secret
we're in last place.

Good news is,
we have nowhere to go but up.

And yes, I'm aware
that's not very good news.

It's got to feel like your
schedule's in free fall, though.

I think all network TV's
in free fall.

We're just the first ones
pushed out of the plane.

Does it worry you that you've
never run a network before?

What?

Okay, look, what can I say?

The last guy who had this job
ran the network for years.

Unfortunately, he ran
the network into the ground.

So, you're saying this is
all Merc Lapidus' mess?

I'm sorry, what?

Merc's mess?

Uh, no.

Uh, look, I could easily
pin it all on him,

but it's a totally different
landscape today.

We're not... just competing
against each other.

There are...

There are all these...

...new platforms.

Excuse me.

Hey, there.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.
Go back to the party.

Look, I get it.

It's hard.

You...

You can tell?

Of course I can tell.

Oh, Jesus.

You think...
Everyone can tell?

No!
No, you're doing great.

But I totally get
what you're going through.

You do?

Totally.

Now, listen to me.

You are not alone in this,

no matter how hard it gets,

and believe me,
it can always get harder.

I don't think that's possible.

I'm here for you.

Whatever you need.

Really?

Well, don't you look pretty.

I didn't realize
the dress code this morning

was cocktail disheveled.

I tried calling, but there's
no reception up here.

I can't do this today.

Is it the heels?

I never got home last night.

I couldn't help but notice

the hiking outfit
did look familiar.

Don't be mad.

Castor?

Oh, my God.

You slept with him.

I swear,

there was no sleeping.

It was insane!

He went literally...
Literally all night.

I've never seen
anything like it.

Merc on a good day, plus Viagra,
maybe 10 minutes.

This was superhuman.

Calendar pages were flying off.

Flowers were coming up
and opening, and dying.

I guess, hmm, no offense,

but I definitely hate you.

What?
Oh, God. Sorry.

No, no.
Don't feel bad.

It's not at all
like telling Gandhi

about how you ate a whole ham.

I...

If it helps, I'm really sore!

Doesn't help!

Hello, there.

Hey.

Just thought you'd be happy to
know the paintings are back.

Really?

Up on the walls and everything.

That's great.

Thank you for, uh,
staying out of it.

I know that wasn't easy.

Ah...

I'm just happy
it all worked out.

So, am I seeing you later?

Definitely.
Maybe go to the beach?

Oh, sounds great.
I am dying for a swim.

Maybe after,
we could go out somewhere.

How about nobu?

Nobu?
I love nobu.

What are you doing?

I don't know.
Just looking.

Would you like a chair?

No.

Want to do something?

Sure.

What?

Anything.
I don't care.

Like a movie or something?

Mm...
So, not anything.

Not really in a movie mood.

We could just stay at home
and pleasure each other orally.

Oh, my God!

That was the worst hour
of my life.

So then, uh, not up
for a little, uh, anal play?

Saw an anal play once.

Was it shitty?
It was.

That's why we get
the big bucks!

Will you ever recover
from that?

Never.
Permanently traumatized.

By the way, why does
your vagina sound like Yoda?

I didn't know what to do.

"Penetrate me, you could.

Lubricated, I am."
Shut up.

"Sometimes, like popcorn,
I smell."

Stop it!

We're not broken.

You don't think?

Maybe a little cracked.

Wow.

Did not see that coming.

No!

What was different this time?

I have no idea.

We have to remember
everything we did.

Oh, I'll remember.

Should we do it again
just to make sure?

Really?

Mm-hmm.

That doctor was a genius.

Oh, shit.
What time is it?

Seriously?

We missed our show.

What show?

"What show?"

Oh!

Right, it's Saturday!

Oh, well.

Oh, yeah.

Unbelievable.

We lost to something called
"Storage Wars: Texas"?

Which was a repeat, by the way.

We also lost to "Wicked Tuna,"

"Jerseylicious,"

"Swamp People."

Oh, shit.
I missed "Swamp People."

This is not good, you guys.

All right, but this is
just the first week.

They've got to give the audience
a chance to find us.

I mean, they've got to, right?