Episodes (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 4 - Episode Four - full transcript

Monday, 8:00.

"Pucks." Bye-bye!

[Sighs] I like "Pucks."

No. I'm sorry.

I say we give it one more chance.

I got to get off the show. I'm sorry.

I can't quit. But if you kill me...

- We can't kill you.
- Sure, you can. You created me.

Don't you think if we could kill you,

we'd have done it by now?

What did you say?



What did you say?

Maybe we should try adjusting
your medication again.

Maybe.

[Typewriter clicking, bell chimes]

[Wind whistling]

[Mid-tempo music plays]

[Gunshot]

[Rumbling, siren wails]

What's going on?

More news from Peru.

[Crashing, rumbling]

Oh, God.

- So awful.
- I know.

Unbelievable.



You keep thinking...
there's people under there.

Makes me want to cry.

[Crashing, rumbling]

Is that the new iPad?

Yeah.

Like it?

Well... it's not that different.

I hate my phone.

Beverly: You ready?

[Clears throat]

Uh, may we, uh, have
everyone's attention, please?

Hello! If, uh, everyone
could, um, gather 'round.

[Clears throat]

We actually have a piece of good news.

The network has decided,
in its infinite wisdom,

to move our little show
to a different night

so we will no longer be opposite
the much-reviled talking dog!

[Cheering]

Do we know what night yet?

Saturdays at 8:00.

[Murmuring]

Hey, this is still good.

Okay. Fine. Saturday is shitty.

But at least they're giving us a chance.

Don't be dicks.

Well, thank you, morning.

Words to live by.

Don't be dicks.

So... that's our good news.

Yay.

That'll totally work.

May we see you for a moment?

Yeah. Sure.

What's up?

Uh, apparently, the network
booked you on Jay leno

to promote the new night.

- Yeah.
- And they're saying you're refusing.

Right.

Um... why?

Seriously?

Last week I asked you
to kill me off the show.

- What did you say?
- No.

And now you're asking
me to promote the show.

- Yes.
- Uh, no.

Look, I don't know if I mentioned it,

but I just want this thing to fucking die.

Perhaps you can tell Jay

you want it to die Saturday nights at 8:00.

Cute.

Listen, I'm hardly in it.

Now they're moving us to
the worst night of the week?

Why should I do anything to
make this shit last longer?

Why do you have to be such a selfish prick?

Look around.

There are 150 people here
whose jobs hang in the balance.

For once in your life,
it's not just about you.

Think about the other people.

That seems unfair, but all right.

I can't stop thinking
about that whole Peru thing,

all those people.

Horrible.

I don't know if I could
survive something like that.

I really don't. It's my worst nightmare.

You want to talk worst nightmares?

Guess who's coming in to pitch tomorrow.

Who?

Merc Lapidus.

No. Pitch what?

Shows.

Merc Lapidus is pitching shows to you?

That's insane.

That's like Henry VIII
pitching to Anne Boleyn's head.

See, stuff like that

is probably why you don't
have a lot of friends.

And why do you have to do this?

[Groans]

We've got a first-look deal with him.

It was part of his exit package.

Sounds awful. Just the
two of you in a room.

Oh, God, no.

Andy and Myra will be there, plus Castor.

Even so, I am dreading
it, just seeing Merc again.

It's like the thing that wouldn't die.

[Sighs]

You know the scariest part?

What if I see him and all these
feelings come rushing back?

Let me just say this...

If you get back together with Merc Lapidus,

I will lose every shred
of respect I have for you.

You have respect for me?

Eee!

Hey. You know this thing tomorrow night?

You guys want to go together?

Uh, first of all, no. And what thing?

The telethon for the Peru thing.

- There's a telethon?
- Yeah.

George Clooney's doing it,
Matt Damon, Taylor Swift, Jay-Z.

And you?

Uh-huh.

Fuck me.

My publicist is trying to get
me next to Jennifer Garner.

Got to get me some camera time, right?

Figure Ben Affleck comes
over, I'm in the shot.

The whole thing's pretty cool.

Not for the 20,000 people that were killed.

Where?

Peru?

Oh.

Yeah. Right. Totally.

So, you guys, uh, done one of these before?

Uh, yeah. I did 9/11 and Katrina.

Nice. I did the Exxon
Valdez and Three Mile Island.

Huh.

Anyway. So this is my first one.

It's kind of a big deal.

So here's my question... sport
jacket or no sport jacket?

Just like an open shirt? What do you think?

Like, tie? No tie?

Uh, I don't fucking care.

Okay. So no jacket.

And I figure they can't see my pants,

so that doesn't matter, right?

I'd still wear them.

Exactly.

Also, I don't have to give money, do I?

What?

Did you do the one for the Hindenburg, too?

Dick.

So, how are the new meds working out?

Better, I think. Yeah.
I'm not hearing so many...

- Voices?
- Yeah. Not as much.

And the rage?

Pretty good. Pretty good.

Well, that's encouraging. Side effects?

Dry mouth, constipation, discolored urine?

Everything makes me hard.

Talk about that.

Everything.

This morning, when I was getting gas,

I got a boner putting
the nozzle into the tank.

Huh.

- Does masturbating help?
- Eventually.

But it takes fucking forever.

I'm getting calluses on my fingers.

I might as well take up the guitar.

Huh.

Look, I understand this is difficult,

but I would like to
ask you to hang in there

- just a little bit longer.
- You're kidding, right?

- I can't roll over at night!
- I hear you.

But other than that, the
meds seem to be working.

Hopefully, with time,
this particular side effect

will, uh... abate.

Man: Cut. That's a wrap.

Well, good luck tonight on leno.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks. You guys want to come?

Jamie's gonna be there.
We could all go out after.

Sorry. We have to work.

What work? We're wrapped.

[Laughs] Maybe you're wrapped.

We've still got hours yet.

Doing what?

The writing.

Is it stuff for me?

No, but other people have to say words.

Are the words about me?

- No.
- Then fuck it.

Let the other writers cover for once.

Come on. They can do it.

Do you even know the other writers?

Yeah, I know the other writers.

I ran into one at a club this weekend.

Who?

I want to say... Alex?

We don't have an Alex.

The kind of twitchy Jewish one.

- That's all of them.
- Whatever.

Come with me. You want to meet Jay?

Not especially.

Might be fun.

We have so much to do.

- You can have my gift bag.
- Do I have time to change?

There you go.

[Sighs]

I just want to get this over with.

I know.

It's like waiting for Santa...

if Santa was a bullshitting,
two-faced asshole

who fired me once.

Merc Lapidus is here.

Ho, ho, ho.

Okay. Bring him in.

And please tell Castor so he can join us.

- Got it.
- [Exhales deeply]

You okay?

Absolutely.

I'm fine.

Woman on TV: Rescuers worked
feverishly through the night

searching for any signs
from inside the tunnel,

and then suddenly...

About 45 minutes ago, a miracle...

a faint tapping sound
from deep under the rubble.

Using the latest audio equipment,

rescuers established contact with a woman.

According to sources, she is trapped

in a space not much bigger than a coffin.

One can't help but imagine
what it must be like for her,

buried in this dark, dank hole

deep in the ground

not knowing if she will
ever see daylight again.

We're told she's barely able to move,

her body pinned beneath the debris.

A prisoner encased in
stone and twisted steel.

Rescuers are hoping to snake a tube

through the wreckage

to bring this woman much-needed hydration.

Presumably, she's gone
over 36 hours without water.

[Intercom beeps]

Woman: They're ready for you
for the Merc Lapidus meeting.

I'll come as soon as I can.

Woman on TV: And, of course, very...

There they are.

[Laughs] You see?

You don't get rid of me that easy.

[Laughter] Come here.

That's o... okay.

There's my queen of comedy.

[Grunts]

Mr. Button! Come here.

Why don't we all sit down?

No. That's me.

Whoops.

[Laughs]

[Exhales deeply] So, how is everybody?

Miss me yet?

We might if you didn't come back.

[Laughter]

Castor is stuck on a call.
He'll join as soon as he can.

Oh, that's fine.

It will give us all a chance to catch up.

Great. [Laughs, sighs]

Look at this.

Other than a "Tonight Show"
mug, which I'll never use...

Men's cologne...

a tie.

[Sighs]

"Tonight Show" cuff links.
This is all crap for men.

It was meant for me.

Tell them you want a girl's bag.

Yeah. I'm not doing that.

If you don't want it, I'll take it.

I didn't say I didn't want it.

Hey, you made it.

Thank you.

Sorry I'm late.

I was working the phones,
raising money for Peru.

Now they're saying it's the
third-worst natural disaster

in the history of Latin America.

A comb. [Scoffs]

Who still uses a comb? This is bullshit!

[Knock on door]

- Hey, Matt.
- Hey.

- So, Jay is fine with the mosquito story.
- Great.

There may not be time for
the thing about your kids.

Ah. What if I don't talk about "Pucks"?

Hopefully we'll have time for all of it.

Okay.

Uh, by the way,

um, I'm fine staying on the
couch for Zac Efron's segment.

Um, actually, Zac's up first,
and then he has to take off,

so we're good.

Uh, wait a minute. I'm second?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, no.

Yeah.

No. That's wrong. I'm always first.

I'm... I'm never second.

Uh... not sure what to tell you.

Well, there's got to be a mistake.

It's not.

Does Jay know about this?

And did you see the
pictures of that church? Oh!

I'm telling you, my heart
breaks for those people.

Those poor, poor people.

Peru.

Never been there.

Not going now.

[Groans softly]

I don't know what's keeping Castor.

Why don't we start without him?

No! It's okay! I can wait for the big guy.

Okay. [Laughs]

Peter, please find out how much
longer Castor is going to be.

[Chuckles]

Woman on TV: Although rescuers
can still hear her moans,

they are definitely getting weaker.

For now, all that any of us can do is pray.

Oh, please, God.

[Intercom beeps]

Woman: They're asking again
about the Merc Lapidus meeting.

I'm not coming!

Woman on TV: And dig this former...

Ah. Thanks.

Ah.

Apparently, Castor just got called away

to an emergency meeting out of the office,

so it looks like he's not going
to be joining us after all.

[Chuckles] Ah. Screw him.

Everyone knows you've
always run this place anyway.

[Laughter]

So, what have you got?

All right.

The first one is a one-hour

with a bit of a fantasy/horror slant.

Ooh! Okay.

In a word... gargoyles!

[Chuckles]

Um, I don't know if you remember,

but right before you left, we
actually explored this arena.

We did?

But I'm eager to hear your take on it.

Well, it's... that's pretty much it so far.

I mean, come on. Gargoyles.

[Laughs] Right.

Um, I think it needs a
little more development.

Character, story, themes, a premise.

Fair enough. I... I hear you.

Also, you should just know...

A concern that I always had
with... gargoyles as a concept,

in terms of the jeopardy,

it seems like if you just
avoid gothic buildings.

Huh.

But maybe there is a reason
why the characters have to be

near gothic buildings,

like, um, it's set at a
university or something.

Well, there you go!

Bing! We solved it.

Okay. Well, let's stick a pin in that.

What else have you got?

All right. This one's a comedy.

Up your alley.

Mm.

Second? I'm on second?!

Why would they do that to you?

[Sighs] It's got to be Jay.

It's 'cause I took that
fucking lamborghini.

It's a limited edition.

There was only one left in the country.

My car guy told me Jay really
wanted it, but I took it anyway.

This is him getting back at me.

Would he really do that?

Over a car? Uh, yeah.

Fucking Leno can be a total...

A total what?

Uh, mensch. A total mensch.

Mensch? So "mensch" means "prick" now?

I never knew that.

[Both laugh]

Hey, uh, this is Sean and Beverly Lincoln.

They created my show.

- Hello.
- Nice to meet you.

British or just really pretentious?

[Laughs] British.

And a little pretentious. [Laughs]

I don't know why I said that.

And you know Jamie Lapidus.

Do I know Jamie Lapidus?

- Hello, beautiful.
- Hi, Jay.

I am so sorry to hear about you and Merc.

Oh, don't be. I'm not.

- And now you're with this guy, huh?
- Yeah.

It's a good thing you can't
see, 'cause he got really old.

Hey, Jay, um, here's the thing.

- Yeah.
- I just found out I'm on second.

- Really?
- Really.

Yeah. Look, I'm not in charge of that.

- I don't know how that...
- Bullshit.

It's 'cause I took that
fucking Lamborghini.

That was you? You fucking jizz bag.

- What, like you didn't know?
- Hey, if I knew, you wouldn't be on at all.

So why am I on second?

Look, it's not "Friends" anymore.

It's "Pucks."

Still.

"Still"?

There's no "still."

Shit changes.

Believe me.

Enjoy the show, folks.

[Door closes]

So, how do you know Jay?

Every year he hosts my easter
egg hunt for children's cancer.

Asshole.

Wow. [Laughs] I'm batting 0 for 5 here.

But that's cool. I got another one.

Okay.

Now, I haven't given
this one as much thought.

Is that scientifically possible?

It's about this guy who loses his job

and has to move home with his parents.

Um, can I stop you right there?

Again, it's an area we
explored when you were here.

Uh, did we like it?

No.

Ah.

In fact, you were the one who
said, "it's been done to death."

[Laughs] Well, you know me.

I never remember what I say.

We do.

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

All righty.

This was so great.

You've given us a lot to think about.

- Let us talk.
- Uh-oh.

I know what that means.

[Laughs] Okey dokey.

Ah!

Hey, kids, could I have
a moment with mom here?

[Chuckles] Mm.

Bye-bye.

Hate him.

Hate him like Hitler.

[Exhales deeply]

- So, this was different.
- I'll bet.

Myra's still a hoot. I'll tell you.

It's no picnic being on the
other end of that squirrel face.

[Laughs]

I'm sure none of this is easy.

What, are you... are you kidding me?

This is the part I love... the
pitching and the schmoozing.

I tell you, this is the best thing

that could have happened to me.

It's like a wake-up call.

You know, just to recharge my batteries.

Seriously, you've got
to buy fucking something.

- I...
- Now, come on.

I need this!

If I can't sell something here,

no one in this town is
even gonna talk to me.

Look, there's nothing here
I can even bring to Castor.

Buy something? What am I buying?

You're buying five years of us! Of love.

Okay. I... I can't do this.

You've got to go.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That was shitty. I'm
sorry. Please. Please wait.

I'm not... not in a very
good place right now.

I'm not doing a very good job handling it.

You know how hard it is to be 52

and realize you fucked yourself
out of everything you ever...

ever wanted?

I'll bet it's even harder at 58.

[Chuckles]

How are you?

Are you okay?

I'm okay.

How is it, uh, here with the new guy?

W... we're still feeling our way,

but I think it's going to work out.

I'm glad.

You deserve good things.

Well... [laughs]

How's the divorce going?

Oh, great.

By the time her lawyer's done with me,

I might not even have the one ball left.

Ooh. That's not what you want.

[Both laugh]

And she's still with that asshole LeBlanc.

He's probably hanging in
there just to piss me off.

Or it's not about you.

Enh.

Hey, I started taking pilates.

No!

Yeah, yeah. I fucking hate it.

Don't fold me.

[Both laugh]

We should get a drink
sometime, dinner... something.

No.

I'm just talking dinner.

And I'm just saying no. [Laughs]

Okay. That's fair.

I get it.

All right.

So, this was great.

Thanks again for coming in.

My pleasure.

Maybe next time,

the big kahuna will grace
me with his presence.

I know he wanted to be here.

I'm sorry he got called away.

Next time.

We don't need to do the goodbye hug.

Whatever you want.

It's gonna be okay.

How is it gonna be okay?

I... I can't even back out now.

I'm sorry, but so you're on second?

I don't get what the big deal is.

I don't know how it
works on the little island

where you come from,

but here it sends a message!

Something as stupid as coming
out second says everything.

You're over. You're on your way out.

- Viewers aren't stupid.
- Some of them are stupid.

Some of them are stupid,
but most of them get it.

I didn't even want to do this fucking thing

in the first place.

Thanks!

What the... [sighs]

Motherfucker!

[Bell chimes]

He's here! What?

- That bastard's here, isn't he?!
- Who? Oh, no.

Don't bullshit me!
Meeting out of the office?!

- I saw his goddamn car!
- Hang on. You don't want to...

- Is he in there?
- I'm sorry. Who are you?

Hey! Asshole!

If you're gonna piss on me,
at least do it to my face!

- Please don't do this.
- Yeah. I need security.

You don't even have the
common courtesy to open a door?

[Grunts]

You listen. You listen to me, you prick!

Someday you're gonna be
the one standing out here,

and I hope whoever is in there treats you

with a little more respect
than you are treating me!

You hear me?!

[Pounds on door] You little shit!

You little shit!

You goddamn weasel hiding
in your little hole!

I made this network
number one for four years.

Four years!

Let's see how long you last!

You'll be gone before the coffee gets cold!

Y... you're a blink. You're a footnote!

And you... what have you done?

You came out in digital,
for God's sake... digital!

What the fuck is that?! You're nothing!

You're nobody!

Fuck you!

Fuck you, you cocksucker!

[Thudding]

Fuck you!

[Groans]

Just saw Zac Efron.

He's losing his looks.

How fast?

Sorry about tonight.

It is what it is.

It is what it is.

You're wrong about one thing.

Yeah?

You are far from over.

Mm.

I think I've been over for a while,
and no one bothered to tell me.

It's not like they send
you a thing in the mail.

You don't know. "Pucks" could catch on.

New night.

No?

Nah.

What kills me is I knew when to quit.

I could have gone out on top.

It's like Vegas. When
you hit it big, walk away.

Don't stay at the fucking
table till it's all gone.

The good news is you don't
actually have a gambling problem.

- No, I do.
- Really?

- Kind of.
- Ah.

There you are. We've been looking for you.

What's that?

It was for Zac Efron.

What? Like he needs more fruit.

He's out here.

Hey.

Matt: What's up?

Bad news. No show tonight.

What? Sorry.

They're pre-empting us. We just heard.

They're doing a special
on the devastation in Peru.

Yes! Thank you, Peru.

I have Carol here to
see you. [Intercom beeps]

Castor: Okay.

[Knock on door]

[Whirring]

Oh! Uh, I didn't realize
you were... I can come back.

Stay. I'll be done in 22 seconds.

All right.

Hand me a towel.

No! Not that one!

In the bathroom.

[Grunts]

This one better?

[Breathing heavily]

[Exhales deeply]

I, uh...

I just wanted to apologize for Merc.

Yeah. What the hell was that about?

I know.

I've never seen him like that
... well, not quite like that.

- He's got issues.
- You think?

I know he seemed like
a lunatic today, but...

He's not a bad guy.

He's just going through
a... really hard time and...

And what?

[Voice breaking] He makes me sad.

Oh, Jesus.

Sorry.

You okay?

I'm fine, really. [Sobs]

Oh. Thank you.

So embarrassing.

I... I never cry at work.

Well, I'd hug you,

but, uh, obviously, I'm all sweaty and...

That's okay.

I don't mind.

Yeah. Okay.

Come here.