Episodes (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 3 - Episode Three - full transcript

What's done is done.

You slept with morning.
I slept with rob.

It would be one thing
if he was the only one.

Christ.
Who else?

Yes. Yes.

I don't care if we fail.
Failing's fine.

If we go down in flames,
at least there were flames!

I'm happy
just to be around him.

He is amazing.

No one seems to notice
I'm so full of shit.

And I can hear the furniture
whispering.



Maybe we should try adjusting
your medication again.

Maybe.

Yeah?

Hey.
Is now a good time?

No.

Really?
Yep.

Oh.

You're still there.

Uh, yeah, I know.

Uh...

I just...
I kind of need a little advice.

Advice?

Career stuff.

I'm really bad at that shit,



and I don't know
who else to go to.

I swear it will just take
like a minute.

A minute.

Thanks.

I feel like an asshole
even talking about this.

But, you know,
I'm just starting out,

and I don't want to make
a mistake and fuck it all up.

Okay. Look.
First of all, you got to relax.

You're freaking yourself out
here.

You think?

This is the good part.

You got a job.
You're on a show.

Enjoy it.
No. I know.

It's just... it's all this stuff
coming at me.

What kind of stuff?

You know, like movie stuff.

Movie stuff?
Yeah.

I'm starting to get
all these offers,

like this big
Michael Bay thing.

Michael Bay?

It's called "Tsunami."

Do you drown?

No.

So what's your question for me?

Okay. Like, how do you know
which ones to pick?

I mean, back when you were hot,

you did a bunch of movies,
right?

Mm-hmm.

And it's not like you read them
and thought,

"well, this is
a piece of crap."

You thought they were gonna be
good, you know?

Mm-hmm.

It's scary,

'cause, like,
you make a bunch of shitty ones,

and suddenly they don't want you
anymore.

You know what I mean.
Mm-hmm.

I do not want to be 50
and still doing sitcoms.

Did you just point to me
on "50"?

Uh...

You think I'm 50?
You think I'm fucking 50?!

No.
I don't know how old you are.

Well, I'm not fucking 50!

Dude, you look great.

I hope I look this good
when I'm...

When you're what?

Say a number!

Th...

Your minute's up!

Minute's up!

Thank you.

This was great.
Open or closed?

Minute's up!

Carol rance on 2!

Is it actually Carol or someone
who's then gonna summon Carol?

What?

I'm just saying,
if she's got...

If she's calling us,

we shouldn't have to wait
for her to pick up.

So I'm asking...

Is this actually Carol...
On the phone?

Yes.

Thank you.

Hi, Carol.
Hi, Carol.

Hold for Carol.

Oh, I see.

Hey there.

Hi.

So, I just got a call
from Stoke's agent.

She's not happy.

Oh, no!

Why?

Apparently,
Stoke's been offered

four days
on some Michael Bay movie,

but you guys won't let him out.

As I told her, it would
totally mess up our schedule.

And while we always
want to accommodate

our little enemy of comedy,

we're not prepared to rearrange
everything just for Stoke.

That totally makes sense.

Thank you.

But I need you to do it anyway.

I'm sorry!

Stoke doing a hot movie
can only be good for the show,

and we need anything
that's good for the show.

Fine.
Thank you.

Also, today is castor's
first day,

so better not to start
with any "pucks" drama.

How is it so far?

Oh, my God.

I can see his abs
through his T-shirt.

Didn't we agree
you weren't gonna go there?

Hey!

You weren't sleeping with merc
for the last five years.

We're talking too fast,
too damp... often farty.

Oh, God.

I miss good sex.

I deserve good sex, don't I?

No one more than you.

Oh. Sorry.

You deserve it, too.

Anything happening
with you guys?

Uh, actually, we guys are...
both here...

...on speaker.

Oh!

Ha!

Hi, Sean!

Hello, Carol.

What?
Nothing.

I'm sorry.
She's my friend.

Friends talk.
I just don't understand.

Hey!
Hi. Hi.

See you guys later.

Yep. Yep.
Okay.

They fucking hate me.

I just don't understand
this need to divulge

the most intimate secrets
of our relationship.

I mean, seriously.

That you would talk to Carol,
of all people,

about whether or not we're...

When we don't even talk
about it.

Maybe I talk to Carol
because we don't talk about it.

Knock, knock!
Yeah.

Oh, my God.

This is amazing.

I hate it.
All righty.

Does that look like weimaraner
to you?

Does what look like weimaraner?

The walls.
What color is that?

Not weimaraner?

Exactly.
Assholes.

Don't ask me what color I want
and then give me this.

Oh, I know.
It's the worst.

I had my bathroom redone
about a year ago,

and I ordered
these little glass tiles.

And when they came...

So, what's up?
Okay.

Uh, I just wanted to say
good night

and make sure you survived
your first day. Barely.

I'm just looking
at last week's numbers. Jesus.

What happened to
"it's not about the numbers"?

That was before I saw
the numbers.

I'm so fucked.

Okay.

Tomorrow, 6:00 A.M.,
saddle up the troops.

I want everyone here.
No excuses.

Yikes.

6:00 A.M.?
Yeah.

What time do these pussies
normally start?

Uh... the pussies normally start
a little bit later.

But if you want 6:00, we will do 6:00.
Good.

I want to rip this whole
goddamn schedule apart.

I want ideas.
I want opinions.

Tell people I expect them
to bring their truth.

Mm.
I'm not sure everyone has truth.

Then they can bring bagels.

Hey, have you seen
the call sheet?

Why am I doing night shoots
if it's all interiors?

Right.

Um... stoke is doing four days
on a movie,

so we kind of have to work
around his schedule.

You're kidding me.

I have to work around
that douche nozzle?

Afraid so.
That's... nauseating?

Yeah, it's criminal.
Crime against humanity.

And he's getting movies?

Movies?!
He can't act!

He's...
block of words.

Talent vacuum.

Negative acting space.

I hate this goddamn business.

I don't blame you.
Who doesn't? Yeah.

See you tomorrow.
Yeah, yeah. Bye.

"Douche nozzle."

Yeah, it's the part of the
douche that goes into the...

Got it.
You know, the nozzle.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Yeah.

Which one's Stoke again?

He plays Howie.

Is he the really
good-looking one?

How do you know
he's really good-looking?

Are you kidding?

He's a shitty enough actor.
He'd have to be.

Oh, Jesus.

What?

It's Sean and Beverly's
old assistant.

Fuck me.

Matt!

It's Andrew... Andrew Lesley.

How are you?

No.
No?

No.
Okay.

So, new topic.

Why aren't you doing my pilot?
What?

I'm doing this pilot...
well, actually, two pilots

and a screenplay for Fox.

I have so much on my plate,
I need another plate.

Anyway,
there's this one at nbc.

It's a drama.

I'm afraid I didn't even
think of you for it.

That's okay.
I never think of you.

But then I saw you sitting here,
and it was like,

"how perfect would he be?"

Except I've already got a show.

Oh, what are you doing?
Uh, "pucks"?

Is that still on?

Yeah.

Poor Sean and bev.

I mean, back home,
they're the flavor of the month.

Then they come here,
and no one wants to eat them.

You know, speaking of eating...
Oh, absolutely.

I'll let you get back to it.
Looks scrummy.

But you're sure there's no way
you can do my show?

You'd be so right for it.

I'm sure.

You're breaking my heart.

I'm heartbroken.

Mm, mm, mm!

Maybe just give it a read.

No.
That's okay.

Oh, come on.
Just for shits and giggles.

I promise you'll love it.

Anyway, bon appétit.

Okay.
Let's talk.

Really?

You were right.

If we're having a problem...
fornicationally,

then we should discuss it.

I'd like that.

Good.

You first.

All right.

Well, obviously,

the fact that we haven't had sex
since we got back together

is troubling for both of us.

Agreed.

Over the last few months,

we have both made choices...
fornicationally

that are difficult
to recover from.

Already regretting that word.

We both have, uh...
ghosts to contend with.

I feel like you're about to snap
that wine stem.

Could happen.

So I see two choices.

Go.

One, we never have sex again.

Please let two be better.

Seriously, put down the glass.

Two, we suck it up
and power through.

Oh, yeah.

We've got to get over this.

Yes. Well, it's a lot easier
for you to get over it.

I've got to get up and over it,
if you know what I mean.

I do know what you mean.

No offense,
but physiologically,

I'm the one who has to deliver
the goods.

All you have to do
is lie there.

Just lie there?

You really think...
No. No. No. That's not what I...

I'm just talking...
if that's the case,

I-I don't know why you even bother waking
me up. I'm just talking about anatomy.

By the way... this is why
I don't like to talk.

All I'm saying is...

Keep going.

All I'm saying is when you've
got other people in your head,

it's a distraction.

When I've got them,
it's pretty much game over.

I get it, but those people
are always gonna be in there.

We can't unfuck them,
as your friend Matt would say.

When did he say that?
You don't want to know.

So we just have to do
everything in our power

to make each other forget them.

For example...

Ohh!

"Just lie there."

I should never say anything.
Good idea.

What are you reading?

That asshole's script.
Why?

So I can tell Sean and Beverly
how shitty it is.

And?

It's fucking brilliant.

Huh.

Guess sometimes assholes
don't make shit.

What?

I like you.

I hate my dick.

Don't say that.

If this were a movie,
my dick would be the villain.

He's the best friend
that just abandons the hero.

If this were a movie,

your dick would totally
come through for you in the end.

When?
The movie's almost over.

No, it's not.
You'll see.

Oh, he'll be there for you.

He's just creating...
dramatic tension.

Because I'm not tense enough?

Just wait.

When everyone has written
your dick off,

suddenly there he'll be...
coming over the hill.

My dick is coming over a hill?

Mm-hmm.
With reinforcements.

So it's not just him.
No.

There are many dicks...
Right.

...coming over this hill.

How will I know which one's mine?
Oh, you'll know.

Yours... is the one riding
in front.

So these are equestrian dicks?

Apparently so.

And they ride to your rescue,
tall in the saddle,

and there is much celebrating,
with...

Erections and orgasms

and a big festival of...

What?
...Splooge.

I am so not seeing this movie.

Are you sure he said
6:00 A.M.?

That's what he said.

I got caught speeding 'cause I
was afraid I was gonna be late.

I canceled
a dentist appointment.

I want to get veneers.

Let's see.
Smile.

Mm-hmm.

How long
do we have to sit here?

I don't know what to tell you.

What did you say?

What did you say?

You got to get me this.

I'm an agent.
I'm not a magician.

Come on. It's fucking amazing.
Have you read it?

Yeah.
Everybody's read it.

That's why everybody
wants to do it.

Yeah.
Well, he said he wants me.

It doesn't matter what he wants.
You're on a show.

I'll quit.
You can't quit.

I could quit.

You have a contract.

Fuck the contract.

You can't fuck the contract.

It's unfuckable,
like a Disney character.

So what am I supposed to do?

You smile and cash your check.
That's what you do.

They're paying you
a shitload of money.

So I'll give them back
the money.

You never give back the money!

Okay.

Listen.

"Pucks," uh,
isn't gonna last forever.

Then we'll find you
something great.

I promise.
It's all good. All right?

All right.

All right.
I love you, bud.

Fucking actors.

Still here.

I knew that.

Fuck me.

Still here.

Jesus.

Hey. Uh, you guys got a sec?

What's up?
Uh...

I got a favor.

Sure. Anything.
No.

First, what is it?

Right.
What is it?

Kill me.

I'm sorry.
What?

You got to kill lyman.
Please.

W-What...
Sorry. What do you mean?

I got to get off the show.
I'm sorry.

I can't quit.
But if you kill me...

We can't kill you.

Sure, you can.
You created me.

Don't you think
if we could kill you,

we'd have done it by now?

There's this pilot at nbc.

It's fucking genius.

It's a one-hour like nothing
I've ever done before,

and I know I could play the shit
out of this guy.

But I can't do it
if I'm doing this,

and you're barely
even using me now.

Please?
Just think about it.

I don't know.

Kill lyman?

Can't imagine the network
going for it.

At least find out?
Isn't this a little premature?

Has nbc even offered it to you?

No, but the writer
really wants me.

Oh. Who's the writer?

Uh... I'm not sure.

This genius writer wants you
for the role of a lifetime,

but you're not sure.

Andrew Lesley.

Sorry. What?

Andrew Lesley?

Our Andrew Lesley?

M-Maybe.

You want to leave us...

To do a show
with Andrew fucking Lesley?

Look, I-I know.
I know.

But his script is amazing.

My ears are bleeding.

How did this even happen?

Were you at some party

with him and Hitler
and the manson family?

No. No. He came up to me
at a restaurant.

The bloody nerve.
Trying to poach you from us.

And that you would
even consider...

That little shit weasel,

with his stupid... scarves
and his obsequious mewling.

Even when he first started
working for us...

"Bev, darling!

Can I get you
a little cappuccino?

How do you like
your foam?"

Fucker!

Hey, do you think I like
coming to you guys like this?

But just read it.

You'll see.
Oh, my God.

Are you actually asking us

to read that douche nozzle's
script?

Hey.

You expect us to validate
his wonderfulness?!

I just...
of all the appalling,

offensive, truly galling things
you have done

in the short time that we have known you...
Ow! Ow! Ow!

So you have no self-awareness!
Hit him harder!

All right!

No, my friend.

We will not kill you off
for Andrew Lesley.

It's bad enough
you wrecked our little show

by grafting a hockey stick
onto it.

You do not get to walk away.

You will stay here in the shit
with the rest of us.

Morning!

So, uh,
we missed you yesterday.

Hmm?
6:00 A.M.?

Saddle up the troops?

Shit.
Yep.

Everybody was here.
They all brought their truth.

Jesus. Right.

Uh, I, uh...

Yeah, I should have called,
but... but I, uh...

What?

I...

I had to put my dog down.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.
It was pretty horrible.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know you had a dog.

Yeah.
He was a... weimaraner.

I've had him
since I was like 12.

Wow.

How old was he?

27.

27?

I've never heard of a dog
living that long.

Well, now you have.

What was wrong with him?

He was fucking old.
Sure.

Do you have any other pets?

No.
Just the, uh, dog.

Wow.
Yeah. Wow.

Now he's gone,
and it's just me, alone.

Gonna come home tonight
to nobody.

Nobody.

I'm all alone.

I'm so alone.

Oh, you're not alone.

I said I'm alone!
Okay.

Now I've lost count, and I've
got to start all over again.

You know...

Sometimes it's nice to have
a little alone time...

soak in a tub,
finish that Stephen king book.

Please stop talking.
Sure.

No. I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I know you are.

Sorry.

Okay.
Do me a favor.

Get me everyone's name
who was there yesterday.

I want to apologize to them
personally.

That's so not necessary.

No, no. They deserve that.
They're good people.

Well, all right.

Great.

And we'll just reschedule.

When do you want to do it?

Now.
N-Now?

I want to do it right now.

I don't know
if everyone's available.

Then we'll do it ourselves.
We don't need them.

Fuck them.
Fuck them!

Okay.
Consider them fucked.

Knock, knock.

Hello.

So, Matt just told me about
wanting to leave the show.

He's not going anywhere.

I hope not.
I can't imagine it without him.

Good, 'cause you won't have to.

Sure.
But say it does come to that.

God forbid.
Which it's not going to.

No. I know.
But say it does.

I just want you guys to know...
I can skate.

What?

I could totally coach
that team.

I could play his part
in my sleep.

Are you suggesting
you replace Matt?

It could totally work!

You'd get a ton of stories
from it.

The librarian becomes the coach?
I'd watch that.

R-Right.

Well, uh, why don't you let us
discuss this?

Absolutely.

And... just saying...
I think it makes

a strong feminist statement
having a female coach.

Plus, imagine these on ice.

All right.
Let's do some damage here.

Ready!
Monday, 8:00.

"Pucks."
Bye-bye!

8:30...

Um... can we back up to 8:00
for a sec?

What are you doing?
What...

I like "pucks."

No.
I'm sorry.

I know it doesn't reinvent
the wheel.

But I believe in these writers,

and the show has never gotten
a fair shake.

I say we give it
one more chance.

That's my truth.

And it never got
a fair shake why?

Because it's... it's opposite
that stupid talking dog.

Anything against it
is gonna get buried.

Explain to me why that's a hit.
Seriously, what the fuck?

So it's a dog that talks.

It says funny things.

I so shouldn't be
in this business.

I look at that show.
I think it's insipid.

It doesn't make me laugh.
I don't even like dogs.

Except, obviously, for...

...zoloft.

Mm.

Hey.

We have to talk.

Uh-oh.
No. It's good.

Really good.

You slept with him.

Who? Oh!

No, no.

No.

But it's still good.

Castor wanted to cancel
"pucks."

Oh, my God.
Wait. Wait.

Before you freak out...
I managed to talk him out of it.

And we're moving the show
to a new night

so you're not opposite
the talking dog.

Ta-da!

Oh. Great.
No, no, no.

It's a good thing.

And not like sometimes
when I say it's a good thing.

It's actually a good thing.

Mm...

What?

It's just...

Sean and I are having
a very tough time with it.

We would do so much better
if the show went away

and we could go home,
where there aren't as many...

Ghosts.

So you could just, like,
pack up and go home?

Seriously.
Without looking back.

Wow.

What?

It's...

It's... nothing.

What...
I just...

I guess I just didn't realize

there was so little here for...

But that's fine.
Really.

I get it.

I just... I would have thought
that there were...

there were... things, people.

But clearly...

You know, I don't even like
"pucks" that much.

I just did this for you.

What's going on?

Castor wanted to cancel
"pucks."

What?!
It's okay. Relax.

I talked him out of it.

You... Jesus Christ.
You talked him out of it?!

God damn it.
Fuck you, Carol!

At least he knew your name.

What just happened?

Castor wants to cancel "pucks."
Carol convinced him not to.

They're gonna try us on a different
night so we're not opposite the dog.

Oh, my God!
That's fantastic!

You're amazing!
Thank you so much!

Too late!