Episodes (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 2 - Episode Two - full transcript

Matt's custody battle for his kids gets more difficult after he gets a DUI with them in the car. Sean struggles with the news that Beverly spent a night with ruggedly handsome Rob. Carol, once again, falls under the spell of her charismatic new boss.

It's all gonna be better.
You'll see.

I'm gonna be better.

D.U.I.?
You got me.

Looks like we did.

Carol's getting merc's job.
I'm not good with secrets.

Are you serious?
Please, you cannot repeat this.

Wait. So it's not
castor soto?

Hmm?

No, I've never met him.
But come on!

Castor soto!

What a coup.



I spent a night here with rob.

What night?

Wednesday.

Oh!

Gah! Oh-h-h!

You...

You slept with rob?

Yes.

You "slept with him"
slept with him?

I-I...

Did.

You only dated him,
what... twice?

Right, twice.

So, on 50% of your dates,
you slept with rob.



Or you... you could say

I only slept with him
on half our dates.

Wow.

What?
Nothing. I just...

I never thought of you as...

What?

Easy.

Easy?

Well, you wouldn't sleep with me
until our fifth date.

You were married.

So are we!

Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

Do not go there.

You categorically told me
we were over.

Right.

In fact, the night
that rob and I...

N-n-n-n...

I actually called

and asked if you wanted me
to cancel my date.

And what did you say?

"Go. Go."

I meant "go on a date,"
not "go fuck him"!

Oh...

God!

Why did you have to tell me?

Would you rather I'd lied?

Maybe.
Well, I'm sorry.

I didn't think you'd want to
sleep in the same bed...

Oh, believe me... we are
not sleeping in this bed.

Yaah!

Ugh!

So where are we gonna sleep?

Don't know.
Maybe I should just go home.

No. You are home.

And we're not spending our first
night back together apart.

Look, I'm hating this
as much as you are...

Uh-huh.

...but we've got to
move forward.

What's done is done.

You slept with morning.
I slept with rob.

And Matt.

We're still counting that?

Oh, it counts.

You were with two people.
I was only with one.

True, but I slept
with two people only once.

You were with one person twice,

so, in effect...
apples to apples...

I think we're even.

And I think
your maths only works

if you're fucking the apples.

Look, I'm just trying to help us
get through this.

How? How can I get
through this?

Maybe if he wasn't
so handsome...

Which one?

Both.

How can I compete with that?

You had
a world-famous TV star

and a hunk that drives a truck.

He drives a truck.

Well, morning's no slouch.

Ah. She's probably twice as old
as both your guys.

Even so, that body,
those big tits...

Oh, you did very well,
my friend.

I suppose.

You did.

And now it's time
to put all that behind us.

We agreed... fresh start.

Fresh start.

Right?

Clean slate.

Clean slate.

What? What are you
thinking about?

Your dirty slate.

Yo.

Matt, I just got off the phone
with Diane's lawyer.

Oh, fuck.

He told me
about the D.U.I.

The D.U.I.
with the kids in the car.

Got to say,
didn't see that coming.

It's bullshit.
I was so not drunk.

Believe me...
I've driven drunk.

I know the difference.

I hope you told the cops that.

Did you have
any alcohol at all?

Like two glasses of champagne,
three tops.

And the boys were in the car?

Does it help that I was
taking them to Disneyland?

It does not.

So, what do we do about Diane?

I have no idea.

You have no idea?
You're my lawyer.

Yeah, well, I'm thinking
of leaving the law...

Starting a zoo.

Because I seem
to have discovered

the only animal
in the known world

that can actually fuck itself.

Wow.

Please don't take this
the wrong way, Matt,

but you are the worst client
I ever had, seriously.

I'd happily trade you

for two Mel Gibsons
and a Tiger Woods.

Jesus!

As far as the D.U.I.,

this is your first offense,
amazingly,

so we can probably get you off
with a little community service.

As far as Diane,
you're on your own.

Jesus!

Yep. The new guy's
changing everything.

Time to get out
the old résumés.

Well, I think that's premature.

I don't have a résumé.

How do you not have a résumé?

This is the only place
I've ever worked.

Well, except for the summer
after college.

I was one of the snow whites
at Disneyland.

I never knew that.

I worked the Graveyard Shift.

Well, I think it's way too soon

to start packing up our desks.

Come on. You know he's gonna
bring in his own people.

No, we don't.
we haven't even met him yet.

He might want to
keep things intact.

Seriously?
And not clean house?

He's throwing out
merc's toilet.

Mm.

Stop it.

We need to stay positive.

I have a good feeling
about this.

You do?
I don't.

Well, I really do.

I am so fucked.

No way this guy
isn't gonna clean house.

Well, you haven't
even met him yet.

I don't need to.
It's what I would do.

But you're brilliant
at your job.

Why wouldn't
he want to keep you?

Because I'm brilliant at it.

Okay, you know
what you mean, but...

You never want someone who can
do your job better than you can.

Why do you think
I've got Andy and myra?

Plus, if this guy finds out

they offered me the job
before him, forget it!

Fucked!

Normally, at this point,

I would try
and be encouraging...

Yeah, no point in that.

That's what I'm thinking.

How did this happen?

Last week, they're asking me
to run the network,

and tomorrow, I'm gonna be
blowing guys just to get a job.

Figuratively.
Of course.

For the record, I've never
blown anyone for a job.

Impressive!

Mm-hmm.

Oh, wait.
There we go.

When I first started out,

I gave a handjob to the head
of development at nickelodeon.

Nickelodeon?!

He was an adult.

It's for kids, not run by kids.

Oh. Right.

I suddenly had an image.

Yeah, like I'd Jack off
some 12-year-old for a job.

I really don't think I would.

Good.

Unless it was like
some amazing...

Stop talking.
Yeah, okay.

Good morning.

Hey.

How was the weekend?

All right.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Bullshit.

What's going on?

I'd really
rather not discuss it.

Not discuss what?

When a person says he'd
really rather not discuss it...

Is it about the show?
No.

So, then...?
Believe it or not,

some things
are not your concern.

Well, tell me what it is,
and I'll see if I agree.

Is it, like, something serious?

I'm not having
this conversation.

Yeah, we are.
Come on.

I care. Tell me.
No!

Okay, you're starting
to freak me out.

Is it, like, cancer?

No, it is not cancer.

Well, I don't know.

Is it... is it bev?
Does she have...

No. No one has cancer!

Ed has cancer.

What?
It's okay.

You didn't know.

Jesus Christ.

What is going on?

She slept with rob.

Who?
Bev, my wife.

No, I know who bev is.
Who's rob?

Morning's brother.

With the truck.

What truck?

He had a truck!

Anyway, last week,

before we got back together,

she slept with him.

No shit?

And she told you?

To her credit,
she felt we needed to be honest.

What, is she stupid?

And this was gonna be
your big, like,

"finally back together"
weekend?

Yeah.

For fans of irony,
it's a real treat.

Man.

I figured you two would be
fucking like bunnies.

More like bunnies with awkward
silences and sullen looks.

I actually slept on the sofa.

Seriously?
Well, I don't want to sleep in her bed.

She doesn't want to
sleep in mine.

That's not good
for the bunnies.

No.

I'm sure, eventually,
we'll get past this,

but oh, my God!

I was so not prepared

for something else
I had to get past.

I mean, it would be one thing
if he was the only one.

Christ. Who else?

Yes, yes.

We all love the draft.

You are so good.

Wow. Thank you.

We really don't even
have any notes.

I think you just became
my favorite network.

Just a few tone questions.

O-kay.

We're a little concerned

that the characters all seem
a bit too... angry.

Oh...

Well, it... it's called
"angry men," so...

No, I know, and we love it.

Mm.

Shouldn't we maybe wait
till the new guy starts

and see what he thinks?

I think we want to make sure

he's seeing the best
possible version of this.

Maybe this is the best
possible version.

It's not.

I'm gonna kill somebody.

Phew. Thought that was
just happening in my head.

Excuse me a moment.

Okay, stop!

Stop!

I know you have jobs to do,

but so do we, and it's just...
it's... it's impossible!

Seriously! Enough!

How many fucking bookshelves
does this guy need?!

It's true.
I heard he can't even read.

No one told us
you were coming in today.

I'd have prepared a more
embarrassing way to meet you.

I don't know.
You set the bar pretty high.

Oh.

That's funny.

I'm Carol...

Rance. I know.

I just came in
to look at the space.

How are you with decorating?

Uh, try me.

Okay.

When you were thinking
of taking this job,

where were you
gonna put your desk?

Uh...

I always thought here.

So you could see the view...

Plus it's more convenient
for jumping.

Clearly, you've given this
some thought.

I have.

Just so you know...
Mm.

...the reason
I didn't take the job is,

I really think I'm at my best

when I'm supporting
someone else.

I'm a great number two.

Yeah, I don't want
a great number two.

Sure.

I get that.

I want a partner.

Hey, mertala.
Is she here?

Who is it?!

It's Mr. Matt!

Tell him to go the fuck away!

That's what she says.

I just want to talk to you
for a minute!

Tell him, no, he's an asshole.

That, too.

Don't even start.

I didn't say anything yet.

I know what you're gonna say.

No, you don't.

Bullshit.
First, you'll deny it.

Then you'll lie about it.

Then you'll say you're sorry

and swear it'll never, ever,
ever happen again.

Then it happens again.

You're making my sauce?

I'm making sauce.

Put the butter in yet?

No, 'cause it's not your sauce.

It's better with the butter.

I'm not putting
your fucking butter in.

Hey, I get it.
You're mad.

But don't blame the butter.

Look, this whole D.U.I. thing
is bullshit.

You were arrested for driving
drunk with our kids in the car.

Well, when you say it like that,
yeah, it sounds terrible.

I had a couple glasses
of champagne.

You tell me you never had
a few drinks

and then drove the kids?

I know you did.
You just never got caught.

Yeah, well, not anymore.

I haven't had a drink
in six weeks.

Why?

Somebody's
got to be a grown-up,

and clearly, it's not you.

Uh... grown-ups drink.

I've been seeing someone.

Like...

A shrink?

Like a guy.

Who?
You don't know him.

And he doesn't drink?

He's been sober for 15 years.

Sounds horrible.

Wait. Is that whose car is out front?
Yeah.

I'm on a waiting list
for one of those.

How'd he get it?
He's a dealer.

Drugs?

Cars.

Asshole.

So, where is he?

He took the boys
for a bike ride.

He's alone with the boys?
So?

So you're giving me shit
about my parenting skills,

and some total stranger is off with...
he's not a total stranger.

Yeah? Well, how well do you
know this guy? Well.

How well?
Well enough that we're getting married.

That's... pretty damn well.

So, when you say
you want a partner...

Yeah, that's not exactly true.

I don't want a partner.

Ah.

I want you as my partner.

I've heard good things.

I want to find out
if they're true.

If they're good,
they're definitely true.

What scares you most?
Don't think. Just answer.

Bees.

You know what scares me?
Mediocrity.

Safe choices, hedged bets,

a willingness to settle
for the easy and familiar.

I would really like
to take back "bees."

Geez. Married?

I didn't even know
you were dating.

'Cause it's none
of your business.

You don't tell me when
you're screwing your stalker.

Hey, careful. They're starting
to get too small. Oh, right.

Mr. big balls.
I'm just saying,

they're gonna dry out
when you fry them.

I'm baking them.
Oh, you're killing me.

So, uh, how'd you get
the kids not to tell me?

Really?
The never mentioned Ollie?

Wait.
This guy's Ollie?

They fucking talk about Ollie
all the time.

I thought they made him up.

What? It's always like,
"we went to the zoo with Ollie.

We built a fort
with Ollie."

"Yeah, okay."

Nope. He's real.

And he's really all right?

No, I'm gonna marry
some douchebag.

Uh, hello?

He's a good guy.

Well, he better be.
He is.

He's good with the boys.
He likes my mother.

He likes your mother?

Sober?

Go figure.

Pain in the ass.

Well, you know,

if I don't like him,
this whole thing is off.

Right.

Seriously.
Okay.

Better, right?

You know it's better.

Mmm, mmm.

Fuck ratings.

I don't care about ratings.

Well, that's easy to say...

I don't.
I don't care if we fail.

Failing's fine!

If we go down in flames,
at least there were flames!

Wow.

If we're gonna do this,
I want to do TV

that's bold and thrilling
and dangerous!

I can be dangerous.

I-I can.

You don't seem dangerous.

That's what makes me
so dangerous.

I like you.

I like you, too.

I think you are so much more
than you've been allowed to be.

Really?

You need to stop trying
to please people.

Can you do that?

If that's what you want.

I don't think
she's coming back.

Amazing. She gave you
another chance?

You are an evil genius.

You're too kind.

And you're okay
with her getting married again?

Yeah. Why not?

Your ex-wife ever remarry?
No.

I like to think she exhausted
all her misery on me

and then left the business.

So I'm guessing
you don't miss her.

No.

I do miss my current wife.

Yeah, you guys are idiots.

Thank you.

So, what, you're just never
gonna have sex again?

Probably not.

It's funny. You know,
I never had a problem

screwing in a bed
where another guy's been.

You've never had a problem

screwing in a woman
where another guy's been.

You told him
you were dangerous?

You're so non-dangerous.

I know!

But I swear, with him,
I feel like I could be.

Mm-hmm.

There's something about him
that's so dynamic.

This confidence...

I have not felt this excited
about work

in I don't know how long.

Dear God... exhale.

Oh. Oh!

And let me tell you...

is that boy easy on the eyes.

Don't.
I know... don't do voices.

Thank you.

Seriously, he is hot.

Obviously,
I would never go there.

Please.
You keep an apartment there.

Nope. Not gonna happen.

I'm happy
just to be around him,

to work with him,
to learn from him.

He is amazing.

I hear myself talking
to these people, and...

They're listening to me.

I mean, really listening
and nodding.

And no one seems to notice
I'm so full of shit.

Like, this one woman
was just eating it up.

And, on one hand,
I felt relieved

'cause, you know,
I was getting away with it.

But at the same time...

I felt such...

contempt for her.

And then things started
really getting bad.

The words I was saying

didn't even sound
like words anymore.

And then the walls
started making that noise,

and I just had to get
out of there.

So I'm sitting in my car,

and I'm just......

Just trying to breathe.

And it's like I'm...

I'm breathing ink.

And then I become the ink.

I'm like
this me-shaped bag

of black, viscous ink.

And even now,
as I'm talking to you,

I still feel...

Kind of gelatinous.

And I'm consumed with
an unbearable self-loathing.

And I can hear
the furniture whispering.

Maybe we should try adjusting
your medication again.

Maybe.

I'm guessing either Carol
or Willie Nelson was here.

That bad?

Not if you're in a reggae band.

So, listen, I, um...

I'm thinking of staying
at my place tonight.

What? No.

I'll just open some windows.
It's not that.

I just think...

It might be easier
if I'm in my place.

Stop saying "your place."
This is your place.

Is it?

What are we doing?

Don't know.

There's no version of this
that feels right.

I'm looking for Sean
or Beverly Lincoln?

Yes?
We got a delivery here.

Where do you want it?

You like it? They told me
nobody's fucked on it yet.

Oh, it's amazing!

It's brilliant!
Thank you.

Seriously, an evil genius.

Well, sleep tight, you guys.

Or don't.

Okay. Thank you.

Night-night.
Thanks again!

Bye.

This is insane!

I know! Feel this!

Ha ha!

I'd rather feel this.

Clean slate, baby!

Clean slate!

No more ghosts.

No.

Bye-bye, rob,
with your big, stupid truck!

So long, morning!

Don't let the door hit your tits
on the way out!

See you around, Matt!

Don't trip on your...
your giant dick!

Your... giant dick.

I'm exhausted.

Long day.

Long week.
Very.

Oh, this does feel like heaven.

Should come with a warning...
"may cause drowsiness."

"Do not operate
heavy machinery."

Mm.

Anyway...
Yeah.

Mm. Fresh sheets.

Mm. Yeah, real fresh.

Well, sleep tight.

You too.

Night.

Night.

Love you.

Love you, too.