Episodes (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode Two - full transcript

You're leaving?

Shh! Go back to sleep.

You're welcome to stay.

Thanks. I'm good.

- I should get up with you.
- No, no. It's fine.

Close your eyes.

Would you like some juice?

- No. Thank you. Really.
- You sure?

I'm sure. No juice.

If you're hungry,
I think there's some cheese.

- That's okay.
- Am I getting annoying?



- Little bit.
- I sensed it.

Should we talk about what happened?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- I had fun.
- Me, too.

- That's it?
- Pretty much.

- Okay.
- Okay. See you tomorrow.

Right, bye.

Good morning. Good morning.

- Hello, all.
- Morning.

- Hey. How you doing?
- Ooh, the last breakfast burrito.

Anyone mind?

- Go for it, man.
- I believe I will!

You're in a good mood.

Have...



Have any of you ever had...

an experience
that you'd fantasised about

but that you never believed in reality

could ever happen and then...

amazingly,
that experience actually occurs

and remarkably,

it's almost exactly
what you'd expected it would be.

But then you discover
that the experience

meant absolutely nothing.

Nothing!

Which you'd assume
would somehow diminish the experience,

but instead, the fact
that it meant nothing

makes it even better.

Do you know what I mean?

You got laid?

Cool.

- Morning!
- Where?

- What?
- What?

What?

Last one.

- Hello?
- Hey. Uh, look out your window.

- What?
- Just look out your window.

- Why?
- You'll see. Just do it.

Okay.

I'm looking.

You like?

Not really my type.

Bullshit. You don't think that's hot?

Are you drunk?

What window are you looking out?

The window that looks out.

- Wait, don't you face the front?
- No.

Seriously? How do you not have a view?

It's not like the front
faces the Parthenon

and I've got... Why are you calling?

Just come outside.

Huh?

What's this?

I believe it's for you.

So, like, no sports at all?

- You're giving me a car?
- I believe I am.

You're giving me a car?

Yup.

- Why?
- 'Cause I like you.

You're insane.
People don't give other people cars.

No one does that.

Which makes you very special.

Right. Well, thank you, no.

I'm afraid my goodwill
can't be bought this easily.

Aw, come on!

You want to keep driving that piece of
shit rental when you could be in...

You actually think
you can just undo everything with this?

"Hi, here's a car,
now forget I screwed your wife."

No. No. I'm not saying
forget what happened.

I'm just saying look at this.

- Stop it.
- I can't. It does it automatically

in under 24.8 seconds.

Come on! You gotta take this car!

- I do not!
- It's a chick magnet.

I don't want a chick magnet.

And who still says "chick magnet"?

Really? No one says "chick magnet"?

No.

I think we're still saying it over here.

Well, then you should all stop.

Okay, look, you have your integrity.
I respect that.

You know what else I respect?

A 3.7 litre V6 with traction control

and an electronic stability program.

Manual or automatic?

Seven-speed automatic.

It does zero to 60 in, like,
six seconds.

Also, check out the sound system.

Thirteen speakers,
including two in the headrest.

Huh!

Well, I don't care. No. I'm sorry.

You can keep your bloody car.

You destroyed my marriage.

You betrayed our friendship,
violated my trust.

You do not get to come back from that.

You do not!

Is it 'cause it's white?

I wanted black
but it was like a six-week wait!

What is that doing here?

I wanted you to see it in the daylight.

Oh, okay, well, I've seen it.

Now, could you please move it?
You're in my space.

This is your space,
this must be your car.

This is my car.
And I'd like to get it into my space.

It'd be so much easier
if this was your car

because it's already in your space.

Okay, I realise
you're enjoying this verbal jousting...

Morning.

Are you fucking kidding me?

- What?
- What?

You! In that car!

I know! It's so not me.

Oh, yours is white. Lovely.

Well, if you'd like,
you can have that one, too.

- What?
- That's not my car.

- Not yet.
- Not ever.

- We'll see.
- We will not see.

I can't believe
you let him give you a car!

He told me he was giving you one, too.

I didn't take it!

- No?
- The man destroyed our lives!

I know. But at least
we're getting cars out of it.

You know, a little revenge.

Screw him. "I'll take your bloody car!"

She's right. Screw me. Take the car.

It's not revenge
if he's giving them to us!

He still has to pay for them.

Money means nothing to him.

Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration.

The man has his own jet!

I'm very comfortable.

Fine. I'll give it back.

Too late. Paperwork's already processed.

- What does that mean?
- I don't know.

I'm just saying, you're the car person.

You're only hurting yourself.

- So you're really going to keep it?
- I'm sorry. It's so cute.

Unbelievable.
Remember when you had principles?

Is it 'cause it's white?

- No!
- Morning.

Hi. Is it okay
if I leave a little early?

I have an audition.

Uh, I suppose.

It's for a movie.

Ah.

Oh, God, it ate Paul!

What?

That's the whole part.
"Oh, God, it ate Paul."

That one line.

Oh. Well, it sounds like a good one.

- Not for Paul.
- Oh, have we got last night's ratings?

- Maybe.
- Maybe?

I put something on your desk.

Ah.

Yep, those were the ratings!

What were the ratings?

Nothing.

Am I totally confused
or are these ratings not good?

No, you're not confused at all.

Well, at least
I'm learning how to read them.

Should we be concerned?

Carol Rance on two.

Apparently, yes.

Hi, Carol!

Hold for Carol, please.

- Hi, guys!
- Hi, Carol.

Listen, I'm sure
you've seen the numbers.

I'm just calling to say not to worry.

Really?

Absolutely. We always
expected them to go down in week two.

It happens every time.
Sophomore slump.

We're not bothered by it,
so don't you be.

It just seems
like it's a precipitous drop.

You think?

Hey, you never like
to see them go in that direction,

but it's completely normal.

Viewers sample a show, you lose a few,

it finds its level.

Don't let it get to you.

You guys just keep
doing what you're doing.

Keep making with the funny.
We're all good.

All right...

We are so fucked!

- I know.
- What are we going to do?

- I don't know.
- Do we pull it?

And replace it with what?

I can actually
feel the acid eating my stomach.

And by the way, I spoke to Research.

It's not just that people don't like
Pucks!The dog show is killing us.

That fucking talking dog.
We had that cock-sucking dog!

How did we let it go?

You said, "If anyone
wants to pay for that piece of shit,

- "let them have it."
- I said that?

Oh.

Sounds like me.

Wait. One more piece of good news.

Oh, come on!

Andy Button is suing you and the network
for wrongful termination.

Who's Andy Button?

Andy Button. Your head of
casting for five years?

- His last name was Button?
- Button.

And he's suing us why?

He's claiming you fired him
because of his sexual orientation.

I fired him 'cause he's an idiot.

But I gotta say, Button?

That is really gay.

If you remember, you fired him

because he was the one who liked
the talking dog.

Again with the fucking dog?

Fine. Legal wants
to sit down with you next week.

My ball hurts.

Maybe 'cause you're always touching it.

Hey, when you only got one,
you like to make sure it's still there.

So, this thing with Andy...

- "Button"?
- Right.

Maybe I can talk to him
and make it go away.

- Can you?
- I'll give it a shot.

Was it always Button?

Yes, Button.

Button.

Okay.

What?

Is that a tan?

Is it?

That bloody convertible.

You could be this colour, too.

Thank you, no.
I choose to wear my ashen pallor

as a badge of honour.

- Hello?
- Hey.

I just wanted to let you guys know

I can't be at the table read today.

But Myra's covering,
so you're in good hands.

Myra?

- Isn't there anyone...
- Gotta go. Talk to you later.

Hey, you. Skinny!

Please. I've been living on
buttercream frosting and tears.

Shut up, you look great.

Sir.

My lawyer told me
not to have this lunch.

Screw him. I'm glad you did. I miss you.

I should warn you,
I'm ordering everything expensive

on this menu and taking most of it home.

- Go for it.
- And I'm not dropping the suit.

Oh, okay. So much for chit-chat.

Can I ask, do you really think

he fired you because you're gay?

I'll just say this.
One person was fired that day,

and that one person remembers what
everyone in the room was wearing.

And your lawyer
thinks that's enough to build a case on?

I have a record of four instances
where Merc

called me a cocksucker
in front of witnesses.

That's just Merc. Come on.
He calls everyone a cocksucker.

He calls me a cocksucker.

I'm just saying,
the man is not homophobic.

I wouldn't work for him if he were.

My brother is gay.

Your brother's gay? He's hot.

- The other one.
- Oh.

Look, can I say something?

As your friend, don't do this.

You'll get a reputation
for being litigious.

No one will ever hire you.

No one will hire me now.

There's nothing out there.
It's really depressing.

Let me ask you something.

If I can get Merc to say yes,

- would you come back?
- Like he ever would.

I don't know. But we need you there.

Who believed in the talking dog
when none of us did?

And look where it got me.

I'm not making any promises.

But if I can get him on board,

would you be willing to drop this

and come home?

He'd have to apologise.

- We'll see.
- And blow me.

One step at a time.

I was kidding about the apologising.

That's it for today, everybody,
thank you.

Really funny script.

I just have a few quick notes.

On page one, do we need the joke about
the iPads and the maxi pads?

- Yes.
- We do?

- Yes.
- Is it funny?

- People laughed.
- Did they?

Mmm-kay.

Why? What is it about the joke...

- She said, "Mmm-kay."
- Right. Moving on.

Mmm...

- Hey, Matt, you're wrapped for the day.
- Sweet.

Also, Merc Lapidus's wife
is here to see you.

They put her in your dressing room.

- Hey.
- I hope this is okay.

I was just on the lot
dropping something off at Merc's.

Absolutely.

Actually, I kind of have
a favour to ask.

Shoot.

I'm on the board of the LA Civic Opera.

- Oh, I love opera.
- Really?

- Oh, shit. I was making a face.
- I figured.

So what's your opera favour?

We've got this big benefit coming up

and Merc's going to
be honoured as our Man of the Year.

Oh, good for him.

We were wondering, any chance you
could present him with the award?

Oh. Sure. Absolutely.

Oh, great. That's really great.

- Thank you.
- Okay, great.

So we're not going
to talk about what happened?

No, you're right, we definitely should.

Believe it or not, I've never done
anything like that before.

Really? Then I'm very impressed.

I don't know what came over me.

I guess I was just feeling
if he could do it...

Uh, what are you saying?

Oh, come on.
Everyone knows about Merc and Carol.

Seriously? Merc and Carol?

By the way, I have a very
shocked expression on my face.

Please. You know.

Yeah, but I didn't know you knew.

I may be blind, but I'm not blind.

Okay.

Well, if there's anything else
I can do...

You're sweet.

Seriously, whatever you need.

Are we still talking about the award?

I wasn't.

Page 18.

Will anyone know who
Rudyard Kipling is?

- Yes.
- They will?

Yes.

- Do you know who he is?
- The writer guy?

There we go!
People aren't so stupid after all.

Mmm-kay... Mmm...

Page 21. Do we need the bats?

- The what?
- The bats.

Um, I'm going to go out on a limb here
and say we do not need the bats,

as there are no bats on page 21.

I wrote "bats".

That does look like "bats" but...

So, are you looking to see if there
are suddenly bats on page 21?

- Could you mean "beats"?
- What?

Here, where we've written
in the stage directions

that the actors should take a beat?

Yes.

So the pauses.
You're asking if we need the pauses?

Yes.

Well, we like the pauses.
So why don't we shoot the pauses

and then if you still don't like them,

we can always have them cut in post.

Mmm-kay.

In the scene at the ice rink,

can we establish
that Lyman's a good coach?

- Why?
- We need to know he's good at his job.

- Why?
- We need to like him.

And if he's good at his job,
we'll like him?

No, she's right. We don't like people

who aren't good at their jobs.

In fact, sometimes we hate people

who aren't good at their jobs.

Exactly.

- Hello.
- Never again.

Okay.

Forget it. I'm not going to re-hire some
cocksucker who's trying to sue me.

Okay, you need a new word.

I can't believe we're even
having this conversation.

Look, he's smart.
He's got great instincts.

I think he's a big plus.

Yeah, and what about
the new casting guy, Arnold?

- Ronald?
- Kip.

Kip? Are you sure?

Kip.

Huh.

So we're just getting rid of Kip?

No, we can keep Kip.
He'll still run Casting.

I'll put Andy on my team.

It's a lot easier than a lawsuit.

No. I don't care.
Let him take me to court.

It's bullshit
and I am not going to be blackmailed.

There's a matter of principle here.

All right. Just one question.

Do you really want New York finding out

you fired the one guy who said
we should go with the talking dog?

What else?

Golub and Meyers pitched a show
about a guy who gets downsized

and moves back to his home town.

- No.
- Okay.

Harry Zimm has a cute pilot

about a woman who gets divorced
and has to move back with her mother.

It's called Not If I Kill You First.

No. No!

No one moving back to their home town!

No relatives moving in
with other relatives!

Do you think it's possible we could

actually find something different
from the same crap

that's killing us now?

Is that asking too much?

I've got something about an alien.

Fine.

As long as he doesn't
go back to his planet

and move in with his parents.

Oh.

- Oh, my God.
- It's called Beam Me Home.

Fine. Let's try this again.

Maybe I wasn't clear.

I want one goddamn fresh idea.

Just one.

Yes. Andy. Button. Go.

What other animals can talk?

Hey.

So she's delivering the hand-jobs now?

Very convenient.

No. She came here to ask me
to present an award

at one of her charity things.

Right.

I swear. She did not give me a hand-job.

All right, it did get
a little blowy and fucky,

but totally hands-free!

- Unbelievable.
- Aw, come on!

There's nothing left to say.

The woman's husband is our boss.

The fate of our show is in his hands.

She threw herself at me!

Oh, and you couldn't
fend off the brutal blind woman?

Hey, it's hard to say no.
But I don't have to tell you that.

Meaning what?

Al the camera guy?

Saw you making out with Morning
in the parking lot last week.

That... I...

Mmm? Yes?

That... I...
That is completely different.

What I may or
may not have done with Morning

does not put our show in jeopardy.

Right. 'Cause you boning
one of your stars is good for the show.

That always works out well.

First of all,
I never said that we "boned".

Did you?

Finally! England scores!

I'd say that deserves a car.

Have you been walking around
with those in your pocket,

- just waiting to do that?
- Maybe.

Well, for the last time,
keep your bloody car.

Oh, come on!

This is the only time in your life

when someone's going to actually
give you a car. A car!

Take the goddamn car.
Don't be an asshole.

Have you been practising?

Listen to me. No car. Forget it.

You don't get to win this time.

You think this is about winning?

I don't care if you take
the fucking car.

Maybe you haven't noticed,
I don't like a lot of people,

I don't trust a lot of people.

So when I meet someone
that I actually want to hang out with,

it really pisses me off
when I screw it up.

I hate what happened with us.

So I'm trying to
do what I can to make it right.

This is the best I got.

- An Infiniti?
- What do you want, a Bentley?

It's not like I fucking
killed your wife.

- I'm never going to forgive you.
- Okay.

- I will never get past what happened.
- I get that.

I just want you to know how sorry I am.

And that I have learned my lesson.

And the fact that you're screwing
someone else's wife now...

But I'm not screwing yours.
That was the lesson.

God.

What's the likelihood
of this ending in a hug?

Very, very slim.

How about I hug you
and you just stand there?

You're a dog, why are you
even talking to my accountant?

Yeah, well,
see if you're still saying that

after you get your refund.

No offence, but I'm not
that comfortable taking financial advice

from someone who licks
other dogs' asses.

I can't help it! They're delicious.

Here, try one.

Get that out of my face.
Get it out of my face! Get it out!