Episodes (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 7 - Episode Seven - full transcript

You smell like cinnamon.

Oh. It's Joey.

What?

When Friends was really hot,

they got me to do
this cologne called Joey.

- No.
- Yeah.

I even got to pick out the scent myself.

Turns out I don't have
the most sophisticated nose.

Plus, the day we did it,

I was really hungry.

Which is why you now smell
like a cinnamon bun?



Hey, it is called Joey.

You know, just because you picked it,
doesn't mean you have to wear it.

I know. I still kind of like it.

- It didn't sell for shit.
- Shocking.

I've got boxes of it in the garage
if you ever want some.

- Uh-huh.
- My mother uses it

during the holidays as a bathroom spray.

- I thought you didn't want one.
- Oh, yeah, I gave up.

I have to say I have a vague sense
that I'm a terrible, terrible person.

In general, or because of this?

- Because of this.
- Okay.

Look...

Don't beat yourself up.

Okay?



Stuff happens.

- "Stuff happens"?
- Yeah.

Stuff happens. We did it.

We can't undo it.
What, are you gonna unfuck me?

So there you go.

Besides,

why am I feeling bad?

He did it first.

What?

Sean, with Morning.

Oh.

What?

- No, no, keep not feeling bad.
- What are you saying?

Okay.

- Seany never did a thing with Morning.
- Right.

Believe me, I would know.

I did everything but unzip him
and take it out...

He wasn't interested.

I really, really need
for that not to be true.

Hey, I'd be the first person he'd call
if he made a move with her.

I'm telling you, he did nothing.

Oh, Jesus. You really mean that.

Oh, God. Oh, my God!

Why didn't you tell me?

- I tried. You didn't believe me.
- Then, you try again!

You try until you convince me!

Anything to stop me from doing
the stupidest thing in my life.

Let me ask you something.
If I had convinced you he didn't do it,

you think there's a chance
we'd have ended up here?

Are you crazy? Of course not!

Right. See, the "self-cock-block"?

- Not my kind of move.
- Oh, God.

Oh, God.

What have I done?

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Front door ajar.

Front door ajar.

You know your front door's ajar?

I assumed you were somewhere
over Newfoundland right now.

I listened to your messages.

- All 47 of them.
- Right.

I was thinking of making them
into a one-man show.

I'd buy a ticket.

I, um...

I think I may have overreacted.

Maybe a tad.

I should have trusted you.

Would've been nice.

I'm sorry.

I'm just happy you're back.

- I'm so, so sorry.
- Oh, please.

The worst that's happened is you missed
a bizarro lunch with Merc.

Oh, and I smashed up the hire car.

- What? Are you all right?
- I'm fine. Everything's fine.

Except for the car.
That's definitely not fine.

But that's the worst that's happened.

- You smell like cinnamon.
- I had a bun.

All right, I'm only going
to ask you out once.

And I don't want you to say yes
because the team is here.

And I don't want you
to say yes because...

- No.
- Say what now?

No.

Okay, I didn't actually ask you yet,

so technically this doesn't count
as my "once".

Well, when you do,
it's still going to be no.

This is punishing.

That's fine. We'll see.

Walk away. Just walk away.

I'll see you around, Miss McCutcheon.

Have a good day, Mr. Lyman.

- Children should not have to see that.
- Shut up.

And cut!

And the Pucks! pilot is officially done!

That's a wrap.

Excuse me. Um, uh...

Bev and I would just like to say

what a wonderful
couple of weeks it's been.

Oh! Oh! Yes, absolutely.

It really has been
a little bit of heaven.

You've all done brilliant work.

And may I also say thank you

for making two foreigners
feel very welcome.

Awh!

So, yes, now we're off
to the editing room to polish this gem.

And then hopefully the powers
that be will have the wisdom

to let us all come back and
play together for many years to come.

Hear, hear!

Walk away. Just walk away.

I'll see you around, Miss McCutcheon.

Have a good day, Mr. Lyman.

Children should not
have to see that.

Shut up.

Is it any better?

I don't know. It's shorter.

So, there's less of it.

Yeah.

Do we hand it in?

I suppose.

Maybe we're just too close to it.
Maybe it's not so bad.

- Peter, what do you think?
- I agree.

- Yeah?
- It's shorter.

Why do all our pilots suck?

I sit there, I watch them
and it's just...

It's just... It's incomprehensible.

This is the Hindenburg
of development slates.

These pilots, they make me wish
that I had cancer again.

Just so I could tell people,
"You think this is bad?

"I have cancer again!"

How the fuck did this happen?

Yo, Sunshine.

That is not a rhetorical question.
How the fuck did this happen?

- I don't know.
- You're the Head of Comedy.

Why is none of your shit funny?

Some of my shit's funny.

- No?
- No!

Well, comedy is very subjective.

Oh, is it?

Is it? Oh, so is it me?

Am I being too negative?

Well, please, someone,
tell me the ones you like.

Can anyone come up with one goddamn
show that we can put on in the fall?

Oh, come on. Somebody have the balls
to say something.

I only have one
and I'm doing all the talking.

Yes. Good. Go.

I kind of liked the talking dog show.

You're fired.

Are, um...

Are you being funny?

You see, that's our problem.

No one here knows what's funny!

Go! Get out of here. Now.

- Really?
- Go!

Goodbye.

Uh, Roger, pen, please?

Anyone else?

Give me one pilot we've got
that isn't totally repellent.

The dog was funny!

- All right.
- I never thought the dog was funny.

All right, people.

You spent a year of your lives
on these things.

For Christ's sake, defend your work.

We all thought the Debra Winger
thing was pretty funny.

She was funnier dying
in Shirley MacLaine's arms.

Yeah, but that was a movie.

If I could fire you.

I still like Pucks!

No, it's not ground-breaking,
but it's fun,

and the kids are cute,
and Matt is really good.

I...I still like it.

I'm not going to fire you,
but I do think less of you.

Look, we haven't even tested
any of these things.

You don't know
what people will respond to.

I'll be happy if they don't tear
the fucking dials off the seats

and throw 'em at the screen.

What am I supposed to tell New York?

It's good they haven't called, right?

If they'd called and said it was dead,

then the show would be dead, but
no call means it's still alive, right?

- Wow.
- What?

Only you could see
the positive in nothing.

I'm just saying, there's still hope. No?

Darling, don't take this the wrong way.
I don't care.

- Well, you care.
- No. I don't.

We're going home. Home.

To proper tea and gentle irony.
To a place where no one says,

"Oh, my God, I love your accent."

I truly can't wait.

I hope it's raining.

- Hello?
Hey, there.

- It's Carol.
Hi, Carol.

I'm just calling to wish you guys
a good flight.

Thank you.

And the show? The little show?
The television show? Any word on that?

- I liked it.
- Oh, bollocks.

No, I really did.

But it didn't screen so great
over here at the network.

Some people liked it more than others.

What about Merc?

He was one of the others.

- It's not totally dead yet.
- Yet.

Right now we're showing it
to test audiences.

Who knows?
Maybe real people will respond to it.

There are real people in LA?

Oh, no, no, no.
We bus them in.

Well, thanks a lot for the call.

We've still got a load of packing to do.

Is that Charles and Camilla?

They're heading back to London tonight.

Oh, no! But I made porridge!

I'm going to miss that.

Listen, you guys,
the pilot's terrific. Great work.

Everyone here loved it.

So does that mean you're picking it up?
We're going to be on TV?

Uh, well, we're still deciding,
but you're totally in the mix.

We just have to see
how everything shakes out.

Well, I wish it were just up to me.

But no matter what,
we're going to get you back here.

You guys are too good!

We've got to do something together!

Why don't we do this together?

Fly safe.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, it's fine.

- Hey, we had fun.
- No, you didn't.

- No, I didn't.
- We should let Matt know it's dead.

I was going to run over there
and say goodbye.

I assume you don't want
to be part of that.

- That would be no.
- Yeah.

I feel like we let you down.

- Nah.
- I do.

We should have done better by you.

Hey, don't do that.

It's like your wife said,
everything that made this show worse

was totally my fault.

She told you that? When?

Uh...

I don't know. On the stage, I guess.

I didn't realize you two
were even speaking.

Oh, yeah. Now and then.
Just, like, you know, mean things.

- Hey, don't you have a plane to catch?
- Oh, yeah, I should get going.

If we miss this flight,
Bev will literally kill me.

And I literally mean literally.

Well, okay, man.

- I really hope we can keep in touch.
- Totally.

No, I know people always say that
at the end of these things,

but I mean it. This was...

This was the best part of all this.

I agree.

I don't have that many guy friends,
and this was...

- Oh, Christ, I'm making a speech.
- Dude, you are.

Yeah. So, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

- Wow. That was some moving shit.
- It was, wasn't it?

Well, me too.

Come here.

- What?
- Hug me again.

Okay, this may be why
you don't have many guy friends.

That was weird.

What's that smell?
Your cologne or whatever it is.

Oh. It's called Joey,
from back when I was doing Friends.

- It's very cinnamon-y.
- I know.

My four year old
says I smell like a candle.

Yeah, it's bizarre.
The other day Bev had the same smell.

Huh!

Well, maybe she went to a candle shop.

Girls do like the candles.

Hey, you want some? I got cases of it.

- Oh, that's all right.
- No, no, no, come on.

A going away present, huh?

I never got the whole concept
of celebrity scents.

I mean, why would anyone
want to smell like me?

Or Britney Spears? Or Elizabeth Taylor?

Have you seen her lately?
That's what you want to smell like?

- Where's the Jag?
- Uh... It's in the shop.

- I had a little accident.
- Oh, shit. What happened?

I, uh...

- I hit a deer.
- Oh my God. That's bloody dangerous.

Tell me about it.
Yeah, I was just driving along,

talking on the phone
and all of a sudden I look up

and there's this fucking deer
coming at me in the wrong lane.

- What's the right lane for a deer?
- Oh...

Oh, uh, I meant, like,
there's a deer in my lane.

So I hit the brakes and turn,
and the thing smashes into my side.

- Christ.
- Yeah.

Were you all right?

I was fine. Yeah.

The side of the car
was totally dented in.

And the deer?

It, uh, just got up and...

What, loped? Do deers lope? They lope.

Right? Well, it just loped away.

Lope.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, why?

- Ah, you seem...
- Well, you know, I'm just reliving it.

Right. Sure.

Bev was just in an accident, too.

Wow. You're kidding.
What, uh, what happened in hers?

I don't know.

She never actually gave me the details.

- Huh. Maybe it was the same deer.
- Maybe.

Here we go.

Joey.

Look at this.

"How you smellin'?"

Gee, I wonder why we didn't sell any.

That is some bad cologne...

slogan...

writing.

Dude, say something.
You're kinda freaking me out.

Actually, you're the one
freaking me out.

Why's that?

Did you...

Did you shag my wife?

What?

Did you shag my wife?

Okay, first of all, "shag"?

I thought that was just
from those Austin Powers movies.

Seriously, that's a real word?

- Oh, my God.
- Well, I just never know with you guys.

With your "crumpets" and your "blimeys".

- What is a "blimey"?
- Oh, for Christ's sake,

grow some balls to go
with that ridiculous cock and answer me.

Did you shag my wife?

Okay. All right.

She totally started it, okay.

She was driving on the wrong side
of the street...

So you fucked her?

No, no!

No, she smashed into me.

And she had a cut on her head.

So I brought her back here
to take care of it.

Oh, yeah, you took care of it,
all right. You son of a bitch!

How did this happen? She despises you.

You must have had to try
so bloody hard. What a conquest.

- What a triumph!
- It wasn't like that! It wasn't hard!

It wasn't easy!
Jesus, I don't know what to say!

- I want to leave, but it's my house!
- How could you do this?

Uh...

- Stuff happens?
- "Stuff happens?"

Apparently! Look, it wasn't like
something we planned!

Okay, believe me.

Your wife is the last woman in the world
I'd ever want to fuck!

Because she's your wife!
I'm not saying she's unfuckable!

- Oh, God, I'm trying to apologize here!
- I don't want your bloody apology!

Too bad. I'm sorry!

Okay, I'm so, so sorry.

I did a terrible thing. I get that.
I never meant to hurt you.

You fucking bastard.

Hey, what are you doing? Calm down.

- Don't get crazy.
- Or what, you'll screw her again?

- Hey, it wasn't just me, you know.
- How many were there?

No, I mean, she was there, too,
and this only happened

because she was so pissed
about you and Morning.

- There is no me and Morning!
- I know!

- So why didn't you tell her?
- I tried!

- How hard?
- Let's not focus on that!

Look, I said I'm sorry.

- I don't know what else to say.
- You're right.

- That's enough talking.
- What are doing? Hey, put that down...

Are you crazy? You don't...

- Jesus!
- Yeah?

Now how you smellin'?

Hey, stop!

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

It's nearly time to leave
for the airport and you're not back yet.

I hope you're not still there.

If we miss this flight
because the two of you

are skateboarding or rollerblading or

some other ridiculous hi-jinx.

Okay? Call me.

Mummy,
the mean man is squashing my face.

- Someone call a bobby.
- Fuck off!

Ah!

- Does it still sting?
- Of course, it bloody stings.

Well, we should go to the hospital.

Hey, you mind using this one?
Those are really just for show.

- Oh, are they?
- Yeah.

Oh, come on.

Come on, let's go to the emergency room.

- No.
- Don't be an asshole.

I don't need you to take me to hospital!

Why can't you guys say "the hospital"
like normal people?

Piss off.

Twat.

Front door ajar.

Whatever explanation you've got...

- Oh, my God! What happened?
- Don't touch me.

What?

- He knows.
- What?

- Oh, Christ!
- Yeah.

- Anyway, good luck...
- No...

What do you mean he knows?
How does he know?

He should be a fucking detective.

He just started finding
all these little clues.

- That my car was gone. My cologne...
- You're wearing enough.

He threw bottles of it at me!

- Sean?
- Uh, yeah. He was a fucking maniac.

I'm sorry. My depth perception
is still a little wonky.

- What happened to your eyes?
- Your lover tried to blind me.

- He had a cactus.
- He's not my lover!

I swear, the thought that I was
with him physically disgusts me.

I'm actually nauseated.
It makes me want to vomit.

- All right.
- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- So fucking what?

I told you he was throwing shit.

I don't care that you're sorry.

That doesn't undo what you did.

Which was only because of the thing
between you and Morning!

There was no thing
between me and Morning!

- I didn't know that!
- He did!

Hey, this is between the two of you.

Actually, I don't think
there is a "two of us".

Sweetheart, listen to me.
I realize you feel that way now...

You have no idea how I feel.

Because if you did, that would imply

you had a grain of empathy in your body.

And if that were the case,

you wouldn't have casually destroyed

the one thing that means anything to me.

- Man...
- What!

The way you guys fight.

We're like, "Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

I'm sorry, go on.

I look at you and I can't see the woman
I've been with for the last eight years.

She's still here.
She just went mad for a little bit.

I'd expect this from him. He's a bloody
animal without a moral compass.

You're... You're my partner.

You're the one person in the world
I thought I could trust.

And you can. I love you.

When we get home, I'm out.

No.

I don't see
how we can move past this.

Not to get too melodramatic,
but I think...

You've broken my heart.

My agent.

Listen, I can't talk right now,
I'm kind of in the middle of...

When?

No.

Have you guys heard anything
from the network?

What?

Wow. Pick it up.

Pick it up!

- Hello?
We're a hit!

- What?
- The test audiences loved Pucks!

Loved it? They fucking dry humped it!

It tested through the roof!
Both women and men!

Eight seven percent said
they'd watch it again.

Nobody gets numbers like that!

They loved everything
with Matt and the boys.

That they were totally invested
in the relationship

with Matt and Morning...

Did I not tell you this was the one?

That...that was you.

Wait. What are you saying?

I'm saying unpack those bloody bags!

You've got some telly to make!

Whoo-hoo!

Huh? Yeah?