Episodes (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode Three - full transcript

What was the name of that little hotel
in Cap Ferrat,

with the precarious balcony
and the fat guitar player?

Le... Bleh, bleh, bleh.

Yes.

- I liked that place.
- Mmm-hmm.

We could be there in 12 hours.

Sorry.

I'm dreading today.

I'm quite excited.

And there you have it.

No!



Let's just stay in bed all day.

Afraid not.

I'll let you have ze sex with me.

Ooh, romantic.

Hello! It's not a handle.

- That's not gonna work.
- Oh, really?

Yeah, come on. No, we have to get up.

I believe you are up.

The wit, the wordplay.
It's like being in bed with Noel Coward.

I suspect it's nothing
like being in bed with Noel Coward.

No, sweetheart.
Seriously. We can't do this.

We don't have time for this.
We have to...go...

We can't be late.

We've got a very...
We've got a very big day.



No, please don't.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck it.

All right, listen. No dawdling.
Two minutes tops.

- Five.
- Five? Are we doing it twice?

Hey, sorry we're late. Hideous traffic.
Where's the network?

- Just got here.
- Ah.

Good day, mates!

I'm afraid that's Australian.

Really?
Well, look at me. I'm Meryl Streep.

Look at you.

Matty!

- Hey!
- How are you?

Here we go. So exciting.

Love the new hockey stuff.

- Totally.
- Is anyone else hot?

Oh, wow. Someone has let herself go.

Come here, you! Oh!

They had a thing.

- Really?
- Yeah, like 15 years ago.

Fifteen years ago? How old is she?

I know. She looks amazing.
Came over on the Mayflower.

That won't get annoying.

So we should get started.
Merc has another table-read in an hour.

Oh, all right.

Everyone, shall we do this?
Apparently, we're on a tight schedule.

Hey, come on, everybody!
Listen to Mary Poppins.

We're on a schedule.

Hold the work!

Oh! Go ahead, start.
I'll be there in a sec.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Pucks! Pilot. Act One.
Interior, St. Abban's Academy Library.

The librarian, Nicola McCutcheon,
mid-20s,

is behind the desk stacking books.

Merc, it's no problem. We can wait.

What? I can't listen and lick?
Keep going. Go, go, go. It's great.

Coach Lyman enters.
He approaches Nicola.

I need a book.

A book. A book.
I'm sure we have one somewhere.

Let me ask you something.

Hot, hot, hot.

Shh!

She's just not interested in you.

- You don't know that.
- Everyone knows that.

That's not all they do.

Again.

Interior Library, Day.
Coach Lyman is with the boys...

- I don't want you to yes because...
- No.

Say what?

Children should not
have to see that.

Shut up.

Lyman and the boys exit. Fade out.

Filming starts at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.

Check the call sheets
for your start time.

So, uh, thoughts?

Um...

I think... I think you're gonna
have to buy a lot of sun block

because you are gonna be living here
for a very long time.

Ah, loved it.

Oh, my God. So funny.

It's a riot, really.

Really? We're all happy?

What, you kidding?

It's bloody fantastic.

I gotta tell you, kids, I think
we are looking at a big, fat hit.

Well.

So?

Would balaclava be funnier?
Do they call it that here?

- Don't they?
Hey.

- Oh, do you know what a balaclava is?
- No.

How about an anorak?

Now you're just making sounds.

- Can I talk to you guys about something?
- Of course.

- Morning's character, the librarian.
- Right.

Does she have to be a lesbian?

- Yes.
- Or does she?

- Yes, she does.
- Are you sure?

- Yes.
- What if she isn't?

- It would not be as good.
- Or would it?

- It would not.
- Are you sure?

- Yes.
- Right.

Let's assume
you two could do this all day.

Huge fun, but I'm gonna jump in.

Matt, what's your problem
with Nicola being a lesbian?

It just seems like
if my guy's in love with her,

but he can't ever get her, it's...

- Funny?
- It is very funny.

Not saying that. It's just...

I don't know. The whole lesbian thing,
it's kind of a dead end.

I don't know
that lesbians would agree with you.

So, what are you suggesting?

Okay, let's just say for a second,
she's not a lesbian.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

- Go on.
- Say she's straight.

You can still have all the conflict.

We still fight all the time.
She still totally hates me.

Sure.

You know, she thinks I'm arrogant.
She thinks I'm a pig.

Oh, I'm with you there.

But underneath all that,
she's attracted to me

and she hates it.

And I know it.

And she hates that I know it. Huh?

Well, clearly,
you're a master of subtext.

But what I think is
actually going on here, I think you...

And when I say you,
I'm referring, of course, to "your guy"

can't stand the idea there's a woman
who isn't attracted to you.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

- Oh, really?
- And we're back to that.

Well, Matt, look.
Let us think about this.

Why?

Darling.

All right, I'll think about it. Mmm, no.

Well, that was collaborative.

What?
I'm not going to coddle his homophobia

and pretend to entertain some notion
we both know...

Is that ever switched off?

We're not done with this.

Yo.

- Unbelievable.
- I know.

Not him, you!
Jesus Christ, what are you doing?

We talked about this.

I can't help it.
He starts speaking, and I just like...

I don't care.
The last time you pissed him off,

we found ourselves writing a show
about a hockey coach.

I don't know what new level of hell
you're hoping to relegate us to.

All right, fine. How about this?

From here on in, he's yours.

What?

So?

Matt, oh, I'm so sorry.

But I was supposed to be in Wardrobe
20 minutes ago.

I'm afraid I must run.

Aw!

Oh, I'm sure you and Sean
can sort out any concerns you may have.

I'll see you both later.

She's fun.

She's just very passionate
about the work.

Ah! Lucky you.

Listen, that was this chef I gotta
go check out for my new restaurant.

If I don't do it today,
we could lose him.

You wanna come?
We could talk on the way?

Uh, all right.

So, about this lesbian thing,
I hear what you're saying, I really do,

but I think what's important to remember
about the character is that...

Fuck me!

Tell me that's not yours.

You like?

Oh! I read there was only three
in the whole world.

Yup. Me, the Sultan of Brunei
and some drug guy.

Oh, it's magnificent.

Here.

And that's why I was never picked.

- Really?
- Go for it.

I am so happy.

Oh!

Oh!

- Get a room.
- Can I?

Oh, I wish I knew how to drive.

Look at me!
How cool do I look driving this?

Seriously?

Even I don't look cool
with you driving this.

Right.

So, should we get back to your issue
with Morning's character?

Sure.
I totally understand what you and...

I keep wanting to call her Betsy.

Oh, no. Don't do that.

Her mother's name is Betsy.
She hates it.

Oh! Well, now I gotta call her Betsy.

Oh, brilliant.

Turn right here.

Where is this chef?

Las Vegas.

Ah! What do you think?

For?

Morning. In the first library scene.

Um, it's very...

Fabulous.

I was gonna say Doctor Seuss.

I think it's fun.

No, no. It is definitely fun,
but she's a librarian.

Not someone who might have relatives
in Whoville.

No, no. You remember we talked about
her being a strong, confident woman.

Well, who else would wear this?

I don't know.

Maybe a cat, perhaps in a hat?

Okay, okay.

But we want her
to look young, though, right?

- I mean, she's playing late 20s.
- Absolutely.

How old do you think she is,
actually?

- Morning?
- Mmm.

No one knows.

But I've got a friend who did a pilot
with her and William Shatner

back in the '80s.

- The '80s?
- Mmm.

Well, what did she play,
his granddaughter?

How about his wife?

Mmm, I know it's crazy, right?

That girl, somewhere she's got
a painting of herself,

and it's looking like all kinds of shit.

Mmm. Mmm!

This guy's fucking amazing.

- Did you try the prawns?
- Genius.

And the catfish, it's like
the food version of your car.

Dude, you are blowing me away here.

My pleasure.

You speak Thai?

Just the basic stuff,
"Please. Thank you.

"How much for the girl?"

Hello.

Where are you?

- I'm with Matt.
- Still?

Is that Betsy? Hi, Bets!

What was that?

Matt says hi. Listen,
you should probably take the car home.

- I may be a while.
- What's going on?

We're in Las Vegas.

Vegas, Betsy!

Las Vegas?

Yeah, Matt had to check out
the chef for his restaurant,

and then we have to go to the opening
of some new club.

- Oh, give me the phone.
- And I'll be home tonight.

- He's got a plane.
- Give me.

- But you...
- I'll call you later.

I love you. Bye. Stop it.

Remind me. Who's doing that
shitty talking dog pilot?

We are.

Well, might be funny.

Wait. Bad news.

- We lost John Stamos.
- Fuck.

I just got off the phone with the agent.

He's definitely taking that thing
at ABC.

That fucking cocksucker.

He's your son's godfather.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy.

What the... Not now.

Oh, boo.

So, now we're back to square one.

And this would be for?

EasyMarks, the con man thing.

I know.

Stamos would have been perfect.
I'll get you a new list.

Hey, what about Matt LeBlanc?

What about Pucks!?

- You think?
- I still like it.

We'll see.

- Nipple, nipple, nipple.
- No.

Nipple, nipple?

My father's a neurologist,
my mother's an orthopedic surgeon.

Both my brothers are surgeons.

It's amazing I'm sitting here talking to
you and not removing someone's spleen.

You ever want to be a doctor?

Yeah, I went to university for it.

Somewhere along the line, though,

I realized I find the interior
of the human body disgusting.

Yeah, people are gross.

What about you?

What would you be doing
if you hadn't done this?

I would have either been
a Formula 1 driver.

- Of course.
- Or a porn star.

Impressive.
Not just a porn actor, a porn star.

Yeah, well, I kinda have what you need
to make it in that business.

What? You're speaking...

- Anatomically?
- Yeah.

- It's ridiculous. Like a third arm.
- Seriously?

- Yeah, well, without the hand.
- I assumed.

Uh... Congratulations?

Hey, I had nothing to do with it.
I was born this way.

When they saw my sonogram,
they thought I was twins.

Yeah.

Hey, are you winding me up?
I'm very na?ve.

I'm telling you,
it's got everything but an elbow.

I gotta take a leak.

You want to see it?

Uh, no. I don't think so.

- Sure?
- Yeah.

I'm sure. But thank you.

Whatever. Be right back.

- I still don't get it.
- How can you not get it?

Are you sure you're telling it right?

Fuck you.
I've told it like a million times.

Oh, of course.
Maybe you left something out.

What? The bear goes in.
He eats the guy, then he eats the girl.

Then he comes out and he says...

Turn right here.

This may take a while.
This guy never lets us...

Hey, how's it going?

All right, man.

Well, thanks for schlepping around
with me today.

Hey, it was a pleasure being schlepped.

Listen, before I go in,

- I promised Beverly...
- You mean Betsy.

Stop it. I promised her
we'd discuss that lesbian business.

Oh, I love lesbian business.

- Finished? Right.
- Yeah.

You've seen the original show.

There's something wonderful
about your character

loving this woman he can never have.

He refuses to believe
that one day she won't come around.

I mean, yeah,
it makes him look a little foolish,

but it's funny and sweet.

I agree.

You do?

Absolutely.
It's one of the best things in the show.

It humanizes the guy.
You totally feel for him.

Then why change it?

How many years you do the show
in the UK?

Four series.

- That's how many episodes?
- Twenty-four.

Right. That's one season for us.

Friends did 236 episodes.

You gotta give yourself places
for stories to go.

How long do you think
Ross and Rachel would have lasted

if Rachel had been a lesbian?

Or Sam and Diane on Cheers?

Or Frasier and...

I don't know who.
I never watched that show.

Look, you're the writer.

But I'm telling ya,
audiences need something to root for.

And when we're in Season Three

and you're up at midnight
looking for stories,

you're gonna be banging your head
against the wall saying,

"How many times
can this guy hit on the dyke?"

Front door ajar.

Front door ajar.

Oh, my God.

I know.

- How are you?
- Exhausted.

- I can imagine. Las Vegas.
- Yeah.

And all day with him.
What was that like?

It was fine.

- Fine?
- Yeah, I don't know. I guess it was fun.

Fine and fun.

Fine and fun.

You like him.

- I do.
- You twat.

I'm sorry. I know that's not what
you want to hear, but he's fantastic.

He's crazy and generous and very funny.
We laughed all day.

You're smitten.

Hardly. All right, a little smitten.

Just a smit. He let me drive his car.

Yeah, I know that doesn't mean
anything to you, but oh, my God!

And Vegas, Vegas is mad.
Going into this club,

there were all these paparazzi
shouting at Matt, shouting at me.

- Why you?
- Because I was with him.

And then we got inside,
and I met Lindsay Lohan.

And some people from The Hills,
which I have no idea what that is,

but everyone was very excited.

And that girl from that film
that we walked out on.

- Sounds like a glamorous crowd.
- It really was.

Sarcasm missed.

Anyway, we hung out there for a while,

then he showed me his cock
and we flew home.

- I'm sorry, what?
- He showed me his cock.

- He showed you his cock?
- Right.

- Why?
- Because it's enormous.

Like a sea creature.
Like something out of Jules Verne.

Oh, my God.

- You can't imagine.
- I don't want to.

So, help me here. Did you ask to see it?

No. No, that would be weird.

- Ah, yes.
- He offered.

- And this is happening where?
- At the club.

Well, he just hauled it out
in the middle of a club?

No. No, I followed him into the loo.

- This is a very unsettling story.
- That's pretty much all there is to it.

I would hope so.

Oh, you have to see
all this free stuff I got.

Before the club, we met this designer
who just gave us all these clothes.

- Why?
- So Matt would wear them.

- Again, why you?
- Because I was with him!

Now, apparently, these are very hip.

It says "Blood Rat."

Yeah, that's the name of the label.

You're not gonna wear that?

I might.

It says "Blood Rat."

It's cashmere. It's very soft.
Also these trousers.

The stains are intentional. I asked.
Some shirts. This cap.

And look at these glasses.

What do you think?

I think you look like a bloody idiot.

I understand why
they're giving their clothes away.

They're desperately trendy,
rodent-themed and, by the way,

would it have killed you
to bring something back for me?

Oh.

- These might look quite...
- Don't.

Don't suppose you even talked
about the lesbian thing.

We did.

- And?
- We're on the same page.

Oh, well, that's something.

He's right.

I'm just saying,
if you take the long view,

makes more sense for the characters,
you know?

I mean, if this show
goes four or five years...

If this show goes four or five years,
hopefully I'll be long dead,

and you and your new partner
can sort it out.

You know, I think I look like
a bit of an arsehole in this.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be a thoughtless prick.

I just get carried away.

Yes, you do.

You know, you might look
quite sexy in this.

In "Blood Rat"?

Maybe under a tasteful blazer.

It is soft,
if you can ignore the bleeding rodent.

And you're welcome
to these stained trousers if you like.

I think not.

He really let you see his willy?

When I close my eyes,
I'm still seeing it.

It's that big?

It could attack a city.

- Did you show him yours?
- No!

The situation was humbling enough
as it was.

I don't think
you've got anything to be ashamed of.

There's something to be said
for human proportions.

- Ow. "Human proportions"?
- Oh, you know.

- Hello.
- Hey.

Is Sean there?

Hello, Matt.

Hey, Betsy. Is he around?

It's your boyfriend.

Hello.

Hey. You were right.
I fucked up the punch line.

The bear goes in...

Well, that makes more sense.

Aw, he's so scared.

Guys, let me out!

Did you lock Dawson in there again?

- No.
Yes, they did.

Come on, you guys. We talked about this.

You're a team!

You've got to support each other,
treat each other with respect.

So long as you keep pulling crap
like this, you're never gonna win.

He said the puck has more brains
than you do.

Well, let's give him another five.

Cut!

That's great. Great. Moving on!

- Was that too big?
- No, I thought it was fun.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

You notice how he only looks at you now.

Maybe he thinks you don't like him.

- I don't.
- Well...

That's not it. I don't like a lot
of people, and they all look at me.

- You did say he was mine.
- I don't care. It's rude.

And what's all this business
about him calling me Betsy?

Oh, I told him not to do that.

No, I said it was your mother's name,
and you'd hate it.

What? Well, it's just like
giving him a gift, isn't it?

You smoke?

Oh, it's okay. My agent knows.

Can I bum one?

Sure.

Oh, Beverly. I found Beverly.
She's right here.

Beverly, you seen Sean?

Yeah, he should be in there somewhere.
Why?

Oh, Matt needs him.

He wants to change some lines
in the hockey scene.

Did he just ask for Sean,
not the two of us?

Uh...

Yeah.

- Where is Matt?
- In his dressing room.

Beverly's coming to talk to Matt.

Who is it?

It's Betsy!

Come on in.

What's up?

We need to speak.

Okay. Have a seat.

Clearly, you have a problem with me.

Now, I don't know whether it's that
you're uncomfortable around strong women

or you're threatened by me
in particular,

or maybe you just don't like me.

Well, that's fine.
We don't have to like each other.

However, we do have to remain...

Professionals.

And that means...

That means treating each other
with mutual respect.

My husband and I created the show
together, so I...

I would appreciate you according me
every courtesy you give him.

If you...

- What?
- If you...

Have thoughts on a scene,
you talk to me as well as him.

If you want to change a line,
you come to both of us, not just him.

I believe I have earned
that right.

You're right. It was unprofessional.
I apologize.

Well, thank you.

I can promise you
it will never happen again.

I would appreciate that.

Can I say one thing
in the interests of mutual respect?

Certainly.

My eyes are up here.
I'm not a piece of meat.

Here you go.