Episodes (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode Two - full transcript

Matt LeBlanc?

Right.

Matt LeBlanc? To play Lyman?

Well, I said it's a different way to go.

For the erudite,
verbally dexterous headmaster

of an elite boy's academy,

you're suggesting Joey?

Look,
he's probably wrong for it.

Probably?

- He is very funny.
- He really is.

I even liked him in that monkey movie.



What monkey movie?

Well, please just take the meeting.

You know, as a courtesy for Merc.

He really wants to get Matt over here
to the network,

and so far, this is the only project
he's interested in doing.

Matt LeBlanc wants to do our show?

Are you kidding? Dying to.

He saw it when he was in England
shooting a movie.

Huge fan.

- Really?
- So what?

So, can I tell Merc
you'll take the meeting?

It's one lunch. You know, as a courtesy.

Yeah, fine, fine.
We'll take the meeting.

Awesome. Also, Merc wanted me
to pass on a little invitation.



He's having a dinner party
at his house on Saturday night,

and he'd love you guys to come.

As a courtesy?

It's a very big deal.
I've never been to his house.

I've driven past it.

Please tell Merc we would love to come.
We can't wait.

Aw. Kisses to you, too.

- You're kidding.
- What?

What? She almost tripped
over your tongue.

You really like that?

- Yes.
- They're so obviously fake.

- Yes.
- That doesn't bother you?

She's not hurting anybody.

Uh, I think it's under Lincoln.

They're asking if we have the financing?

Screw that. Tell 'em we're looking
at another location

and if we're not closed
by the end of today,

the whole thing is off the table. Bye.

Sorry. Trying to buy a restaurant.

I'm Beverly. This is Sean.

Hey.

So, I'm here why?

Uh, well, to talk about our show.

- What show?
- Brilliant.

Did you recently
shoot a movie in England?

No.

So, you're not a huge fan?

Of England? Eh...

No, no. Uh, of us.

Oh, you. No.

Well,
this isn't at all awkward.

Let me ask you something.

Would you go to a restaurant
where you roll your own sushi?

Absolutely not.

See, that's what I'm afraid of.

Oh, one sec. You won't believe this.

Now they're trying to add an extra
charge for the kitchen equipment?

Well, they can go fuck themselves.

This is so cool. I just type in F-U
and it knows I mean fuck.

Science, the gifts you've given us.

So, you guys have some sort of show?

Yes, it's a comedy. It's been
on in the UK for four years.

Well, that explains the accents.

Go on.

Do you want to finish that before we...

No, no. I'm with you. You're English,
you have some sort of show...

Uh, well, yeah. It's about a headmaster
of an elite prep school

and his relationship with the students
and the various teachers.

So, it's History Boys.

- What?
- History Boys.

You've seen History Boys.

The Alan Bennett play. Yeah.

Our show is nothing like History Boys.

Theirs was set in a grammar school.
Ours takes place at a boarding school.

Theirs was about a history teacher.

Ours is about a headmaster
and several other teachers.

Okay. Okay, so it's History Boys meets
you saying it's not History Boys.

It's not History Boys.

All right. I take it back.
It's not History Boys.

What's it called?

- Lyman's Boys.
- Ah.

We had the name first.

And so what? You want me for
the old fat guy's part? Thanks.

- We don't want you.
- Again, thanks.

No, what she means is, um...

Uh, the network suggested you.

It would never have occurred to us.

Uh, well, it's such
a different way to go.

But we are huge admirers of your...

Yo. No, that was supposed to say fuck.

Why would I say go fun yourself?

No.

No!

No.

No, no, no, no.

No.

No. No.

N-O, no.

No!

No.

Yo.

They loved you.

Who?
- The British people.

They loved me?

Carol Rance just called
from the network.

She said they loved you
and they want you.

Huh.

That's good. It's very good.

- I don't know.
- What?

Don't know that I loved them.

Well, maybe you can learn to love them.

Merc Lapidus really
wants this to happen.

I got a money truck ready
to drive up to your house.

- How big a truck?
- It's a big truck. Lotsa wheels.

We talking like new restaurant money?

Yeah, we're talking
chain of restaurants money.

Nice truck. But have you heard the part?

This fat old headmaster
of some private school.

So they'll change the part.
They'll make it something else.

Whatever you want.

Come on, it's the Matt LeBlanc Show.

Tell me more about the money truck.

It's a truck and it's full of money.

Right up to the house?

You won't even have
to go to the mailbox.

Wallace, you know us.
We go through this every day.

How can you not remember?

We waved to you
when we left this morning.

Everybody waves.

- Name?
- Lincoln.

- Lincoln.
Lincoln.

- With an L.
- Like the car,

the tunnel in New York,
your dead president.

I'll check.

- Hello.
- We got Matt LeBlanc.

Yay!

- What?
Can you believe it?

No.
You said it was a courtesy.

It was. But he said yes.

Whoo-hoo!

Not his courtesy, our courtesy.

Either way, we're over the moon here,

and the best part,
Merc's excited about the show again.

When did he stop being excited
about the show?

Never.

Thank you.

Bloody hell, that's a Rothko.
He has a Rothko in his house.

Do you realize what that's worth?

Some of these women are so thin.

No, darling, tell me,
what is a Rothko worth?

No, seriously.

Look at that one.
My arm weighs more than she does.

Don't look at my arms.

Oh, top of the evenin' to ya, blokes.

Hello.

- Thank you so much for having us.
- Your home is beautiful.

The art, amazing.

Oh, well, that's all Jamie.

I just pay for it.

Uh, hey. Have you guys met my wife yet?

Uh, excuse us.

This is Jamie.
Honey, these are those English writers.

Sean and Beverly, uh...

- Lincoln.
- I know.

- So nice to meet you.
- Welcome to LA.

So, are you ready to go back
to England yet?

- Hardly.
- In a heartbeat.

Well, if there's anything you need,
please call me.

And not like an LA call me. I mean it.

Make sure this one gives you my number.

Well, thank you. That's so sweet.

Ooh, Arthur and Madeline just got here.

Oh, would you excuse me for a moment?

- She's lovely.
- She's the best.

Uh, and blind.

Uh, yes.

- Two years now.
- Really?

Yeah. We're in Hawaii,
she eats some kind of bad fish.

Boom, has a toxic reaction,
goes into a coma for two weeks.

When she comes out of it, blind.

- Oh, my God.
- That's horrifying.

Yeah. That was not a good vacation.

Plus, it rained practically every day.

Well, Kauai. That's why it's so lush.

Yes. Uh, well, for someone who's
only been sightless for a short time,

she seems amazingly capable.

- Mmm.
- She's worked so hard.

She's my hero.

I mean, she falls down a lot.

For some reason,
she's not doing it tonight,

but you should see her shins.
Bruises. Yeech.

Whenever I offer to help her, she's
like, "No, I have to do it myself."

And I'm like, "But it's gonna take
so much longer that way."

But she's gotta do it.

Takes us forever
to get out of the house.

Well, on the other hand, she shops less.

Look at that view.

- Ooh.
- Hi, kids.

- Hey, Carol.
- Hi, Carol.

So, having fun?

- Absolutely.
- Uh...

Ooh, those look good.

We have a Kobe beef
on a toasted brioche,

topped with crispy potato
and a horseradish cr?me fraiche.

Mmm.
- Mmm. Not saying no to that.

Oh, um, you know, I'm fine.

Oh, come on.
At a certain point, I say screw it.

I'm never gonna look like them.
I mean, I don't want to look like them.

Life's too short.

Thank you.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Yum.

So, have you guys said hi to Matt yet?

Oh, Christ, he's here?

Yeah, out in the garden.
You should go say hello.

Why?

Uh, maybe because
he's the star of our show?

- What?
- When you say it, it makes it real.

Oh, come on. He's gonna be great.

Now, get out there and make nice.
Come on.

You gotta do it.
No one's here to have fun.

Oh, God.

Be nice.

- You speak first then.
- Okay.

Uh, excuse me. Hey, it's you guys.

- Hello, sir.
- Matt.

- Hi.
Hey.

Know what I've been doing
the last two days?

Texting?

Watching tapes of your show.
It's fantastic.

Really?

Like you don't know? Oh, my God.

So funny. And smart. Jesus, I love it.

You're serious?

Uh, yeah.
And it's totally not History Boys.

Thank you.

- I love the writing, the characters.
- Oh, wow.

Yeah, and we gotta do it
like you did it over there,

casting real kids, not TV kids.

That's the key.

- That is the key.
- Oh, and the librarian?

- Nicola.
- Yeah. Great part.

You guys have anyone in mind yet?

No, um, the network has sent us a
list of people

they're really excited about.

- Like who?
- Well, we didn't know any of them.

A couple of Heathers,
a bunch of Jennifers.

Somebody Dushku?

Yeah, well, don't let them force you
to cast anyone you don't want.

- All right.
- I mean it.

If they start pushing you around,
let me be the bad guy.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a lot harder for them to fuck
with me than fuck with you.

Besides, Merc and I go way back.

I've known him since he ran NBC Sports
and used to get me Laker girls.

Wow. Good to know.

Yeah. We gotta get
someone great for Nicola.

She's gotta be strong and smart
and classy.

- Right.
- And also beautiful.

But, like, in a real way.

- She can't act, can she?
- Uh, what? Oh, that's... I don't know.

That's her, classy.

I believe I have chardonnay up my nose.

Uh, dinner is being served.

Oh, thank God.

Well, who saw that coming?

He's actually charming.
How did that happen?

It's like a magic trick.
Does he seem taller than the other day?

Yes. And smarter.
I had no idea he was so smart.

He's still wrong for the part.

Oh, he's totally wrong,
but he has such nice hair.

I brought an extra suitcase
filled with nothing but toys,

but when we got to
the orphanage and opened it,

the children just sat there uncertain.

One of the nuns told us
that some of these children

had never actually seen a toy,
much less had one of their own.

It just makes you appreciate so much.

One of the things I brought was a doll

that I'd given my niece for Christmas.

You know, she just played with it once
and had gotten bored with it.

Well, I handed it to this little girl,
and she clutched it to her chest

and told one of the nuns
it was the best day of her life.

Oh, and that was Togo.

I mean, then we were on to Zambia.
The children there, oh.

You guys have kids?

No. Do you?

- Two boys.
- Oh. Didn't realize you were married.

Not any more.

He said vehemently.

It was not one of the good ones.

- No?
- No.

We never should've done it.

We were totally wrong
for each other, like...

Oil and water.

More like oil and something that sleeps
with oil's best friend.

Oh, my God.

I don't understand how women do that,
with two children.

Uh, no, no. No, no. It was me.

I slept with her best friend.
I was not a good husband.

Apparently not.

But I am a very good dad.

That's Aiden,
and the little one's Michael.

Oh, they're gorgeous.

And they seem very sweet.

They can drive you crazy.

Don't ever ask 'em
what a dinosaur sounds like,

especially if you're in a car.

But, yeah, they're pretty amazing.

They're the best thing
I've ever done in my life.

- Anyway...
- Right.

It's a Marc Wilson.

No, I know, but an early one, before
he decided the only color was brown.

Amazing collection, huh?

Oh, brilliant.

You should see, in the master bedroom,
there is a Nevelson

that... It should be in a museum.

- Really?
- Mmm.

- Are we allowed up there?
- Probably not.

Um, would you mind
not mentioning to anyone

that I've been in the master bedroom?

All right.

Oh.

I just wouldn't want anyone
to get the wrong impression.

Absolutely.

She's sleeping with her boss.

Wouldn't want to be that girl.

No.

Especially since his wife is blind.

Right.
Because that would make me...

A monster.

Yes.

Even if it started before she went...

- Still not good.
- Right.

Yeah.

And here they're pretending they
don't know I'm taking their picture,

but look,
they're both giving me the finger.

I assume their father taught them that.

Before they could even talk.

I've never actually seen
a "fuck you" finger that tiny.

- Pretty cute, huh?
- Mmm-hmm.

That's one of the things
I'm looking forward to with our thing,

working with kids.

Talk to me three weeks in.
They're like sticky animals with agents.

I gotta say, I'm so excited.
It's an awesome part.

- Thank you.
- I've never played anyone like him.

I'm sure.

Be honest. Did the network
force me down your throats?

Sean would tell you no.
Sean would be lying.

- I'm totally wrong for it, aren't I?
- Spectacularly wrong.

I knew it. I'm so screwed.

If it helps,
we're screwed with you.

Hey, no one likes to be screwed alone.

So, what do we do?

Uh, I'm not sure. It's just you
as the headmaster of a school.

I know.

Ooh. I mean,
you're obviously very intelligent.

Really?

Mmm, Sean and I were just saying
how smart you are.

Wow. There's a conversation
that doesn't happen a lot.

But for this role...

Well, what if I wasn't the headmaster?

What if I was someone else
at the school?

Um, that would change
the show considerably.

Come on, you gotta help me here.
I kinda need this to be a hit.

Or at least something
they can't make fun of on a talk show.

- Um, perhaps...
- Good. Perhaps is good.

Perhaps, you could be, I don't know,
um, a history professor

with a passion for military campaigns.

Or a coach.

Uh, a coach?

Like a wrestling coach,
throwing the kids around.

Well, um, see, that would be
a very different kind of show.

See, there's a level of sophistication.

Hmm. Right. Okay.
Uh, what about lacrosse?

That's got your whole
sophisticated thing going there, huh?

Bam!

Well, um, let me talk to Sean
and see what he thinks.

Great. And, hey, look,
at the end of the day,

it's whatever you guys want.
It's your show.

- Thank you.
- Are you kidding? Thank you.

Hey, speaking of kids,
I just saw this documentary of...

I just had an interesting conversation,

which I agreed not to share.

So, what are you talking about here?

Oh, uh, Matt was about to tell me
about this documentary.

Oh, yeah. It's about these kids
with Tourette's syndrome.

You gotta see it. It's so funny.

- Funny?
- Oh, my God.

- Children with Tourette's?
- I know.

I felt guilty laughing,
but I'm telling you,

they're interviewing
this one little girl, so cute,

and all of a sudden she's like,
"Shit, shit, shit, shit!"

And you found that funny?

Well, hey, I said I felt guilty,
but come on,

little kids cursing?

- No?
- I need to believe you're joking.

Uh, no.

What do you say we find another topic?

- You haven't seen it.
- I don't need to see it.

Tourette's is a horrible affliction.
Uh, it's not just swearing.

These people suffer from
compulsive facial and vocal tics,

and there's no cure.

So, I guess you're the funny one.

Let me ask you a question.

- Carol's having an affair with Merc!
- Who's Carol?

What if one of your sons had it?

What if your own child was compelled
to say these terrible things?

Would it be funny then?

It depends on what he was saying.

- Did you just laugh?
- No.

- You did. You laughed.
- I didn't. I swear.

Excuse me.

- What?
- Well, what? That thing.

What thing?

That whippy thing. Well, are you
implying that my husband is whipped?

I don't know. Is he?

Right, this is not the other topic
I was looking for.

Now, when you say whipped, what type
of whipped are we talking about exactly?

- You're an infant. You're an infant.
- Just trying to clarify.

No. Are you trying to get me
to say the word pussy?

I can say pussy.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

I want to be in this conversation.

- Thank you for coming.
- It was lovely to see you again.

- Bye.
- Bye, Jamie. Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming.

Well, you handled that well.

Do you believe him? Whipped?
You're not whipped. Are you whipped?

That may not be the tone you want
when you're asking me that question.

You're not whipped, are you?

No, darling. I'm merely
browbeaten and henpecked.

Oh, God. I just want to get out of here.

Hideous, hideous night.

Oh, is someone there?

It's Sean and Beverly.

I'm afraid we have to go.

We had a wonderful time.

Don't worry. It gets easier.

Arr, we be goin' now, are we?

And now we're pirates. Very good.

Matt's been telling me
about the changes for his character.

- What?
- Wait 'til you hear.

Uh, uh, changes?

Yeah, well, he's not gonna
be a headmaster any more.

- How's that?
- I love that he's a coach.

- A coach?
- A lacrosse coach.

Love it!
- That's much more relatable.

Hey, hey. It was Beverly's idea.

- Really?
- No, I never said coach.

Well, she said she couldn't
see me as a headmaster.

- Did she?
- You said it, too.

To you.

What is a headmaster anyway?
Do people even know?

Probably not.

Now, we didn't commit to anything.

Well, commit to it. It's perfect.

I agree. She's so smart.

Just not sure about lacrosse.
Is it too lacrossey?

- I know what you mean.
- How about hockey?

Ooh. Hockey works. We can call it Pucks!

I'd watch.

Uh, before we start measuring
for uniforms, can we all take a breath?

I'm telling you, this is so much better
than your old show.

How would you know?
You've never even seen our show.

I've seen your show.
Of course, I've seen your show.

Who told you I haven't seen your show?

I don't...

Did you tell them
I haven't seen their show?

Uh, I...

Uh, no. Um, no,
Carol didn't say it. I...

I was just trying to make a joke.
It was a joke.

You haven't seen our show.

I don't get it.

He's the funny one.

What a great night.

Maybe next time you can shoot someone.

First of all, I did not tell him
he could play a coach.

Did you tell him that
he couldn't play a coach?

No, but...

Did you mention it would
change the show completely?

That we'd have to throw out
all our scripts?

He said he would let it be our decision.

And he very well might have if you
hadn't completely antagonized him

over that bloody documentary.

What was I supposed to do?
Just go along with him?

Oh, a film about afflicted children.
Hilarious!

Yes. You go along.
That's what the rest of us do.

We go along. Because we know
that if you don't go along,

you end up writing a show called Pucks!

Honey, just once, could you not
make everything harder?

Evening.
- And you're here to see?

Oh, no. No, no, no.
Not tonight, Wallace.

Don't pull that shit with us.

Now open the motherfucking,
bloody bastard,

pain in the ass, dick cheese stinking,
dirty, shitty, wanking,

fucking bloody fucking bastard,
fucking stupid cunt of a fucking gate!

Tourette's.