Episodes (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode One - full transcript
BAFTA-winning sitcom Lyan's Boys script writers Sean and Beverly Lincoln are startled by US studio boss Merc Lapidus's offer to work on a remake in Hollywood. Sean persuades suspicious Bev, who is at least impressed by the grand, albeit fake, residence they get to use, despite the insufferably dull security guard. Their superb Shakespearian lead star Julian Bullard was supposed to be part of the deal, but Lapidus insists on a 'formality audition', which goes wrong on account of accent prejudices. The Brits are startled to hear the studio intends to sign up sitcom (Friends, Joey) star Matt LeBlanc. Yet by now they know the studio isn't committed to anything content-wise.
What are you doing?
Bev, what are you doing? Stop.
- No. No!
- Please.
I'm going home. You stay.
You're obviously flourishing here.
Is this because I went surfing today?
Okay, obviously it's not
because I went surfing.
Bev, come on, talk to me.
Bev! Bev!
Look, I realize LA
hasn't exactly been your favorite.
This isn't about LA.
Front door ajar.
Wait. Is it about the show?
It's one more day of shooting.
A week in post.
Move.
Front door ajar.
One week. Then the work'll be done
and we can both leave together
with our heads held high.
Heads held high?
Have you not seen our heads?
It's all we can do to not kick them
when we walk.
All right, look,
we've made some compromises...
This isn't about the fucking show.
Front door ajar.
Well, then what is it about?
Front door ajar.
- Does this bitch ever shut up?
- Front door ajar.
- You know what this is about.
- What?
Morning? Oh, my God!
Look, I'm telling you,
I have no interest in her at all.
I saw you wanking to her
the other night.
What? I...
No, I... How did...
How did... Who did... What did...
Front door ajar.
All right.
There may have been a little wanking.
But there is nothing between us.
- I just saw you with her.
- What?
I saw you with her! Just now!
I saw you hugging her
in front of our house!
She wasn't here! She... There was...
She wasn't...
Ernesto! Ernesto!
- What?
- Please turn that off!
I'm sorry, did you want me?
I wanted you to turn off
the leaf blower.
- I did.
- Yeah. Now.
But before, I couldn't...
Hey, Bev! No. No. Wait.
Bev, stop! You're on the wrong side.
No, Sean. You're on the wrong side.
That's not what I meant.
Automated dialing.
Call Bob.
- Command.
- Call Bob.
Dialing Mom.
No. Not Mom. Bob.
Cancel. Cancel! Stop.
Hello?
Hey, Ma, it's Matt.
Nothin', just called to say hi.
And the BAFTA award goes to
Sean and Beverly Lincoln
for Lyman's Boys!
There you are! Oh, you bloody bastards.
You've done it again. Again.
Stop doing it!
- We're so sorry.
- We promise, never again.
Yeah, you fuckers,
that's what you said last year.
No, no, honestly.
I'm, you know, really pleased for you.
That is sweet.
Thank you.
Oh, he's so not pleased.
No, he's not.
Well, I'm happy for us.
I'm just happy.
How soon can we leave?
Don't know. Have we made enough people
feel bad about themselves?
Oh, my God.
What? Who's that?
- It's Merc Lapidus.
- Who?
Merc Lapidus.
- Repeating, it doesn't help me.
- From America. He's president of...
Winners! Forgive me.
Don't wanna interrupt.
Merc Lapidus. I'm the president...
Please. We know who you are.
Hi. Sean and Beverly.
Ah.
And you! With the funny speech.
Oh, that's not necess... Oh. All right.
You know what my fantasy is?
I'm gonna guess. Either shoes or nuns.
My fantasy is I wake up tomorrow
and I've got your show on my network.
Well, that's very flattering.
No, no. I'm not just blowing smoke here.
I love your show. I love it.
Seriously, I wanna have sex
with your show.
I'm telling you,
an American version would be huge.
It could be like The Office meets...
- Our show?
- Yes.
But, but we'd have to do it right.
No farming this one out
to some shitty American writers.
I want what's in these amazing
British-y heads.
What, us come to LA?
- That's interesting.
- Is it?
Uh, oh. She's giving you the wife look.
Whoa, now she's giving me the wife look.
Oh, hello.
Have you guys tried these?
Oh, what are these little berries?
They're genius. They're like...
They're like magic berries.
- They're actually loganberries.
- Loganberries.
Now I want to have sex
with your show and these berries.
And when I was a little girl,
my grandmother lived in Yorkshire
and had loganberries in her garden.
Every summer we'd pick the berries
and she'd make jam.
Fuck. My grandmother
lives in Morristown, New Jersey,
and hates black people.
So, what do you say?
Come play with us, hmm?
I need Lyman's Boys.
We got four places on my schedule,
I could put it right now.
This is very flattering.
And we've all had a bit to drink.
No, not me. Not in seven years.
I'm an alcoholic.
But, evidently, not anonymous.
Come on.
We'll get you a house, a car, name it.
How hard could it be?
You've already written the scripts.
They're perfect the way it is.
I mean, you'll work minutes 20 a day,
the rest of the time,
you can screw in the pool.
Oh, you hear that? We'd get a pool.
All right, look.
If you don't wanna do it, it's fine.
Hey! Maybe you don't like money.
But I had to ask.
When I had cancer...
That's right.
I realized two things.
If you want something, go for it.
God doesn't wait for you. And also,
you do not want cancer.
You're already there, aren't you?
- No.
- Yes, you are.
You're having brunch
with Angelina Jolie.
My God, you're already starting to tan.
Aren't you?
No.
Thank you. Good night.
Ooh!
Jesus.
"Come taste our berries.
Your biggest fan, Merc Lapidus."
How did he do this?
We left him less than an hour ago.
I can't believe he even remembered
that stupid loganberry story.
I can't believe he knows where we live.
You really want to move to LA?
You're always taking the piss out of it.
Only because it's never wanted me.
I'm very petty that way.
But why do it? Our lives are here,
our friends are here.
Who would you miss?
We need better friends.
All I'm saying is, if we do this
and we're a hit.
A hit show in the States,
a big stonking hit.
It's like winning the lottery.
We'd never have to work again.
What would we do instead?
All right, we need friends
and we need hobbies.
I don't know. LA, it's just so...
- LA.
- Oh, come on. It's an adventure.
I'd have to drive.
There's that pioneer spirit.
And you really want this?
I think I do.
Hurray!
Wait, wait, wait.
I get to do the bra too.
You're still 14, aren't you?
I wish I got to do this at 14.
Wait, did you weld this?
Now, you have to admit.
It is fairly glorious.
Feel that sunshine!
- Of course...
- Don't say skin cancer!
Just glorious.
# Oh, say can you see... #
Oh, no, no, don't, don't.
Oh, my. Fancy!
Welcome home, darling.
Hello. We're the new people
moving into...
1675 Bel Vista Drive.
Sean and Beverly Lincoln.
No.
No? Well, we should be there.
Were they expecting you?
No, no. There's no one expecting us.
It's a house we're renting.
Well, it's being rented for us.
Oh, wait, there's the, um,
the housekeeper. She might be there.
- Yeah.
- One moment.
Is this fun?
I have, uh...
Sean and Beverly Lincoln.
Sean and Beverly Lincoln here.
She's says they're not home right now.
Well, of course
they're not home.
Because they're us.
And we're stuck here with you.
Ma'am, there's no need
to raise your voice.
Oh, really? Get in the car, I'll be you,
and we'll see if that's true.
Look, um, Wallace.
I'm sure once we've moved in
the three of us will have
a really good laugh about this.
But, um, right now,
we've been travelling for
- fourteen hours.
- Fourteen hours.
And we'd really love
to get into the house.
Isn't there any way
you can let us do that?
Not if you're not on the list.
How do I know who you are?
Oh, has it not come up?
We're Sean and Beverly Lincoln.
- Really not helping.
- Really don't care.
I'm sure we're on the list.
May I see it?
- No one sees the list.
- No one sees the list?
We have very high caliber
celebrities living here.
We have to protect their privacy.
Oh, for God's sake. Wallace,
I appreciate the seriousness
with which you do your job. I do.
But I just want to find our names.
Now, I promise you,
I won't reveal any information
about your precious gated community
or the secret identities
of the gated citizens.
Now, give me the list!
Ooh, Ren?e Zellweger lives here.
- Does she?
- Yeah.
This is just for the two of us?
Yeah. Apparently so.
Our show's not this good.
Front door ajar.
Front door ajar.
She's fun.
Front door ajar.
Bloody hell. It's even bigger inside.
And you were afraid we weren't gonna
have enough staircases.
This is mad.
Woo-ay! Look at this.
- It's very Hollywood.
- Yeah.
And construction wise,
a little disturbing.
Oh, my God.
I am never leaving this room.
Yeah, I like a bath
you can dock a barge in.
Big enough for two.
What, now?
I'm feeling a bit dirty. You?
Filthy.
So, you wanna dock that barge?
Oh, always a lady.
Let's do this.
- Well, maybe some other time.
- Yeah.
Oh, and don't forget to get your
parking validated before you leave.
Merc really wanted to be here
but he had to be in New York.
Sean and Beverly, this is Andy Button,
our Head of Casting.
Huge fan! Oh, my God!
I've just been watching tapes of your
show. Beyond hysterical. Beyond.
And Myra Licht, Head of Comedy.
- Hi.
- It's really funny.
There you go. Sit, sit, sit.
So, are you settling in?
Some house, huh?
Oh.
- It's insane.
The only thing it's missing is a moat.
Oh, well, get a big rating,
Merc will dig you a moat.
She's not kidding.
So, do all your writers
get houses like that?
Oh, no. No, no, no.
We just, uh, finished shooting
a reality show there,
and we had six weeks left on the lease,
and we needed a place
for you guys, so...
If you get bored,
you can vote each other off.
Ah, well, that would
explain the columns.
Eh, several of them
are made of polystyrene.
They're probably left over
from some set.
They use that house
for a lot of reality shows.
They shot a season of The Bachelor there
and, I think, The Apprentice LA.
We just had 12 girls living there
competing to become a supermodel.
Right. The bathroom
did have a vague vomity smell.
That would be why.
So, Lyman's Boys.
Let's talk about casting.
Eh, well, we already have
Julian committed
to recreate the role of Lyman.
So that's half the battle right there.
We love Julian.
Comic god.
He's hilarious.
We just need to find a time when he can
fly over and audition for Merc.
Audition?
No one gets cast in anything
without Merc seeing them first.
Well, that's mad.
Merc loves the show.
Julian is the show.
Why should he have to audition?
Yeah. Um...
There is a chance
Merc may not have
actually seen your show.
- What?
- What?
I'm not saying that he hasn't seen it.
- Has he seen it?
- No.
Hang on. He told us he loved it.
He said he wanted to have sex with it.
Well, if I had a nickel for everything
Merc would have sex with sight-unseen...
She'd have a lot of nickels.
I'd be rich.
Then what about it did he love?
Uh, hello. It's a hit. It wins awards.
It ran for four years.
Unbelievable.
We have all seen it. And we do love it.
- Major love.
- Mmm-hmm.
Merc's never seen the show.
I can't... I mean, that's...
Help me.
You're articulating it perfectly.
Which is why he really needs to see
Julian read.
But we've already offered him the part.
He gave up a play in the West End
to do this.
I hear you. I do.
And I am sure Merc'll just flip
over him. I mean, my God, it's Julian...
- Bullard.
- Bullard.
Can't Merc just watch some tapes
of the show?
It's better if we do it in person.
He's not a big TV watcher.
And if we say no?
You don't wanna say no to Merc.
Mmm.
You really want him on your team.
I thought he was on our team.
Totally.
But if he likes Julian,
and yeah, he will,
you're pretty much guaranteed
you're on the air.
He already guaranteed
we were on the air.
Absolutely. But you know,
nothing's in stone.
Actually, Merc said this was in stone.
And it is. But, you know.
Clearly, we don't know.
It's in stone. But...
Stone. There's things
stronger than stone.
Like what?
- Like Merc.
- Yeah, Merc.
Yeah, Merc.
Merc is stronger than stone.
It's outrageous!
- No, I know.
- He has to audition?
The man has played the part
for four years.
It's insane. What are you eating?
Nuts from the plane. They're awful.
Want some?
Sure.
Hello, Wallace.
And you're here to see...
Hmm.
Oh, I remember this scene.
It's rather good.
Julian, thank you again for doing this.
We're horrified you even need
to go through it.
Oh, Peaches,
don't give it a second thought.
I understand. I'm not new.
The king won't let us play until he
shows everybody how big his dick is.
Though you'd think they'd have wives
and boyfriends for that. But no.
Merc's here. We can start.
All right.
Hello, guv'ner! Come here.
- Oh, so, it's every time.
Come here.
Hi.
So, shall I bring in Julian?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everyone, may I introduce
Julian Bullard.
Welcome, Julian. Thanks for coming in.
Not at all.
You know, the last time
I had to audition was '87.
It was to do Private Lives
with Dame Judi at the National.
So, this is a bit of a treat.
Well, we all appreciate it.
And with whom will I be reading?
- Me. Career highlight.
- Hi.
Ah, for those who haven't seen
this episode, uh,
in this scene Julian has to
tell one of the boys
he's been asked to leave St. Abban's.
Oh, this is a good one.
Wow.
Whenever you're ready.
Robbie, I'm afraid your time
at St. Abban's has come to an end.
What? Why?
Well, the teachers and I, uh, think that
you would do better at a school
with a less academically
demanding curriculum.
Why?
We feel that
you need a more
intellectually diminished environment.
I don't understand.
How to put this?
You're not bright.
- I'm bright.
- No.
I'm not stupid.
You are not not stupid.
That too many nots?
Maybe I'm just not working up
to my full potential.
No. This is you firing on all cylinders.
But all is not bleak.
For you, young man,
have something far more important
than intelligence.
You are attractive.
There isn't a Nobel laureate that
wouldn't happily give 20 IQ points
for those chiseled cheekbones
and that pert little bum.
Plus your family is rich.
My God, you could be running
this whole country one day.
And I assure you,
intelligence would only get in your way.
Julian, could you just give us a minute?
Certainly.
Thank you.
Oh, wow. That was a treat.
I gotta tell ya,
he's the real deal, huh?
Yes, he is.
So, we're all set?
Ah! Mmm...
Yes?
Well, is it me or does anybody else
feel like he comes off
a bit too English?
- Yeah, a little.
- Yeah?
A little bit. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Mmm. Too English?
Possibly it's because he's English.
Yeah. No, no, no.
He just, he sounds, uh,
a little too butler-y.
I mean, if we're doing an
American version of the show...
Yes, but he's playing the headmaster
of an elite boarding school.
The boys will be American,
the other teachers.
Why can't he be British?
Oh, no. I hear you
but we need the audience to like him.
- Mmm. It's true.
- Oh, yeah.
He has got to be likeable.
Mmm.
I can't believe we're actually
asking you this.
Truly, I am having an out-of-body
experience. I may be sick.
Julian, we'd understand completely
if you said no
but could you possibly do
the scene again in an American accent?
No problem.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Aw, dear ones,
I was doing Eugene O'Neill
and Tennessee Williams
before you were born.
How old are you?
Piss off.
You all remember Julian Bullard.
Hi, again.
Welcome back, Mr. Bullard.
Shall we do this?
Um, Robbie,
I'm afraid your time at St. Abban's
has come to an end.
What? Why?
Well, uh, the teachers and I think, uh,
you would do better at a school
with a less academically
demanding curriculum.
Why?
Oh, well, we feel you need a more
intellectually diminished environment.
I don't understand.
How to put this?
You're not bright.
- I'm bright.
- No.
I'm not stupid.
You're not not stupid.
I'm sorry. Could I just go back
a little bit on that?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
- Do it more...
So, well, yeah, how to put this.
Uh, you're not bright.
You're not bright. Um...
You're not bright. You're stupid.
I'm sorry.
Could I just try one more thing?
- Yeah. Anything.
- Absolutely. Yeah. No problem.
Southern maybe. Okay. Um...
Uh, um...
Uh, you're not bright.
- I'm bright.
- No.
- I'm not stupid.
- You're not not stupid.
Is that too many nots there, partner?
I suppose that would be if I was
the headmaster of a cowboy school.
All right, I believe
we have seen enough.
I know the way out.
I have been here before.
Thank me very much for coming in today.
And let's hope to heaven
there's a bar in the hotel.
Is it me or was he just not funny?
- What just happened?
- I don't know.
And in case you're wondering,
I'll be wanting at least that much.
Bloody pillar.
All right. All right.
Let's look on the positive side.
Positive side?
- Well...
- No. Just once, please,
do not try and find a positive side.
Because even if you can,
which I very much doubt,
my negative is so much,
much bigger than your positive.
My negative openly mocks your positive.
My negative slaps your positive around.
My negative grabs your positive,
bends it over the sofa
and buggers it from behind.
My positive did not enjoy that.
Hello. Hi, Carol.
Put her on that speaker thing.
Hi, kids. Tough day.
Yep. Yes, it was.
Yeah, we all feel terrible.
Merc is sending you
a basket of loganberries.
Aw, lovely.
So, how are you two doing?
Well, uh... We're not feeling positive,
I can tell you that.
I'm sure.
Anyway, we should all
try and look forward.
We still love Lyman's Boys.
- We do.
- Mmm-hmm.
We just find it hard to imagine
doing it without Julian.
I understand, but before we go there,
we wanted to share an idea with you.
It's a different way to go,
so keep your minds open.
We just found out that
there is an actor available.
Huge star, hysterically funny,
the audience just loves him
and he's ready to come back to TV.
Merc thinks that he would be
perfect for this.
Really? Who?
Matt LeBlanc.
Bev, what are you doing? Stop.
- No. No!
- Please.
I'm going home. You stay.
You're obviously flourishing here.
Is this because I went surfing today?
Okay, obviously it's not
because I went surfing.
Bev, come on, talk to me.
Bev! Bev!
Look, I realize LA
hasn't exactly been your favorite.
This isn't about LA.
Front door ajar.
Wait. Is it about the show?
It's one more day of shooting.
A week in post.
Move.
Front door ajar.
One week. Then the work'll be done
and we can both leave together
with our heads held high.
Heads held high?
Have you not seen our heads?
It's all we can do to not kick them
when we walk.
All right, look,
we've made some compromises...
This isn't about the fucking show.
Front door ajar.
Well, then what is it about?
Front door ajar.
- Does this bitch ever shut up?
- Front door ajar.
- You know what this is about.
- What?
Morning? Oh, my God!
Look, I'm telling you,
I have no interest in her at all.
I saw you wanking to her
the other night.
What? I...
No, I... How did...
How did... Who did... What did...
Front door ajar.
All right.
There may have been a little wanking.
But there is nothing between us.
- I just saw you with her.
- What?
I saw you with her! Just now!
I saw you hugging her
in front of our house!
She wasn't here! She... There was...
She wasn't...
Ernesto! Ernesto!
- What?
- Please turn that off!
I'm sorry, did you want me?
I wanted you to turn off
the leaf blower.
- I did.
- Yeah. Now.
But before, I couldn't...
Hey, Bev! No. No. Wait.
Bev, stop! You're on the wrong side.
No, Sean. You're on the wrong side.
That's not what I meant.
Automated dialing.
Call Bob.
- Command.
- Call Bob.
Dialing Mom.
No. Not Mom. Bob.
Cancel. Cancel! Stop.
Hello?
Hey, Ma, it's Matt.
Nothin', just called to say hi.
And the BAFTA award goes to
Sean and Beverly Lincoln
for Lyman's Boys!
There you are! Oh, you bloody bastards.
You've done it again. Again.
Stop doing it!
- We're so sorry.
- We promise, never again.
Yeah, you fuckers,
that's what you said last year.
No, no, honestly.
I'm, you know, really pleased for you.
That is sweet.
Thank you.
Oh, he's so not pleased.
No, he's not.
Well, I'm happy for us.
I'm just happy.
How soon can we leave?
Don't know. Have we made enough people
feel bad about themselves?
Oh, my God.
What? Who's that?
- It's Merc Lapidus.
- Who?
Merc Lapidus.
- Repeating, it doesn't help me.
- From America. He's president of...
Winners! Forgive me.
Don't wanna interrupt.
Merc Lapidus. I'm the president...
Please. We know who you are.
Hi. Sean and Beverly.
Ah.
And you! With the funny speech.
Oh, that's not necess... Oh. All right.
You know what my fantasy is?
I'm gonna guess. Either shoes or nuns.
My fantasy is I wake up tomorrow
and I've got your show on my network.
Well, that's very flattering.
No, no. I'm not just blowing smoke here.
I love your show. I love it.
Seriously, I wanna have sex
with your show.
I'm telling you,
an American version would be huge.
It could be like The Office meets...
- Our show?
- Yes.
But, but we'd have to do it right.
No farming this one out
to some shitty American writers.
I want what's in these amazing
British-y heads.
What, us come to LA?
- That's interesting.
- Is it?
Uh, oh. She's giving you the wife look.
Whoa, now she's giving me the wife look.
Oh, hello.
Have you guys tried these?
Oh, what are these little berries?
They're genius. They're like...
They're like magic berries.
- They're actually loganberries.
- Loganberries.
Now I want to have sex
with your show and these berries.
And when I was a little girl,
my grandmother lived in Yorkshire
and had loganberries in her garden.
Every summer we'd pick the berries
and she'd make jam.
Fuck. My grandmother
lives in Morristown, New Jersey,
and hates black people.
So, what do you say?
Come play with us, hmm?
I need Lyman's Boys.
We got four places on my schedule,
I could put it right now.
This is very flattering.
And we've all had a bit to drink.
No, not me. Not in seven years.
I'm an alcoholic.
But, evidently, not anonymous.
Come on.
We'll get you a house, a car, name it.
How hard could it be?
You've already written the scripts.
They're perfect the way it is.
I mean, you'll work minutes 20 a day,
the rest of the time,
you can screw in the pool.
Oh, you hear that? We'd get a pool.
All right, look.
If you don't wanna do it, it's fine.
Hey! Maybe you don't like money.
But I had to ask.
When I had cancer...
That's right.
I realized two things.
If you want something, go for it.
God doesn't wait for you. And also,
you do not want cancer.
You're already there, aren't you?
- No.
- Yes, you are.
You're having brunch
with Angelina Jolie.
My God, you're already starting to tan.
Aren't you?
No.
Thank you. Good night.
Ooh!
Jesus.
"Come taste our berries.
Your biggest fan, Merc Lapidus."
How did he do this?
We left him less than an hour ago.
I can't believe he even remembered
that stupid loganberry story.
I can't believe he knows where we live.
You really want to move to LA?
You're always taking the piss out of it.
Only because it's never wanted me.
I'm very petty that way.
But why do it? Our lives are here,
our friends are here.
Who would you miss?
We need better friends.
All I'm saying is, if we do this
and we're a hit.
A hit show in the States,
a big stonking hit.
It's like winning the lottery.
We'd never have to work again.
What would we do instead?
All right, we need friends
and we need hobbies.
I don't know. LA, it's just so...
- LA.
- Oh, come on. It's an adventure.
I'd have to drive.
There's that pioneer spirit.
And you really want this?
I think I do.
Hurray!
Wait, wait, wait.
I get to do the bra too.
You're still 14, aren't you?
I wish I got to do this at 14.
Wait, did you weld this?
Now, you have to admit.
It is fairly glorious.
Feel that sunshine!
- Of course...
- Don't say skin cancer!
Just glorious.
# Oh, say can you see... #
Oh, no, no, don't, don't.
Oh, my. Fancy!
Welcome home, darling.
Hello. We're the new people
moving into...
1675 Bel Vista Drive.
Sean and Beverly Lincoln.
No.
No? Well, we should be there.
Were they expecting you?
No, no. There's no one expecting us.
It's a house we're renting.
Well, it's being rented for us.
Oh, wait, there's the, um,
the housekeeper. She might be there.
- Yeah.
- One moment.
Is this fun?
I have, uh...
Sean and Beverly Lincoln.
Sean and Beverly Lincoln here.
She's says they're not home right now.
Well, of course
they're not home.
Because they're us.
And we're stuck here with you.
Ma'am, there's no need
to raise your voice.
Oh, really? Get in the car, I'll be you,
and we'll see if that's true.
Look, um, Wallace.
I'm sure once we've moved in
the three of us will have
a really good laugh about this.
But, um, right now,
we've been travelling for
- fourteen hours.
- Fourteen hours.
And we'd really love
to get into the house.
Isn't there any way
you can let us do that?
Not if you're not on the list.
How do I know who you are?
Oh, has it not come up?
We're Sean and Beverly Lincoln.
- Really not helping.
- Really don't care.
I'm sure we're on the list.
May I see it?
- No one sees the list.
- No one sees the list?
We have very high caliber
celebrities living here.
We have to protect their privacy.
Oh, for God's sake. Wallace,
I appreciate the seriousness
with which you do your job. I do.
But I just want to find our names.
Now, I promise you,
I won't reveal any information
about your precious gated community
or the secret identities
of the gated citizens.
Now, give me the list!
Ooh, Ren?e Zellweger lives here.
- Does she?
- Yeah.
This is just for the two of us?
Yeah. Apparently so.
Our show's not this good.
Front door ajar.
Front door ajar.
She's fun.
Front door ajar.
Bloody hell. It's even bigger inside.
And you were afraid we weren't gonna
have enough staircases.
This is mad.
Woo-ay! Look at this.
- It's very Hollywood.
- Yeah.
And construction wise,
a little disturbing.
Oh, my God.
I am never leaving this room.
Yeah, I like a bath
you can dock a barge in.
Big enough for two.
What, now?
I'm feeling a bit dirty. You?
Filthy.
So, you wanna dock that barge?
Oh, always a lady.
Let's do this.
- Well, maybe some other time.
- Yeah.
Oh, and don't forget to get your
parking validated before you leave.
Merc really wanted to be here
but he had to be in New York.
Sean and Beverly, this is Andy Button,
our Head of Casting.
Huge fan! Oh, my God!
I've just been watching tapes of your
show. Beyond hysterical. Beyond.
And Myra Licht, Head of Comedy.
- Hi.
- It's really funny.
There you go. Sit, sit, sit.
So, are you settling in?
Some house, huh?
Oh.
- It's insane.
The only thing it's missing is a moat.
Oh, well, get a big rating,
Merc will dig you a moat.
She's not kidding.
So, do all your writers
get houses like that?
Oh, no. No, no, no.
We just, uh, finished shooting
a reality show there,
and we had six weeks left on the lease,
and we needed a place
for you guys, so...
If you get bored,
you can vote each other off.
Ah, well, that would
explain the columns.
Eh, several of them
are made of polystyrene.
They're probably left over
from some set.
They use that house
for a lot of reality shows.
They shot a season of The Bachelor there
and, I think, The Apprentice LA.
We just had 12 girls living there
competing to become a supermodel.
Right. The bathroom
did have a vague vomity smell.
That would be why.
So, Lyman's Boys.
Let's talk about casting.
Eh, well, we already have
Julian committed
to recreate the role of Lyman.
So that's half the battle right there.
We love Julian.
Comic god.
He's hilarious.
We just need to find a time when he can
fly over and audition for Merc.
Audition?
No one gets cast in anything
without Merc seeing them first.
Well, that's mad.
Merc loves the show.
Julian is the show.
Why should he have to audition?
Yeah. Um...
There is a chance
Merc may not have
actually seen your show.
- What?
- What?
I'm not saying that he hasn't seen it.
- Has he seen it?
- No.
Hang on. He told us he loved it.
He said he wanted to have sex with it.
Well, if I had a nickel for everything
Merc would have sex with sight-unseen...
She'd have a lot of nickels.
I'd be rich.
Then what about it did he love?
Uh, hello. It's a hit. It wins awards.
It ran for four years.
Unbelievable.
We have all seen it. And we do love it.
- Major love.
- Mmm-hmm.
Merc's never seen the show.
I can't... I mean, that's...
Help me.
You're articulating it perfectly.
Which is why he really needs to see
Julian read.
But we've already offered him the part.
He gave up a play in the West End
to do this.
I hear you. I do.
And I am sure Merc'll just flip
over him. I mean, my God, it's Julian...
- Bullard.
- Bullard.
Can't Merc just watch some tapes
of the show?
It's better if we do it in person.
He's not a big TV watcher.
And if we say no?
You don't wanna say no to Merc.
Mmm.
You really want him on your team.
I thought he was on our team.
Totally.
But if he likes Julian,
and yeah, he will,
you're pretty much guaranteed
you're on the air.
He already guaranteed
we were on the air.
Absolutely. But you know,
nothing's in stone.
Actually, Merc said this was in stone.
And it is. But, you know.
Clearly, we don't know.
It's in stone. But...
Stone. There's things
stronger than stone.
Like what?
- Like Merc.
- Yeah, Merc.
Yeah, Merc.
Merc is stronger than stone.
It's outrageous!
- No, I know.
- He has to audition?
The man has played the part
for four years.
It's insane. What are you eating?
Nuts from the plane. They're awful.
Want some?
Sure.
Hello, Wallace.
And you're here to see...
Hmm.
Oh, I remember this scene.
It's rather good.
Julian, thank you again for doing this.
We're horrified you even need
to go through it.
Oh, Peaches,
don't give it a second thought.
I understand. I'm not new.
The king won't let us play until he
shows everybody how big his dick is.
Though you'd think they'd have wives
and boyfriends for that. But no.
Merc's here. We can start.
All right.
Hello, guv'ner! Come here.
- Oh, so, it's every time.
Come here.
Hi.
So, shall I bring in Julian?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everyone, may I introduce
Julian Bullard.
Welcome, Julian. Thanks for coming in.
Not at all.
You know, the last time
I had to audition was '87.
It was to do Private Lives
with Dame Judi at the National.
So, this is a bit of a treat.
Well, we all appreciate it.
And with whom will I be reading?
- Me. Career highlight.
- Hi.
Ah, for those who haven't seen
this episode, uh,
in this scene Julian has to
tell one of the boys
he's been asked to leave St. Abban's.
Oh, this is a good one.
Wow.
Whenever you're ready.
Robbie, I'm afraid your time
at St. Abban's has come to an end.
What? Why?
Well, the teachers and I, uh, think that
you would do better at a school
with a less academically
demanding curriculum.
Why?
We feel that
you need a more
intellectually diminished environment.
I don't understand.
How to put this?
You're not bright.
- I'm bright.
- No.
I'm not stupid.
You are not not stupid.
That too many nots?
Maybe I'm just not working up
to my full potential.
No. This is you firing on all cylinders.
But all is not bleak.
For you, young man,
have something far more important
than intelligence.
You are attractive.
There isn't a Nobel laureate that
wouldn't happily give 20 IQ points
for those chiseled cheekbones
and that pert little bum.
Plus your family is rich.
My God, you could be running
this whole country one day.
And I assure you,
intelligence would only get in your way.
Julian, could you just give us a minute?
Certainly.
Thank you.
Oh, wow. That was a treat.
I gotta tell ya,
he's the real deal, huh?
Yes, he is.
So, we're all set?
Ah! Mmm...
Yes?
Well, is it me or does anybody else
feel like he comes off
a bit too English?
- Yeah, a little.
- Yeah?
A little bit. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Mmm. Too English?
Possibly it's because he's English.
Yeah. No, no, no.
He just, he sounds, uh,
a little too butler-y.
I mean, if we're doing an
American version of the show...
Yes, but he's playing the headmaster
of an elite boarding school.
The boys will be American,
the other teachers.
Why can't he be British?
Oh, no. I hear you
but we need the audience to like him.
- Mmm. It's true.
- Oh, yeah.
He has got to be likeable.
Mmm.
I can't believe we're actually
asking you this.
Truly, I am having an out-of-body
experience. I may be sick.
Julian, we'd understand completely
if you said no
but could you possibly do
the scene again in an American accent?
No problem.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Aw, dear ones,
I was doing Eugene O'Neill
and Tennessee Williams
before you were born.
How old are you?
Piss off.
You all remember Julian Bullard.
Hi, again.
Welcome back, Mr. Bullard.
Shall we do this?
Um, Robbie,
I'm afraid your time at St. Abban's
has come to an end.
What? Why?
Well, uh, the teachers and I think, uh,
you would do better at a school
with a less academically
demanding curriculum.
Why?
Oh, well, we feel you need a more
intellectually diminished environment.
I don't understand.
How to put this?
You're not bright.
- I'm bright.
- No.
I'm not stupid.
You're not not stupid.
I'm sorry. Could I just go back
a little bit on that?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
- Do it more...
So, well, yeah, how to put this.
Uh, you're not bright.
You're not bright. Um...
You're not bright. You're stupid.
I'm sorry.
Could I just try one more thing?
- Yeah. Anything.
- Absolutely. Yeah. No problem.
Southern maybe. Okay. Um...
Uh, um...
Uh, you're not bright.
- I'm bright.
- No.
- I'm not stupid.
- You're not not stupid.
Is that too many nots there, partner?
I suppose that would be if I was
the headmaster of a cowboy school.
All right, I believe
we have seen enough.
I know the way out.
I have been here before.
Thank me very much for coming in today.
And let's hope to heaven
there's a bar in the hotel.
Is it me or was he just not funny?
- What just happened?
- I don't know.
And in case you're wondering,
I'll be wanting at least that much.
Bloody pillar.
All right. All right.
Let's look on the positive side.
Positive side?
- Well...
- No. Just once, please,
do not try and find a positive side.
Because even if you can,
which I very much doubt,
my negative is so much,
much bigger than your positive.
My negative openly mocks your positive.
My negative slaps your positive around.
My negative grabs your positive,
bends it over the sofa
and buggers it from behind.
My positive did not enjoy that.
Hello. Hi, Carol.
Put her on that speaker thing.
Hi, kids. Tough day.
Yep. Yes, it was.
Yeah, we all feel terrible.
Merc is sending you
a basket of loganberries.
Aw, lovely.
So, how are you two doing?
Well, uh... We're not feeling positive,
I can tell you that.
I'm sure.
Anyway, we should all
try and look forward.
We still love Lyman's Boys.
- We do.
- Mmm-hmm.
We just find it hard to imagine
doing it without Julian.
I understand, but before we go there,
we wanted to share an idea with you.
It's a different way to go,
so keep your minds open.
We just found out that
there is an actor available.
Huge star, hysterically funny,
the audience just loves him
and he's ready to come back to TV.
Merc thinks that he would be
perfect for this.
Really? Who?
Matt LeBlanc.