Entourage (2004–2011): Season 6, Episode 7 - No More Drama - full transcript

Vince.

- Vince.
- Mm, yeah?

- I heard something.
- What?

I think someone's
in the house.

Really?

See?

All right, I'll go
check it out.

Ahnold,
want to come with?

Thanks, pal.

Hello?

Turtle, is that you?



Hello?

Don't worry.
It's just the wind.

Call 911.

Turtle: Ahnold would have
heard something.

I'm telling you, he didn't flinch.
Someone was definitely here.

If he didn't bark,
they weren't.

Maybe the girl
you were with set it up.

- Set what up?
- Fantasy rape scene perhaps.

Is that what your
girls do, Drama?

- Tie you up and strap one on?
- Don't be juvenile, E.

Oh, Christ.

What is it?

My half an agent.
Yeah, Lloyd?

Oh, Johnny Drama,
what did you do?



- It's not what I did.
- You attacked a high-level studio exec.

- Is that what they're saying?
- Right now they're not saying anything

except that you will not
be needed on set today.

- What? Why?
- I assume it's because

you attacked
a high-level studio exec!

So now what?
Am I done?

I don't know. I'll let you know
when I hear more.

Thanks, Lloyd.

They canceled my scenes today.

He said he was gonna have me written
off the show. I guess he's doing it.

You're gonna have to go
down there and apologize.

Guy hits on my best friend's girlfriend
and I'm supposed to apologize?

You did grab him by the throat.

He said he was gonna pound
Meadow Soprano from behind.

- You should've broken his fucking arm...
- Vince: Turtle.

Sorry.

Drama, I appreciate
everything you did,

'cause I know you had
the best intentions.

Jamie does too.
But this is yourjob.

Yeah, Johnny,
you live for this show.

Just suck it up
and go talk to him.

Yeah.

Should I bring a fruit basket
or something?

- No.
- Maybe a massage certificate

- from Burke Williams?
- No.

I'll just leave it up to me then.

All right, I'm out.

- Good luck.
- See you, Drama.

Hey, Vince, we found
no sign of forced entry.

And you guys say you can't
find anything missing, right?

No, but the living room
door was open.

- Any chance you could have left it open?
- I don't think so.

If someone was here, the good news
is you're okay and nothing's been taken.

If they come back, call us
and we'll come back.

All right. Thanks, Officers.
I appreciate it.

- Thanks for coming down.
- Sorry, Vince.

Somebody was here.

Now that everyone's safe and sound
I'm gonna head off to work.

- Want us to roll with?
- No.

- Why not?
- It's my first day.

- I want to make a good impression.
- What do you think people think

- when they see us?
- Call me if you want to have lunch.

All right, hotshot.
Enjoy.

Mr. Vince, do you no have
underwear for cleaning?

Yeah, whatever's there, Maria.
Thanks.

No, it's not there.

Is socks and shirts,
but no underwear.

I just dropped my dirty stuff
down there last night.

- Tons of underwear.
- Yeah, me too.

It's not there.

I told you
someone was here.

What, you think someone broke
in and stole our underwear?

Uh-huh.

Jesus.

Murray: Before we jump in today
we need to welcome

our newest family member,
Mr. Eric Murphy.

Catch him up,
show him around.

I want him feeling like he's been here
all his life by the end of the day.

Eric Murphy.

- Got you a cup of coffee, Mr. Murphy.
- Thank you very much.

And these just came from
the front desk for you.

Uh, I didn't order
any pizza.

Ari Gold sent them.
The delivery guy said to tell you

good luck and you're no longer
a pizza boy, you're now a pizza man.

Cool.

Okay, let's get to it.
This is a signing meeting.

So tell me
who have we signed?

I have Penelope Cruz,
like, right there.

Right there is not there.
What else?

- I signed Neil Elman.
- Tell me about it.

A hot young writer-director
out of Sundance.

- Has two specs ready to go.
- When they sell we'll clap for you.

On the comedy front,

Chris Rock is doing
a new tour,

so you can applaud me
for saving your asses.

Silently.

But why is Bob Saget
making 50 grand a night

and we're making dick?

I've called him 20 times.
He won't return my calls.

You've
called him, Scott?

Everyone, let's give
Scott Lavin here

a big morning clap
'cause he called Bob Saget.

Hi, Bob Saget, this is Scott.
Please call me back.

I don't think
he wants a manager.

Nobody wants a manager.
Convince him that he needs one.

I would love to,
but he won't return my calls.

- Stake-out his fucking house.
- You know, I used to live next door to Bob.

I know him a little bit.
I can call him.

So let it be said,
let it be done.

Take care. It's nice to meet you too.
Hey, Britney.

- You need anything?
- Actually, I needed

- to send Ari Gold something.
- Sure, no problem. What is it?

Maybe there is a guy in the mailroom
that could help me with this.

Eric, don't worry about it.
I'm like one of the guys.

I've only been working for you for two
hours and the pizza thing pissed me off.

- Just let me know what I can do.
- Okay.

- Murphy Group!
- What?

Murphy Group.

Sexy, can I talk to your
man alone for a beat?

Sure, douchebag.
Told you I was one of the guys.

- I'll be in your office.
- Okay.

What's up?

So is this
the whole Group?

- What do you mean?
- Murray said we were

absorbing the Murphy Group.
So I was expecting at least a trifecta.

- It's just me.
- It's a weird fucking name then, isn't it?

What's up, Scotty?
You seem a little tweaked.

Yeah, well, I've been working
two things the last month.

Bob Saget
when the sun's up

and the Olsen twins
when the sun's down.

So I do not need you waltzing in here,
jumping on what's mine.

- I was just trying to help, all right?
- But you didn't help, you see?

Yeah well, Murray said that this
whole place is kind of like a team thing.

Yeah, it is.
And like any team

you got LeBron James
who makes $120 million.

Then you got a jerkoff
who's on a 10-day contract.

Whichever one of those
you think you're gonna be,

neither steals the ball
from the other.

Why don't we just
call Bob together?

'Cause I don't want to call
Bob together, all right?

I want to sign Bob alone
and I will.

Got a trash can?
Thanks.

Yo, Lawrence.
What's up, kid?

- Hey, Drama, how you doing?
- How do I look?

You look okay,
I guess.

Want to roll up this gate?

- Afraid I can't do that.
- Why not?

- You're on the list.
- What list?

The banned-
from-the-lot list.

That's why your picture
is right there.

Well, my picture
is also right there.

- How do you explain that?
- Can't.

But the message came
from Dan Coakley himself,

so I'm assuming whatever
you did was real bad.

Will you please get
Dan Coakley on the phone?

Sure.

Stop calling
the office, John.

Stop lurking outside
and stop trying to push me.

Please just let me
in so we can talk.

- What's to talk about?
- I'd like to apologize.

I'm not interested in an apology.

Come on, Dan. We had words.
Men do that.

You put your hands
around my throat.

Men sometimes
do that also.

Look, you said
some pretty awful things.

Oh, so you're not really
apologizing,

you're just making
excuses for attacking me.

- No, I just...
- So if I was to tell you

that Meadow Soprano
blew me last night,

- you might just go and attack me again.
- Dan...

The fact is she's here
right now sucking on my dick, John.

All right, that's enough.
All right? I'm trying here.

Try harder, John, 'cause she is
about to swallow my balls

while I dive
into her pussy.

That's it,
you're a dead man, Coakley.

Do you hear me?
You're a fucking dead man!

I'm gonna rip your
fucking scalp off!

Hello?

Did Mr. Coakley say
you can go on?

Vince, as proud as I am
that you've reached stalker status,

you can't play around.
These are sick individuals.

We have an alarm.
I'll learn to turn it on.

You need to call
my security guy.

This guy is the best.

I had a problem neighbor.
Couldn't trust him for shit.

When this guy was done
arming my house,

it was as secure
as Air Force One.

I didn't realize you were
such a pussy, Ari.

I didn't realize your attack dog
was as worthless as you, Turtle.

He's not.
I think he's going deaf.

Watch, Vin.
Ahnold. Ahnold.

See?

- He's not deaf, he's stoned.
- Are we done here, Ari?

We are not done, all right?
You need to take this really seriously.

Somebody broke in here, went to your
laundry room, stole your underwear.

Do I need to paint you a picture
of what goes through the mind

- of someone like that?
- No, please, don't.

- Call my guy.
- Forget that. Let's just go get a gun.

- Don't get a gun.
- Why not?

It's not gonna be a great story if Turtle
shoots you in the face.

- I'm a good shot, Ari.
- Are you?

I think I would be.
I'm a good free-throw shooter.

Vince, I thought
you were maturing.

All this work
and you're not listening.

You're gonna let this guy
be the first line of defense

- against some boxer-stealing serial killer?
- She could be a hot fan.

More likely he's a creepy
little pale obsessive freak.

- God.
- Speaking of which,

where's E?
He got an alibi?

A Sloan McQuewick
calling for you.

Wow, tell her I'm in a meeting. Tell her
I'll call you back. I mean, I'll call her back.

- You know what? I'll take it.
- What?

Yeah, just put her through.

Guess I should learn how
to pronounce this one's name, huh?

- Got a minute, babe?
- He's got an important call.

Actually, this is equally important...
doubly important.

- That's okay, Britney. I'll call back.
- Okay.

- Just take a message.
- Hey, what's up?

I got Bob Saget
to agree to come in.

- Oh yeah? That's great.
- Yeah.

- How'd you do that?
- Dropped your name.

- Cool. I'm glad I could help.
- He wants you in the meeting.

- Okay.
- We're gonna do it in my office.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Look, Eric, I don't know
what you guys have together.

You're friends,
you're neighbors,

you used his prick as a whistle...
whatever it is, he's mine.

- Okay, we clear? He's mine.
- Yeah.

All right.
Good.

- Calm down, Johnny.
- Don't tell me to calm down.

I tried apologizing
to this guy

when the fact is he should
be apologizing to me.

- You attacked him.
- Do you know what he said?

I know he's saying he said
nothing and that you're crazy.

Everyone knows what kind of guy he is.
I want to take this to the top.

All you have is your word
against his.

Then I'll find someone
who can back up my words.

Uh, what is that?

It's for Ari
from Eric Murphy.

"Suck it. "

That is not
what this is for.

I think there's someone
in the tree.

Stop.
You're stoned.

I may be, but I'm not kidding.
Come look.

- Where?
- There.

- It's a bird.
- No, there.

- That is a squirrel.
- That's not where I'm looking.

I'm looking through the tree past
that shrub right behind the car.

I should never have
let Jamie take Ahnold.

You're crazy.

- I don't feel safe.
- There is nothing there.

We should go out there.

No, stop it. I'm not gonna let you
or Ari make me paranoid.

- Oh!
- Oh, Jesus!

Turtle:
It's just Temo.

Okay, now I am
a bit freaked.

Yeah.

Bob, what you
do not know about me

is that I am 24/7.

That is my middle fucking name:
Scotty 24/7 Lavin.

What that means is that
every time you turn around

anywhere, anytime,
you will be looking at this.

That's just great, Scotty.
That's just what I want to be looking at

while I'm sniffing a line of blow off
her ass... your fucking face.

That really completes the image.
You believe that, Scotty?

'Cause if you believe that, you'd believe
the commission check is in the mail too.

I understand
and you're reluctant.

But I want you to know
that I swear to God

on my mother,
I will kill for you.

- You will?
- Yes.

- What if I kill?
- What do you mean?

I mean, what if I kill
somebody late at night

and I call you up and I go,
"Hey, 24/7, I'm fucked.

I just killed a guy at some crack den
in the hood. "

Would you come down there
in your silver 750 and pick me up

and help me chop up the body
and dispose of it and then take me home

and bathe me and then tuck me in?
Would you do all that for me, Scotty?

Because I would do that for me
to keep 10% of the money that I make.

- Bob...
- Shh shh, we're done now, Scotty.

I'm gonna talk to E.

- So what's up, E?
- How are you, Bob?

I'm almost as good as she looks
but not nearly as good as she tastes.

Oh, you're so sweet, Bob.

- So who's Vince fucking?
- No one specific.

Oh come on,
don't hold out on me.

You know, he just...
he's having fun.

- Did he do Milano in the tail?
- What? No.

I saw her coming out
of the house one night.

- She was with Drama.
- I used to live next door to these guys.

The puss that rolled in and out of there
made my house look like a monastery.

That's great.

- Can we get back to this?
- Actually, no, Scotty, we can't.

Not with you here. Because you
make me un-fucking-comfortable.

I'm just gonna talk to E now.
Would you leave?

- This is my office.
- We're not gonna stain anything.

Don't worry about it.

Okay.

I don't like that guy.
Do you like that guy?

- No, he's creepy.
- He's just trying to take care of you, Bob.

I don't get taken care of by dudes.
Hey, I get it.

Murray wants me
on his roster.

I make so much money that it ain't gonna
mean nothing to give him a commission.

But I want something
in return.

What is it?

Don't think I'm weird
when I tell you this.

- Anything, Bob.
- Promise you won't call me weird?

Just say it, Bob.
I won't call you weird.

I want to have sex
in Murray's office.

- What?
- Yeah.

I want to fuck her
in Murray's office.

I get it, Bob.

- I'm sorry if we wasted...
- No, I'm serious.

I'm not weird,
I'm pragmatic.

This would be great
for my memoirs.

Murray Berenson, the guy's a legend.
Fucking on his couch?

- Come on.
- You serious, Bob?

Do I ever tease when I'm
talking about fucking, baby?

- No.
- No.

I'm serious.
I'm not weird.

Think about it.

Okay, Bob.

Thanks for taking
the time to see me.

Of course. Turtle told me you
were freaking out.

But I'm not sure
what I can do.

Just speak the truth and I'll have
my lawyer write everything down.

Johnny, the truth is

Dan Coakley didn't say
anything inappropriate to me.

- He was all about business.
- Impossible.

He's got a pilot
he wants me to do.

He wants to do
you, Jamie.

- Wake up.
- Drama!

I'm not saying he doesn't want
you to do the pilot also.

- But do you know what he said to me?
- I do.

And I so appreciate you
sticking up for me.

But he didn't say
any of those things to me.

- He's trying to lure you in.
- Well, that won't happen.

Maybe you can
lure him in.

- What do you mean?
- Go visit him.

Wear something sexy,
smell nice.

Get him a little
excited maybe.

- Maybe wear a wire?
- Would you?

No.

Johnny, I know
the spot you're in,

and I feel so bad because
I was involved in causing it,

but he really didn't
do anything to me.

I'm really sorry.

I understand.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

You don't have to feel bad.
It's not your fault.

Jamie:
I know, but I do feel bad.

- That's because you're a good person.
- I try to be.

Drama's got his demons. He's got
to work them out, unfortunately.

- How's my boy?
- He's good.

He's trying to drive.
What are you guys doing?

Me and Vince
are looking for guns.

- For what?
- For protection, what else?

Turtle, you will end up like Plaxico
shooting yourself.

Why does nobody think
I can handle a gun?

'Cause you're not
that type of guy.

You don't really know the tough guy
roots from whence I came.

- Tell her, Vin.
- He's a killer, Jamie.

- You hear that?
- I did.

But try not to kill yourself
or Vince, please.

I promise I won't.
I'll call you later, okay?

- Bye.
- Bye.

- She's worried.
- I don't see why.

- Sir, we'll take a whole bunch of these.
- Good choice.

So what do you do, just brown
paper bag it and we're off?

Unfortunately we've got a 10-day
waiting period in California.

10 days? We got to protect
ourselves now.

Call your government.

- What can we get to tide ourselves over?
- You like knives?

- You are fucking with me.
- I'm not.

You're trying
to put me in a bad spot.

You make me look bad here, Eric,
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Scotty, look, I've been here four hours.
You want to fight me?

You want to rep Bob Saget,
he's all yours.

I'm trying to explain to you exactly
what it is you're dealing with.

I understand that. And I'm trying
to explain to you that I'm not buying it.

- Scotty.
- What?

I teed this one
up for you, all right?

All you got to do is sell Murray on it
and the credit's all yours.

I get it. All I got to do is
tell Murray Berenson

that Bob Saget wants
to fuck in his office.

I don't believe it and I'm
just not gonna do it.

Then I will.

- What are you doing, Drama?
- Lawrence, I'm desperate.

You've known me three years.
You know I'm a good guy.

You know I take my job
very seriously.

And you know there's no way
I can let you on that lot.

See this gift basket over here?
It's yours if you do.

Come on, man, what's it got,
fruit or some bullshit in there?

Three different iPods,
cherry-infused Godiva chocolates,

Peter Thomas Roth
wrinkle peel pads,

- cookies from DeLuscious...
- Cookies?

Chocolate chip?

Sprinkles cupcakes too.

All right, go on. Tell 'em you went
through gate 4 if you're caught.

You got it.

Dan Coakley's office.

Mr. Chase!
Mr. Chase, you can't go in there!

Gorgeous, I've got to go.

Dan.

Wow, you really want
to destroy your life, huh?

No no no no.
I came here

to offer a real apology.

This morning you were right.
I was insincere.

I was making
excuses for my actions.

See, Dan, I have
impulse control issues

topped with anger
management problems

mixed in with desperate
insecurities.

Constantly I feel the need
to overcompensate.

I don't know if it's because I felt Ma
loved my brother more than me

or because my father started
calling me a pussy at age three.

But here I am
exposed to you

offering you my sincere,
most heartfelt apologies.

I just... you know,
when you said those things

that you said about
my buddy's girlfriend, I, uh...

you know what you said.
Right? I mean...

Tell me again
what you said, Dan.

It's cool.
I won't get mad this time.

You can tell me.
Tell me again what you said.

What are you doing, John?

What?

What, are you...

- are you recording this or something?
- What?

I've produced enough bad cop shows
to know when somebody's wearing a wire.

Dan.

What's in your pocket?

- Nothing.
- I see something.

- That's my cell phone.
- Take it out.

- Dan...
- John, take it out.

- Dan.
- John.

Don't fire me. Please please, this job
is everything to me.

It's all I got. I've worked 18 years
to get to this position.

I know I got problems.
I know it.

I'll work on it.
I'll paint your house.

I'll wash your car.
Please, Dan, I'm at your mercy.

- Please!
- Ah! Get up.

- I'm not gonna fire you.
- You're not?

You got a stay of execution
from Eddie Burns.

Really?

Plus, I kind of figured
that if I do fire you

you might actually find
a job somewhere else.

- So what does this mean?
- It means I'm going to torture you.

- How?
- Tune in next week.

So, day one,
how's it going?

Really good so far.
I really like the energy of the place.

- That's good.
- Plus I've been alone in my office so long

it's nice to feel like a real person,
have people to talk to about things.

Yeah, it's a great team.
What did you want to talk to me about?

- Bob Saget.
- What about him?

Well, we had a meeting.

On day one? I love it.
How'd it go?

Well, do you know
Bob at all?

No.
Did you close him?

No, we're right there,
but do we really want him?

He's a big earner.
Why wouldn't we?

Well, he's strange.

Who isn't in this town?
Talk to me, Eric.

This is really
uncomfortable.

It shouldn't be.

Okay, uh...

Bob Saget would like to
have sex in your office.

- What?
- He said it'd be good for his memoirs.

And he'll sign
with us if we'll...

or if you'll...
let him.

Are you asking me if Bob Saget
can fuck in my office?

I'm just repeating
the information.

Maybe I made
a mistake with you.

No!

This isn't a whorehouse, Eric.
This is my office.

I built my business sitting
right here at this desk.

And you want to have
Bob Saget defile it.

No, look, I just...
you wanted Bob Saget

and this is what
he asked for.

Jesus, Eric.

You really make a fuckface
when you're scared.

- What?
- Bring him in. I don't give a shit.

My ex-wife decorated
this place anyway.

- Really?
- Just get a cleaning crew in here after.

Okay.

- Good first day?
- Real good.

Great. Maybe tomorrow
you go get Christian Bale.

We'll let him execute
a cinematographer if he wants.

See you later.

At least you
still have yourjob.

Yeah, but I just can't imagine
what this guy's planning.

Johnny, just give it a couple of weeks.
I'm sure it'll subside.

Whatever. I'll be fine.
Right now

- I'm just worried about my baby bro.
- Don't. I'll be fine too.

I know you will be.

- Whoa!
- So where'd you get these?

- John Milius' garage sale.
- Are they loaded?

Of course they're
loaded, bro.

You can't protect yourself
with an empty gun.

Are we really gonna shoot
this guy if he comes back?

Would you rather wait
for the cops to come back

and find us tied up
and drained of all our blood?

"Where's my drink, Spider,
you muttering, stuttering... "

It's not a toy,
you fucking idiot.

It's a loaded weapon.

- Whoa!
- Jeez!

I think we should call
Ari's security guy.

Yeah.