Entourage (2004–2011): Season 5, Episode 1 - Fantasy Island - full transcript

Goal!

Our next film is Medellin,

the ultraviolent story
of Colombian drug lord Pablo Escobar

staring Vincent Chase
in a fat suit and bad makeup

that makes him look like
the lovechild of Jiminy Glick

and a case of Twinkies.

Now at last year's Cannes Film Festival

Medellin from wunderkind
director Billy Walsh

was all the buzz until people actually saw it

at the now legendary
Hindenburg of a screening

which I myself attended.



Now I usually try to keep
my opinions to myself

until we actually review a film on this show,

but this time I got on my feet and I booed
with the rest of the angry mob.

I would have thrown fruit if I'd had some.

Richard, this is the silliest thing
to come out of South America

since the musical Evita. It's overacted,

it's underdirected, it's paced like a snail.

- Did I mention it's long too?
- You did. It is.

The year is young, but this is a good bet

for my top 10 of the year's worst.

Oh, and by the way, Vince, Al Pacino called.

He wants his Scarface accent back.

You know, it's a real disappointment
for me because I had Vinnie Chase

on my list of stars to watch in 2005.



I think I'm gonna have him on my list
of stars to watch fade in 2008.

Suck it, dickbag.

Medellin with a budget I cannot imagine,

is a straight to DVD release,
if you can believe it.

It can be found at...

Sorry, E.

It's okay. Not like I wasn't expecting it.

Yeah, still, once you hear it
coming out of their mouths

on TV about you personally, it stinks.

I remember crying myself to sleep

when Roger Ebert singled out
my performance in License to Drive

as the end of the Golden Age of Cinema.

Oh, baby, fuck critics.
What do they know?

Nothing, baby. Nothing.

Will you mind telling me
when someone else is in the room?

- Sorry, E.
- That's okay, Jacqueline.

I just like to know you're there. How's France?

It's lovely.

When are we gonna see you
again three dimensionally?

- Soon, I hope.
- Not soon enough.

- Oh, baby.
- I miss you, baby.

I miss you too, baby.

All right, I'm gonna talk to E for a second.

I'll check back in after I wash up.

Okay, baby. I love you.

I love you.

- Chirp.
- Tweet.

What? Like you never
had a long-distance relationship?

Not one with bird noises.

Whatever.

I'm gonna get some sleep.
I need my beauty rest.

I'm shooting the Five Towns
poster tomorrow.

Unless you want to pound
some whiskey and talk.

Nah, I'm fine.
I just hope Vince is okay though.

Yeah, poor baby bro.

Are we ever gonna get to use the bed?

Come on, honey.
There's nothing wrong with the hammock.

- Hey, Ari. Fuck Richard Roeper.
- Uh-huh.

- Michael Phillips is a dick.
- Yup.

- I liked Gene Siskel.
- Whatever.

Give me something good, Lloyd.

First draft of my letter
to one Richard E. Roeper

reviewing him personally...
His clothes, his hair,

his nasally midwestern twang.

- Screw Chicago and...
- Attention everyone, please!

Listen up.

No one mention Richard Roeper again.

Not today, not ever.

By doing so, you are simply announcing

that on Sunday nights
instead of doing your job

reading scripts, you're watching TV.

The next person to mention Richard Roeper

will be fired.

And, Lloyd, you will also be fired

if you don't answer the fucking phone!

Ari Gold's office.

- I liked Medellin, Ari.
- Then you're a fucking idiot.

Carl Ertz on one.

Everybody get to work!

Carl, my man. How you doing?

I saw your trailer last night.
Very, very scary stuff.

Makes Nightmare on Elm Street
look like Free Willy.

I saw Roeper last night.

Fuck Richard Roeper.
You know, I went to college with him.

Yeah, when we was pledging
we used to tie beer cans around his nuts

and make him walk across campus.

I think last night was payback.

- I've been thinking about Vince.
- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, for Danger Beach.
- I thought you had Emile Hirsch for that.

No, we don't. Have you read it?

- Despite the title.
- It's a working title.

Listen, I read it. It's good. It's good.

- I want to sit down with Vince.
- He's in Mexico.

Yeah, I heard he's hiding out
on the beach somewhere, huh?

Think again. He's doing improvised readings

with Cuaron and Del Toro till something pops.

I'm not messing around, Ari.
I want Vince for this movie.

Carl, if you think you can get Vinnie Chase,

the star of the highest
grossing movie of all time,

at a cut rate just 'cause
you think he's in a rut...

Ari, I love Vince. I've always loved Vince.

How many things did he turn me down on?

- One or two.
- Six, but who's counting?

I'll pay his full freight.

- Is this an offer, Carl?
- As soon as I sit down with him.

Although, listen,
I gotta go to Greece on Wednesday,

which means I need to see him tomorrow

at The Grill for lunch.
See if you can make it happen.

I'll do what I can. Lloyd!

Get E on the phone right fucking now.

The Murphy Group. Can I help you?

Uh-huh, just one second, please.

Look, just don't tell him
the script sucked like you did last time.

Yeah, but it's not funny.

'Cause it's Cold Case.
It's not supposed to be funny.

- Leave the comedy for the stand-up.
- All right.

A Mr. Ari Gold's on the phone.

- Tell him I'll call him back.
- Okay.

You trust me?

Soon as I get a job, then I'll start trusting you.

Look, you've been with me three months,
you've had four screen tests.

You're gonna get a job soon, I promise.

You got to tell my mom this.
She's the one killing me.

Mr. Gold says it's urgent.

Will you put him through, please?

Sorry, Charlie.

Well, well, well, long time no hear.

What, you got Bea Arthur
answering the phones for you?

I'm in a meeting, Ari. What do you want?

Ah, yes. The Murphy Group doubling in size

the past five months to two clients.

- I have three clients, Ari.
You do?

I mean, I thought I was your only client.

Besides the guy on the wall.

- You're the only one that matters, Charlie.
- Okay.

- What do you want, Ari?
- To bring our boy back from the abyss.

Oh, yeah?
How are you planning on doing that?

Already in motion. We got an offer.

You got an offer? For what?

Danger Beach.

I thought Emile Hirsch
was doing Danger Beach.

No, Vincent Chase is doing it.

And wow, you really are in the business.
You read it?

Oh, yeah, I read it.
I liked it, except for the dumb title.

It's a working title.

- Are they gonna pay him?
- Wow, all about the money these days.

Makes me proud and yet a little sad

that you've lost that
prepubescent boyish charm.

Yeah, they're gonna offer him his full quote.

Come on. That's unbelievable.

Well, start believing and start breaking
out your best travel agenting skills

because we need him here
by lunchtime tomorrow

to have a meeting with Carl Ertz.

What kind of meeting?

Carl wants to see if his eyes

are still as blue as ever.

So do we have an offer or a meeting?

We have an offer pending a meeting.

An offer pending a meeting
is not a fucking offer, Ari.

How long have you been in this town, Opie?

An offer pending a meeting

is what you get when you make a shit movie

and haven't been seen this side
of the border in six months.

We're living in a post Medellin world.

But amazingly enough, if Vince shows up

with all of his limbs intact

and doesn't have some sort
of seizure in front of Ertz,

we are back in the game. Okay, you'll call?

Hey, I've got to roll, man.

Yeah, Ari. I'll call, I'll call.

Good luck, Charlie.

What luck? You got to take me.
I don't have a car.

You've been in LA
six months and you don't have a car?

Hey, man, I can't afford a car, all right?

Look, get me a job, then I can get a car.

Let's go.

Hey, we gonna outdo
last year's poster, Johnny?

You know it, son. You know it.

So I told the mofo

nobody upstages Johnny Chase.

Okay, perfect, perfect. That's perfect.

Johnny, switch partners
with Ron and take Linda now.

No problem.

Beautiful, I love it.

Okay, spin her again. Spin her again.

As you wish.

Could Dancing with the Stars
be next for us?

Beautiful, beautiful.

Okay, now some more serious stuff.

Everyone just give me a left side pose.

Beautiful. Lovely. Lovely.

Okay, everyone give me a right side pose.

Hey, Johnny, you want to turn to the right?

- Uh, no, not really.
- Oh, God, here we go.

- Why not?
- 'Cause actually, I don't go right.

What do you mean, you don't go right?

I mean, I don't go right. It's my bad side.

- Everyone knows that.
- I didn't know that.

Have you ever seen the show, pal?

Uh, no. But I'm in Europe a lot.

Well, we've done 54 episodes
and I've never gone right.

Even if we do 500 more I never will.

Come on, Johnny. Let's just get this done.

Let him shoot you without
a padded bra, Linda,

then I'll let him shoot my right side.

- I really don't see the issue.
- No?

You don't see this right here?

Maybe we should call the producers.

Maybe we should.

Okay, people, let's take a break.

Go ahead, call the producers.

What, is this guy threatening me?

They know. Eddie Burns knows.
Everyone knows.

Shooting me from the right makes me look...

freakish.

Whoo-hoo!

Come on!

- Whoo!
- Hoo!

- The life, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

- Anyone hungry?
Getting there.

Could we make it to the beach-side fiesta?

When you put it like that, who could say no?

Yo, Vin. Vin, Vin.

It's the real world calling.

- Ma?
- E.

- Really?
- Should I answer it?

Yeah.

Yo, E, what's up?

How's your office?
Any of your wannabes touching my shit?

Your office has remained untouched, Turtle.

And I'm sure it will continue to be.

Now let me talk to Vince.

Not if you're gonna rain
on our parade of pussy.

Put him on the phone, Turtle.

Vin, talk to E.

Yo, E. How goes it?

Great. We got a project for you.

Wow, no hello? No how are you?

Sorry about that, buddy. How are you?

- How do I sound?
- You sound good.

- I am.
- Good.

- How are you?
- I'm good.

Good.

- So what you got?
- A cool genre movie.

The producer really wants you.
Could you come back and meet him?

Yeah, sure. Send the script,
we'll set up a meeting.

- There's no time. It's got to be tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?

What's the rush?
I mean, I'd have to leave right now.

You can't leave before the fiesta.

- Yeah, I can't leave now.
- It's a really good script, Vince.

- Yeah, what is it?
- It's called Danger Beach.

- It's called Danger Beach?
- Sounds stupid.

- It's a working title.
- I don't know. What do you think, girls?

Should I do a movie called Danger Beach?

- Don't think so.
- Nobody here likes it.

- It's a working title.
- Yeah? Well, it's not working for me.

- I'm getting hungry.
- Vince, you got to trust me.

I do trust you, E.
And I love you and I miss you.

But I'm not going back right now.

Not on a day like this.
Not when Maria's cooking.

She cooks like you wouldn't believe.

- Hey, I cook good things too.
- Of course you do.

- Vince!
- E, I got to go. I'm being rude.

- Okay, I'll talk to you later, E.
- Bye.

Later, sucker.

Look, man. Don't worry.

I'll carry The Murphy Group.

What do you mean he's not coming back?

I mean, you want me to say it in Spanish?

Why do I have 300 clients and you have two

and you don't seem to care that one
of them is retiring in his prime?

What is it you think I can do, Ari?

- You two have a little rift?
- What?

Playing the Medellin blame game?

Let it go like a bad piece of pussy.

Just forget that you smelled it and move on.

If he passes on this thing now,

he might as well be Cat Stevens
doing butterfly strokes

in the Caspian Sea searching for Mohammed.

'Cause that's how he's gonna
be viewed in this town.

Look, Ari, I spoke to him, all right?

I know him better than you.
He's not coming back.

Well, then we're going to him.

Drama's the only one who knows where he is.

Call Drama and meet me
at the Van Nuys airport in 40 minutes.

Oh, really? Are you supplying the plane?

That's how much I care.

- How'd it go?
- Shitty.

- I'm sorry, buddy.
- No, man, I let you down.

No, you didn't. We'll get 'em next time.
Don't worry about it.

- All right.
- Do me a favor though?

- What's up?
- Drive me to the airport.

Take my car for the night.

Shit, fuck the audition. Let's roll.

You see what I'm talking about, right, babe?

I look awful from this side.

I wouldn't say awful,
but I see what you're saying.

You're the only one who gets me.

Just let them shoot you how they want

and if it doesn't look good they won't use it.

Oh, baby, I love your naiveté,
but you don't get this town.

You've got to cover your own
ass 'cause no one else will.

They can say what they want,

but I know the reason
I got recast for the Models Inc. Pilot

was because the director
kept shooting me from the right side.

That's why test scores said
teenage girls were scared of me.

But how can anyone be scared of you?

- Shit. Who is it?
- It's Tommy, Drama.

They got Ben Silverman
coming down from his office.

You better get your ass out here now.

Jesus, the network chairman
is coming down right now.

Just do what he says, Johnny.

I can't do that, baby.

I struggled for 20 years to get to where I am.

I'm not gonna let them force
me to looking stupid again.

- I won't do it, no way.
- Drama!

Hey, Tommy, thanks. But you tell Silverman

I'm not doing it. Not for him, not for no one.

Johnny, you have me so worried.

Hold on one second, baby.
One second. Yeah?

Drama, I need to know exactly
where you sent Vince to in Mexico.

No go, E. It's a hideaway.

Vince said nobody gets to go
unless he says so.

- Drama, he's coming.
- E, I can't talk right now.

Drama, it's an emergency.

An emergency? Is baby bro in trouble?

Yeah, kind of.

I'm on my way.

Baby, I've got to fly. Vince is in trouble.

I'll call you back in two minutes, okay?

- Tweet.
- Chirp.

- Johnny Chase.
- Mr. Chairman.

Shoot me any way you want.

I've got to get to Mexico.

Fucking waste of time.

I could use another shot
if you guys are gonna do this.

Boss, the plane. The plane.

How many times you gonna do
that joke, Turtle?

Till it don't get a laugh, baby.

- Come on, Carol, that was funny, right?
- Eh.

Fresh air.

- Oh, my God.
- Jesus.

- Look at you.
- E, what's up, bud?

- Nice suit.
- I love it. Good to see you.

Wow, you guys must be really desperate
to come running down here.

Listen, the producer Carl Ertz, six for six.

Yeah, I know Carl.

Yeah, he makes 'em for cheap
and they make big bucks.

It's a perfect way
for you to come back strong, Vince,

on a movie you don't have to carry 'cause
the genre already has a built-in audience.

Oh, yeah?
Is there any kind of role in this movie?

One that requires me to act?

Yeah, the same kind
of role Shia LaBeouf had in Disturbia.

You look scared a few times,
smile so girls want to fuck you

and then laugh your way all the way
to the next Raiders ofthe Lost Ark.

- Boom!
- Sounds challenging.

Listen, we need to get
the 18-25-year-olds back.

The ones that have forgotten you exist.

They've forgotten that I exist?

Don't take it personally, bro.

The whole country's on meth.

- So what do you think, Vince?
- I don't know.

I don't feel like running back right now

for a non-challenging career move.

We're having a good time here.
Even Turtle's getting laid.

- Yeah, a lot.
- It's vacation pussy. Anyone can get that.

You see these girls back in the States,
they won't even look your way.

I think you're arguing against our
point there, Drama.

Look, we are desperate.
We haven't had an offer in six months.

You guys are starting to sound alike.

Starting to look alike too.

Vinnie, listen.

What happens if another
offer doesn't come in?

It may not. What then?

What if one doesn't?
You think I'm gonna suffer?

I mean, come on. Look at this place.

I live like a king for $79 a day.

I got great food, fantastic women,

and I wake up every morning
with a big fat smile on my face.

Look at you guys.

Fighting the rat race.
Wearing uncomfortable shoes.

Angry all the time.

Life is not all about
making money and movies.

- At least mine isn't.
- Vince!

Ari, it's siesta time. It's time to chill.

We'll talk about it over dinner.

- We're not staying for dinner.
- I know.

You guys should stay. The food's real good.

But know if you do stay,
you guys are sharing the hammock.

Vince, can I talk to you alone for a second?

Is it gonna be another one
of your famous pep talks?

Call it what you want. Two seconds, come on.

Excuse me, ladies.

You really want to go out
on the bottom, Vince?

- Bottom?
- Yeah.

Medellin sucked
and the whole world knows it.

You disappear now that's all people
are gonna remember you for.

When did I ever care about what people think?

All right, maybe you can go
out like this, but I can't.

I'm the one that found Medellin.

I got to spend the rest of my life thinking

I ruined my best friend's career
'cause I couldn't make it good?

I know how good you are, Vince, and I
know you got big things ahead of you.

You've done everything for me, buddy,
but you've got to do one more thing.

You've got to help me let you get back
to where you were supposed to be.

Then you can retire on any beach you want

and you won't have to worry
about me killing myself.

That's a pep talk?

All right, E. I'll go for you.

Thank you.

Hey, Ari,

get the plane ready. We're going home.

Wait, wait, wait, I need an hour.

Carol, I'm leaving tonight, baby.

You need to shave.

- My face feels weird.
I feel you, bro.

I felt like an amputee when I played
that high school swimmer

with alopecia back on 7th Heaven.

Vince with alopecia would still look
better than you do, Drama.

You know, this script is not that bad.

Will you stop reading and driving,
please, before you kill us?

Sorry, I picked it up on the can
this morning and I couldn't put it down.

It is good. You were right, E.

- Real dumb title though.
- Real dumb.

Reminds me of a Hitchcock movie.

What do you guys think
of M is for Amnesia?

I think the tropical sun melted your brain.

- No good, Vin?
- No good, Turtle.

- What about High Tide?
- I like that.

That is pretty good, actually.

See? I have a purpose here.
What's yours, Drama?

It's my day off. Get off my ass.

- There he is.
- What are you doing here?

- Moral support.
- I told you I don't need any.

- Well, I'm here just in case.
- It'll be fine.

Tear it up, baby bro. Tear it up.

You're back, Vin.

This is what you losers
do all these years? You wait?

Sometimes when I'm alone I do that.

- Ha ha!
- I'm going back to the office.

- Later.
- I got girl on girl too, Ari.

Will you roll up the window, you idiot?

Look, Vincent Chase.

I thought he was dead.

Only till he's alive again.

- Oh, Jesus.
- What?

- So, Mexico, huh?
- It was phenomenal.

I'm more of a Caribbean guy myself.

Lot of history.

So, Danger Beach.

You know, I have to say, I read it on the plane

and it is really, really good.

- You sound surprised.
- The title threw me at first.

But it's a unique story and this character
is better than I've seen in a long time.

Fantastic. And you know
we're working on the title now.

What do you think about High Tide?

High Tide. I like that. I like that a lot.

- Hi, Carl.
- It's got a... Adam.

Nice to see you. You know Vinnie Chase.

I do. I used to represent Johnny.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Crazy running into you here.

Indeed. Always good to see you, Adam.

Guess I'll talk to you soon.

I guess so.

- He seems angry.
- He's an agent.

They're all pricks.

Ari Gold's office.

Really? Interesting.

Adam Davies calling.

For me?

If you need a kidney, Adam,
I'm not willing to donate.

But I am willing to watch you slowly die
if you're looking for that kind of thing.

- You lost your touch, Ari.
- Oh, yeah? How's that?

Ertz doesn't want Vince. You were set up.

He was just trying to force
me to close Emile Hirsch

at $2 million less than I wanted.

Explain to your client that you dragged
him back here for nothing.

I'm gonna skull-fuck you, Davies!

You just did, Ari.

- What did he want?
- Fuck you, Yoko.

Get E on the phone.

- I will beat Carl Ertz's ass.
- Will you calm down?

No, no, no calm. Let's go to his house

and beat him in front of his kids.

I know where he lives.
I used to drive him home from softball.

I still see him at the rub and tug
every now and then.

You have a girlfriend.
I thought you didn't do that anymore.

I go there for facials, asshole.

Come on, Turtle, let's go kill Ertz.

Guys, will you stop it?
I appreciate the backing

but no one's killing Ertz, all right?

You should kill me 'cause it's my fault again.

Shut up. You couldn't have seen this coming.

Nobody could have.
And you didn't push me into Medellin.

We did it together.

Well, thanks. I appreciate that.

Although you did approve the makeup.

The guy said it was gonna look good
on film. How am I supposed to know?

It didn't.

Oh, boy. So what now?

- Back to Mexico?
- Are you out of your mind?

I'm not going out like this.

I thought you don't care what people think?

- I care a little.
- You're gonna be bigger than ever, Vince.

You're gonna take back the throne.

If I made it back, so can you, baby bro.

Thanks, Johnny.

It's right here. Kill the lights. Kill 'em.

- What are we gonna do?
- I'm gonna golf, you're gonna caddy.

Five iron.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. The Maserati, really?

It is nice.

- What are you, the Godfather?
- I'm sending a message.

- Saying what?
- Aquaman will be back.