Enlisted (2014): Season 1, Episode 5 - Rear D Day - full transcript

Go, go, go, go...

Who's laughing now, daddy?

Ooh.

- Oh, yeah, greaseballing, son!
- Randy.

Ooh, ooh.

You slicked up Chubowski
and bowled with him?

Why didn't you come get me?

And stop it.

Uh, permission to
succumb to my wounds.

Hey, brother, we're just
making a safety video

- about the dangers of grease.
- No chance that's true.



No chance that's true at all. We're
making stupid videos for the Internet.

- But before you get mad...
- Too late.

Our audience is going to love it.

Is your audience a guy that can
make you do push-ups all days?

- It's more like 12-year-old.
- Mmhmm?

Randy, this is not just
a kids' video, okay?

This is free-form art.

Now, Pete, please look
into the camera and say,

"now, that's what I call
a slippery situation."

No. All right?

I don't care how much fun it is.
It's over.

Yeah!

All right, now it's over.
That's it.

Oh. He's fine. He's fine.



- He's still breathing.
- Medic!

The army is filled with
troops on heroic missions,

and then there's us.

We take care of things at home.

We are the Rear Detachment.

Yes, we're soldiers.

Enlisted - S01E05
Rear D Day

Good morning, everyone.

Chubowski is still injured
and covered in toxic grease,

but the rest of us
have work to do.

We are gonna resupply the snack
machine in the mess hall.

That is gonna rock, huh?

Who's with me?

You heard Sergeant Hill.
Get up for snacks.

Tasty snack, icy cold lemonade...
I feel weird.

What's with the
positive attitude, Rachel Ray?

You hate Rear D. Oh...

You're on one of your
realizations again, aren't you?

Pete wakes up with these
realizations, like...

Kale's a super food. And, uh,
social media's tearing us apart.

People used to have
conversations.

Whatever your latest realization is, just
don't expect us to buy into it, okay?

I buy into it, Pete.
What is it?

- When I was deployed...
- Here we go.

The only way to get
through a bad mission

was to embrace the suck.

Now, I realize that
Rear D is no different.

- I'm glad I bought into that.
- You're damn right you are.

And Kale is a super food.
It's showing up on every menu.

You can't even get a real
Caesar salad anymore.

You got to embrace the suck.

You know how many fences
in Afghanistan that I built,

then blew up and then rebuilt?

How many? 10, 20, 40, 100, 200...
Should I go by hundreds?

- You can't embrace this job, all right?
- 300, 400... 1,000.

There's no "whistle
while you work" here,

unless you count the sound that
dobkiss makes when he's tired.

A donkey kicked me in my
esophagus when I was six.

- Huh.
- I so embrace our job.

We maintain the base,
we take care of its families.

Our job is like a majestic
bald eagle you just want to hug.

And eagle clawed my eyeballs
when I was ten.

How are you still alive?
Part of me died a long time ago.

- At ease.
- Carry on.

Do you like tablet computers?

- I do.
- Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Me, too.
In bed or on the go.

I get to watch dumb crap.

Yeah!

Now, that's what I call
a slippery situation. Whoa!

Dude. I really
nailed that framing.

Pete, your voice sounds weird.

There will be no more making of videos
on this post.

As for your
corrective training...

There's a deployed
soldier's husband

who needs a little work
around the house.

We take care of our own here.

I don't know if you've heard,
but I'm going to be

an awesome Rear D
soldier now.

Well, that's super duper.

Feel like you're being sarcastic.

- Sergeant Major?
- One moment, Sergeant Perez.

Sergeant Hill has actually
decided to try at his job.

So we're celebrating.

Hooray.

- Why do you have those in your desk?
- I'm a festive man.

I was wondering if you'd
considered my application

for the advanced
leader course.

I'm headed to town
for coffee in an hour.

Join me. We'll talk.

I would love that.
Thank you.

Hey. I like coffee.

If it looks like I'm
playing favorites,

well, it's because
she is my favorite.

It's nothing personal.
It's just that she's a person

who I like more than I like you.

When Sergeant Major
approves me for ALC,

I'll be in line
for a promotion

and I will finally
get some respect.

Oh, you crave that, too?

'Cause I just had a popper
go off in my face.

And that
was a great moment.

But it's
different for me.

When people see
you, they say,

"there goes a
brave soldier."

People see me, they say,
"look, a lady one."

Oh, come on, you're way more
than just a lady one.

Here it comes.

Yeah, you're also
a rules freak, a suck-up.

You smell like
pancakes sometimes.

Now, that's not
a bad thing.

It's just worth
commenting on.

Yes, I am good at my job
and I smell like America.

You know, I feel
sorry for whatever

army wife you're about to
release this charisma on.

Mm. Joke's on you,
'cause it is a dude.

Name's Rodney Spratz.

Rodney.

Why are you laughing?

- What up, Brosephs?
- Oh, boy.

Come on in, guys.
I'll show you around.

Well, this over here, now,
this is my man cave. Right?

- Yeah.
- Hey, look, I got

two scarf ace posters over there.

Now, one of 'em's real...

One has my face.

That is awesome.
Which is which?

Hey, that's my boy, Tim.

Hey, Timbo.

Hi, Tim.

Say hello to your
dad's new friends, Timbo.

We're out of eggs, Rodney.

Well, I... I'll get right on that.

'Cause I am your dad.

So call me dad.

Okay.
He's great, yeah.

So, Rodney...
Yeah?

What do you need?

I just converted
my laundry room

into a closet to
age my home brew.

So I need a new place
to put the washer and dryer.

So let's float
this puppy upstairs!

If anybody needs me,
I'll be making nachos.

So... Rodney sucks.
Come on, guys,

we can do this.

Oh, yeah? What are
you thinking here,

teleportation, or just some
good old-fashioned wizardry?

None of those
are real, Derrick.

Look, I appreciate
that you're committed

to this whole
"Rear D's awesome" realization,

but I give you about ten minutes
before you turn into T-man.

I am not gonna turn
into temper man.

Why'd you bring up
T-man, Derrick?

Nobody said T-man, Pete.

I just said it,
but don't listen.

Okay, I haven't turned
in to T-man in, like...

Two weeks?
When you punched that colonel

and got kicked out
of Afghanistan?

On international soil.
It doesn't count.

It's international soil.
It doesn't count.

How about when
you lost state and threw

that second-place trophy
through a plate-glass window?

I was just trying to put
the trophy in the case,

- and it slipped.
- It was slippery.

What about the time you beat up
the cotton candy machine

'cause you were too short
to ride

the log flume
at that amusement Park?

You know I was taller
than that bear's paw!

Oh, T-man?

Ah... Hey, are you in there?

I'm not turning into T-man.
You know why?

'Cause I got
a new attitude, pal.

I am a Rear D man now,

and a Rear D man
embraces his suck.

All right, now that we've chased
these unpleasant memories

to the darkness
where they belong,

let's get our suck on!

Let's embrace getting our
suck on! I feel weird. Let's go.

So, the advanced
leader course would

really speed along
my promotion.

Very good.

Sergeant Major?

You know, kids are
a son of a bitch.

Come again now?

I gotta tell you,

I am having a lot of trouble
with my teenage daughter.

She's going through
"the change."

I don't think that means
what you think it means.

She used to be so sweet.

Now she's a moody
little mini-woman.

Uh, have you tried
talking to her?

I try,

but she's all,
"don't go there."

I'm, like, "go where?"

I don't know where I'm going.

I'm sorry about that,
Sergeant Major.

So... about that
leadership course...

Um, you want to go
someplace else? You hungry?

Push, push, push!

Derrick, are you
pushing down?

Oh, no, I'm not doing
anything at all.

Hang on there.

Oh, these are still wet.

Carry on.

There's a damn carpet
in here!

There we go.
There we go.

Unbelievable pain.

Oh, yeah!

Hey, uh, has anyone
seen T-man?

No, I haven't
seen him at all.

Because he is dead
and gone.

Oh, no!

I'm not going to the funeral,

but I'll send white flowers
and an oversized card.

I mean, I will make a donation
to his favorite charity.

Hey, we did it!

You know what
I always tell my men...

"Embrace the task."

So, remember, if there's
ever anything you need,

we're here for you.
Anything.

Welcome to my backyard!

I've always wanted

to turn this into a sports court
for me and Timbo.

I'm talking about batting cage
and a mini ab station.

Hey, you know what?
I'll get my sketches.

Oh, not gonna go that way.
There's thorns over there.

Oh, and there's a snake
that lives down there.

I think she just had babies.

Real protective
right now.

Just be careful. Okay.

I just want to say
for the record

that none of this
would have happened

if not for Pete's new attitude.
So, well done.

Yeah, well done, Pete.

I was being sarcastic.

Maybe we can just
get a flamethrower

and torch Rodney's yard.

Are we seriously getting
a flamethrower?

Are we really building
this guy a sports court?

Derrick, do not get us off topic.
So, about this flamethrower?

Part of embracing the suck

is to not give up
when things get suckier.

So if I'm to understand,
this flamethrower is still in play.

Randy,
there is no flamethrower.

This has been
one big roller coaster ride.

- Okay.
- Come on. It's just us.

- Admit that you hate this.
- We're Rear D soldiers.

We're gonna do
what we got to do,

and we're gonna do it
with a smile.

- You are so full of...
- Wisdom?

Confidence?
A passion for excellence?

Crap, Randy.

You can't keep this up. I bet we'll
see T-man before the day is done.

I will take that
bet, and I will take it with a smile.

I will watch you lose
that bet with a smile.

Pete's gonna win,
we're all gonna smile,

Rodney's gonna get
a sports court...

It's gonna be a really
great day all around.

Ready? Break!

You just got exploded.

Boom.

Teenage girls act crazy because
of their hormones, right?

That's probably fair to say.

Can I stop them?
Can you stop... hormones?

Does spicy food have any effect?

What about the moon?

Friend or foe?

Sergeant Major,

did you get into the Internet?

Ever since my wife and I split,

I don't have a woman
to turn to for help.

Sergeant Major,
while I'm happy...

What I'm really worried about

is this guy
my daughter's dating.

Just look at him!

Look at who?

Have we been spying
on your daughter's date?

I've been spying.

You've been picking
at some jambalaya.

Let's go.
They're on the move.

- What do you want me to do?
- Blend in. Duh.

The trees, bushes, plants...
They all got to be cleared out.

Oh, FYI, the fire ants have
kind of taken over back here.

No biggie smalls.
Just wear gloves.

Oh, but check the gloves
because fire ants love

- hanging out in gloves.
- There's the silver lining.

It's pretty cool your dad's
new buds are helping out, right?

They're not your buds.

Oh, snap.

Classic burn about us not being
your dad's buds, Tim!

Which we are!

I wanted to make it
less awkward.

Did you say less or
three times more? Less.

See, that's why
I need the sports court.

I got to get Timbo out
of his room

and doing some real
guy stuff, you know?

Trying to raise that kid alone
while his mom is deployed

has not been easy.

We get it. Our mom raised us
while our dad was deployed.

Well, she had some help.
I stepped in a lot

to raise these knuckleheads.

- Knuckleheads.
- And here we are,

cutting down trees,
a job they make prisoners do.

So you did a spectacular job.

Well, Rodney,
this is one Rear D soldier

who's ready to embrace
this task.

- Who's with me?
- Hooah!

- I got one!
- Dude, with me on three.

- Okay.
- One, two, three.

- Hooah! Hooah!
- How do you say it?

- Hooah!
- Yeah, it's guttural, you know?

- Hooah! - Let's get started.
- We're gonna get this.

Feels good. It gets you
pumped up for anything.

Found a bathtub!

Hey, you guys can make
a planter out of that.

Just trying to focus
on the sports court, buddy.

Hey, Peter.

You look a little
frustrated.

Why don't you take a break,

have a little tea... man?

Look, I'm actually

having a great time, because
I know that you're miserable.

Which is fine, because we're all
miserable, too. Right, guys?

I have ten fire ant bites!

I don't do well in the sun.

I am badly burned.

It's like my boob sweat
is cousins with my back sweat

and they're having a
Thanksgiving dinner downstairs.

Yeah, that's...
That's disgusting.

We're all right here with you.

So come on, man.

Let T-man out of his cage.

It's gonna feel so good!

T-man. T-man...

T-man, T-man,

T-man, T-man...

Come on, boo-boo, let T-man out.

Let him out!

It's not gonna work, guys.

All right?

T-man doesn't live here anymore.

Tell 'em, Randy.

Aw.

Where's my hype man?

Psst, little boy.

I'm right behind you. Ah!

It's okay.

I have been watching
you for a long time.

Let me start that over.

What are you watching?

Funny videos?

Oh, those are funny.

Type in "awesome
soldier lipsync."

♪ Ay, me gusta ♪

♪ Dat Booty... ♪

Yeah, that's me.
What's up?

Hey, since
I'm right here,

did you ever think about maybe
cutting your dad some slack?

- Why? My dad's lame.
- That's a great point.

But look,

when my dad
was deployed,

my mom had a real
tough time,

so I understand...

All right, that's cool.

It's probably
breezy. Um...

I'll come around
if you want to talk.

Now I get what
you're doing.

She went and then
start screaming at us.

Sometimes she can...

I can't believe I'm doing this.

The boy has a chain wallet,

he's probably full
of condoms and reefer.

I thought that was really funny.

She said she wants
a tatoo of a daisy.

Is that a code
for anything?

Mine isn't.

Who takes a girl to see
a giant robot movie?

Can we please talk
about my career?

- First, let's talk about pads.
- Let's never talk about pads!

What are you...

Hey, guys. Hi.

Were you serious
about not talking about pads?

He literally dug his own grave.

Finished, huh?

I dedicate this court to
T-man, God rest his soul.

Dobkiss,
you still in that hole?

Thanks, bros!

Looks great! I don't see
my ab station anywhere,

but, eh, you know what,
I like my curves.

- If you're happy, we're happy, Rodney.
- Yeah.

Hey, it's a good thing you only
had to do some yard stuff, right?

It's not like you had to do any real
soldier work, am I right?

Welcome to the rodeo.

So, um...

- We're not real soldiers?
- It's not like you're deployed.

I mean, it's hard to tell
what's real sometimes, right?

I mean, what is real?

- Am I real?
- Who knows?

- Is she real?
- I'm really real.

What about this bench?

Is this bench real?
Let's find out.

Oh!

Oh!

Sergeant Hill,
what are you doing?!

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, let's...

Let the fire burn.

Oh, it's burning.

Oh, there it goes.

T-man's kind of uncoordinated.

Sergeant Hill?

Yeah, get it over that fence,
Pete! Good stuff!

Hey! Hey!

I'm out of the hospital
and ready to work!

That doesn't seem fair.

You know what is real, Rodney?

You're a giant pain in the ass.

The only thing worse
than being yelled at by Cody

is the anticipation of it.

It's like... opposite Christmas.

Are you kidding?

T-man chucked a batting cage.
This is like super Christmas.

You just love chaos.

- I do. You can call me the Joker.
- Then that makes me Batman.

If you're Batman,
you're crappy Batman.

You're George Clooney Batman,
all right?

You sank the franchise.

But then I rose again.

Isn't that right, Robin?

I'm just eating my eggs
over here.

At ease! Carry on.

- Sergeant Hill.
- Here we go.

- Here we go.
- Rodney called.

Rodney. Yeah.

To thank me for your work.

Seems like your new attitude
is the real deal.

You've earned yourself
one of these.

- What is that?
- That's a real smile.

Ah. It's the same as the fake smile.

Yes!

Looks like Rodney's too afraid
to rat us out.

What do you say about that,
Robin? Up top.

Robin only works for a hero.

You're no hero.
You're a dick.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

- Shut up.
- Other soldiers.

♪ Fa LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! ♪

Oh, Sergeant Perez.

Look, I just got a text
from my daughter,

but I don't think
it was meant for me.

Uh, "wut up
dinkie-do? Lulz."

Smiley face, smiley face,
picture of a rainbow.

Does that mean
she's on drugs?

Sergeant Major,
I spent most of yesterday

spying on your daughter,
and you didn't talk

about the leadership
course once.

I just thought that as a woman,
you could help me out.

It's bad enough when a civilian
sees me as just that.

It's a lot worse from you.

Ooh, a lady one.

I will end you!

All right.

What's going on?

I think I made it clear,
Sergeant.

You're a slang word
for genitals.

- Ooh.
- That slang word

is a crazy disrespectful thing
to call a superior,

Randy, but... gonna ignore it
'cause I'm your brother,

and I want to know
what's going on.

Look, sure,
Rodney abused the system.

And, yes, he's annoying.

But remember how hard it was
for mom while dad was deployed?

Yeah. It was hard.

It's got to be hard
for Rodney, too,

maybe harder because
we like our mom.

Rodney's kid thinks he's a dork,
and you had to go off on him

and justify everything
that kid thought.

Man,

I am a slang word for genitals.

Yeah, you are. I don't feel
good about today anymore.

- You want to apologize?
- No, no, of course not.

Right.

You need to go apologize, Pete.

Embrace your own suck.

Pretty profound stuff from a guy

whose favorite food
used to be pennies.

- He did love pennies.
- Yep.

But he's right.
I mean...

Look, you always try to set
a good example for us...

Not that I'd ever follow it...

But, at the very least,

it's what mom
would want you to do.

She's a great mom, huh?

Amazing.
Yeah.

She's the best mom in the world.

I'm not gonna cry.

I am. I love you, mom.

I love her, too.

I love her the most.

Don't make it a competition.

I love you, mom, so much.

Keep crying, ladies.
This is great.

Our tears are private, private!

Sergeant Major, before
you say anything,

- I know I was out of line.
- You weren't.

I got you something.

It's a thermos.

Keeps cold things cold
and hot things hot.

The salesman assured me
that it was gender-neutral.

Ah.

Please.
Mmm.

Look, I've got a bad habit
of putting what I want first.

At least, that's what
my ex-wife says.

It's just...

I don't feel like a good dad.

All you can
do is care.

My parents weren't there
for me, like... like, ever.

My dad was in jail,
my mom wasn't home,

my Uncle Rico was beaten to death
with a sock full of oranges.

Or was it doorknobs?

No, it was oranges.
His corpse was sticky.

Stop telling me things.

Sorry. I'm just saying
I had no one.

Your daughter has someone great.

Thanks.

Look,

you may not have had anyone
who cared back then,

but you've got someone
who cares now.

Thanks for talking.

We can still talk, but...

Maybe after we discuss
the leadership course.

Oh, I've already approved that.

You deserve it.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.

So...

Oranges? Really?

Yeah, so the key is you put 'em
in the freezer the night before,

so they get really nice and
solid and then you can just...

Go back to not telling me things.

I'm really sorry,
Rodney.

I was totally
out of line.

Well, thank you.

Cheers.

Oh, this beer's gelatinous.

Am I tasting pork?

This is Rodney's
summer pig roast ale.

- And it sucks.
- Yeah.

I'm lame and I can't even
make good beer.

Hey, don't beat yourself up.

- My son doesn't even respect me.
- That's not true.

He sits in his room
all day long.

That's why I thought that
sports court was a good idea.

Yeah, I'm not so sure he'd be
into a sports court anyway.

Listen, I was talking to Randy,
and... I may have an idea.

Wow!

Hi-ya!

I really believe
that's happening!

Thank you, guys.

Aw, it's no problem, Rodney.

Rear D takes care
of its own.

Really?

I had to walk back
from the hospital twice. Twice!

Eh, let's watch it again.