Enlisted (2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - Homecoming - full transcript

Morning, Sergeant Major.

Sergeant Major.

Looks like the field's up to snuff
for this year's football match.

Well, I don't know about the army,
but in the marines, we call it a "game."

Oh, how quickly I remember why
this rivalry steams my trousers.

If you can call it a rivalry.

Let's debate the meaning
of every word I say.

Why not? What's "not"? Is "not" a word?

My marines haven't
lost this game in ten years.

You haven't scored in three.

- Should we skip the bet this year?
- Oh, the bet is on.



Usual terms...

Loser displays this poster in his office,

and sends a holiday
card posing in front of it...

In a stupid sweater.

And this year, we got a secret weapon.

Time to knock the cobwebs off
the ol' rocket launcher.

Oh, God.

Too bad you don't
still have that half shirt

you used to wear to
practice in high school.

Still got it. Still fits.

It would fit a pregnant
woman... it's a half shirt.

Hey, hi.

Lock the door, man!

Wait a second, are you crying?



It's healthy to cry when you do this.

- No, it's not.
- No, it is not.

A soldier returns home from war
to surprise his loving family,

and then they all hug.

You can't not cry.

- Ah.
- Okay, well, the good news is,

we're talking about
two entirely different things.

What were you guys talking about?

- Doesn't matter.
- Nah.

These videos are like emotional coffee...

Get you going. You should try it.

Yeah, I'm good.

Some family I don't know getting all weepy

over a surprise I saw
coming a mile away? Pass.

I saw it coming a mile away.

Can you imagine if they had these
videos when our dad was around?

That movie would have been better than
Jaws and The Little Mermaid combined.

Yeah.

Hey, p-wads, you want to eat?
What you watching?

The soldier.

That's some good coffee.

The army is filled
with troops on heroic missions,

and then there's us.

We take care of things at home.

We are the Rear Detachment.

Yes, we're soldiers.

Enlisted S01E04
Homecoming

Nobody can cover
my shift on Saturday?

It's my kid's birthday.
And you know my ex is deployed.

Half the staff's out with the flu.
I've got my erotic fiction boot camp.

This is on you.

So...

Saturday is Sam's birthday?

Yeah. I was gonna take him to Disney World.
He's been talking about it for weeks.

Oh, sweet! Is he gonna wear the ears?
He has to wear the ears.

Okay, do you want me to talk to him?

- Randy, he's not going.
- Oh, he's gonna be so disappointed.

Ow!

That is for never understanding anything.

- Thank you.
- Ow!

That's for missing a golden opportunity.

Yeah, dude.

I will bite you.

Take the kid to Disney world.

It'll be the best birthday he's ever had,

and you will look like
a hero in front of Erin...

Something that I...
happen to know a little bit about.

Ow!

We've been meaning to talk to you
about this whole hero thing.

Maybe let other people say it.

Like me. You're a hero.

Thank you.

Fine, but are you trying to move
the ball down the field with Erin or what?

Not everything has to be
a football metaphor, but yeah,

I do really like Erin a lot.

- Oh...
- Shut up.

That's why I got to be careful.
She's a single mom with a young son.

If either one of them has any doubts,
then I'm getting thrown out the door.

So no big moves... taking the kid
to Disney World solo, not the move.

- Isn't no move also a move?
- Just said something there, brother.

You need to go big, man.

You need to jump off that cliff, and trust
that love will be your parachute.

Let it be your parachute.

That's stupid.

Hope my backup chute works!

He got the backup.

Ooh.

Deliver a baby on two. Hut, hut...

Just one more push, boo boo.

Good lord, the pain!

I'm not ready to be a mother.

Your body's doing what it was built to do.

Here it comes!

I want my baby.

What in the hell are you doing?

Football practice.

Oh, thank God this
year's gonna be different.

Somebody call for a hero?

Ah. You got to give me that one.

- No, we don't.
- I'll allow it.

Quarterback Pete Hill
reporting for duty.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm the quarterback.

Ooh. Oh, about that, Sergeant Perez,

- you're fired.
- What?

- But be cool about it. Be cool.
- But I...

- Be cool.
- Sergeant Hill was on the cover

of parade magazine.

It's a pretty big get.

Great shirt, Pete.

Thanks, buddy.

No.

- This is because he
played in high school? - Well...

I dated a rapper in eighth
grade... am I Beyonc??

Oh...

Show her your spin move.

Is this really happening?

You can't even catch those
flags... that's too fast.

Look, I'm sorry, Sergeant Perez,

but this isn't a game,
this is flag football!

Fast as lightning, and twice as deadly.

That's really good.

Last time we had fish,
it was in the chow hall,

and they spelled "salmon"
without the "I" or the "o."

Oh, "Sam-n." Yeah.

Months later, it's the base
coat for every burp. So, sex?

- Absolutely not.
- Okay.

The lightbulb's out in my room.

- Oh.
- Really?

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Did I mention that he's in a dramatic mood?

There's a cartoon mouse
that's tearing our family apart.

Yeah, I hear you have a birthday
coming up. That's exciting.

Yeah.

And I hear you've got
a special birthday wish, huh?

Uh, what are you doing?

I-I got this.

Hey, why don't you tell
me your special wish,

and I'll see if I can make it happen.

I want to see my dad.

Oh.

But he's at war.

Let's start over.

Why don't you tell me where
you want to go for your birthday.

I want to go anywhere with my dad.

I feel like you're focusing
a little too much on the who.

Why don't you just steer
it on back to the where.

He's in Afghanistan.
But can you bring him here?

No, Sam.

He said he could.

Y-yeah, I-I-I could
maybe talk to someone.

No, Sam, not really.

Look, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,

but don't let the puppy eyes
back you into a corner.

I mean, I know you can't really do this.

Can you?

Uh...

Uh...

Yeah, as... uh, Sergeant
Major Cody's a friend, so...

Yeah.

Oh!

Oh, thank you! Oh!

- A second hug.
- That would mean so much.

Thank you, mom's boyfriend.

Oh, you're welcome, mom's kid.

Please stop laughing, Sergeant Major.

You promised that we'd bring
a man home from war.

I mean, I've said some crazy things
in the throes of passion,

but this is the craziest.

- It wasn't in the throes of passion.
- Well, then you got a raw deal.

- So it's not something you can do?
- It is absolutely 100% impossible.

- Sergeant Major.
- Yes, private.

I've got some thoughts
that may be of service.

Could this best be expressed
in a letter I won't read?

Picture this... A crisp fall day,
the army-marine flag football game

has just drawn to a close.

Our mascot, McAlligator... that's me,
I'm gonna make the costume,

takes the field for a punt-pass-kick
competition with the kids.

In the distance comes a soldier...

Home from war.

Now, his son doesn't see him,
'cause he's too focused

on McAlligator, who, again, is me.

The soldier kneels.

The boy turns.

And now...

He sees it's his father.

Tears, tears, tears. I'm tearing up.

This is something I never
got to do with my dad.

This isn't about me. Get it together!

Point is...

This could be the greatest
soldier-reunion video ever.

I'll try opening up our windows
at night, let the air in.

- I'm in.
- What's that?

This is how we show
the Marines who's boss.

First I win my bet.

Then we play the heart
strings like yo-yo ma.

So you can bring him home?

I'd have to call in a few favors.

Well, then why did you
say it was impossible?

Why'd you make it sound so boring?

Hot damn!

This is gonna be a moment for the ages.

This better be a moment for the ages.

All right, we'll start with the
play that got me to state.

Arson almost got me to state.

That is prison, this was high school.

Now, it starts with
the boldest of deceptions

and ends in glory.

- It's like a greatness sandwich.
- How is that a sandwich?

It's a metaphor.

Yeah, but you just said two things,
and a sandwich is at least three things.

Unless it's a poor people's sandwich,

when you fold the bread over
some mayonnaise and cry

because your grandma is doing
the best that she can.

I'm just trying to light
a fire under you guys.

- Now you're speaking my language.
- Here's the play.

- Gumble, slant right.
- Oh, I don't know what that means.

Doesn't matter, 'cause I'm passing the ball
to Ruiz, who will be in the end zone.

That's right. Give me the damn ball.

Oh, it'll be there to greet
you like an old friend.

What's my backstory?

We go on two.

Blue 19!

Hut, hut!

Yeah.

Bravo, Sergeant!

That is the boldest of deceptions.

Which part of the sandwich is this?

Sergeant Hill has four
inches of shrapnel in his shoulder,

so you're the quarterback.

- Yes!
- Be cool about it.

I knew Mr. State Championship...

I said, "be cool."

And he's still the coach.

Believe me, you were our last option.

That does hurt. It's
heavier than you realize.

Victory.

What the hell?

Wasn't me.

So you're the quarterback.
And you get her ready.

Because before you got hurt,
I doubled down on the bet.

The loser gets...

Cheesecake. Ooh.

Sounds delicious.

This...

Is cheesecake.

I can't lose this bet.

Hi. So, you guys are all set
to pick up Brandon tomorrow?

We got it perfectly timed. His bus gets in

right before the game,
then we whisk him away

to create the greatest, greatest, greatest
memory, memory of your child's life.

Making me, uh, uh...

What's the word that Pete always uses?

A hero.

I'm a humble man, Randy.

But he's right.

This is amazing.

So she's expecting amazing.

You're gonna help me make
this amazing, right?

I love that you're turning to me for help.

For once I'm, like, your big brother.

- Come here for a noogie. Come here.
- No. Just help me make it amazing, okay?

There's a... there's a lot riding on you.
Should I be worried?

I got this, baby bro.

I got this.

So I should be worried.

You want to win?

You got to study game film.

Wow.

Who, do you ask, is that flash
running up the sideline,

scoring the game-winning
and final touchdown?

Well, that is M.V. Pete.

- That's catchy, huh?
- Do you want to be alone with these tapes?

God, I wouldn't hate it,
but we got a lot of work to do.

Now, we are about to face
a worthy opponent.

Are they better than us?

No!

I got to believe yes,
but I'm about to teach you

the most sophisticated
offense ever devised.

It boils down to 30 basic plays,
each with audible options,

depending on how they stacked the box.

Okay, it boils down to ten basic plays.

Five plays. Five.

Knock it down to three,
and we've got a deal.

If we get them under our belts,

I promise you we will
torch these guys. Metaphor.

All right, keep your eyes peeled
for the name tag Brandon Stone.

Hey, hey.

Wow.

That's the reunion I'd
have wanted with our dad.

Simple, intimate, classic.

Where's Brandon?

Is that him?

The guy with the other family?

No, the old woman who's not in uniform.

That's sarcasm.

It's something big brothers do.

Seriously, though, this is a setback.

Beat the Marines!
Beat the Marines!

Hi, Brandon.
It's, uh, Derrick.

I guess we missed you at the bus stop.

That was what we call a bad surprise.
You know what I'm saying?

As opposed to a good surprise,
which is gonna happen

if you show up at the game, so
just, show up at the game, okay?

Hopefully, you can hear this over
the idiots chanting behind me!

Everything's gonna be fine,
little brother, all right?

It's a father-son reunion
without the father.

But with a McAlligator.

- So plan B.
- Okay.

I take the field with the kids,
Sam's having a total blast,

I say, "hey, buddy, do you miss your dad?"

That's a voice I'm working
on for McAlligator.

I then take the mask off, and he sees me.

He's surprised. I start crying.
It's infectious. You start cheering.

- And why would I cheer?
- 'Cause it's weird if I'm crying and cheering.

It's weird without Brandon... period.

Think different. Steve Jobs.
Am I crazy, or is plan B actually better?

Where I come from, plan B is
when you leave your baby daughter

in the woods during bear season.

Hi, guys. Hey, Brandon?

What a beautiful day for football!

I'm Pam Oliver,

and this is the army
versus marines

in their annual
flag football charity game.

Brandon? No.

Is your name Brandon, by any chance?

Coming to you
on fox sports southeast daytime

not HD limited view.

Anybody watching this?

Hi. Brandon? Brandon, by any chance?

Hi. Hi.

It appears a prankster
has run onto the field

wearing a sling and halter top.

I'm told that's the army coach.

All right, everybody. Huddle up.

Right now, your opponent
is thinking, "we got this."

And you know why?

'Cause they think you're a joke.

And in these troubled times,
we need laughter.

Not at all what I'm saying.

They think they're here for some
candy-ass game of flag football. Huh?

We're about to serve these
punks up a lesson

in Pete-ball! Hooah.

Pete-ball, hooah!

Oh. Ooh.

Oh, wow, those kids are big.

Are you ready to die today?

I will eat your heart!

Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no. No taunting. No.

Let me hear you people!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Oh, yes.

Go! Go! Come on!

Get him! Stop him!

Get him! Hey!

Yup, get him.

Gumble, get him!

Get the flag! Get the flag!

Stop him, you suckers!

- Will somebody get him?
- Keep going!

- I give up.
- I need a gatorade!

Oh.

Oh. God.

Oh! Oh!

Seven points is nothing, you guys!

Run!

All right, 28 points is nothing, you guys.

Oh, wait. He took the ball.

What the...?

56 points is something.

I feel a rally

coming, Sergeant...

That takes us to
the two-minute warning

with the marines leading
the army, 119 to zero.

- Hey, Pete!
- So, on a day when everybody is a winner,

you can't help but feel that is a lie.

Derrick, you let that
guy blow right past you!

Who cares? Brandon was a no-show.

I'm about to lose my girlfriend
in front of a crowd.

Hi.

Hi. Mm.

You guys suck!

- Yes, we do.
- Sergeant Major,

I know you got a lot riding on this game.
I really thought I could get you the win.

- Win?
- Yeah.

I just bet you could score.

- Score?!
- You really thought you could win?

You really are full of yourself.

I was an all-American!

Well, some people peak early.

But I can't lose this bet!

Look at him over there,

taunting me.

Confusing taunt, but
damn it, I feel the burn!

Now...

Score!

All right, change of plans.

We're gonna score.

Gumble, flag right.

I still don't know what that means.

Still doesn't matter, 'cause I'm passing

the ball to Ruiz who will
be in that end zone.

I don't want the damn ball.

Too bad. It'll be there to greet you,

like an old friend.

But, Sergeant Hill, your arm?

Don't worry.

I'll get it there.

Army ranger!

Blue 19!

Marines suck!

Hut! Hut!

Oh!

Damn!

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Guy?

Medic! Need a medic! Is he okay?

Deception!

I'm the medic! Clear the way!

Keep running.

Yeah!

Touchdown... Army!

Army!

- Hey!
- Ooh!

Yeah!

Oh, thank God.

An inconsequential touchdown,

and they're celebrating
for no reason.

A horrific injury was sustained
by the coach in the baby-doll top.

Ready? Got it. Lift. Lift.

I got to cut your
shirt off to get to your arm.

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

You're cutting. No!

And now, part two of my triumph.

We reunite a boy with his father.

Actually, actually, uh,

since the whole reunion
we promised you is not gonna...

Ladies and gentlemen,
McAlligator has invited

some lucky kids

to join him for the punt,
pass and kick competition.

Up first... Sam Stone!

Randy, Rand...

No. No! No!

No! Randy!

Let's start the punt, pass
and kick competition!

Now watch closely for a special surprise.

Randy, no! No! Abort! Abort!

Is this it? So Brandon's just gonna come up
behind him and tap him on the shoulder?

That would be amazing, wouldn't it? But...

Is that not what's gonna happen?

Listen, I'm sorry,
okay, but-but Brandon...

Hey.

Brandon's...

- Sam!
- Dad!

Right there!

Whoa! That was a surprise.

Hi. Ah!

Welcome home, Sergeant Stone!

Love you.

Daddy, why didn't you love me better?

Oh, God, my uterus hurts.

My uterus hurts, too!

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Oh! Okay.

Here you go, bud.

Hi. Hi.

And there's another surprise.

Hi. Hi.

Just reunited my girlfriend
with her ex-husband.

Yeah, you did.

Oh.

Come here.

Love is your parachute, Derrick!

Remember that, buddy! Ripcord, whee!

Oh.

This...

This is Derrick. Hey.

Hi. Thank you so much, man.
This is... this is amazing.

Hey, I'm sorry about the bus.

I hopped off at the mall to grab a camera.
Doing a Disney trip for Sam's birthday.

- Got to capture the memories, you know?
- Blink, and they're gone, you know?

Come on, buddy. Let's go play. Come on.

Are you okay?

Am I?

Oh.

So, I got you a gift for all your help.

We got you a gift.

Fine. We.

Remember that box of tapes
that mom sent Pete?

Is this me humping my sleeping bag?

'Cause I'd really prefer
not to see that again.

Tragically, Pete recorded over that
with an episode of Nash Bridges.

Love that show.

But, this, uh... I think this
is gonna be up your alley.

You see, you might not remember it, but...

you were there.

Best soldier-reunion ever.

Thanks, brothers.