Enlisted (2014): Season 1, Episode 2 - Randy Get Your Gun - full transcript

That's why I write down
my workout results.

Sometimes you just need to see
the progress on paper, you know?

No. I don't understand
voluntary exercise.

I also don't understand why

any live band needs
a third guitarist.

Sometimes I feel like
we just talk at each other.

Here's the house where
Randy volunteers.

Buckle up.

Votes are in, everyone.

The soldier care packages
for your husbands

overseas will be wrapped



in periwinkle blue
wrapping paper! Yes!

Nancy, I'm aware
of Ben's nut allergy.

That's why we are nixing
peanut butter cups.

We're going with jelly beans,
and we're not looking back.

What is this,
an army wives club?

They prefer "family
readiness group."

Wow. It's not all
fun and games.

I mean, he does do
some serious work.

What do you guys think?

This bow's big,
but this bow's bigger.

I know.

Obviously, the bigger one.

The army is filled with troops
on heroic missions,

and then there's us.



We take care of things at home.

We are the rear detachment.

Yes, we're soldiers.

Enlisted 1x02
Randy Get Your Gun
Original Air Date on January 17, 2014

== Sync by ZeBlinkMaster ==
== Original Subtitles from TurkceAltyazi ==

So then the wives club

circled up,

and they all started
braiding each other's hair.

Okay, that did not happen.

It hahappened.
Mm-hmm.

I don't appreciate
the term "wives club."

Thank you, sergeant Perez.

It's more like
"Randy's hug club."

Oh!

Okay.

The family readiness group

is full of great people
that support

their families overseas
and each other at home.

Okay, so don't just
call it Randy's...

Gossip garden.
Cookie casa.

Ranch house.
No, "ranch house"

is just a type of house.

Yeah.
- Wait a minute.

Who is this guy?
Sergeant hill,

it's me, private ruiz.

I transferred from
sergeant Perez's platoon.

You were in my platoon?

Man, this place is cold.

Anyway, brother, we're just

messing with you.

Have a beer.

I know you guys are just busting
my b's, but no booze for me.

Great. Tomorrow's the rear d
marksmanship test,

and I want to be sharp.

Dobkiss does make
a good point.

Yeah, it's... I like it.

I don't want to just
pass the test.

I want to be the best soldier
rear d has ever seen.

And that means winning

the general Murray trophy
for top shot.

Haven't you heard?

I win that trophy every year.

That is before I got here.
- I'm sorry, Pete.

This is my year to shine.

So let me apologize now

for yelling "in your face!"
In your face

when I beat you tomorrow.

I'm not gonna mean it,
but I'm still gonna do it.

Thanks for the heads-up, buddy.

Give me. Give me,
give me, give me.

Ah!

I'm here to announce the results
of the rear d marksmanship test.

But before we begin, uh,
dobkiss, your boots are untied.

No, they're not.
- Gotcha.

Well, now that we've had

a little fun,
let's get down to business.

The winner of the coveted
general Murray trophy.

I wouldn't want to win that.

He's gonna give me
night terrors.

That statue looks like
tom cruise in vanilla sky.

It pretty much sums up
how I feel about the army.

That thing's sweet.

This stunning trophy

represents general Murray's
passion for excellence.

Unfortunately,

he lost half his face

in a freak barbecue accident
in my backyard.

This will be the first of many
times you're gonna lose to me.

Hush. He's about
to announce your failure.

And the winner is...

Sergeant Jill Perez!

Yes! Eat it, Pete!
Eat it like a big old...

...and sergeant Pete hill!
Yeah!

Wait. What?

It's a tie.
A tie?

Congratulations.

You'll be sharing the trophy.

You got to be kidding me.

And now, the other results.

When I call your name,
please step forward to receive

your marksmanship badge.

Oh, hell, let's speed this up.
Randy...

Second place.

Step back.
The rest of you-- you passed.

What? I don't understand.

Oh, boy.

Well, this isn't
gonna be pretty.

Nope.

I bet Randy's already
doing that thing

where he won't make eye contact
with us.

You know what?
I'll talk to him.

On with the ceremony.

Oh, hell, this is a lot
of badges.

Private hill, since

you're not doing anything,
come up here

and help me hand out
these badges.

Private dobkiss.

Congratulations.

Wow, it's awesome
to win something

when you're this hung over.

It's like, what can't I do?

Shut up, dobkiss.

All right, we both know

we're not sharing
that ugly-ass trophy,

so let's settle
this right now.

Okay, whoever
wins gets the trophy, but

whoever loses gets
a giant number two

written on their forehead.

Deal.
Yes.

But this isn't
even a true test.

A real soldier can shoot
under duress,

which I proved to great
acclaim in Afghanistan.

Then let's add some duress.

Have your platoon cover
our eyes while we shoot.

Shoot blindfolded?

I sleepblindfolded.

That's the one time
that comeback doesn't work.

They're the same!

We tied.
We need more duress.

What you gonna do?!

You're my dirty
little boy, ain't ya?!

Your skin is perfect!

Your hair looks like it was
spun by rumpelstiltskin!

Why are you still single?!

It's a tie again!
You did it!

Okay, leapfrog a private,

barrel roll,
then pop up and shoot.

How's that sound?

Like a huge
safety violation.

All right,
as range supervisor,

I'm gonna need you to
vacate the premises.

Come on, Barry!

Barry? My name is Charles.

Well, I used to be
in your platoon.

Really?

Cold, man. Cold.

Hey, buddy.

How are you doing?

Also, what are you doing?

I ordered this victory cake,

and now I'm throwing it away.

Don't think you need to cut it
up before you throw it out.

Well, it came
with this cake cutter,

and I just wanted to hold
a weapon I can actually use.

I'm sorry, Randy.

I just don't get it.

I passed
in basic training.

How could I have gotten
so much worse?

Don't beat yourself up,
but if you do, I'm here to talk.

Thanks, brother.
I really appreciate...

Since when do you care
about my feelings?

Oh, come on, I'm-I'm always up
for a brother huddle.

Okay, something's wrong.

You're acting like
you're guilty of something.

Me? What? No.
Come on, let's...

You know, let's have...
Let's have a slice of cake!

Oh, strawberry filling--
my favorite!

Okay... you think
I'm gonna sit here

and listen to you
sing the praises

of strawberry filling
when we both know

you've been a banana man since
mom baked you that monkey cake

on your eighth birthday?!

What's going on, Derrick?!

All right, fine!
I'll tell you, okay?

Here's the thing.
Back in basic,

I kind of sort of...

Whoo! Yeah!

Feels good.

Yeah, baby.

All right.

Go army, huh?
Yeah, brothers.

This is fun.
Cool.

You cheated for me?

Kind of sort of... yeah.

Oh... can not believe this!

I cannot believe this!

I do not believe this!

This is unbelievable!

Okay, calm down.
No!

No!

How could you do this to me?

I did it for you.

You're the one
who's always talking

about how you love
being a soldier.

I'm the one
who made that wish come true.

Well, stop granting my wishes,
evil genie.

Stop it!

Evil genie...

I'd watch that show.

Hey, buddy,
you need some help?

There are things I can
do on my own, Derrick.

I can't believe
you cheated for me.

My whole life's been a lie.

Not your whole life,
just the army part.

The army part is the only part
that matters.

If I can't pass this test,
they might kick me out.

You can take a re-test.
What if I fail that?

Dad was in the army,
Pete's in the army.

You don't even want to be in the
army, and you're in the army. True.

If I'm not in the army...
I'm not in the family.

I never thought
about it like that.

Yeah, tell me about it.

The whole thing
just donged on me.

Donged?! I think
you mean "dawned."

No, I mean donged.

You hit a gong,
it makes a dong sound,

and then you realize something.

Any other day, and I could have
a field day with this.

I mean, what am I gonna do
in formation tomorrow?

I can't look Pete in the eye.
I'm not a real soldier.

Listen, hope isn't lost.

You'll take a retest,
and I'll help you.

Really?

I did it once, I'll do it again.

No, Derrick,
you cannot cheat for me!

Okay, that makes it harder.

I'll just have to train you.

Don't smile.

What the hell?!

What are you fools doing
in my swim Lane?

One of us has to win the
general Murray trophy.

We couldn't use
the gun range,

so we had to pick another
soldier skill to compete at.

Don't worry, sergeant major.

We'll be out of your way in
no time. Pete's about to quit.

My varsity water polo
letterman's jacket says

you don't know
what you're talking about.

Get out of my pool!

But we're still tied!
- That's an order!

I'm coming in,
and I don't swim in chop.

All right, you sure
this is a good time to train?

Isn't this usually

when you wife-out at the
family readiness group?

This takes priority.

Besides, I got someone
to cover for me.

Before we get started,

would you ladies like me
to take my shirt off?

This'll be easy. We just have to
take your great practice results

and translate them to
the marksmanship test.

Yeah, about that.

I never really hit the targets
in practice, either.

What? Then why were
you so confident?

I assumed
that in the actual test,

adrenaline would just take over.

Like a mother bear
lifting a car off of a baby.

You're lucky I'm feeling
super guilty about all this,

'cause you're being a
real handful right now.

All right, walk me
through your process.

I assume a firm firing stance,

put the rifle
to my shoulder,

and then I take aim
at the man out there.

Hold on. Man?

Yeah, a man's what
I'm shooting at.

So, when you take aim,
you picture the target as a man?

Yeah. Let's-let's
call him Harold.

What I do is,
I get Harold in my sights.

Then I start thinking about
his wife and his three kids

and his day job
at the rubber factory,

and his night job at the
roller rink, and how he works

too hard,
but he never complains.

That's just
the kind of guy he is.

All right, stop it.

I think I know
what the problem might be.

Yeah, Harold should demand
a raise,

but you've seen
the unemployment numbers.

Management holds
all the cards.

Seriously, brother,
any other day.

Tie.
Damn it!

Oh! Unreal!

Another tie.

Shouldn't we be practicing?

We can't fix things out there
until we fix things up here.

My hair? The army kind of
limits my options, but

if you want to put together a
look-book, I'll show the barber.

Your mind, Randy. Okay?

You're visualizing
your targets as people

and it's keeping you
from shooting them.

You're being too emotional.

Okay.

I'm not emotional.
Really?

Hell, no, I'm stone-cold.

Okay, let's try a
test. Recite the plot

of toy story 3
without choking up.

Okay, fine.

Uh, we open on Mr. potato head,

robbing a trainful of orphans.

Those fuzzy-headed trolls
just wanted a better life.

There it is.

The big old cry-face.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

We're gonna drill this
until you drop your emotions

so you can fire your rifle.

Now try it again.

We open on Mr. potato head...

Robbing a trainful of...

Come on, Randy, you're just
describing the opening logo.

That lamp doesn't have a family.

Oh, my God. Again.

And the toys... and
then Rex and the slinky...

And the little cowgirl...

We're not even talking,
you're just crying now.

It's a whole story of toys.

Ow!

The boy's packing
for college,

but he leaves Woody
and buzz behind.

Because he doesn't care
about 'em anymore.

Again.
I know.

And in the end, the toys
begin their new lives

with Bonnie next door.

And who is this Bonnie?

She's the kindest, sweetest
girl in the whole world.

Who cares.

You did it, Randy.

You finally made it
all the way without choking up.

You're ready.

Does that mean I can
have an ice cream?

No.

Good.

Thank you for agreeing
to be our judges.

Sergeant Perez and I
have prepared meals

using traditional
army ingredients.

What I have for you today

are braised chicken thighs
in a white wine reduction

with caramelized shallots.

And I have
prepared

meat and potatoes.

Oh.

The potato has been prepared
one-ways, baked.

And the meat has been cooked
until it was brown.

Enjoy.

I'm tasting a seasoning
I can't quite place.

Is it...

Salt?

Bingo.

Maybe not enough.

Ah, interesting.
Oh.

Hmm.

Sergeant Perez,

I love how you let the chicken
be the hero in this dish.

It had a sense of humor
and a real gravitas.

I vote for you.

Oh. Yes.

Sergeant hill,
your brown meat dish

was burnt.

And oddly sour.

I vote for you.

Mmm!

I always ask myself
one question:

Is this better than a calzone?

And the answer,
in both cases...

...was no.

Gentlemen,

let's get out of here.

Did we just tie again?

My dish is so much
better than yours.
That's ridiculous.

Taste it. Eat it.
Well, I'm not gonna taste yours
unless you taste mine.

Mm?

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Mm?
Mm?

You two bozos.

My office, 0800.

Mm-hmm.
Mm.

Sergeant major,
you wanted to see us?

Oh, good God, you
both look awful.

Oh, well, that's because we
were up all night counting constellations

to see who's better
at navigating

by the stars.

But we tied again, even
though Pete tried to cheat.

Orion's beard is a thing.
No, it's not.

Yeah, it's not.
- Ugh.

A constellation
counting contest. Yeah.

More like a full-fledged
flirt-fest.

With all due respect,
sergeant major,

that's insane.
What?!

You two have been using
this trophy as an excuse

to have a secret
soldier smooch seminar.

What's happening?
Why are you doing that?

It's called alliteration.

It makes language more colorful.

My point is...

Cut it out!

It's unbecoming for your troops
to see you like this.

Sergeant major,

we're not flirting.

No.
- That casual glance

you just shared says otherwise.

You see, your prancing
pupils polka'd p...

Oh, hell, I just lost it.

Dismissed.

Stop doing that,
the wind's not a factor.

You ready to dominate
this retest, or what?
I'm ready!

Got to give me a little bit more warning
before you scream directly into my face.

Okay, private hill.

It's time.

Thank you, sergeant major.

Remember your training.

The white-hot incinerator
looms in the distance.

Buzz looks to Jesse...

And Rex...

And Mr. potato head.

They join hands and descend
into the fiery inferno.

Will they survive?

Who cares?

Looks good from here,
private hill.

Yes, dude, you passed.

Damn right I did.

I'm a stone-cold killer.

Hooah.

Yeah, great.

Stone-cold.

Congratulations, private.

Thank you, sergeant major.

Better luck
next time, guys.

We already
passed.

Let him have
this one, boo.

Okay.

Fall out.

Proud of you, brother.

Thanks, Pete.

I couldn't have done
it without Derrick.

He really drilled me hard.

There's a better way
of saying that.

No, there's not.
You drilled me harder

than I've ever been
drilled in my entire life.

Apparently there's a much
worse way of saying that.

Yeah. I'm impressed.

I didn't think you
had it in you, but

you created a real soldier.

He put what he
has in him in me.

Now when I get
deployed I can fight.

Just like you.

Thank you, Derrick.

Yeah.

One, two, three, shoot.

Damn it.

We even have flawless
roshambo strategies.

We've been at this for
30 hours straight.

Wait, that's it.

Whoever falls asleep first loses

and gets a number two
written on their forehead.

Sleep deprivation, I like it.

You know, once,
in the korengal valley...

No one cares.

This looks like a good spot.

Right.
Yeah.

People can see if we're
cheating or flirting.

Or flirting?

You just said that.

Right.
Damn it.

Now we're tying in talking.

After you.

Cody's crazy.

This is not flirting.

Nope. Just staring
into your eyes

so I can watch
you fall asleep.
Yup.

I'm gonna scoot on back
just a little bit.

Yeah, I'll give you some space.
Yeah. Okay.

Corporal hill.
You... d-don't tell me.

You've convinced dobkiss
to climb that tree again,

knowing damn well
he can't get down.
No,

sergeant major,
it's actually about Randy.
Oh.

So you want to be praised.

Well, good work. Boom.

You've been praised.

And I feel it.
But about Randy?

I-I was really proud of him.

But as you were pinning
that badge on, I just...

I kind of feel like
I did the wrong thing.

Passing the marksmanship test
is part of being in the army.

Sergeant major,

Randy is a kind,

empathetic, emotional guy.

And I taught him how
to shut all that off

so he could live this dream of
being a super soldier like Pete,

but he's just not like that.

If he's ever deployed...

If he ever is deployed...

You saved his life by
teaching him to shoot.

I understand.

What I'm struggling with is...

I helped Randy stay in the army

when maybe he doesn't
belong in the army at all.

Come with me.

This is the opposite
of flirting.

Nothing romantic here.

Nope.

Was that a shooting star?

I think so.

Hello, sergeants.

Oh, don't mind me.

I can't practice in the barracks

without getting punched.

Wow. I actually
love that song.

Mm.
Fireworks night

at the ballpark.

Maybe this wasn't the
best place to do this.

Corporal hill,
I understand your concerns.

But being a soldier
means many different things.

It's a lot more than just being
able to fire a weapon in combat.

So...

How long has Ben been away?

Oh, gosh. Over
a year now.

And every night I stay up,
wondering if he's gonna be okay.

Am I crazy?

Not at all.

I know exactly how you feel.

When my brother
Pete was deployed,

all I could think about
was him returning home safe.

Well, that

and celebrity apprentice.

What a mess, huh?

I just wish my husband knew
how much I missed him.

I promise you that he does.

And you're gonna
get through this.

Hey, I got through it,

and you are ten times
tougher than me.

Thanks, Randy.

Randy's a fine soldier.

We need more men like
him rear d, not less.

I see that now,
sergeant major.

He gets what this place
is all about.

As opposed to some.

Got it.
Understand,

I'm not just
complimenting Randy.

I'm insulting you.

Understood.

Hey, Randy, I've got some stuff

for the toy drive.
All right.

Betty, I'm gonna need a minute.

Mmm.

I win.

Good night, number two.

Ow.

== Sync by ZeBlinkMaster ==