Enlisted (2014): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Take care of
your brothers, okay?

Yes, sir.
Bye.

Bring me back something.

Okay.

Hands on heads.

Check out these pictures.

These are my brothers.

Real nice guys.

I love that you're
opening up to me,

But I'm freaking out here!

Relax, bro, I got this.



Yeah, we're being shot at
real bad. We'd love some backup.

Man :
Negative. Command can't
access your info,

'cause the system's down.

You're telling me we're screwed

Because your computer crashed?

Say again?
Idiots.

Hey, any of you fellas
got a pc?

That was dumb.

? thunderstruck

? thunderstruck...

All right, which one of you
idiots denied my backup?

Oh, shoot, you're old.
Like larry king in camo.

I can't punch
larry king.
I'm also a colonel.

You signed on
to get shot at,



So get out of my face,
candy-ass.

Huh. Maybe I can
punch larry king.

? thunderstruck

Suddenly, I'm thinking
consequences.

? yeah, yeah, thunderstruck

Way to go, dumbass.

You lost a rank and
got booted stateside,

Some rear detachment unit
in florida.

Rear d?

Those guys aren't
even real soldiers.

All they do is wash tanks
and mow lawns.

My brothers
are in rear d.

Wait a second.
Florida?

Oh, hell, no.

This is so stupid.

We look like a
couple of groupies

At a one direction
concert.

Thank god I talked
you out of flowers.

You didn't.
I got him some carnations.

They're man flowers.

There's no such thing
as man flowers.

Yeah, there are.
Is that glitter?

Yeah, he just got
back from war,

So yeah, it's glitter.

Hold this.

Wow. Hey, brother.
Hey, randy.

What's up, less
handsome brother?

How's uncle sam's
favorite nephew?

Oh, cool,
you're still a dick.

Here we go, boys.
Randy, stop.

You know
I hate that.
No, no.

Hand-head is how we've said
"I love you" since we were kids,

So give me this, because we
haven't been together in a year

And I'm happy pete
didn't get blown up.

Well, I almost got blown up.

But you were never
scared, right?

I mean, I was
scared for you,

But I'd think about
you not being scared,

And then I wouldn't
be so scared anymore.

There's been
a lot of this.
Okay. Randy?

Uh-huh?
People were shooting

At me every day.
Of course I was scared.

I shouldn't
have said that.

Now I have to
reevaluate how I felt.

Yeah, I'm actually getting
really scared again.

No, no, you can't
retroactively be scared.

The human body doesn't
work that way.

Mine does, okay?
It's coming in a wave.

I've literally
been home a minute,

I already broke randy.
Come here, buddy.

Here you go.

hand-head.
Yeah.

Upswing.
Thanks, pete.

Feel better?
So much better.

Yeah.
I got him.

Oh, you don't want
some of this?
Nope.

Oh, come here, man.

Enlisted S01E01
Pilot
Original Air Date Jan 10, 2014

I served with your father
for half my life.

When he died,
I swore

I'd look after you
and your brothers.

Aw...
Don't "aw," damn it!

You were the only hill brother
that wasn't a screwup.

Derrick's got no respect,
hates being a soldier.

Where's my motorcycle, boy?!

Come on,
where could I hide

A bright yellow
motorcycle?

It was in the tree.

And randy loves
being a soldier.

I can aim by sight alone.

Which is too bad.

Boo-ya!

Do I have to pay for that?

When do you get to the part
about them being screwups?

Shut up.

I didn't lose a foot
in a land mine

To hear you talk junk.
Have we ever talked
without you

Bringing up your fake foot?
When your foot gets

Blown off, you can bring it up
whenever you like.

You get it's weird
it's a white guy's foot.

My size only comes in white.

Okay, I can't
be stuck in rear d.

It's for the guys
who can't cut it.

I'm in rear d.
Let me back up.

Rear d maintains the base

And supports the families
of deployed soldiers.

It's an important job.
Totally agree.

Now, how do I get out of it?
You don't.

I'm being wasted here!
This is insane!

How did it go from him yelling
at me? I'm yelling at him.

This is me we're talking about,
all right?

3.5 million taxpayer dollars

Went into training
the specimen you see before you.

specimen?

In afghanistan, I led over
100 raids on insurgent camps.

I caught a grenade
and threw it back at the guy.

You want to know
who killed bin laden?

Okay, it wasn't me, but it was
a guy very much like me.

This is a little bell I ring

When someone's
being a total ass.

I'm just trying to make a point.

Oh, I get your point.

You're bruce willis in die hard.

Van damme in expendables 2.

Is that really the van damme
movie you're gonna go with?

You got timecop, kickboxer...

Your mission is here.

You got war games coming up
with an italian platoon.

That is more like it.
More important,

You gotta find
this dog asap.

That is way
less like it.

Come on.

Name's bogie.

Belongs to one of the families
on the base.

And this...

Is his favorite toy.

Come on, pete, we're giving you
a tour of the base!

Stop banging on
the window, idiot.

Come on, I'm gonna
show you where we eat.

Do you ever
not shout?

Can I please go back to war?

? ay, me gusta that booty...

This is the opposite
of an army commercial.

Yeah, son!

I don't know why
I said that so excited,

But it's pretty cool we're
here together, right?

Uh, that's a complicated
answer, buddy.

Yeah. I too
am thrilled, pete.

I mean, to think just yesterday
I was washing a tank

Without getting
your take on it.

Dude, the only thing that
stinks is that we never get

To drive these babies.

Someday.

I doubt it.

That should've
been bolted on.

? me gusta that booty...

Private sanchez.

You too busy listening
to awful music

To fix your humvee,
like I asked?

How many push-ups
should he do, guys?

25? Do we have 50?
A hundie?

How about 1,000?

What...? 1,000?

Well, that's just insane.

150, and thank
you for getting

"me gusta that booty"
stuck in my head.

All right, go.
Hi there.

I am sergeant perez.
Well, hello there.

I know it seems like
she's being nice, but she

Hates us and she's about
to say something mean.

No.
I head up the other
rear d unit here...

The one not full of rejects
and mental patients.

Spot on, sergeant.
So mean, man.

Yeah. Yeah, mean.
Very well done.

Look, if cody wants
you three idiots here,

It's fine with me.

Just keep your unit
out of my unit's way.

"unit."

See, my platoon is full of
bright, dedicated soldiers.

I'll put my privates up against
your privates any old day.

seriously?

That was my fault.
I'm sorry.

I'm not a huge fan
of double entendres,

But this has been
a fun exchange.

Point is, I'm a
dedicated soldier.

Got a little chip
on your shoulder, huh?
Uh, it's actually

In my shoulder. It's from a
grenade-- hurts when it rains.

Also when I move my
arm in any direction.

Ah...

Wow. Well...

I think there's
something here.

I'm feeling it.
There's not.

Sanchez, you can have
a little music.

Here you go.
Boy, that never happens.

That's never happened
as far as I know.

Let's go meet
your platoon, huh?

These guys?

Bradley! Cooper!

Bradley! Cooper!

Did he say
"bradley cooper"?

I don't want to kill
bradley cooper.

It's just a rhythm thing.

Bradley! Cooper!

Bradley! Cooper!

Yah!

Bradley cooper!
Bradley cooper!

What is he...
What are you doing?

Bradley cooper,
bradley cooper...

He's actually gotten
much better.

Do I have to pay for that?

I am so screwed.

I've killed bradley cooper.

Good morning.
I'm sergeant hill.

Yeah! Pete hill
in the house!

Stop being
his hype man.

He just got
back from war,

And he's nervous.

In afghanistan, I led over 100
raids on insurgent camps.

If anyone can make you
real soldiers, it's me.

Now, to start with, this unit
doesn't even have a motto.

A motto embodies the
spirit of the unit!
Shh.

Ooh, how about, "give me back

Those cds you borrowed, brian."

That's not a motto.
But it does need
to be said.

Let's talk about
your appearance.

Now, we've got
a weight issue

In this general
area here.

We do.
Yeah, we do!

Stop.

Stop that.
What's your name?

Corporal george chubowski.
Chubowski?

Wow.
Okay, you can't change.

It'd be weird
if you weren't big.

No one likes
an ironic name!

For the love
of all things holy,

Shut up, randy!

Inside voice, boo-boo.

Listen up!

Our mission is to find a dog.

But we can skip that,
unless that dog has been trained

By the taliban
at a doggie madrasa.

hmm?

It's an arabic
learning institution.

You know what? Never mind.

What we're gonna do instead

Is focus on war games,

Which is way cooler
than looking for a dog.

Now, let's go find
a great soldier

Inside of each one of you.

...Two, three.
Seven!

One, two, three.
Eight!

One, two, three.
One!

I don't even know
what that is.

Three!

One, two, three.
Four!

One, two, three.

Five!

One, two, three!
Six!

Why you throwing
elbows, cindy?!

I'm going through a divorce!

let's go!

I don't need
your help!

Your back's
like memory foam!

Your hand's inside of me.

Dear god.

How does that
even happen?

Actually, this is
the furthest I've gotten.

Of course it is.

A little help.

So it turns out there
was not a great soldier

Inside of each of you.

Except for park,
who I'm now afraid of.

Thank you.

'sup, grunts?
You pete?

I'm sergeant hill.
Oh... I don't have
to do that.

That's wallace.
He's a civilian contractor

From the washington,
district of columbia.

You don't have to say
the whole thing.

I do, out of respect.
Dc, randy.

I manage the big money
operations around here, brah.

I coord, I liase.
Wow.

I've never disliked somebody
so quickly before.

It's exhilarating.
It's columbia.

I hate him more than you.
I also set up the
war games, and the...

The italians, they
don't like losing.

Those guys are stunning.

Hi!
Hey. How you doing?
I love you.

Later, goon platoon.

I am not gonna lose
to that douche

And those
hairless bastards.

Great speech,
patton.

You just got yourself

An hour looking
for the dog.
What?

You said that was
a stupid idea,

And for once
I agreed with you.

Two hours. Dobkiss!

Stop poking him
with a stick.
Why?

Yeah! First beer
together in a year!

So, did you find bogie?
No, I didn't,

But I found a basset hound
named reggie.

We solved some crimes together.
Are you serious?

No. Look, you can
be our boss

During the day, okay?
But at night, let's just be

Three brothers
having a drink. Please?
Mm-hmm!

Yeah.
That reminds
me, we went to

Medieval times for my
birthday. It was so badass.

It was so embarrassing,
but still...
Cheers to it.
No, it wasn't.

We would've told you about it
if you'd ever contacted us.

I remember his birthday.

I was in afghanistan.
Oh, where?

Afghanistan?
Am I... Am I saying it right?

Yeah, that's right.

Anyway, this ied
blew up a bad guy.

His socks were hanging
on the telephone wire.

Blown clean off.

Oh, boy.

Here comes the
wave again, guys.

Sorry to ruin
our first...

Upswing.
Okay.

Oh, hand-head...
All right, well,
this isn't weird.

I'm gonna go watch, uh, the hurt
locker to cheer myself up.

I gotta go, too.

Booty calls.

It's a play on
"duty calls,"

But with "booty."
yeah, randy, I got it. Yeah.

You got it? I knew
you'd get that.

Perez :
Doesn't mean anything.

This is the only
open seat, so...

You sure you don't want
to go sit with them?

How much to drink
all the wax in this candle?

Yes, I have ten
dollars on that.

I'm good.

Look, I, um...
I'm sorry...

About earlier.

It's just that I worked

Really hard to get

To a position
that was basically

Handed to you
as a consolation prize.

Got a little chip
on your shoulder, huh?

Yes.
Big old nacho chip.

Wh-what now?
Wow, I shouldn't
have said that.

It's not because
you're hispanic.

I-I thought
it was gonna be funny,

But it just came out hateful.

Want to keep... Keep going?
Stop talking.

I'll wait.

I don't belong here.

You want to know
why I keep doing it?

Because I love being a soldier.

Cheers.

Cheers.

All right,
I got 30 shots

Of the worst tequila
in the house.

Who's with me?

Oh!
Hey!

Chill with the drinking.
You got to be up at 6:00 a.M.

Oh, my god, stop acting
like my boss all the time.

Hey, randy,
can you believe him?

Randy can't believe you.
Hey, I-I got an idea. Listen.

Let's run the flag, all right?
Every time my brother's

A huge buzz kill,
let's do a shot.

I'm just being an adult.

Red, halt!

You're gonna regret this.
White!

I could drink you all
under the table.

I am just choosing not to!

Blue!

This is the face
of a proud american soldier.

Come on, guys!
We got to get serious.

If you're gonna be
a bear, be a what?

Ooh, a panda bear.
No, you're supposed
to say grizzly.

Pandas are very powerful.

They can tear apart
bamboo with their teeth.

The point is
be the strongest bear.

With all due respect,
pandas are very powerful.

They can tear apart
bamboo with their teeth.

Right, I get that.
Panda's my spirit animal.

Does it have to be a bear?
Can it be a kitty?

It should be a scorpion
with two tails.

What about three tails?
That's stupid.

Oh, god. Hey!

Where the hell are you going?
To bed. I'm hungover.

Get back in line, soldier!

This isn't afghanistan.

We're in florida, okay?
This is rear d.

We suck.

Hey, guys,
that could be our motto.

We suck! Hooah!
Bradley cooper!

Not now, cindy!
That was very good though.

Guys, let's just knock off
the negativity, please!

Even if we do suck.

And, derrick, support
your brother.

Why? Look, he's just here

To get his stripe back
so he can leave again.

Maybe I am!

Because maybe I'm
better than this.

What, I should just stick around

Turn into a drunk
with no future?

Now you knock off
the negativity.

God, this is getting
so negative!

Hey, pete just cares
about pete, okay?

Why do you think we never heard
from him when he was overseas?

I'm sorry I was too busy
getting shot at every day

To worry about randy's
stupid birthday!

Well, I'm sorry I'm a giant
screwup and randy turned

Into the worst soldier
in the history of the army!

Ow!
Hey!

One large guillotine
coming up, homeboy!

I'm gonna rear naked choke you
right now!

Stop using with the
stupid mma terms!
Never!

You said you didn't care
about my birthday!

Rear naked choke hold!
Gonna get you in your sleep.

You're rear naked
choking me!

Ooh!

Why are you punching
their faces, pete?

Don't punch their faces!

To be honest, uncle sergeant
major cody, it all started

When pete said he was stronger
than a panda bear.

What?

I never said I was stronger

Than a panda bear.
You're not.

I mean, sure, I could probably
choke out a baby panda.

Why would you do that?
It's a baby!

Choking out a baby panda.

The fur is so soft
and supple.

get out.

Get out!

Not you, pete.

We got to talk.

What, are you gonna
hit me with that?

Oh, no, this is for my
daughter's boyfriend, da'quan.

I don't trust boys with
apostrophes in their names.

He's gonna pull up
in my driveway,

And I'm gonna turn
his little ass around.

Got pretty banged up
over there, huh?

Nah, let me see, uh...

Concussion,
shrapnel in my back,

Busted wrist, but still...

I just... I feel guilty
I'm not over there.

I know, son.

But taking care of the people

Left behind is important.

Oh, sure, sometimes
we find lost dogs.

But if someone falls,

It's our job
to tell the family.

Soldiers who do our job

Showed up
at your house once.

Your father was a good man.

Yeah, he was.

So start acting like him.

Your troops need to know
that you're one of them.

Your brothers, too.

oh, hell no.

Take your ass back to kinko's,

You 20-year-old bastard!

I love being a dad.

What's up with him?

He felt bad
about letting you down,

So he did an hour
of jumping jacks.

I don't know if you've
ever seen a grown man cry

While doing jumping jacks.

It sounds funny;
it's just sad.

All right, look.

I'm sorry I didn't keep

In touch.

I guess I thought about what
could happen, like with dad,

And figured

If I was distant
it would be easier on you guys.

I was wrong.

Yeah, well, it felt like
you didn't need us, you dick.

You know, I mean, we're
all we've got, so...

Okay, this is way too heavy
for randy to hear, but, uh...

You want to know
how much I needed you guys?

You see these?

I put these on here.

And whenever I felt like
I wasn't gonna make it,

I'd look at them.

So you guys would be
the last thing that I see.

You're right. That's way
too heavy for randy.

I'm sorry
I disappointed you, pete.

Oh, god, that's even sadder
than you said.

Well actually now-now
it is kind of funny.

Everyone just relax.

That's too much.

Now, I owe you guys an apology.

I've been acting like

I'm the only winner in the
middle of a bunch of losers.

Well, guess what?

I am a loser, too.

Thought he was going
the other way with that.

I'm just like you guys are.

A letdown.

A disappointment
to everyone I know.

This is a terrible apology.

But we don't have
to be losers.

Do you want to
lose to that guy?

We can beat them.

Who do you see
when you look in the mirror?

Daffy duck. I have a picture

Of him taped to my mirror.

Okay, what-what do you see
next to daffy duck?

Ryan gosling.

And next to him,
it's another picture

Of ryan gosling but in this one

He's got two kittens.

You see you!

You, chubowski, all of us,
we're all soldiers

In the army of
the United States.

Who cares if we're the ones
that nobody else wants?

We don't need them.

We have each other now.

We're here together.

We'll train together,
we'll fight together.

And we'll take care
of each other.

We're all we've got.

We're brothers.

I wish we had a motto to shout.

We do.

We're brothers.

We are brothers!

Who are we?
We are brothers!

Who are we?
We are brothers!

Who are we?
We are brothers!

Let's go kick some ass!

Yeah!

This should take the italians
about five minutes.

What the hell is that?

? thunderstruck...

? thunderstruck...

This is the best day
of my life! Yeah!

? ooh, thunderstruck

♪ thunder... ♪

Move, move, move,
move, move!

Come on, guys, just
like we practiced.

Okay, good shot.

♪ thunder ♪

? I was caught...

We too late for the fun?

What are you doing here?

I told you,
I love being a soldier.

Plus it's always fun
seeing wallace freak out.

I am so texting the general.

All right, let's do this.
Let's do this.

Take the wall,
chubowski!

♪ thunder ♪

? my mind raced

? and I thought...

Go!

♪ there was no help,
no help from you ♪

♪ thunder... ♪

Where's my golf cart?

? the thunder of guns...

? tore me apart...

Aw, man.
Darn it.

I want my money back.
It was...

We had a whole, really cool
boyz n the hood thing.

No, we did not...
Yeah, we did.

We're not boys
and we're not in the hood.

We're actually
gonna win this thing.

What do you got, brother?

I'm seeing a dog.

What?

It's frigging bogie.

We can't go get him

Without the italians
taking us out.

What are we gonna do, brother?

Come on, italians.

Beat these losers.

Pete.

Pete?

form up and follow me.

What?

Here, bogie.

maybe they'll give us
a time out.

here, bogie...

Please!

Stop, italians,
we're being noble!

aw! Medic!

Yes!

This is so lame, man.
I know, we were about to win.

I can't believe I came
to help and everything

And you pulled this.

Oh, my god!

He's so cute!

Wow!

Whoa!

Choosing a dog over victory.

Way to go, rear dummies.

Okay, that's it.
I got your back, sarge.

Bradley cooper!
Ooh!

Oh, way better than a punch.

Really nice work.
Such a good soldier.

So precise, cindy.

Thank you.
Okay.

Let's go give this guy back.

Come on.

Guys!

Bogie!

Aw, thank you!

Their dad's overseas

And we miss him so much.

Bogie reminds us of him.

Thank you.

Well, this is what we do.

You see?

Those kids are like us.
We get it, randy.

The image is very clear.
'cause there's brothers
and there's three of them.

Got it, buddy.
Thank you.

There you go.

You did a good thing.

You'll get to do a lot more
good things like that.

After you wash that tank.

Come on, the tank?
Really?

It's our job.

Although it, uh...

Could be dirtier.

let's pop a wheelie!

I'm okay, keep going.