Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 7, Episode 6 - Carol Gets a Raise - full transcript
Howdy, y'all.
Both:
Hey, Laverne.
- You're back in town.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Crutches?
What happened?
Well, a sprained ankle.
It's kind
of an interesting story.
All right,
let's get it over with.
Well, as you know,
I was back in Arkansas
testifyin' against
the notorious hickory mob.
It was so excitin'.
I ain't never been
in a courtroom before.
Why, they had
this reporter there.
Boy, was she fast.
- Look, Laverne...
Laverne, come on.
How... how did you
sprain your ankle?
All right. So, anyway,
after the trial was over,
I's home with mama
and we was watchin' TV
tryin' to get
a glimpse of me on the news.
And we had three vcrs hooked up.
You know, to send
copies to the relatives.
Plus, a video camera
pointed at me
to catch my reaction.
- Laverne, please.
Your ankle...?
All right, all right.
So, all of a sudden,
the reception goes out.
So I had to climb on the roof
and reconnect the antenna.
You slipped off the roof.
Course not.
I could climb a roof
before I learned to walk.
Had to.
Now, that's another story.
Laverne, please,
would you cut the nonsense
and just give us
the end of the story?
Okay.
That's how I sprained my ankle.
♪ Life goes on
♪ and so do we...
♪ ...one by one
♪ we fill the days
♪ I'm always here
♪ for anything you need
♪ rain or shine
♪ I'll be the one...
♪ ...we share it all
♪ as life goes on
Carol...
I got an assignment for you.
Hurry.
A breaking story.
This is the scoop
I've been waiting for.
Let me assure you,
Mr. Braxton.
I will not let you down.
What is it?
Get over to 531 delmar street.
And when you get there...
Watch your step.
- Right.
- Go inside.
- Got it.
And wait for my exterminator.
Your exterminator?
Yeah, I got bugs
crawling all over my kitchen.
They're huge,
and they got these...
Things.
Anyway, here's the key.
And don't step on them.
It just makes them mad.
Mr. Braxton,
you hired me to be a reporter.
Now, I do a lot of menial
things around here,
but there is no way I'm going
to wait for your exterminator.
Daddy, they were huge.
And they had these things.
And... and...
And they were furry
with legs everywhere
and they left this viscous
trail of slimy ooze.
Blech!
Carol, just stop.
That's... that's disgusting.
Next time you should
put your foot down.
No, that just makes them mad.
I don't know why
everyone's so scared of bugs.
When I was a kid
I had an ant farm.
Or did my aunt have a farm?
No, wait,
my aunt bought the farm.
I had sea monkeys.
Well, Scotty's
asleep in his crib.
It's that special time of day.
Do you know what I mean?
Yes, I do, Sophia.
It's that time of day
when you reflect upon
raising your own children
so many years ago.
No, it's that time of day
when you pay me.
I'm sorry, Sophia.
Can you believe this, daddy?
After paying for day care,
I have exactly five dollars
left from my paycheck.
Maybe
you should ask for a raise.
I have, but she won't
let go of the lousy five bucks.
It's... it's more
than just the money,
I... I wanna grow
as a journalist.
I want my own column.
So I went
in there today and I said,
"Mr. Braxton,
I want more responsibility."
And how did he respond to that?
He showed me how to work
the key making machine.
You know, Carol,
instead of whining,
why don't you
just get up off your butt
and do the job
you're being paid to do?
Excuse me?
That's what they tell me
at work all the time.
Actually, Carol,
Charley may be right.
The way to get ahead
is to take the initiative
and make yourself
indispensable to Mr. Braxton.
I got some
more tips for you too, Carol.
Always be on time,
never peek in the portholes,
and never never ever
play guess-who with the captain
while he's parking the boat.
- Maxine.
- I'm glad I caught you.
Look, I'm supposed to go
to the westside
elementary school
this afternoon to do my...
Don't-be-afraid
of-the-doctor presentation...
Wait, is that the one
with that idiotic hand puppet?
I made that puppet.
Children love my puppet.
I have 35-year-olds
still asking about my puppet.
Easy, Harry.
I didn't mean
to diss your puppet.
- Sorry. It's...
You know, it's a button.
Anyway.
Listen, Carol called.
She has to work late,
Sophia cannot sit
so I have to get home
to take care of Scotty so...
I was wondering...
Well, keep wondering, Harry.
It's not gonna happen.
- Come on, Max.
It's for a good cause.
And those kids
never see a doctor.
I know that, but I just can't.
You know how I am
about public speaking.
And I am not a kid person.
Even when I was five
I didn't hang out with kids.
I used to take naps
just to get away from them.
- Maxine, come on.
- It's simple. Trust me.
And the kids love it.
Hello, hello, hello, hello.
I'm Dr. Feelgood.
And I'm...
I'm germy.
Well, germy,
let me put on my glasses.
I'll take a look at your throat.
Here we go. Now.
- Okay, okay.
Let me stop you right there.
I am not gonna wear that.
Even if aliens
invaded the planet
and were slaughtering
every human who doesn't
look like you do right now,
I would not wear that.
- All right.
Fine, Maxine.
I'll just call the school
and tell them
to cancel the assembly
because Dr. Douglas
isn't a kid person.
- Okay.
I'll go.
But I'll do it my way.
Just a brief lecture
on how the body works,
and what a doctor does,
and that's it.
Fine. But... but,
let me add just one thought.
- What?
- You're gonna bomb.
Why don't you head home?
When there's work to be done?
Don't be silly, sir.
Do these envelopes
need to be stamped or sealed?
They need
to be stamped and sealed.
Just lick everything
that looks sticky.
Sir.
Would that you could have sat
at the algonquin round table.
You sure
you don't wanna head home?
Not at all.
What's that you're working on?
I'm just writing
our advice column.
"Dear aunt Martha?"
- All right.
Secret's out.
I'm aunt Martha.
You know,
not to toot my own horn,
but people frequently
come to me for advice.
Yeah?
Well, let's see
how you do with this one.
"Dear aunt Martha,
"I'm a well-built Adonis
"and the broads fight over me
"like I'm the last box
of chocolate cookies.
"It's not so much of a problem,
I just wanna brag."
Signed.
"Pooped in Saint Pete."
All right.
How's this?
I'd reply:
"Here's the scoop, pooped.
"Nobody's cookies
taste that good.
"Get yourself in therapy,
post haste."
He's probably some
self-loathing social pariah
who has a crush on his mommy.
Actually, I wrote it.
But, you know Weston,
that was a pretty decent answer.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
I think I'll print that.
Really?
Well, I'm glad
you liked it, sir.
I... I... I am giddy
with delight.
I am giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy.
Here, giddy, giddy, giddy,
giddy, giddy, giddy.
Whoo.
I need some coffee.
Do you want some?
Sure.
No, no, no, no.
None for me.
I had two eggnog’s
at a Christmas party once
and I tried
to pull all the padding
out of Santa's suit.
Only I didn't realize
he was really fat,
and I was pulling
on his stomach hair.
Anyway...
I'm not much of a drinker.
I'm sorry to hear that.
- It's no big deal.
- Yeah, it is.
I've been pouring scotch
in the coffee all night.
You what?
Well, no wonder
it tastes so weird.
I just assumed
you made lousy coffee.
I do. That's why
I put scotch in it.
I'm sorry, Carol.
I thought you knew.
Well, I'm surprised
I'm not drunk.
I've already had
three coffs of cuppy.
Maybe you can handle your
cuppy better than you thought.
You're darn right, I can.
You know, Weston,
I better call you a cab.
You're a cab.
- Not really.
It's a joke.
You are funny.
You're really, really funny.
You know, I never realized
how really funny you were.
I guess I...
I think I still
have a stamp on my tongue.
Sophia, thank god you're here.
That's what I say
every morning when I wake up.
- Listen, I... I...
I really appreciate this.
I'm so worried about Carol.
I mean, there's
no answer at her office.
Her bed has not
been slept in all night.
I called the police,
I called the hospitals,
I called her friends...
Nobody's seen her.
You're kidding.
Carol has friends?
- All right, dear.
Just stay here for me, dear.
Thank you very much.
I'm gonna run down to her office
and see what I can find out.
- Go ahead.
I'll stay here with Scotty.
Not now, sal.
You'll wake the kids.
Hello?
Hello?
Carol, honey.
Carol, Carol.
Are you okay?
Daddy?
What are you doing here?
What time is it?
You slept here all night, Carol.
I was worried sick about you.
Why didn't you call?
I'm... I'm sorry, daddy.
I was working late and... and...
And I had a couple of drinks.
My god, where's Scotty?
- Scotty's fine.
He's with Sophia.
I mean... Carol, I must have
called here a dozen times.
Was that the phone?
No wonder
the snooze button didn't work.
My head.
Whoa, and my back is killing me
this couch is so uncomfortable.
Whoa.
Aah!
Hi.
So this is where you work!
Well, I'll be going now.
- Wait, daddy.
It's not what you think.
Carol, please, what I'm
trying to think about right now
is the '55 world series.
- Look, we...
We were working late
and... and... and
there was coffee
and... and...
Well, the rest is hazy,
but I'm sure
Mr. Braxton can tell you
exactly what happened.
Yes, I can.
Well, good.
Tell him.
We had sex.
I really...
Don't feel like
going into any more detail
right now with your father here.
- Well, I'll...
I'm... I'm leaving.
I'm leaving now.
- No.
I'd just like to say, sir.
This is not
some one-night stand.
I'm very fond of your daughter.
That makes me feel much better.
My god.
We did, didn't we?
Two and a half times.
That was very nice
what you said to my father.
Well...
You know.
Look, Mr. Braxton...
Ben...
I think we should just
forget this ever happened.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
So, I suppose you want me to...
Erase the tape
from the security camera?
That would be nice.
So, how was
baby-sitting last night?
I don't wanna talk about it.
What about you
and the kids in school?
They loved me.
I spoke about
medicine for half an hour,
and they were very interested.
Well, I'm glad it went so well
although I am
a little surprised.
- Tsk, come on, Harry.
Everybody's got their own style.
Mine is no nonsense.
There she is, mommy.
That's the silly doctor.
I don't know
what he's talking about.
Hi, Dr. Feelgood.
Do your funny voice again.
I don't do a funny voice,
I have a funny voice.
Where's germy?
Germy!
Germy!
That idiotic hand puppet?
- Okay, okay.
I used the puppet.
I had to, Harry.
You don't know what it was like.
Those kids can be cruel.
We love you, Dr. Feelgood.
Maxine.
They love you.
You must have been
very, very funny.
I don't want to be funny.
I wanna be scary.
Boo!
All right, don't worry Max,
you'll always be scary to me.
Dr. Feelgood.
Dr. Feelgood, hello.
I'm Ronny's mother.
She loved your show so much,
she insisted
I bring her down here today.
Well, thank you.
So, if you'll just
take her into the exam room,
I'll be...
We didn't come here for an exam.
We were just wondering...
Do you do
children's birthday parties?
No, I do not.
And my name
is not Dr. Feelgood,
it's Dr. Douglas.
And I did not spend
ten years in training
to play second banana
to a sock puppet.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have patients to see.
You're right, sweetheart.
She's funny.
Dr. Feelgood's
not feeling so good right now.
Anybody wanna see...
Dr. Fun?
You stink.
Okay, say
Leslie, please,
if you don't stop laughing,
I can't check your throat.
You're funny.
Hey, where's germy?
Germy's dead.
Germy's dead?
Well, he's
in the washing machine.
Now, say
Ha.
Mrs. Castillo, may I
see you outside for a moment?
Sure.
I think Leslie
may have tonsillitis.
And, with her history, I think
they're gonna have to come out.
No.
You're not gonna
put my baby in the hospital.
- Well, don't worry.
She's gonna be okay.
No, she won't.
I know my daughter.
She's never been in a hospital.
She's gonna be so frightened.
Now, Mrs. Castillo,
just calm down.
If she sees you upset,
then she'll get upset.
Well, how am I gonna tell her?
She's just a little girl.
She'll never understand.
Tsk, why don't you
let me handle it?
I'm trained in these things.
I'm a doctor.
Hi, there.
It's your old pal,
Dr. Feelgood
and germy!
Hey, you know, we've been
having a lot of fun here,
but I was thinking...
You know what's
an even funner place?
What?
The hospital.
They got lots
of neat stuff to see and...
Whoa.
The hospital?
That's right.
Would you please take off
those dumb glasses?
Sure.
Am I sick or something?
Yeah, you are.
But we've got an operation
that'll make you all better.
You just have
to stay in the hospital
for a couple of days, though.
- Will it hurt?
- A little.
But you can have
all the ice cream you want.
Okay.
Mr. Braxton...
We need to talk
about what happened yesterday.
This isn't a good time, Carol.
You cannot run from this.
We had a sexual liaison
and we have to discuss it.
Suit yourself,
but first let me get
the guy at the print shop
off the speakerphone.
I'll call you back, Gus.
Mr. Braxton...
I'm afraid
I'm going to have to quit.
- What? You can't quit.
I need you.
No, you don't need me.
You want me,
and who can blame you.
But I have to be honest.
You are a good person,
and I respect you very much,
but I don't love you.
Fair enough.
- That's it?
You're not upset?
- It's fine.
It was no big deal.
Well, thank you very much.
I didn't say it wasn't fun.
Can we go to work now?
But, Mr. Braxton,
I dot see how I can possibly
continue working here.
Our relationship
has changed forever.
- Carol, you can't quit.
I need you.
The paper needs you.
The crier wasn't
as good before you got here,
and it won't be
the same if you leave.
Really?
Do you mean that?
I'll tell you
how much I mean that.
If it'll make you stay,
you can be aunt Martha.
Plus, I'll even
throw in another column.
- With my own name on it?
- Sure.
If you're willing to change
your name to horoscope.
How about
"Carol Weston's horoscope"?
Whatever.
Or "madame Weston
predicts."
Or "Carol Weston
sees all."
Fine.
Fine.
Now, let's discuss me
and the op-ed page.
Okay.
Well, I'll make a pot of coffee
and we'll talk about it.
- No, no.
- No.
Aunt Martha and the horoscope
will be fine for now.
Hi, I'm Dr. Feelgood.
Hi, I'm Dr. Feelgood!
You might feel good,
but you look like a damn idiot.
Both:
Hey, Laverne.
- You're back in town.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Crutches?
What happened?
Well, a sprained ankle.
It's kind
of an interesting story.
All right,
let's get it over with.
Well, as you know,
I was back in Arkansas
testifyin' against
the notorious hickory mob.
It was so excitin'.
I ain't never been
in a courtroom before.
Why, they had
this reporter there.
Boy, was she fast.
- Look, Laverne...
Laverne, come on.
How... how did you
sprain your ankle?
All right. So, anyway,
after the trial was over,
I's home with mama
and we was watchin' TV
tryin' to get
a glimpse of me on the news.
And we had three vcrs hooked up.
You know, to send
copies to the relatives.
Plus, a video camera
pointed at me
to catch my reaction.
- Laverne, please.
Your ankle...?
All right, all right.
So, all of a sudden,
the reception goes out.
So I had to climb on the roof
and reconnect the antenna.
You slipped off the roof.
Course not.
I could climb a roof
before I learned to walk.
Had to.
Now, that's another story.
Laverne, please,
would you cut the nonsense
and just give us
the end of the story?
Okay.
That's how I sprained my ankle.
♪ Life goes on
♪ and so do we...
♪ ...one by one
♪ we fill the days
♪ I'm always here
♪ for anything you need
♪ rain or shine
♪ I'll be the one...
♪ ...we share it all
♪ as life goes on
Carol...
I got an assignment for you.
Hurry.
A breaking story.
This is the scoop
I've been waiting for.
Let me assure you,
Mr. Braxton.
I will not let you down.
What is it?
Get over to 531 delmar street.
And when you get there...
Watch your step.
- Right.
- Go inside.
- Got it.
And wait for my exterminator.
Your exterminator?
Yeah, I got bugs
crawling all over my kitchen.
They're huge,
and they got these...
Things.
Anyway, here's the key.
And don't step on them.
It just makes them mad.
Mr. Braxton,
you hired me to be a reporter.
Now, I do a lot of menial
things around here,
but there is no way I'm going
to wait for your exterminator.
Daddy, they were huge.
And they had these things.
And... and...
And they were furry
with legs everywhere
and they left this viscous
trail of slimy ooze.
Blech!
Carol, just stop.
That's... that's disgusting.
Next time you should
put your foot down.
No, that just makes them mad.
I don't know why
everyone's so scared of bugs.
When I was a kid
I had an ant farm.
Or did my aunt have a farm?
No, wait,
my aunt bought the farm.
I had sea monkeys.
Well, Scotty's
asleep in his crib.
It's that special time of day.
Do you know what I mean?
Yes, I do, Sophia.
It's that time of day
when you reflect upon
raising your own children
so many years ago.
No, it's that time of day
when you pay me.
I'm sorry, Sophia.
Can you believe this, daddy?
After paying for day care,
I have exactly five dollars
left from my paycheck.
Maybe
you should ask for a raise.
I have, but she won't
let go of the lousy five bucks.
It's... it's more
than just the money,
I... I wanna grow
as a journalist.
I want my own column.
So I went
in there today and I said,
"Mr. Braxton,
I want more responsibility."
And how did he respond to that?
He showed me how to work
the key making machine.
You know, Carol,
instead of whining,
why don't you
just get up off your butt
and do the job
you're being paid to do?
Excuse me?
That's what they tell me
at work all the time.
Actually, Carol,
Charley may be right.
The way to get ahead
is to take the initiative
and make yourself
indispensable to Mr. Braxton.
I got some
more tips for you too, Carol.
Always be on time,
never peek in the portholes,
and never never ever
play guess-who with the captain
while he's parking the boat.
- Maxine.
- I'm glad I caught you.
Look, I'm supposed to go
to the westside
elementary school
this afternoon to do my...
Don't-be-afraid
of-the-doctor presentation...
Wait, is that the one
with that idiotic hand puppet?
I made that puppet.
Children love my puppet.
I have 35-year-olds
still asking about my puppet.
Easy, Harry.
I didn't mean
to diss your puppet.
- Sorry. It's...
You know, it's a button.
Anyway.
Listen, Carol called.
She has to work late,
Sophia cannot sit
so I have to get home
to take care of Scotty so...
I was wondering...
Well, keep wondering, Harry.
It's not gonna happen.
- Come on, Max.
It's for a good cause.
And those kids
never see a doctor.
I know that, but I just can't.
You know how I am
about public speaking.
And I am not a kid person.
Even when I was five
I didn't hang out with kids.
I used to take naps
just to get away from them.
- Maxine, come on.
- It's simple. Trust me.
And the kids love it.
Hello, hello, hello, hello.
I'm Dr. Feelgood.
And I'm...
I'm germy.
Well, germy,
let me put on my glasses.
I'll take a look at your throat.
Here we go. Now.
- Okay, okay.
Let me stop you right there.
I am not gonna wear that.
Even if aliens
invaded the planet
and were slaughtering
every human who doesn't
look like you do right now,
I would not wear that.
- All right.
Fine, Maxine.
I'll just call the school
and tell them
to cancel the assembly
because Dr. Douglas
isn't a kid person.
- Okay.
I'll go.
But I'll do it my way.
Just a brief lecture
on how the body works,
and what a doctor does,
and that's it.
Fine. But... but,
let me add just one thought.
- What?
- You're gonna bomb.
Why don't you head home?
When there's work to be done?
Don't be silly, sir.
Do these envelopes
need to be stamped or sealed?
They need
to be stamped and sealed.
Just lick everything
that looks sticky.
Sir.
Would that you could have sat
at the algonquin round table.
You sure
you don't wanna head home?
Not at all.
What's that you're working on?
I'm just writing
our advice column.
"Dear aunt Martha?"
- All right.
Secret's out.
I'm aunt Martha.
You know,
not to toot my own horn,
but people frequently
come to me for advice.
Yeah?
Well, let's see
how you do with this one.
"Dear aunt Martha,
"I'm a well-built Adonis
"and the broads fight over me
"like I'm the last box
of chocolate cookies.
"It's not so much of a problem,
I just wanna brag."
Signed.
"Pooped in Saint Pete."
All right.
How's this?
I'd reply:
"Here's the scoop, pooped.
"Nobody's cookies
taste that good.
"Get yourself in therapy,
post haste."
He's probably some
self-loathing social pariah
who has a crush on his mommy.
Actually, I wrote it.
But, you know Weston,
that was a pretty decent answer.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
I think I'll print that.
Really?
Well, I'm glad
you liked it, sir.
I... I... I am giddy
with delight.
I am giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy.
Here, giddy, giddy, giddy,
giddy, giddy, giddy.
Whoo.
I need some coffee.
Do you want some?
Sure.
No, no, no, no.
None for me.
I had two eggnog’s
at a Christmas party once
and I tried
to pull all the padding
out of Santa's suit.
Only I didn't realize
he was really fat,
and I was pulling
on his stomach hair.
Anyway...
I'm not much of a drinker.
I'm sorry to hear that.
- It's no big deal.
- Yeah, it is.
I've been pouring scotch
in the coffee all night.
You what?
Well, no wonder
it tastes so weird.
I just assumed
you made lousy coffee.
I do. That's why
I put scotch in it.
I'm sorry, Carol.
I thought you knew.
Well, I'm surprised
I'm not drunk.
I've already had
three coffs of cuppy.
Maybe you can handle your
cuppy better than you thought.
You're darn right, I can.
You know, Weston,
I better call you a cab.
You're a cab.
- Not really.
It's a joke.
You are funny.
You're really, really funny.
You know, I never realized
how really funny you were.
I guess I...
I think I still
have a stamp on my tongue.
Sophia, thank god you're here.
That's what I say
every morning when I wake up.
- Listen, I... I...
I really appreciate this.
I'm so worried about Carol.
I mean, there's
no answer at her office.
Her bed has not
been slept in all night.
I called the police,
I called the hospitals,
I called her friends...
Nobody's seen her.
You're kidding.
Carol has friends?
- All right, dear.
Just stay here for me, dear.
Thank you very much.
I'm gonna run down to her office
and see what I can find out.
- Go ahead.
I'll stay here with Scotty.
Not now, sal.
You'll wake the kids.
Hello?
Hello?
Carol, honey.
Carol, Carol.
Are you okay?
Daddy?
What are you doing here?
What time is it?
You slept here all night, Carol.
I was worried sick about you.
Why didn't you call?
I'm... I'm sorry, daddy.
I was working late and... and...
And I had a couple of drinks.
My god, where's Scotty?
- Scotty's fine.
He's with Sophia.
I mean... Carol, I must have
called here a dozen times.
Was that the phone?
No wonder
the snooze button didn't work.
My head.
Whoa, and my back is killing me
this couch is so uncomfortable.
Whoa.
Aah!
Hi.
So this is where you work!
Well, I'll be going now.
- Wait, daddy.
It's not what you think.
Carol, please, what I'm
trying to think about right now
is the '55 world series.
- Look, we...
We were working late
and... and... and
there was coffee
and... and...
Well, the rest is hazy,
but I'm sure
Mr. Braxton can tell you
exactly what happened.
Yes, I can.
Well, good.
Tell him.
We had sex.
I really...
Don't feel like
going into any more detail
right now with your father here.
- Well, I'll...
I'm... I'm leaving.
I'm leaving now.
- No.
I'd just like to say, sir.
This is not
some one-night stand.
I'm very fond of your daughter.
That makes me feel much better.
My god.
We did, didn't we?
Two and a half times.
That was very nice
what you said to my father.
Well...
You know.
Look, Mr. Braxton...
Ben...
I think we should just
forget this ever happened.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
So, I suppose you want me to...
Erase the tape
from the security camera?
That would be nice.
So, how was
baby-sitting last night?
I don't wanna talk about it.
What about you
and the kids in school?
They loved me.
I spoke about
medicine for half an hour,
and they were very interested.
Well, I'm glad it went so well
although I am
a little surprised.
- Tsk, come on, Harry.
Everybody's got their own style.
Mine is no nonsense.
There she is, mommy.
That's the silly doctor.
I don't know
what he's talking about.
Hi, Dr. Feelgood.
Do your funny voice again.
I don't do a funny voice,
I have a funny voice.
Where's germy?
Germy!
Germy!
That idiotic hand puppet?
- Okay, okay.
I used the puppet.
I had to, Harry.
You don't know what it was like.
Those kids can be cruel.
We love you, Dr. Feelgood.
Maxine.
They love you.
You must have been
very, very funny.
I don't want to be funny.
I wanna be scary.
Boo!
All right, don't worry Max,
you'll always be scary to me.
Dr. Feelgood.
Dr. Feelgood, hello.
I'm Ronny's mother.
She loved your show so much,
she insisted
I bring her down here today.
Well, thank you.
So, if you'll just
take her into the exam room,
I'll be...
We didn't come here for an exam.
We were just wondering...
Do you do
children's birthday parties?
No, I do not.
And my name
is not Dr. Feelgood,
it's Dr. Douglas.
And I did not spend
ten years in training
to play second banana
to a sock puppet.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have patients to see.
You're right, sweetheart.
She's funny.
Dr. Feelgood's
not feeling so good right now.
Anybody wanna see...
Dr. Fun?
You stink.
Okay, say
Leslie, please,
if you don't stop laughing,
I can't check your throat.
You're funny.
Hey, where's germy?
Germy's dead.
Germy's dead?
Well, he's
in the washing machine.
Now, say
Ha.
Mrs. Castillo, may I
see you outside for a moment?
Sure.
I think Leslie
may have tonsillitis.
And, with her history, I think
they're gonna have to come out.
No.
You're not gonna
put my baby in the hospital.
- Well, don't worry.
She's gonna be okay.
No, she won't.
I know my daughter.
She's never been in a hospital.
She's gonna be so frightened.
Now, Mrs. Castillo,
just calm down.
If she sees you upset,
then she'll get upset.
Well, how am I gonna tell her?
She's just a little girl.
She'll never understand.
Tsk, why don't you
let me handle it?
I'm trained in these things.
I'm a doctor.
Hi, there.
It's your old pal,
Dr. Feelgood
and germy!
Hey, you know, we've been
having a lot of fun here,
but I was thinking...
You know what's
an even funner place?
What?
The hospital.
They got lots
of neat stuff to see and...
Whoa.
The hospital?
That's right.
Would you please take off
those dumb glasses?
Sure.
Am I sick or something?
Yeah, you are.
But we've got an operation
that'll make you all better.
You just have
to stay in the hospital
for a couple of days, though.
- Will it hurt?
- A little.
But you can have
all the ice cream you want.
Okay.
Mr. Braxton...
We need to talk
about what happened yesterday.
This isn't a good time, Carol.
You cannot run from this.
We had a sexual liaison
and we have to discuss it.
Suit yourself,
but first let me get
the guy at the print shop
off the speakerphone.
I'll call you back, Gus.
Mr. Braxton...
I'm afraid
I'm going to have to quit.
- What? You can't quit.
I need you.
No, you don't need me.
You want me,
and who can blame you.
But I have to be honest.
You are a good person,
and I respect you very much,
but I don't love you.
Fair enough.
- That's it?
You're not upset?
- It's fine.
It was no big deal.
Well, thank you very much.
I didn't say it wasn't fun.
Can we go to work now?
But, Mr. Braxton,
I dot see how I can possibly
continue working here.
Our relationship
has changed forever.
- Carol, you can't quit.
I need you.
The paper needs you.
The crier wasn't
as good before you got here,
and it won't be
the same if you leave.
Really?
Do you mean that?
I'll tell you
how much I mean that.
If it'll make you stay,
you can be aunt Martha.
Plus, I'll even
throw in another column.
- With my own name on it?
- Sure.
If you're willing to change
your name to horoscope.
How about
"Carol Weston's horoscope"?
Whatever.
Or "madame Weston
predicts."
Or "Carol Weston
sees all."
Fine.
Fine.
Now, let's discuss me
and the op-ed page.
Okay.
Well, I'll make a pot of coffee
and we'll talk about it.
- No, no.
- No.
Aunt Martha and the horoscope
will be fine for now.
Hi, I'm Dr. Feelgood.
Hi, I'm Dr. Feelgood!
You might feel good,
but you look like a damn idiot.