Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 7, Episode 4 - A Chip Off the Old Charley - full transcript

If you've just joined us,
we're talking to young adults

who are in search
of their biological parents.

Boring.

Let's turn on
Regis and kathie Lee

and count how many times
she says "Cody".

- Sophia, wait.
I wanna watch this.

First, meet Raymond burns,

a music student
from New York City.

The only lead he has
in locating his father

is an old photograph.

Reminds me of
Mario catalano back in sicily.



Searched for his father
for two years.

Finally found him in prison.

How awful.

Hey, Mario was lucky.

His father was in prison

for killing the last son
who came looking for him.

I still...

Sophia, look.

That boy looking for his father.

Look at the picture
he's holding.

Yo.

Channel three?
Okay.

Charley, did you
see your picture on TV?

That was my picture?



I thought it was
a reflection off the screen.

You know, sometimes
when the light is just right

I can make it look
like my head is in one

of the Brady bunch squares.

Idiot, that boy
is looking for his father,

and he says it's you.

Turn up the sound.

My mother told me they met
17 years ago on a cruise.

Come on, that could be anybody.

And he told my mother
he owned the ship.

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we...

♪ ...one by one

♪ we fill the days

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Hi, Maxine.

Yeah, look, I'm really sorry
to bother you on a Sunday,

but...
I've got some bad news.

Well, Laverne,
had to go back to hickory.

She's gonna be away for a while.

No, Maxine. That...
That is the bad news.

I know Laverne
was subpoenaed as a witness

at a trial.

Something involving
the... the hickory mafia

and a scarecrow
with broken legs.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I really couldn't hear
over all that banjo music.

Well, we're gonna
have to find somebody

to at least answer the phones.

All right, dear. I'll... yeah.
I'll think of some names, too.

All right. We'll talk.
All right. Bye-bye, dear.

Carol, sweetheart,

would you hand me
my address book, please?

You don't need it, daddy.

Yes, dear, I do.

I have to find
a replacement for Laverne.

Daddy, does this
give you an idea?

Yeah, I'll have the number four.

Gravy on the side.

No, daddy.

I'll be
your Florence nightingale.

What about
your job at the newspaper?

I already
filed my story for the week.

I've got a few days off.

Please, daddy.

Why is this so important to you?

Because you're always
there for me when I need help.

This is my chance
to do something for you.

Well, when you put it that way,

I really can't say no.

You wanna try
putting it some other way?

It's... all right,
all right, all right.

- My god.
Was that a car door?

- No, no.
Charley, calm down.

He's not here yet.

- What about this tie?
Is this tie all right?

The tie is perfect.

It says "dad".

- It should.
It's your father's.

My god.
I just realized something.

You guys are gonna have
to stock up on groceries.

I'm gonna
be mooching for two now.

Charley,
just... just try to relax.

Relax?

It's my son.
The fruit of my looms.

My god. It's him.

What do I do?
What do I do?

Open the door.

I have so much
to learn from you.

Hi.

You're grounded, young man.

Excuse me?

Not really. I just
always wanted to say that.

Come on in.

Raymond?

Hello, I'm Carol Weston.
This is my father Harry Weston.

We live next door.

- Hello.
It's a pleasure to meet you.

Pleasure.

Your f-father tells me
that you're going to be

studying music at Juilliard.

That's right. Yes.

Someday I'd like to play
the flute professionally.

Maybe be a conductor.

That's a great idea.

If the music thing
doesn't work out,

you always have the railroad
job to fall back on.

I think Carol
and I should... should

leave you two to kinda catch up.

It was nice
to meet you, Raymond.

Maybe you can come over
and play something for us later.

- My pleasure.
- Good.

Thank you.
- Take care.

So...

So...

So, does
your mother remember me?

- Yeah, yeah.
She remembers you very well.

That was the night
she quit drinking.

I have
something for you for school.

Saved by the bell lunch box.

Thanks, but,
I'm a little old for this.

You're never
too old for lunch, son.

Listen, I got
a big day planned for us.

We're gonna go down
to the bowling alley

and rent those funny shoes

and see
who can slide the farthest.

- Well, that...
That sounds interesting,

but, I was hoping to go
hear the Miami philharmonic.

Well, if you wanna hear
some really good music,

tonight is kazoo night
at Chuck-e-cheese.

Laverne, this is the fifth time

you've called this morning.

I told you. Trust me.
Everything is under control.

What is that, banjo music?

That means
court's back in session.

All right.
Bye-bye.

I'm hungry.

10:15.

Well.
It's lunchtime somewhere.

Maxine, are you in there?

Who is it?

- Maxine, it's me.
What are you doing?

Drinking coffee.

Why is the door locked?

Because I'm...

Naked.

You're drinking coffee naked?

How very European.

It's really hot coffee.

I gotta get
that damn machine fixed.

Maxine, I was wondering...

What is that smell?

I don't smell anything.

I distinctly detect
the odor of cigarette smoke.

Who was smoking in here?

Nobody.

It was...

An experiment.

With a... rat.

And where's the rat?

He ran away.

Okay, Maxine.

As one medical
professional to another,

you know that denial
is a sign of addiction.

Carol, you are not
a medical professional,

and I am not smoking.

Now, mind your own damn business

and get the hell out of my face.

Well, if that
isn't a cry for help.

Thank you.

That was incredible.

That'd be a bitch to whistle.

Hey, come on, Raymond,
do that other song we worked on.

♪ Ee-i-ee-i-o

everybody.

What, Raymond?

Jackass.

♪ Ee-i-ee-i...

Hey!

So, Raymond,
has your father taken you

on a grand tour of Miami?

We've been having a blast.

You know, today Raymond
got to ride in a boat.

Yeah, the little yellow one
in front of the supermarket.

Raymond, play something else.

Harry,
can I see you for a minute?

- Sure.
Come on. Let's go.

Charley, that's
quite a son you got there.

You should feel very proud.

Yeah, he's a chip off the old...

Harry.

He hates me.

Charley...

What's wrong?
- I don't know.

I took him to the pony rides,

I took him to the petting zoo.

When I cut his meat for him,

he got up
and went to another table.

Harry, I just
want him to like me.

Charley, you're
treating him like he's a child.

Well, I'm new at this.

I don't know
what I'm supposed to do.

Why don't think
about what you liked to do

when you were 17?

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Hey, how about another
round of virgin kamikazes?

Sure.

This is so great.

I never get to do
anything like this.

I'm always practicing my music.

Well, there's
a whole lot of other stuff

you can practice,
if you know what I mean?

This is really fun, dad.

Dad.

You called me dad.

It's the happiest
moment of my life.

Thanks.

Sherlock, it's no big deal.

Just don't tell your father.

I'll never hear the end of it.

Plus, he'll give you that look.

Well, I quit once.
I'll quit again.

Would that it were that easy.

Maxine, smoking is just
like any other addiction.

You can't have
just one more cigarette,

or just one more drink,

or just one
more construction worker.

The point is...

You're a doctor.
You should know better.

Yeah, I do know better.

It's just that I've been
under a lot of stress lately.

And then the other night,
I went out with some friends.

Somebody lit up

and it just looked so damn good.

You know what, Maxine?

I think I can help you.

My guru says...

You would have a guru.

May I continue?

My guru says that all addictions

can be lifted through meditation

and self-healing.

Let's try it, all right?

We'll start with a simple chant.

Om.

Om.

Maxine.

All right.

Om.

Both: Om.

Good.

Now visualize with me.

You're traveling down
a country Lane.

You can smell
the clean, fresh air.

Suddenly, a dark
shadowy figure on a pale horse

comes galloping toward you.

Hey, it's the Marlboro man.

Om.

Om.

The horseman
turns into a giant cigarette.

Do you see it, Maxine?

Yeah.

You reach for the cigarette...

I'm reaching.

And it turns
into a deadly serpent.

Scary.

I know, I'll fight
the serpent with fire.

Good idea.

Go with that.

I'm going.

Good.

Om.

♪ Ee-i-ee-i-o

Cindy Crawford.

Both: ♪ ee-i-ee-i-baby

well, you two seem to be
in a pretty good mood.

Yeah, we've been
partying since Thursday.

We started out at stiffy's

and ever since then
it's been babe-o-rama.

You mean to tell me
you've been sneaking him

into strip joints?

Nuh.

Dad gave me a fake I.D.

Carol, why don't you
take Raymond in the other room

and show him your cd collection?

Good idea.

I must confess,

I'm an absolute freak
for shostakovich.

Hey, dad.

Now there's a piece of music
I'd like to play.

If you know what I mean.

What did you hit me for?

What the hell are you doing?

A father doesn't take
a 17-year-old boy

on a 3-day bender.

- My dad did.
- Charley.

- All right, all right.
It was my mom.

The point is, Harry,

he likes me
and it's all thanks to you.

- God.
- Maybe I wasn't very clear.

But your son came here
looking for his father,

not some fraternity brother.

Like I could get into college.

Charley, listen to me.

I... I know how much
you want this to work out,

I know how much
you want Raymond to like you,

but parenthood
is not a popularity contest.

Being a father means
you have to be responsible.

Gee, Harry,
this is really complicated.

Let me put it in terms
that you can understand.

Stiffy's, bad.

Responsibility, good.

Is that from the Bible?

Say, doctor,

when can I have sex again?

- I don't know.
In a week or so.

With who?

You're on your own,
Mr. Parker.

- Night, Harry.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Maxine,
I've barely seen you all day.

Every time you had a break,

you were out for a walk
or in the ladies room.

Is everything okay?

Everything's fine, Harry.

- Hold on a second.
Can I bum a cigarette?

Sure, ha...

Carol told you.

- She didn't have to, Maxine.
You smell like an ashtray.

- All right.
Here it comes.

Give me the lecture.

I'm not gonna
give you a lecture, Maxine.

I used to be a smoker myself.

You used to smoke?

- Boy, yeah.
Well, 15 years.

Quitting was
the hardest thing I ever did.

Harry.

I'm so embarrassed.

It's just that everything
I loved about smoking

came flooding back.

And I'd forgotten
how good it feels

to have a nice dinner

and sit back
and take that first drag.

- Yeah.
- I know what you mean.

You know what I miss?

Smoking while driving.

A cigarette and a cup of coffee.

You know what else I remember?

Waking up
in the middle of the night

And you're out of cigarettes.

And then you have to pick
through a dirty ashtray

to find a long enough butt.

Sometimes I've even fished
a wet one out of the trash.

Maxine.

I know, Harry.

I'm done.

I can't believe I have to go

through the hell
of quitting again.

Yeah.

Good for you.

Hey, Raymond,
we gotta get to the airport.

Are you packed yet?

What's going on?

Well, I thought
I'd go down to the beach

and peep some Hooters.

But you have a plane to catch.

Well, you know,
I've been thinking.

Now, we just started
to get to know each other.

I don't wanna leave yet.

You mean you wanna stay with me?

Dad, you've shown me
how to have fun.

Juilliard can wait.

Sounds like one of those
responsibility things.

Don't move.

Harry, I got a problem.

Me too. I can't find
those little pickles.

I can't eat
a sandwich without them.

Second shelf
in the back, to the left,

behind the bottle
of ranch dressing.

Expires Tuesday.

Well... well,
thank you, Charley.

What's up?

Raymond says he'd rather
stay with me and party

than go to school.

Well, you're not gonna
let him do that, are you?

Of course not.

Hey, dad, you got a lot of
chicks' phone numbers in here.

What are these little
happy faces next to their names?

Well, that usually
means job well done.

Give me that.

Raymond, I can't let you stay.

Why not?

Because...

Don't move.

Why can't he stay, Harry?

Charley, you know why.

He's a talented young man
with a bright future in music.

Staying would be irresponsible.

- Yeah. Thanks.
- Fine.

Hey, I didn't know
you had the ecstasy channel.

Give me that.

Raymond, you're
a talented young man

with a bright future in music.

And staying would be...

Would be...

Damn.

Don't move.

Hi, Harry.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Raymond, what is this...

About you not
wanting to go to school?

- Great.
- Now the whole neighborhood

knows our family problems.

Look, it's my life.

I think it's about time
I made my own decisions.

And I'm gonna stay here.

With my dad.

D'you hear that, Harry?

He wants to stay with his dad.

That's me.

That's right, Charley.

Raymond, I want you
to go to your room

and get your things.

I'm taking you to the airport.

- But, dad...
- No, no. Don't "but, dad" me.

You have to go
to school and work hard,

and then, when you have time,

you can come here and party...
Responsibly.

Somewhere other than stiffy's.

Stiffy's, bad.

Dad, what happened to you?

You were so cool.

I'm not cool.

I'm your father.

Charley,
where did that come from?

I don't know.

I'm real proud of you.

I just thought of something.

Young man, you give me back
that fake I.D.

There you go, my man.

- Can't have a fake I.D.
Till he's 21.

Pfft, thing plays jazz.

I hate jazz.