Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 6, Episode 21 - Half That Jazz - full transcript

- I tell you, Sonny.
Nobody...

Nobody played the saxophone
the way you did.

Now, I'm going back...

I don't know...
At least maybe, like, 20 years.

It was a Friday night.

I see you playing lead alto
for the kenton band.

Next night you were jamming
at the blue's union,

and then Sunday afternoon
at wolf trap, I saw you again.

Everywhere you played,
I was there.

Well, man,
you should've said something.

We could've carpooled.



- Yeah, man, you were...
You were the best.

So, the phone company?

Yeah, you know,
all that traveling and touring

got to be a real drag.

Besides, this gig
comes with a dental plan.

Right.

Okay, doc, that's it.

Okay, now, we're on
for tonight, right?

- Yeah, wouldn't miss it.
- Okay, great.

I tell you what...
For dinner, we'll have...

Your song, remember?

Yeah, I remember the song.

I just never heard it
sung in that many keys before.

♪ Life goes on



♪ and so do we

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Hey, Carol.

Look what I can do.

Pretty cool?

Want to know my secret?

Your parents were cousins?

- See?
Peanut butter.

Here's a tip.
Never use crunchy.

It leaves little dents
in your nose.

So...

There you are.

You have dishonored
the petrillo family name.

Sophia, what's wrong?

I paid this bum 100 bucks

to take my niece
carlotta to a wedding.

Let me tell you about her niece.

There's a whole lotta carlotta.

I should've charged you
by the pound.

- Charley!
- What's the big deal?

I took her to the wedding.
- And you left her there!

So? You didn't pay
for round trip.

The poor thing was so upset,

she ate the entire wedding cake.

I almost lost three fingers
trying to save

the little bride and groom.

Charley, how could you
leave her there?

I had an emergency.

A cocktail waitress
blew in my ear.

- That's it.
I will have my revenge.

You'll pay for this,
Charley dietz.

And remember,
a sicilian never forgets.

So...

There you are.

So... so, anyway,
when this musician

gets into heaven, right,

he hears this amazing drum solo.

It's fantastic.

So he says to Saint Peter,

"how did buddy rich
get into heaven?"

Saint Peter says,
"shh. That's god.

He just thinks
he's buddy rich."

Daddy, this is so cute.

I haven't seen you this giddy

since you sent
that very gushy fan letter

to Peggy Lee.

Listen, if it weren't
for Peggy Lee and fever,

you wouldn't be here.

Sonny, did daddy tell you

that he likes to play
his saxophone

along with your records?

- Carol, come on.
- Doc, hey...

You didn't tell me you played.

Carol, you're very lucky.
- Lucky?

Yeah, with a sax in his mouth,
he can't sing.

It's true.
I can't carry a tune.

- Wait a minute.
I've just had a brainstorm.

The brainstorm
di tutti brainstorms.

I live here,
but you can make a run for it.

Daddy, can you imagine
the excitement

if Sonny were to come
out of retirement

for one night and play
at the medical center benefit?

- Carol that's a...
Brainstorm.

Sonny, I-I mean, if it
wouldn't be an imposition...

I-I-I mean, it's a... it's really
a very worthy cause.

Doc, it's... it's been
a long time

since I played
in front of people.

- Come on, these aren't people.
They're doctors.

I mean, you know, it'll be
something small and informal.

- Well, small...
Small's good.

Are these docs pals of yours?
- Yeah, sure.

Then why don't you do
the gig with me?

As what?

- I'm not so bad.
- Yeah, I think it'd be great.

Me and my number-one fan
taking a stand.

- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- I-I don't know.
I mean, come on.

I mean, me and Sonny Baxter
together onstage.

No. Come on, no, not
in a million billion years.

All right,
it was just a thought.

But out of curiosity,
what would we wear?

Hey, Harry, you're pretty good.

Yeah, you are!

Thanks.

You know, Dr. Weston,
this sure is excitin'...

You doin' this show and all.

It's too bad
you don't play trumpet.

You know, my uncle Willard
back in hickory,

he's a world-class
spit-valve cleaner.

You have an uncle who cleans
spits valves for a living?

No, it's just a hobby.

- My head.
- My head. My head.

Charley, what's wrong?

My head!

- Charley, let me have a look.
Have a seat.

That's a nasty bump.

I'll get you some ice.

What happened?

One of the wheels
fell off my car.

Did... did you hit
your head on the windshield?

No, I hit my head
on a fire hydrant

when I bent over
to pick up the wheel.

Thanks.

Harry, do you think
Sophia is capable

of hurting anyone?

What are you talking about?

Harry, she threatened
to kill me.

- Sophia?
Come on, that's ridiculous!

Yeah? Well, yesterday
somebody threw a brick

through my window.

Then last night somebody fired a
bullet through my window.

Then this morning

somebody threw a rattlesnake
through my window.

- What are you gonna do?
- Stop fixing that window.

La, la.

Now, that's what I call
le jazz hot.

Thank you, Carol.

Carol, Carol,
what's with the snapping?

Daddy-o, get with it.

Back in the '50s,
way before I was born,

this was the "in" way
to show your approval.

Then you kind of nod
your head up and down

and bite your lower lip
and close your eyes.

Daddy, show Sonny
what you're gonna wear.

Come on, what do you think?

Isn't that great?

It's just like, daffy Gillespie.

- She means...
She means dizzy.

- Stick with daffy.
- All right.

Yeah, you know...
You know, Sonny,

there's, quite a buzz
about your big comeback here.

Doc, this... this is
not exactly a comeback.

- I don't know.
Carol says that

the Miami banner
is sending a photographer.

The dade county magazine
is doing a-a whole story on you.

- That's great.
- Yeah!

Daddy, Sonny,
I have a little surprise!

Hey, cats, let's jam.

- Don't get up, Dreyfus.
I'll get it.

- Daddy. Daddy, wait.
What if it's a burglar?

Yeah, I can see
the headlines now.

"Bell-ringing burglar
strikes again... police baffled"

please, Carol.

Sonny, what are you doing here?
What... what's wrong?

- I'm sorry it's so late.
C-Can I come in?

- Yeah, come on.
- Sonny, what's the matter?

- What's the matter? Everything.
Everything's the matter.

Look, I've been thinking.
Who... who am I kidding?

I-It's been 20 years
since I've been on a stage.

I just ca...
I can't do the show.

What is it... stage fright?

No! The stage
doesn't bother me.

It's the audience.

Poor Sonny.

I, too, have cowered
in the cold, dark shadow

of my own fear.

Is she always like this?

You have no idea.

Look, Sonny, Sonny, pal, I mean,
I'll be up there with you.

Would it help if I joined
you with my trumpet?

Both: No.

- Look, I'm... I'm sorry.
I just... I just can't do it.

Sonny Baxter!

If you walk out that door,
you'll regret it.

Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow,

but soon and for the rest
of your life.

Is she some kind
of actress or something?

Sonny...

Let me tell you a story.

It's about
a little redheaded girl,

an easter pageant,
and a very nasty bunny.

You know what, honey?

I-I-I already told Sonny
that story.

Sonny, I have something to say,

but you may not want to hear it.

I can almost guarantee that.

You just have cold feet.

But I can help you warm them.

I'll be your emotional
shoes and socks.

See?

- What do you think, Harry?
- Well, I...

He thinks
that in your heart of hearts,

you know that you can do it.
- But, you know...

He understands
that for far too long,

fear has been your copilot,
right, daddy?

But what's more important
to daddy

is that you do this for you,

not for him, not for me,
but for you,

right, daddy?

Daddy?

- Is it my turn?
Please.

Look, Sonny, I think...

Pretty much
what she said I think.

- Okay, okay.
If you guys believe in me...

- All right.
- All right.

Okay. Well, this is
gonna be a first for me.

- Why?
What do you mean?

Well, I'm gonna try
to go onstage sober.

Sonny, I had no idea
you had a drinking problem.

Yeah, nobody knew.

- Come on, sit down.
Let's... let's talk about this.

Look, Harry, it got so bad,

I-I couldn't face a crowd
without a drink...

A few drinks.
What am I talking about?

I mean, I had to get
loaded, smashed.

I'm talking blotto...
- Don't eat that!

There's rum in that candy.

- Sonny, so that's why you...
That's why you quit playing?

I had no choice.

One night, I was doing
this gig in Philly.

Next thing I remember,

I woke up facedown
in a supermarket deli case.

And I'm... I'm trying to play
take the "a" train on a salami.

Look, Sonny, nobody wants you
on that stage more than I do.

But not if it's gonna make you
start drinking again.

Harry, Harry,
I've been sober for 20 years.

Something tells me
I-I can do this gig.

Perhaps it was something I said.

No. No.

A lot of people
have been wanting me

to come out of retirement,
you know?

But they... they all wanted
something.

You guys want me
to do this for me.

- I said that.
It was something I said.

- Okay.
Harry, I'm gonna do it.

And I promise you, no booze.
- All right.

But all bets are off
if she brings that trumpet.

So, although they begged,
they pleaded,

they even cajoled, I told them,

"it's daddy's night
to shine, and, no,

I will not play my trumpet
at the benefit tonight."

Who cares?

Daddy's very excited about this.

Do you know
who he's playing with?

- No.
- Sonny Baxter.

The lush.

Hey, did I ever tell you
about the time

I went out with Benny Goodman?

You went out with Benny Goodman?

Who do you think
he was in the mood for?

Sophia, Glenn Miller
did in the mood.

Maybe I went out
with Glenn Miller.

There you are, Sophia.

I didn't think
you were this ruthless.

But you're cold.
You're ice-cold.

Not according to Glenn Miller...

And/or Benny Goodman.

- Hey, don't change the subject.
You're trying to kill me.

- What?
- Okay, you win.

I apologized to carlotta
and your uncle vito,

and here's your 100 bucks back.

There's only 40 here.

That's all Harry had
in his wallet.

Sophia, sweetness...

Were you trying to kill Charley?

Have you been hitting
the rum candy again?

Well, I heard you say
you were going to get him.

- I did.
I snuck into his house,

and I put saran wrap
on his toilet bowl.

I'm a little devil.

Don't mind me.
I gotta hide.

Charley, what is wrong with you?

It wasn't Sophia
trying to kill me.

It was Sherry's husband!
- Who's Sherry?

The waitress
I picked up at the wedding.

I didn't know she was married!

Please.

Okay, she said
they were separating.

- Charley.
- Okay, they bickered

before she went to work.

How do you know it's him?

He's out in my driveway
with a baseball bat

and another snake.

I don't know
what he's so upset about.

She wasn't that good.

Charley,
why don't you call the cops?

Why didn't I think of that?

'Cause you're a yutz.

By the way, Charley,
when you apologized

to uncle vito, what did he say?

- Nothing.
But he seemed pretty happy.

He gave me a big kiss
right on the mouth.

Lay low for a while.

Well, don't blame me.

That's the last time
I let you drive.

My drivin'
had nothin' to do with it.

You spilt that soda

while I was a-skillfully
navigatin' a road hazard.

We were airborne!

Well, it couldn't be avoided.

Laverne,
the sign said "dip."

Did you think the city of Miami
was suggesting we dance?

Laverne, you're looking good.

Would you like a sip
of my drink?

- What is it?
- Vodka and yoo-hoo.

- Do you mind?
I can't hear.

Sophia, the show
hasn't started yet.

Who cares about the show?

I'm watching
American gladiators.

Go, Blaze, go!

Yes.

No. Yes.

Whassup?

What's happenin'?

Sssss...
Sally.

No, no, no. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank... thank you.

Appreciate it.
Appreciate it. Appreciate it.

No, it's my pleasure
to be back here

at my... my favorite club...

The jazz factory.

Laugh, laugh, laugh,
laugh, laugh.

Now, now, here he is,
ladies and gentlemen,

my man, my friend,
the cat's cat,

Mr. Sonny Baxter!

Yes, applause,
applause, applause.

You know,
Sonny and I came together

by way of a-a mutual friend
I like to call...

Serendipity.

Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle.

Meow, meow, meow.

- Come on, Laverne!
- Lordy, you are a-might jumpy.

Now, you just relax.

We are out there
rootin' for you.

You just go on out there

and break one of them
skinny legs of yourn.

Daddy, I've looked everywhere.

Laverne, what are you
doing here?

Carol, I just came
to tell your daddy that...

Laverne, daddy must prepare.

Now is not the time
to fill his head

with country fiddle-faddle.

Carol, honey...

You break a leg too.

Daddy, where is Sonny?

He was supposed to be here
half an hour ago.

- I don't know.
He's probably stuck in traffic.

Now, just... I mean,
just chill out there, sister.

Be cool.
We ought to hang with this.

Everything is copacetic.

We're gonna wail.
We're gonna groove.

Nice patter, daddy.

I'll go try and call him again.
- Okay.

My god.

My god, daddy,
I just had a horrible thought.

What if he's drinking?

What if we've sent
that poor man careening

down the slippery slope
to self-destruction,

like some forsaken luge driver
who's lost his sled?

What luge driver?

I can see Sonny now,
sitting at his kitchen table,

trembling under a bare bulb,
a half empty bottle of bourbon...

No, gin...

No, bourbon...

Carol, just... just stop.

Now, he said he'd be here,
he'll be here.

Just...

Just calm down.

Hey, doc, you're on.

What, I'm on?

I-i-I'm on.
What happened to the...

What happened...
What happened to the comic?

I bombed. Tough room.

- I'm not... I'm not...
I'm not on.

I can't be on.
- Ladies and gentlemen,

the jazz factory is proud
to present Sonny Baxter

and Harry "doc" Weston.

- I'm not ready.
What am I gonna do?

- You're gonna get out there.
- I can't...

Listen, I can't do this.
- You're gonna groove.

You're gonna wail.
- I can't do this.

- Go!
- I can't...

Hi, now.

Daddy, daddy.

There it is.

Well...

Well, you know what?
Let's...

No, no, that's...
Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. I...
I-I appreciate it.

Whoo! It's a great pleasure
to be, back here

playing my favorite club,
um, the... the jazz factory.

Laugh, laugh,
laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh.

Now he knows
how Chevy chase must've felt.

Yeah, and it ain't purty.

Look, turbo's tights
are slipping.

Now, that is purty.

This is... this is where Sonny
would play.

It's... really,
it's really great.

Hey, he's late, but he's great.

Sonny Baxter!

Sonny, Sonny, Sonny, Sonny.

You all right?
- I don't know.

Where... where've you been?

I was at Harrigan's bar.

- Sonny!
- No, no, I wasn't drinking.

I was installing a phone.

Hey, you guys,
are you gonna talk,

or are you gonna play?

What do you say?

- Okay, hit it, guys.
- Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I wanted to say, "hit it."

Hey, Sonny, you got old.

Boy, what a mouth on that one.

How'd you like to be married
to that?

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a rare treat tonight.

A legendary blues stylist.

Give it up
for fishbone petrillo.

Yeah, fishbone.

Hey, hey.