Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
Harry is proposed to eighteen months after the death of his wife.
Yeah, Dreyfuss, hurry.
There we go.
That's my good boy.
That's my Dreyfuss.
All right, Dreyfuss, out!
Dreyfuss,
I know you have to go.
You have not been out
since last night.
You have
an extraordinary bladder.
I like that in a dog.
I like that in me.
Please, Dreyf,
you have to go!
Go!
Fine. Don't go.
See if I care.
Dreyfuss.
You know, for your information,
some animals can get their own food.
You should see
what monkeys can do.
They take care
of their handicapped.
They're like nurses
with tails.
Well, you know what I mean.
Come on,
we're gonna eat now, right?
You gonna eat for Harry
this morning?
Have a little breakfast
for us?
Dreyfuss,
what is that look?
Libby is dead,
which means I don't have a wife.
You don't have lamb chops.
So, yeah, she spoiled you
rotten, Dreyfuss.
Hey!
Dr. Weston.
Hi, Emily, baby.
How are you?
Midterms over?
Ha.
I bet that's a relief.
So it's sunny up there
in New York?
But Willard Scott
had a big sun over New York.
How could it be raining?
Yeah, well, if Willard
would spend a little less time
on the date nut cake from Vermont,
a little more time on the maps...
I-I don't know what you wear
to the opera, dear.
I've never been
to the opera.
Don't worry. I can find out
about these things.
I will ask your sisters.
I will get you the latest
in opera wearing information.
Okay?
Love you too, baby.
Bye.
The opera,
Dreyfuss, the opera.
What do you wear to the opera
if you're a 19-year-old girl?
You never were a morning person,
were you, Dreyfuss?
So, Rocco... You did
swallow your mother's ring.
- Sapphire ring.
- Well, don't worry, kiddo.
- It's not gonna hurt.
- Him? What about me?
3 carats
surrounded by diamonds.
Now, we can get the ring,
and it won't hurt.
- When?
- I have a function night.
So Rocco,
what happened?
Were you playing
with the ring?
And were afraid your mother
would catch you...
- Exactly.
- Is your name Rocco?
Now, listen,
your throat is fine,
your insides are fine.
You know what's gonna happen?
It'll just come out
the other end.
In the front door...
Out the back door.
When exactly?
Call roto-rooter, okay?
Maybe they
can hurry it along.
- Well, it's just that I have this...
- Function. I know.
Well, your function will have
to wait for his function.
Mrs. Fogal, dear, why don't you
just wait outside for a minute?
I just want to have
a little guy talk with Rocco.
Bye...
Your mother is not
getting a lollipop today.
So listen to me.
Now, from now on,
you only swallow food, right?
Okay.
You still scared?
Now, listen,
this is my home number.
You can call me
if you need to talk.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Good guy.
- Come here.
That phone number...
Do not give it to your mother!
- It's just for us.
- Time's up in here.
Haven't I told you
to knock first?
Yeah. You got
25 phone calls to return.
The waiting room's so backed up
we're out of toys.
Plus, the play-doh's
gone hard.
I'm not working through my lunch
again, so you get a move on,
or you'll be doing this
without a nurse.
You do know monkeys
could be nurses.
Yeah, if most of them
weren't doctors.
Laverne, what do you wear
to the opera?
How the hell would I know?
I'm from Arkansas.
Hi.
- Got a minute?
- 30 seconds.
- I wish I could fire you.
- I wish I could quit!
What do you wear
to the opera?
I don't go.
Do we have a date tonight?
A ba... a date?
- Well, yes.
- Runny nose, sore throat, slight fever.
Well, keep him away from me.
I don't want to catch it.
Eva, are you ki... are you crazy?
Date? I don't date.
My wife just died.
Harry, we have been having
dinner together
every Friday night
for the past year.
If that's not dating,
what is it?
Eating.
- Eating.
- Right.
- We've just been eating.
- And talking.
- I see.
- A little walking.
- Right.
- Sounds like dating.
My god,
I feel awful.
My wife just died,
and I'm dating.
Libby died
18 months ago, Harry.
Look, all I want to know is...
Are we eating together tonight?
Of course.
Great.
See you at 7:30?
Okay.
You believe that?
She thinks we've been dating.
In my town,
we didn't have dating.
You washed your hair
every Saturday night,
and then when you were 14,
you married your cousin.
Well!
This is nice.
Your refrigerator
is a disgrace, daddy.
Everything in here has
a cartoon on the label.
There is not one piece of fruit,
nothing fresh.
More importantly,
what do you wear to the opera?
How would I know?
My ex-husband's idea of a
night out was not with me.
You want to come
to my house tonight?
- I'm making pasta.
- Sorry, dear, I can't.
- I have a date.
- What?
You know Eva Barrett,
the virologist.
You've been dating?
Well, I thought
I'd been eating.
Who knew I was dating?
But mom just died.
Carol, it's been 18 months.
Eva Barrett
is an awful woman.
She was coming on to you
at the funeral.
You used to like
Eva Barrett.
Until the funeral.
I saw what she did.
She kissed you!
Marty Spinetti
kissed me too.
So far, we're not dating.
You're dating.
Come on,
don't keep calling it dating.
We are friends. Carol, listen...
Hey, listen to me.
Aside from you and your sisters,
she is the only living, caring
being in my life right now
who doesn't drink
from a toilet.
- Well...
- Yeah.
As long
as you're not dating.
I mean,
as long as you're friends.
- That's what it is.
- Come on.
So speaking of dating,
which I am not doing,
- how about you?
- Dating?
I love it.
I get to do an impersonation
of a perfect person.
I get to act much nicer
than I really am...
Be fascinated at how
their therapy is going
now that they're finally
able to cry.
And throw my head back...
In laughter at their wit...
As I eat
my blackened redfish.
Hey, neighbor.
- Darn, it's you.
- I'm out of here.
Hey, don't take it
personally, Carol.
It's just I don't like
the food you bring.
Your sister brings
much better food.
You bring all this weird
health stuff.
Look at this.
Everything in here is green.
It's good for you.
I don't eat anything green,
except gum.
You eat anything
that's free.
You know, you got
a personality problem, Carol.
- Maybe that's why...
- Maybe that's why, what?
I don't want to hurt you.
You can't hurt me.
Ho-ho, please!
If I said to you maybe
that's why your husband left you
for that adorable blond, um...
What's her name?
Rita.
Ho-ho-ho-ho, yeah!
Rita.
God, I never saw
a body like that in my life!
I wanted to pray to her.
But I don't want
to say that to you,
and, well, I never would,
'cause I'm a decent guy.
Bye-bye, daddy.
- You have fun tonight.
- Thanks.
When do you sail next,
Charley?
- Tuesday.
- Sink.
- That was great.
- Eva, that was just great.
So, Harry,
you haven't told me.
How do you feel
about dating?
Well, it's the same as eating,
actually, except you can't write it off.
Come on, Harry,
you gotta admit it.
We have a really terrific
relationship here.
We do, we do.
We really do.
Hoo!
Boy, what a clear night.
I think I can see Cuba!
We've known each other
for 16 years.
- We're both widowed.
- Have you ever been to Cuba?
I would love to go to Cuba.
I haven't had a decent cigar
since the missile crisis.
Harry, we're not 25.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
- Why don't we get married?
- Ho-ho-ho...
Yes. Married.
Yes.
This is our first date.
This is the first time
I ever brought you flowers.
I mean, they're not even serious
flowers like long-stem roses.
There just happened to be a kid
at the off ramp, you know?
Harry, we've been seeing
each other for over a year,
and you didn't even know
we were dating.
I want an answer soon.
Well, what's soon?
Soon is by Monday.
That's soon, all right.
Because, Harry, if the answer is
no... I have to get on with my life.
Are you serious?
You mean if I say no,
you won't see me anymore?
I'm crazy about you.
But I got to get on with it.
- Come...
- Eva, now, this is... This is nuts!
I mean, marriage.
It's so fast.
One date, a few carnations,
blue ones... You know.
We haven't had sex.
I mean, we haven't even kissed.
Hey, you.
Where have you been?
I've been calling you
for two days.
I was getting very worried.
My god,
two whole days?
Daddy, I was on a stakeout.
I love hearing that...
"my daughter's on a stakeout."
I cannot tell you what a nice
effect that has on my heart.
Relax.
It's a piece of cake.
Barbara, please,
you're dealing with bad guys,
crazed men who don't care
what happens to you
as long as they get
what they want.
Those are the guys
I date, daddy.
Why are you a cop?
Because I like running
in and out of buildings.
You ask me that
every time you see me.
Because I think someday soon I might
get an answer that makes some sense.
You used to want to be
a ballerina.
I bought you toe shoes!
I outgrew them.
I like what I do, daddy.
It's important work,
and I'm very good at it.
Doughnuts for a change.
Why don't you just take out
your gun and shoot him?
Makes too much noise.
Come on, you can have one.
A doughnut once in a while
will not kill you.
- I'm a doctor.
- I can't.
I just found out my talking
scale has been lying to me.
You have a talking scale?
It's great company.
I get on it.
It says, "your weight
is 115 pounds.
Have a good day."
I mean, what man in my life
is that nice to me?
So I've been having very good
days thinking I weigh 115 pounds.
But I don't.
I never did.
And it probably knew it
the whole time.
So how'd you find out?
Did it snicker
when you got off?
I got on a silent scale.
The thing is, you can't trust
anything that talks.
First your husband,
now your scale.
Listen, girls,
I have an announcement to make.
- At least I had a husband.
- Girls, listen... it was just a joke, Carol.
Well, I'm sick
of your jokes, Barbara.
Come on,
play nice girls.
Especially the one when I was nine
and you told me I was adopted.
I was proposed, to
last night.
- I was four.
- How could you believe me?
- You crossed your heart.
- I didn't cross my heart!
You were what?
Proposed to,
you know, like in marriage.
- Daddy... That's great.
- Are you out of your mind?
- Who is it?
- Eva Barrett.
Eva's wonderful.
That's great.
Everything's
always great with her.
It's sick.
The whole time we were
growing up, she was that way.
What way?
Perky, happy.
It's disgusting.
I mean, where is a little despair,
a little depression, for god's sake?
Read some Dostoevsky.
Please!
Please, if she is happy,
leave her alone.
I'm just trying to inject a little
reality into her life, daddy.
Don't talk to me
about reality.
I'm a cop.
I deal with the scum
of the earth.
I see the most tragic, filthy,
disgusting things in the world.
See that?
I got to go.
I've been up all night,
and I have a date.
- How can you have a date?
- You haven't been to bed yet.
I'm combining the two.
I hate...
You're upset.
No, I'm not upset.
- Why are you upset?
- I am not upset.
Fine. Good. No.
You're not upset.
You were never here, and you're
not going to be here now.
What do you mean
I was never here?
- You weren't.
- There were always sick kids.
My entire life
I competed with sick kids.
On my birthday,
there were sick kids.
On parents' day,
there were sick kids.
On the Halloween I was a banana,
you promised you'd be there.
You said, "no sick kids are gonna
keep me away from my little banana."
Remember?
Not those exact words.
I was a great banana.
And I waited...
And waited... And waited.
And you didn't come.
And you didn't see me.
I was the best banana, daddy.
I had a united fruit label
on the side of my head.
Carol, it's not like I was out
shooting pool and getting drunk.
And mom was my best friend practically...
Someone I could really talk to.
And then she dies, and my husband
leaves me for a slut named Rita.
Well, you name a kid Rita, you got a
damn good chance of getting a slut.
And now you're thinking
about getting married.
And there's no one.
There's just no one anymore.
Everyone's gone... My husband...
My mother... You.
God, I miss mom
so much.
I want her back so bad.
The wrong parent died.
God, I wish I were dead
and your mother were alive.
No, no, no.
Yes, yes, yes.
No, no.
Yes.
That's not what I meant.
I just... I just meant...
I don't know.
I know, I know, I know.
Look... Just give me another chance, okay?
Let me try to do better,
'cause I really want to.
Okay.
Because I love you
very much.
I love you too, daddy.
Is there anything I can catch
in here, any really bad stuff?
Hi.
How do you work in here?
You could kill the planet with what
you got going on in this place.
- What is this?
- A new virus.
Pffft!
I could never work in here.
I hate germs!
- So, Harry?
- It's a miracle I'm a doctor
with the way I feel
about germs.
I guess the answer
is no.
- What answer?
- Harry...
No, the answer.
I know... the answer.
I feel like... I know how this is
gonna sound... Crazy, probably, but...
I feel like I'd be...
Unfaithful to Libby.
Harry, it's been a while.
It's not a function
of time, Eva.
It's the reflection
of a relationship.
When Burt rollins' wife died, he was
looking for a date that night.
Three weeks later,
he had a playboy bunny
and a prostate the size
of the hindenburg.
Libby was my world, Eva.
And 18 months
is like 18 days.
I don't know how long I'm gonna
feel like this, but right now...
She's still alive for me, and... I'm
not ready to be with anyone else.
I understand.
But I don't want to lose you
as a friend.
You'll miss the meals?
- No.
- I'll miss you.
You're not such
a great cook.
Harry, as long as I keep seeing you,
no one else will ever measure up,
and I will wind up alone.
So... That's it?
Yes.
Yes.
Eva, listen,
I...
I left my tennis racket
in the trunk of your car.
Keep it.
It's... it's a big one.
It's like hitting the ball
with a trampoline.
I am sorry.
I'm gonna miss you a whole lot.
Well...
I guess I'll see you around.
Good-bye, Harry.
Dreyfuss, come on.
Answer the phone.
You live here too.
Hello.
Hi, Emily, baby!
I'm doing just great.
I got the opera-wearing
information.
You ready?
Poof dresses...
The latest thing.
I don't know how you sit in them,
but that's what they're all wearing.
The style came from France.
I'm sure they don't wear them.
They just invented them
to torture Americans.
Okay.
All right, you're welcome.
I love you too.
Bye.
Dreyfuss...
My big Dreyfuss. Dreyfuss.
How are you, Dreyfuss?
How are you?
Hi, baby.
You're amazing.
You know that?
You're glad to see me
every minute of my life.
I come home, you jump around
and wag your tail.
I go in the closet, I come out,
you jump around and wag your tail.
I turn my face away, I turn
it back, you wag your tail.
Either you love me very much
or your short-term memory is shot.
Give me a kiss!
I love you, Dreyfuss.
I love you!
Come on.
I'll sit with you
while you eat.
Yeah.
There we go.
That's my good boy.
That's my Dreyfuss.
All right, Dreyfuss, out!
Dreyfuss,
I know you have to go.
You have not been out
since last night.
You have
an extraordinary bladder.
I like that in a dog.
I like that in me.
Please, Dreyf,
you have to go!
Go!
Fine. Don't go.
See if I care.
Dreyfuss.
You know, for your information,
some animals can get their own food.
You should see
what monkeys can do.
They take care
of their handicapped.
They're like nurses
with tails.
Well, you know what I mean.
Come on,
we're gonna eat now, right?
You gonna eat for Harry
this morning?
Have a little breakfast
for us?
Dreyfuss,
what is that look?
Libby is dead,
which means I don't have a wife.
You don't have lamb chops.
So, yeah, she spoiled you
rotten, Dreyfuss.
Hey!
Dr. Weston.
Hi, Emily, baby.
How are you?
Midterms over?
Ha.
I bet that's a relief.
So it's sunny up there
in New York?
But Willard Scott
had a big sun over New York.
How could it be raining?
Yeah, well, if Willard
would spend a little less time
on the date nut cake from Vermont,
a little more time on the maps...
I-I don't know what you wear
to the opera, dear.
I've never been
to the opera.
Don't worry. I can find out
about these things.
I will ask your sisters.
I will get you the latest
in opera wearing information.
Okay?
Love you too, baby.
Bye.
The opera,
Dreyfuss, the opera.
What do you wear to the opera
if you're a 19-year-old girl?
You never were a morning person,
were you, Dreyfuss?
So, Rocco... You did
swallow your mother's ring.
- Sapphire ring.
- Well, don't worry, kiddo.
- It's not gonna hurt.
- Him? What about me?
3 carats
surrounded by diamonds.
Now, we can get the ring,
and it won't hurt.
- When?
- I have a function night.
So Rocco,
what happened?
Were you playing
with the ring?
And were afraid your mother
would catch you...
- Exactly.
- Is your name Rocco?
Now, listen,
your throat is fine,
your insides are fine.
You know what's gonna happen?
It'll just come out
the other end.
In the front door...
Out the back door.
When exactly?
Call roto-rooter, okay?
Maybe they
can hurry it along.
- Well, it's just that I have this...
- Function. I know.
Well, your function will have
to wait for his function.
Mrs. Fogal, dear, why don't you
just wait outside for a minute?
I just want to have
a little guy talk with Rocco.
Bye...
Your mother is not
getting a lollipop today.
So listen to me.
Now, from now on,
you only swallow food, right?
Okay.
You still scared?
Now, listen,
this is my home number.
You can call me
if you need to talk.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Good guy.
- Come here.
That phone number...
Do not give it to your mother!
- It's just for us.
- Time's up in here.
Haven't I told you
to knock first?
Yeah. You got
25 phone calls to return.
The waiting room's so backed up
we're out of toys.
Plus, the play-doh's
gone hard.
I'm not working through my lunch
again, so you get a move on,
or you'll be doing this
without a nurse.
You do know monkeys
could be nurses.
Yeah, if most of them
weren't doctors.
Laverne, what do you wear
to the opera?
How the hell would I know?
I'm from Arkansas.
Hi.
- Got a minute?
- 30 seconds.
- I wish I could fire you.
- I wish I could quit!
What do you wear
to the opera?
I don't go.
Do we have a date tonight?
A ba... a date?
- Well, yes.
- Runny nose, sore throat, slight fever.
Well, keep him away from me.
I don't want to catch it.
Eva, are you ki... are you crazy?
Date? I don't date.
My wife just died.
Harry, we have been having
dinner together
every Friday night
for the past year.
If that's not dating,
what is it?
Eating.
- Eating.
- Right.
- We've just been eating.
- And talking.
- I see.
- A little walking.
- Right.
- Sounds like dating.
My god,
I feel awful.
My wife just died,
and I'm dating.
Libby died
18 months ago, Harry.
Look, all I want to know is...
Are we eating together tonight?
Of course.
Great.
See you at 7:30?
Okay.
You believe that?
She thinks we've been dating.
In my town,
we didn't have dating.
You washed your hair
every Saturday night,
and then when you were 14,
you married your cousin.
Well!
This is nice.
Your refrigerator
is a disgrace, daddy.
Everything in here has
a cartoon on the label.
There is not one piece of fruit,
nothing fresh.
More importantly,
what do you wear to the opera?
How would I know?
My ex-husband's idea of a
night out was not with me.
You want to come
to my house tonight?
- I'm making pasta.
- Sorry, dear, I can't.
- I have a date.
- What?
You know Eva Barrett,
the virologist.
You've been dating?
Well, I thought
I'd been eating.
Who knew I was dating?
But mom just died.
Carol, it's been 18 months.
Eva Barrett
is an awful woman.
She was coming on to you
at the funeral.
You used to like
Eva Barrett.
Until the funeral.
I saw what she did.
She kissed you!
Marty Spinetti
kissed me too.
So far, we're not dating.
You're dating.
Come on,
don't keep calling it dating.
We are friends. Carol, listen...
Hey, listen to me.
Aside from you and your sisters,
she is the only living, caring
being in my life right now
who doesn't drink
from a toilet.
- Well...
- Yeah.
As long
as you're not dating.
I mean,
as long as you're friends.
- That's what it is.
- Come on.
So speaking of dating,
which I am not doing,
- how about you?
- Dating?
I love it.
I get to do an impersonation
of a perfect person.
I get to act much nicer
than I really am...
Be fascinated at how
their therapy is going
now that they're finally
able to cry.
And throw my head back...
In laughter at their wit...
As I eat
my blackened redfish.
Hey, neighbor.
- Darn, it's you.
- I'm out of here.
Hey, don't take it
personally, Carol.
It's just I don't like
the food you bring.
Your sister brings
much better food.
You bring all this weird
health stuff.
Look at this.
Everything in here is green.
It's good for you.
I don't eat anything green,
except gum.
You eat anything
that's free.
You know, you got
a personality problem, Carol.
- Maybe that's why...
- Maybe that's why, what?
I don't want to hurt you.
You can't hurt me.
Ho-ho, please!
If I said to you maybe
that's why your husband left you
for that adorable blond, um...
What's her name?
Rita.
Ho-ho-ho-ho, yeah!
Rita.
God, I never saw
a body like that in my life!
I wanted to pray to her.
But I don't want
to say that to you,
and, well, I never would,
'cause I'm a decent guy.
Bye-bye, daddy.
- You have fun tonight.
- Thanks.
When do you sail next,
Charley?
- Tuesday.
- Sink.
- That was great.
- Eva, that was just great.
So, Harry,
you haven't told me.
How do you feel
about dating?
Well, it's the same as eating,
actually, except you can't write it off.
Come on, Harry,
you gotta admit it.
We have a really terrific
relationship here.
We do, we do.
We really do.
Hoo!
Boy, what a clear night.
I think I can see Cuba!
We've known each other
for 16 years.
- We're both widowed.
- Have you ever been to Cuba?
I would love to go to Cuba.
I haven't had a decent cigar
since the missile crisis.
Harry, we're not 25.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
- Why don't we get married?
- Ho-ho-ho...
Yes. Married.
Yes.
This is our first date.
This is the first time
I ever brought you flowers.
I mean, they're not even serious
flowers like long-stem roses.
There just happened to be a kid
at the off ramp, you know?
Harry, we've been seeing
each other for over a year,
and you didn't even know
we were dating.
I want an answer soon.
Well, what's soon?
Soon is by Monday.
That's soon, all right.
Because, Harry, if the answer is
no... I have to get on with my life.
Are you serious?
You mean if I say no,
you won't see me anymore?
I'm crazy about you.
But I got to get on with it.
- Come...
- Eva, now, this is... This is nuts!
I mean, marriage.
It's so fast.
One date, a few carnations,
blue ones... You know.
We haven't had sex.
I mean, we haven't even kissed.
Hey, you.
Where have you been?
I've been calling you
for two days.
I was getting very worried.
My god,
two whole days?
Daddy, I was on a stakeout.
I love hearing that...
"my daughter's on a stakeout."
I cannot tell you what a nice
effect that has on my heart.
Relax.
It's a piece of cake.
Barbara, please,
you're dealing with bad guys,
crazed men who don't care
what happens to you
as long as they get
what they want.
Those are the guys
I date, daddy.
Why are you a cop?
Because I like running
in and out of buildings.
You ask me that
every time you see me.
Because I think someday soon I might
get an answer that makes some sense.
You used to want to be
a ballerina.
I bought you toe shoes!
I outgrew them.
I like what I do, daddy.
It's important work,
and I'm very good at it.
Doughnuts for a change.
Why don't you just take out
your gun and shoot him?
Makes too much noise.
Come on, you can have one.
A doughnut once in a while
will not kill you.
- I'm a doctor.
- I can't.
I just found out my talking
scale has been lying to me.
You have a talking scale?
It's great company.
I get on it.
It says, "your weight
is 115 pounds.
Have a good day."
I mean, what man in my life
is that nice to me?
So I've been having very good
days thinking I weigh 115 pounds.
But I don't.
I never did.
And it probably knew it
the whole time.
So how'd you find out?
Did it snicker
when you got off?
I got on a silent scale.
The thing is, you can't trust
anything that talks.
First your husband,
now your scale.
Listen, girls,
I have an announcement to make.
- At least I had a husband.
- Girls, listen... it was just a joke, Carol.
Well, I'm sick
of your jokes, Barbara.
Come on,
play nice girls.
Especially the one when I was nine
and you told me I was adopted.
I was proposed, to
last night.
- I was four.
- How could you believe me?
- You crossed your heart.
- I didn't cross my heart!
You were what?
Proposed to,
you know, like in marriage.
- Daddy... That's great.
- Are you out of your mind?
- Who is it?
- Eva Barrett.
Eva's wonderful.
That's great.
Everything's
always great with her.
It's sick.
The whole time we were
growing up, she was that way.
What way?
Perky, happy.
It's disgusting.
I mean, where is a little despair,
a little depression, for god's sake?
Read some Dostoevsky.
Please!
Please, if she is happy,
leave her alone.
I'm just trying to inject a little
reality into her life, daddy.
Don't talk to me
about reality.
I'm a cop.
I deal with the scum
of the earth.
I see the most tragic, filthy,
disgusting things in the world.
See that?
I got to go.
I've been up all night,
and I have a date.
- How can you have a date?
- You haven't been to bed yet.
I'm combining the two.
I hate...
You're upset.
No, I'm not upset.
- Why are you upset?
- I am not upset.
Fine. Good. No.
You're not upset.
You were never here, and you're
not going to be here now.
What do you mean
I was never here?
- You weren't.
- There were always sick kids.
My entire life
I competed with sick kids.
On my birthday,
there were sick kids.
On parents' day,
there were sick kids.
On the Halloween I was a banana,
you promised you'd be there.
You said, "no sick kids are gonna
keep me away from my little banana."
Remember?
Not those exact words.
I was a great banana.
And I waited...
And waited... And waited.
And you didn't come.
And you didn't see me.
I was the best banana, daddy.
I had a united fruit label
on the side of my head.
Carol, it's not like I was out
shooting pool and getting drunk.
And mom was my best friend practically...
Someone I could really talk to.
And then she dies, and my husband
leaves me for a slut named Rita.
Well, you name a kid Rita, you got a
damn good chance of getting a slut.
And now you're thinking
about getting married.
And there's no one.
There's just no one anymore.
Everyone's gone... My husband...
My mother... You.
God, I miss mom
so much.
I want her back so bad.
The wrong parent died.
God, I wish I were dead
and your mother were alive.
No, no, no.
Yes, yes, yes.
No, no.
Yes.
That's not what I meant.
I just... I just meant...
I don't know.
I know, I know, I know.
Look... Just give me another chance, okay?
Let me try to do better,
'cause I really want to.
Okay.
Because I love you
very much.
I love you too, daddy.
Is there anything I can catch
in here, any really bad stuff?
Hi.
How do you work in here?
You could kill the planet with what
you got going on in this place.
- What is this?
- A new virus.
Pffft!
I could never work in here.
I hate germs!
- So, Harry?
- It's a miracle I'm a doctor
with the way I feel
about germs.
I guess the answer
is no.
- What answer?
- Harry...
No, the answer.
I know... the answer.
I feel like... I know how this is
gonna sound... Crazy, probably, but...
I feel like I'd be...
Unfaithful to Libby.
Harry, it's been a while.
It's not a function
of time, Eva.
It's the reflection
of a relationship.
When Burt rollins' wife died, he was
looking for a date that night.
Three weeks later,
he had a playboy bunny
and a prostate the size
of the hindenburg.
Libby was my world, Eva.
And 18 months
is like 18 days.
I don't know how long I'm gonna
feel like this, but right now...
She's still alive for me, and... I'm
not ready to be with anyone else.
I understand.
But I don't want to lose you
as a friend.
You'll miss the meals?
- No.
- I'll miss you.
You're not such
a great cook.
Harry, as long as I keep seeing you,
no one else will ever measure up,
and I will wind up alone.
So... That's it?
Yes.
Yes.
Eva, listen,
I...
I left my tennis racket
in the trunk of your car.
Keep it.
It's... it's a big one.
It's like hitting the ball
with a trampoline.
I am sorry.
I'm gonna miss you a whole lot.
Well...
I guess I'll see you around.
Good-bye, Harry.
Dreyfuss, come on.
Answer the phone.
You live here too.
Hello.
Hi, Emily, baby!
I'm doing just great.
I got the opera-wearing
information.
You ready?
Poof dresses...
The latest thing.
I don't know how you sit in them,
but that's what they're all wearing.
The style came from France.
I'm sure they don't wear them.
They just invented them
to torture Americans.
Okay.
All right, you're welcome.
I love you too.
Bye.
Dreyfuss...
My big Dreyfuss. Dreyfuss.
How are you, Dreyfuss?
How are you?
Hi, baby.
You're amazing.
You know that?
You're glad to see me
every minute of my life.
I come home, you jump around
and wag your tail.
I go in the closet, I come out,
you jump around and wag your tail.
I turn my face away, I turn
it back, you wag your tail.
Either you love me very much
or your short-term memory is shot.
Give me a kiss!
I love you, Dreyfuss.
I love you!
Come on.
I'll sit with you
while you eat.
Yeah.