Ellie & Natasia (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Girlies, our
entertainment's arrived!
Oh, my God! Turn
the music off.
Everyone shush!
Firstly, happy
birthday, Crystal!
Best stripper in the game.
Shut up, shut up!
Sit your arse down.
Oh, my God, what is it?
You are going to love
this babe, I promise.
What have you done?! Oh, my God!
We've hired you a man
with a normal job!
WOMEN SHRIEK
Oh, my God!
Hello, there. Um,
I'm Alan Norris,
and I work in the
processing department of
an accountancy firm in Bedford.
THEY SCREAM
Oh, my God! I have the minutes
from Monday's HR meeting
if anyone wants to see that.
Oh, my God, oh, my
God, oh, my God.
I can't believe it!
Oh, my God, it's, like,
numbers and stuff!
Alan, tell us how long
and big your commute is.
THEY LAUGH EXCITEDLY
It could be anywhere
between an hour and a half
and two hours. It really
depends on traffic.
WOMEN SCREAM Oh, it
depends on traffic!
He's getting his lunch
out. What is it?!
Tuna mayonnaise today.
Louder! Tuna mayonnaise.
THEY SCREAM
He's doing the tube ride!
Do it! Do it!
Oh, look at him! Oh, my God, he's
moving his body like it's the tube.
Yeah, that's insane,
that's really amazing.
Yeah, no, get it! Get
it! Come on, get it!
Can you do this by
bank transfer, please?
This is a nightmare
for my tax return.
CHANTING: Take them off!
Take them off! Take them off!
These are actually much more
comfortable for commuting.
CHANTING: Go home to your
family! Go home to your family!
I can't.
I'm actually divorced and...
..she got custody and
it's... It's tough, you know?
I love my kids.
I miss them.
HE SOBS
Best one yet!
THEY CHEER
Hello to all you grubby,
hungry slappers out there.
We have some really
exciting news over here in
the Pasta Pomodoro HQ. Bang!
Our new recipe books have just -
a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fucker - landed!
Oh! And they couldn't
be more naughty.
Yeah. Naughty, naughty.
And here she is, our little
hardbacked papier bitch.
She's a frigid little mistress,
but if you touch her
nicely she will open up
and show you everything
she has to offer.
Yeah. Bit like our mum. Oh!
No, no. I love you, Mumsie,
but you are a bike, admit it.
You're a bike. BOTH: Bike,
bike, bike, bike, bike!
Pas Pom has always had a
special place in our hearts,
because our nanny used
to cook it for us, and...
Oh, no... this is a funny
little story, actually.
I can't believe you're
going to go there. OK.
We would begin each
dinner by, um, eating it,
and by the end we
would have always
just completely
finished it. HE LAUGHS
Yes! Do you know what I mean?
Yes! Oh, good times. Do
you know what I mean?
Good times. It was
a good story, that.
We also both had a huge
crush on our nanny,
so that might have helped
the medicine go down, me
thinks - hey, Barnbot?
Yeah. We were a real handful,
but finally when we turned 18,
we ended up getting
exactly what we wanted
and we had a massive threesome
with her, which was great fun.
Yeah. Speaking of the ladies,
me and Barn know we would be
nowhere in this world without
the women in our lives,
so we have decided to
dedicate an entire chapter of
the book to photos of
the best-looking girls
in our friendship group,
holding bowls of
pom. Get in there.
The things I would do
to these women, you
do not want to know!
So, what other juice is there
in this damn fine booky?
Well, we should probably point out
that we did sadly forget to feature
the recipe for Pasta Pomodoro
in the book... Whoops.
..and that was a huge
oversight on our part. But...
We put in a few photos of us on
holiday in the South of France.
Oh, God, I love the
South of France.
Do you remember that
night? Night to remember.
Yeah, yeah. I got with
a rough dog of a lass.
Oh, God, she was
rotten! She was barking,
but she did have two lovely
tig ol' bitties. Ooh, gosh.
Tiggly dos. Ooh.
Couple of tigs. Long old ducks.
Like a pair of cream trousers
hanging from her chest,
a little pink sock at
the end of each one.
A little treat for
me on me holibobs.
So, yeah, please
order your copy now,
and with the first 50 orders
we will be sending you
a Pom Brothers tote with a
free splat of our v own Pomo,
cooked right here
in our kitchwang.
Hey, lads, look at this.
Suck on that Pom
like it's red milk
from mummy's cowy
cotton udder. Hmm.
Oh, Hugsy, you absolute nutter.
Let me have a glob of that.
Let me have a glop. Yeah,
you've got get a try of that.
Pour it in. Oh, that's good. Mummy's
here to give him what he needs.
See you next time, you
saucy tomato sluts.
My turn, my turn! No,
no, no, no, no, no!
Mummy, for me!
You just never see those flying
ants any more, do you? What?
Yeah, no, it's true, actually,
you don't. It's true.
I feel like I see them quite a
lot, don't you, flying around?
Another beer? Yeah.
Oh, yes, please.
Anyone got a bottle opener?
Did somebody say bottle
opener? No, it's all right,
you don't need one.
I'll do it, here you go.
I think there's one
on the table actually.
No, no, chill out, I've got
this, I do it all the time.
Oh, I hate it when
people do that. Ooh.
MUFFLED: Oh, it's
a tough cap. Oh...
Ooh! Oh... Are you all right?
LISPING: Mm, here
you go. Who's next?
Oh, my God. Sally,
you're bleeding.
No, this is normal, it's
supposed to be like this.
Well, it looks really bad.
No. No way, it's nothing.
I think I'll use
the bottle opener.
What are you talking
about? Just give it to me.
Barney!
This guy! Ha!
Aha! Uh...
GROANING: Oh, God!
Ooh... Ooh...
Oh! Oh, my God. Way-oh!
MUFFLED: Your beer, my liege.
Oh, no. What is that
behind your back?
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
It doesn't look like nothing,
it looks distinctly like
an unopened bottle of beer,
my dear Watson. SHE CHUCKLES
Sally, look, you're doing some
serious damage to yourself.
Ooh. You're doing some serious
damage to our friendship.
Now give me the
damn bottle, girl.
I don't want to. Give me it!
Jesus! Yes.
I love beer!
Oh...
WISTFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
I feel like I haven't seen
a spider for ages. What?
Really? Nah, I see
them all the time mate.
Another beer? Yes, thanks.
Thank you. Oh, anyone
got a bottle opener?
No need.
Oh... Oh. Huh.
So, what, is that,
sewn into your mouth?
Yeah. Wow.
I went to Turkey. Oh.
You look nice, Ellie. Oh, thank
you. You look nice too, Tash.
Oh, thanks.
Do you think anyone else
here thinks we look nice?
We can but ask, I suppose.
Yeah, OK. What
about these guys?
Um, does anyone here
think we look nice?
OBJECT CLANKS QUIETLY
Did you hear something?
I'll take it.
I don't know, baby,
it's like I love you
and you're my wife,
but I want to fight with
you every single day,
because I'm so busy with
the life of stress
and the business call.
Hello, business opportunity?
Oh, my God.
What can I do? My
marriage is over.
I have to find a place where
I can kiss with my husband,
relax with my husband, take
warm Jacuzzi with my husband.
Don't worry, everyone,
we know that having a very
busy family work life marriage
is very bad.
That's why here
at Internet Nails,
as well as usual nail
treatment, washing treatment,
we are now offering one
full week of romance
at our new couples
spa official bathroom.
With every treatment you can
get cheeseboard for lovers
and cold drink for lovers.
Thank you. Ochy, no!
Hey!
Ugh, an X Zero.
Really?!
Life is high quality stress.
That's why we want to
offer our red lovers
the best exotic treatments.
SOOTHING PAN PIPE MUSIC
Hello, darling, how are you?
It's very hard to be a
wife in the millennium.
It's OK, I understand.
Yes.
How about after a long day,
come and relax and tell
your secrets to your wife,
girlfriend, in the pleasure
of our spa location.
We have saun, steam,
plunge, soap and brush.
WATER TRICKLES WEAKLY
Hmm.
Unforgettable.
We can also do couples therapy
to help bring your marriage
back from the grave.
Why you shout at her? Why?
I don't want to say!
I have the facility to fix
car parts, the details are...
So why not lay with your lovers,
with music from our phones?
PHONE PLAYS THINKING
OUT LOUD BY ED SHEERAN
All right. Oh...
Talk with your lover
in the comfort of our all-time
sleep lounge with low mattress.
Hey, girl,
what's your favourite
Disney princess now?
Mickey Mouse. OK.
♪ Baby, we found love
right where we are... ♪
SHE GIGGLES
OK, leave you two for
some... special time.
Nice.
Wait!
Get out of it! Shove off!
Hey, babe.
My grandma is so excited
to meet you tonight.
Oh.
You have to play poker
with the boys again?
No, it's cool, no.
No, it's just she
doesn't have long left.
No, you're right, OK.
Well, I love you.
Hello?
Hello?!
♪ You always cancel
♪ You always let me down
♪ Whenever I need you
♪ You're always out of town
♪ It's been six long years and
your behaviour just gets worse
♪ Why don't I leave you?
♪ Cos this is my... SHE SIGHS
WHISPERED: curse
♪ I've got such a thing
♪ For those who treat me bad
♪ Those who treat me bad
♪ It's kind of a cute
quirk that I've always had
♪ A cute quirk that
I've always had
♪ I message you
back, I pay your rent
♪ I've lent you my apartment
♪ And now I'm sleeping in a tent
BOTH: ♪ Cos you're
a thousand snakes
♪ I've never loved you more
♪ The more you shut me out
♪ The more I knock at your door
♪ It's kind of crazy
♪ I like the bad guys
♪ The lows are painful
♪ But, man, those annual highs
♪ I want to hold you
♪ But you always slip away
♪ Always slip away
♪ You bite the
hand that feeds you
♪ But that's the price I pay
♪ That's the price I pay
♪ Your breath stinks of crickets
and you don't know how to kiss
♪ If the world ended tomorrow
♪ You're the one I'd miss
♪ You're the one I'd miss
♪ Cos you're a thousand snakes
♪ I've never loved you more
♪ The way you slither around me
♪ Makes my heart soar
♪ It's kind of crazy
♪ How much I love those bad guys
♪ The bites are painful
♪ But, man, those reptilian eyes
♪ You kissed my cousin
and flirted with my mum
♪ You bit my hand and
filled it with poison
♪ OK, your words are
poison to myself esteem
♪ Your scaly skin
is my wet dream... ♪
Right, absolutely
not. Can we...?
Guys, sorry, just...
Can I just be clear?
I'm using a thousand snakes
as a sort of metaphor
to sing about snaky boys,
fuckboys that I just sort
of can't get enough of.
Mm, yes. And when I'm
talking about snakes,
I am talking about the species
of reptile that is a snake.
I love them. Right.
And nothing I can do about it.
So... So what do I do with that?
Keep singing.
♪ You pissed outside my house
♪ I fed you a live mouse
♪ You tell me I look fat
♪ You tried to eat my cat
♪ I'm starting to think
you're causing me deep harm
♪ My favourite
thing about snakes
♪ Is that their bodies
are just a long arm
♪ Just a long arm
♪ Just a long arm
♪ Just a long arm. ♪
---
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Girlies, our
entertainment's arrived!
Oh, my God! Turn
the music off.
Everyone shush!
Firstly, happy
birthday, Crystal!
Best stripper in the game.
Shut up, shut up!
Sit your arse down.
Oh, my God, what is it?
You are going to love
this babe, I promise.
What have you done?! Oh, my God!
We've hired you a man
with a normal job!
WOMEN SHRIEK
Oh, my God!
Hello, there. Um,
I'm Alan Norris,
and I work in the
processing department of
an accountancy firm in Bedford.
THEY SCREAM
Oh, my God! I have the minutes
from Monday's HR meeting
if anyone wants to see that.
Oh, my God, oh, my
God, oh, my God.
I can't believe it!
Oh, my God, it's, like,
numbers and stuff!
Alan, tell us how long
and big your commute is.
THEY LAUGH EXCITEDLY
It could be anywhere
between an hour and a half
and two hours. It really
depends on traffic.
WOMEN SCREAM Oh, it
depends on traffic!
He's getting his lunch
out. What is it?!
Tuna mayonnaise today.
Louder! Tuna mayonnaise.
THEY SCREAM
He's doing the tube ride!
Do it! Do it!
Oh, look at him! Oh, my God, he's
moving his body like it's the tube.
Yeah, that's insane,
that's really amazing.
Yeah, no, get it! Get
it! Come on, get it!
Can you do this by
bank transfer, please?
This is a nightmare
for my tax return.
CHANTING: Take them off!
Take them off! Take them off!
These are actually much more
comfortable for commuting.
CHANTING: Go home to your
family! Go home to your family!
I can't.
I'm actually divorced and...
..she got custody and
it's... It's tough, you know?
I love my kids.
I miss them.
HE SOBS
Best one yet!
THEY CHEER
Hello to all you grubby,
hungry slappers out there.
We have some really
exciting news over here in
the Pasta Pomodoro HQ. Bang!
Our new recipe books have just -
a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fucker - landed!
Oh! And they couldn't
be more naughty.
Yeah. Naughty, naughty.
And here she is, our little
hardbacked papier bitch.
She's a frigid little mistress,
but if you touch her
nicely she will open up
and show you everything
she has to offer.
Yeah. Bit like our mum. Oh!
No, no. I love you, Mumsie,
but you are a bike, admit it.
You're a bike. BOTH: Bike,
bike, bike, bike, bike!
Pas Pom has always had a
special place in our hearts,
because our nanny used
to cook it for us, and...
Oh, no... this is a funny
little story, actually.
I can't believe you're
going to go there. OK.
We would begin each
dinner by, um, eating it,
and by the end we
would have always
just completely
finished it. HE LAUGHS
Yes! Do you know what I mean?
Yes! Oh, good times. Do
you know what I mean?
Good times. It was
a good story, that.
We also both had a huge
crush on our nanny,
so that might have helped
the medicine go down, me
thinks - hey, Barnbot?
Yeah. We were a real handful,
but finally when we turned 18,
we ended up getting
exactly what we wanted
and we had a massive threesome
with her, which was great fun.
Yeah. Speaking of the ladies,
me and Barn know we would be
nowhere in this world without
the women in our lives,
so we have decided to
dedicate an entire chapter of
the book to photos of
the best-looking girls
in our friendship group,
holding bowls of
pom. Get in there.
The things I would do
to these women, you
do not want to know!
So, what other juice is there
in this damn fine booky?
Well, we should probably point out
that we did sadly forget to feature
the recipe for Pasta Pomodoro
in the book... Whoops.
..and that was a huge
oversight on our part. But...
We put in a few photos of us on
holiday in the South of France.
Oh, God, I love the
South of France.
Do you remember that
night? Night to remember.
Yeah, yeah. I got with
a rough dog of a lass.
Oh, God, she was
rotten! She was barking,
but she did have two lovely
tig ol' bitties. Ooh, gosh.
Tiggly dos. Ooh.
Couple of tigs. Long old ducks.
Like a pair of cream trousers
hanging from her chest,
a little pink sock at
the end of each one.
A little treat for
me on me holibobs.
So, yeah, please
order your copy now,
and with the first 50 orders
we will be sending you
a Pom Brothers tote with a
free splat of our v own Pomo,
cooked right here
in our kitchwang.
Hey, lads, look at this.
Suck on that Pom
like it's red milk
from mummy's cowy
cotton udder. Hmm.
Oh, Hugsy, you absolute nutter.
Let me have a glob of that.
Let me have a glop. Yeah,
you've got get a try of that.
Pour it in. Oh, that's good. Mummy's
here to give him what he needs.
See you next time, you
saucy tomato sluts.
My turn, my turn! No,
no, no, no, no, no!
Mummy, for me!
You just never see those flying
ants any more, do you? What?
Yeah, no, it's true, actually,
you don't. It's true.
I feel like I see them quite a
lot, don't you, flying around?
Another beer? Yeah.
Oh, yes, please.
Anyone got a bottle opener?
Did somebody say bottle
opener? No, it's all right,
you don't need one.
I'll do it, here you go.
I think there's one
on the table actually.
No, no, chill out, I've got
this, I do it all the time.
Oh, I hate it when
people do that. Ooh.
MUFFLED: Oh, it's
a tough cap. Oh...
Ooh! Oh... Are you all right?
LISPING: Mm, here
you go. Who's next?
Oh, my God. Sally,
you're bleeding.
No, this is normal, it's
supposed to be like this.
Well, it looks really bad.
No. No way, it's nothing.
I think I'll use
the bottle opener.
What are you talking
about? Just give it to me.
Barney!
This guy! Ha!
Aha! Uh...
GROANING: Oh, God!
Ooh... Ooh...
Oh! Oh, my God. Way-oh!
MUFFLED: Your beer, my liege.
Oh, no. What is that
behind your back?
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
It doesn't look like nothing,
it looks distinctly like
an unopened bottle of beer,
my dear Watson. SHE CHUCKLES
Sally, look, you're doing some
serious damage to yourself.
Ooh. You're doing some serious
damage to our friendship.
Now give me the
damn bottle, girl.
I don't want to. Give me it!
Jesus! Yes.
I love beer!
Oh...
WISTFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
I feel like I haven't seen
a spider for ages. What?
Really? Nah, I see
them all the time mate.
Another beer? Yes, thanks.
Thank you. Oh, anyone
got a bottle opener?
No need.
Oh... Oh. Huh.
So, what, is that,
sewn into your mouth?
Yeah. Wow.
I went to Turkey. Oh.
You look nice, Ellie. Oh, thank
you. You look nice too, Tash.
Oh, thanks.
Do you think anyone else
here thinks we look nice?
We can but ask, I suppose.
Yeah, OK. What
about these guys?
Um, does anyone here
think we look nice?
OBJECT CLANKS QUIETLY
Did you hear something?
I'll take it.
I don't know, baby,
it's like I love you
and you're my wife,
but I want to fight with
you every single day,
because I'm so busy with
the life of stress
and the business call.
Hello, business opportunity?
Oh, my God.
What can I do? My
marriage is over.
I have to find a place where
I can kiss with my husband,
relax with my husband, take
warm Jacuzzi with my husband.
Don't worry, everyone,
we know that having a very
busy family work life marriage
is very bad.
That's why here
at Internet Nails,
as well as usual nail
treatment, washing treatment,
we are now offering one
full week of romance
at our new couples
spa official bathroom.
With every treatment you can
get cheeseboard for lovers
and cold drink for lovers.
Thank you. Ochy, no!
Hey!
Ugh, an X Zero.
Really?!
Life is high quality stress.
That's why we want to
offer our red lovers
the best exotic treatments.
SOOTHING PAN PIPE MUSIC
Hello, darling, how are you?
It's very hard to be a
wife in the millennium.
It's OK, I understand.
Yes.
How about after a long day,
come and relax and tell
your secrets to your wife,
girlfriend, in the pleasure
of our spa location.
We have saun, steam,
plunge, soap and brush.
WATER TRICKLES WEAKLY
Hmm.
Unforgettable.
We can also do couples therapy
to help bring your marriage
back from the grave.
Why you shout at her? Why?
I don't want to say!
I have the facility to fix
car parts, the details are...
So why not lay with your lovers,
with music from our phones?
PHONE PLAYS THINKING
OUT LOUD BY ED SHEERAN
All right. Oh...
Talk with your lover
in the comfort of our all-time
sleep lounge with low mattress.
Hey, girl,
what's your favourite
Disney princess now?
Mickey Mouse. OK.
♪ Baby, we found love
right where we are... ♪
SHE GIGGLES
OK, leave you two for
some... special time.
Nice.
Wait!
Get out of it! Shove off!
Hey, babe.
My grandma is so excited
to meet you tonight.
Oh.
You have to play poker
with the boys again?
No, it's cool, no.
No, it's just she
doesn't have long left.
No, you're right, OK.
Well, I love you.
Hello?
Hello?!
♪ You always cancel
♪ You always let me down
♪ Whenever I need you
♪ You're always out of town
♪ It's been six long years and
your behaviour just gets worse
♪ Why don't I leave you?
♪ Cos this is my... SHE SIGHS
WHISPERED: curse
♪ I've got such a thing
♪ For those who treat me bad
♪ Those who treat me bad
♪ It's kind of a cute
quirk that I've always had
♪ A cute quirk that
I've always had
♪ I message you
back, I pay your rent
♪ I've lent you my apartment
♪ And now I'm sleeping in a tent
BOTH: ♪ Cos you're
a thousand snakes
♪ I've never loved you more
♪ The more you shut me out
♪ The more I knock at your door
♪ It's kind of crazy
♪ I like the bad guys
♪ The lows are painful
♪ But, man, those annual highs
♪ I want to hold you
♪ But you always slip away
♪ Always slip away
♪ You bite the
hand that feeds you
♪ But that's the price I pay
♪ That's the price I pay
♪ Your breath stinks of crickets
and you don't know how to kiss
♪ If the world ended tomorrow
♪ You're the one I'd miss
♪ You're the one I'd miss
♪ Cos you're a thousand snakes
♪ I've never loved you more
♪ The way you slither around me
♪ Makes my heart soar
♪ It's kind of crazy
♪ How much I love those bad guys
♪ The bites are painful
♪ But, man, those reptilian eyes
♪ You kissed my cousin
and flirted with my mum
♪ You bit my hand and
filled it with poison
♪ OK, your words are
poison to myself esteem
♪ Your scaly skin
is my wet dream... ♪
Right, absolutely
not. Can we...?
Guys, sorry, just...
Can I just be clear?
I'm using a thousand snakes
as a sort of metaphor
to sing about snaky boys,
fuckboys that I just sort
of can't get enough of.
Mm, yes. And when I'm
talking about snakes,
I am talking about the species
of reptile that is a snake.
I love them. Right.
And nothing I can do about it.
So... So what do I do with that?
Keep singing.
♪ You pissed outside my house
♪ I fed you a live mouse
♪ You tell me I look fat
♪ You tried to eat my cat
♪ I'm starting to think
you're causing me deep harm
♪ My favourite
thing about snakes
♪ Is that their bodies
are just a long arm
♪ Just a long arm
♪ Just a long arm
♪ Just a long arm. ♪