Eerie, Indiana (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 18 - Reality Takes a Holiday - full transcript

My name is
Marshall Teller.

I knew my new hometown was
going to be different from
where I grew up in New Jersey,

but this is ridiculous.

Nobody believes me,

but Eerie, Indiana is
the center of weirdness
for the entire planet.

[CAWING]

Item, Elvis lives
on my paper route.

Thank you,
little paperboy.

Item, Bigfoot
eats out of my trash.

Item, even man's
best friend is weird.

Still don't believe me?



You will.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL:
Eerie, Indiana.

Day zero.

When you're 13,

going on family outings

is about as cool
as getting caught

still sleeping
with Mr. Blankey.

EDGAR:
Marshall, we're not going to
beg you to go with us, son.

You should want to
spend time with your family.

I can't believe that you'd
pass up an all expense paid
trip to see a scary movie.

No thanks.
No offense.

The Wilson Twins
give it two fingers up.

SIMON: Which fingers?
[CHUCKLES]



"Revenge of the
Corn Critters

"is a good monster
movie sequel.

"It's got all the
gore of the original,

"plus some romance

"but never gets so mushy
to gunk it all up.

"You won't be sorry."

Since when did you
become such a cinephile?

You better watch your mouth.

EDGAR: Marshall,

you never seem to want to
go out with us anymore.

Do we embarrass you?

SYNDI: We embarrass him?
MARSHALL: No.

Not exactly.
It's just that...

Simon and I have some stuff we
need to investigate, right?

Gee, Mars,

I'd kinda like to see
Revenge of the Corn Critters.

I loved the original.

Especially the part

where he's taking
that guy's head

and he's...
MARSHALL: Fine.

Great. No problem.

Enjoy the movie, Simon.

You sure?

Sure I'm sure. Go.

Mars,

can't you take one day off
from your paranormal quest?

We're a little concerned
that maybe you're losing
sight of what's real.

What's important.

Dad, I know what's
real and what's not.

Sometime I think I'm
the only one around
here who really does.

Last chance, Marshall.

You're gonna miss a
great movie. Two fingers up.

It starts in
ten minutes.

I'm not going to
change my mind, Dad.

I just don't want
to go, that's all.

MARILYN: Bye sweetheart.
EDGAR: Bye bye, Marshall.

[EXCITED CHATTER]

[CAWING]

Eerie, Indiana.

Reality Takes a Holiday.
Final draft.

"Page 1, Teller house
kitchen day."

"Marshall, Edgar, Marilyn,
Syndi, Simon are
having Saturday brunch.

"Marshall, we're not going to
beg you to go with us, son.

"You should want to spend
time with your family.

"I can't believe that you'd
pass up an all expense paid
trip to see a scary movie.

"Marshall: No thanks.
No offense."

Wait a minute,
what's going on here?
You guys just left.

Last chance, Marshall.

You're gonna miss a
great movie. Two fingers up.

"Edgar:

"Last chance, Marshall.

"You're gonna miss a
great movie. Two fingers up."

[SCREAMING] I just said that!

DIRECTOR:
Oh, cut.

Cut, cut, cut.

Don't print that one.

Everybody back to the
top for take...

13.

A.D.:
All right, folks.
Back to the top.

This will be the
lucky one, right pal?

MARSHALL:
I don't have a
dog named Toto,

but if I did,

right about now,
I'd be telling him,

"Toto, I don't think
we're in Indiana anymore."

Things had gone from
the ridiculous to
mega voodoo prime-time.

After finding that TV show
script in my mailbox,

all Eerie broke
loose, but good.

Omri?

Earth to Omri.
Huh?

Are you all right?

Okay, I understand,
maybe you're tired.

But this is television.

You can't get tired,
it costs too much.

We're on a really tight
schedule here and
we're way, way behind.

You gotta help me out here.

I mean, can't you just be
a little more professional.

Professional?
Professional.

What're you
talking about?
Who are you?

What's going on?
What happened to my house?

Okay, lunch.

A.D.:
That's lunch, folks.
Forty two minutes.

We'll pick this up
right at the same place.

Omri,

let's not make this
any more difficult
than it already is.

Mr. Sensitive.

[GASPS]

Hey, get your
hands off my coat.

That's mine.

Fine, Omri.

But if you lose it at lunch,

it's your butt,

not mine.

Nobody respects
the prop-man.

[MARSHALL'S FAMILY CHATTING]

Mom, Dad,
Syndi, Simon,
what's going on?

What's going on?

Well, if you ask me,
you're blowing your
lines intentionally.

She's right Omri. You can't
postpone the inevitable.

What's that supposed
to mean and who's Omri?

Give it a rest,
will you, kid?

Nobody likes a sore loser.

Really Omri, these lines
aren't hard to memorize.

It isn't as if we're
doing Chekhov here.

What's Star Trek
have to do with this.

What lines and
who's Omri?

Method. Happens to the
best of them eventually.

I recall when I was directing
Malkovich in the Homecoming...

[FRANCIS IMITATING
JOHN MALKOVICH]

[JULIE SCREAMS]

Justin, hand's off.

It's because I'm
short, isn't it?

I am not going
to take this

from a sexist pig
nine year old.

[JUSTIN CHUCKLING]
[PHONE RINGS]

All men are animals.

Talk to me.

DASH: Lose something, Slick?

Yeah, my life.

No, no, that's
after lunch.

Thank you, girls.
Thanks, Dash.

I'm glad to see you're getting
used to the idea though.

What idea?
What's happening here?
What happened to my house?

Well, after today,

you'll never
need to know.

[DASH LAUGHS]

JUSTIN:
She did what?

Who cares if Krakatoa
is really East of Java?

I don't know.
I'll take care of it.

Can you believe it?

That dumb teacher gave
me a D in history.

Wait till I talk
to my agent.

This time she's history.

Simon, we have major
eerie mega weirdness here.

Where's the Secret Spot,
all the evidence?

What're you
talking about?

The Secret Spot set's
right behind me.

PHONE: Please try
again later.

Simon, we should move the
evidence to a safer place.

It might fall in
the wrong hands.

Stop kidding around?

You're scaring me.

You know what
you need, Omri?

Meditation.

Guru Yogi Shwarma

helped me worked through
that cabaret fiasco.

You're Simon.

Simon Holmes, remember?

And I'm Marshall Teller.

Think Simon, think.

Don't let them
get you too.

Stop it, Omri!

You're just mad because
Dash is gonna...

What?

What're you
talking about, Simon?

Nothing, nothing.

Look, I gotta go.

Give the Guru
a call and

and try to pull
yourself together.

You're just making it
harder on yourself.

What're you
talking about?

Making what harder?

MARSHALL: Simon?

Simon?

Simon?

MARSHALL: Simon!

Simon?

Simon?

MARSHALL: Just when
I thought my brain would
implode into a swirling

vortex of unreality,

I heard a
familiar voice.

RADFORD:
* Every day from dawn to dusk

* We will never
Shuck our duty

* We'll defend
Your Noble Husk *

Well, if it isn't
Marshall Teller.

Come on in. You're my
first customer of the day.

What'd you call me?

I think I called you
Marshall Teller, didn't I?

Yeah, but you're
the only one.

How about a Black
Cow on the house

in honor of you being my
first customer of the day?

Thanks Mr. Radford.

Mr. Radford, something
mondo bizzaro is
going on here.

I don't know what it is
or how it happened but

something's definitely wrong.

Somehow, Eerie's become

become some Hollywood studio.

My family,
my best friend

think they're actors
on a TV show.

My house has exploded.

What exactly are
you saying, Marshall?

I don't know
what I'm saying.

Hmm...

Lemme check these papers.

Usually, we have a
dilemma of some sort,

I just read these pages.

Now I'll tell you
exactly what to do.

That script.

That's what made
everything weird.

Well, you don't say.

[EXCITEDLY]
Aha!

See, there it is.

Look.

It says, "Marshall Teller
sits at the counter

"sipping a black cow."

See, it seems to me
we're exactly doing
what the script says.

What do those pages say is
supposed to happen next?

That's funny.
It doesn't say.

It just stops with me
showing you these pages.

But if you stick around,

maybe they'll send
some more pages later.

Sometimes they
decide to change things.

They?
Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute.

This is a script.

There must be a writer
around here somewhere.

You know, I never
thought of it,

but there's a
logic to that.

Otherwise,

everybody'd make things
up as they go along and

we'd have chaos.

Is there a name
on this script?

We've got to find
this Jose Schaefer guy.

And fast.

Good luck.

I'll save your cow.

Well, just page him?
I really must speak to him!

Hi, Omri.

Wait, no, you
can't go in there.

[CHUCKLING]

Ar you the
Jose Schaefer

that wrote this
Reality Takes a Holiday
script thing?

Listen Omri, actors are not
really allowed up here.

I'm not an actor.

Wow.

Takes a big man
to admit that.

I need you to explain
some things to me.

Well, look, as long
as you're here,

why don't you sit down?
Watch this.

We've been going over a
couple of Dash's ideas
for the big scene.

And very good
ideas, I might add.

So listen to this.

There you re. You're in
your front yard. It's
a beautiful morning.

And don't forget,

you stayed home
for the movie.

That's right.
Very important point.

And all of a sudden,

you see

picking through the trash,

Bigfoot.

Now unknown to
Marshall of course,

his good friend Dash
has been on Bigfoot's
trail all morning long.

Turns out there's a
bounty on the big guy.

Five thousand bucks
dead or alive.

So there you are,
carrying your camera

and you come outside,
hoping to sneak up on Bigfoot.

Meanwhile,
our new star, me,

is sneaking up

on the other side of the house
where I just can't see you.

You see, Marshall comes up

right behind Bigfoot.

Just as I take aim,

and, bang!
Bang,

just as Bigfoot ducks.

Marshall catches the bullet.

Staggers...

Dies.

Do you think I should
blast him a few more
times just to make sure?

Great idea. 'Cause we
want him good and dead.

Good and dead.

I smell Emmy.

[SNIFFS]

DASH: What'd you think, Slick?

What'd you mean
when you say

dead?

I mean offed.
Snuffed.

Kick the bucket.
Pushing up daisies.

Bought the farm.
Did I mention

rigor mortis?
[DEVILISH CHUCKLE]

MARSHALL:
Every kid dreams of being the
star of their own TV show.

Well, take it from me,

it's a living hell.

Eerie had collided with a
parallel reality called NBC.

I was being
written off the show.

Correction,
killed off the show.

Double correction,
killed dead.

MARY-MARGARET:
Why do I have to look like
such a chlump all the time?

When does good old Mom
get to try her
Victoria's Secret catalog?

How can you say
that Mary-Margaret?

We have to stand up for
women everywhere and

demand roles with
meatier scripts and

better characters for women.
Ow.

If I have to say one more
air headed big sister line,

I'm going to vomit
on the producer.

Mom, does Dad
know about that tattoo?

Dad?

Ow.

Francis?
[LAUGHING]

He could care less.

Self mutilation is playing
right into the hands of
the male power...

It's my mid-life crisis.

You know what it's
like in 10 years.

Fifteen.

Look sweetie, I'm sorry
I was harsh before.

It's tough being
killed off a show.

I cried for days

when it happened to me
on Jake and the Fat Man.

Mom, don't you understand,
I'm getting killed here? Ow!

I'm not going to
stand still and

let that weasel Dash
shoot me so that...

[MARY-MARGARET SHUSHES]

Careful, he might hear you.

You're really
not my mom.

You're all a
bunch of pod people.

Where's he going?

Where does any
red blooded teen star

go when they
get canceled?

On a crime spree.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

FRANCIS:
It was such a
phony scene.

I mean, I felt
embarrassed for Dustin

the way people
fawn on him.

They practically genuflect
and kiss his ring.

Sic, transit,
Gloria, Omri.

You know I feel
so bad for him.

You know, he's been a
bit of a prima donna,

but someday he's going to
realize that there is life
after childhood stardom.

I mean, what's
his name. Opie.

And Shirley Temple Black.

Francis, did you see
where Omri went?

Oh, he went
that-a-way.

He came bursting into my
office a little while ago

demanding that I change the
scene where he gets killed.

When I told him I couldn't,

oh, he storms
out of the office,
he slammed the door.

[PANICKS]
Oh, no, don't
touch the car.

I was a bit of a
handful at that age too.

Our little teenage has-been
needs a reality check.

If he's not back
before the final shot,

then the network is
gonna cancel all of us.

All right, relax. You just
worry about the script.

Justin and I
will find him.

He's not getting
off this lot.

MARSHALL: Eerie, Indiana,

the last testament
of Marshall Teller.

I'd come to the
end of the line.

Hunted, lost.

Nowhere to hide.

And then I saw home.

The safest place there is.

[PANTING]

But like everything else,

it turned out to be fake.

Omri.

Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

DASH: Come on.

You can run but
you can't hide.

All right,
pull over.

What makes you
think he's here?

Because he's actually the
kind of guy that believes that
there's no place like home.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hey!

Mom, didn't I tell you
to sell when it hit 15?

All right, all right.
Cut it out.

I don't trust you.

I never have. Now,
what's going on?

I don't care who said
it was going to split.

An order is an order.

All right,
if you let me go,

I'll tell you
whatever I know.

Of course I know
it's a lot of money.

Who do you think is out here
everyday working for it?

All right, time to go
back to the stage, Marshall.

Time's a wastin'.

Why should I?

I'm just being
led to slaughter.

I know and it's a
terrible thing, but

Eerie's not big enough
for the both of us.

You're the one who's
behind all this, aren't you?

You're the one who's telling
that writer bozo what to do.

Oh, come on.
[PHONE RINGS]

I'm just a character
on a TV show.

I'm no more real
than you are.

Hey Dash, People Magazine's
on the phone for you.

It doesn't make a difference.

The script says
you're dead, Teller.

You hear me, you're dead.

Script says I'm dead.

Script...

It's all in the script.

Hello.

Jose Schaefer, please.

Yes, uh, Mr. Schaefer?

This is Steve,
with your DeLorean.

No, Barry had to
go home sick.

Mr. Schaefer, I'm afraid
there's been some
kind of accident.

No, it's worse than that.

[HANGS UP]
Hello?

KATHY: What about the
script changes?

Can't you see?

This is an emergency.

[KISSES]

Hey, watch it.

[DOOR OPENS]

MARSHALL:
I had to work fast.

If that writer guy
wouldn't change the script,

I'd have to
do it myself.

Oh!

Omri, what're
you doing here?

Mr. Schaefer wrote a...

A new speech for
my death scene and

he said we were
shooting it next,

so it was kind of important
to get it over to the, uh...

Studio place.

Well, why didn't he
tell me about it?

Omri's here.

This way, mr. Katz.
How's it going?

Well glad you could
work us into your schedule.

Well, I guess I haven't
been myself lately.

You're telling me.
Lyle, he's all yours.

Full loads,
plenty of splatter.

Pull up your shirt.

For what?

Pull up your shirt. Come on,
help the man out, will you?

What are those?
Squibs.

For when the
bullets hit you.

What's he using, an uzie?

Oh, Lyle, those
won't be necessary.

I'm doing this take
au natural.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Where're those pages?

All right,
first team's in place.

MARY-MARGARET:
Oh, my bangs are
way too short and

I need a face lift.

For my birthday I'm
getting a face lift.

I think you made the
right decision, Omri.

The show must go on.

Even if it has to go on
without some of us.

Thanks, Dad.

Okay, everybody!

Quiet on the set.

Bang-bang, Slick.

You're dead.

Could you tell Dash
to get out of here?

Clear Omri's
eye lines, please.

Say,

did...

Any new pages
come in for...

Script?

Gee, I hope not.

I worked all night
on my big line.

Okay, everybody.

Ready?

Quiet, please.

And we are...

Uh, excuse me?

Yes, Omri?

What is it now?

Uh...

What's my motivation?

Your motivation?

Your motivation is
you say a few words,

you go outside, you
get shot and you die.

Why?

Because I said so.

MARSHALL: Wait. Look.
A.D.: Coming through.

Coming through here.

What? What? What? What?
Not new pages again.

I hate this.

[ALL ACTORS VOCAL TRILLING]

This only
affects you, Omri.

Got it?

Got it.

A.D.:
Places!
Please, let's quiet down!

Rolling camera.

CLAPPER: Scene 99.
Take 13.

DIRECTOR: Okay, ready and...

No, no, no!

DASH: Don't say...
Action.

MARILYN:
Mars, can't you take one day
off from your paranormal quest?

We're a little concerned

that maybe you're losing
sight of what's real,
what's important.

Are you looking
for something?

Mars?

Mom.

Yes, Marshall?

[SIGHS]

You know, on second thought,
I would like to go to
that movie with you guys.

SIMON:
All right!

MARILYN:
I knew he'd
come to his senses.

My name is
Marshall Teller

and I've learned an
important lesson about reality.

In this life, you can either
follow the script they give you

or demand a rewrite.

But in Eerie, Indiana,

weirdness central USA,

You've got to be
ready to improvize.

Win some,

lose some.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]