Eastwick (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 5 - Mooning and Crooning - full transcript

As Darryl predicted, a rare moon-planets alignment, every 93 years, spells debauchery in town, way worse then the girls jocularly declared to hope for as diversion. Chad enjoys quick sex everywhere with Roxie and volunteers to become her sensei to train her presumed clairvoyance. Her nightmare of daughter Mia getting into trouble come true mildly, just frolicking with Chad's 'kid brother' Josh, while the elder couple is jailed for indecent exposure. Pushed for another scoop by editor Clyde, Joanna publishes Darru's resumed secret identity, without proof, at her peril.

Oh, I just want to thank the three of you

for inviting me to be part of your ladies' night.

- I love being one of the gals. - Whoo!

You do realize it was you who invited us out, right?

Yes, but nevertheless, this duck is fantastic.

Here. Have a bite.

Ah.

Oh. Would you like some of my duck in your mouth?

How's your asparagus?

I told the chef to make sure it was especially crispy, just for you.

Oh, thank you. It's, um, mmm. It's good.



Good.

Oh, wow. That waiter so wants to do you.

I know. Hello, Mr. Obvious.

Even I sensed the spark.

There was no spark. Trust me.

You know, you really should have flirted back. It's time.

You've been in a prison for ten years.

A lovely prison with five beautiful children.

Yes, but now you're free, and there are a lot of things

you could be doing with that freedom, Kat, so go for it.

That's what I say.

- Oh, really? Uh, well, would you like some crispy asparagus? - Oh!

You know, this... this is what I'm talking about.

Sharing our feelings, food fights,



tickle fights.

I just love celebrating with you ladies.

Tickle fights?

Drink some more wine.

Oh, my god.

Oh, is that your photographer friend?

- Should we invite him over? - No, we can't.

- Why not? - Because I ripped his heart out and punched it in the face

that I could rediscover the Kentucky cartwheel With my ex.

Well, I'm sure you apologized.

Yeah, like every day for the last two weeks.

And he's still mad?

Uh, hi, Will.

It's great to see you. Are those new glasses?

Yeah, still mad.

Are you aware of how wonderful

Joanna Frankel is, not to mention smart and sweet

and a gift to any guy lucky enough to get her?

Do you have any idea what she did to me?

She got confused and she made a mistake.

Haven't you ever made a mistake before?

All this woman does is talk about how awesome and wonderful

and good-looking you are, and I have to say,

right now I am not seeing it...

Well, the awesome and wonderful part anyway.

You do have nice hair.

You're a good friend.

And you're acting like a moron.

Smarten up and be nice to Joanna.

- You did not just do that. - Nobody puts Joanna in a corner.

Ah. Well, here's to liquid courage.

- And the Kentucky cartwheel. - Mm-hmm.

I am so glad to see

you're having such a good time, Miss Frankel.

- Mrs. Dunn. - You've ruined my husband

and humiliated my family with your so-called journalism.

My children don't have a father anymore because of you. Did you know that?

Oh, yes. Where is Pastor Dunn these days?

He disappeared after that hatchet job was published.

Oh. You destroyed a good and decent man with your allegations.

- I hope you're satisfied. - "Good and decent"... that's a bit of a stretch.

I mean, after all, there was that whole... hooker thing.

Settle down, Elise. All Joanna did was report the truth.

The day I take etiquette lessons from you is the day

we're all roasting in hell, Roxie Torcoletti.

Running around with a boy young enough to date your daughter?

And you... you had a beautiful family,

and you've thrown it away to philander about town

- with these two and him? - Who philanders? I don't philander.

You all make me sick. You make everyone sick.

You're a disgrace to the entire community.

Run out of my own restaurant by a supercilious mob...

which brings me to the reason I invited you ladies out in the first place.

I thought you wanted to be one of the girls.

Did you know what according to ancient legend,

the land that Eastwick occupies is sacred?

It's a vortex of supernatural power and energy.

There's an old myth which states

that once a century, this vortex is disturbed

by a strange phenomenon where the moon seems to grow

to three times its normal size,

scrambling the brains

of everyone who lives on this sacred ground

and driving us into a frenzy of orgiastic bliss.

Now the pilgrims called this the wild moon.

And this concludes story time with uncle bad touch.

Well, except it's real,

and it's happening tomorrow night.

Yeah, right.

You know, modern astronomers call this the 93rd return.

Every 93 years, the full moon, in perigee...

and that... that's that point of its orbit

which is nearest the earth... It aligns perfectly

with all the planets in the solar system.

It's an extremely rare celestial event. It's happening.

Tomorrow evening, the inner animals of our citizenry

will be released.

- Released how? - I don't know.

- We'll just have to wait and see. - Well, I, for one, almost wish it were true.

This town sure could use a good wild moon.

Mm-hmm. Anything to pull the giant stick out of its ass.

Am I the only one who's sick of being watched and judged?

Well, perhaps I might propose a toast.

To the 93rd return...

May it unleash the inner hedonist

lurking in the good people of Eastwick.

Luna solvo...

That's latin for "the moon releases."

Luna solvo.

- All right, you ready? This one's tough. - Lay it on me.

Okay, who would you do?

Mrs. Samuelson from Calculus or Mrs. Talbot from English?

No brainer. Mrs. Samuelson.

She seems like she'd be a generous lover.

And Mrs. Talbot's got man hands.

Ew, gross.

I know what I like in a girl.

Is that a poster of a dragon on your wall?

What?

No!

That's a poster for... a team.

I play sports.

Uh, you know, I should go.

- The momster's gonna be home any minute now. - She still giving you a hard time?

Yes. It is so annoying. I mean, she wants to know

every little detail about any guy that I'm involved with.

That's silly. I mean...

It's not like we're involved or anything... Right?

I'm home.

How was dinner?

Fine. The Pastor's wife yelled at us and called us whores.

Who was that on the computer?

Was it a boy? Was it a friend? Was it a boyfriend?

It was a guy from school. We're in the same class.

What class? What's his name?

Mom, stop.

Look, you don't get to know about every guy I have a conversation with.

Well, actually, I do,

because the last time you snuck around with a guy,

You almost got assaulted.

Yeah, and you know what? I've been trying to move past it,

but it's a little hard with you constantly in my face.

Excuse me, young lady?

You are not allowed to "young lady" me.

For 15 years, you've been trying to be my pal.

You can't just turn around and be my mom.

I will "young lady" you all I want, young lady.

And believe me, I am your mom. I have the stretch marks to prove it.

You know, if you're not gonna trust me anyway,

maybe I should give you a reason not to.

Do you want me to ground you?

You wouldn't know how!

Oh, yeah? Watch this. You're grounded! Ha ha!

- Told you I could do it! - Ugh!

Joanna Frankel! How's my star reporter?

Listen, tomorrow's edition is looking a little thin.

You have anything we can run with?

Actually, I was just about to break something wide open.

Ooh, sounds yummy. What do you got?

Well, I have it from a very reliable source

That John Wilburn was drinking for free

at the Greasy Stool last night.

Ah... And?

And John Wilburn is the head of the zoning board.

Clyde, everyone knows that the Stool has been lobbying for

expanded zoning so that they could add to their parking lot.

It's a bribery scandal.

- What do you think? - Yeah,no.

When I hear "lobbying" and "zoning," I nod off.

- This is a big story, Clyde. - It's not "Pastor and hookers" big.

I need you to dig up some more stuff like that.

People really loved that.

Those kind of stories don't come along every day.

You know the old saying...

that "you're only as good as yesterday's headline" ?

It's a clich because it's true.

Joanna, are you my ace or are you a fluke?

Because if you are my ace, I need a big, fat, juicy story

on my desk for the morning edition.

If you're a fluke...

Well, Eastwick's oldest cat just had a birthday.

Somebody has to write about it.

- What am I gonna do? - Aw, you mean about your hair?

What's wrong with my hair?

Nothing. No. I like... it's great.

I-i love... the s-shape.

If I don't come up with a story asap...

Ugh, don't say "asap."

I am going to go back to covering animal birthday parties.

Uh, you've been sitting on A pretty frickin' fantastic story for, oh...

Ever. I mean, it's right there under your ass, waiting to be told.

What, the Darryl thing? That's not a story.

That's just a bunch of unformed theories and conjecture.

And whatever evidence I did have was stolen from my apartment.

- I've got nothing. - That's not true.

My secret source has left tons of leads on my doorstep.

I mean, you haven't even contacted

that Dominic savage guy from New York.

Oh, I've been meaning to.

Okay.

- Why don't you just admit it? - What?

You're dropping the Darryl story because you like him.

You hang out with him. He's your friend,

He's your pal, he's your drinking buddy.

And you don't want to publish a story that says

that he's a liar and an identity stealer.

And someone who faked his own death.

That is not true. I have been really busy with other stuff.

- Like hanging out with Darryl Van Horne. - And yoga!

I'm working on the story, Penny.

Cool. So call Dominic savage.

Find out what he knows about Darryl.

And let's bring the bastard down.

Hey.

Thought we could go to your place for slunch,

which is my new word for sex plus lunch.

Oh, reading the daughter's diary...

Nice. anything good in there? Anything bad?

What's the matter? She talked about bands you don't recognize?

- Because I can help with that. - I'm worried about her.

So crack it open, then. You're a mom.

I guess you're supposed to snoop around.

Are you nuts? I... I'm not going to open my daughter's diary.

That would be wrong... totally and completely wrong.

Right. So then, why are you sitting here staring at it?

Just forget you saw me do this. Come on, slunch time.

We'll go to my house, have pants-less pb&js.

I don't want peanut butter and jelly.

I want to know why you're acting so freaky.

You don't want to know, trust me.

I do want to know, trust me.

Fine.

Okay.

The reason that I'm staring at this diary is that...

that there's a slight chance that I might have

The teeniest, tiniest amount...

of psychic ability.

Basically, I... I get these visions sometimes...

flashes that pop into my head.

I'm... I'm trying to read Mia's diary

without actually reading it.

Okay, great. Do you want creamy or crunchy peanut butter?

Uh, Roxie, wait.

I believe you.

Really?

Don't screw with me here.

The mind is a mystery.

I had an uncle who always had to go to the John when it was about to rain.

Not sure it's the same thing, but thank you.

It's sweet of you to believe in me. I mean that.

- So how does it work? - Things just come to me...

Mostly when I'm asleep, sometimes when I'm awake.

I think I can help you.

I've read a ton of books on people with strange powers.

- What kind of books? - Sequential art books. - You mean comic books?

Graphic novels.

But hear me out. Your problem is control.

And I think that with enough practice and discipline

that we can harness your ability.

I can be your professor x and train you.

- What do you think? - I have no idea who professor x is.

How about yoda?

Let me be your yoda.

It'll take your mind off of Mia.

All right, yoda.

Oh, that breaks my heart.

I hate seeing pretty people eat alone.

I'm alone on purpose, Darryl. It's on my bucket list.

Bucket list... isn't that for those about to die?

This bucket list is for those about to rock.

Last night, I couldn't stop thinking about that waiter.

- Aha. And what did you do then? - Nothing. But I did realize that you're right.

I'm single again. I should flirt back when flirted upon.

- Absolutely. - Problem is, I never really learned how to flirt because

I married the fourth guy who flirted with me.

And if I don't know how to flirt, how will I ever get that spark?

And not only that, all of my clothes are covered

with chocolate, mustard and blood, and... - Dear god, why?

Because I'm a mom, and for a lot of years

I let that define me. And don't get me wrong,

I love it, but there's all this single woman stuff

that I never got the chance to do.

There's got to be room for both, right?

- So... Started making my list. - May I?

O-okay.

"Bake my own crackers.

- Learn a foreign language." - Oui.

- "read 'the time traveler's wife' ". - What do you think?

I think you should take this list and burn it.

- What is wrong with my list? - "Run a 5k for charity"?

This is not a bucket list, this is a suck-it list.

Look, whatever happened to

"go to a nude beach" or "leap out of an airplane"

- or "make love to a wealthy industrialist"? - You mean you?

Or any wealthy industrialist. I mean, look at number four...

"Fabulous baker boys"? Come on.

Any unmarried woman can rent a DVD.

Unless...

Oh, my god. Are you Amish?

It's not about the movie.

I... I have always wanted to be

- a sexy lounge singer like Michelle Pfeiffer. - Mm.

Except I never had the guts to sing

in front of another human being.

It just... it just seems so naked... Yet freeing.

I like it. This I like.

This is list-worthy. Come on.

We will get you naked and free.

Oh, hey, you play the piano.

Play? Are you listening?

I am making sweet love to this bad boy.

Okay, maybe you shouldn't make sweet love to it right here.

The owners might not approve.

Well, fortunately, I am the owner.

Now, come on.

- Belt something out for us. - Darryl, I haven't sang in ages.

Don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear.

Just sing.

- Sing a song. - No, you know what?

- Now... now is just really not a good time. - Now is the perfect time.

Half the people in here can't even hear.

Right. But no, thanks.

- But your list? - Well, it's... it's off my list. You see? Gone.

Uh-huh.

Well,I have to say I am truly disappointed.

Well...

Then make your own list, okay?

Whew. Really have my work cut out with that one.

All right. Which card am I holding?

Hmm...

6 of diamonds?

No. Try again.

Hmm, 7 of diamonds.

8 of diamonds!

- You can't just guess them in order. - Sorry.

Now concentrate. Be the card.

And the next thing I know, wham! She grounds me.

That blows. Weekends are for raging.

- Oh, and that's what you're gonna do? - Hells, yes! Gonna go play backgammon with the moms,

- maybe buy some new school pants, it's gonna be crazy. - Sounds out of control.

So...

Even though you're grounded,

- uh,are you still allowed to have visitors? - Mia,hey!

Uh, you know what? I left my...

calculus book in my locker. Have a good weekend.

Yeah. See ya.

- Hey, was, uh, that Josh Burton? - Why would you talk to him?

- I was just borrowing his notes on the Spanish inquisition. - Oh.

Hmm. Cool.

Come on. You can do it. Just relax and focus.

- How can I relax? I'm a crappy mom. - You are not a crappy mom.

I just didn't want to be like my mother, you know?

She raised me like a veal. I thought I'd be different.

Give Mia her freedom. And then I called her "young lady."

I am totally my mother. And where is Mia, anyway?

She should've been at home by now, being grounded.

Luna Solvo.

What's that?

Darryl was right. That moon...

Wow. It's like...

Three times bigger than normal.

Darryl said it would unleash us.

Mia, where are you?

You were supposed to be home ten minutes ago.

You're grounded. You know that.

Well, I don't care what you feel like, young lady.

You are marching your butt home right this instant...

She hung up on me. Oh, that is it!

What are you doing?

She's gonna do something stupid just to piss me off.

- I gotta go find her and bring her home. - Okay. This was a bust, anyway.

- 3 of clubs. - No way. You peeked.

Jack of diamonds.

2 of diamonds. Queen of clubs.

7 of spades.

Ace of hearts.

Roxie...

I think you're officially unleashed.

So guess what?

Dominic savage totally spilled his guts.

Nice!

Turns out, Darryl really is a bad guy.

Am I supposed to act surprised?

Savage was Darryl's right-hand man in new York for ten years.

He claims that Darryl is guilty of insider trading

and all kinds of corporate crimes.

I mean, he doesn't have documentation, but he says that

he personally witnessed several incidences of wrongdoing,

and he says that I can quote him anonymously.

That's... totally... unhelpful.

Ya think?!

I'm so screwed! I have no story.

- Horoscopes, here I come. - You're not gonna write the horoscopes. Chill.

Obituaries, maybe.

I have until 1:00 a.m.

To pull the world's most awesomest story out of my ass!

How am I gonna do that?

Look at the moon.

The 93rd return. Huh?

Penny, we're in a crisis.

I've got my back against the wall.

There's only one thing to do.

What's that?

We need to party.

I can't believe I never tried this before.

It's so warm and lovely.

- Photocopy of Joanna's ass? - Thank you.

Ooh! Great ass, Joanna.

Thanks, Edgar. How sweet is he?

Right? I'm so glad you're not stressed out anymore.

- Your forehead was getting all squinch - Yeah.

But you know what I decided? Screw Darryl Van Horne.

You're gonna screw Darryl Van Horne?

Good. That'll get him to talk.

No, seriously.

Screw Darryl Van Horne.

I'm Clyde's ace, and I've got my story.

Well, I thought you said all you had were unanswered questions.

No, Penny. The questions are the story.

Is darryl van horne really Sebastian hart?

Did he steal baby van horne's identity?

Is he a corporate criminal? I'm gonna run with that!

See how good he is at dodging the questions

when the whole town is asking them.

Excuse me. I'm looking for my daughter Mia.

She's about yea high, cute blond hair

adorable eyes, super sweet face.

No.

Why would she know Mia?

You gotta find someone her age...

Like him.

- Excuse me? You go to Eastwick high, right? - Yep.

- Have you seen Mia Torcoletti around? - Nope.

You better get home, man. Your mom just found your stash.

How did you do that?

- I don't know. It just happened. - You gotta do that again.

Your keys are under the sofa.

You're welcome!

I'm sorry, honey, but he's gay.

That was amazing.

Darryl was wrong.

The moon doesn't make you crazy. It makes you powerful.

And insanely horny.

Luna Solvo, my old friend.

Luna Solvo.

Well...

I'm afraid now I'm the one dining alone.

Would you care to join me?

I didn't come here to eat.

* In the cool of the evening *

When everything is getting kinda groovy

* You call me up and ask me *

* Would I like to go with you and see a movie? *

* First, I say, "no" *

* I've got some plans for the night *

* And then I stop *

* And say, "all right" *

* Love is kinda crazy *

* With a spooky little boy like you *

- Wow. Did we just do that? - We did that.

I can't believe we just did that. We shouldn't have done that.

- Wanna do it again? - I do!

- No, no, no, no, no, no! - What... what... what did you see?

- Was it about me? - No.

- Damn, they're never about me - Get dressed. We have to go.

Has everybody in this town lost their minds tonight?

- This looks bad, doesn't it? - Looks like two counts of public indecency.

All righty. Let's go.

Please put your pants on first.

* You always keep me guessing *

* I never seem to know what you are thinking *

* And if a girl looks at you *

* It's for sure your little eye will go a winking *

* I get confused, I never know where I stand *

* Then you smile *

* And hold my hand *

* Love is kinda crazy *

* With a spooky little boy like you *

* If you decide someday to stop *

* This little game that you are playing *

* Just like a ghost *

* You've been a-haunting my dreams *

* And now I know *

* You're not what you seem *

* Love is kinda crazy *

* With a spooky little boy like you *

* Spooky *

Whoo!

- Clyde! - Super busy right now.

Okay, but you have to print this in tomorrow's paper. It's big!

It's as big as "pastors and hookers"! Help me save this town.

- The people need to read this, Clyde. - Certainly are a lot of words here.

Seems important.

Barbara!

Barbara!

We've got to get this story to press...

Front page!

Done and done.

We did it! We got Darryl Van Horne!

- Oh, don't you mean Sebastian hart? - Whatever! I'm on the front page again!

- I'm so happy for you! - Thanks! I couldn't have done it without you!

Oh!

This is not cool, Roxie.

- I've never been in jail before. - Me, neither.

What kind of a mother

Stops looking for her daughter to have an alley quickie?

I don't know what came over me.

Oh, my god! Mia!

What are you doing here?

Uh, mrs. Torcoletti. Josh burton.

- Chad's told me so much about you. - My baby brother.

Younger brother. Uh... We went through this, man.

- You knew about this? - No idea.

I wish we were meeting under better circumstances.

- I've been trying to get chad to have you over for dinner. - Younger brother?

- And a friend of mia's. - Yeah, I can see her friendship smeared all over your face.

Okay, first of all, you were grounded.

- Secondly, why didn't you tell me about this? - Cause there's nothing to tell.

Nothing to tell?!

He's wearing more of your lipstick than you are!

- Did you think I'd freak out bcause it's chad's brother? - It is kinda weird.

- Look, it's not like that. - It's not?

Look, what did I tell you about sneaking around? Great. Here it goes. "sneaking around."

I'm sorry I want to actually get to know my daughr. Where? This town is tiny!

- I ask you about your life. - You're jumping down my throat... I can't even breathe without you investigating it.

Threatening me, lying to me. And then I have to feel like... You know what? It doesn't matter because...

-I'm letting you down. - I'm... - You don't believe me anyway. - I'm just...

Sick of it! And now you're in jail!

Well, you're in jail, too.

What'd you do, anyways?

Look, this isn't about me. This is about you...

Doing god knows what with god knows who

And lying to me about it! Look, I know it's been rough,

Mia, but you've never been a liar, and I'm not

- Gonna let you start now. - God! I am not lying!

There's nothing to lie about. I'm not running around.

I'm not doing drugs or having sex.

- I'm not dating Josh. He's my friend. - Then why not tell me about him?

Because I'm not telling anyone!

If people knew that I was friends with Josh,

it would destroy any kind of reputation I have.

Look, I didn't tell you 'cause I was embarrassed!

You have something to do with this?

What? No. No, it was the candles.

- The candles did it. - I know. I was kidding.

Oh. Yeah, no. Well, me, too.

You, uh, have a scratch on your arm.

Oh, yeah, it's nothing. I fell off a piano.

I blame the moon.

Well, that and my total lack of coordination.

Let me clean it up for you.

Whoa. Sorry.

- Um, you don't have to do that... - that's all right.

It's what volunteer firefighters are for.

So would it be weird

if I told you that you look amazing in that dress?

Yes, so you probably shouldn't.

I'm sorry.

It's just that you're Joanna's...

And I'm her...

And you really shouldn't be paying me compliments,

even if they are innocent.

It wasn't innocent.

I should go... Um,

before I do something that I want to do.

- I mean, I don't want to do. - And what don't you want to do?

Good morning, sunshine.

Dare I even ask?

Oh, yeah. I wore it to sing last night.

Oh, man! I sang last night.

Oh! In public!

No way. Oh!

How did it go? What you've get for it?

I mean, people seemed to be enjoying it...

Until the restaurant burned down.

That sounds insane!

Okay, who was there? Were there any guys there?

I mean, come on. You were singing wearing this.

- You had to have met someone. Tell me there was a spark. - No!

No, no. No guys. No spark.

Oh. Well, finish waking up

- And prepare to tell me all about it. - Okay.

I'm gonna go for a run.

Oh, crap!

What have I done?

Hello? Are you insane?

Clyde, I...

Yes, I've... I... I saw it.

I... I know. I'm... this libelous garbage...

- I'll be right down. - That you're sneaking into my newspaper?!

Uh, hey, Joanna. About last night...

- We must have lost our minds. - Right? I mean, maybe we were roofied.

- I think I was. Did you roofie me? - What?

Doesn't matter. For the record, I like guys.

In fact, there's one guy that I'm, like, really kind of into,

- and he has a penis. - Penny whatever! Clyde gonna murder me.

Clyde?

Darryl Van Horne blew up about the story.

Oh, right! The story.

Well, good luck in there.

Of all the nerve, Joanna!

To not only write a piece of libelous garbage,

but then to sneak it into my newspaper?

Mr. Van Horne's newspaper?!

Where do you get the stones, lady?

- Now thank goodness this man has the graciousness - Clyde!

Please say no more. You are starting to turn my stomach.

I apologize.

Why, Joanna?

Why would you do this to me?

I realize that there are some... flaws with my article.

- Some flaws? - Yes.

But the questions raised are valid.

And this entire mess could've been avoided

if you'd chosen to simply answer them

on the multiple occasions I tried to interview you.

Instead, you chose to dodge me.

- Dodge you? - That's correct.

I mean, either you're a very shy man,

which we both know is not true,

or you are a person with something... to hide.

All right. Let's do the interview right now,

with witnesses.

Okay.

Where were you before 1984?

I was in Wiesbaden, west Germany,

where I was raised with my family.

My father was an expatriate. My mother is German.

And what about the baby...Darryl Van Horne,

who died in 1963? I have his death certificate.

It's my father's brother's child... tragically stillborn.

Very classy, Joanna. Very classy.

You expect me to believe that you have a cousin

named Darryl Van Horne? All firstborn sons in my family are named Darryl.

It's a Van Horne tradition. Is that all right with you?

Yeah, good. Sounds up and up to this guy.

Well, how do you explain a photo taken in 1984

of a man named "Sebastian Hart"?

Sebastian who?

A wealthy playboy who lived briefly in Eastwick

before he drowned in the bay, or supposedly drowned.

I saw his photo.

Sebastian Hart looked just... Like... You.

Fa... Sci... Nating.

- Can I see this photo? - I am no longer in possession of this photo

because it was stolen from me,

which is awfully convenient for you.

Are you calling me a thief now?

No, I am not.

We had this photo on microfiche here and I looked for it,

but it is nowhere to be found.

We're a bit... disorganized here.

All right. I won't have you insult my microfiche, sister.

- Not in my house! - Shut up, Clyde!

I don't really know what I can say

about a photo that may or may not exist

of a man who may or may not resemble me.

Without any hard evidence,

your answers are as flimsy as my theories.

I mean, please. Germany? I don't hear a hint of an accent.

Fidel...

I was expecting this.

You'll find everything in there...

Birth certificate, passports, diplomas.

What's this?

That is a cable bill.

Is this your idea of reporting?

You have trouble finding answers,

so you just print half-baked theories?

Or maybe...

Maybe I'm the fool.

I actually encouraged you. I supported you.

Well, I don't know what to say, Mr.Van Horne.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I hope that you can forgive me.

Well... Now you know why I dislike the press.

Congratulations, Joanna.

You are now a true... journalist.

Thank you, Mr.Van Horne. Appreciate your time.

I'll get started on an apology and a retraction.

I can have it ready for tomorrow's paper.

Ah, don't bother.

I'm having somebody else write the retraction.

You can clean out your desk. You're fired, Joanna.

Morning.

Making chocolate chip pancakes in the shape of care bears.

- Your favorite. - When I was 5.

Mia, it's a peace offering. Please.

I wanted to talk.

I knew this was a bribe.

Mia, I owe you an apology.

I've been giving you mixed signals.

One week I'm telling you to be free, do whatever you want,

and the next week I'm grounding you.

It's a little inconsistent, so I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm sorry I've been yelling so much.

I've been trying to figure it all out,

and here's what I think.

I know I can't be the buddy you tell everything to,

and I know neither of us wants me to be the mom

who has to snoop and overreact. Definitely.

So here's the deal. I'm gonna try to be a mom who trusts you

- to be the intelligent girl I've always known. - Good.

But I also need you to trust me and talk

to me every once in a while and include me in your life.

- Can we try that? - I can try it.

Good. It's all I'm asking. Let's eat our care bears.

- Mom, can I tell you something? - Only if you want...

I like Josh... A lot.

I mean, he's cute and sweet

and is really nice to me.

He cracks me up all the time,

and he laughs at my jokes, too.

But after everything I said in front of him last night,

I don't think he's ever gonna wanna talk to me again.

- I don't think it's hopeless. - Really?

I know my burton boys.

They're prideful, but they're pussycats.

- We'll figure somethin' out. Hand me your cell phone. - Why?

Because we're going to compose

a beautiful, sincere apology text. You think that'll work?

It's a start. We'll get you two patched up,

- and then maybe we can double date. - Ugh. I'm gonna barf.

I kid.

Boy, you did some damage last night.

Darryl, I am so sorry about your restaurant.

My company made the stupid candles.

And for the record, you were amazing.

Thank you.

So how does it feel, singing front of a packed house?

Mmm, exhilarating, but I feel like crap today.

Yeah, it seems like our little town

is paying for last night's fun.

That's one of the really perplexing things about life,

though, isn't it?

Any true pleasure comes with a price.

We drink too much, we wake up hungover.

We eat too much, we pack on the pounds.

You enjoy one moment of lust,

and you live a lifetime of guilt.

Yeah. What feels good comes with a cost.

At the end of the day, I suppose it's just a matter

of figuring out how much you are willing to pay.

Oh, and by the way,

you have a standing invitation to sing

at any one of my dining establishments.

* Love is kinda crazy *

* With a spooky little girl like you *

Spooky.

Ah, practicing on your own.

I like a self-starter. Mmm.

How's Mia?

Great, actually. I think we've got it

pretty much worked out by now.

- She feels terrible about Josh, though. - Yeah, he's pretty crushed. I think he's got it bad for her.

Well, don't tell him,

but I think she's got it bad for him, too.

You torcolettis have an odd way of showing affection.

How's this other stuff coming... the psychic stuff?

Pretty much nonexistent. I haven't had one flash today.

I think whatever streak I was on is over.

Well, let's see.

Nah, I'm not feeling it. I'm all ex-conny.

Now is the best time to do it, then. Discipline is all about

exercising when you don't want to. You gotta use it or lose it.

Yoda was never as annoying as you.

Fine. One card.

O lord, our god, help us in our mourning

and teach us to live for the living

in the time that is still left to us.

We thank you, god, for eternal life,

which is the light and joy

of the days and years here on earth.

Roxie, are you okay?

Did you see something?

Uh-huh.

Yes! See? You still got it.

What was it? Was it about me this time?

I don't know.

I hope not.